Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls - full transcript

Tequila, checkbook, sourpuss.

Must be alimony time.

Go away, Charlie.

Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd
at least come and give you a lap dance.

- Leave me alone, Charlie.
- In fact, you know what'd be funny?

Where it says "memo,"
write "lap dance."

Give her something to explain
at tax time.

Charlie, you...

Okay.

- So where's Jake?
- Sleeping at a friend's.

- He'll get dropped off tomorrow.
- Oh, man.



- I rented a movie he'd like.
- Oh, what'd you get?

Don't worry. It's educational.

One Million Years B. C.?
How is this educational?

Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs
in a fur bikini?

What is that if not history?

I'm afraid you're gonna have to
watch it by yourself.

Won't be the first time.

What's the deal with that giraffe?

How come you bring it out every time
you write an alimony check?

It's symbolic.

Do you wanna know
what it's symbolic of?

No, I'm good.

I made it in ceramics class for Judith
when we were dating.

All these years I've been shelling out
for tennis bracelets and satin underwear.



Some women aren't impressed
with jewelry and lingerie.

Well, sure, if you wanna
date a dead girl.

Hey, I just realized.

Your name is Al, and you're sending
your ex-wife money...

...so it's "Al-i-money."

Hey, hey, I just realized,
your name is Charlie...

...and you're a moron.

Be that as it may.

If you gave her the giraffe,
why do you have it?

When Judith kicked me out,
I wanted to get back at her.

She took the house, she took the car,
she took the money.

- I felt I had to take something.
- So you stole bric-a-brac.

- Symbolic bric-a-brac.
- Oh, right.

You see, now every month
when I write the check...

...I can look at it and remind myself...

...what a pathetic loser I am.

No, dude. You don't need
a giraffe for that.

Get rid of the damn thing.

You're killing yourself
with this bitterness.

What, you think I'm hurting myself
more than her?

No, I don't think
you're hurting her at all.

You need to move on, buddy.

You're right. You're right.

And you know what would
be truly symbolic of that?

Getting your knob shined
by a keno waitress in Laughlin?

No. No.

Me bringing this back to Judith
and apologizing for taking it.

I like my idea better.

Okay, here's the plan.

I'll bring this little fella back to Judith,
and clean the slate.

Did you even consider my idea?

- You drive.
- Why do I have to go?

Because I am obviously
too drunk to drive.

What does that say about your plan?

Alan, wait.

You can't stop me.
I am giving Judith back the giraffe.

Oh, I don't wanna stop you.
I just want a good view.

Okay, you can stay.

Charlie, look at this. What is this?
"The Harpers."

- Yeah, so?
- She's not the Harpers anymore.

She's the Harper.

That mat is a complete lie.

Yeah, and it's in cahoots
with the mailbox.

Come on, ring the bell.

You and me, we're the Harpers.

Us.

Oh, Alan.

Hi.

Dr. Melnick. Is Jake all right?

I assume so.
He's spending the night at a friend's.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

Dr. Melnick is Jake's pediatrician,
so naturally, I thought...

Oh, okay.

Looks like somebody else
has given your wife the giraffe.

Make sure they didn't forget
the garlic balls.

What are you doing here?

Why don't I just get back in the hot tub
and give you guys a minute.

- Well?
- I came to give you this.

- What is it?
- I made it for you.

- Just now?
- No, no, a long time ago.

It's symbolic.

Alan, you're a disturbed man.
You need help.

Enjoy those garlic balls.

Wow, that was more fun
than I expected.

- Come on, giraffe boy, I'll buy you a drink.
- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Our pediatrician.

My ex-wife is sleeping
with our pediatrician.

I wonder if she gets a lollipop
after every visit.

You know, you're actually
a very lucky man.

Oh, really? Really? How am I lucky,
Charlie? Show me the luck.

Well, first of all,
if Jake ever gets sick or hurt...

...free medical care is only
a hot tub away.

Well, that's true.
He is good with kids.

I begged her to do it
with me in the hot tub.

She said it made her hair frizzy.

Well, apparently, she's found
the right conditioner.

What if she's serious about this guy?
What if she marries him?

- Even better.
- Better?

How is it better? Show me the better.

If she marries him,
you're off the hook for alimony.

That is better.

In fact, if you saw the big picture,
you'd encourage this relationship.

This guy is a real catch for you.
Don't let him get away.

You're right.
Maybe I should go back there...

...and, you know, bless their union.
- No, no, no.

You provided the woman
and the hot tub.

- That's enough for one night.
- Yeah, I guess.

- Probably even paid for the garlic balls.
- Yeah.

- Could I get some more coffee, Berta?
- Who's stopping you?

Get your own damn coffee.

- Well, Charlie, you're finally up.
- Hey, Mom.

- Where's my grandson?
- He's at a sleepover.

- He'll be here later.
- And no one calls me?

I wouldn't come over if I'd been told
he wasn't here.

Good to know.

Where's your brother?
His car's not in the driveway.

Hey, Mom, I'm not even sure
where my pants are.

All right. Well, looks like you and I get to
spend a little quality time together.

Gee, I'd love to, but I got my regular
Sunday morning softball game.

- Charlie.
- Yeah.

It's Saturday.

Damn.

- Oh, you're still here.
- Yeah.

- Listen, Alan, I'm really sorry about...
- No, no, no. I should apologize to you.

Showing up last night unannounced.
That's completely inappropriate.

And I came by to tell you
it won't happen again.

So you came over unannounced to
apologize for coming over unannounced?

I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

- Is Judith up yet?
- Actually, she's not here.

She ran to the market.

Up and out this early on a Saturday?
Good for her.

She used to sleep a lot
when we were together.

It was probably just the depression
and the meds.

- Meds?
- Oh, no, it was nothing serious.

Just your everyday little pink pill
to turn that frown upside down.

Alan, I gotta tell you,
this is a little awkward...

No, please, don't feel awkward.

Look, we're obviously going
to be seeing each other a lot.

There's no reason for anybody
to feel uncomfortable.

That's a very mature attitude.
Thank you.

Well, you're welcome.

So let me make you some coffee.

Are we supposed to believe...

...that cavewomen waxed their legs
and wore fur bikinis?

It's not a documentary, Mom.

You know, I'm not gonna
be around forever...

...and the time will come
when you'll regret ignoring me.

- Charlie, why do you hate me?
- What?

Whenever I come, you do everything
you can to avoid spending time with me.

Obviously not everything.

We're spending time together
right now.

You're just staring at the television,
and it's not even on anymore.

I can still see you.

Charlie, look at me.

- How long you wanna do this for?
- I want you to talk to me.

- Okay, I'm out of here.
- No, no, wait, Berta.

- Come, sit, talk.
- Mommy-and-me time over already?

- He hates me.
- No, I don't.

- Please, Berta, I need you.
- I'm done. I wanna go home.

- Berta, I'm begging you.
- Oh, all right.

So why do you hate your mother?

Here we go.

Coffee, juice, and my secret stash
of Mint Milanos...

...from the back of the freezer.

Just a tip: If you want quality cookies
around here, you gotta hide them.

Judith eats Pepperidge Farm
like she's going to the chair.

So tell me a little bit about yourself.
Ever been married?

- My wife passed away.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

No alimony, though. Gotta love that.

Hey, hey, here's a funny thing.

My name's Al and...
And I give Judith money.

So it's... So it's alimony.

- Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
- I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

- You got kids?
- No.

Well, that's a blessing.
What with the dead wife and all.

- Mint Milanos?
- No, thank you.

So anyway, kids. Hey, you know,
it's not too late for you.

Judith is a wonderful mother.

We're not at that stage
in our relationship.

Oh, of course not.

On the other hand, you don't wanna
wait too long. She's no spring chicken.

You know, eggwise.

So I'm having this nice Mother's Day
dinner with my slutty daughter...

...and her idiot boyfriend.

Suddenly, the front door comes down
and the room fills with tear gas.

Next thing I know, I'm belly-up
on the floor, hacking out a lung...

...while the cops are dragging out
Bonnie and Claude in handcuffs.

Come to find out that the money that
I loaned them to open a tanning salon...

...was used to turn my tool shed
into a hydroponic pot farm.

- Unbelievable.
- Yeah.

Your daughter came to visit
on Mother's Day.

Sure, what ungrateful mutt doesn't visit
their mother on Mother's Day?

- One year I forgot. Let it go.
- When's my birthday?

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

- What's that got to do with anything?
- You don't know your mother's birthday?

- Well, not by heart.
- Charlie.

- What? She changes it all the time.
- Just the year, not the day.

Hey, I just realized something.
I can leave.

Fine. But before you go,
just tell me one thing.

- What?
- Why do you hate me?

Oh, Mom, for God's sakes, l... Rose!

No, no, no. Rose, wait.
Rose, come on in.

Look, my mom's here.
You like my mom.

- Oh, sure. Hi, Evelyn.
- Hello, dear.

- Are those my pants?
- Oh, no.

I bought these.

But I think this might be
your wallet and keys.

Evelyn, you get younger
every time I see you.

Oh, aren't you a dear.
And thank you for the birthday card.

- Oh, did you get it on time?
- Yes, I did, and it was lovely.

So sweet of you to remember me.

How could anybody
forget your birthday?

Well, yeah. You know, she does become
a little emotional at times, huh?

I thought she was getting over
your divorce.

No, no. She was over the divorce
while I was still packing.

No, what you're seeing
is low blood sugar.

The trick to that is to always have
some Fun Size Snickers in your pocket.

- It'll perk her right up.
- Really?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, and here's another tip.

When she starts crying for no reason,
and she will...

...never say, "Don't cry."
And try not to touch her.

- Okay.
- Or whistle.

Never, ever whistle.

Okay, maybe I forgot a birthday or two.
Maybe I don't return every single call.

But that doesn't mean I hate her.

Was he breast-fed?

Of course he was.
Not by me personally.

That's interesting.
I see the bras that come through here...

...and he does tend to favor
the big yams.

- I do not.
- Oh, really?

- Raquel Welch.
- Hey, that's a damn fine film.

Come to think of it,
the night we were together...

...he did spend a freakish amount of time
on my boobies.

I mean, foreplay is one thing, but,
golly, it was like making love to a cat.

Rose, for God's sake,
you're talking to my mother.

Sorry. A very giving cat.

He's always had an oral fixation.

When he was little, he used to
suck on other children's thumbs.

And now he's always got a bottle
of booze in his mouth.

My therapist says that's his way
of stuffing his feelings.

- That's what my therapist says.
- Hell, I could've told you that for free.

- Hey, I'm here.
- Hey, it's Jake.

Back from his sleepover.
Look who's here to see you, buddy.

Hi, Grandma.

Hello, sweetheart.
Thank you for the lovely birthday card.

- My mom picked it out.
- Oh, and you love her, don't you?

- Sure.
- Thank you. You can go now.

- Can I go too?
- We're not done with you.

- Where were we?
- We were trying to figure out...

...why Charlie hates you.
- Yeah.

Well, Charlie?

Okay, fine, here it is.

I'm not saying I hate you,
but if I did...

...it might have to do with the fact that
you're a narcissistic bloodsucker...

...who drove my father
into an early grave.

Then married a succession of men who
couldn't care less about Alan and me...

...which was fine with you...

...because you looked at us
like dancing monkeys...

...you could just haul out
whenever it suited you.

And when it didn't, you sent us off
to boarding school or camp...

...or that kibbutz in Israel,
where we got beat up...

...because we weren't even Jewish!

And now, now you show up here
every chance you get...

...to lay a guilt trip on me...

...for not appreciating my cold,
Ionely, loveless childhood.

Well...

...obviously you're not ready
to talk about it.

- Alan, you really don't have to do this.
- Hey, hey, I am a licensed chiropractor.

If Jake had a sore throat, I'm sure you'd
treat him, prescribe something.

But it's nothing,
I think I just slept wrong.

Oh, that's probably because
you're not used to our bed.

So have you...? Have you met
Judith's parents?

- No.
- Oh, they are just gonna love you.

They were devastated by the divorce.

Not to mention some of her
unfortunate choices thereafter.

- Unfortunate choices?
- Oh, you know, that's not important.

What's important is they're just gonna
be relieved to see she's dating a man.

You carry a lot of tension up here.

Alan.

- Didn't you just pay your alimony?
- This is the pediatrician's bill.

- Jake was sick?
- No, no.

The pediatrician had to see
an orthopedist.

You know Mom's birthday
was a couple weeks ago?

Yeah, I sent her some flowers
and a card.

Oh, man. Would it have killed you
to put my name on the card?

I did put your name on it. I wrote,
"Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie."

- Damn.
- What?

She tricked me into thinking I forgot.