Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 24 - Can You Feel My Finger - full transcript

Hello? What?

I can't understand you.

Who is it?

I don't know. Some woman crying.

Hold on. Charlie?

- What?
- Phone for you.

- Who is it?
- A hysterical woman.

Are you insane?
I don't take calls from hysterical women.

Here he is.

You are very insensitive.

Hello? Oh, hey. How are you?



She's crying. Duh.

Okay, calm down. I can't understand you.

Omelet? What is "omelet"?

Oh, I'm late.

What are you late for, hon?

- Get him out of here.
- Jake, go watch TV.

What's the big deal?
I don't cry when I'm late.

Okay, are you sure? Don't yell.

How did this... Scratch that.

Okay. Just stay calm, I'm here for you.

We'll deal with this together.

You didn't happen
to catch her name, did you?

Okay,
the instructions sound pretty clear.

You pee on the stick,



and if it turns blue
it means you're pregnant.

The stick turns blue.

Yes, sweetheart,
first go into the bathroom.

Not exactly a rocket scientist.

As opposed to the Nobel Prize winners
you usually bring home.

I'm still here. Go ahead, let her rip.

What do you mean you can't?

Hold on.

How's that?

Yeah, I'm a genius.
Now we wait 30 seconds.

Please, God. Please, God, please.

Isn't it a little late for prayer,
Charlie?

Hey, don't mock my faith.

Yeah, I'm here. Did it change colors?

No? That's good, right?

Sure, in a strange way
I'm a little disappointed, too.

Hold on a sec. Yes!

So, what else is new?

Hey, congratulations.
When's the wedding?

Isn't that nice?

Best of luck. Bye-bye.

Boy, don't you just hate
when that happens?

Wait, so this is a common occurrence?
Don't you take precautions?

Of course.

But, come on, you've never found yourself
in a slow elevator without a condom?

Look who I'm asking.

Okay, so we need soap,

razor blades, cotton balls.

- Cotton balls, that reminds me.
- Reminds you of what?

Ribbed, for her pleasure.

Ultra thin, for mine.

Fiesta colors for, I suppose, fiestas.

And extra-strength, double latex,
for coyote Tuesdays.

Boy, if women knew the trouble we go to.

Why don't you just get snipped?

- You mean a vasectomy?
- Yeah.

Then say "vasectomy. "
Don't say "snipped. "

- What's wrong with "snipped"?
- It's demeaning.

Snipped is what you get
for $12 at Supercuts.

Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?

I've considered it.

In fact, a couple of years ago I believe
there was a petition circulating.

So, what's holding you back?

I don't know,
it's kind of a permanent move.

What happens if one day
I finally meet the right woman

and decide I want to raise a family?

Don't cry. Look.

You want to see Daddy dance?
You like to see Daddy dance.

Look at Daddy dance.

Who am I kidding?

Sweetheart, I have to go.
I've a patient.

No, you just stay off your feet.
Remember, you're very pregnant.

Huge.

Yeah, I love you, too.

I know. We're going to have a baby.

Yes, we are. Okay, sweetie, bye-bye.

So, Mr. Harper, you want a vasectomy?

Yes. You do that, right?

Of course we do.
In the exam room next door. Snip, snip.

Great. I just have a couple of
pre-snip questions.

Shoot. Which, by the way,
you'll still do post-snip,

if that was one of your questions.

Good.

Of course, if I've done my job right,
you'll be shooting blanks. Yeah?

Yeah, I got that.

What I was wondering is
if there's any permanent effects.

You mean like sexual impairment?

No. Wait a minute.

There can be sexual impairment?

No, I just wanted to see
the look on your face.

No, actually, you'll be able to perform
exactly as you did before.

Great.

But what about like creativity?

See, I write music for a living.
Will I still be able to do that?

Do you write with your testicles?

No.

Then it shouldn't be a problem.
Now, let me ask you a question.

- Do you have children already?
- No.

Then you might want to
think about freezing some sperm

in case you ever change your mind.

- Frozen sperm? I don't know.
- Why not?

You know, you freeze shrimp,
it's never as good as fresh.

That's really not the same thing.

So you know for a fact that frozen kids
are just the same as the regulars?

Yeah, pretty much.

Of course, when they grow up
they do tend to migrate to the Sunbelt.

Nothing? Wow. That one kills
at urology conventions.

Excuse me. Yes?

Put her on. It's my wife.

Hi, honey.

No kidding, she's really
kicking up a storm, huh?

Yeah, we know it's a girl.

- Good.
- Hang on.

Do you like Brittany or
Allison for a name?

- They're both nice.
- Yeah.

Okay, honey, let me get this guy
out of here and I'll call you back.

Okay, Mommy.

Yeah, you're going to be a mommy.

Yes, you are.

So, frozen sperm.

I'm just not really sure
I want to go into some little room

with a bunch of magazines
and you know...

Actually, we have videos now.
Kind of hot.

You don't have to do it here.
We'll give you a container,

you can go home,
make yourself comfortable,

dim the lights,
put on a little sweet soul music...

I know the procedure.

Then just bring it back here while
the little fellas are still swimming,

and we'll turn them into Popsicles.

Popsicles?

You know, in case
someday you want to be a pop.

Yeah. Very clever.

You deal with prostates and penises all
day, you better have a sense of humor.

And warm hands.

That's good, I'll use that.

Warm hands. That's good. Yeah.

I'm done. Can I go play in my room?

Jake, Grandma came all the way
over here to spend some time with you.

Alan, don't use guilt
as a control mechanism.

He should only spend time with me
if he wants to.

So I can go, right?

Run.

Good morning.

- Good morning, darling.
- Morning, Charlie.

Charlie, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

What?

A little birdie told me you were in
a urologist's office yesterday.

Thanks a lot, Tweety.

I didn't say anything.

Coincidentally, your doctor has a suite
in the same building as Dr. Shankman.

The man responsible for one out of
three tight tushies in Beverly Hills.

So, Dr. Shankman saw me and told you?

No, you left your appointment card
on the table here.

I just brought up Dr. Shankman because
no one has noticed my new tushie.

Very nice, Mom.

Of course. It's a Shankman.

So, Charles, back to your pee-pee.

I'm done. Can I go play in my room?

There's nothing wrong with it.
I'm just getting a vasectomy.

You must really hate me.

Are we changing the subject?

How can you have a vasectomy
without consulting me?

You're selfishly robbing me
of grandchildren.

- You've got grandchildren.
- Oh, big whoop, one.

If it makes you feel any better,
I'm going to do the freezing thing.

Really?

I suppose that's better than nothing.

You know,
I'm doing a freezing thing, too.

- What?
- Excuse me?

At death, I plan to have my head
removed and frozen until such time

as it can be revived
and put on a monkey body.

What? Everybody's doing it.

Charlie, you got somebody in there?

No.

I need to get your towels.

I really wish you wouldn't.

Come on, I'm doing laundry.
I want to finish a load before I go.

Yeah. Well, me, too.

- What?
- Never mind, just go away.

All right.
If it helps, you can think of me.

Charlie, wait a second.

I don't have to pick up Jake
till after dinner.

You want to catch an early movie?

Maybe. But I gotta make one stop first.
Come on.

So, what's in the bag?

- Sperm.
- No, really.

Sperm.

- Whose sperm?
- Seabiscuit's. Who do you think? Mine.

I thought we were going to a movie.

Yeah, but first I'm having my sperm
frozen and getting a vasectomy.

I could've met you at the theater,
you know.

Just hold the bag.

There is another container
inside this bag, right?

Of course. You just gotta keep it
out of the sunlight.

Why? Is it vampire sperm?

Jeez.
He's gonna want to look in the bag.

God.

No!

- What the hell did you do that for?
- I don't know, I panicked.

- Hey, Charlie!
- What?

Are you nuts?
You can't put that in the freezer.

It's ice cream.

Store-bought, not hand-cranked.

Yeah, you're hilarious.

You're lucky I'm still talking to you

after tossing my swimmers
on the Coast Highway.

- What?
- It's nothing.

Thanks to you, I got to reschedule
the whole deal for this afternoon.

- What whole deal?
- It's not important, Jake.

Why shouldn't he know?

Okay, go ahead. Explain it to him.

Well, Jake,

your uncle Charlie is getting a
vasectomy.

What's wrong with the car you have now?

Well done.

All right, let me try again.

A vasectomy is a very simple operation.

- Are you sick?
- No. I'm perfectly healthy.

It's a procedure so that
I don't have babies by accident.

Yeah, like we had to do with Scout.

Scout?

The dog we had.
Couldn't keep it in his fur.

Keep going, you're doing great.

Jake, it's not exactly the same
with people as with dogs.

I know.

Why don't you just use a condom?

I guess he knows more than he lets on.

- You do, don't you?
- I hear things.

Thanks for babysitting, Rose.

My pleasure. Is Charlie gonna be okay?

Yeah. He's just having
a little procedure done,

and I need to be there to drive
him home.

- What kind of procedure?
- It's personal.

I understand. Where is he?

Upstairs, getting ready.
Throwing a few things in a bag.

- I'll tell Jake you're here.
- Okay.

- Charlie?
- Rose, for God's sake!

- You need a hand?
- No, get out.

- Charlie?
- What?

- What's the little cup for?
- Go away, Rose.

Don't be embarrassed.

That's a perfectly natural way
to relieve stress.

You know what I do? Jumping jacks.

Rose, please.

The only downside is, when I exercise,
I get all hot and sweaty,

and my clothes start clinging
to my body.

So then I have to go
and take a nice, hot, soapy shower.

Then what?

Rose?

Oh, damn.

Look, I'm sorry I walked in on you.

I thought you were finished
with the video and everything.

- Forget it, Alan.
- I wish I could.

Why didn't you hang a sock
on the doorknob?

It wouldn't have helped.

Obviously, a power
much greater than myself

doesn't want me to freeze my sperm.

If you don't, and you go ahead
with this vasectomy,

you'll never be able to have children.

What difference does it make?
We both know I'm not daddy material.

No, not now, or any time soon,

but who knows,
maybe in the distant monkey-body future.

Look, this is my life.
I know what's best for me.

Okay, Mr. Harper.

Why don't you jump up on the table,

put your legs in the stirrups
and we'll get you shaved.

Damn, I didn't bring the camcorder.

- Thanks, Alan. I'll see you later.
- Yeah. Good luck.

Don't forget to put a cone around his
head so he doesn't bite at the stitches.

All right,

Let's have a look.

Okay, in my defense,
it's a little cold in here.

Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard that.

So, what's your name?

Naomi.

Let me ask you something, Naomi.

Does doing this make you want
to have dinner with me more or less?

Just a reminder, Mr. Harper,
I'm holding a razor to your genitals.

I know, but how "meet cute" is this?

What a great story to tell our...

Our what?

Never mind.

- Okay, all done.
- That was quick.

You got a little mirror
so I can check out the back?

Not that little.

Come on, honey. I know. Breathe with me.

All right, that's good.

I gotta do one quick snip
and then I'll meet you at the hospital.

- Excuse me, quick snip?
- No, thanks, I'm fine.

Yeah. I love you, too.
Breathe, honey. Just breathe.

Okay, bye-bye.
It's getting exciting now.

Okay,
let's see what we're up against here.

Woof. That's quite a haircut.

Looks like my grandma in a bathing cap.

Okay, Mr. Harper,

I'm gonna give you
a local anesthetic here

so you're gonna feel a little sting.

Just let me know when you're about to.
Holy Mother of God!

Okay, here it comes. Kidding.

I got you.

Now, we'll just give it a minute
till we're nice and numb.

You know, we're thinking Juliet now,
or maybe Julianne.

Both good names.

Yeah, you want a name that fits a child,
but also is appropriate for an adult.

Can you feel my finger?

What finger? Why? What are you doing?

Okay, let's start snipping.

Naomi, could you get that for me?

Hello? Hi, honey. No, I can talk.

What, you're kidding, already?
Okay, don't panic, I'm on my way.

Okay, this is a little embarrassing,
but I have to go.

Why don't you see to it that
Mr. Harper has another appointment?

And no charge for the haircut. Yeah.

I'm gonna be a daddy.

Man, he looks really happy.

Yeah,
they've been trying for a long time.

You can put your legs down now.

Yeah, that's one option.

- Unbelievable.
- Let it go, Alan.

Who goes in for a vasectomy
and comes out with a date?

What? I'm a man, she's a woman.

A woman who two minutes
after you met her

was shaving your scrotum.

So we skipped ahead a little.

- You feeling any calmer, Uncle Charlie?
- What do you mean?

When Scout had his operation,
he got real calm.

Then he got fat and only wanted
to sleep behind the dryer.

Okay, first of all,
it's not the same operation.

And second of all,
I didn't even have it.

- So you're gonna have kids?
- I don't know. Maybe some day.

I hope so, because you'd be a cool dad.

Really?

- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.

So, you're not gonna have the vasectomy?

I tried my best,
but it just wasn't meant to be.

What do you mean?

Do you think it was a coincidence
that my urologist was having a baby

at the very moment
I was about to get snipped?

I mean, I'm not
a particularly religious guy,

but clearly a power
much greater than myself

wants me to
knock somebody up some day.

You called?