Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 19 - Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon - full transcript

Okay, salute the sun.

Deep cleansing breath.

Release your
negative energy.

Oh, I'd better not.

The only thing holding me
together is negative energy.

And into downward dog.

Knees straight.

Extend your hips.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

I can't...
I can't straighten my legs.

All right.



Let me just help
you out here.

That's it.

That's it.

Just let it go.

Let it go.

Shall I light some candles
and put on some music?

We're doing yoga.

It's none of my business--
just put a towel down.

Oh, Berta, that's the doorbell.

Heard it--
not getting it.

Yeah, I'll get it.

I need a break anyway.

It's only been five minutes.

Uh, not the first time
I've heard that.



Hey, Al.

Oh, hey, Herb,
what brings you by?

Oh, you, uh, left
your wallet at my house.

I didn't even
notice it was missing.

Really? It's been over a week.

Hard to notice something's
missing when you never use it.

Well, thank you.

Oh, no problem.

Hey, I want to apologize
for my behavior lately.

I've been in a real dark place
since Judith left.

No apologies necessary.

Uh, the important thing is
you're feeling better.

Well, I'm not putting
her nightgown on a pillow

and spooning it
anymore so, uh,

yeah, coming out
of the darkness.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Wh-what is it?
Is it your back?

No, it's my front.

I need a Doctor.
Right here.

No, a real doctor.

Right here, right here.

Where does it hurt?

Uh, it's my balls.
Oh.

I'm gonna have to stick
my hands down your pants.

For once I'm glad I didn't
make it into medical school.

Make it stop, make it stop.

Ooh. A little swampy down here.

I wasn't expecting company.

Oh, oh, I see.

You've got a twist
in your spermatic chord.

I'm gonna have to perform

a manual detorsion
on your testes.

What does that mean?

Your nuts are in a knot--
I need to untie them.

No, no, no.

Look, it's either that or your
blood supply'll be cut off.

You might lose a testicle.

Go, man, go.

Uh, remember, rigthy tighty,
lefty loosey.

This reminds me of the summers
of my youth.

I used to pick peaches on my...

Will you just do it?!

Ah, that feels good.

Ah, I love you, Herb.

We're gonna need a code word

so I stop walking
in on this stuff.

10x19
Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon

Got the ice.
It's crushed.

Kind of like your balls.

That is the worst pain
I've ever experienced.

Says the only guy in this room
who wasn't married to Judith.

There you go.
Whoa!

And just like that,
I'm a grower, not a shower.

I know it's uncomfortable but
you need to ice the soreness

for 20 minutes
every couple hours

and avoid sudden movements.

How did this happen?

Well, imagine your testicles

hanging like wind chimes.

Most days they sway gently and
you hear a beautiful melody.

Other days the wind kicks up
and, uh, they get twisted

and it sounds like a washing
machine full of cowbells.

Am I gonna be okay?

Oh, yeah, don't worry,
but just to make sure

you should stop by
my office tomorrow.

We'll do an ultrasound.

Why do you need an ultrasound
in a pediatrician's office?

Well, when a kid swallows
a Matchbox car,

you need to know whether it's
gonna drive out on its own

or has to be airlifted.

Well, good news.

Everything looks
completely normal.

And speaking as a medical
professional,

your junk is extraordinary.

Uh, thank you.

I didn't know whether
to examine it

or feed it a peanut.

Okay, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna put my clothes on now.

You should avoid strenuous
activity and I'd, uh,

like to schedule a follow-up
in a couple weeks.

Sounds good.

Hey, while you're here, uh,

can I ask you
a little personal advice?

You had my hands down my pants
on two separate occasions.

If you were a woman, I'd be
meeting your parents now.

Well, you've been dumped
a lot, right?

No.

I mean, what's "a lot"?
I...

Yes, I have.

How did you get over
your wife leaving you?

You know the five stages
of grief?

Sure.

They left out
the three best ones--

pot, one-night stands
and buying a beach house.

I don't know,
I'm not sure that's me.

You can't just sit around
feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm getting so good at it.

Well, it gets better.

You just got to get out there
and meet somebody new.

It's tough-- Judith and I were
together a long time.

I get it.

She was your world.

But trust me.

You will meet
someone else to spend

the rest of your life with.

In my case it was Alan.

Yeah, I'm surrounded
by sick kids all day.

Where am I gonna
meet someone?

You just got
to keep your heart

and your eyes open.

Who are they?

Oh, they're
pharmaceutical reps.

They come by and give
away free drugs.

Yeah, where are you
gonna meet someone?

Okay, I got a good feeling
about this one.

This is my house.

Okay, Mr. Driver,
we're good.

Bye-bye.

Ladies, I must warn you

that once you cross
this threshold

you waive your
right to sobriety,

chastity,

dignity,

and a couple other "ity-ties."

Waived.
Yeah, me, too.

Oh, wow.

This is so cool.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
this is happening.

Oh, it's happening.
Okay.

What's the plan--
are we, uh,

are we two twosomes?

Or a foursome?

Or do you want
to have a threesome

with them while I watch?

'Cause I'm fine with that.

I'm not.

Oh, okay, I'll just
take the tall one.

Which one's the tall one?

I got this.

Okay, ladies.

Alcohol is this way.

We don't want anyone sobering up
and thinking things through.

Hey, Alan!

Hey, uh, uh,
who are your friends?

Oh, this is Plaxitril

and she sells Kristen.

No, no, no, I'm Kristen.

I sell Plaxitril.

I'm pretty sure it's
the other way around.

It's, uh,

it's nice to meet you, Kristen.

Oh, and this is Morgan.

I sell boner pills
and baby laxatives.

And I'm Herb.
Hi, Herb.

Yes, I am.

Okay.

Salt, check, uh...

Limes, check.

Tequila, check.

Two gorgeous ladies.

Check.
Check.

The doctor's ready
to administer some shots.

Some body shots.

Well...

I guess I am
gonna masturbate tonight.

Hey, did I tell you
that I was a gymnast?

You're kidding.

Nope.

I was an alternate
for the Olympic team.

I can totally put both

of my legs behind
my head. Watch.

U.S.A.!

I can't do that, but I can put

my entire fist in my mouth.

Check it out.

Beautiful and talented.

Thank you.

Yup, definitely masturbating.

Hey, Alan!

Hey, uh, you guys having fun?

Yeah, I was just getting
more tequila.

How are you?

I'm good.
Just watching Downton Abbey.

Big episode.

Someone stole a spoon.

Walden,
get the video camera!

Aw, good idea.

There's gonna be a video.

Hey, Alan?

Do you got any Crisco?

Um...

Uh, there's some olive oil
by the stove.

That'll work.

Have you seen my bra?

Uh, uh, no.

Your son hid it somewhere.

I'm sorry, my son?

Yeah, Walden.

Hey, Alan.

Have you seen Plaxitril?

♪ Men. ♪

Morning.

Hey, what's that for?

You can't carry a toilet bowl.

Are you drunk or hungover?

Yes.

What happened last night?

A lot of gray areas.

There was tequila.

A walk on the beach.

And then
the coast guard escorted

our boat back to shore.

Wait, your boat?

Well, not technically.

I commandeered it.

Apparently Plaxitril has

a pirate side effect.

Top of the morning to you.

How are you in such a good mood?

Three pills, two pukes
and a poo and I'm good to go.

You know what? You were right.

I can't sit around
feeling sorry for myself.

Last night was a revelation
for me.

I have never felt so alive.

Which is ironic,
because I believe

for a few minutes last night
I was legally dead.

Now who wants a Bloody Mary?

I'll have one.

Don't judge me.
You stole a boat.

Attaboy. How about you, Walden?

I don't think I can have
any more alcohol.

I don't think I can have
any more alcohol.

Man up. I didn't fix those nuts

so you could grow a vagina.

All right, I'll have one.

Attagirl.

Alan?

Wha...?

What time is it?

6:30.

Is the sun going up or dow

Not a clue.

What the hell?

Hey! Look who finally woke up.

What's going on?

We're having a party.

How?!

Well, Morgan and Kristen
came over.

I sent out
a couple tweets.

I posted a couple
pictures on Instagram.

Bing-bang-boom, here we are.

I chat on AOL a lot.

Okay, I think we need
to shut this down.

Yeah, yeah, we're fried.

Oh, here, these'll fix you up.

Are you a pharmaceutical
rep, too?

No. I'm a junior
at Pepperdine.

Pepperdine's
a good school.

Wow. This looks like
Charlie Sheen's house.

Alan.

Alan, wake up.

Pepperdine is not a good school.

Why am I face down

on the back of the sofa
in my underwear?

Because I was kind enough
to put underwear on you.

How did this happen?

Herb.

Oh, that guy's out of control.

This house is a mess.

Maybe I should I just cut
my losses and sell it.

Don't even joke like that.

Oh, Berta,
thank God you're here.

Aw, hell no.

♪ Men. ♪

Th-This was
a very good idea.

Yeah. It's like an adult
diaper for your mouth.

Uh! Wow. Swimming in the ocean
is the best cure for a hangover.

Well, that
and pharmaceutical cocaine.

Time to have the talk?

Yeah.

Hey, Herb,
you got a sec?

Sure.

You're gonna have
to come to us.

What's up?

Alan has something
he wants to tell you.

You know, you know, Herb,

we-we, we think
you're a lot of fun.

Yeah, the last few weeks
have been a blast.

It's been two days.

Oh, good Lord.

I guess what we're saying
is maybe it's time

to get back to our
regular lives.

My regular life sucks.

No, it doesn't.

You're-you're just upset
because Judith left you.

Yeah. And I haven't thought
about her at all

the last two days. Or weeks.
Whichever we agreed is real.

And-and that's great,
but, you know, we just...

we have to slow down
a bit.

Yeah, just take a break.

You know, get
back to normal.

You know, sleep,
eat, bathe.

Pass a field
sobriety test.

Wait. Are you kicking me out?

Oh, no...
Uh, uh...

No, we're not kicking
you out so much as...

Yeah, we're
kicking you out.

I see.

I mean,
it's nothing personal.

Just, you know, sometimes...

Yes, it's personal.

Well, say no more.

I know when it's time to go.

I'm-I'm sorry, Herb.

I said say no more!

Oh, hey.
I got new trash cans.

They're wicker.

What's the problem?

You can't puke in wicker.

It's like using a mesh condom.

All the important stuff
gets through.

Fine. I'll return them.
Of course, I'll need

to hold onto your credit card
for a few more days.

Of course you will.

Hey, you haven't talked
to Herb lately, have you?

No. I texted him
a couple days ago,

but he never responded.

Hmm. I called him,
invited him over for dinner

and I never heard back.

Hmm.

You think he's okay, right?

Yeah. Why wouldn't he be?

Exactly.

I mean, you know,
other than the fact

that his marriage
just fell apart.

And the last time we saw him

he was counteracting
pharmaceutical cocaine

by snorting cat tranquilizers.

And then we go kick him out.

Oh, my God, we killed Herb.

No, no, that's not true.

You killed Herb.

It's pretty cool that
you can track somebody

from their credit card.

Yeah. I'd track you
if you ever used yours.

Alan, Walden, what are you
doing here?

We were worried
about you.

No need. Me and the girls were
just about to eat.

Lobster?

No.

You're still partying with
the pharmaceutical reps?

They bailed. These chicks came
with the room.

Okay, Herb, it's time
for the party to end.

We're way past partying.
Welcome to the freak show!

You're right about that!

Herb, you need help.

No, no, I don't.
All I need is more Plaxitril

and possibly a hepatitis test.

So long.

And we were worried.

Well, if it isn't
Mr. and Mrs. Buzzkill.

You're the Mrs.

Why are you wearing
a diaper?

Saves time.

All right,
enough is enough, Herb.

It's time to put your life
back together.

You need to go home.

I don't think so.

You see, out there,
I'm just Herb,

but here in room 204 at the
Budget Motor Inn I'm God.

And nobody tells God
what to do. Nobody!

Judith?

Cut the crap, Herb.
Let's go.

Okay.

I missed you.
Shut up!

You think we did
the right thing?

Oh, definitely.
If he would have kept this up,

he wouldn't have lasted a week.

True. Now he'll only be dead
on the inside.

Walk, walk, walk.

Was that sheep
wearing lipstick?

Don't look back.

♪ Men. ♪

Well, everything
still looks fine.

No more follow-ups?

Nope. Dumbo's good to go.

So how are things with you?

Oh, could not be better.

I really appreciate what
you and Alan did for me.

That's what friends are for.

Plus, Judith and I
are back together.

I'm a happy man, Walden.
Nice.

Come in.

Dr. Melnick? Here's that chart
you asked for.

Thank you.

Isn't that the girl
from Pepper...

Shh. Shh, shh,
shh, shh.