Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 20 - Bazinga! That's From a TV Show - full transcript

Alan is just worried when Jake presents his new lover Ashley, hence given up a more promising adult relationship. Walden's puzzled amusement, shared by Berta, grows with some admiration and commiseration as the clueless knave specifies it's none other then her predecessor and mother, Tammy, who objects out of maternal concern, which Walden manages to sooth. Then arrives her previous adult lover, super-slick TV ad car salesman Jerry, a businessman to Walden's taste, who wants Ashley back and just won't give up.

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Previously, on...

H-Hello?

Hey, Dad. Uh, this is
my girlfriend, Tammy.

Uh, Tammy,
this is my dad Alan.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

How'd you two meet?

A couple of us guys
from the base

went out drinking, and they
bet me a hundred bucks

that I wouldn't get
this tattoo of two arms

coming out of
my butt crack.

Oh, Jake, you didn't.



No, Tammy wouldn't let me.
Thank you for that.

I took one look
at his ass and I thought,

I don't want to tattoo that,
I want to bite that.

She's old enough
to have you as her kid.

So what? You are, too.

I-I don't understand
why you're with Jake.

The bottom line is,
I think your son is terrific.

And I know what we have
isn't gonna last forever,

but it's what I want
in my life right now.

And I don't know when
the last time you had sex

with a 19-year-old boy was,
but it is a lot of fun.

What a nice surprise

to have you home
for the weekend.

Well, it's good
to be home.



Okay. I hate to be the one
to break up this happy reunion,

but you both do realize
this is not your home.

(chuckles)
He's cute.

He really is, though.

ALAN: So, uh,
so what's going on?

Anything new in the Army?

Oh, did I tell you
I got promoted?

I'm in charge of three
other guys in the kitchen now.

Wow! My son the leader.

Yeah, it's awesome.
They have to do whatever I say.

I made this one guy
chug a tray of hot dog water.

Uh, why would you do that?

It's called
earning respect, Dad.

I-I don't understand.

Which part?
Earning or respect?

Bazinga.

Uh, it's from a TV show.

So, uh, how are things
with you and Tammy?

Actually, we broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened?

We just decided
it wasn't gonna work out.

We had
unrecognizable differences.

Uh, u-unrecognizable
differences?

Yeah, you know,
when you can't see

what the problem is, but you
just have to break up anyway.

(doorbell rings)

Somehow that actually
makes sense.

So, are you doing okay?

I know breakups can be hard.

Yeah, it actually helps
to focus on my career.

Get this-- one time
I made the guys

stick their things in pudding.

They must respect you so much.

Tammy.

Where the hell is he?!

I assume that you're talking...

Jake!

Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Get back here,

you son of a bitch!

I am gonna kill you!

I sense that he didn't
tell us everything.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

JAKE: Let...
let go of me!

Am I hurting you?
No.

How about now?
Ow, ow, ow.

Wait, what-what
the hell is going on?

Tell them.

Um, I broke up with Tammy
to see another girl.

Oh, well, you know,

sometimes relationships
run their course...

Tell them who it was.

I don't think
they really...

Tell them!
Ow!

It was her daughter.

Wait, wait, y-you slept
with your girlfriend's daughter?

Jerry Springer is taped

before a live
studio audience.

I trusted you to be a
good influence on Ashley.

You know, it was your idea
for us to spend time together.

You were supposed to be
tutoring her in math!

What were you thinking?

Jake tutoring math?

What were you thinking?

I figured you were gonna
find another girl someday.

I just didn't
think it would be

the one that came
from my uterus.

I'm sorry,
it just sort of happened.

Ow!

Sorry, it just
sort of happened.

Jake, did you even once consider

that there were
other people involved?

Yeah, of course. I mean,
that's what made it so hot.

Her mom was in the other room.

That's it,
I'm killing him!

Dad! Dad!

(chanting):
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Okay, walk me through this.

Start from the beginning.

Well, by all accounts,
I was a happy baby.

Fast-forward.

You and Tammy's daughter.

How?

All right.

Imagine Tammy at 18,
in a string bikini,

crying on your shoulder,
saying,

"Why can't all guys
be like you?"

Walden?

Oh, sorry,
I was still imagining.

It was the perfect storm.

Ashley, had just broken up
with her boyfriend

and Tammy was asleep.

I'm the victim here.

Okay, I...

On one hand,
your behavior is despicable.

On the other,

the elusive mother-daughter
combo. Up top.

But... (sighs)

last time you were
here, you were saying

that Tammy was the
love of your life

and you wanted
to marry her.

What can I say?
I was young and naive back then.

That was six
weeks ago.

I never meant to hurt Tammy.

I care about them both.

Hey, do you think
there would ever be a chance

I could
get them both together...

You're adorable.

What the hell
is wrong with your son?

That is a question for the ages.

Kind of like,
"If there really is a God,

why is there so much sorrow
in the world?"

or, "How have I managed

to keep living in this house
all these years?"

You know, I'm tempted to sleep
with you just to get back

at him.

(gasping)

Oh, well, I'm, uh,
I'm, uh, I'm flattered,

but I actually...

I was just kidding.

(sighs) How could
he do this to me?

Well, you said yourself,

you knew this thing with
Jake wasn't gonna last.

Yeah, but there are plenty

of other little skanks
in our town.

Why did he have
to pick my little skank?

I wish there was something that
would make you feel better.

Uh, what if
Jake apologized?

What if I cut his balls off?

So, we've got options.

All right, you two,

now-now, let's, uh,
let's think of the couch

as a safe place
for communication.

Uh, uh, neutral corner,
neutral corner.

Now, and-and this,
uh, this pillow

represents the wall of respect.

Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
place it between the two of you.

Okay?

Now, uh, Tammy, would you like

to start?

Hey! Hey!

She hit me
with the wall of respect.

And you slept with my daughter.

So we'll call it even?

Hey!

What's going on?

Oh, well,
it's complicated.

Uh, remember
Jake's girlfriend Tammy?

Yeah.

She has
an 18-year-old daughter...

And Jake nailed her.

Okay, not
that complicated.

Uh, Jake,
do you want to say something?

All right.

Uh, I'm sorry for cheating
on you with your daughter.

But, I mean,

when you think about it,
it's really a compliment.

'Cause she's just
a much younger version of you.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get that.
I'll get that.

I didn't know
Jake had it in him.

Apparently, he's had
it in everybody.

Ashley?

Baby!

Get your mouth off my daughter

you cheating
son of a bitch!

Oh, that would make
a great country song.

Ashley, what are you doing here?

Mom, I know you're upset
and that's why I came, but...

Hey, is that my shirt?

Hey, is that my boyfriend?

Oh, please!

Like you haven't stolen
boyfriends from me before.

He was your teacher!

Yeah, and thanks to you,
I failed biology.

No, biology failed me!

(gasps)

This makes me
so homesick.

Come on, Mom.

No, Ashley, I am
not gonna let you

throw your life away
for this loser.

Hey, hey, that
loser is my son.

And your ex-boyfriend.

Yeah, I was
just having fun.

Ashley needs to think
about her future.

Hey... he has
a very bright...

You know what, this
is family business.

You are not
the boss of me.

If I want to date a
loser, then I will.

Thank you.
(doorbell rings)

I can actually feel
my IQ dropping.

Are you Jake's father?

Yeah.

Oh!

You don't have to
pay me for today.

♪ Men. ♪

What the hell?

Why did you hit me?

Because I can't hit a kid.

And your son's
messing with my Ashley.

You're Ashley's dad?

Ew! No!
Ew! No!

I'm her boyfriend.

Ew. No.
Ew. No.

He's my ex-boyfriend.

I'm with Jake now.

Oh, come on,
I take craps bigger than him.

Takes me an hour and a half,
but I do it.

What are you
doing here, Jerry?

Whoa, Jerry?

From Jerry's Cadillac
in Tustin?

That's right, son.

No credit, no problem.

Really?

"Want a Caddy, I'm your Daddy."

I want a daddy.

I want you back, Ashley.

(scoffs) Whatever.
Too little, too late, Jer-Bear.

Yeah, Jer-Bear.

You know, it's like that
old song: "If you liked it,

then you should've put
a ring on it."

Well, I bought you a belly ring.

Oh, that was you?

I chipped my tooth
on that thing.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

how did you meet
Hannah Montana here?

It's actually a cute story.

We were shooting a commercial

for our Fourth of July
Savings Spectacular.

I was dressed as Uncle Sam,

with a row of pretty girls
behind me

wearing bikinis
and waving sparklers.

I took one look at Ashley,

pointed at her and said,
"Uncle Sam wants you."

That is a cute story.

Fireworks went off in
my pants that night.

Okay, not so
cute anymore.

I mean, how can you not love
a girl like this?

She's smart, she's funny,
and she's got a better body

than the new SRX Crossover.
Don't you, darling?

Don't "darling" me. You had
your chance and you blew it.

Oh, come on, Ashley.
I've been married four times.

And you know
why they didn't work.

I got a mistress,

and her name
is Customer Satisfaction.

All right.

Look, Jerry, if my little girl
doesn't want to see you,

then you got to go.

Thanks, Mom.
Shut up.

Okay.

It takes two
to make a deal.

But know this, Ashley:

I guarantee
I will always love you.

Just like I guarantee
no one can beat my prices.

♪ If you need a set of wheels,
Jerry's making super deals ♪

♪ At Jerry's Cadillac. ♪

Oh, come on.
It's catchy.

God, I've failed
as a parent.

No.

Yeah.

Maybe.

My beautiful young daughter
has narrowed her choices down

to a 19-year-old who needs
to ask the Wizard for a brain

and a sleazy car salesman

who barely escaped
a Dateline special.

O-Okay, so it's not
an ideal situation,

but... what is?

Sometimes kids
make mistakes.

Yeah, sometimes kids
are mistakes.

Well, look,
when I was a kid,

I made a lot of choices
my parents didn't agree with.

Like dropping out of M.I.T.,
and that turned out great.

(chuckles)

Somehow I don't think

Ashley's on the road
to incredible wealth.

She's more on the road

to antibiotic-resistant
gonorrhea.

Wow.

That's... just...

Wow.

When is it gonna stop?

When's what gonna stop?

The taking.

I mean, that's all
kids ever do.

I mean, first they
take over your body

like a little parasite.

And then they trash your
fun zone on the way out.

Then they suck your boobs
until your nipples

look like the worn-out thumb
on a work glove.

You do paint a picture
with your words.

And then it
gets really bad.

They take your
sleep, your time,

your favorite dress,
keys to your car,

the weed you had hidden
in a cowboy boot

in the back of
your closet.

Leave it up to my daughter
to go the extra mile

and take my boyfriend.

And you know
why you keep giving?

Because I'm a glutton
for punishment?

Because you love her, and
you want what's best for her.

I suppose.

Okay, let me ask you this:
were you happy with Jake?

I mean, you know,

before he started
climbing the family tree.

Honestly, Jake's
a great guy.

So isn't it possible

that he may also be a great guy
for your daughter?

No.

Yes.

Maybe.

Really? The thumb
on a work glove?

Oh, honey, that was
two boob jobs ago.

These puppies can
cut glass now.

Sorry Jerry
hit you, Dad.

So am I.

Yeah, what was that about?
I mean, he won't hit a kid,

but he'll hit somebody
way older than him?

What?

(loudly):
I said, "He won't hit a kid,

but he'll hit someone
way older than him!"

Hey.

(clears throat)

(sighs)

I have something
I want to say to you two.

Don't care.

I swear to God, Ashley, I paid
to get those teeth straight,

I will crooked 'em up again!

WALDEN:
Up-bup-bup-bup.

Eye on the ball, Tammy.
Eye on the ball.

If you two want
to be with each other,

I am not gonna stand
in your way.

Really?

If you think you can
be happy together,

then be happy together.

Wow. Thank you, Tammy.

I... guess I just
hope Ashley and I

can be as happy as
you and I were.

Stop talking.

But I already am happy,
Jake-Bear.

Give me some sugar.

This is the oddest family moment
I have ever witnessed.

(doorbell rings)

Maybe I should
grease up a pig

in case they want
to wrestle later.

Jerry.

(sighs)
I feel bad about before,

so I brought you an official
Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie.

I told you, it's over.

You did.

But I'm driving home

in my limited edition
Escalade...

...when it hits me.

If I've learned one thing
in my 25 years

as Orange County's
number one dealer

of premium
luxury vehicles,

it's that you don't take no
for an answer.

God, this guy's good.

So I came back here
to ask you just

one question.

(gasps)

What's it gonna take to get you
into my life today?

Oh, my God,
look at the size of that rock.

Dude, you can't buy her love
with a diamond ring.

But wait, there's more.

My manager's gonna kill me,
but if you say yes right now...

...I will throw in a 2012
powder blue Mercedes SL

I just bought
at a police auction.

I don't know what to do.

ALAN and TAMMY:
Take the car!

Dad!

It's a Mercedes.

We got a deal, Ashley?

Sold!

OTHERS:
Aw...

Ew!

I love these people.

♪ Men. ♪

(knocking, door opens)

Jake?

Doing okay?

I guess.

I really screwed things up
this time, didn't I?

Well...

you certainly screwed
everything you could.

I mean, I had
such a good thing going--

first with Tammy
and then Ashley---

and now I'm all alone.

That's because you're a Harper.

It's what we do.

We take something good
and turn it into nothing.

I don't like being a Harper.

Nobody does, son.

Nobody does.

What a day, huh?

Yeah.

Sorry about all the trouble.

Oh. You kidding me?

Jerry sold me an Escalade
at dealer cost.

Oh, honey, you didn't
fall for that, did you?

He really is the king,
isn't he?

And my daughter gets
to be the queen.

It's a white trash fairy tale.

Hey. Let's talk
about something happier.

Remember when Alan
got punched in the face?

(laughing):
Yeah. That was awesome.

Mmm. (chuckles)
(sighs)

You know, the older I get,

the less I understand
about relationships.

Me, too. I'm like a blind man

trying to get out
of a doorknob factory.

I mean, how is
that possible?

I mean, you're handsome
and smart and charming...

You're embarrassing me.

Go on.

I mean, you got
the whole package.

Well, you do, too.

I mean, you're beautiful,
you're independent,

you're intelligent...

Oh, stop.

Well, don't
actually stop.

You're funny.

You're...

...really, really
beautiful.

Okay, that probably
wasn't a good idea.

Definitely not.

Berta's gonna love this.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==