Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 18 - The 9:04 from Pemberton - full transcript

Hey lyndsey,
just calling to say good night.

Oh, oh,
you're in bed already?

So, uh,
what are you wearing?

Really?

What kind of sweat pants?

Ooh,
big, old gray ones.

Is it just me or are you
getting turned on, too?

It's...J-j-just me?

Well, that's fine.

I do some of my best work alone.

All right, all right,
go to sleep.



I love you.

Do you love...?

I know she does.

Oh, great.

(sighs)

(screams)

Uh-oh, uh...

(sighs)

Oh!

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I can't burn down
another house.

(shrieking)

Andy! Right here, I'm open!

- Whoo!
- Dad, go long!



- Yeah.
- Again!

- Well done, son!
- Way to go, S.H.

Thanks, Kev.

- I'm sick of neighborhood watch.
- I'm bored.

- Yeah, I'm bored, too. Let's go home.
- Yeah.

Hey, I wanna cut off some of my hair and
see what you'd look like with a goatee.

- Yeah.
- No, no. No goatee.

Neighborhood watch. I know
what will make this more fun.

- This does make it more fun.
- Yeah.

God, I like Tom wine. You know,
I think his family has a vineyard.

Hey, you guys. Tom's family
doesn't have the vineyard.

He is the vineyard.

We're drinking his feet!

Let's pour it out.

- It is pretty good, though.
- Alcohol is sterile.

- To sweaty foot wine!
- Chin-chin.

I'm with you.

- Hmm...
- I wonder what else is going on.

Check this out.
I thought Rick and Steve were brothers.

Chad Shultz just opened a beer
during his intervention!

Wow, the Goldsteins' fight
got sexual in a hurry.

I know, it's like, "You're worthless,
I hate you, put a baby inside of me!"

Neighborhood watch sucked,
but Wine and Spy rocks.

♪ men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
♪ ooh

♪ men, men, men, men,
manly men ♪
♪ ooh
♪ ooh

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ ooh
♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.

Morning.

Hey.

Sorry again about last night.
(awkward laugh)

Sorry about what?

The fact that
my date and I came home

Last night to find
a middle-aged man

Spraying water
all over my kitchen

In his tighty
not-so-whities?

I was putting out a fire.

I'm a hero.

Really?

'cause it looked like you were
posing for

The world's most disturbing
firemen calendar.

Okay, okay, I get it.

You're a little upset.

But I have something that will
make you feel better.

♪ ta-da.

I went out to the drugstore

And bought you a new toaster
to replace the old one.

The other one was better.

Better?!

This is the toastblaster deluxe.

This is the best thing to happen
to sliced bread since...

Sliced bread.

But mine had glass walls,

So you could watch the
toast turn tropical brown.

It was like a... Little...

Bread tanning booth.

Well, check this out, you know.

Light, dark.

Dark...

Light.

Okay, that's, uh...

That-that's supposed to happen.

That's ac-- that's actually
a safety feature.

You know,
common courtesy dictates

That if you're
gonna use my stuff

And break my stuff,

That you replace my stuff

With equally awesome stuff.

This-this-this
is what would happen

If my toaster took a crap.

What are you talking about?

This is a
perfectly good toaster.

Look, okay, you know what?
I'll prove it to you.

Hope you're hungry.

(loud buzzing)

(loudly):
Listen to that baby purr!

(loudly):
I hate you.

Berta:
By the way,

In case I forget.

I might be a little
late on Monday.

Oh, no problem.

When should
I expect you?

Wednesday.

Should I dock you
for the time you miss?

I wouldn't.

(sighs)

Here you go.

What's this?

I went to the store
and I asked them,

"what is the
stupidest thing I can buy?"

And they
gave me this toaster.

Enjoy.

You know,
you didn't have to do that.

Ah, you made it pretty clear
that I did.

In fact, I forwent replacing
my cell phone to buy this.

"forwent"?

It's a word.

Well, I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Uh, and you don't have to worry
about me ruining that one,

Because
I will never use it.

Okay, stop being ridiculous.

(scoffing)

You want to know what's
ridiculous?

A glass toaster.

What's next?

A glass toilet,

So you can wave good-bye
to the toast?

How about a glass front door

So I can wave good-bye to you?

Oh, please!
You would be lost without me.

I would be
lost without you?
Yeah.

Okay, the only thing that you've
brought into my life

Is an oil-leaking volvo,

A musty smell in
my guest room

And the word "forwent."

It is the past tense
of "forgo."

Edify yourself, sir.

And have you noticed

That all the people in your life
come and go,

But I am the one constant?

I am always here.

Maybe the reason
they come and go

Is because you are always here.

When a woman dumps you,
who picks up the pieces?

Alan harper.

And who picks up the check?

Walden schmidt.

(scoffs)
of course, of course.

Pull out the money card.

They're called credit cards.

Edify yourself, sir.

Okay, if-if-if
this is how you think,

Then I don't even know why
I'm living here.

Oh, I do: Because it's free!

Okay, okay, maybe I should go.

Maybe you should.

Fine.
Fine.

Okay.
Okay.

I am not bluffing.

Me neither.

This is me
opening the door.

This is me watching.

This is me leaving forever.

This is me waving good-bye.

And this is me homeless.

♪ men... ♪

You know what the problem is?

Walden doesn't appreciate what
I bring to the party.

I've never seen you bring
anything to a party.

Except a ziplock bag
to steal the shrimp.

Whose side are you on?

Yours, of course.

Listen, I know you're upset,

But I'm sure you two
lovebirds will kiss and make up.

No, not happening.

He does not want me back,
and I'm not going back.

You're not?
No.

I have my self-respect.

I do.

So where are you gonna live?

(chuckling): Where am I
going to live? You're cute.

(chuckling):
Thanks.

So where are
you gonna live?

Seriously?

Alan, I want
to live with you.

But when you move in,

I want it to be
because I'm your first choice,

Not your last resort.

You are my
first choice.
I'm your only choice.

My one and only choice.

Until walden asks
you to move back.

Oh, please!

I-I am offended that you could
even suggest such a thing.

You are the woman I love;

The woman I want to spend
the rest of my life with.

Aw... You're right, sweetie.

I'm sorry. You can move in.
Oh, thank you.

It'll be nice to
share the place with you.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.

And we can split all the bills
right down the middle.

Ah...

Oh, come on,
you don't want my money.

You're an
independent woman.

Walk proud.

Walk over
to this door and let me back in.

Herb:
Hey, alan.

Oh, god! Herb!

What-what are you doing?

Neighborhood watch.

Oh, that's nice.

I-I didn't even know
there was one.

There isn't.

So, uh, you and
lyndsey have a little tiff?

Oh, uh, not really a tiff,
as much as, uh...

Hey, are you
still rattling around

In that big old
house all by yourself?

Yeah, I don't think judith's
ever coming back.

That's terrific...

...Ly sad.

You know what?

At a time like this, you-you
should not be alone.

Let's go over to your place
and have a few beers.

You're a good friend, alan.

What can I say?
I'm a giver.

Say, do you still have
the hide-a-bed in the den?

♪ men... ♪

All right, I packed up
all zippy's stuff.

It's sad.

His entire life
fits into one duffel bag.

What's even sadder
is it's my duffel bag.

He's coming back;
you know that, right?

No, he's not.

He is a human boomerang.

He's going to circle around,
break a window,

And land right on your couch.

(doorbell rings)

Open a window
in the kitchen,

Maybe he'll just
go straight through.

Alan.

Walden.

Don't worry, I'm just here
to pick up my things

And then I'll be on my way.

Where you heading,
zippy, back to mommy's?

Living with my mother--

That's pretty pathetic,
isn't it?

No, for your information,

I am living
with my ex-wife's ex-husband

At my ex-house.

Yeah, that's not pathetic.

I packed your things for you.
(clears throat)

Oh.

I presume this is everything?

You presume correct.
Hmm.

Your clothes,
your toaster

And your expired
mexican boner pills.

Is it lonely up there, walden?

Is it lonely
on your cloud of judgment?

I don't know, maybe you could
leave, so I could find out.

All right,
then, good-bye.

Berta, are you crying?

(crying):
I can't help it.

I'm just so damn happy.

♪ men... ♪

♪ men... ♪

Here you go.

Two eggs over easy,
silver dollar pancakes,

Apple wood smoked bacon
and whole grain toast.

(chuckling):
This is delightful, alan.

You really know
how to spoil your man.

And you know
how to flatter yours.

Wow, it seems
like just yesterday

I was living
here with judith.

Only difference now is,

I actually have a
chance at getting laid.

Well, if dinner's
as good as breakfast,

You've got
more than a chance.

(laughing)

Seriously,
I-I really appreciate

You letting
me stay here.

Ah, well, it's nice to
have someone around again.

It's been a little
lonely since judith left.

I found it lonely
even when judith was here.

Mm... Yeah, I've
been watching tv alone

And drinking alone.

I even painted a
moustache on the bathroom mirror

So I'd have
someone to talk to.

R... Really?

Yeah. I call him javier.

(latin accent):
Don't worry, herb,
you're better off.

"yudith," she's a "beetch."

Can't argue with javier.

No, no, I wouldn't--
he's got a fiery latin temper.

And a machete.

Um, l-let me ask you something.

Does herb have a machete?

(footsteps approaching)

Morning.

Morning.

Hey, berta, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not alan.

(laughing)

Free at last, walden.

Thank god almighty,
we're free at last.

Yeah. Although it is
a little quieter around here.

Get a dog-- then it
won't seem so weird

When you catch him
trying to lick himself.

Hey, berta?
Yeah?

What do you think about
turning alan's room

Into a home gym?

Well, I was thinking about
trying to grow pot in there,

But okay.

Hey, berta?

Yeah?

What's going on with you?

What do you mean?

I don't know. Like...

How's your family?

Incarcerated.
(laughs)

That's funny.

Okay. Good talk.

Hey... Berta?

Yeah?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

It's walden. Let me in.

What are your hopes?
What are your dreams?

I'm just hoping to get
out of this conversation.

(chuckles)

You're... You're
on fire today.

Yeah.

Hey, berta?

Oh, for the love of god, what?

I like your vest.

Thanks.

Where'd you get it, like,
the vest store or something?

Thank god I'm high.

Easy, easy.

Sound the horn, let
the townfolk know you're coming.

(train whistle blows)

The 9:04 from pemberton,
now arriving on track one.

Right on time.

I-I had no idea
this was so much fun.

I know.

(gasps)
look, alan...

The mcdougal boy's
coming home from college.

What a reunion this will be.

Welcome home, jimmy!

Wow, you've, uh, created
your own little world here.

Oh, yeah,
and this world's perfect.

Well... Almost perfect.

Jimmy's brother bobby

Got a little too close
to the tracks one night.

Him and his friends were playing
chicken with a freight train.

They found his letterman jacket
three towns away.

Oh, no.
Yeah.

Engineer stan never got over it.

He stopped talking to helen.

He just sits in his room
and paints.

Huh. That's, uh...
That's disturbing.

On a couple of levels.

You know it's
so nice having you.

I don't know why, but train
enthusiasts tend to be loners.

Yeah. It's a mystery.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hey, herb. It's walden.

Oh. Hey, hold on a sec.

Uh, I got to take this;
it's the office.

No problem. I was thinking
of heading over to the bar car

To pick us up a couple
of frosty brews. You want one?

Oh, make mine a root beer.

This town's seen enough tragedy.

(door closes)

Hey, what's up?

Is alan there?

Uh, actually, no,
I haven't seen him all day.

I was really hoping
to talk to him.

You can't talk
to a person that's not here.

Unless you draw a mustache
on the mirror.

What?

Is there a message
I can give him?

Yeah, just tell him
I think I overreacted,

And have him give me a call.

Done and done. Bye-bye.

Everything okay at the office?

Uh, actually, it,
uh, it wasn't work.

No?

It was the, uh,

President of the railroad.

He asked me to give you this.

Congratulations, conductor alan!

Oh, my god! Thank you!

Now, let's get
that coal car unloaded

And head over to the diner.

Take a look at the new waitress.
Ooh!

Word around town is,

(whispers):
She goes all the way.

(computer beeping)

Hey, jake!

Walden.

How are you?
What's going on, buddy?

Not much.
Is my dad there?

No. He actually moved out.

(laughing):
Good one!

No, I'm-I'm serious.

We got in a fight,
and he left.

My dad left that house?

Yeah. We got in a fight, 'cause
he bought a cheap toaster.

W-wait, wait.

And he bought something?

Yeah. And I didn't show
any appreciation for it.

He bought something
with his own money?

I know. I shouldn't
have screamed at him.

I-I should have
thrown him a parade.

Wait a second,
am I being punk'd?

Hey, you know, I got an idea.

Um, you know, just 'cause your
dad doesn't live here anymore

Doesn't mean that you couldn't
come stay for a couple of days.

And do what?

I don't know,
like hang out, do guy stuff.

We could go to a bar
and get drunk.

Mm, I'm only 19; I can't drink.

Well, fine,
we could just get high.

Dude, just call my dad and tell
him you want him to come back.

What if he says no?

(snickers, laughs)

Oh, you're serious.

He's not gonna say no.

Where has he even been living?

He moved into you guys's
old house with herb.

Wow. If there was
a freeloaders hall of fame,

My dad would be living in it.

For free.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, herb.

Walden. What are
you doing here?

I came to talk to alan.

Oh.
Sorry, he's not home.

I'll tell him
you stopped by.
Alan: Who's at the door?

Nobody! Go back
in the train room!

Alan?

Walden?

What's, uh,
what's going on?

I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Really?
Yes.

Super. Hatchet buried.

We'll have you over
for thanksgiving.

Hold on.

I never meant to make you
feel unwelcome in my home.

Well, alan has
a new place now.

A place where
he's appreciated.

A place where
he feels safe.

A place where he can cry
himself to sleep at night

Without the fear
of being mocked.

Y-you heard that?

There's still
a baby monitor in there.

So you also heard...

Let it go, alan.

I appreciate you, too.

Th-that's why I've been leaving
messages with herb for days.

What?!

You haven't gotten them?

Herb...
I'm sorry.

I just wanted a friend.

You know, one who
wasn't trapped in a mirror.

Oh, herb.

I brought you something.

You did?

You don't happen to
have a toaster, do you?

I have a toaster.

I also have a...
A guest room with
a king-size bed

And a new 42-inch
flat-screen tv.

There's no tv in there.

There could be.

Really?

Your turn.

I'm not gonna
try to buy you.

I mean, you're either
my friend or you're not.

I have no such qualms--
I'll throw in a blu-ray player.

Wow.
Okay, all right,
I'm out of here.

No, no, wait, wait, wait.

(sighs)
herb...

I-I can't thank you enough
for taking me in,

But...

As you can see...

Walden needs me.

I wouldn't
go that far.
Shh...

Let me, uh,
let me get my things.

(sighs)

What is it
about that little guy?

What is it about us
that we're fighting over him?

(funky, sultry music
playing on tv)

Ooh.

What do we have here?

Uh-oh, she's being called
into the boss's office.

Looks like somebody blew
the johnson account.

Walden:
Really, alan?

Oh, hey, hey! I, uh, I thought
you were still sleeping.

It's 8:00 in the morning!

So?

Hey, herb. It's walden.

How would you feel
about shared custody?