Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 17 - Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries - full transcript

Hi, future me.

This is 17-year-old you
in your dorm room at M.I.T.

Yeah, that's right.

I did my own Pop Up Video.

How cool is that?

(chuckling)

Still is.

Hopefully you're watching this
from your implanted brain chip,

aka the "Tran-Schmidter,"

running proprietary software

developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.



Failing that,

hopefully you've at least
seen a girl naked.

Hey, what you watching?

Check this out.

I had all my old videotapes
digitized, and I found this.

Oh, my God,
is that you?

You were nothing more
than an awkward,

pimply-faced,
goofy-looking teenager.

We would've been best friends.

Yeah, I made it
when I was at M.I.T.

It outlines everything
I wanted to accomplish

by the time I turned 35.

Oh, I did
a similar thing.

Well, it wasn't
so much a video as, uh,



something I wrote
on a cocktail napkin.

"Don't kill yourself.
It'll get better."

I was so naive.

I hope you've accomplished
your first goal,

as previously stated,
of seeing a girl naked.

And I'm talking in person.

Which I did a short
18 months later.

Goal number two:

Create your
own software company

that revolutionizes
the industry standard

for information transferral
at blinding speeds.

(dial-up modem whirring)

Hear that?
56k dial-up.

In four hours,

I will have downloaded
the entire Spice Girls album.

(laughing)

After building your company
from the ground up,

you will sell it for...

one million dollars.

(laughing)

Well, that
didn't happen.

I sold it
for one billion dollars.

(both laughing)

Yeah, baby!

Don't.

Just...
just don't.

Number three:

live in a beautiful beach house.

Nailed it.

With the love of your life.

Nailed it.

Although it is kind of hard
to meet someone

when you spend 20 hours a day
in the computer lab.

Phyllis is now Phil.

He's a commercial
fisherman in Baton Rouge.

But I'm sure all this hard work
will be worth it someday

when you're watching this video
with your beautiful wife,

four kids, two dogs
and robot butler

developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.

(robotic voice):
Hello, Walden.

Would you like a root beer?

Heck, yeah.

Where did my life
take such a wrong turn?

What are you talking about?

I don't have any of those things
that matter.

No wife, no kids.

All I have is you.

Well...

we could adopt.

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x17 ♪
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
Original Air Date on February 21, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

Hey.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing up?

Alan is sleep-sobbing again.

You still
watching this thing?

I'm a failure, Lyndsey.

No, you're not, Walden.

Although you looked
like one in college.

Yeah, I kind of did.

I mean, I wouldn't have slept with you,
and I slept with everybody.

Got it.

I even slept with
the janitor in my dorm.

Is this supposed
to cheer me up?

(laughing):
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look, when I was 18,

I was convinced
I was gonna marry Axl Rose

and have my own TV show.

Well, they don't give
TV shows to people

just 'cause they're
good-looking.

You know, Walden,
just 'cause your life

didn't turn out
the way you thought,

doesn't mean
it's not a success.

I mean, how many people
can say they're a billionaire?

1,226.

Seriously?

That's a lot more
than I thought.

Do you know them all?

Well, there's not
a club or anything.

But Buffett does host a
poker game once a month.

Last time, I won Guatemala.

Wow.

And then I lost at the end
to the woman who invented Spanx.

Mmm.

Money doesn't mean anything

if I don't have anyone
to share it with.

Oh, I get that.

But you're not going
to meet anybody

sitting on your couch
feeling sorry for yourself.

Are you?

I guess not.

Damn.

I just don't get
relationships.

Nobody does.

They're scary and messy.

And sometimes
you get involved

with somebody
you don't really like.

And... one day, you find
yourself peeing on a stick,

and the plus sign shows up

and you have to give up
your dreams of being an actress

so you can raise a kid
who can only do math

when he's figuring out
the cost of weed.

(sighs)

Pep talks really aren't
your strong suit, are they?

I'm just saying,

things happen,
but you can't give up.

I mean, if I
had stopped looking,

I never would've found my
amazing, wonderful boyfriend.

Oh, you're
cheating on Alan?

ALAN:
Hey.

Uh, would you eat
expired pudding?

No.

Oh, good.
Then I can have it.

Knock yourself out.

What you doing?

I'm looking for
this card, and I can't...

Ah, there it is.

"Emily's Elite
and Discreet Introductions."

Oh, fancy call girls.

I like it.

No, it's a dating service.

Oh, right.
"Dating service." Wink-wink.

You know,
I want to like you,

but sometimes
you make it so hard.

"Substantial relationships
for substantial people."

Ah, big girls.

Get your smoosh on.

They throw mixers
for single rich people.

I wouldn't think you'd be
into that kind of thing.

You've always been a...
a "fate" kind of guy.

Yeah, well,
I'm gonna create my own fate.

Lyndsey's right.

I'm not gonna find anyone sitting around here
feeling sorry for myself.

No, you're not.

Are you?

- What?
- Nothing.

Hey, uh, can I go along?

- No, you have Lyndsey.
- I'd be doing it for her.

Look, I'll find a rich,
90-year-old woman with a bad ticker,

give her the best three minutes
of her life,

and then, you know,
send her out with a bang...

...then spend
my inheritance on Lyndsey.

Or whatever's left
after my grief cruise.

Again, you make it really hard
to like you.

I just want
a sugar mama.

Yeah, you have one.

Her name is Walden.

Walden, we have a
great mixer tonight.

I hope you're ready to meet
some substantial women.

Yep, I'm ready
to get my smoosh on.

I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.

(laughs)
Don't be.

Everyone here is rich
and looking for love.

The only woman in this room
who wants you for your money is me.

(chuckling)
Happy mingling.

Okay.

Hello.

Hello.

Trust fund or tech?

Excuse me?

The way you're dressed means
you're either the beneficiary of a trust fund

or in the tech business.

Unless you're working here,
in which case I need another drink.

Ac-Actually, I'm in tech.
I started my own company when I was...

What do your
Fridays look like?

Uh, a lot like my Thursdays,
just one day later.

(laughing)

A sense of humor.

Some people find
that attractive.

Are you one of them?

I love to laugh.

Now, I've got
Friday evenings,

Sunday afternoons
and ski season.

How does that
work for you?

What...? So...Don't you want
to at least know my name?

Really?

We have to do all this?

All right,
I'm Sylvia Miller,

and I'm the CEO of a major
pharmaceutical company.

- Wow, very impressive.
- Yes.

Every time you get an erection,
you owe me ten dollars.

See? Sense of humor.

Now, Fridays and Sundays.

I just thought maybe we could
spend some time

- getting to know each...
- Nice talking to you.

Okay, I'll put her
on the "maybe" pile.

Hi, How you doing?

Oh, hi. I'm Walden Schmidt.

Nice to meet you.
TC Randall.

You're the TC Randall?

Author of Throgwarten
Middle School Mysteries?

I-I've read all your books.

Really?

Yeah, I... Who hasn't?

Grown men.

Their loss. I mean, you're-you're
an amazing author.

Thank you.

Oh, you know, I do have
one question, though.

In-in book three,
the dragons inexplicably

lose their ability to breathe fire

when clearly, in book two,
the wizards gave them that ability.

Was that a setup for
book four or an oversight?

They're children's books.

Well, it says on the cover

they're for wizards, dragon
trainers and kids of all ages.

Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.

Um, the dragons lost
their ability to breathe fire

in the Caverns of Chaos.

Ah, come on, They didn't even go
to the Caverns of Chaos

until they solved the
mystery of the missing map.

All right, you know what?

When I wrote those books,
I was addicted to painkillers.

They make no sense, but they
make me a ton of money,

so cut me some slack.

Probably got the painkillers
from the pharmaceutical chick.

So, any luck so far?

No, not yet.

Oh, well, don't worry.
There are plenty of women here.

Well, how about them?

Um, Sarah's oil money.

Stephanie is a tobacco heiress,

and Amy had sex with a senator
and owns the video.

Oh, my God.

I don't care how,
I care how much.

Uh, no. The... woman
in the green dress.

I used to be
married to her.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I-I try to avoid
situations like this.

No. You know what?
It's fine. I'll...

I'll just go say hello.

Sure. What's the worst
that can happen?

She's already got
half your money.

Bridget?

Walden?

What are you doing here?

Just... drinking a beer,

losing faith in humanity,

planning to die alone.

(chuckles) I get it.
These people are awful.

The last guy I talked to
offered to give me a boob job.

A plastic surgeon?

Unfortunately, no.

So, you haven't met
anyone, either?

No. I'm actually thinking
about going next door.

The Goldberg Bar Mitzvah
seems like it's going off.

Mmm. Well, good luck to you.

I hope you find
what you're looking for.

(chuckles) So, did I find what
I was looking for?

Oh, yeah.

(sighs)

- So...
- Yeah.

That happened.

Twice.

Three for me.

- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.

The third time, I thought you were screaming
just 'cause I was on your hair.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

What does this mean?

It means
we both paid $1,000

to meet someone
we already slept with.

(chuckles)

Wait, you paid $1,000?

I paid $2,000.

Looks like you got screwed
a lot tonight.

The answer is...

I don't know
what it means.

- I just know it feels right.
- It does.

Which is odd
because we just did

a couple things that
were very, very wrong.

So, how do we make sure we don't end up
where we were before?

Well, that's...

Everything that happened
before was your fault,

so it's kind of up to you.

I'm a different person than
I was when we split up.

That's good.

'Cause towards the end, I felt more
like your mother than your wife.

Oh, you're a much better
kisser than my mom.

So are you.

Uh, the truth is...

I've grown up a lot since then.

I don't need anyone
to take care of me now.

So I don't have to check under
the bed for monsters anymore?

No, of course not.
Alan does that.

Does Alan do this?

Yes.

Well...

Uh, he does not do that.

(chuckles)

Can't believe you guys
are back together.

Walden and Bridget.
Bridget and Walden.

And Alan.

The... three musketeers.

Or three's a crowd.

Or three's company.

Or three strikes
and you're out.

Okay, okay. Just play nice.

Sorry.

So, uh, Bridget, uh...

after you and Walden broke up,

didn't you immediately
start dating his best friend

and business partner, Billy?

I did, but in
hindsight, I realize

it was just a pathetic
attempt to stay close to Walden.

You know what that's like,
don't you, Alan?

(Walden snorts, laughs)

All right, that was a good one.

What are you eating?

Oh. It's a bacon,
egg and cheese sandwich

with pancakes as the bread.

I call it a McWalden.

I call it a McBypass.

It has all
the basic food groups:

protein, dairy...

syrup.

If you don't eat properly,

your immune system
can't do its job.

I have had more colds this year.

See? I'm gonna pour you a glass

of fresh orange juice
to wash that down.

(whispering):
She's doing it again.

(whispering):
What?

Telling you what to do.

She just cares about me.

(meows, imitates whip cracking)
Shut up.

Here you go.

Okay, I think
you're all done with that.

Oh, um, actually,
I was not...

- Drink your juice.
- Okay.

And when you're done, I want you
to go upstairs and make your bed.

Mmm.

- But Berta does it.
- No buts.

Okay.

(whispers):
Run...

I'm so... glad that we
found each other again.

Me, too.

I want to try something.

Whatever it is, I am in.

It's pretty extreme.

Oh, yay!

Are you ready
to have your mind blown?

Among other things.

Let's... wait.

For what?

Let's not have sex tonight.

Let's wait.

I'm not sure
that I follow.

Imagine how much deeper

we could connect
on an emotional level

if we weren't prisoners
of our pelvis.

But I like that prison.

I just... I just don't
want to be in solitary.

I'm serious, Walden.

I want sex to be more
than just a physical release.

I want it
to be a special event.

Okay, are we talking
special event like...

Monday Night Football?

Or special event
like Halley's Comet?

I'll let you know.

But in the meantime,
there's other stuff we could do.

Oh, I like other stuff.

What do you have in mind?

We can cuddle.

Cuddle?

I think it would really
help us connect.

Let's try it.

Mmm.

See? Isn't this nice?

Mmm, mmm.

This is... so much better
than having nasty old sex.

Mm-hmm.

This is...

Mmm.

So, how do we know
when we're done?

(gasps)
There you are, Alan.

Come. Join us, please.

Oh, this can't be good.

So, uh...

what's going on?

Walden.

Um...

first, I would like to say

that I appreciate

what a great friend you are.

Thank you?

Uh, which (clears throat)
makes it hard for me...

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Bridget feels that...

(clears throat)
We feel...

that you living here
is no longer,

beneficial to the goals
of this household.

Buh-bye.

Fine, fine.

Let me just say one thing.

Okay, when you guys broke up
the first time,

it's because Bridget
thought you were a child.

Turns out she's the one
who keeps you a child

by controlling
everything you do.

Nuh-uh.

Mark my words.

Next, she'll start with holding sex.

You'll be like a dog
begging for a bone.

Or a dog with a bone.

Either way,
a bone will be involved.

Why is Zippy so upset?

Walden asked him
to move out.

(chuckles)
It's about time.

Hey, Berta?

Yeah?

Um, why don't
you have a seat?

Ah, crap.

Hi, sleepyhead.

Hi.

Isn't this nice?
Just the two of us?

I'm a little groggy.

What happened?

I have a little
surprise for you.

Oh.

What is it?

My balls?

No, sweetie.

My balls.

(screaming)

How'd it go with
your ex-wife?

It was a nightmare.

♪ Men. ♪

Uh, hello, future Alan Harper.

Uh, it's you from the past,

uh, outlining my goals
for the next 50 years.

Uh, I hope this finds you still

on this comfortable couch,

in this lovely beach house,

um, hopefully, uh, with Walden

or whoever moves in after him.

Nailed it.

What?

I-I said,

"Nailed it."

(stammering)

If you want coffee,
go make coffee!

Buffalo!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth