Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful - full transcript

This is where I sit.

Right on. Good location.

What else?

That's the sink.

If you put your thumb over the hole,
you can squirt water

all the way over to the other side
of the room.

Cool.

I'm not allowed to use the sink anymore.

Got it.

- So, what's the deal with your teacher?
- Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

That could work.



Did you see this drawing our son made?

It's a cry for his parents
to get back together.

Alan, it's Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

I know. Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

I can see you got your brother here.

Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about it,
but he can't say no to Jake.

And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle
was a bit of a freak.

Excuse me?

You wanted me to get him here.
He's here. The rest is up to you.

So, come on. You gonna introduce me?

- What for?
- She's your teacher.

You're my nephew. I feel like...
Come on, just do it.

Don't you want to see my model
of a California mission?

- It's made of sugar cubes.
- Okay.



First your mission, then mine.

May I have everyone's attention? Hello.

I'm Judith Harper, the class mom.

I just want to thank you all for coming.
This is a great turnout.

Give yourselves a hand.

I understand you teachers
are sadly underpaid.

That's very true.

I'd like to do my part.
Can I buy you dinner?

So please feel free to put your name
on the sign-up sheets

if you're available
for carpools, coaching, fieldtrips.

Charlie Harper.

Jake's uncle, mentor, pal.

And finally,
and this is a biggie, folks.

It looks as if we're
gonna have to cancel

our annual music show
for our fourth graders.

Unless someone with music experience
volunteers to help us out.

Anyone? Anyone at all?

- Charlie?
- Yeah.

Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone.

What?

Go ahead, say it.

You traitorous, rat bastard.

Good. You feel better?

You set me up. You lured me
into that classroom

with promises of donuts
and loose women.

I'm sorry. I honestly thought
there'd be donuts.

What about Miss Tuttle? The freak?

She's a married Christian missionary!

Okay, that I just lied about.

But it was for a good cause.
The kids really need you.

Yeah, but see, here's the problem.
I don't like kids.

- You like Jake.
- Jake's different. He's cool. He's our kid.

The rest of them.

- What other kids do you know?
- I see them.

Having tantrums in supermarkets,

screaming in movie theaters,
making everything sticky.

And the whole world gives them
a free ride just because they're cute.

Okay. Forget about the kids.
Do this for me and Judith.

Not really a big Judith fan, either.

Come on.
You'll write the music and lyrics.

Judith and I
will produce and direct. Together.

Hold on.

So you roped me into this
because you think

that the three of us collaborating
on a fourth-grade tribute

to the Industrial Revolution will somehow
lead to you getting back together

with your allegedly gay ex-wife?

It's easy to make anything
sound stupid, Charlie.

Look, we're still legally married.
Frankly, I don't buy the whole gay thing.

A gay woman would not fake orgasms
for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

Okay. Take off your seat belt.

- Why?
- Because when I slam on the brakes,

I want to watch you
go through the windshield.

Don't be silly. Do you know how fast
you'd have to be going to...

Hey, slow down.

Manpower, horsepower, coal and steam

Moving forward the American dream

Electric, atomic, solar, too

All this energy for me and you

- I want to like it.
- Yeah, want to like it.

- But?
- But I just don't think it's your best work.

It's not. Fire me, please.

Do you remember that show
that you and I did in college?

Stormy Weather? Sure.

- Now, those songs had a point of view.
- Yeah.

And you couldn't get them
out of your head.

Co-ed bathrooms, co-ed bathrooms

Wear your flip-flops
in the co-ed bathrooms

Stuff grows on the floor there

And whoops! There's another pubic hair

See? Maybe the easiest way to do this
is for us to write the actual song.

Yeah. Then Charlie could just toss in
the specific notes and stuff.

Yeah, Charlie, what do you think?

Okay,
then I guess it's just the two of us.

- Like the old days.
- Yeah. Except this time I'm not a virgin.

How come you're not
helping Mom and Dad with the show?

How can I put this?

Your uncle Charlie is a professional
musician, and your mom and dad...

Suck?

Good a word as any.

I think they're gonna get back together.

- You do?
- Yep.

Except if my Dad moves back
to Mom's house,

I probably wouldn't see you anymore.

Of course you'd see me. You'd still have
your room here, and I'd come visit.

- You never visited before.
- That's 'cause I didn't know you before.

That's 'cause you never visited.

Gin.

To tell you the truth, Jake,
I don't think this is gonna be an issue.

You don't think they're gonna
get back together?

- I didn't say that.
- Do you?

- Hey, what do I know?
- I think they are.

Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney

All aboard for Henry Ford

Henry Ford

And then...

Careful what you wish for, pal.

Charlie,
we're gonna be late for rehearsal.

- What are you doing?
- Making margaritas.

But we've got a rehearsal
at Jake's school.

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Charlie, you're taking liquor
to Jake's school?

You betcha.

I'm not gonna face all those pre-pubers
without a snootful.

They'll have limes
in the teacher's lounge, right?

No. There's no limes,
there's no swizzle sticks, there's...

- Oh, God.
- What?

It's from Judith's lawyers.

Really? Good news?

No, it's not good news.
Judith filed for divorce.

Man. I'm sorry.

What am I gonna do?

There's a lot of ways to respond
to something like this.

Anger, grief, denial.

What would you do?

I'd probably blow off rehearsal
and start chugging from the blender.

But I wouldn't recommend that
for an amateur.

I can't believe she blind-sided
me like this.

Being so nice and friendly to my face.

Meanwhile her lawyers were working
behind my face.

Let me tell you something, Charlie.

A woman who would do such a thing
cannot be trusted.

Yeah, well, maybe you can use
this divorce as a chance to

take a little break from each other.

No, that would be playing
right into her hands.

Alan, your kid's confused enough about
you and his mother. Don't make it worse.

How could I possibly make it any worse?

Let's find out.

Okay, everybody, what we're gonna do
is put the girls on one side

- and the boys on the other.
- Sure.

Start splitting them up early. That's
your answer for everything, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Would Mrs. Plaintiff please see
Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Watch the kids, we'll be right back.

Wait!

Jake? Where's Jake?

Okay. Everybody take five.

That means sit down.

Stand up.

Hop up and down.

Right on.

But why file for divorce?
We were getting along so well.

We've been getting along
because I don't feel trapped,

suffocated and depressed anymore.

Sure, kick me out,
then work on improving yourself.

Okay. Everybody flap your arms
like a chicken.

Alan, check it out.
I got this amazing power.

Stop.

It's like having my own robot army.

No, wait, where are you going?

- Are we gonna do our songs?
- Hey, I'm just the piano player.

Lerner and Lowe are out in the hallway
working things out.

- Who?
- Lerner and Lowe?

My Fair Lady? Camelot?

Aren't there any gay kids here?

- They're fighting again, aren't they?
- Yeah, what can I tell you.

Your Mom lawyered up
and your Dad is freaking out.

Stay cool,
I'll try to get them back in here.

Hey, everybody, Jake's in charge.
So, whatever he says.

Okay, it's been fun.

But I'm officially resigning
as the Mayor of Booger Town.

Not now, Charlie.

You know, I have tried everything I can
to make you happy.

I don't want to rush you or anything,
but have you ever read Lord of the Flies?

But you know what? You know what?
I'm through.

Maybe your lawyers can make you happy.

Your brother's a horse's ass.

Hey, let's not lose sight of who
the real victim of this divorce is.

Me!

Okay, I think we should all calm down
just a little.

You're not our teacher.
Why should we listen to you?

Okay, let me put it another way.

Shut up and sit down!

Thanks.

Now, listen, rehearsal's over.
You can all go home.

What about our play?

You know how they say,
"The show must go on"?

They weren't talking about this show.

- Your uncle's so lame.
- Is not. He's cool.

- Yeah, right.
- He is.

He's almost famous.
He wrote the Maple Loops song.

- Did not.
- Did, too!

- Prove it.
- You see that Jaguar in the parking lot?

Maple Loops.

That doesn't prove anything.

Fine.

It's got oats and corns and wheat

It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's maple-licious

- Everybody knows that?
- Of course. It's the Maple Loops song.

- Uncle Charlie, do Fudge Nuggets.
- Yeah! Fudge Nuggets!

From the magic chocolate mountain

In a secret chocolate mine

Come granny's big fudge nuggets

With a taste that's oh so fine

What do you know.
Maybe I don't hate kids.

Hi.

I'm sorry I didn't give you
a heads up about the divorce papers.

I'm sorry if I overreacted.

Just the girls.

- What's going on in there?
- I don't know.

Smell like a man

Stick, pump or can

With Dry Guy Deodorant

Only the girls get sweaty

We're getting there.

Okay, thank you, Charlie.

Yeah, we'll take it from here, okay?

Too late. You're out.

What about the songs we wrote?

Hey, kids, what do you think about
the songs they wrote?

They're bad.

These are my people.

What do your jingles have to do
with the Industrial Revolution?

Look, you wanted a show,
I'm giving you a show.

Now step back and let us work.

Plumber in a Jar.
Let's really sell it this time.

When your sink backs up
there's just one star

It's the one you trust
It's Plumber in a Jar

Plumber in a Jar

Hey, what you doing?

I'm trying to find some plausible
connection between my jingles

and the Industrial Revolution.

- What's up?
- I just talked to my dad.

He said that he and Mom
aren't getting back together again.

Yeah.

- How you doing with that?
- I'm not sure.

I like that I get to stay here
on weekends.

That's cool. I like that, too.

But you gotta be sad about your folks,
though, right?

No, I'm okay.

Jake,
it's okay to feel sad, I've been told.

- And this is a sad thing.
- My dad's not sad.

Of course he is.
He's just trying to protect you.

- From what?
- From being sad.

Yeah, I know it's a vicious circle.
But the liquor industry is built on it.

- What?
- It's not important.

All you need to know is that
we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay.

- Understand?
- Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

It's okay, Dad.

Before the Industrial Revolution,
we lived in an agrarian society.

Most people grew their own food and
ate what they grew. Breakfast involved...

...slaughtering animals...

...and milking cows.

It would be hundreds of years
before people could enjoy

a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast.
And what's in that breakfast?

It's got oats and corns and wheat

It's the sweetest breakfast treat

It's maple-licious

As urbanization led to stress and
loneliness, industrial society looked

to an ancient agrarian product for
a delicious and refreshing solution.

The girls look prettier
with Hammerstein beer

You like what you see
and you like what you hear

Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near

The girls look prettier

The girls look prettier
with Hammerstein beer

We're not letting him
anywhere near the Christmas pageant.

Agreed.

Even with the advent of indoor plumbing,

the Industrial Revolution
still had some bugs in the system.

What was man to do?

Three, four...

If your home is bug infested

Filled with spiders, flies, and gnats

All our sprays are safety tested

We kill vermin, not your cats