Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake - full transcript

I have my own room at Mom's house, too.

My dad doesn't.
His stuff's in the garage.

Do you know how to play Vampire Hunter?
'Cause I just got it.

No, sorry.

You got to chop off their heads.
Otherwise they'll keep coming at you.

Do you know where your uncle keeps
the paper towels?

I think there's some up there.

Hi. You must be Alan. I'm Cindy.

Hi.

- Hey, Jake, it's time to get dressed.
- Wait a minute.

Can you get me a bowl
from that top shelf?



Come on, let's go.

What happened to "Breakfast
is the most important meal of the day"?

Just go get dressed.

Charlie, there is a half-naked woman
in our kitchen.

Which half?

- Hey, Cindy.
- Hey, Charlie.

- How you doing?
- Not bad. How about yourself?

Pretty good. Thanks again.

- I'll see you soon.
- Anytime.

Bye.

"How you doing"? "Thanks again"?

Charlie, casual sex is one thing,
but this is just lazy.

What are you talking about?
I didn't have sex with her.

She just surfs out on the Point,
uses my shower and goes to work.



So you're not sleeping with her?

Jeez, Alan, I don't sleep with every
buff surfer chick that uses my shower.

What kind of guy do you think I am?

I think you're the luckiest bastard
to walk the face of the earth, but,

that's not my point. I don't want women
flashing their butt tattoos at my son.

- Cindy has a tattoo?
- Yes, a butterfly.

Right cheek or left?
No, wait, don't tell me.

I want to be surprised.

So you're not sleeping with her,
but you want to.

Yeah.

What kind of guy do you think I am?

When I moved in here,
I said it was vital that we create

a wholesome atmosphere for Jake.
And you said, "I understand. "

Alan, there's something
you should know about me.

When I say I understand,
it doesn't mean I agree.

It doesn't mean I understand.
It doesn't even mean I'm listening.

Then why do you say it?

It seems to make people happy,
and that's what I'm all about.

That's very altruistic, but I would prefer
if you'd just be straight with me.

- Fine.
- All I'm asking is that you keep in mind

that we have an impressionable
10-year-old boy living here.

- I understand.
- Thank you.

- That sounds nice.
- Thanks.

So where are Jake and Alan today?

Jake's at school and Alan's at work.

It's just you and me.

Tell them I said hi.
Thanks again for the shower.

You bet. You look really nice.

Thank you. Bye.

Yeah, I got work to do.

Charlie, seeing you strike out
like that just makes me love you more.

Rose, you've got to get a hobby.

I've got a hobby.

- I thought we agreed we were just friends.
- We are.

We're friends who slept together once

and then one friend never called
the other friend,

but luckily,
the other friend forgave him.

Where are you going?

To make my friend
a grilled cheese sandwich.

Rose, I don't want
a grilled cheese sandwich.

Would you prefer a quesadilla?

That sounds nice.

But then you have to leave.

Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.

I know where Alan is.
I came to talk to you.

- Me? But you don't like me.
- I don't.

I like you.

Jake's fourth grade class
was given a simple assignment.

Draw something interesting
you see around the house.

One child drew a record player,
another drew a parrot.

My son drew this.

A woman's behind with
a butterfly tattoo.

On the right cheek.

I'll have to just act surprised.

I asked him where he saw this.
He said, "In Uncle Charlie's kitchen. "

You gotta admit,
it beats the hell out of a parrot.

Charlie, I am not in the mood.

- Hold that thought.
- I got it.

Hello.

Are you in for your mother?

Charlie's in a meeting right now.
But you can talk to me.

Heck,
I feel like we're practically related.

- Is that the girl in the picture?
- Rose?

No.
She doesn't have a tattoo on her butt.

I'm guessing.

Look, I don't care what you do
in your private time,

but when my son is here,
I expect you to clean up your act.

- I understand.
- I don't like coming over here

and being the bad guy,
but I have to protect my son.

I understand.

It's hard enough going through
this transition all by myself.

Alan at least has you, I have no one.

Except my parents,
and they're completely toxic.

I understand.

Do you?

I think I do.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

I mean, I've always been
the good daughter or the good wife.

And you know what?

Outside of those relationships,
I don't know who I am.

Am I gay, am I straight?
Who the hell knows?

I'm scared about this, Charlie,
and I'm totally alone.

You know what?

I understand.

Thank you for listening.

Hey.

I'm so sorry to take up your time
with all of this.

Hey.

I understand.

- Thank you, Charlie.
- You're welcome.

There's five minutes of my life
I'll never get back.

Don't fill up. Your mom's taking us
out for lunch.

Hey. Where have you been?

I just had lunch with my mother
and my stalker.

They spent the afternoon eating off
each other's plates

and discussing my fear of intimacy.

You do have that, you know.

Anyway, look, can we talk
about this picture Jake drew?

What's to talk about? He's a boy.
He saw a woman's ass. He liked it.

Thank your lucky stars it
wasn't the cable guy's ass, and move on.

Hey, Dad. Where's Cankun?

Canc?n?

No, it's spelled Cankun.

It's in Mexico. Why?

We should go there for Christmas
instead of Aunt Betty's.

- What are you reading?
- Sports Illustrated.

But it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Jake. Come back here.

Are you happy?

I have my moments,
but they're becoming further apart.

- Jake, sit down.
- Am I in trouble?

No. It's perfectly natural for you
to be interested in women's bodies.

- Great. I'll be in my room.
- Wait.

Let's talk a minute here.

I don't mind you
looking at these pictures,

but it's important
that you know what they mean.

I'd like to know that, too, Alan.

Okay. First of all,
real women don't look like this.

These pictures have been retouched
and airbrushed

so that the women look like
they're perfect. But they're really not.

Excuse me, but I met that one,
and she was perfect.

What I'm trying to explain to Jake

is that this is not
what regular women look like.

Then why don't they use regular women?

Because the only way regular women
can sell magazines is door-to-door.

My point is that these women
are three-dimensional human beings.

They're not just sex objects.

Which explains why this one's
on all fours in the surf.

- Are you quite done?
- No. I think you're being very unfair.

These women worked very hard,
ate very little,

and spent a lot of money
to become sex objects.

Those breasts alone cost $10,000.

You can buy these?

Thank you, Charlie.

Some women choose

to make their breasts larger

with what's called surgical implants.

- Why?
- They think bigger is better.

I can see that.

What really matters, Jake,
is what's inside a person.

See, that's the lesson here.
Do you get what I'm saying?

- I think so.
- You're sure?

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I mean...

Do you have any questions?

- Just one.
- Fire away.

Can I have my magazine back?

Congratulations, Alan.

You've managed to take the fun
out of boobs.

Hello. Hi, Judith.

Yeah, I'm so glad you called. I just...
What?

She wants to talk to you.

- Why does my wife want to talk to you?
- I don't know.

Hey, Judith. What's up?

I understand.

What do you understand?

Not a thing.

I understand.

What's she saying?

Hang on, Judith. That's my other line.

She's upset because her parents want
to take Jake to SeaWorld.

She feels like this is
crossing a boundary

since they've been
so unsupportive recently.

And she's not sure
if her anger is misplaced.

Since when are you her new best friend?

I don't know.
Something's gone horribly wrong.

Sorry, you were saying?

I understand.

You're the coolest. Love, Cindy.

Are you sure
your nephew's gonna like this?

Who says it's for my nephew?

- You're really cute.
- Good.

I'm sorry there's no waves.

Yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna get
my exercise today.

It's a puzzler.

Why don't you open up another
bottle of wine

- and we'll figure something out.
- Okay.

I'm sorry to just drop by,
but I had to talk to somebody.

I just left Jake with my parents
so they could take him to San Diego,

and I got in this terrible argument
with my father.

He thinks it's my fault
that Alan and I are breaking up,

and he knows exactly
how to push my buttons.

The question is
why do I need his approval?

Why do I need approval from any man?

I understand.

Charlie, how could you
possibly understand?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you had company.

No, we were just hanging out. I'm Cindy.

- Hi. Judith.
- Hi.

I've spent the better part of my life
trying to win my father's approval.

- You, too?
- Yeah, I almost married a guy

- just 'cause my father liked him.
- I married a guy just like my father.

- Disaster, right?
- It's his brother.

I met him. He's pretty tightly wound.

- He is.
- Yeah.

- Do you want some wine?
- I want a lot of wine.

Yeah.

You know it's so funny
about relationships and men.

- You just wonder all the time.
- Always.

I do not understand.

Morning, neighbor.

- Charlie's not up yet, Rose.
- Oh, Alan,

don't you think I know that?

I brought a Frisbee for your son.
It's a Glow-in-the-Dark Pro model.

- There are teeth marks in it.
- They're not mine.

Actually, Jake's in San Diego
with his mom's parents.

Boy, that hardly seems fair.

Evelyn never gets any quality time
with him.

- Evelyn?
- Your mom.

I know her name.

But do you know how much
she loves you,

and would appreciate a call
once in a while?

Hi, Alan. Shower open?

- Yeah. Help yourself.
- Hi, Alan.

Judith? What are you doing here?

Cindy's teaching me to surf.
She says I'm a natural.

'Cause she's got
the upper body strength for it.

Nothing like yours.

You will.
You just gotta build up your lats.

Wow! They're so firm.

Come on. I'll show you some exercises
before we hit the shower.

So, when's Charlie getting up?

In about nine seconds.

Wake up!

What? I was having a great dream.

Your girlfriend and my wife.
Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.

Okay. This might be better.

Charlie, you've got to do something.

- You're right.
- Yeah.

Charlie, what are you gonna do?

What do you think? I just woke up.

Come on. They could
be lathering each other up right now!

Alan,
you're not helping this go any faster.

I can't believe this is going on under
my own roof. Well, under your roof.

God knows what's going on under my roof.

- You know, there is good news here.
- Really? What's that?

Now we know why
I never got anywhere with Cindy.

Hello? Me?

Okay, listen.

What do we really know here?

Your wife has taken up surfing.

We're good so far, right?

She made a new friend. Still good?

Yeah, I guess.

Do we know for a fact
that they're showering together?

- No.
- Okay.

So what do we know for sure
about Cindy and Judith?

Cindy's not interested in you,
and Judith thinks she's gay.

There you go.

And I got to see penguins
and a manta ray.

And I got to pet a shark.
And the coolest thing was the whales.

They splashed everybody.

You could see right through
this one lady's shirt.

And I think maybe she had plants.

Implants.

Yeah. Implants.

I asked Grandma if she had them,
and Grandpa said, "I wish. "

And then she got mad at him
and then they bought me ice cream.

So you had a good trip?

Yeah. When I got home,
I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.

Wait. You, Mom and Cindy?

There you go.

- She's gonna teach me to surf.
- Of course she is.

She's not gonna be happy
until the whole damn family surfs.

Why don't we give her
Aunt Betty's number?

Squeeze that fat ass into a wet suit.

Here, Jake. Take your pizza
and go watch TV in your room.

Dad said "fat ass. "

You've seen Aunt Betty.
It's not swearing if it's true. Now go.

She gets all bent out of shape
when Cindy

is prancing around here
with her butterfly butt sticking out.

But all of a sudden it's okay,
'cause the butt is on the other foot.

Alan, chill out, buddy.

No! This is the worst kind of hypocrisy
and it will not stand.

Forgive me, Alan,
but that self-righteous attitude

is a big part of what drove Judith away
in the first place.

What? Where did you get...
Where? Did she tell you that?

Hey,
girlfriends tell each other everything.

Don't look at me like that.

Listen, if she really is gay, then
there's nothing you can do about it.

Except maybe try and figure out why
a lesbian married you in the first place.

But if she's just experimenting

and you act all loving and supportive,

then maybe she comes back
to the home team.

Or maybe I could find it in my heart
to actually be loving and supportive.

Sure, if you want to reinvent the wheel.

Hey. You know, I would've been more
than happy to drop Jake to your house.

No problem. This worked out great.

I've been surfing all day with Cindy
and we just had a bite to eat.

Isn't that nice.
Listen, are you in a hurry?

Because there's something I wanted
to talk to you about.

No, I guess not. What's up?

I just wanted to let you know that

I'm okay with this. More than okay.

I understand, love and respect you
for your courage

to explore things.

Thank you.
I'm really starting to enjoy it.

And I support that.

Yeah, I've only done it
on my knees so far,

but Cindy says I'm almost ready
to try it standing up.

You know what?
I don't need to hear the details.

The more important thing
is that I accept

you and Cindy as lovers.
And more power to you, sister.

You pompous, assuming bastard.

You think I'm sleeping with her?

No.

I just got out of a 12-year marriage
and you think I would jump

into bed with someone I just met?
Man or woman?

- No.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.

- I am.
- Two women become friends,

and you jump to the conclusion
they're having sex!

Where do you get that kind
of sleazy thinking?

The jogger. The one on the left.

Real?

Good eye.

With the sports bra,
that could have gone either way.

Of course, if they do go either way,
they're usually fake.

Jake, honey, get your stuff,
we're going home.

- Okay. See you, Uncle Charlie.
- See you, buddy. Hey, girlfriend.

Don't "girlfriend" me,
you shallow piece of crap.

Fake.

Real.

Jake!

Who does she think she's kidding
with those things?

Jake, I swear, if you don't stop it,
I'm taking you home.

I understand.