Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - Phase One, Complete - full transcript

- Charlie.
- Come on.

That tickles!

- Uncle Charlie?
- Not now, Jake.

I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song
you wrote on TV.

Great.

Great.

- Jake, I'm not alone in here.
- No way.

Way.

- Who's in there?
- A friend of mine.

- Is it a girl?
- Hold on.

Oh, yeah.



Is it Janet?

No.

It's my friend Wendy.
Say hi to Jake, Wendy.

Hi, Jake. You sing really well.

I have to go. This is embarrassing.

- I like that you didn't lie to him.
- I try to be honest.

It's a good quality. So, who's Janet?

You want a cup of coffee before you go?

No, you've got work to do.
I should probably get going.

Charlie, there's French toast left.

No, thanks. You met Wendy, right?

Sure. French toast, Wendy?

No, thank you.
I should really get going.

You know, I can sing
all of Uncle Charlie's jingles.



No kidding?
You're gonna have to show me sometime.

- That's wonderful.
- Wendy's gotta go, Jake.

Jake! Take five, buddy.

Copasetic. That means okay.

When he moved in here,
he was saying "swell. "

Charlie, I've gotta go to my office
for a couple of hours.

- Are you okay to watch Jake?
- No problem.

Swell.

Will you take me Rollerblading,
Uncle Charlie?

- I can't, buddy. I got work to do.
- What am I gonna do all day?

It's really nice outside.
Why don't you wash my car?

No, I wanna go Rollerblading.

I could take him.
I've got my blades right in the car.

- Really?
- If it's okay with your father.

- That sounds swell.
- I'll go get my blades.

And if you want, I can go pick up lunch
and bring it back and we can have a picnic.

Yeah. Swell.

Nice girl. Is it serious?

It is now, you dumb-ass.

Finish your jingle?

How can I work?

First, Wendy took Jake Rollerblading.
Then she took him to the movies.

Now she's in the kitchen,
making us all dinner.

That bitch.

Don't you get it?

She's using your kid
to turn a nice, casual relationship

into a relationship.

Okay, now I get
where you're coming from.

- Thank you.
- You're paranoid and you're nuts.

Perfect timing. Dinner's ready.

Did you see that?

She's wearing an apron.

In my house!

Do you know what that means?

I'm gonna stick with paranoid
and nuts, Bob.

Are you sure that you don't want me
to stay and do the dishes?

Positive. Alan would just re-wash
them anyways.

- I guess I should probably get going.
- Yeah, I guess.

Good, you're still here.
Jake wants to say good night.

Wow, he's such a sweetie.
Don't you just want to eat him up?

If that would stop him, yes.

I gotta tell you, Charlie.
I think that girl's a keeper.

- You think so?
- Yeah, she's smart,

she's pretty,
and I think she really likes you.

Be honest, Alan.
You married the first girl

who slipped you the tongue, didn't you?

- No.
- Trust me,

this woman has a plan.

And it's diabolical
in its Machiavellian scope.

I did not marry the first girl
who slipped me the tongue.

I'm telling you, she's got her foot
in the door and she will never leave.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Diabolical!

- Okay. So, I'll give you a call?
- Yeah. That'd be great. Okay.

It's pretty dark out.

Maybe you should go in the morning.

Yeah, I guess I could.

Are you seeing this?

Howdy, neighbor.

Charlie's busy right now, Rose.

I know. White Toyota hasn't
budged an inch two nights in a row.

I chalked her tires.

You do know there's a stairway
right over there?

Of course.

Did you know
there's a crawl space under the house

that comes right up into your bedroom?

- So, what are you doing?
- I'm playing computer Scrabble.

All by yourself? That's so sad.

I used to play with my wife every night,
and I guess I miss it.

You and I have a lot in common,
don't we?

How so?

We're both like two lonely socks that want
desperately to keep someone's feet warm.

But we don't match up
with any other socks.

So all we can hope for
is to be a dust mitten,

or a hand puppet.

That's very insightful.

And disturbing.

You're not thinking you and me, are you?

That's very flattering, but...

Wendy?

"Dear Charlie,
thanks for a wonderful night.

"Sweet. Special. See you soon. "

Freedom!

I'm free, I'm so free

All right, you had sex last night.
You don't have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.

It's better than that.
I had sex and I woke up alone.

If there were pancakes on my night table,
it would be the perfect morning.

What happened to Wendy's diabolical,
Machiavellian scheme to never leave?

I don't know.
I must have foiled it somehow.

Guess what? Grandma's here!

Let's see that little dance again.

When I was pregnant with Charlie,
we thought he was gonna be a girl.

The sonogram showed
no discernible penis whatsoever.

Now do you believe me?

First she sucks in Jake, then you,
now Mom.

She's like one of those pods
from outer space.

But, you know, with a cute ass.

She wouldn't even be here now if
you hadn't taken her upstairs last night.

That was not my fault.
You saw how she kissed me.

I had to take her upstairs.

And remember what I said.
Hook him on the milk, he'll buy the cow.

Charlie, where have you been
hiding this girl?

She's an absolute delight!

Yeah, she's swell.

- Good morning, Charlie.
- Good morning.

I read somewhere you had left.

I was on my way out the door,
and then I ran into your mom,

and then we started talking,
and, you know.

Yeah, I know.

So what brings you here, Mom?

- Do I need a reason?
- I'd like one.

I'm showing a house in Malibu.
I thought I'd swing by

and take my grandson out for pancakes.

Charlie wants his on his night table.

I'm ready. You coming, Dad?

Are you kidding?
I want to hear more about that sonogram.

Good. Are you and Wendy
joining us, Charlie?

Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do.
Right, Wendy?

I can always make time for pancakes.

Wonderful. A family breakfast.

Go put on some pants, Charlie.

- But, Mom, I...
- Now.

You have to be firm with him.

By the way, your nose is adorable.

- Thank you.
- I'm guessing Dr. Shapiro?

No, it's mine.

Sometimes God does good work, too.

Jake, get your stuff together,
we gotta get you back to your mom's.

Already? But we're playing.

Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake.

Okay. I pulled your car around.

If you leave now, I think you'll
miss all the weekend traffic.

Don't you worry, Charlie, I'm leaving.

I'm not worried. I just moved your
car so Alan can get out.

I can get out.

Yes, Alan. Now you can.

Thank you for a great weekend.

No, thank you.

- Jake, bye.
- Bye.

- Alan, I'll see you soon.
- Bye.

I gotta tell you, Charlie,
I think she's really...

Okay. What?

I'm just saying,
I think she's really great.

Me, too. When's she coming back?

Let's see. Today's Sunday, so... Never.

Why not?

Buddy, she wants something different
in a relationship

than your uncle Charlie does.

- What does she want?
- Uncle Charlie.

- What do you want?
- Uncle Charlie.

And we both can't have me.

- I don't understand.
- It's very simple, buddy.

Uncle Charlie is nuts.

Yeah, nuts like a fox.

So then Wendy can't take me
Rollerblading anymore?

- Nope.
- No more movies?

Afraid not.

Boy, you suck.

Suck? How do I suck?

Like a fox.

There he is! Let the party begin!

Shaking Jake! Notorious J-A-K-E!

Jake, he won't stop until you say hello.

Jakety-Jake-Jake!

Hello.

How was school this week?
We missed you around here.

- It was just school.
- Yeah, I heard that. "Just school. "

Right on.

I don't believe it.
He's still mad about the Wendy thing.

Charlie, it's only been a week.

I'm still mad that you peed
in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.

Not much of a jamboree for you, was it?

Okay, I'm sorry about the canteen.

Now will you please make your son
like me again?

How would I do that, Charlie?
And by the way, was that so hard?

Explain to him that Wendy
was working an angle,

making friends with him to get to me.

Do you really want me
to tell a 10-year-old boy

that somebody he cares about
was pretending to like him?

What kind of lesson is that?

He lives in LA.
He might as well learn now.

Just give him some time.
He'll get over it.

- Can I come in?
- It's your house.

- Well, it's your house, too.
- Then, no.

Okay.

You know what? It is my house.

Look, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing,
but there's nothing I can do about it.

And I want us to be buddies again.
I don't want you to hate me anymore.

- I don't hate you.
- Good.

I'm just very disappointed in you.

I get enough of that crap from
my mother.

So what's it gonna take?
Cash? Video games?

I don't want stuff.

I got plenty of stuff
when my mom and dad broke up.

Dude, this isn't the same thing.

What's the difference? You liked Wendy,
then you didn't like her,

and no one cares what I want.

Jake, buddy. Come here.

Come here.

Sit down.

It's not that I don't care
what you want.

It's just that you're a kid.
And what you want doesn't matter.

Wow, I do suck.

H- A-T.

Hat.

That's it? All this time for "hat"?

Let me see your tiles.

See. You had "hateful. "

See, it would have fit right here,
off the "A" in my "quotidian. "

Wow, how did you see that?

I have Scrabble eyes. It's a gift.

And sometimes a curse.

Alan, Jake won't play with me.

Well, I can't play with you either,
Charlie. I am "occupied. "

You played "pie" at your own peril,
my friend.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, Rose.

Alan, come here.

Your move.

What?

- What are you doing with Rose?
- I'm teaching her to play Scrabble.

- Alan, you are so naive!
- "Naive," eight points.

What?

Sorry. I'm in my game head.

Alan, Rose is using you to get to me.

Do you hear the rampant egotism,

"rampant," 11 points, "egotism," 10,

coming out of your mouth?

- I'm just saying...
- Not everybody is trying to get to you.

The only thing that's going on here

is two lonely people
playing a game of Scrabble.

Please tell me you're not thinking
about you and Rose?

Me and Rose?

Let's see.

One Russian blonde.

One Scottish brunette.

And a full-bodied redhead
from Napa Valley.

Charlie's angels.

- Sorry. Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm grocery shopping.

Here? In my supermarket?

So this is just a coincidence?

Well, it's not entirely.
I eat food, and I live two blocks away.

Come on, Wendy. We both know that...

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.

Dave, this is Charlie. Charlie, Dave.

Dave, we need a Duraflame log.

Okay.

- Who's that? Your brother?
- No, he's...

Look, Charlie, I know
I probably should've given you a call,

but I thought that after last weekend,
it was pretty clear,

it wasn't gonna work out
between you and me.

What?

I was happy to entertain
your nephew for a while.

I mean, he's a great kid,
but who's got the energy?

And your mother,
she's been calling me all week.

She wants to go to a spinning class
with me. What is up with that?

I thought you two hit it off.

I'm from the Midwest.
I was being polite.

What did you think was going on?

That.

- So, no hard feelings?
- No, of course not.

So you and Dave, how serious is that?

Goodbye, Charlie.

You know,
you're breaking a little boy's heart.

You see, my relationships with women,
they come and go.

But you and me, we're family.

That's solid.
That's forever. You with me?

I think so.

Maybe I shouldn't be laying this on you,
because you're 10.

But I'm beginning to realize

I might not be the guy I thought
everybody thought I was.

Yeah, it's a mind blower, isn't it?

You see, the problem isn't with
who I go out with.

The problem is with me.

Your Uncle Charlie
has major trust issues with women.

And I think it might have something to
do with my relationship with my mom.

I understand.

Do you?

No, I'm just tired and
I don't care anymore.

So, we're cool?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Uncle Charlie?
- Yeah.

Does this mean you don't have
nuts like a fox?

Yeah.

That's what it means.

Don't look at my tiles, Alan.

Scrabble eyes, my sweet patootie.
He's a tile peeker.

Rose, listen.
I think I owe you an apology.

You mean for seducing me
with your roguish charms

and then dumping me
like a bag of old doorknobs?

That, and more recently...

I told Alan that you were being nice
to him just to get close to me.

And I've come to realize
that's my own paranoia about women

trying to manipulate me. And I'm sorry
that I projected that on you.

Come here, you big silly.

- I forgive you.
- Really?

Thank you.

Okay. I gotta go. Your brother
is out of control with that egg timer.

You think maybe I could play
with you guys?

It's fine with me.
Go ask Mr. That's-not-a-word.

Thanks.

And again, I'm sorry.

I'll be right there.

Phase 1, complete.