Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 9, Episode 5 - Shagger - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

- You all right, my Billy big baws?
- Yeah. I'm just a bit shagged.

Why?

Cos of all our shagging.

(GIGGLES) We've been at it like rabbits,
haven't we?

- Yeah.
- S&M rabbits.



Yeah.

S&M rabbits who like to
stick kitchen utensils up theirjacksies.

Yeah.

That potato-masher might have been
a bit much, though.

Now me farts smell like King Edwards.

Right, I'm ready for round two.

Get your trousers off and a stonker on.

Cassie, please.
I can't manage any more sex.

Feels like you've been at me cock
with the meat-tenderiser.

That's cos I have.

I'm exhausted.

I don't want this
interfering with me footie.

I've got to focus on me tackling,
not me tackle.

Heading skills, not getting head.



And my dribbling, not your dribbling.

Billy... you know
all the other players' girlfriends?

Well, they're all really glamorous,
aren't they?

Well, doesn't it bother you
that I'm not like that?

Those WAGs smell like Paco Rabanne.

And they never wear
the same pair of jeans twice.

I haven't washed these since 2008,

and even then, I found them
on the pavement outside Scope.

But you've got your own style.

A charity-shop-robbing style...

Anyway, I'd better get to training.

Hey, don't you want to eat your eggs?
Keep your strength up.

Cassie, did you make these eggs with
the whisk you shoved up me arse?

Maybe...

I might just have some toast.

Well, today's the day, Donna.

I, Gaz Wilkinson, am going to walk again.

I can... I can feel it in me bones.

Not the ones in me legs, of course,
but me other bones.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

(TELEVISION COMES ON)

Right, I-I just think
you need to do more to walk again

than say, "I'm going to walk again,"

and then watch endless repeats
of Murder, She Wrote.

It's that Jessica Fletcher.
I can't get enough of her!

Should be called Fanny, She Wrote.

Or Murder, She...

Fanny...

Orjust Fanny, Fanny, Fanny.

You need to be more proactive
to walk, Gaz.

The physio said everything's fine.
It might even be psychological.

You just need to find the motivation.

Is there something that can make you
get out of that chair?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

It's like something out of
a filthy Generation Game.

You know, it's probably something that
Jim Davidson actually suggested.

If anything's going to get me out of
this chair, it's ultra-hard-core porn.

Here we go.

- It's not working!
- Go on, Gaz, go on.

Turn that page and see what that guy's
doing to those blonde twins, eh?

- Only you can make it happen.
- Yes. Yes, I can make it happen.

Oh, shit!

It's falling! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh...

You were so close, Gaz.

I think I'd be more motivated if you just
did what the twins were doing, yourself.

I can't get my legs that high,

and we don't have a butter churn
or a curious goat!

I could really do with a break
from all this.

Fine. Why don't you just
go and see your mates?

See my mates? (SHOUTS) Hah!

Sorry, that was a bit dramatic, wasn't it?
It's just...

...I don't really have any mates.

I miss having a girl to talk to.

You know, about girlie stuff
that might be happening right now.

Oh? And you can't talk to me

- about girlie things?
- Tampons!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

You know I have nightmares
about them things.

Well, I'm going to go out
and get myself a new friend.

Donna, friends aren't like toilet paper.

You can't just pop out and get some more
when you run out.

Not that you do that with bog roll.

I had to use a copy of Heat the other day!

It's weird wiping me arse
on Paris Hilton's face.

You're not the first.

I just know there's somebody out there
who'd be my pal.

Somebody who'd understand the real me.

Somebody who'd listen to
all my womanly woes and worries

and tell me, "It'll be all right," and...

Did you get any of that(?)

Yeah, course.

What did I say?

Summat about tampons.

Morning, campers. What a beautiful day!

Oh, Gaz, I heard how well
you were doing in physio.

Are you using that pint
as a motivation to walk?

No, Cassie won't hand it to me.

I love seeing people struggle.

That's why I've glued Arthur to the table.

You seem in a good mood, Tim.

I found an exciting new way to locate
potential suitors in the area.

You've put your phone number
on the toilet wall again?

No, I've never done that!

Oh, no, I did that. Thought it might
give you a hand. Or a hand job. Whoo!

I meant I popped down
to the Carphone Warehouse

and bought myself what's known as

a smartphone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Einstein!

There's a warehouse for car phones?

Yeah.

Apparently, this smartphone can download
apps, which is short for "applications".

You're a dickhead, which is short for
"man with a dick on his head".

Anyway, there's an app here
which will help me locate local gay men.

This is my chance to form a real spiritual
connection with a kindred spirit.

Oh, what's it called?

Shagger.

That sounds filthy.

Is there a straight version of it?

I'm sure it's not as dubious as it sounds.

I've already met a friendly sort.

He sent me a message. It said, "Hey!"

(MESSAGE BLEEP)

Oh! Oh, he's sent me a photo.

Oh, my God!

Oh, he looks very friendly...

and engorged.

Oh, that's disgusting!

I can't even look at it.
That's disgusting!

It's disgusting!

Oh. How do you save photos on this thing?

So where's Billy the Stud, then?

He's gone to football training.
Look, Gaz, you and Billy are mates.

I'm just a bit worried.

He acted differently with me earlier.
I don't know if I've done something wrong.

Oh, that's given me an idea. Maybe
football can get me walking again.

I'm sure your problem
will sort itself out, love.

Did you even hear what it was?

Yeah, course. Summat about tampons.

Billy!

- What was that?!
- Gaz! You've come to support me!

Actually, I've come because...
Well, football's the thing I miss most

and I thought if I watched you
play my beloved game

I'd want to get out of this pissing chair.

Feel free to, "Go on, Billy, lad,
get in there, son!"

Go on, Billy, get in there, son.

Anyway, I'd better...

Billy! Billy.

- You're really good at football, right?
- Yeah?

Yeah. Why are you playing
like complete shite?

OK, look...
you know I've been seeing Cassie.

Well, she is really into me.

And, well,
she's kind of got a big appetite.

Oh, I get it. Eating all your food,
depriving you of your vital nourishment.

No, she's got an appetite for sex.
She wants to do it all the time.

You just won the Lottery, my friend.

No, you don't understand.

I'm always like this.

As long as I'm scoring off the pitch,
I can never score on it.

Yeah, I was like that
when I was a mechanic, you know.

You were crap at fixing cars
after you'd had sex?

Oh, no, during.

Yeah, man, trying to change a fan belt
was a right bastard.

It's time I took a stand.

If it's affecting me footie,
there's only one thing for it.

Yeah, I've got to call it off with Cassie.

I admire your dedication, Billy,

but you're turning down regular sex,
you thick twat.

GAZ: That's it!

Oh, man, come on now, pass!

Quicker! What was that?!

Go on, babe, try and kick it back.

OK.

All right. I can do this.

Go on, babe!

All right, Gaz, this is it,
this is your moment.

Come on! Beckham, eat your heart out.
Let's go. Here we go.

Bollocks!

What can I get you, Donna?

Friends. That's all I need. Just friends.

You could buy a drink too. I'm running
a business here, not a drop-in centre.

Seriously, Tim... since Janet and Louise
left, I've got no-one.

We used to be a three, now I'm a one.

I feel like that singer
out of the Sugababes.

The original one left
and swapped with that other girl,

then the moody one left
so the Scouse one could come back.

I can't keep up with them.

I'm sure you don't need to look too hard
for a best friend.

I think you've already found that person.

Someone who works behind a bar.

A loveable custodian
with a devil-may-care smile.

Who's speaking to you at this very moment.

Me, you gormless bint! Me!

Oh, that's... that's really sweet, Tim,
but... I need a female friend.

I've got womanly matters to discuss.

Well, I don't mind
talking about that stuff.

OK, well, usually when I have my period...

Ohhh!

Oof! Oh, now I feel nauseous.

Right, I definitely need a girlie pal.

Hey, I could talk to Cassie!
She technically qualifies as a woman.

Well, yes, in the same way that
Victoria Beckham qualifies as a singer.

Mm.

So, anyway, how's it going
looking for a male lover on your...

What is it again?

App. It's short for application.

Chuffin' hell!

And I've given up on that thing.

It's nothing but a disgusting den
of perverts flashing their private parts.

I've literally been on there for hours...

being disgusted.

I'm never going to find a nice man
in Runcorn, they're all animals.

Don't say that. Well,
when the right guy turns up, you'll know.

Hiya, can I get a gin and tonic?

Looks like the right guy
might have just turned up.

I see what you mean.

Excuse me one moment.

Hello there.

Are you all right, Gaz?
Hey, you've got mud on your face.

Yes, I know, I fell on it.

It might not be mud.

Hey, go on, Billy!

Kick some arse!

(GIGGLING)

Intimidating, aren't they?

Fit and shaggable, but intimidating.

Do you actually think they're sexy?

Yeah.

And you like the way they dress?

Yeah.

They look like cheap whores.

Yeah.

He's gorgeous.

He's like an angel.

- Go and talk to him.
- I don't even know that he's gay!

I'll find out...
using subtle detective work.

Hi there.

Are you gay?

Yes.

Good for you. Keep chasing that rainbow.

Action stations, Timothy, he's a paid-up
member of the brotherhood. Go on.

I can't! What if he's another dirty perv,
like those Shagger men?

Then it's your lucky day. You've got to
seize the moment - carpe penis.

He's coming. Talk to him, you'll be fine.
Go on.

Hey.

Hey?

Oh, I know how this goes.

It starts with a "hey",
then you're flashing your wing-wang at me.

Excuse me?

What's wrong with you, hm? Pervert!

What are you into?
Fisting? Rimming? Shrimping?

Sorry, have I said something wrong?

You're all the same - only interested
in the contents of my underpants.

Well, there's nothing in there.

Well, I mean nothing for you. Do you think
I'm some sort of sex obsessive?

It kind of sounds like you are.

Er, yeah... Well, you wish!

Sorry to disappoint you, but you're not
getting what you want from me.

I just want a drink.

And to say hey.

Oh!

Oh, right. Oh!

Hey!

Heh.

(SOFTLY) I think it's going very well.

God, I played like crap.

I might as well be in the England squad!

Look, I don't think you should
come and watch me play any more, Cassie.

I know what this is about.

You're ashamed of me.

No!

Look, I don't want to
have to do this, but...

...maybe we should take a break
for a while.

Take a break?

We've been shagging less than a week!

But we've done it, like, a thousand times.

34 and a half, actually.

We got kicked out of the church
halfway through.

We probably should have waited
till after that funeral.

I'm sorry, Cassie,

but I've got to focus on me football.

Go on, then. You leave.

You walk out that door.
Let's just see if you do it.

OK, bye.

He did it.

Hi, Cassie!

Mate.

What d'you want?

Well, I just thought that we could have
a friendly chat, like comrades.

Sisters. Amigos, if you will.

I won't.

Seriously, Cassie, if something's
bothering you, you can talk to me.

It's just Billy.

There's all these glammed-up tarts
go to watch him play football

and I know he prefers
girls like that to me.

Well, then, you know what you've gotta do.

You've gotta fight fire with fire.

Yeah!

I'll get some petrol
and torch the stupid bitches!

No-o-o, Cassie.

Fire bad.

You've just gotta beat them
at their own game.

You've gotta see their fake tans

and raise them a push-up bra.

- Yeah, I guess I could do that.
- Yeah.

So, now that we've sorted out
your problems, like good girlfriends,

I... I was wondering
if we could have a chat

about some feminine issues
that have been affecting me lately.

I guess.

OK, well... usually when I menstruate...

Ooh, what is your problem?!

But you're a woman.

In the same way that Victoria Beckham's...

Yeah, yeah, Tim's already done that one!

I'm sorry for
going a bit mad at you earlier.

I've just had some bad experiences
with men lately.

I understand.
There are a lot of salacious guys about.

Woah! You said "salacious"!
Are you sure you're from round here?

- Well, I'm from Frodsham.
- Frodsham!

The Monte Carlo of the Northwest!

Is it as magical as people say?

It's ten minutes down the A56.

The A56!

Ha!

You know,
I'd really like to get to know you...

- um...
- Leonard.

Yeah, school was a lot of fun for me(!)

Well, you seem nice, Leonard.

And so far, I seem crazy.

Will you give me the chance
to prove I'm not a batshit wacko?

(CHUCKLES) That sounds good.

Oh, but I need to pop out
and do something.

Oh, I get it.

Is this because I accused you
of being a pervert

and said you wanted to look
at my wing-wang?

No, that stuff's marvellous.

I just left my phone in my car.

I'll come back. Trust me.

I do!

Of course I do!

What's up, Tim?

I've been dumped! He's never coming back.

I've ruined my first chance
at real happiness since Helena.

You've got it easy.

I was this close to kicking a ball again,
with everyone watching.

Fell in a pile of mud,
smells like dog shit.

l-l-I really want to walk again
and I know I can.

I just...
I don't know what's wrong with me.

Well, if your physio thinks
your problems are psychological,

maybe it's the sterner approach you need.

Our old friend Mr Tough Love.

I could get you angry,
give you a load of abuse

and motivate you to get out of the chair.

I'm game. How do we start?

You're a pathetic little bastard!

Oi, piss off, arsehole!

Oh, sorry!
Was that part of the tough love?

Yes!

Ah!

Look at you! You're hopeless!

I can Riverdance and you can't.

# Hummin-na-na ner ner-ner-ner... #

But that's cos I'm not a loser
in a wheelchair.

This is pretty good, cos I wanna
get out the chair and batter you.

Go on, let's crank it up a notch.

OK, OK.

Come on, drag your lazy, fat arse
out of that chair, you useless invalid.

Why can't you walk like the rest of us?

Stoopid!

- Oh!
- What you doing?

Leonard, I wasn't expecting you
to come back.

I think the clues were there when I said,
"I'll come back."

I didn't realise I'd find you doing this.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.
This is my friend.

I was just helping him.

This always works!

Well, it usually works!

I'll see you, Tim.

Oh, no, Leonard, wait!

Oh.

Don't worry about it, Tim. He'll be back.

Will he?

I pissing well doubt it.

Look, Billy, I know you wanted us
to have a break for a while

and I know you didn't want me coming here

but I thought
if I dressed up a little bit...

- What are you wearing?!
- What, you don't think it's sexy?

Well, I didn't say that.

Good, cos I'm wearing three things
I've never worn before -

heels, perfume and knickers.

They're right up me chuff!

But why?

You like wearing ten-year-old ripped jeans
and T-shirts with "suck me cock" on it.

Well, yeah, but you want me to be sexy
like that lot.

Well, it's why you've been avoiding me.

Because I'm not some Oompa Loompa
with bazumpas like them.

I love the way you are, Cassie.

Really?

I thought you wanted me to be glamorous.

I thought you didn't fancy me.

No, I fancy you too much -
that's the problem, love.

Anyway, they aren't glamorous.

Rita works down the sewers,

Sharon used to be a trained butcher

and Tracy used to be called Trev.

(SHE LAUGHS)

I'm telling you, Cassie, you're
the best-looking girl here, hands down.

Really?

Well...

in that case, Billy McCormack,
how would you like some company tonight?

No way! I've just said,
if I spend the night with you

I'm gonna be crap in
tomorrow's football game.

Not happening - football's me life.

Oh, well, that's a shame,

cos I was thinking of tying you down,
sitting on your face

and spanking your ball bag with a spatula.

Football's only a game. Right, let's go.

Wait, hang on. Aren't you
in the middle of practising now?

Oh, yeah! Got caught up
in the moment and all!

That's my man!

John! John!

John!

Well... thanks for meeting me, Hazel.

I hope you didn't think it was weird,

me putting up ads around town
saying I wanted to meet people.

I completely understand.

I'm very open-minded.

Is that a leather belt you're wearing?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

Tell me...

why do you think it's acceptable to wear
a slaughtered animal around your waist?

It were three quid in Primark.

Anyway, Hazel, um, now that we're pals
there's something

I'd really like to talk to someone about.

Tell me, Donna, are you passionate
about the environment?

...Yeah.
Really?

...Yeah.

Isn't it... isn't it terrible

how all them carbon fumes
are making that oil leak everywhere...

melting those icecaps
and killing all them poor polar bears?

And soon all we'll be left with
is... an oily... polar bear...

on a defrosted...
carbon-footprinted icecap.

Did... any of that make sense?

You clearly don't know
what you're talking about, Donna,

and the fact that you're wearing
a leather belt says a lot about you.

Look, Stig of the Dump!

It doesn't make me a bad person

just because I'm wearing something
that stops my trousers falling down!

I don't think we can be friends, Donna.

Oh, yeah? Well, what a crushing blow(!)

Why don't you go shag a tree, Bono?!

It's really nice having a new friend.

Especially after my boyfriend
dumped me last week.

Not that I'd use you
as a replacement for John.

Of course not! Huh!

Could you cut your hair short
and let me call you Joan?

Vot are you vearing?

Hm! Hey, do you like Justin Bieber?

...So, after I cut him up
into small pieces

I put him in the deepfreeze
and then I buried him in the woods.

How people consider that murder
I've got no idea! Hm!

Next!

...You know what?
I am having a really nice time, Anna.

Me too. I think you're really cool, Donna.

You're not a mass murderer?

Or a vampire or a Justin Bieber fan?

- Course not, silly!
- Well, thank God for that.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

It's just... so hard to meet
other gay women round here.

I never stood a chance with Leonard.

He's way out of my league.

He's from Frodsham, for God's sake!

Frodsham?!

What is he, a millionaire?

Anyway... what about me?
I've still not found a girlie best mate.

(LAUGHS) She's still not found one yet?!

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
What, you still haven't walked yet?

Well, that's sensitive -
I wonder why you ain't got any friends(?)

Because they were all eco-freaks,
vampires and... predatory lesbians.

Predatory lesbians?

Just shut up, Gaz!

Why don't you just give up?

I could find a friend if I wanted.

Yeah! I could befriend someone
as soon as look at 'em.

Even her!

Come to mama, bosom buddy!

Well!

Hello there, partner!

You look like a nice sort
who'd enjoy a girlie chat.

Hm.

That's right!

So, have you got a name?

Kerri. People call me Kes.

Well, that is brilliant!

(LAUGHS) Like the kestrel.

...You know.

The kestrel!

Called Kes!

You know, "Come to, Kes, come to."

You know, "Come to."

You're pissing me off now!

But...

- (# VANGELIS: Chariots Of Fire)
- No!

Gaz, you walked!

- You... you're walking!
- Not right now, Donna.

I'm on me arse.

Not, but you got up and walked. You walked
across the pub. You're on your feet!

No, Donna, I'm still on me arse.

- Stop ruining the moment!
- Sorry.

Well, can you do it again, Gaz?

Come to, Gaz!

Come to!

Come on, Gaz. Try!

Er...

Think about how you'll be able to shag me
up against the wall again!

And I'm up!

- Well...
- Oh!

He's back! Oh, my Gaz is back!

Well, I guess I found me motivation. It
was just me instinct to protect you, baby.

Oi, I haven't finished with you.

Oh, yes, you have, sugar tits.

You don't come in my pub
and threaten my customers. Now, sling it!

You gonna make me, Russell Grant?

You're the one that's gonna be
seeing stars in a second, bitch!

Now, get out, you dirty biffer,
and don't come back.

And if you ever threaten my friends again

I'll open a can of whoop-ass on you
and a big, fat carton of bitch-slap.

Leonard!

I didn't think you'd come back.

Well, what can I say?
Your drinks are reasonably priced.

I know you just saw me
manhandling that girl

and threatening to bitch-slap her.
Oh, you must think...

I think you're pretty heroic, Tim,
sticking up for your friends like that.

And you're surprisingly forceful
when you're angry.

I just...

How about you stop talking
whilst I still think you're heroic?

You tend to say the wrong thing
when you speak.

- Yeah, I just...
- What did I just say?

That little piggy there went to market.

This little piggy went to town.

And this little piggy...

It tickles when I do it!

It's amazing, Gaz walking again.
It is a miracle.

- It's a modern-day miracle.
- Mm.

- Like Fearne Cotton's career.
- Yeah.

So...

I guess you discovered something tonight
when you failed to make any new friends.

What, that I'm a crap friend?

You're not crap!

You helped Gaz to walk again,
you helped me with Leonard

and you helped Cassie with Billy.

You're right!

I am freakin' awesome!

So, what did I learn, then?

That you don't need anyone new
because you've got us.

And you can always talk to me
about anything.

Even stuff about your down-belows.

Really?

Of course!

So, what's been bothering you
so much lately?

I missed my period,
I think I might be pregnant.

...Go on, put that in there.
Look!