Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 9, Episode 6 - This is Your Life - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Isn't it properly amazing,
being a couple?

Yeah, the best things come in twos -

Twixes, boobs and the Chuckle Brothers.

I'm so happy with you, Billy.

You make me feel like the nice girl
I always knew I could be.



(BABY VOICE) Aw! You're my cuddly-wuddly!

(BABY VOICE) Aw!
Don't make me puke in your face!

Gaz is going to love this party.

He is a really big fan of surprises.

Every time he gets an unexpected erection,
he giggles like a schoolgirl.

I thought he'd have had
enough surprises recently,

what with finding out
that you might be pregnant.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Have we got
enough balloons in here?

You haven't told him, have you?!
Have you even taken the test yet?

There's no need. I thought
I missed my period ten years ago.

I've kept a very, very strict diary
ever since,

and now they're more predictable than...

Prince Philip saying something
unfortunately racist.

I can't have a baby.



Why not?
You've lived with Gaz all this time.

That's very similar
to looking after a child.

And one person throwing tantrums
and gnawing on my breasts

is quite enough, thank you.

Look, you have to tell him
what's happening.

Oi! I've been waiting for a drink
for five minutes!

I'm sorry, but we're having
a very serious conversation here!

Really?

Cos it sounded to me like, "Blah,
blah, blah, I might be pregnant."

Followed by, "Waffle, waffle,
shit advice, flounce."

That was quite a good impression of you,
I'll give him that.

Isn't this great? I love surprises!

Oh!

The guy at the bar's my ex.

He's a complete psychopath.

Even the mention of his name
gives me the chills.

Graham.

I didn't think psychos were called Graham.
More like Slasher...

or Jeremy.

Right, if we play it cool,
maybe he won't notice us.

Hi, Graham!

Your ex-girlfriend Cassie's right here.

- ALL: Surprise!
- (CHEERING)

What a surprise!
I didn't know you had a party planned!

Everyone!
Can I have your attention, please?

Since Gaz has reached
the ripe old age of 30,

I have arranged a little surprise for him.

I thought it would be nice

to tell everybody the tale of
your incredible journey to the big 3-0.

# This is your life! #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Nice one! All right, listen, listen,
listen. Be warned, everyone,

there's going to be some crazy stuff
dug up here, I know there is.

(CLEARS THROAT) In 1981...

Aw! ...Gaz Wilkinson came into the world

in a hospital in Runcorn.

He then went to school... in Runcorn.

At 15, Gaz became a mechanic in Runcorn.

13 years later, Gaz was in a car accident

and had to go back to hospital in Runcorn,

where it all started for him, in Runcorn.

It's been quite a journey, hasn't it, Gaz?

Yeah. Yeah, I, erm...

Yeah, I was born, went to school,
fixed a few engines,

had a car crash and went to hospital.

Oh, yeah - in Runcorn.

# This is your life. #

I was so excited about getting
my life back after the accident,

but what have I got to show
for the last 30 years,

apart from... knackered wrists
and a massive load of used tissues?

- Donna, all I've got is you.
- Well, that's not true.

You've got Corinthian.

Yeah, and unlike his dad,
he managed to leave pissing Runcorn.

I'm such a waste of space!
I've done nothing worthwhile.

Well, don't say that. I...
I know something major will happen soon.

Oh, yeah? What?

Well, like you're going to be a dad again.
I'm pregnant, Gaz.

What? How?

Well, when a man and a lady love each
other very much... From us having sex!

How do you think? We weren't
always careful after your accident.

What? No? You mean one of my
disabled little guys made it through?

Well, they weren't
in wheelchairs themselves.

Or your fanny had good access ramps!

This is amazing!
I can't... I can't believe it!

- You're going to be a great mum!
- Do you think so?

Yeah, you can handle anything,

like late nights, early mornings,
puke, piss, poo.

Yeah, you're going to be a star!

Yeah, I can't wait.

Look, just... just don't get too excited.
It's early days yet.

No, no, no, no, I'm cool,
I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Yes!

Yes! Hey, who's the daddy?!

Who's the daddy? Me!
That's... I'm the daddy!

Come on!

So I said,
"Hey, I'll have the whole piece,

"but only if you don't tell the nun."
(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS UNCERTAINLY)

Please laugh, Billy.

Oh, I just got it! A nun!

(LAUGHS) You're dead funny, Graham.

Oh, this guy kills me!

I'm going to get some more drinks in.

What are you doing with that drippy twat?

Ditch him, or I will kill him.

(LAUGHS) Only joking!

Kind of.

Look, Graham, I'm with Billy now and...

You need to be with
someone dangerous like me.

Come on, remember all the trouble
we got in, all the plans we made?

We never could have invaded Wales.

And I'm not like that any more.
I want to be a good girl now,

like Holly Willoughby.

So if I said, "Let's go and steal
some lighter fuel, set a sheep on fire

"and then shag on its ashy remains,"

that wouldn't get you going?

Baa! (MIMICS EXPLOSION)

Ooh, you still know how to make me wet!

Oh! Hello, Leonard.
Were you hoping for a drink?

I was actually thinking about dinner.

Oh, you'll be lucky.
We stopped serving at seven.

Look, I meant you and me.

In a restaurant.

Not here.

On another day.

Yes, all right! You don't have to
spell it out to me! I'm not stupid!

What exactly are you saying?

I'd like to go out with you, Tim.

But why?

I think you know why.

Oh! (GIGGLES) You!

No, seriously, why?

Because I think you're cute,
and I'd like to get to know you

and... see if we can
take things to the next level.

- So? How about tomorrow?
- Well, it sounds lovely.

Whoa there, cowboy!

Let's wait for the date!

Come on. Good.

Gaz, we need to talk!

Wait, wait, wait.

Check it out.

Watch this! Watch, watch, watch!

What's up?

Well, er, I went to the doctor's
to make sure that everything's OK...

Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to come
and gloat, offer some of me power spunk.

She asked me if I'd been
under any stress lately

and I said that my boyfriend
was in a coma, then paralysed,

our flat had burnt down,

we were homeless and broke,

and our lives had entirely no hope...

...and she said
that could cause some stress.

What are you saying?
Is the baby all right?

There is no baby. I'm not pregnant,
it was just stress.

What, you were pregnant with stress?
What's that, like a food baby?

No, my... my body got all... shagged up
from worrying.

That's why I missed my period,
so we're not having a baby.

Oh, right.

I'm so sorry, Gaz.

Hey, no, no! Hey, it's not your fault,
you know? Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure... They have to
do some more tests, but...

I should never have told you
I was pregnant.

I just wanted to make you feel better.

As long as you're OK.

Hey, well, come on! We can do it now!
Let's get them eggs scrambled!

What?

We can have a kid!
My jizz brigade managed it once.

- You were going to have the baby before.
- Right, but that's when I thought

I had no choice and... now I can choose.

I don't want a baby, I never have,
you know that.

What about what I want?

What about all this shit?

I don't need £200 credit at Mothercare.

Right, so we should have a baby
because you bought a cot?

And a pram.

Look, I'm sorry, Gaz, I really am,

but things have changed so much lately,

I'm just happy with
the way things are now.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not.

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know. I...

I suppose I'd better
take all this stuff back.

Come on, Gaz Junior. Let's go.

Shite!

Are you OK, Gaz?

Not really.

Come on, cheer up, babe. You've
got to look on the bright side of life.

Cassie's out with her ex and I think,
"Good for her, that she still can be mates

"with a handsome former lover."

And if she decides to leave me for him
then... what can you do?

Are you thick?

What you can do is stand up for yourself!

Cassie wears the trousers in
our relationship, and I wear the knickers.

Listen, if you don't fight for your woman,
you're gonna lose her.

Don't let life pass you by like it has me,

otherwise you'll end up a sad old man
with just broken dreams.

Sounds like you need a change of scene.

- You should visit somewhere.
- Like where?

Like Liverpool!

I don't need to score any crack, thanks.

Gaz, it's the City of Culture.

- It's produced amazing things.
- Like what?

Me!

Yeah, I think I'll go somewhere else,
thanks, Billy.

All right, Gaz?

Yeah, I'm great. I'm leaving.

But you only just got here, love.

No, I'm leaving Runcorn.

I wanna see more of the world, like that
time when I saw them rhinos in the wild.

That was Knowsley Safari Park.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, this time
I'm gonna go even further than Knowsley.

What, Wigan?

So that's it? I won't have your baby
so you're leaving me?

No, I want you to come with me.

Look, Donna, you're... you're the only
good thing I've got left, right,

and if you are stressed out,
maybe going away could... relax you.

Well, it is better than your suggestion
that I strum one out.

What do you say?

OK, why not?

I could do with getting away.

I'm not really fussed about my job, to
be honest. I hate HR, they're all wankers.

Maybe this might be good for us.

Yes, this is brilliant! That's br...

Right, erm...

Right, so I guess... I guess we should...

we should go to Rome and do
as the Romans do, whatever that is.

And then we can check out the rain
in Spain, which falls mainly on the plain.

(LAUGHING) Whatever that is.

Marvellous.

Any plans that aren't based on crap
sayings that you clearly don't understand?

Not really, no.

Right...

Hiya, Billy, mate.

You all right, babe? I mean...

(DEEP VOICE) You all right, babe?

Look, I've had enough. You can't take
my girlfriend off me - she's mine.

Well, technically I'm hers,
but... but that's how I want it.

Why would I steal your girlfriend?

Even though she should be with me,
because you're a pathetic loser.

(LAUGHS) Only joking!

I know your game -
how you pretend you're joking,

but actually you mean stuff.

Hey, you're smarter than you look, mate.

(LAUGHS) Only joking!

Anyway, Cassie,
you can only be with one of us.

It's either him or me.

What, you want me to choose?

Yeah, I'm standing up for myself.

If... that's OK.

Tomorrow at two o'clock,
I'm going to be somewhere dead romantic

and if you want to be with me,
you should meet me there.

Right, where?

This pub.

All right, well, I'll be
at the train station at two o'clock.

If you pick me, meet me there
and we'll leave this shitty little town.

(WHISPERS) Damn, that's better than mine.

But this'll be like picking between
Phillip Schofield and Satan!

No woman can be expected
to make that choice!

So are you looking forward
to your first date tonight?

It's not my first date!

I mean, it's my first ever gay date,

but I obviously had
lots of hot mamas before Helena.

Yes, I was quite the tom cat.

No, this is literally my first date,
gay or otherwise.

And you're shitting yourself, aren't you?

Oh, like a burst pipe!

Leonard was talking about
taking things to the next level.

Ooh, you lucky bugger!

Well, fill your boots...

with spunk!

And by "boots", I mean "mouth".

Ew! Ew! Well, don't you think
it's all moving a bit fast?

No, you twat! Look, are you sure
you haven't got intimacy issues, Tim?

Are you frightened to get
physically close to someone?

Of course not!

Don't touch me! Stay away!

You need to relax.

You could do with a good shafting.
Right, hey!

How about I pick you out a nice shirt,

something that says "spunk in my boots"?

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, you get that.

Donna's dirty chatline.

Oh! Oh, Donna, it's the hospital.

Hello?

Yes, my test results, yeah.

Well, what do you mean, inconclusive?

Right, but you were rooting around
in my fanny for the best part of an hour

and if you'd been there any longer,
I would have charged you rent.

I see.

Right, erm, thank you.

Donna, what's wrong?

They don't know. I've got to be
available for more tests.

Well, how long for?

They don't know.

But what about you going away with Gaz?

Yeah, I guess that's not happening.

Yeah, he hadn't thought it through anyway.

He probably wanted to
cross the Atlantic on a pedalo.

Look, do you want me to cancel my date
and stay with you?

No, of course not. Anyway, come on...

...let's not worry about
my life-threatening illness

and crushing my boyfriend's dreams,
and pick you out a lovely shirt.

Something with a subtle nod
to 1920s Hollywood!

Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)
Eh? I'm all prepared for our travels.

Arriba, huh?

Are we going to a Looney Tunes cartoon?

Look, Gaz, we need to talk.

Wait, wait, no, me first, listen.

I know that you thought
I wasn't serious about going away, so...

I bought this book, right,
and it says in here

that they use different money
in different countries.

It's called currency.

You really are taking this seriously,
aren't you?

Yeah, of course! We can't just
hang around here - life's too short.

Look, Gaz,
I don't think I can go with you.

What? No, you said you would,
you were up for it.

Right, but that was before I knew...

Knew what?

It... it doesn't matter.

Oh, great. Great.

So I've got a ton of baby stuff
I can't use and a sombrero I can't wear.

Right, so maybe you should stop
randomly buying things.

Look, it's not that I think that
you shouldn't go. I think you should.

You should just go on your own.

What?

You really want to do this.

You bought a book, for God's sakes!

If you're that passionate about it,
you should go.

Well, what a surprise(!)
Donna's being selfish again.

- Is this about your career, is it?
- No,

it's just that you act like
all you've got is me.

Well, what if you didn't have me any more
and what if I wasn't around?

What does that mean?!

It means I can...

I can't keep holding you back.

Everything's got to be
on your terms, hasn't it?

- It isn't like that.
- It's always like that!

You say you'll go away with me
then you won't,

you say you'll have me kid then you don't.

No, Gaz...

Do you know what? Do you know what?
I'm glad that we never bothered.

You'd be a terrible mother.

All you care about is yourself.

Are you sure you're having a good time,
Tim? You seem a little nervous.

No! I'm not nervous! Not me!

I've been on loads of dates, I have!

In no way do I feel
out of my comfort zone.

Relax a bit, OK?

OK, I'll try.

Well, that was a lovely main course,
wasn't it?

Yes, it was, Leonard. It was, yeah.

So...

What now?

As a noble suitor, I feel
we shouldn't take things any further

and we should bring this evening
to an end, as pleasant as it's been.

Tim?

I shall leave enough money
to pay for the meal.

As I consider myself the man,
I feel it's right that I should pay.

Not that you're... not the man.

No, no, no, erm...

Nor that if me and you were to ever...
er, you know,

that we would somehow designate roles.

I bid you good day!

Wrong way!

That's it, Tim! Cassie's not coming!

Well, she'd better be!
Her next shift's at four.

I meant she's not coming for me.

She's picked Graham.

Oh, never mind, Billy. Some of us
are just destined to be alone.

I know I'll be growing old
without any physical pleasure

and only my legions of cats and my
John Barrowman photograph for company.

Come on, Captain Jack,
let's embrace our lonely fate.

CASSIE: He's a chuffing drama queen,
my brother.

Cassie! You came!

How could I choose anyone over you,
Billy McCormack?

But Graham's fun and nice-looking
and he tells a good story.

Oh, and that smile of his!

You can still go catch him
at the train station.

He wouldn't be interested in me.

Shut up, you lovely moron!

OK.

Gaz?

Gaz?

GAZ: Donna, I've gone to the airport.

I've wasted enough time
hanging round here.

Maybe when I come back
you'll have learned to be less selfish.

That's if I ever do come back.

See ya. Gaz.

I love you, Cassie.

I love you too, Billy McCormack.

Aw, ain't this touching(!)

- I think I might be sick.
- CASSIE: Graham?

I knew you'd choose Billy over me...
because you're a loser

and you wanna be with other losers.

Plus, I saw it on your Twitter feed!

Well, if I can't have you back,

I ain't gonna let this pathetic Scouser
have you either.

You stay away from him!

I can fight me own battles, Cassie.
I'm tough.

- Shut it, Billy!
- OK.

I never stood up to you
when we were together,

so I'm doing it now.

You're not gonna do anything to me.

You're just a frightened little girl.

You need a real man like me
to take control of you.

God, you're right.

I should be with someone like you.

That's all I'm good for.

Only joking!

Now fuck off and if you ever
come back again, I will kill you!

Cassie, that was amazing!

- Oh, I'm so proud of you!
- (LAUGHS)

Even though you technically
threatened to murder someone.

You chose me cos I stood up for myself!

- I've got to do that more often.
- No, Billy.

OK, great.

Gaz!

Gaz...

I'm s-sorry.

Gaz. Gaz!

Why couldn't I go out with
a blond bloke with an Afro?!

Oh, John Barrowman photo,
you understand me.

You're not concerned
with matters of the flesh.

Oh, why would you be? You're a photograph!

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Who's there?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, Beyoncé's bloomers! If you've
forgotten your key again, Cassie...

- Hello.
- Leonard! Who let you up here?

Your sister.
Well, she had to stop going at it

with her boyfriend
on the bar first, but...

Well, I hope she put a beer mat down.

Look, I'm not really comfortable
with you being here.

What are you so afraid of?

You! And your big... penis.

Tim, please!

It's not that big.

It's pretty big.

But not that big.

Why is that scary?

Because you wouldn't really want me.
Let's be honest, I'm not sexy.

I think you're sexy.

Oh, you're just saying that.

Look at me! Who'd want to...?

Oh, my...!

Oh!

I really fancy you...

and I'm happy to take things slow.

Bugger that!

Gaz! Excuse me, excuse me.

Gaz! Sorry.

- Gaz.
- You're coming?

Travelling a bit light, aren't you?

Er, no, I'm not coming with you.

I just... I didn't want you hating me
from the other side of the world.

I don't hate you. I couldn't.

I could stay.

No, you need to do this.

There's more to your life than Runcorn.

Unless you want to stay?

I do, I do.

Just... I also want to go.

Then you should go.

Or you could stay.

No, no, Donna, you're doing my head in.
I can't...

I love you so much.

I love you too. I... I always will.

No, I was just thinking about having kids.

I mean, if a poor young couple
accidentally fall pregnant

then they can still be all right,
can't they?

(# WILL YOUNG: All Time Love)

- Ah-ha!
- Ta-da!

Ta-da!

I love you, Donna.

I can only offer you my heart.

Gaz, you promised me

- this wouldn't happen again!
- Want to get in?

- Oh, my God!
- Miaow!

Let's give it another ten minutes.

If nothing happens,
I'll stick me finger up your arse.

Ah! Wait, what are you doing? I thought
we were going to christen the van?

Stop!

- Satan!
- (SCREAMS)

Why can't you just leave me alone?!

It's a sheep!

- Baa!
- Argh!

(SHEEP BLEATS)

Maybe you could wear skirts
that leave less to the imagination...

Are you crying?

No, you twat!

- Shut up.
- Never speak to me again!

How did this happen?

You don't understand me.

Anyone who stuck their cock
in their wife's best friend!

The tit wanks are more cushiony.

Right!

Yes! Yes!

Have you got a massive hard-on?

I hate you.

Bogge ye offe!

We can't keep doing this, Gaz.
We're adults now.

What have I been doing?

But I love him too. I always have.

So will you marry me?

Go on, give us a snog, pretty girl.

Will you marry me?

I love you.

(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL CHIMES)

TANNOY: Would passenger Wilkinson
please proceed to gate 9 immediately.

You've got to go.

I don't want to go now.

Yes, you do.

- Come here.
- Don't... (SOBS)

I love you, all right? Bye.

# I want an all time love

# To find me

# I want an all time love

# Cos nothing else is good enough

# I want an all time love

# To find me. #