Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 9, Episode 4 - The Gaz-Bot - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

(CLATTERING)

- All right, Donna?
- You all right?

(BLOWS AIR HORN)

I've pimped... my ride.

You have lost... your mind.



I was just thinking. Just cos I'm
disabled, doesn't mean I can't have style.

Then how come you look like
My Big Fat Gypsy Wheelchair?

Allow me to show you my accessories.

Chrome hubcaps.

Customised flag.

Sat-nav.

There's a little extra.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello, Dinna.

No, no, it's supposed to say
"Hello, Donna". I'm just shit at typing.

And why are you doing this?

I've been fighting this wheelchair
for too long.

If I never walk, I want to be happy.
I watched something last night

that shows that wheelchair people
are the coolest people ever.

I mean, this film here sticks very close
to the Daniel Day-Lewis original.



Just with more hardcore sex.

"My Left Foot Fetish".

For God's sake, Gaz,
why do you only get inspired by porn?

Eh! It's a deeply powerful art form.

Plus all the birds get their growlers out.

Now, I want to take on the world
by meself.

I feel I can do absolutely anything.
Anything. Make us a brew, will you?

Make it yourself!

ROBOTIC VOICE: Lazy bitch.

It's finally happened to him.
Gaz is having a mid-life crisis.

Lucky for him I have a brilliant career
that can fund all his twatishness.

Did you just shamelessly promote
the fact that you've got a new job?

Oh, why, yes, I did.

I've waited a long time
for this opportunity.

I am going to be a brilliant HR manager.

Managing people's...
happy... relationships...

It stands for "Human Resources".

(GIGGLES)

No, it doesn't! (GIGGLES)

Does it?

So, are you excited about
being in charge of your own team?

I'm shitting a brick.

I start in a week and I don't even know
what HR stands for.

At least you've got some direction
in your life.

I just don't know what I want
since I came out.

Yes, you do!

You want to be all gay and fabulous. Why
aren't you being fabulous? Be fabulous!

I don't feel very fabulous.

I keep thinking about Helena.

I wonder whether I've made the right
decision, breaking up with her.

You're not attracted to her, remember.

You can't fight your physical instincts.
You like cock.

Not necessarily!

Helena could still get me going.
Her rippling thighs,

her vein-ridden biceps,

the six o'clock shadow
on her granite jaw...

Yum.

You all right, Gaz? Looking shit.

Yes, I am...

the shit.

Remember how you asked me
to blackmail that manager

- to get Billy his football trial?
- I do.

Remember how you promised to get Billy
to shag me in return?

I do.

Do you want to sort it out
before I rip your fingernails off?

I do.

Oof, what I'd do to that boy!

I'd chuck him on the bed, and then
I'd rip his pants off with me teeth

and then I'd scream...
Oh! Hi, Billy!

Ha ha ha!

- Nice, isn't she?
- Yeah.

Shag her.

You what?

At least ask her out. It's thanks to her
you got your spot on Runcorn Rovers.

If you bang her,
you can tell me all the juicy details.

I bet she goes like a malfunctioning
Tickle Me Elmo.

(SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY)

- I dunno...
- Just do it, dickhead.

All right, then.

Hey, Cassie, love.
You want to go out sometime?

Seriously?

Sure.

(GIGGLES MANICALLY)

I think I broke her.

Wait till you stick your cock in her.

Hey! Not gonna mention me chair?

Oh, you've done up your chair!

Looking good.

You know who you look like?

A bloke in a done-up wheelchair.

D'you know...

All this stuff, it's just...
It's not enough.

I need... I need to do more.

I need to do something that shows off
how skill I am.

Like being a Paralympian?

Don't be thick!

I need something better,
something amazing.

Something that no-one else
would ever think of.

I know!

I could be a Paralympian!

...Donna, I'm serious.
I wanna be a Paralympian.

Well, it might not be as easy
as you think.

You know, they don't just let anyone in.

It's not like Dancing On Ice.

Or England.

Yeah, but I really want to make this
happen. I thought you'd be behind me.

Well, I am behind you.

It's just, I've just seen you
get excited by stuff before -

you know, sports, meat pies,

shiny objects -

and you usually get distracted
when something else pops up.

Normally your knob.

See, it's funny.

Usually when I try something new,
you get involved and take over.

What? No, I don't!

- Huh!
- Well, only in a supportive way.

Huh-he-huh!

Well, not in a bossy way.

Uh-hey!

Will you stop saying, "Huh-hey"?

I might have been bossy before, but I will
turn over a new leaf once I am a manager

of happy human... relationship resources.

- Well, why don't you practise with me?
- What?

Well, you could manage me training.

Well, I suppose it would be useful
to give it a go.

Yeah, I can inspire and motivate you
through support and encouragement.

I can help you find your potential,
I can help you find your inner winner.

Hey! Ooh! Ooh, no, look.
Eh, can you help me find me meat pie?

I lost it under the sofa on Tuesday.

Well, why didn't you pick it up then?

I just got distracted.

By me knob!

Cab should be here soon...
to take me to win back Helena.

Maybe a quick drink for my nerves.

Ugh. Ooh!

Donna thinks I can't deny my
physical desires, but that's just stupid.

I mean, when I look at you, Billy,
all I see is a man.

I don't care about your body.

I don't think about you sexually.

I don't imagine your stubble brushing
against my face as you kiss me tenderly.

Stupid Donna.

So, I hear you finally asked Cassie out.

Won over by her unique charms, were you?

Nah, it's just cos Gaz told me to.

Do you ever get the feeling
that you're easily led?

I do ever get the feeling
that I'm easily led, yes!

Look, you should give Cassie
a proper chance.

I know she's not like the girlfriends
you'd normally have.

Ye-ea-ea-eah!

What do you mean, "Ye-ea-ea-eah"?!

Well, to be honest, I've not really
went out with anyone before, not properly.

I just always felt
there was something special missing.

Hmm, I felt like that.

Yeah, but it was a dick
that was missing for you!

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Well, maybe Cassie
has that missing something.

Cassie has a dick?

No! She may have that something special
you're looking for.

She's different from all the other bimbos
round here.

Oh, is she? All she ever says to me is...

(LAUGHS MANICALLY)

Yeah, well, that's just how she acts
around you.

It might be that you need
someone forceful like her.

You should really
take this date seriously.

- Oh, I dunno...
- Oh, just do it, dickhead!

All right, then.

You know, me and this chair,
we're gonna win that gold,

and we're gonna be famous, right,
and we'll be asked on Top Gear

and then I'm gonna tell Clarkson
he's a twat.

Well, that's not fair, Gaz.

It's that Hamster wanker
who deserves a kick in the nuts.

It's true.

Right, I have mapped out
a detailed training programme.

It says here, "wash your bollocks".

How's that gonna help me be a Paralympian?

Well, it's not.

It'd just be a welcome change.

So, to kick things off,

let's go jogging!

Oh, great, yeah. How's that gonna work?

No, no, actually, no. I'll give it a try.

Let's go.

Are we in Widnes yet?

Or we could go wheeling.

You patronising cock.

You what?

I love you.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Bit of a problem.

It's 11 in the am.

So?

Well, me next wank's due at quarter past.

Listen, I won't get me five-a-day
if I miss me mid-morning tug.

Look, Gaz. l-l-I don't think
you should masturbate for a bit.

Woah!

Come again?

Or not, in your case.

Look, if you wanna get fit,
you've gotta retain all your vital fluids

and produce as much testosterone
as you can

and then you'll be a real athlete...

with bollocks the size of space hoppers.

Woah! No! You can't take my wank
away from me. It's part of me.

It's what I've done for as long as I can
remember. I've always been a wanker.

Well, from now on, no wanking,
no shagging, and no wet dreams.

What?! I... I can't help me wet dreams!

Well, can you try, because
I'm tired of thinking I've woken up

in a puddle of cream of mushroom.

See what I mean? You're kind of being
bossy rather than encouraging.

No.

I am politely instructing you in your aim
that you achieve your full potential.

Now, move it, you lazy twat!

Excuse me.

Do you know Helena Claypole?
I thought she'd be training here today.

She was, but we had to take her off
after a nasty collision.

Oh, my God!

An ambulance drove past me on the way
through. She wasn't in that, was she?

No.

That was for the three fellas
she collided with.

She's behind there.

I'd give it a few minutes' rest,
then you can stick your head round.

Righto. Thanks.

Oh, poor Helena.

This was a bad idea. I should go.

Are you the physio?

Do I look like the physio?!

Damn.

I pulled something in my shoulder.

I really need some Deep Heat on it.

And as I was saying,
I don't look like the physio

but I am the physio.

Oh, yes, I am. I am that man.

Great. Rub in as much as you can.

If I must.

Are you ready for our big date?
I'm so excited.

Just relax.

I've already had one of Tim's Valiums.

Although it might have been
one of his worming tablets.

So, what are we gonna get up to?

Well, I thought we could do
some of my favourite things,

like go for a lovely picnic in a meadow,

or go for a walk by a... a babbling brook,

or go visit a delightful...
puppy sanctuary.

Yeah, that would be lovely.

All those little yapping runts doing
their stinky turds all over the place,

then eating them,

then trying to lick their face
with their filthy turd-covered... tongues.

Are you sure you like puppies?

Yeah!

It's kittens I can't stand.

Cassie, I've got a feeling
you're not being yourself.

However could you possibly mean
such a thing, pray do tell?

I know when you put on an act around me,
I'm not thick.

Tim pointed it out to me.

Right, I see.

You're gonna want to
forget about today, then.

- I knew I needn't have brushed my teeth.
- No.

I'm still up for going out,
I just want you to be yourself.

Look, let's do some of
your real favourite things.

If you do say so, my dearest Billy.

Yeah, all right, then.

Look, if I knew you were gonna be like
this, I would have dressed normally.

Are you not dressed normally?

No, I took my nipple rings out.
You can hear 'em whistling in the breeze.

Oh! I feel so alive after that.
Don't you feel alive, Gaz?

Yeah, what, in the sense that I feel dead?

Right, now, I noticed some things
that could do with improving,

so I'm gonna use my expert
managerial skills to inspire you,

and I'm gonna start
by giving you a shit sandwich.

Eurgh, what's that, like a Dirty Sanchez?

No, it's where a negative
observation of you

is cancelled out
by two positives either side.

For example...

You're way out of shape!

But your hair looks nice.

But you're a big, fat,
stinking failure! See?

No, no, I thought it was supposed to be
one bad thing followed by two good things.

You've just given me a piece of bread
surrounded by two shits.

Don't tell me how to encourage you,
you dick!

This is what I'm good at.

Yeah, not really feeling motivated
right now.

Well, you'd better get motivated, buddy,
if you're gonna win Friday's little race.

What little race?

Well, it's more of a marathon.

I made some phone calls
while you were throwing up in that lay-by

and I decided to sign you up.

Donna, I'm not ready for a marathon,

and I watch cartoons on Fridays.

Well, not any more.

Say toodle-oo to Scooby Doo!

I thought you weren't going to be bossy.

I'm only doing this
because I believe in you.

This is all for you, and only you.

And also to prepare me
for my new manager's job.

But mostly for you.

Fine, but you will tone it down a bit,
won't you?

Of course.

(# SINITTA: So Macho)

Right, you maggot.

It's time to get to work!

Go on, Gaz, smack him.
Punch Jeremy Clarkson square in the face!

Harder! Harder! Useless!

That's it, yeah.
Now you really hate this man.

Yeah, that's much better, Gaz! That's
fantastic! Brilliant! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!

- Hey!
- What?

Uh! No!

Yes!

Yes. Absolutely brilliant.

(BARKS INSTRUCTIONS)

Concentrate! Concentrate!
Move it, you maggot!

Move it! Move it! Faster! Faster!

Go, go!

Yeah! Move it! Gaz!

Quicker!

(MUSIC ON SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH)

Yeah, man!

Yes! Yes!

Um... yeah, thanks for that.

I notice you've got a lot of tension
in your lower portions.

Is that why you bit my arse?

It's a new technique.

I'm here to patch things up
with my wife, Helena.

Helena?

God, you're brave!

How dare you!

Helena has a beautiful side to her
that no-one else sees.

She happens to have grace,
refinement and a rare elegance.

At times she can be delicate and demure.

At other times she can be a real lady.

(HELENA FARTS)

I made a terrible mistake letting her go
and I'm here to win her back.

Well, looks like you can tell her -
she's woke up.

Right, it's time to be bold
and get what I want in life.

Yes, it's time to be...

balls!

I mean, bold.

It's time to be big...

hairy...

bouncy...

Oh!

Bugger it!

It's OK!

I'm a physiotherapist!

So, how was it, visiting my world?

All right, yeah.

I didn't realise Runcorn
had underground cage fights.

Well, you've got to know
the right people, really.

Hilda down the post office,
she usually keeps me informed.

Well, did you enjoy it?

It was quite violent.

But that fighter
didn't get his entire ear bitten off.

Oh, I know. Maybe next time, yeah?

It was a nice afternoon.

It was good to see you
being yourself, Cassie.

Thanks.

What you doing?!

Well, we had a nice afternoon,
shouldn't we screw now?

They can watch, I don't mind.

It was a nice afternoon, but watching
two guys batter the crap out of each other

doesn't really get me in the mood to shag.

Really? Does me.

It just wasn't very romantic.

Well, you didn't want to go to
the babbling puppy meadow!

Cos that's not you.

If I'm gonna see if you have that special
something, I need to see the real you.

I can be romantic.
Come back tomorrow and I'll show you.

Billy, please give me a chance.

OK.

Awesome! I'll go get it sorted.

I can put my nipple rings back in now.
The girls feel naked without 'em.

I'm telling you,
it was absolutely amazing.

I gave this complete hunk
a full body massage

and then showered with the entire team.

Ooh, ooh-ooh! (LAUGHS)

But other than that, telling your wife
you might be straight went well.

Oh, yeah, you were right, Donna.
I couldn't deny my physical urges.

I do like men
a lot more than I like Helena.

A lot more.

Well, so now that that's sorted,
are you gonna get a nice boyfriend?

Yes. Although I might lie low for a bit.

Apparently the rugby club frowns on
people impersonating physios,

touching up their players
and stealing all theirjockstraps.

Anyway, I should get back to The Archer.

Cassie's probably burnt the place down
by now.

Or forgotten to tape Glee.

Well, look, if Gaz is there,
send him home, will you?

His next workout started five minutes go.

And if he's any later,

I'm gonna give him a thousand push-ups,
no dinner and the back of my hand.

Why are you acting like this?

Well, it's all practice
for my new managerial job.

What are you doing?

Running a slave labour camp?

You're supposed to be working in HR and
you've forgotten what the H stands for.

Haggis?

Human!

Gaz isn't a machine.

Don't talk that way about the Gaz-Bot!

He's got a wheelchair marathon on Friday
that I need him to win.

What happened to
being supportive and caring?

I am being very supportive
and very caring.

And what if Gaz loses?

Then I'll kill him.

Hmm?

With my kisses.

- So, is this romantic enough for you?
- Sure.

Romantic.

Scary.

One of the two.

You're not eating the meal I made you.

What is it?

Well, I wanted to make you something
that shows who I really am.

Are you a piece of broccoli?

No, I'm a vegetarian.

What I'm trying to say is, I wanted to
put a piece of myself on the plate.

Yeah, kinda lost my appetite.

And I thought I could sing a song
I wrote for you. That's romantic, right?

- Well, sure.
- And I got my favourite band to play it.

They're called Rectal Discharge.

Oh. Lovely.

Billy McCormack, this song
really captures how I feel about you.

(THRASH MUSIC PLAYS)

(SCREAMS) # I love you, Billy

# Raaaow

# I love you, I love you, I love you

# I love you, I love you, I love ya

# Raaaow

# Ow

# Ow. #

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

Thank you!

So, how was it?

I can't feel my ears.

Oh, God, I'm useless, aren't I?
You don't like me at all.

I do, you've got loads of personality,

and for a tiny girl,
you can't half scream loud.

But I don't know if you've got
that special something.

How's about this for a special something?

Well?

Meh!

Great(!)

I'm sorry, Cassie.

It honestly isn't you.

There's just something more I need.

I think I should go.

- Billy McCormack, you get back here now!
- What?

- Get your arse over here!
- Oh, I dunno...

- Do it, dickhead!
- All right, then!

You... you should appreciate me.

I tried so hard to make you happy.

You should get on your knees
and worship my fanny.

What... what are you doing?

Getting on my knees to worship your fanny.

You what?

You're kind of getting me going.

Are you into me bossing you about?

Maybe.

Tell me if you're into me
bossing you about!

I am, yeah.

Maybe that's the special something
I've been missing all this time.

I do like being told what to do.

Well, if I'd have known that, I would have
just said, "Snog me, you thick dick."

Kiss me some more, you giant twat bag!

Yeah, knee me in the balls
and spit in me mouth.

Was that too much?

Nah, you're all right.

(CHEERS)

(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

(CHEERING)

(GAZ PUFFS AND PANTS)

ROBOTIC VOICE: I'm shagged.

Well, what happened, Gaz?

I thought we were making progress
with your training.

(BREATHLESSLY) Well...

Well, it turns out the others
were much better than me,

right, so...

I tried to take a short cut
using me sat-nav.

But then I remembered
why I was gonna throw it away.

It doesn't pissing work.
It sent me via Manchester.

I'm sorry, love. I let you down. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I was trying to be supportive
but I pushed you too hard.

HR might as well stand for...

... "Horrible Rectum".

What does it stand for?

I still don't know.

- But come on, Gaz, let's go home, eh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on.

Oh!

Let's go.

(GAZ GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

Oh!

I didn't realise you were here.

Funny that, seeing as I live here(!)

So, did you sort everything out
with Helena?

I did, thanks.

I'm glad.

You deserve to find someone
you really want to be with.

What's going on here?

You're acting all... happy.

Did things go well with Billy?

Well, you could say that.

Cassie...

are you gonna pour hot wax
over me balls or what?

Get back in there, scum!

All right, then!

Lucky bitch.

You know...

when I was wheeling the wrong way
round the M52, I realised,

them guys who finished half a day quicker
than me, they're the cool wheelchair guys.

I can't be like that.

But I can be like I used to be.

And to do that...

I need to walk again.

I don't believe this.

Have you been inspired by
something other than porn?

Yes, I have.

I'm gonna help you walk again.

I'm gonna support you properly -
no more bossiness, just love.

Slightly bossy love.

You know, I think

- I'm gonna be a good HR manager.
- Yeah?

Yeah, I've got to sack half the staff
in the first week anyway, so...

Well, now that me training's over...

...there's a certain little thing
that I can do again.

By which I mean shag you
like a steam-hammer.

Er, I kinda worked that out.

Come here.

DONNA: Ooh!

Oh!

Ohhh!

Now, there's something
you should get a gold medal for.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Oh, yeah, Dinna.

That feels so good.