Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 9, Episode 3 - Trial Schmile - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Don't tell me.

Something's different about the place.

It's so devastating
to see your home this way,

not that you ever invited me round
before the fire.

But I imagine it looked
less shit than this.



Oh, my God! Me porn cupboard!

Move! Oh, no!

Aah!

Fanny-tastic!

Oh!

Great(!) Meanwhile,
I've lost all my clothes.

Even my Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt.

I thought that would have survived
a nuclear blast.

Maybe this fire was God's way of telling
you to replace your hideous wardrobe.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, with all the money I've
made from all the job interviews I've had

and had no replies from?

Maybe with what's left over,
I could buy a yeti(!)

You should get your insurance money,
though, soon, right?

I don't think
there's a "knobhead torches flat



"while trying to make a ham toasty"
clause in the contract.

Oi!

It was a cheese toasty.

Right, then, that should be covered(!)

Maybe this is a chance
for us to take a look at our lives.

I mean, I was sat there surrounded
by flames, thinking me number was up,

and then I realised something
really significant.

I've not nearly got shit-faced enough.

I need to organise a piss-up.

Hey, Billy, fancy getting pissed tonight?

- Go on, what d'you say?
- I dunno.

You're my mate now, it's your duty
to go on the lash with me.

I've managed to get meself a trial early
tomorrow morning with Runcorn Rovers.

It's part of me four-stage plan -

play for Runcorn, captain for England,
become the nation's hero,

sell crisps.

Oh, I see. See, I thought we were mates,
but if your career matters more

than getting wankered with me, you might
as well have just left me here to burn.

I'll go and get the petrol,
finish the job.

All right. We go out tonight
if it means that much to you.

See? You could learn
a thing or two from me.

I know how to be a good mate.

A drink might be nice.
I'm pretty nervous about that...

Yeah, whatever, Billy.

Isn't it ironic, you two losing your home,
and meanwhile, recently,

I've been asked to rent out
a dirt cheap property in the area?

That isn't ironic, Tim.
That's useful information.

Oh. Well, what does ironic mean?

- Don't know.
- Just tell me about the house.

I just assumed you wouldn't be interested.

Take me there now or die!

Ta-da!

What do you mean, "Ta-da"?
This is Janet's place.

I know. When she moved to Milton Keynes

she asked me to find
some new tenants for her.

Now, this quaint little abode
is situated in an up-and-coming area

with stunning views
of the nearby salt factory.

Knock it off, Tim!

Oi, I want to see the tour.

If you'll allow me
to take you into the kitchenette.

We don't need to be taken
into the kitchenette.

We have seen the kitchenette.

I lost my virginity to a trucker
on the washing machine...

...in that bloody kitchenette.

I'm sensing you're not happy
with the property, Donna.

Oh, what gave it away?

My clenched teeth? My clenched fists?

My clenched fanny?

Don't you think
it would be weird moving in here?

How would we get you up the stairs?

It would be like the Krypton Factor
twice a day.

You could put a mattress
here in the dining area and sleep on that.

Well, that sounds glamorous(!)

The toilet's upstairs too.

You could employ a temporary
portable commode.

What?

He wants you to crap in a bucket.

Oh, I can do that.

Come on, Donna, it's not like
we've got much choice.

Great(!)

No job, no money, no clothes,
sleeping in Janet's dining room,

clearing out your slop bucket.

I've lost everything.

Yeah, I've lost everything, it's all gone.

(TEARFULLY) There's nothing left.

(SCREAMS) Nothing!

Aren't you a bit worried by this?

Nah, nah. Honestly, mate, I can crap
in a bucket like nobody's business.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hello, beloved brother.

Oh God, this is it, isn't it?

This is when you kill me.

No. I thought we could
spend some special time together.

I'd rather you just killed me.

OK, I'll be honest.

The other night I was out cow tipping

and then this vicious gang
of psycho Hell's Angels turned up.

Good God! What happened?

We had a right laugh!

They said I could join their gang if
I ditched me BMX, so I need a motorbike.

And how are you gonna pay
for such a stupidity?

I thought you could get one for me.

Ah, did you?

Well, I'm not gonna waste my cash
on such frippery!

I've got sensible and more important
things to be spending my money on.

I'm saving up to see Cher in Vegas.

OK, how about you pay for my hog

or I'll tell the whole of Runcorn
a terrible secret about you?

Are you trying to blackmail me?

Yeah! It always seemed
the kind of thing I'd be good at

if my heart didn't belong to petty arson.

Well, good luck with that
cos I don't have any secrets.

Which secret are we talking about exactly?

The one that you're ashamed of, the one
that haunts your every waking moment,

the one you pray may never be discovered.

You don't have one, do you?

- Or do I?
- Do you?

No.

Donna, why have you got your muff out?

I have no clothes.

But I need them not.

And why are you talking like Yoda?

The fire has freed me.

All my life I've been concerned
with possessions and money,

and now that I've lost it all,
I feel so calm.

I feel close to Utopia.

What, that gay club in town?

Utopia is an idyllic state of being, Gaz.

And also a gay club.

Right. Well, as much as
I'd love to listen to your guff,

and stare at your muff,
I'm off to see Billy.

We're gonna get twatted tonight.

Don't forget about his football trial.

Beware your selfishness,
embrace selflessness.

(AS YODA) Mm, the bollocks
is strong with you.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Right, you, cover your shame.

And your tits.

- Come in.
- Hi, Gaz. I'm here to see Donna.

- Well, watch out.
- Why?

Nah, you never know, you might enjoy it.
Stranger things have happened.

Oh, God, Donna.

Oh, God, Donna!

Why are you in the raw?

Well, I've been freed
from the shackles of clothing,

what with them all being burnt to buggery.

So, what troubles you, young Tim?

Well, my evil sister's
trying to blackmail me.

I've tried to play it cool
but I've got more skeletons in my closet

than I have fabulous scarves.

Well, the only man with something to fear
is the one with something to hide.

You must reveal yourself
and you will be free-ee-ee.

I'm sorry, love.

You might like to get it all out
but no-one's seeing my tinky-winky.

I'm not talking about your cock, you cock.

You must tell everyone your secrets

and Cassie will have nothing
to threaten you with.

Well, it's an idea. Thanks, Donna.

Mm-hm. Peace be with you.

And a bikini wax be with you.

Right.

Time to find some blackmail material.

Just like Miss Marple.

No, not Miss Marple.

Miss... Bastard.

Yeah!

A-ha!

This melon
is slightly past its sell-by date.

Yeah, that's crap.

Come on, your dumb-arse brother
must have something he's ashamed of.

Oh, my God! Is that...?

Oh, yeah, that's mine.

Chuffin' jackpot!

Hey! Strap yourself in tight, my son.

The Gaz Express is picking up speed,
and when it gets going,

it'll be like a ride at Alton Towers.

Why's that?

Well, I'll be sat down the whole time

and you're gonna chuck your guts up!

(LAUGHS) Spending time with you is great,

but I can't stay out late
and I shouldn't really drink.

In fact, I probably
shouldn't have come out at all, like.

Then why did you, eh?
Don't do me any favours.

Cos you threatened
to set yourself on fire.

Oh, yeah.
Didn't seem so dramatic at the time.

Well, just take it easy.

I had trials myself for Runcorn Rovers
back in the day.

They practically begged me
to sign for them.

It was embarrassing. I had to walk away.

I mean, I didn't want being a rich,
successful footballer

getting in the way
of me being a... mechanic.

Hey, brother, I've got just the piece
of juicy gossip I wanted.

Now, cough up the wonga for my Honda.

I'll do no such thing.
I'm putting an end to your little scheme.

Everyone,
there's something you need to know.

I never thought I'd admit this,
but I am not a natural brunette.

I'm more of a chestnut sunset.

Er, Tim, that's not what I was...

And, yes, I dye downstairs too.

The curtains match the carpet.

That's great, if disgusting,

but that's not the secret
I've got over you.

Oh, bollocks.

Sorry, everyone. Me again.

I have to confess
I once put a cat in a wheelie bin.

I eat my own toenails.

I voted for One Direction.

Damn you, Cassie.
Whatever you've got on me, I don't care.

Oh, Tim, how's your wife?

Helena's fine.

She's on a nationwide rugby tour.

See, I didn't even know
she played women's rugby.

She doesn't.
She's made it onto the men's team.

All seems a little hard to believe,

especially considering the e-mail
I read from her earlier.

- You saw that?
- Little tip.

Remember to sign off.
Oh, and now your Facebook says,

"Timothy Claypole has a cock
like a cheesy Wotsit."

So, about my motorbike.

Billy, come on. You've been nursing
that lady pint for an hour.

Get a proper man's jar down your neck.

I told you,
I can't have any more drinks, Gaz.

I'm gonna be wasted
for this trial tomorrow.

This is our mate time.
I can't get pissed on my own.

Well, yeah, I can.

And I do.

Quite often, actually.

Probably got a drink problem.

You're not even drunk at all.

I dunno, I feel kind of squiffy.

Squiffy? It's not even a word.

Billy, me boy, a few little drinks
aren't gonna work.

I will personally make sure under
no circumstances do you get wasted.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shi-i-i-it!

Are you Jesus?

You look daft.

I don't think you're really in a position
to dole out fashion critiques.

It looks like you had fun.

Or you mugged a transvestite builder
in a kebab shop.

Are you wearing a sheet?

I had to succumb
to Western demands for clothing.

I nearly got arrested in the Co-op
for indecent exposure.

And a Great Dane got...

...overfamiliar with me.

- (TEXT ALERT BEEP)
- Loud, loud, loud, loud! Shut up.

Oh, no. It's from Billy.

Shouldn't he be at his football trial?

Billy got pissed.

He's wound up on a barge in Salford.

Missed his trial by three hours.

Oh, Gary.

I feared this would happen.

Oi, it's not my fault
he ended up on a barge.

Although I do kind of remember telling him
it'd be funny to get on a barge.

You have to put this right.

Aren't you worried about channelling
negative energy into the cosmos?

Not really.

Then aren't you bothered
about letting down your new friend?

All right, all right, all right!

For someone who's at peace with
the universe, you ain't half nagging me.

Right, I'll go and see
if they'll give Billy another trial.

I mean, after all,
I am the master of cunning.

D'you know what?

I'm really enjoying restoring
cosmic balance. I am like the Buddha.

Or that bloke off Quantum Leap.

I am gonna spread my message of peace
and love to the people of Runcorn.

Right.

Have fun getting your head kicked in.

Here you are - your own motorbike,

earned through dirty,
underhand tactics. Happy now?

Yeah, I am. (GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)

But how did you afford it?

I doubt you really care.

I had to use my holiday fund.

Well, Cher will still be there
in another ten years' time.

She'll be made entirely of plastic,
but she'll still be there.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Just promise me
you won't tell anyone what you know.

God, you really are desperate
to keep your secret.

It's my private life
and I want to keep it private.

- Even you knowing it bothers me.
- That's pretty sad.

Yes, well, welcome to my sad little life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat
my whole body weight in Jaffa Cakes.

Whoo!

Looking good, hippy tits.

I have come to spread
my message of peace and love,

and you seem like the prime candidate.

Seriously, are you high?

I'm only high on life.

- And weed?
- A little, yes.

I have come to remove
any guilt that you may feel

from blackmailing your brother.

Whaa, whaa!

I don't feel guilty. It's not my fault
he's got all those shameful secrets.

Tim gave you a job
and a roof over your head.

You should be helping him,
not threatening him.

You're right. I'll force him to tell
his secret whether he likes it or not.

Yeah, that's not really
what I had in mind.

Probably should have offered
peace and love

to someone who isn't bezzie mates
with Beelzebub.

D'you know what?
At least I am who I say I am,

whereas you, you're not fooling anyone
with your tree-hugging bullshit.

Ah! Well, you are lucky
that I am calm and centred,

otherwise I'd rip your tits off
and I'd smash your teeth in.

But that's not who I am now.

Hear me, brothers and sisters.

Give up your superficial lives as I have.

- # Money, money, money... #
- Oh, it's me.

Hello, Donna Henshaw.

...Yeah, a job interview?

...Yeah, I can come this afternoon, yeah.

The universe must want me to show you
the futility of your corporate pursuits.

...All right, love, I'll see you in a bit.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes?

Hello. Hiya. I'm... I'm Gaz Wilkinson.

I'm here about the trials
you were having today.

I'm sorry, son...

...but I don't think you're quite
what we're looking for.

Unless you're bloody good at heading.

Not me, stupid.

I'm here about Billy McCormack.

McCormack.

He was supposed to come and see me
at seven this morning,

but he didn't show up.

Yeah, that was because of me.
You can't blame Billy for that.

I know how hard it is to get on the books
here. I had trials here.

Oh, yeah, thought I recognised you.

Yeah, well,
I didn't get a fair chance either.

I'd be playing for England
and banging Cheryl Cole by now

if it weren't for you lot.

As I recall,

you missed your trial
because you were pissed and overslept.

But you can't judge Billy like you did me.

We're totally different people.

So why did he miss his trial?

He got pissed and overslept.

Shut the door on your way out, son.

Please, please, just...
just give him another chance.

I'll make it worth your while.

How much are we talking?

No, I'm not talking about cash. I'm skint.

No, I was, um...

I'll give you my Morrisons loyalty card.

Two more points,
you can get a free chicken.

- No.
- I'll lend you me porn.

- Get out.
- It's good stuff.

German. It's banned in six countries.
It's very artistic.

Out!

No, no, actually. No.

I've got something I know
will make you give him another trial.

...You said what?

I said that if he didn't give you
another trial,

I'd tell everyone that he touched me.

Touched you where?

Players' lounge.

No, where on your body?

Me cock, of course.

So what did he say?
Have I got another trial?

Well, yes and no.

No in the sense that

I've got a life ban from the club and
he never wants to see either of us again.

And yes?

Yes if you get
reconstructive facial surgery...

...and went as David Beckham.

It's all right. Thanks for trying, mate.

It's not the end of the world.

My four-point plan
probably was a bit daft.

Yeah, it was a bit.

I guess I just liked the thought
of earning enough cash

to look after me ma.

- I was being silly.
- You weren't being silly, Billy.

I mean, silly...

Billy.

Plus, it was a chance to prove something
to me dad.

He always said I'd achieve nothin'
and end up being a waster.

- Sounds like my dad.
- Even if I hadn't gotten anywhere,

at least I'd know
I tried to do the thing I love.

Still, we had fun last night.

Like you said, you taught me

how to be a good friend
and be there for you,

and it's nice to know that
you'll always be here for me too, Gaz.

Gaz?

You look miserable.

No, I'm all right.
I'm just a massive failure. It's cool.

Could I get a whisky?

You don't seem too happy yourself.

Me? I'm fine.

I'm just a jolly barman.

People don't want to see me being sad,
they just want me to pour their drinks.

You're more than just a barman.

You can't live a life
pretending to be something you're not.

It works for 50 Cent.

I hear he's actually a ginger bloke
called Kevin.

You should try being honest.

Nah, I'm fine.

I've always got my Jaffa Cakes.

Can I have another?
I could do with a large one.

Me too.

I've pimped my snack.

You!

I know, I know, we didn't exactly
hit it off last time.

You tried to bribe me and then
accused me of sexual harassment.

You work in football.
That's a normal day for you.

I have a good mind to chuck you
out that window, son.

Please, please, just hear me out, please.

Billy's a good bloke.

I know he's thick as shite
but he's a great footballer.

I just don't want him to be a failure
like me.

- I'm sure you're not a failure, son.
- Huh.

You know, I wanted to be a footballer,
have everything that goes with it.

Trophies and...

women and money.

Women.

Women.

Now I'm just a crap mechanic,

burnt his flat down
and stuck in a wheelchair.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

There, there. There, there.

Thanks.

- Oh, my God, look, you're doing it again!
- What?

Putting your big, sweaty, manly paws
all over me.

Even if I had, nobody'd believe you.

OK, OK. I'll give him a call
and make another bloody trial, all right?

He can come round at four this afternoon.

- Really?
- On one condition.

That I never, ever see you again,
you bloody bampot!

All right, you've been most reasonable.
Thank you.

Thank you for coming in, Miss Henshaw.
It's been very useful.

That was my simple aim.

I came not to impress but to enlighten.

It's interesting to meet someone with
your level of experience who's so calm.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUM)

(DING!)

Well, this has been groovy,
but I must depart.

Donna, this is a bit radical
but we'd like to offer you the job.

You what?

We need a manager who can bring
tranquillity to our workplace.

But I don't want to be
your corporate lackey.

I've been freed
from materialistic concerns.

We can offer you
an additional 5,000 a year.

Money attracts me not.

Plus a company car
and a clothing allowance.

I...

I would not want that.

And this pen.

I'll take it. Things, things, things!
Give me all the things, all the things.

All right? What's happened to you?

I got a new job with loads of money.

I am going to be a high-flying
HR manager in the exotic world

of chemical waste disposal!

What happened to all the inner peace?

Stuff that. Look at me shoes!

Hey, have you seen Billy?
I've got some good news for him.

Excuse me, everybody. My brother
has a secret he needs to tell you all.

What are you doing? I haven't got
any more money to give you.

This isn't about money any more.

You can't keep all these secrets.

I tried to hide things in prison,
but then the guards would come in

with those rubber gloves and find 'em.

Let me be your anal cavity search.

And have everyone judge me?

Screw them, they can think what they like.

Look, if you don't tell them, I will.

Fine.

The fact is, I've not been
completely honest about where Helena is.

She isn't really on a rugby tour.

I knew she wouldn't be on a man's
rugby team. That was ridiculous.

No, no, that part's true.
They're just not on tour.

We've been having some difficulties
in our relationship

and the fact of the matter is,

she's left me.

She's left me and she's not coming back.

Ah. Don't you feel better,
admitting the truth?

She's not coming back because...

I'm gay.

- What?
- What?

What?

Tim's just come out.

Oh. Oh, all right.

I know this must be a shock to you all.

I didn't know that's why Helena left.

I thought things just weren't working out
between you two.

Yes, because I'm a big gay.

And you must be annoyed
you can't blackmail me over it.

Hey, I wouldn't do that.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm actually a bit proud of you
for admitting it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Not so much that you dye your pubes
and listen to One Direction, though.

- So, you're sure you're gay?
- Oh, yes.

It's always felt like something
inside me wasn't content,

like my soul was undernourished.

Plus, I couldn't stop thinking about cock!

- And I should thank you, Donna.
- You should?

Yeah.

Because seeing you with no clothes on
and feeling nothing but mild disgust

really hammered home my feelings.

You're welcome.

Well, I always knew you were gay, mate.

Really? What gave it away?

Just...

everything you said and did.

Well, thank you
for being such wonderful friends.

My new life begins here.

I'll start with a Malibu and Diet Coke.

Looks like his new life's
quite a lot like his old one.

Hey, Billy. I bring good news.

Right? I got you another trial today.

See? Told you I was a good mate.

Trial schmile.

Billy, they're expecting you
in an hour and a half.

It's all right. I'll make...

So, how are you gonna fix this, Gaz?

Cassie, Cassie.

Go and accuse Runcorn Rovers' manager
of sexual harassment,

get Billy another trial.

D'you know what?
I don't think blackmail's really for me.

I'll get Billy to shag you.

Yeah, all right.

See? Master of cunning.