Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 9, Episode 2 - Cheese Toastie - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Donna!

What now, Gaz? I'm not scratching
your bollocks again.

I've already got a layer
of your scrotum under my nails.

No. No, no.
It's something important this time.

- Will you change the channel for me?
- You're holding the remote(!)



Yeah, but the buttons are all pushy.

For God's sakes, Gaz.

What?!
You said you'd do everything for me.

Yes, but I didn't realise
how humiliating that would be.

You're acting like you can't
do anything for yourself!

I am a disabled.

But you're still capable.

I don't want to be wiping your arse
for you.

I'd rather help with the more
important things that you can't manage.

Like wiping your arse!

I need help.

You don't need help,
you want a slave.

Basically, yes.

If you can't be bothered,
you can hire me a nurse.



Hey, hey! She could be like that
Barbara Windsor in the Carry On films.

No, no, sod it. She could be like
Barbara Windsor now - I still would.

Ooh, the filthy bitch!

Well, you had a carer - Billy -
and you told him to piss off.

Yeah, because he was mental.

Do you know what he said to me
the other day?

"You look nice."

Yes, it's called being affectionate,
Gaz. Remember, you tried it once. Yeah.

After a shag you slapped me on the arse
and said, "Good job, buddy."

I know, I can be a right soppy twat
sometimes.

He was just trying to be your mate.

Yes, well, I like me blokes
to act like blokes, not Billys.

And I like me nurses to be dirty sluts.

Well, you're not getting a nurse.

You gave up that entitlement
by sacking Billy.

Oh, can't we just hire one?

We can't afford to go private.

We've got no money coming in,
what with me having no job.

Well, just go and sign on.

No! I'm the breadwinner now,
out there winning bread.

It's a matter of pride.

Home pride.

You and your pride.

It's pride is what's stopping you
emptying out me piss bottles.

Look, Gaz, I'm gonna get a job
and some money,

and I'm gonna make sure
everything's sorted.

Ah, is that cos you love me?

No, because otherwise
I'm gonna take your piss bottles,

fill the bath with them
and then drown you in it!

What about me, eh?

At least put something more wank-worthy
on the telly!

TV: And coming up next,
it's those loose women...

You got lucky!

What's up, Billy? You've got a face
like a slapped arse -

distressed, but appealing nonetheless.

It's this stuff with Gaz.
I don't like not being liked, like.

Everyone likes me.

Normally, I flash someone a smile

and a cheeky wink,
and they're putty in me hands.

Yeah, right.

(GIGGLES)

I've got to make Gaz me mate.

Oh, come on, Billy!

Life's too short to worry
that a couple of people don't like you.

- Who else doesn't like me?!
- I like you, Billy!

I figured that
when you followed me into the toilet.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, my days! I like him so much.

Well, go on, make your move.

Pounce on him like
Catherine Zeta-Jones on a pensioner.

Yeah, well, I appreciate
your stupid advice,

but go shove it
up your flapping arsehole.

Hi, Tim, how's it going?

Give me a job. I need a job.
Give me my old job back.

I'm sorry, Donna,
I've got no need for any more staff.

I've got an excellent new barmaid.

Cassie.

- She's like Attila the Hun on the blob.
- Yeah, well...

I can't disagree, but I've realised that
she only treats people badly

because of how she feels about herself.

As her caring big brother,

I'm rebuilding her confidence
by letting her work here.

It's really improving her people skills.

I told you, you gave me a tenner,
not a twenty, you spunking knobhead!

Yeah, she seems much friendlier(!)

Have you got any spare shifts for a worker
who knows how to be nice to people?

- Hiya, Donna, babe.
- (SHOUTS) Piss off, Billy!

Please, Tim.

Why are you so desperate?

l-l-I'm... l-l-I'm not desperate.

I just need to find a job
so I don't have to look after Gaz.

But I can't leave him on his own all day.

Why don't you ask Billy?

I mean, he's so caring
it makes my labia-piercing tingle.

Gaz hates Billy.

Yeah, but it's only for a day,
and you're desperate.

I am fairly desperate.

Billy. How are you?

Hello? Hiya, yeah, I'm looking
for a home-help nurse.

Preferably double jointed.

And, er, could she be Brazilian?

Could she have a Brazilian?

Look, just send a fit bird over

who's willing to work for
two quid a day, all right?

Hello...

Hello?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

That was quick.
Didn't even give them the address.

- Come in!
- All right, babe?

Oh, for God's sake!

How's the sexiest thing on wheels
since the Fiat Cinquecento?

What are you doing 'ere?

I'm here to look after you.

You're nothing like what I asked for.
You don't have a Brazilian... do you?

Nah. I tried it once, though.
Made me junk look like a frozen turkey.

Well, that's ruined me Christmas dinner.

Donna sent me to take care of you again.

But I hate you.

Ah, no, she said you don't hate me,
you just need to get used to me.

See, that's what she said about
sticking her finger up my arse.

She kind of had a point with that one,
but she doesn't with you, right?

I don't want you here being some
weird, womanly manly man.

How am I womanly, babe?

You call me babe,
you keep complimenting me,

you shave your pubes,
and you're a nurse!

Oh, that stuff.

Fine, then. I'll just...
You know... It's just...

Oh, please, Gaz,
you've got to be me mate, mate.

It's doing me head in you don't like me.
Everyone likes me.

Please? I'll do anything
to make you happy.

Anything? Like a slave?

I guess, though I'm not sure
I like being called a slave.

Silence, Slave.

Right. Empty out my piss bottle.

Go on!

Miss Henshaw?

Yeah, hi. That is, yes, hello.
Good afternoon, even.

Donna Henshaw?

- Yeah, that's me.
- Amy Evans.

No, Donna Henshaw. Come on, love,
it can't be that hard.

No, I'm Amy Evans.

- We were at school together.
- We were?

Yeah!

Oh, what would jog your memory?

Donna Henshaw,
you're a scag and a slag,

your mum's a prozzie,
and you buy your clothes at C&A.

Amy! Of course! I didn't recognise you
without you throwing eggs at me.

You were such a laugh,
always shouting...

"One day I'll show you! I'm better
than you, you thick bitches!" (LAUGHS)

Yes, that does sound like
something I'd say.

Um, well,
you're doing well for yourself.

Yeah! Shame I can't say the same for you.

No, n-no, no, no.
No, I'm not here to sign on.

No, I'm just... I'm seeking
to continue my successful career

after generously taking time out
to look after my very handsome

and well-hung boyfriend.

I see.

It looks like we don't have
anything to suit your "skill set",

so why don't you apply for
Jobseeker's Allowance?

Just until something more suitable
comes along.

If it ever does.

Something will come along.

I am highly employable. Highly!
I don't need your charity.

I don't belong in a shit-hole like this.

Have you seen the people
who come in here?!

They reek of cider and they can
barely stand on their hind legs.

Those are my work colleagues.

I see.

They still reek of cider, though.

What you looking at, knob-eyes?

I'm curious. Why didn't you
catapult yourself at Billy

when you had the chance earlier?

Well, maybe I didn't want
your giant moon of a face

watching me while I did.

You are scared of making
a move on him, aren't you?

You're more terrified
than James Corden is of Ryvita.

You really are insecure.

I'm not insecure.

I won Miss Young Offenders 2010...

though I did hospitalise
most of the other contestants.

Isn't it funny?

Growing up,
you always seemed so confident -

sitting on my head
and punching me in the balls.

But now I see, beyond the thorns
there lies a delicate flower.

You take that back, dump pit!

You're sensitive and charmingly meek.

Billy would be lucky to have
a girl like you.

Don't be thick.
He's not interested in me.

But you've got loads of things
going for you.

You're forceful. You're stern.
You're forcefully stern.

Billy flirts with everyone but me.
I'm just not hot enough.

Look, if it's your appearance you're
worried about, we can sort that out!

(GASPS) I could give you a makeover.
You could see my Gok!

Ugh, rank!

My Gok Wan, stupid.

(AS GOK) It's all about the confidence!

You really are a cock.

You mean Gok.

No.

Come on, Slave,
try and be more comfortable.

Sorry.

Sorry, what?

Sorry, Master.

No.

Sorry, Gaz, Master of the Universe.

That's better. Why did you want to
become a nurse, anyway?

Didn't you want a more manly job?

I did wanna be
a professional footballer,

but me dad said I was a dreamer
and I should find real work,

so I figured I'd go for the next
most obvious job and become a nurse.

Oh? Why didn't you just have
a fanny put in while you were at it?

- Stupid, snooty, stuck-up bitch.
- Who is?

Gary Barlow.

- Hi, Billy, how's it going?
- Permission to speak.

Not that well, thanks, babe.

There's nothing I can do
that'll make Gaz like me.

Dinner's almost ready.

Hey! We call it lunch in this flat.

You call it dinner all the time.

Don't try and make me look stupid

while I'm trying to make
Billy look stupid, right?

Honestly, Donna, I'm telling you,
he's a twat!

Look, please just try and be
nicer to Billy.

Can't you just look after me?

(SCOFFS) And how would we live without
any money coming in?

Well, just sign on.

Hey, then you could be me slave!
I'll get you like a dog collar and lead.

Can you really imagine me
doing nothing more with my life

than wearing a dog collar
and parading around on all fours?

You can imagine that, can't you?

Oh, yeah...

Well, stop it!

Because it's not gonna happen.
Do you know what?

I'm gonna get a job. I'll show you -
I'll get the best job ever!

I'll be like that woman
off The Apprentice.

"Lord Sugar will see you now."

Fine, go on, you leave me
with this idiot, right?

But nothing he ever does is gonna be
good enough for me. Nothing!

What's that?

Cheese toastie.

My God, it smells amazing.

Oh, my God, Billy! Oh!
That is like...

It's like creamy liquid love's
exploded in my mouth.

You have to grate the cheese
to get it like that,

but I was willing to make
the extra effort, since it's for you.

Billy, you're amazing.

I should give you another chance.
I mean, you're good at one thing.

Oooh!

Wey-ey! One step at a time, Sailor.

Come on, then, sister, let's see you!

What are you doing?

I thought I told you
to be in your bra and knickers

so I could assess your body!

And I told you to get painfully stuffed,
you freak.

I'm noticing a lot of aggression here,
Cassie.

Where's your femininity? It's like
you've forgotten how to be a woman.

Well, of course I have! I've
been in young offenders' half my life.

If I acted like a woman,
I'd either be beat up or felt up.

Sometimes both...

(CHUCKLES) Brenda...

Then we must rediscover your inner diva.
Hmm. Let me see you walk.

Have you shat yourself?!

Here, look at how I do it.

Now do your womanly walk(!)

Hmm, maybe we should focus
on the clothes.

Here, try these dresses on.

(SIGHS) I bought them for Helena.

Turns out spaghetti straps
doesn't really work with her biceps.

Why am I going along with this?

Because you want to ride Billy
like a winter toboggan.

Yeah!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

That's it! I can't get any work.

I tried to get a job

at a make-up counter,
but they said my skin was too greasy,

and then I tried to get a job at Wimpy,
and they said I wasn't greasy enough!

So, you finally ready to sign on?

No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to look really poor.

Oh, Donna! Life's not just about
how things look.

Good God, you look awful!

Get back in there and try
the other dresses on. You monster!

You monster! Oh!

Well, it's not just that.

If I sign on, it's like admitting
I've got no purpose in life.

Oh, you would have a purpose -
taking care of Gaz.

Oh! God, you're right.

I need to look after Gaz,

so the first step is getting rid of Billy
before Gaz kills him.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

And if he's already killed him,
I can help Gaz dispose of the corpse.

And it'd be nice to do something together.

Ah, that warms my heart,
that really does(!)

Oh, Donna, before you go, would you like
a confidence-building makeover

to help you realise
how beautiful you truly are?

I think I'll pass.

Fat bitch!

Come on, Gaz, give it a go,
I reckon you'd enjoy it.

I dunno. Won't it make me less of a man?

Hey, if two guys like each other
and want to experiment with something,

that's perfectly natural.

All right, all right, all right,
I'll give it a go.

(EXHALES)

You all right, babe?

There you go! You're pretty good at it.

Now suck my cock!

(LAUGHS AND MUTTERS)

I'm only joking!

It's not that bad, is it,
being a modern man?

I mean, we're still blokes, aren't we?

Course we are!
Do you want a manicure, by the way?

Yeah, yeah, go on.

Right, Billy, sling it.
Gaz doesn't like you!

BOTH: You all right, babe?

W-What's... What's going on?

I'm just hanging with my buddy.

You like Billy now?

Yeah, he's kind of growing on me.

(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT) He's dead sound!

But you said he was a prick.
We agreed he was a prick.

- Um...
- Shut up, you prick.

Don't talk to him like that.
He's all right. It's all right, babe.

Thanks, babe!

You're welcome, babe.

B-But I was going to look after you.

I was going to be caring.
(SHOUTS) I was going to make a sacrifice!

Ow! Stop hitting me!

It's like being hit by a tiny,
annoying Barry McGuigan.

You said you didn't want to look after me!

Well, no...

You said you wanted to be the breadwinner.

Well, yeah.

Right, so, you can go and sort
our money out, like you were going to.

Right, fine.

I'll be off, then, to swallow my pride

and make an absolute cock of myself.

Well, see you, then.

Right, go on, where's this manicure?
I'm starving.

Back so soon?

Yes. I don't want to do this,

but I need to make a sacrifice
for the sake of my relationship.

- Do what, Donna?
- I need help.

I'm skint, properly skint.

Passing-off-dog-food-as-chilli-con-carne
skint.

So I guess I need to sign on,
though I really don't want to.

I see.

My life's a mess.

My only two friends have buggered off,
I'm struggling to take care of Gaz,

and it's all getting on top of me.

- Donna...
- And at school,

I was a scag, but I wasn't a slag...

...because I was too much of a scag.

You can stop now, Donna.

I can't help it.

I've been denying this stuff for so long.

I've been acting all proud...

and I've got nothing to be proud of.

You are perfect for the dole. Sign here.

Maybe things aren't so bad.

I mean, we've got a bit of money
coming in, again.

Life's not completely shit.

And here's the amount of benefit
that you'll be entitled to a week.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Shit!

How are you enjoying your film,
babe?

Dance, Billy. Dance,
you Geordie bastard, dance.

OK, but you know I'm from Liverpool.

No, I'm talking about Billy Elliot!
You know, you're just like him.

Cos I'm called Billy, too.

No, no, no. His dad didn't
believe in his dreams, either.

You should follow your heart
and try playing footie full time.

Oh, I dunno...

Oh, come on! You've already got
the body of an athlete.

Eh?

Well, you taught me a man can pay another
man a compliment without it being weird.

You're the one to talk. You need
a licence for those guns, babe.

Ah, these... tiny things!

Nah, I'm top-heavy.

You've got the powerful thighs
for sprinting after the ball.

And your arse... your arse...

Yeah?

Your arse is like your face, arseface.

Eh? What's up, babe? What have I done?

You've tried to turn me into you!
I'm nothing like you!

I'm like Chuck Norris
or Stephen the seagull.

I don't tell blokes
they've got nice arses,

I don't say "babe" and I hate hugs.

Sounds like you need a hug.

- I need you to leave.
- I thought we were getting on?

Yeah, well, we weren't, so piss off,
you... fairy across the Mersey.

All right, then, I'll see you, b...
See you, Gaz.

Yeah, go on! I should never have gone
along with this in the first place, right?

I don't need looking after, I'm a bloke.

And you can piss off an' all,
you twinkle-toed Geordie twat.

Come on, Cassie. Billy's here
and he's looking even more miserable.

Seal the friggin' deal!

CASSIE: I'm not sure about this outfit!

Oh, come on! You look just like the
kind of woman that'd get me excited!

See! Don't you feel confident?

I feel like a clown.

Like a confident clown.

Come on, just get over there

and use the power of Gaga
before I put you in a dress made of meat.

Hello.

- Surprise!
- Ah!

W-W-Was that a good "ah"?

Are you supposed to be
Elton John in drag?

No!

Are you supposed to be
that mad transsexual

who shadow-boxes in the park?

- No.
- Are you supposed to be...?

How about you stop guessing?

Donna! What's up with you?

I am being what I have become -
dole scum.

Strong cider?

I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.

Either buy a drink in here or get out!

I can't afford your extortionate prices!

I will have you know, I am saving up for
a Rottweiler on a string.

Anyway, shouldn't you be with Gaz?

Why? He's got Billy now.

No, he hasn't, Billy's right there.

Right, I am just pissed and brave enough
to tell him exactly what I think of him.

(SHOUTS) Hey, Billy!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Tim.

Lady G.

God, I was so worried about Gaz not liking
me, but it's like everyone hates me.

No, they don't. And you shouldn't
need everyone to like you.

If Gaz hates you, it's cos he's a twat.

I think you're amazing.

- Do you really feel that way?
- Well, yeah.

- I've been so blind not to see it.
- Really?

Yeah. Gaz is a twat.

I'm not the one with the problem,
he is - the twat.

I'm going to go and tell him right now!

Oh, and... thanks, love.

Well, that was
a miserable waste of time!

You weren't wearing that dress
with any confidence.

I thought I'd made you feel
good about yourself,

you useless cow.

He called me love!

He loves me!

Stupid, pissing Billy.
Thinks I can't do...

I tell you what, I'm going to make
a toastie, better than he ever did.

- (GAS HISSES)
- Right, get some bread.

(HISSING CONTINUES)

(MUTTERS)

Argh! Agh!

Oh, Jesus! Oh, shit!

(BLOWS)

Oh, shit! Ooh! Bollocks!

Oh, shit! (BLOWS) Oh!

OK, um... OK, that's a fire. Um...

OK, I need help now. Um, help!

Help! Help!

- (CLANG)
- (BELCH)

(SNIFFS)

Who's burning toast?

Oh... My chuffing flat!

My chuffing boyfriend!

G-Gaz! Help!

Donna, what's going on?

Jesus, Donna, your flat's on fire!

I know, and Gaz is still in there.

What?!

(SHOUTS) Billy, don't be a hero,
don't be a fool!

Call the fire brigade!

Fire! Send everyone! Send the Army!

Send Doctor Who!

(SHOUTS) Gaz! Gaz!

(COUGHING)

Gaz!

Gaz, are you... Gaz!

I've got you, Gaz, you're safe now.

- (THUD)
- (GROANS)

Ooh, sorry, Gaz.

You dick!

- You could say thank you to Billy.
- What for?

For saving your life.

He didn't even bother to put the fire out.

He went back in
and got your wheelchair out!

Which is now slightly singed.

Billy, get over 'ere!

Gaz has got something
he wanted to say to you.

Come on.

Thank you for saving my life.

That's all right.
Sorry I was a bit full-on with you,

I was just hoping
I could make you like me.

No, I do like you. You're just...

You know, you're a good guy.

You're just not as blokey
as the other blokes I know.

Now this is how you wear an outfit
with confidence.

You could have done
your bikini line first.

Ooh! Oh, nobody look at me!

I'm an abomination! I'm disgusting!
I'm disgusting! Ooh!

You're not as blokey
as most of the blokes that I know.

But, you know, I do appreciate you
getting me out of the fire. Thanks.

No probs. You made me realise
what I want to do with me life.

What, look after people?

Nah, you kind of nearly died on me watch.
I'm rubbish.

So, I'm going to give up nursing,
I'm gonna try and be a footballer!

Cos God knows

this country has far too many
trained health-care professionals

and not nearly enough
overpaid sportsmen(!)

I know, yeah.

So, we're good?

Yeah, you're all right, chum.

Well, go on,
you can try a bit harder than that.

All right, come here!

Ooh!

I'll get the drinks in!

Did he just kiss me?!

Let it go.

Hi, Billy. So you and Gaz are mates now?

Yeah, it's nice to know someone
likes you, isn't it, Katie?

It's Cassie, dickhead.

(WHISPERS) I love you!

Do you know,
maybe this fire was a good thing.

I mean, after all,
it's helped me make a new friend.

- Now, don't that make it all worthwhile?
- Worthwhile?

Um, you're mates with somebody

that you could've been friends
with anyway,

and now we are homeless...

...broke,

all of our possessions
have gone up in smoke.

So, I don't know. You... you tell me,

how in the hell that's worthwhile?!

Pissing Billy!