Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 9, Episode 1 - Nil by Muff - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Thanks, Billy.
You can just put him anywhere.

Oi! I'm not a fridge.

Do you need a hand getting out your chair?

No.

I just want to help.



- How about I take you to the loo?
- No!

I can scratch that for you, if you like.

Are you taking the piss?

I do it for some of my older patients.

I've even got a special stick.

Why is he still here?

He's trying to give you a hand.
It's his job.

I don't need a hand,
especially his robbing Scouse hands!

Have you checked your purse?

Don't be offensive!

Go on, go on, sling it!

Time for me to give me woman the red-hot
shafting she's been waiting months for.

(SCOFFS) Don't listen to him.

Although he does have a point.
Thanks for everything. Bye, Billy!



No probs, babe!

If you need a hand, I'm happy
to help you with absolutely anything.

Oh, and, Gaz, if you ever need
a go of my testicle-tickling stick...

Get him out!

Thanks, Billy. Bye.

What do you mean, "Thanks for everything"?
He's done sod all!

He was teaching me how to look after you
when we got back here, which is why...

# Check out, check out, check out
Check out the handrails...

# Check out, check out, check out
Check out the bedpan

# Check out, check out
Check out, check out

# The leaflet for Stannah Stairlifts. #

I don't need any of that stuff.
Nothing's really changed.

(CLEARS THROAT) Right, of course.

And now I'm going to shag you
till your nose falls off.

Are you sure about this?

Oh, the things I'm gonna do to you!

Don't worry, Gaz.

It happens to every man at some point.

What, they fall off the bed...

...knock over a bedside cabinet,
piss everywhere and start crying?

We just need to try another technique.

You know, like try not to leap on me.

Maybe... crawl...

...or waddle.

Oh, yeah, cos that sounds sexy!

"I'm going to waddle the shit out of you."

I tell you what,
we could go to the Archer.

Yeah, it'd be nice to get back to normal,
see the rest of the old gang.

Right, what old gang?

Janet's gone to Milton Keynes,

and Louise has joined
that weird moon-worshipping cult.

God, yeah, what was she thinking?

In Milton Keynes?!

But no, no, there's the rest of
the old crowd, isn't there? There's, um...

There's Tim and, er, Jim. Um...

Ken and Deirdre, Mike Baldwin.

I just want to see my best mate,
who never changes, then me old pub.

Right, there's probably something
I should mention about the Archer.

Look at this place.

It's like Hollyoaks...

...only with Arthur!

No, no, I can handle this.
I can fit in with a young crowd.

Easy now.

Wagwan, rude boy.

Donna! Gaz!

Tim, me mate! Two pints, please.
Me mouth's drier than a camel's cock.

- I can manage!
- All right.

Excuse me.

Honk-honk, you twats. Out the way, move.

Hey! Tim! Ah, look at you.

- At least you're still the same.
- I am indeed!

Shimmy, shimmy, step!

- No, no, it's step, step, shimmy.
- New material, darling.

It's so good to see you guys!
Look at you, Gaz. You're doing great.

You're like a sexy Davros!

How's it going, Tim?

Oh, I am brilliant. Business is booming.

I've discovered a delightful new
hand cream - Shimmering Cranberry.

And to top it all off,
I've got my two happiest customers back.

Yes, it's as if everything is going my way
and nothing could possibly spoil it!

What a chuffing toilet.

Yes, I am happier than Lindsay Lohan
in a room full of booze and penises.

Excuse me one moment.

Did you just tread on my shoe?

Did you just look at my shoe?

Did you just fail to acknowledge that you
either stepped on or looked at my shoe?

I'm going to batter you, you willy!

Oi! You leave Arthur alone!

I can do what I like, gut mouth.
It's a free country.

I thought I told you
I never wanted to see you round here,

so why don't you make
like a banana and... piss off?!

You can't tell me what to do.

You're just some stuck-up little diva

whose ego's bigger than his tits!

And that's saying something!

She's a bit of a gobby cow, isn't she?

Hey, don't talk about my sister like that!

What? Your sister?

Yes, this is Cassie.

Like sassy, or brassy,

or evil pain-in-the-assy.

Oh, my God!

Are you a cripple?

- Don't call him that! He's my boyfriend.
- Ew!

Are you like, totally, a disabled groupie?

Do you hang around in, like...
wheelchair places trying to get knobbed?

Straight out of a Jane Austen novel,
isn't she?

Why are you even here?!

I thought you had another year
in that young offenders'.

I got let out early for good behaviour.

Didn't set fire to anything
for nearly a whole fortnight.

Look, Cassie, I'd love to say
it's a pleasure to see you,

but it's more like having
a pineapple shoved up my nose!

- Why are you even here?!
- I'm not causing any trouble.

Well, I'm not starring in another
Crimewatch re-enactment when you do.

I didn't even get to meet
Fiona Bruce last time.

You all right, Tim?

- You look a bit shaken up.
- Who, me?

Oh, don't be ridiculoso.

Why won't you open, you bastard?!
That's the whole point of you!

I think maybe I should
take him upstairs and calm him down.

What am I meant to do?

You can make some trendy new friends.

Eastside. Come on.

All right, love, how do you fancy...?
All right, then.

OK, you just sit down there,

and I'm going to make you
a lovely cup of lapshing-sang...

shhh...

Tea!

Ohh...

So are you OK?

It's just seeing Cassie again.

That girl traumatised me
through my youth.

It's the most screwed up
brother-and-sister relationship since...

Jedward.

Well, you know what might
make you feel better?

Shutting up and listening to me
moan about my life! Come on.

- I thought you and Gaz were all right?
- Not really.

I thought things might be tough,
dealing with these changes,

but the biggest thing is, I'm just...

...so shitting horny!

What?

I haven't had proper sex in nearly a year.

If we didn't have a power shower,

I probably would've killed someone by now,
just killed 'em, outright.

(TIM WHIMPERS)

W-W-What's the problem? Just shag Gaz.

We tried.

- It didn't go very well.
- How so?

There were... issues.

In what way?

He spaffed everywhere when he was
only an inch deep, all right, Tim?!

Ah, I probably shouldn't have probed.

Neither should Gaz.

Look, there's more to your relationship
than just sex.

You find him funny, don't you?

Do you know what? You're right.

Yeah, I'm going to focus on
Gaz's hilarious antics.

That should stop me thinking about sex.

Good idea!

That'll take your mind off
Gaz's banging body and his meaty cock!

You're not helping!

Here we are! My five-a-side team.

All right, lads?
I was going to give you a ring.

Hey, Gaz, good to see you
back on your... wheels.

Listen, I was hoping to
get back on the team.

Well, I-I'll be walking again soon,

and obviously, in the meantime,
I won't be able to track back,

and I'll probably only be able to score
when the ball deflects off my head...

That was kind of all you did, anyway.

Exactly! Stick to what you're good at!

Look, Gaz, the thing is, your place
on the team's kind of been taken.

You what? By who?

Hey, you all right, babe?

You?

Aw, hey, look at you,
acting like nothing's changed.

It's a beautiful thing.

Piss off, dickhead!

The only thing that's changed
is you've nicked my spot on the team.

The guys said
you haven't been around much.

I was in a coma.

The boys said you never
bothered to turn up to practice.

I was in a coma, you scrote!

And they said
the only time you ever scored

was when the ball deflected off your head.

I can't bel...

All right, I'll give you that one.

But that's my team! I belong there.

You know I said
I'd do absolutely anything for you?

Well...

I'll give up my spot on the team,
if that's what you want.

I don't want that!
I don't want your help.

I don't want to
be on your stupid team, anyway.

I... I am still on
the darts team, though, right?

Piss off!
There's nothing wrong with me arms, look!

Oh!

Why are you still here?

Because it's the easiest way
to wind you up ever. I love it!

For future reference, you wind me up
when you breathe, sister dearest.

(SHE EXHALES)

Ugh!

Come on, sod off back to Mum's.

Oh, but I'm so tired. It's so late.

Can I crash here tonight, big bro, please?

I'm not having you conducting
your satanic rituals in my living room!

Do you know what this is really about?
You've never wanted me around.

When we were little,
I had no-one to play with.

Just me and my imaginary friend -

Chainsaw Charlie.

Look, I'd love to hear the rich tapestry
of why you're a rotten cow,

but you can piss off now!

Mum'll be worried.

Yeah, right(!)

What does that mean?

Do you know what? Don't act like you care.
You haven't changed at all.

You're still a prissy little girl.

No, I have changed and I'm stronger now.
You can't hurt me any more!

Well, good for you.

Oh, Tim, your hair's crap.

It's just words, Tim. It's just words.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey there, funny guy.

I got some of your favourite things
from the shops.

Meat and porn and a Kinder egg.

They're probably all different.

I mean, I might have liked a Marathon,
but they're Snickers now.

Well, that kind of happened
about 15 years ago.

Why are you getting upset
over renamed chocolate bars?

- It's not just the chocolate bars.
- I know.

Opal Fruits as well!

I mean, why didn't you tell me
so much has changed around here?

I feel like I've been asleep
for nearly a year,

and the whole world's
just moved on without me.

Well, that's quite a good description
of a coma, yes.

Just so much is different,

like Janet moving away with Corinthian.

Not that I'd want him
to see me like this, but...

And I... I hate the way
people are treating me now.

I don't want everyone trying to help me.

Oh!

You and your japes! Ha...

You know, things haven't
changed that much.

You've not changed, you're still funny.

Why, cos I can do this?

PEARL & DEAN THEME:
# Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, paralysed

# Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa
I ca-a-an't walk! #

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

See, you still know how to make me
laugh. So come on, Gaz, come on!

Amuse me! Give me a giggle!
Make me love you.

You what?

I'm trying to make this relationship work.

If you can't make me love you,
at least make me moist!

There's no way! I'm not going
through that humiliation again.

I've been nil by muff for way too long.

And we can take it slowly, you know,
I can help you out.

I don't want your help!

If you're that desperate,
go shag someone else!

Oh, don't be daft!

I know you want to stick on
a boob tube and get down the docks

and have some random sailor
shaft you into next week.

That's stupid!

I hate boob tubes.

Well, I don't care, right?
Sleep with whoever you want.

Sleep with that Scouse twat Billy,
if you want. I don't care.

I'm going down the garage.
At least that won't have changed.

- Let me h...
- Get off!

I don't need nobody's help, all right?
Nobody's!

GAZ: I can't get down the stairs!

I'm a bad girlfriend.

I should have been supporting Gaz,

but instead, I've just been
some selfish... randy monster

who thinks of nothing except sex.

Oh, my God, I've become Gaz.

Hey, I feel bad too.

I wanted to help Gaz, not piss him off.

I wish there was
something I could do for him.

Well, apparently you could shag me.

Eh?

Gaz doesn't want to have sex any more,

so he thinks I should find someone else.

Oh... right.

Well, I'm up for it!

Excuse me?

If I do this, I get to
kill two birds with one stone -

I get to do Gaz a favour

and I satisfy your sexual frustration.

(SHE SCOFFS)

Oh, Billy.

(HUSKILY) Oh, Billy!

I'm sure you'd do a fine job,
but I could never cheat on Gaz.

I'm just going to have to
get used to a life without sex.

Works for Anne Widdecombe.

Although she doesn't really have
a choice in the matter...

- Another drink?
- Yeah.

Frizzerilla,
where's your broken boyfriend?

Hey, Donna, do you want some nuts?

Oh, my actual God!
Is that Billy McCormack?

Do you know Billy McCormack?

Why do you know Billy McCormack?

We're just friends.

- Are you shagging him?
- No!

Do you wanna shag him?

No.

- You all right, Billy?
- All right, babe?

Who's she?

- That's the bride of Chucky.
- Cassie Claypole.

We were at school together and you sorted
some guys that were bullying me.

Well, I always like to help out
a lady in distress.

(SCREAMS AND LAUGHS)

And do you remember
Jenny Edmonson's house party?

When you were in that room,
getting it on with that girl?

Oh, God, yeah! That was you?!

No, I was the girl that wasn't invited,

so I climbed in through the window
and screamed,

"Get your hands off my man, you bitch!"

Cassie, can I have a word?

- Go play on the train tracks!
- Now!

Dickhead!

She seems nice.

I spoke to Mum today.

How is the old tart?

She told me she kicked you out
cos you're so disrespectful.

That's bollocks!

You just called her an old tart!

It's affectionate, you mouldy sphincter!

So if you've not been staying with Mum,
where have you been sleeping?

You don't care. You'll only judge me.

No, I won't.

An alleyway.

Oh! For God's sake,
you dirty little tramp!

It's not... that bad.

I mean, a dog did piss on me,
but it kept me warm.

Is that why you've been hanging around,

hoping that you can move in here?

Get over yourself, spunk breath!

So can I stay?

If I wanted vermin in my flat,

I'd invite round the cast
of The Only Way Is Essex!

Fine, I'll go back to the alleyway.

And the next time you see me
will be on the 10 o'clock news,

"Young, sexy girl found dead...
covered in dog's piss."

Wait, maybe I can help you
find somewhere to stay.

No, no, no!
I'll find somewhere myself.

You still think I'm a silly little girl,
but I'm mature now, I'm different.

I wouldn't want to stay here, anyway.

(SNIFFS) It smells like poo!

And you!

And you smell like poo, too.

Meh! Huh!

OK, my little beaut.

Quick oil change, fan belt,

and we'll have you
back on your feet in no time.

Let's have a look here.

(GRUNTS)

Are you taking the piss?

You're not the only one
on wheels now, you know.

Ha-ha-ha! Who's the daddy?!

OK.

(GRUNTS)

Right, then, let's have a look at you.

Come on.

Ah!

Little bastard!

Ugh!

It's all right, it's all right,
I can do this. I can... I can do this.

(GRUNTS) I don't need any help.

Help!

Help! Hello? Anyone?

Help!

Oh, thank you.

Cheers, mate, thanks.

You all right, babe?

Oh, God.

How you getting on, our Gaz?

I'm not your Gaz, and I'm fine, thanks.

You don't really look it.

I don't like to assume,
but being in a wheelchair,

you're not really enjoying it, are you?

Oh, no, no, I'm having a pissing ball!

I don't want to be in a wheelchair, do I?

I want to look after myself, but I can't.
I feel so... helpless.

So let people help you.

I heard you were struggling
to shag Donna.

Well, I am totally up for giving her
a going-over for you.

Are you serious?

It was your idea.

I didn't mean it!

Only as a favour, like.
I'd try not to enjoy meself...

...but I would make sure
she had a good couple of orgasms.

I'm just caring, like that.
I want to help out.

Yeah, there's a way
you can help me, Billy.

Just have a quick look
at that engine for us?

Yeah, course I can. What am I looking at?

You'll see.

- Twat.
- Gaz? Gaz!

So who looks like a complete moron now?

Dappy from N-Dubz?

No, you, you complete moron.

I've found somewhere to live.
I told you I didn't need you.

I'm going to stay with Billy.
I haven't told him yet,

but I know he'll help
a damsel in distress.

Or a dirty emo skank.

- Hi, Billy.
- Hi, um...

Can I come live with you?

What? I don't even know you.

What better way to get to know someone
than inviting them into your home?

And bed and mouth...

Look, I'm sure you're
a really, really, really nice girl,

but... I don't think you're me type.

Oh, right.

I mean, I'm sure there's loads of people
who like the whole zombie-tramp look.

Yeah.

Whatever. Not bothered, really.

Excuse me, I just need to...
adjust my nipple rings.

Oh, Donna. You look, um...

Frumpy?

Well, I was going to say sexless,
but frumpy, that works.

Good... because that's what I am now.

No more sex for me.

It's probably for the best,

cos Gaz did not like our plan
for me to shag you at all.

- What? You told him about that?
- Should I not have?

Billy, it's never going to happen!

Despite your trim physique,
lantern jaw and that fold in your jeans

that might just be the fabric,
but even then... Hello!

So what you saying?

I love Gaz.

Maybe he's not funny
and I can't shag him, but I love him.

And I never should've
treated him this way.

Oh, come here, you.

So, I'm not your type
and that walking poodle-perm is?!

You slag bitch!

Oh! Cassie, what you doing?!

This knob-nicker's stealing my man!

- (YELLS)
- (WHIMPERS)

Billy!

I'm all right, go find Gaz
and tell him you love him.

Oh, Billy, are you all right?

(HIGH-PITCHED) I think you might have
broken me cock!

(YELLS) No!

- All right?
- Hello.

How did you get in?

I ordered a double pepperoni
and a piggyback.

Listen, I know I said
you can shag someone else,

but I don't want it to be that Billy.

OK.

Or anyone who's hotter,
or younger, or cooler than me.

Right, basically, you can shag Arthur.

I don't need to shag anyone.

I'm sorry.

I know you don't want me this way.

I mean, you only liked me because
I was good in bed, I know that.

(SCOFFS)

I love you
because you're Gaz Wilkinson.

I should've known that all along.

I don't care that you're
in that wheelchair!

- Well, I do!
- Then let me help you!

I know that things have been tough,

but we can deal with
the changes together.

And I will be here all the way...

...because I love you.

I love you too.

- Then...
- Come here.

Ohh...

Ooh...

Gaz?

Yeah?

Have you got a massive hard-on?

Yeah.

It's just all this emotional stuff,
it got the blood pumping.

Listen, you know how you said
we don't have to do the sex stuff,

- I really want to shag you now.
- Uh-wa-wa-wa-wa!

I'm helping you out, remember.

In what way?

The things I'm going to do to you.

(RAPID BREATHS)

Typical Cassie, causing chaos!
I've a good mind to call the police.

No, please, Tim.

I can't go back inside.

Oh, come on, Tim.
Can't you just give her a chance?

She's had more chances than Ashley Cole.

All she's done is brought me trouble,

and she's never even tried to apologise!

Well, I am sorry, all right?
For all the things I've done to you.

And that's supposed to make it all OK?

Forget it, I'll go.

Hang on!

What about the damage downstairs?

Oh, I'll heal in a week or two.

I meant the damage to the bar.

- Oh.
- You can work here to pay it off.

You what?

And if you're doing that,
well, you might as well live here.

You're serious? Oh, Tim!

I mean, yeah, whatever.

This is beautiful,
it's bringing a tear to my eye.

Though that might be me bruised bell-end.

(SIGHS)

Don't worry, Donna.

It happens to every woman at some point.

What, that they pull out more
moves than an Olympic gymnast,

ride you like a rodeo star

and give you the best sex
of your entire life?

Aye, that's the one.

You know what? I feel so much better.

It's like a massive weight's
been lifted off my chuff.

Oh... it was great.

You know, maybe change isn't so bad.

All I had to do was lie there
and let you do all the work!

That's what I'm going to do from now on.

What? In bed?

No, no, all the time.

Well, I'll do whatever
makes life easy for you.

Because I love you.

Ah, I'm so lucky!

Right, then.

Go on, scratch me balls.

All right.