Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 8, Episode 6 - Val Doonican - full transcript

- I don't want to stay married to you.
- I don't want to be married to YOU!

- We need to end this thing.
- And I... I really want to marry Janet.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪

Just beautiful.

Dreamy.

- It's like God himself shat it out.
- Thanks for getting me this, Wesley,



- and at a good price.
- Mates' rates, innit? No worries.

- Is it real, then?
- Yes.

But how? There isn't an Argos for miles.

No, it was my mum's.

That is a lifesaver.
You've got the perfect ring.

It's just... I wish I could propose
the way I want -

really special, with a big bash.

She isn't gonna marry you
if you punch her, Gaz.

No, a big bash, like... like a party.

No. Somewhere nice,

like the Empire State Building
or the top of the Eiffel Tower.

No, it's impossible.

- Oh, scared of heights, is she?
- We've got no money!

I'm the only one working
and Corinthian eats like he's got worms.



Are you sure he hasn't just got worms?

We've only just wormed him.

We only knew there was sommat wrong

when he started dragging his arse
along the carpet like a scabby mongrel.

I had a girlfriend that used to do that.

Oh, no, a border collie.

I get confused,
cos they both had eight nipples.

He left loads of, like,
skid marks behind him.

We think he was trying
to spell something out.

"Put me in a nappy," perhaps?

We can't afford nappies!
We're really low on funds.

And Janet - she's not helping,
even though Corinthian's at preschool.

I didn't know he was Catholic.

PRE school. Not PRIEST!

Well, Janet needs to get back to work.

I could sling some work her way.

We do not.

We sell Val Doonican CDs, but that
doesn't really have the same ring.

You could get her a job, then I could have
the proposal of my dreams.

- Group hug.
- Wesley, you're a lifesaver!

- I'm gonna go and see her.
- Can I come too?

It gets lonely with just Arthur.

The whole dead wife thing.
Yawnorama.

Tim, it's a man's job.

So... you thinking of going back to work
at all any time soon?

No.

Can I ask why?

Not finished my Nutella.

Jesus, I need a longer tongue.

Janet, I'm a bit worried about you.

Ever since you lost that policing job,
all you do is sit around and eat shit.

It isn't shit, it's Nutella.

They look similar, but that just
saves time as it passes through.

That's not good for you.
You need to get out there, get a job.

- Have you seen the job market?
- Yes. Have you?

No. I try to,
but every time I open the paper

the stress starts making me feel ill.

Well, what if I were to help you?

I could get you shifts at the pub
with me and Tim.

Could you?
Oh, Donna, I didn't like to ask.

I thought I'd be stepping on your toes,

and I kinda already did that
by stealing your husband.

It's all forgotten about.

- You've only just finalised your divorce.
- It's all forgotten about.

And we celebrated by watching that porno
you and Gaz made,

Here Bums The Bride.

I wish that was forgotten about,
but no matter, I'll save the day, again.

Oh, Donna, thank you. Come here.

Janet! Janet!

Wesley has got you a job
on his market stall! Isn't that ace?

What? Really?

- What? Really?
- Yeah!

- Oh, my God, that's brilliant.
- Come here!

OK, I'll be off, then. Nobody seems
to be needing me round here.

So... that's great.

I'll see you later, then.

Great.

Thanks, mates(!)

Donna, thank God you're here.
I was beginning to feel a bit unpopular.

Tell me about it.
Have you seen Louise?

She's gone for a girlie weekend
with her mates.

- What? What mates?
- Her girlie mates.

But why wasn't I invited?
I'm a girlie mate. Listen.

(GIRLIE VOICE) Oh, my God,
I just love your tiny bag!

You've lost weight!
Let's have a Lambrini!

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, my God,
that felt wrong.

Well, I for one am glad you're here.

I need to warn you
that Gaz is proposing to Janet tonight.

What? But I'm...

just...

Tonight?!

Five words do not a sentence make.

Oh, Donna, you're crying!

It's not that bad!

It's my thighs, isn't it?
You're upset by my thighs.

You wouldn't be the first.

Helena won't pay for the lipo.

I just feel like I'm losing everyone.

Gaz and Janet'll get married,
then I'll never see him again.

Or, you know, Janet...

No, Donna, don't hang on to the past,
or you'll end up like Arthur,

always going on about
that dead wife of his. Drama queen!

I just need a way of staying part
of his life and Janet's.

I mean, Louise has got
her invisible mates.

Wesley's got his market stall.
Where have all my friends gone?

What?

I can't use my breasts
to keep hold of them, Tim.

If you keep living in the past,
you're going to get hurt.

Heed my warning, Donna,
it's time to let it go.

No, I can't.

- Hey!
- Gaz is here.

Dry your eyes. You don't want him
to see you crying, now, do you?

Guess who's proposing to Janet.

I'm gonna have to venture...

er... Papa Smurf?

No, me, dickhead.

It's a big secret, though,
so hush puppy.

All I need is the right romantic setting.

You know, the right beer,
the right curry house, the right lube.

Well, that's romantic(!)

We can't afford anything fancy.

I need some help, cos every time
I imagine sommat cheap, I just picture...

Jodie Marsh in her pants...

...just squatting.

What you need is somebody
who knows you both really well.

You know, somebody
who's good at this sort of thing.

Somebody organised,
somebody who's a really good mate.

Thanks for pointing them out, Donna,

but I don't need an excuse
to look at your tits.

- No! Me!
- Mistake!

Donna, I would have asked you, but...

wouldn't it be a bit weird?
We're divorced.

It'd be like getting
some rotten old meat out of the bin

to help bake this perfect, wonderful pie.

"Rotten old meat". You are comparing me
to rotten old meat.

Yeah, all right, not rotten, just...
you know, used.

Mouldy. You know, a bit past its... Oh!

Please, just let go of me balls.

See? This is precisely why
I didn't ask you. It's weird.

No! No, Gaz, it's not weird.

You know, it's modern.
It's progressive!

It's very French, very chic.

Sheep?!

Gaz, just let me help you.
I want us all to be friends.

I've been feeling a bit of an outsider
at the mo, so... How about a party?

Yes! A party.
Gaz, go home and organise it now.

He needs me, Tim, thank you.

What? A girlie party
with lots of things girls like?

You know, like UGG boots,

and hoovering... and a bit of squatting.

You're crap
at female-orientated parties.

I'm not! All my parties have
a feminine aspect to them.

What aspect?

Strippers.

Have you completely forgotten
the last time

you tried to arrange
something like this? Our wedding...

Actually, both our weddings -
both were completely horrible!

There were cauliflowers.

Proving that anything
involving you and you is a disaster.

If you don't want this party
to be a complete disaster, then,

I think you should
let me help organise it.

I am still part of your life, aren't I?

Go on, then... for old times' sake.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

A market stall holder? Do you really think
I've got what it takes?

I've not done a full day's work
in over a year.

Well, it was either you or Arthur,

and Arthur's always going on
about that dead wife of his.

Drama queen.

At least you haven't got a dead...

Anyway, what do you think?

I think, Wesley Presley,
that you are a lifesaver!

This is just what I need
to get me out the house!

Thanks.

All you've got to remember is we are a
very tight-knit bunch, us market traders.

Oh, really?
Do you have a secret handshake?

Yeah. I'll teach you.

- What's so secret about that?
- Are you going to tell anyone about it?

Perhaps you're the girl who can
finally shift those Val Doonican CDs.

Val Doonican?

He can write a TUNE, HE CAN.

He can make the ladies SWOON, HE CAN.

One day he could go
to the MOON, HE CAN.

- Tea?
- No, Janet, you're a market stall girl!

You say, "Hows about
a nice brew, then, lovely?"

Oh, I see. And do I say "Ricky!"?

We just find that a bit insulting,
to be honest.

Oh. Well...

When can you start?

To be honest, I've been feeling
a bit unwell recently, so I wondered if...

- Well, I really need someone today.
- I can start SOON, I CAN! (LAUGHS)

Sorry.

Donna, get back behind the bar
and serve the customers. We've a rush on.

There's nobody here. Anyway,
I'm going to help Gaz - he's my friend.

You're being very destructive.

If it's friends you want, I'm here.

I have got my beady eye out,
Donna Wilkinson.

Well, you'd best put it away, then,
before you drip pre-cum on the floor.

Right, so... I've been thinking
of proposing to Janet on bended knee,

but that's unoriginal, cos that's how
I proposed to you, and that was rubbish.

Then I thought... sky-writing.

But I don't have a marker pen
big enough. So...

I came up with this.

The Spice Girls have aged badly.

No. Look, it's a puzzle. You've got to
work out what it says from the pictures.

OK.

Er... prince, sheep, virgin, mechanic.

No, no, it's as clear as day. Look.

Will... ewe... Mary... me?

Maybe I'm just too clever.

Took me ages to cut
that sheep's head out.

Women want to be
proposed to romantically.

Gaz, you should let me help you.

(SIGHS) I want her to be surprised.

- Have you got a ring?
- Oh, aye. Yeah.

Wesley got it for me.

It's a family heirloom.

Wesley gave you his family heirloom?

My boyfriend gave...

Am I ever going to get a ring?

You didn't even get me
an engagement ring.

You said, "If it's a ring you're after,
check this out." Then...

I bent over and showed you me arse.

Val Doonican!
He can CROON, HE CAN!

No?

Excuse me. Would you like to buy
some large pants? They're very lovely.

No? Ah, you, sir!

You look like somebody
who'd like to buy 12 Easter eggs

from the former Yugoslavia...

Here you are, love.
Get that down you. You deserve it.

Been on your feet all day.
How much have you shifted, then?

Well, nothing.

But we have had a lot of stuff nicked,
so at least we're popular!

You're being too coy
for the customers.

You've got to give it
a bit of the old Cockerney charm.

What? You mean be rude and obnoxious?
I can't do that.

No, like this.

Ladies and gents, gather round,
cos everything's a pound!

From bog roll to chocs
to dolls in a box.

Wesley Presley's the bloke
who will not leave you broke.

Here y'are, love.

Grab one of these
and I'll also chuck in

an extra couple of cans of Fanta
for the young 'uns, eh?

- A word!
- Ow!

Back out now, lady.

You're only going to hurt yourself
further with this. Look at you.

Your eyeballs are redder than
an embarrassed radish. Like I always say,

"Once your balls go red, stop pushing."

I mean, why would Wesley do that?

Wouldn't you save your family heirloom
for the person YOU wanted to marry?

Aw, poor Donna(!)

(SHOUTING) Yeah, cos that's what's
bothering you!

Don't shout at me!

I'll shout all I want.

I'm shouting because soon I might be
the only friend you've got left.

Leave Gaz and Janet alone.

They're happy.

You're not and you're jealous,

like Dannii Minogue
in a sixth form college.

I am not jealous,

and to prove it I will even pay
for the frigging party!

A frigging party!

That's what I'm talking about.

Nice try with the guilt trip, Tim,

but me and Gaz are going
to organise this ourselves.

You are playing a very dangerous game,
young lady.

This is Russian roulette...

(WAILS) ...with lives!

(WAILS) Lives!

Ooh, I like that.
I think I might use it again.

Just shut up!

I'm sorry about that.
So... what does Janet really, really like?

Did I hear you say you'd pay?

Oh, anything! Absolutely anything.
Your happiness is my happiness.

Janet likes... Marmite.

I can't centre a proposal
around Marmite, Gaz.

You know I haven't been able
to go near the stuff

since you made me lick a whole jarful
out of your arse crack.

Well, that's Marmite-rimming for you.

You either love it or you hate it.

- No, Gaz.
- No, you're probably right.

You know what, Donna?
It's actually nice spending time with you

without divorcing you or sleeping with you

or, you know,
being attracted to you in any way.

Ooh, I feel wanted(!)

Well, maybe not the last one.

We should go shopping! Decorations,
flowers, food - it's all on me!

Sweet.

You know as well as I do what she's doing.
Don't be stupid.

What are you waiting for? Come on.

I'm judging you.

(WAILS) Lives!

Bloody Cockneys.

They're just so pushy.
And they're obsessed with weird foods.

- Jellied eels, whelks, dog and bone.
- (DOOR OPENS)

Janet! What's up with you?

Are you ill again?
Did you start your period or something?

What?

Is that what this is about? Is that why
you ran off? Was it your period?

Why are you asking me that?

Because if it was your period,
I'll understand. Was it your period?

Are you having your period?

Stop saying "period".

Sorry. It's just Donna said
if I'm afraid of something,

I should use the word
and it'll become less scary.

Cybermen.

It's just... I hadn't had a job
since the police threw me out.

Then the first one I get,
I don't even last a day.

It just upsets me, is all.
It actually gives me stomachache.

It's stress, is that.

Don't be stressed.

It was your first day.
Look, I'll teach you.

You've just got to have
a bit of banter with the punters.

A bit of what with the what?

Wesley, I am too sick for this.

OK. Let's pretend I'm an old lady.

Try and sell me this. What is this?

It's Jonny, my husband who died.

And you've kept his head?

Yes. It's the bit with the kisses.

Mmm!

OK. Hello, little old lady. Would you like
to buy my dead husband's head?

- No. No, no, no.
- What?

- You need a USP.
- A what?

- A USP.
- Ooh, like a psychic power?

A Unique Selling Point.

I think you'll find I have two.

That's not going to help you
down the market, is it?

Depends what kind of market.

What you need to do
is find a way to be persuasive,

make people trust you and want
to buy Val Doonican CDs from you.

I worked in a baker's -
people bought things off me all the time.

Cos this is Runcorn.
Pastry is a vitamin here.

Yeah, true.

Then what do I do? What is my USP?

I've got it!

Now, love, these bloomers would cost
upwards of eight quid in Japan.

I can let you have them
for four quid for six pairs.

Get out! We're not paying that
for knickers.

Oh, come on.
I got to make a profit, ain't I?

Look, I can get ten pairs
for half that price off Fast Eddie.

Come on, girls!

- Fast Eddie's knickers are second-hand!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, all right. I tell you what.
I'll do them for three quid for six.

And I'll also throw in
a free Val Doonican CD and...

a kiss for the first woman who buys 'em.

Well, that's more like it, innit, girls?
Here y'are!

Bargain at half the price.

Oh! That was so much fun!

It was like you were Daddy Warbucks
and I was Fanny.

It's Annie.

Not in the film I saw.

What is all this crap?
Is it even edible?

They eat them in that London.
They're blinis.

Who's Bill Ini?

- Gaz...
- Is he from that London?

Must be, with a silly name like Bill Ini.

People round here are called
sensible things like Corinthian,

- or Timothy Claypole.
- Gaz...

Ivor Hardon.

Nobody's called Ivor Hardon.

I never said they were. Whoo!

- Seriously, I do have a hard-on.
- Will you be sensible?

Oh, look, me eyes!

What's happened to me eyes?

Stop it, Gaz.

We are divorced. Some might say
we should be excoriating each other.

Ooooh.

Via our solicitors.

- Ooooh.
- Over the phone.

Oooh.

You know what? I've missed this.

We have good times together.

I know. I miss it too.

Gaz, you touch me
in a very special way.

Ooooh!

Could you not be serious for once?

I can be seriously sexy.

- You know what your trouble is?
- What? Shagging Janet?

- Over it.
- Let me see. What is it?

Sleeping with your mum? Oooh...

Shit. No, shit.
Sorry, I forgot she was dead.

Sorry. I've pushed it too far.
Donna, I'm sorry.

No, that's fine.
It's absolutely fine.

Please feel free to make jokes
about shagging my dead mother.

You can't take anything seriously,
can you?

Not my mum's death,
not our wedding vows.

Oh, this... I knew you weren't over it!

I wonder. Can anyone see
why we're divorced?

I can!

(WAILS) Li-ives!

Shut up, Tim!
Talk to Arthur, you big closet case.

Oh!

That's nice. That's really nice, Donna.
Great friend you are.

Yeah? Well, if I'm such a terrible friend,

maybe I shouldn't be part
of your lives for a while.

Oh, go on, then.
Why don't you excoriate me, then?

Oh, wow! You learnt a word(!)

You know what?
We just can't be friends.

We can't. We're divorced.
This is what happens, right?

You think you can stay friends, but
there's always resentment and hatred.

What, you hate me?

Right now, a little bit.

Well, I don't hate you.

You were brilliant!

You're a natural! High five!

Janet, are you OK?
You look a bit pale.

I thought it would go away.
Maybe I just need to fart it out.

While you do that,
can I use your toilet?

I just need to empty my bowels.

- By having a bowel movement.
- Go ahead.

Gaz, I'm glad you're home.
I've been feeling really unwell.

- I think I need a doctor.
- It's Donna, right?

She was helping me organise this surprise
for you. It's ruined. She's ruined it.

I don't think I could cope
with a surprise. I really feel unwell.

It doesn't matter now, anyway.
It'll have to wait.

I don't want you talking
to her any more, right?

Gaz, what has she done?

I've not seen you this angry since you
dipped your cock in that jar of VapoRub.

I thought it was lard.

At least its airways are clear.

It's Donna. She just...

she just won't let things go.

That's not true. She let you go.

And she let Runcorn go
so we could be together.

Gaz, I really think I need a doctor.

What's up, love?

I've got really bad stomachache.

She was only trying to help me...
she was only trying to help US, really.

It must be hard for her.

- Yeah, poor Donna. I really think...
- Yes, I know, I know.

You're right. I'll go and apologise.

Oh.

I have flushed my faeces.

Baby Spice.

Argh! Oh!

Janet, are you OK?

- Donna?
- Gaz.

I'm, er... sorry about earlier.

I do miss arguing with you.
It's not the same with Janet.

Yes, the tit wanks are more cushiony.

But it's still not the same.

Janet is your soul mate.

You made that choice

and I should just stop interfering
in that relationship. It's just...

I was jealous, all right?

You?

Jealous? But your life's perfect.

You're perfect.

I've had an amazing time today,
and I haven't even ejaculated.

I don't want you out of my life at all.

I love you.

You know, as a friend. As a best friend.

Don't, Gaz.

- Look, listen, Donna.
- Yes?

I want you to be part of this.

Right? So...

will you be my best man?

Cos you're my best woman.

Course I will.

That's great.

I'm not stripping
at the stag do, though.

It's tradition!

Period. Period.

- Period. Per...
- Wesley, get Gaz.

Wesley, come with me!

Wesley, get Gaz.
Wesley, come with me!

(GROANS)

Me and you never had
an engagement party, did we?

No. We didn't.

Would it have been like
the one today, with blinis?

- It would have been, to be honest.
- Yeah.

Only in a different pub.

- Well, obviously.
- Without the arguing.

Well, I could have done without the whole
"I've shagged your dead mother" debate.

And with a different man.

No, with the same man.

Well, I'd better call it a night.
What are you and Wesley up to tonight?

Wesley's got a meeting
with the market inspector, so...

Wesley, it hurts so much.

- Where's Gaz?
- Oh, you want me to phone him?

That might be nice,
you big Cockney twat!

How rude. I'll make my excuses.

Don't you dare leave me!
Oh, where's Gaz?

Period. Bowel movement. Cybermen.
Janet in pain.

What are you doing?

I'm trying not to be scared.
You say the word, it becomes less scary.

Dying, leaving Corinthian,
dying, leaving Corinthian.

Now I've got two more.
Thanks a lot.

- I got here as soon as I could.
- What's he doing here?!

- Oh, it's nice to feel wanted(!)
- He's the only one I could contact.

What's the matter? Where's Gaz?

- I couldn't get hold of anyone.
- Well, try again!

Where are you taking her?

We have to prep her for surgery
immediately.

(WHIMPERS) Find Gaz! Please! Argh!

Tim, I'm scared.

Ah. Ah, there, there.

It's nice to feel wanted.

Now toughen up, you big pansy.
I'll stay here. You go and phone Gaz.

(MOANING AND GROANING)

Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend,
Timothy? Why?

Janet's in hospital?

Not any more, no.
She's at home, kicking off.

She got all moody when I told her
I'd been shagging you.

It's so long since I had a good banging,
I think my mimsy may have scabbed over.

Look, I want to talk to you.
I want to apologise.

Sowwy!

I know you slept with Gaz.

Oh, right.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪