Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 8, Episode 5 - D.I.V.O.R.C.E. - full transcript

What's mine is mine, what's yours
is yours. Just get it over with quickly.

Donna Wilkinson, will you be
my lawfully estranged wife?

Better tell Janet the divorce is off.

- You're not getting divorced?
- I told you she'd be all right.

You've hurt me with your deception.

Oh, frigging hell!

I'll be divorced immediately.

- (ELECTRIC SPARKING)
- BOTH: Ow!

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't



♪ Handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪

So...

such a young couple,

and you've been married how long?

- Ages.
- A few months.

Hmm. Such a shame. So young.

Are you crying?

It's dusty in here.

And dust makes you sad?

Yeah.

Well, don't make this any worse,
Gaz, we need to end this thing.



Well, do you?

Yes.

Listen to the man!

Well, I see so many divorces that...

I hate to see people
throwing it all away on a whim.

- Oh! He shagged my best friend.
- She moved to London.

- He's an imbecile.
- She uses blow jobs to get presents.

Don't we all? (CHUCKLES)

He smells of eggs.

- She's got a verruca!
- He gave it to me!

Listen to yourselves.

Look, it isn't my place to say...

- Well, then, don't.
- Ignore her. What?

Well, I just think that if you're
still so bothered by each other,

if you can still conjure up

such strong feeling
towards each other,

- Guys...
- Guys?!

I'm not paying you a ton fifty
an hour to be called "guys".

Who are we,
the cast of Britannia High?

You wish.

OK. Mr and Mrs Wilkinson...

Oh... mmm...

"Guys" is fine.

Look, I get paid regardless,
so I'm not saying this for my sake.

I hate divorce.

My parents were divorced...

Ooh, it's like A Child Called It
made flesh.

I just want you to be sure
before we proceed.

If there's any way this relationship
can be salvaged,

I want you to think very carefully
about what you're doing.

He's right, Donna.
I mean, should we be doing this?

I mean, think back.
Think of the good times.

Which ones? The ones where you were
shagging Janet behind my back,

or the jolly days
when you used to fart on my head,

and call it a love rumble?

No.

Remember when we first
got together...?

(# THEME: Love Story)

Fair maiden,

wouldst thou give me the pleasure
of thy company

for up to 14 minutes of dirty sex?

Why, yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!

Don't you remember?

That never happened.
I'll tell you what I remember...

Ooh, yeah!

Oh, God!

Aaah... Gah!

Whoo! Oh, I tell you what,
it fits like a rubber glove.

Smells like one too!

Uh!

Oh, it was beautiful, wasn't it?

Yes, that really was the most romantic
thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm not joking, it was.

That's not true. I was romantic tons of
times. Remember when I bought you flowers?

- Er, no.
- Yeah, you do. You do.

Jonny had just died, right,
and you were all upset, so I came round...

Hey.

Hi, Gaz.
I was just thinking about you.

That's a coincidence,
I was just thinking about me too.

- I got you these.
- Gaz, these are beautiful. Aw!

Come on.

Gaz, we shouldn't be doing this.
What about Donna?

She's my best friend.

I can't help myself.

- Yeah, that wasn't you, was it?
- No.

No, it wasn't. That's when you
were shagging my best friend.

Can we have a divorce now, please?

Surely you have some good memories,
Donna? If I may call you that?

- It's better than Mrs frigging Wilkinson.
- Oh, is that hyphenated?

Come on, Donna!

Your time with me wasn't all bad.
Admit it, we had a laugh.

(SHE SIGHS)

Yes, well,
I suppose sometimes you were OK.

Like when you surprised me
for my birthday that year...

Oh, I wonder what he's got planned.

If I know Gaz,

it'll be something vacuous,
facile, and probably penile.

Ooh, fingers crossed!

I'm not sure. I mean, it's not every day
you turn 25. My quarter-century!

When I get there, shoot me.

What are you talking about?
I thought you were about 50.

How dare you,
you squat little shit?

Come on, everyone.
It's Donna's day, let's be happy!

Yes, I've had my hair done specially.
14 quid, this was.

Oh! Did you get the head stylist, then?

Margaret. She's the one
who doesn't have the shakes.

(ENGINE REVS)

That's Gaz! I recognise the helmet.

What, is that my birthday surprise?

Sort this hair out.

There you go.

Right, hop on, love!
We're going to Penketh!

I mean, how was I supposed to know
you'd just had your hair done?

I don't notice stuff like clothes
and hair. I'm a man.

When's the last time
you noticed I made an effort?

Scraping the knob cheese
from under your foreskin

does not count as an effort.

Well, la-di-da, Lady Muck.

You know what, you've always
been the same - selfish.

I mean, what kind of a girl wants
to go on a motorbike on her birthday?

My kind of girl!
And Sandy from Grease.

When she'd had a perm
and slagged herself up.

Just don't...
When I threw out his porn,

he used to wank over
the You're The One That I Want sequence.

We haven't been able
to go near a funfair since.

You said that's cos you had
a bad experience on the waltzers!

Yes, because of you.

You nearly blinded me!

I couldn't help it.
Blame it on the G-force.

Such animosity.

Why did you ever decide
to get married in the first place?

Huh! Desperation.

Because I loved her.

And you weren't desperate.
You could have had any man you wanted.

God knows what you got up to
in that London.

OK, so I'm gonna have you and you,
and you and you. But not you.

Oh, go on, you too!

(LAUGHS)
Oh, this is so much better than Runcorn!

It wasn't like that.

Oh?

Sorry, Donna,
but we don't have willies.

- What?
- No-one in that London does.

And even if we did,

they wouldn't be as big or as noble
as Gaz Wilkinson's.

We've heard he's quite the treat.

It wasn't like that either!

Remember when you all came to visit?

- I didn't.
- No. YOU didn't.

I was really unhappy down there!

♪ London calling to the faraway towns

♪ Now war is declared
and battle come down

♪ London calling to the underworld

♪ Come out of the cupboard,
you boys and girls

♪ London calling
Now don't look to us

♪ Phoney Beatlemania
has bitten the dust

♪ London calling
See, we ain't got no swing

♪ Except for the ring
of the truncheon thing

♪ The ice age is coming
The sun's zooming in

♪ Meltdown expected
The wheat is growing thin

♪ Engines stop running
But I have no fear

♪ Cos London is drowning, I

♪ Live by the river. ♪

Where were you, Gaz?

Where do you think?
Looking after Corinthian.

Oh, that's another thing.
He impregnated my best friend!

It was an accident.

I thought I was infertile,
it could happen to anyone.

Anyone who stuck their cock
in their wife's best friend!

OK, OK.

That's why I didn't come to London.

I didn't want to go over and over the fact
that I accidentally rammed one up Janet.

Oh!

We're going off the point!

Though I'm on 150 an hour,
so, please, continue.

I hated it down there.

I was so lonely, it was so big.

I had no friends.
So I came back to Runcorn.

Yeah, and insisted on going
on that bloody tour.

Which once again,
hubby dearest, you wouldn't come on.

♪ I was happy in the haze
of a drunken hour

♪ But heaven knows, I'm miserable now

♪ I was looking for a job
And then I found a job

♪ And heaven knows
I'm miserable now

♪ In my life

♪ Oh, why do I give valuable time

♪ To people who don't care if I

♪ Live or die? ♪

You just get a better class
of pigeon here, is all.

Can't you see why I'm divorcing her?

I'm divorcing you
is what's happening.

- That's what's happening?
- Yes, it is.

- I'm sorry, Little Miss Shouty Lady.
- I DO NOT SHOUT!

- You're shouting now.
- That's not shouting.

- That's her calm voice.
- Shit! Really?

Really.

Oh, my God! I don't believe this!

Oh, my God! I don't believe this!

Oh, my God! There...

There are people here!
You are wank...

(STATIC DROWNS WORDS)

(HE MOUTHS)

I was deaf for three days.

I don't know why I bothered with you
in the first place.

Cos I'm sexy.

Yeah, if this marriage
has taught me one thing,

it's never to go for looks again.

From now on,
it's brains and personality.

I've got brains.
I fix cars for a living.

Wow! You're like the Fonz!

You're like the Fonz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very witty. God, I loathe you.

I loathed you
the first time I met you.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

Janet set us up on that date,
and you were rude and obnoxious...

Sexy.

Yes, that too,
but mostly rude and obnoxious.

No, you liked me
the first time you met me.

No, I didn't. We had that enormous
argument about your porn, remember?

That wasn't the first time we met.

The first time we met
was 20 years ago in the park.

♪ Ring a-ring o' roses

♪ A pocket full of posies

♪ A-tishoo! A-tishoo! ♪

- Is an elephant as big as my house?
- Yeah.

But you must never live
in an elephant, because...

Why?

Because... you may get a cold.
Gimme that!

- No!
- (JANET WAILS)

You mustn't snatch!
I'm telling my mum!

Your mum is fat!

And she gets her hair
cut by a gardener,

because my mummy did say so!

Your mummy is a lazy slag,
because my mummy did say so!

Oh!

Stop fighting! (CRIES)

You've made Donna cwy.

Donna's a cwy baby!

- Am not!
- Ah!

Serves you right for snatching.

(THEY SCREECH)

Stop fighting!
Or you will upset the baby!

Knobheads!

(HE MIMICS AN AEROPLANE ENGINE)

Hello!

Do you not have any friends?

I'll be your friend.

Will you be my girlfriend?

No! I'm not old enough for boys
because I am only five.

Um... um...

What... what's the sheeps's name?

Satan.

- Why?
- Because he is a devil sheep,

and when you are asleep, he comes
in the night, and eats your eyes.

That's not nice.

I know. But all sheep are like that.
You must be very afraid of them,

because they are evil,
and will kill you dead. Baa-aa!

(GAZ WAILS)

(DONNA LAUGHS)

Silly boys!

And that's why
you're scared of sheep?

That's why.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I thought you'd feel bad.
I was trying to protect you.

You complete dickhead!

"He comes in the night,
and eats your eyes?"

OK.

I think I'm starting to see what
might be wrong with this marriage.

Her. She's what's wrong
with this marriage.

Can't you see any sort
of future for you?

- No.
- I say this to all my clients.

Before you go any further,

I want you think of the future,
and what it might be like.

I am Gazroid, defender of the mighty
galaxy of Thoron in the year 4099.

Not that far into the future!

I want you to imagine what it'd be like
not being married any more.

On the one hand, you'd be free.
On the other hand...

Go on, take that,
you pesky space spider!

He's asking us to think about
what it'd be like to be single again.

The not-too-distant future.

I don't have to imagine.
I've got Janet and Corinthian.

A ready-made family
all nice and perfect for me.

You, on the other hand... Whoa!

- Louise?
- Yes, Ida?

It's Donna.

- I prefer Ida.
- Oh.

Suit yourself.
Put another bar on the fire.

We can't afford it.

Not since you lost yourjob

cos the brewery don't like
single people running their pub.

It's discrimination.

And then your affair with Arthur
went public.

You got so desperate after your divorce,
you slept with anything.

Arthur said he'd call.

And that turned
all the married women against you.

Afraid you'd steal their menfolk.

Janet never spoke to you again.

- I was a right slag.
- Yeah.

Which is why you contracted
syphilitic gangrene.

You had to have
your fanny chopped off.

That smarted.

And as a young divorcée,

nobody really wanted
to take you up the aisle again.

No.

Your looks started to fade.

You went and got all jowly.

Gobble gobble! Turkey neck.

Batwings.

- Saddlebags.
- False teeth.

Urgh, really?

I stopped brushing them
after I lost my job.

There didn't seem much point.

Oh. Never mind,
you've always got me.

That's true.
I'll always have my best friend.

(LOUISE GAGS AND CHOKES)

Oh, crap!

We have to stay married.
We can't get divorced.

Why?

It's a long story, Gaz -
one that ends with Louise's death!

Yeah, once again, why?

Gaz, trust me.

I can't be divorced at this age.

It's better than being 50.

What chance would you have
of meeting someone new?

Thanks!

He's right. I mean, I'd be all right -
men improve with age.

But you... Urgh!

You'd be tucking your arse
into your socks,

and throwing
your tits over your shoulders.

It's not pretty.

Thank you! That's cheered me up!
I already feel on the scrapheap!

I swear my nipples are an inch lower
than they were at 21!

Inch and a half.

Trust me, I'm an expert.

- Gaz, when we got married...
- That was the best day of me life.

Yeah, but that day
when we said our vows...

"Forsaking all others
as long as we both shall live"?

I buggered that one up, didn't I?

(GAZ CHUCKLES)

Sorry.

Did you actually think,

when we were looking into each
other's eyes, that we'd end up here?

No. I didn't think we'd be able
to afford a snazzy solicitor.

Unlike the agents in the old town,
this one's actually wearing shoes.

Though not pants. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry.

I mean, did you think
it was gonna be for ever?

Yeah, course, why not?

Did you, though,

or did some tiny part of you
think that it wouldn't last?

That this marriage was just a Band-Aid

over a much greater wound
in our relationship?

"A much greater wound
in our relationship"?

Who are you, William Wordsmith?

- Worth.
- What's worth?

William Wordsworth.

Who's he?

A poet.

Never heard of him.

Is he as good as William Wordsmith?

Look, that's besides the point.

I just need to know whether you thought
these vows meant anything.

You know,
not since what's done is done,

but when you said those things
to me in the registry office.

Donna, when we got married,
I loved you with everything I had.

Those vows were from the heart.

I would have died for you.

You know, I'd have done anything
to make you do your special smile -

the one you only do for me.

It's not that one.

No, it's not that one.

Now you just look mental.

Marrying you...
Yeah, it was what I'd always wanted.

Messing it up was
the biggest mistake I ever made.

Then why did you do it?

Because... I don't know. Love.

- Our love, it wasn't enough.
- It wasn't.

I'm asking you
if you felt like that because...

when I said those vows... No, even...

even before that, you know? When
we got engaged, when you proposed...

I just always had this feeling
like I was going along with it.

That that was what life was about.

The whole time I had
this little voice in my head...

telling me that it wasn't right,
but I just...

kept ignoring it.

Well, you could have mentioned it!

Here's muggins sat here,
none the wiser, your little voice saying,

"Donna, Gaz isn't right for you.
He isn't good enough for you.

"He accidentally weed on your toothbrush
and didn't tell you."

What?! And...

How?!

After sex,
it shoots off in all directions.

Only buy yellow towels.

Once I sent that tip into Chat magazine -
they never used it.

Well, Gaz, what I'm trying to say is
that it's my fault that we're here.

I should never have married you.

We'd all be so much better off
if we'd never met.

Hello, fat Gaz.

I like it when you come in,
you're very slimming.

I try my best.

Are you off on the pull tonight, then?

Oh, aye. Yeah.

Be off down all the trendy wine bars,
and the clubs of the old town.

Strutting me stuff.
Showing the ladies what I'm made of.

Shall I stick your tune on,
get you in the mood?

Oh, aye, aye.
I could do with a bit of warming up.

♪ My milkshake
brings all the boys to the yard

♪ And they're like
it's better than yours

♪ Damn right, it's better than yours

♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge

♪ My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard

♪ And they're like
it's better than yours

♪ Damn right, it's better than yours

♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge... ♪

I see fat Gaz is in again.

I know. It's a shame, isn't it?

Well, he looks happy enough.

I've never seen him
with a woman, though.

Well, apparently he was
quite a looker in his youth.

- All of the women fancied him.
- Never!

Yeah. He couldn't settle down, though,

so he just lives this hedonistic lifestyle
of eating, drinking and...

Well, not sex any more,
I can tell you that.

How can he even find the thing?

Look at him go! What a tragedy.

If only he'd met the right woman.

It's a tragedy.

I can't imagine how my life
would be different if we never met.

Oh, yes, I can.

(# INSTRUMENTAL: Moon River)

- Morning, Miss Henshaw.
- Morning, Coots.

Have a bunch of cash, I'm loaded.
Is the toyboy ready?

Scrubbed and waiting, Miss Henshaw.

Excellent.

(SHE LAUGHS)

If I'd never met you,
I could have had a limousine! Hmm.

OAF!

Well, go and get one, then!

You've still got time,
still got your looks - for three years.

You've got that brilliant brain.

What's stopping you signing these papers,
and grabbing your dream?

This says Mike Tyson!

Gaz!

And yours says Vera Lynn!

Oh, why can't we do this?!

- Because... we don't want to be divorced.
- No.

So you'll stay together?

- (BOTH) No!
- We don't wanna be divorced from anyone.

We don't want to be divorcées.

We don't have to be.

I don't wanna stay married to you, Gaz.

I don't wanna be married to you.

What if...
I marry Janet, you marry Wesley?

Wesley isn't just gonna marry me
like that.

I know I'm a catch,
but it's too soon.

But he will do one day.

And I... you know,
I really wanna marry Janet.

The way I feel about her...

Is it the same way you felt about me?

Happy, Gaz?

Yeah!

(THINKING) This was a mistake.

- Enjoy!
- Cheers, Tim.

(SHE BURPS)

Better out than in.

(THINKING) This was a mistake.

Gaz, I need to go round Louise's
on Friday night

to tell her how pretty
and thin she is for three hours.

- Your turn, is it?
- Mmm.

Donna did a double shift of it
last week. Will you baby-sit?

Yeah, course.

Me and Corinthian have a great time
when you're not here.

(THINKING) This is the best decision
I've ever made.

So? Is it the same?

Sometimes, yeah.

I mean, yeah, I feel...

just as in love with...

that person as I did with you.

Then we should do this.
Gimme those papers.

Come here.

(SHE SOBS)

So, Mrs Wilkinson...

Ah!

Miss Henshaw, I think you'll find.

I'd best go and buy a ring.

You never got me a ring.

I wanna do it differently this time.

You know, properly.
For the person I love.

Good luck to you, then.

Yeah, good luck yourself.

Thank you.

I could sling work her way.

Yeah, you've got that market stall.

This is just what I need
to get me out the house.

I am still part of your life, aren't I?

- For old times' sake...
- Yeah!

You need a USP.

I think you'll find I have two.

That's not gonna help you
down the market, is it?

Depends what kind of market.

What are you up to tonight?

Wesley's got a meeting
with the market inspector, so...

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender,
give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't

♪ Handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪