Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 8, Episode 4 - Ello Ello - full transcript

I'm back in Runcorn for one thing...

...Donna.

I've got an interview to be
a community support officer.

She likes witty men.
Hence my opening gambit -

sit on my face,
I'll guess your weight.

If I move in with you,
there's something I want you to do.

Anything.

I want you to divorce Gaz.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now



♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪

- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
- Oi!

I need to take good care of this uniform.
Only two are issued.

I'll get in trouble if I get
any baby sick or your dick sick on it.

No chance of that.
When you got this policing job

I expected the uniform
to be a bit sexier.

Can't you turn it up or down, or...

take it off and stick a truncheon
up your arse or sommat?

No, Gaz.
I'm in a very responsible position.

I'm doing this for you. You earned
my respect by getting a divorce.

Now I want to earn yours.
Show me your respect.

- I can show you I'm erect.
- Ew!



I got you sommat.

I worry about you being on the streets
alone, so... I got you this.

A vibrator?

In a manner of speaking.

It's a Taser.

What?! They're illegal!
Where did you get a Taser from?

- Calm down!
- Gaz, I'm an officer of the law!

I'm not going to earn your respect
through violence.

I'm only saying this out of kindness,

but you're a tiny, weak,
pathetic little woman.

You need a weapon.

The only weapon I need is my brain.

Oh, right, and where's your brain gonna be

when you're up against a wall
surrounded by gangsters? Eh?

Then one of them makes you... strip.

Then... then you get covered in Ragú while
Tony Soprano's daughter licks it off.

That was his godson.

Please, just take it.
Violence never hurt anyone.

No, Gaz, I'm going to earn respect
the right way.

I am going to arrest my first criminal!

Now, get to work, Sunny Jim.

I need to practise my "oi"!

So, how are you feeling?

About what?

About the break-up
of the boy band Blue, Wesley(!)

About moving up North, about living
with me, about our new life together.

Oh. It's nice.
I've got my market stall all sorted.

I'm selling grapes and everything.
Two for a pound!

- Well done.
- It's just...

Ignore me. I'm probably jet-lagged.

The North isn't in a different time zone.

I really miss my mates, Donna.

Don't worry, you'll soon settle in.
Why don't I phone Gaz?

But I can barely understand him.
His accent's really thick.

The rest of him is too.

Just try, Wesley, for me.

I will, for you.

Get your pears!

Well done.

Right, I'm off to Janet's
before I go to work.

Oh, your Market Stall Monthly's arrived.

Oh, family Beale.

What's a boy to do?

So, Caprice, when's the photo shoot?

- I beg your pardon.
- You!

- What are you doing? What's all this?
- Donna...

I'm a self-reliant yummy mummy.

I utterly refuse to be a pleb.

Have you not seen Elizabeth Hurley?

Only ever in white jeans.

Or with an ugly millionaire
hanging out the back of her.

I've got a reputation to uphold.

You see these women who, after
they've flobbed out a baby, get all...

What's the word?

...maternal.

I just don't want that
happening to me.

So where is little Louise Louise?

Oh, I've left her
with Tim's wife, Helena.

They're a nice family. He's given me
my job back - have I not told you?

Probably, but I tend not to listen.

That's just ignorant.

See? Went straight over my head!

- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
- Look at you!

That is totally lesbian chic.

You look like Dixon of Dyke Green!

Janet, I really admire you.

Ajob, a baby, a home...

Your husband.

You're like proof that women these days
can really have it all.

- Including your husband.
- Yes, thank you, Louise. BUT...

he won't be my husband
for much longer.

We are getting a divorce.

(GASPS) Donna!

Ajob behind the bar at the Archer
and divorced by 26!

You really are
living the dream there.

How have we not killed her?

Now, now, ladies!
Let's have a little calm, please.

This is my beat,
and I demand respect.

Aw! Bless her.

What do you mean, "bless her"?
I do demand respect.

Gaz even made this in the garage
for my first day. He's really proud of me.

Oh, look! Janet's had an idea!

You'll see.
(AMERICAN) I'm gonna clean up Gotham City.

Ooh! So you're going all Batman?

She's gone all batshit.

Right. Time to bags me a criminal.

Let's be 'avin me!

Oi!

Aw, you've got to admire her.

No, you haven't,
you've got to admire ME.

No, Janet's got a decent job
and a happy home.

That's impressive, considering what
she's been through. She's Supermum.

I've been through a lot! I'll have
you know a very good friend of mine

was eaten by a shark last year.

Louise, I'm sure you are
an... interesting parent

in a Judy Garland kind of way.

But, you know, you devote
most of your time to looking perfect,

whereas Janet devotes all her time
to being a good mum.

So, what you're saying is, in order to be
a good mother, I have to look like Janet?

Well...

Sorry! I forgot to take this off!

Wouldn't want to look silly.

Oi!

Oh, crap!

(# THEME: The Bill)

- Oi! You can't park there, Sunny Jim.
- Sod off.

Oi! That's illegal... Mummy Jim.

Oi! Stop that illegal drinking,
Hoodie Jim.

This is too hard.

Oi!

(COCKNEY ACCENT) Half a pound of cockles!

Get your lovely bananas!

What are you doing here?

Donna phoned me.
To help you settle in.

- Why are you on my bed?
- It's MY bed, actually,

from when I lived here.

I'd recognise this baby anywhere.

I've covered nearly every inch
of this mattress.

Bit on the headboard on a good day.

Listen, Gaz, I'm glad you're here.

There's a few things
that are bothering me about Runcorn.

Well, there's a few things
need getting used to.

The smell, for example.

The one that makes you
cough up blood?

That's the fella. That, Wesley,
is the local animal rendering plant.

Just think of it
as an over-friendly cousin.

Which brings me on
to the over-friendly cousins.

You've led an enviable life, Gaz.

I'm just finding it hard settling in.

I ain't got no mates, I'm setting up
a new business... Want some jam?

Gaz, will you teach me the ways
of this town? I just want to fit in.

Oh, I'll teach you, Wesley Presley.

I'll teach you good.

Walk this way.

Whoa!

Walk THIS way.

(HE GASPS)

Oh, ha-ha(!) Whatever. Before they judge,

I think someone needs
to take a look in the mirror.

- Yes, you do.
- (GASPS)

Oh, it's me.

Tim, do you think I pull this off?

Yes, you should definitely pull it off.

Then burn it, stamp on it
and stick it in the post to Bosnia.

I borrowed it from Janet's wardrobe.

It's not exactly red carpet, is it?

More Allied Carpet.

I just thought if I dressed like Janet,
I'd be as good a mum as her.

Well, I shouldn't aim too high.

Corinthian is stiff competition.

I know! He can sit up straight.

Louise Louise just does this.

She's not teething or talking.

And between you and me, her personal
hygiene leaves a lot to be desired.

She's ten weeks old!

I just don't want her
to grow up... normal!

I've got a degree in sociology.

I'm practically a genius!

What if she's... average?

It'd be my fault.

You should get her some Mozart.

- Why? What'd that do?
- Mozart improves the IQ.

All the posh mums are at it.

Is Liz Hurley at it?

Only with ugly millionaires.

But CDs are expensive.

I need to find a way
of getting me some money.

- Hmm. Can I have some money?
- No!

Donna?
You look like you've seen a ghost.

My... divorce papers have come through.
So it's really happening.

Aw! Can I have some money?

Away with you, Louise,
you trampy little turd!

I am not trampy!

I'm just begging for money
dressed in some skanky clothes!

Even dressed like this, I'm still
the most lovely thing that ever did be!

Donna, love, come and sit down.

Come on. Tell me all about it.

Oh... Ssh. Later.

And this, Wesley, is a pasty.

They have many uses, from loft insulation
to a dummy for a baby.

Yeah, we've got pasties in London, Gaz.

But do you have these ones? Taste.

It tastes like armpit.

Not just armpit.

Eyebrow, anus and testicle.

Yes. Now...

do you have flat caps,
ferrets or whippets in that London?

No!

Neither do we. So stop being prejudiced,
you Southern bastard.

Some little twat
threw yoghurt at me!

- I've got to use my spare.
- You should have tasered him!

No, Gaz. I won't earn your respect
by going round shooting people,

like some kind of American.

Anyway, the first thing
about fitting in in Runcorn

is getting the accent right.

Don't worry about that.
I've been practising. Listen.

(STANDARD ENGLISH ACCENT) Hello.
My name is Wesley Presley.

I'm from Runcorn.

It's brilliant.

Er, local knowledge. A bit of local
knowledge never did anyone any harm.

I've been doing some research,
on my iPhone.

Interesting facts about Runcorn.

Nicola from Girls Aloud was born here.
The town has a swimming pool.

Macy Gray has never visited Runcorn.

No, no. I mean... you need to know
about the pubs and the bars,

the clubs and the restaurants.

- All I've been to is the Archer.
- The Archer?

You've only been to the Archer?!

Yeah, that's about it, to be honest.

Gaz, wash this, will you?
Hi, Wesley Presley.

Now, time to make an arrest.

Surely someone round here's
been a naughty Nigel.

Probably Nigel the Nonce,
come to think of it.

Look, Gaz, I just don't want
to be lonely up here.

It's hard being the only one who knows
the rhyming slang for apples and pears.

Stairs.

That's what we want you to think.
It's "extortionate taxi fares".

My divorce papers have come through.

You see, Gaz, I'm all alone,

and all alone in a room full of people
can be the loneliest place of all.

Except if you're in a room
with no-one in it.

(DOOR CLOSES)

That's even lonelier.

(HE GAGS)

Donna, Donna, Donna.

Many of the world's most successful people
have been divorced.

Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor.

I could go on.

It's not the be-all and end-all.

It's the be-all and end-all.

- Gaz!
- I know!

- It's just so tragic.
- I know.

- It's just so sad.
- I know.

Come here.

Hello, Donna. It's Wesley!

Wesley, I'm sorry,
my divorce papers have come through.

- That's a coincidence. So did Gaz's.
- It's just a bit emotional.

Yeah. They've been married
over three months.

Shut up, Tim!

We need to make a list. What's mine
is mine and what's yours is yours.

- Get it over with quickly.
- Come on.

What about my fitting-in lesson?

Gaz? Gaz!

Gaz? Gaz? Gaz? Gaz?

- Donna?
- Yeah?

I can't remember
what I was going to say.

- Where's Nigel the Nonce? Gaz, look!
- Janet,

my divorce papers have come through.
I've gotta go, I'm busy.

But look at me, I'm policing!

Gaz. Gaz. Gaz.

- Gaz. Donna!
- Janet, we're busy.

- It's Tim, isn't it?
- Yes. Boycie, is it?

Wesley.

So, what can you tell me
about your quaint little town?

Oh, so you want to fit in, do you?
Say no more.

We'll have you Runcorning like a good 'un
before the day is out.

Ooh!

You're very tall, aren't you?

Very tall. Tall as if he has
fake legs full of cocaine!

Yes. Let that be a lesson to you.

Now...

...what is the square
on the hypotenuse equal to?

Come on.

No, it isn't spit bubble, you oaf!
Look, I'm just...

Get your thieving mitts
away from my property, scumbag!

(SHE SQUEALS)

Sorry, Louise.
I didn't mean to startle you.

Oh. So I suppose the whole
jumping out on me with a gun

and shouting was supposed to lull me
to sleepy bye-byes, was it?

It's not a gun, it's a Taser.

I'm dropping it down the station
this afternoon.

Oh! You look lovely today, Louise.

Well, keep it away from me
and Louise Louise, you psycho.

God! You make my mother look
the picture of sanity,

- and all she does is eat her own hair.
- She doesn't.

Well, I say it's hers,
but some of it tastes of cat to me.

I just feel like nobody is taking me
seriously. Especially Gaz.

Aw! Maybe you should try a manicure,
or a formal education.

I have GCSEs!

I can't be that stupid. Corinthian
is the cleverest baby in the world.

He's already absorbed the alphabet...

in spaghetti form,
but it's still in him.

So?!

Louise Louise can...

...better than any baby I know.

Look, I've gotta get back to work.

I need to find some criminals
to impress Gaz.

The Archer's a den of iniquity.

I hear Arthur smuggles cocaine
in the folds of his scrotum.

Although that could just be dandruff.

So I think the biggest outlay
in that area of our lives came from me,

therefore I should get
the majority of it.

OK. You drive a damn hard bargain,
Gaz Wilkinson. Fine.

As much as you're killing me here,

you can keep the granny porn.

Yes!

Right. That's about it.

All the knick-knacks and clothes
and jewellery, that's yours.

Well, no, not quite, Gaz.

Not ALL the jewellery.

- You don't mean...?
- Yeah.

Donna, love, that was a gift!

I know how important the Licensed
Booby Inspector brooch is to you.

As charming a gift as that was
for our first Christmas together,

I'm talking about this.

What's that? A washer?

I doubt it was as expensive as a washer.
It's my wedding ring.

Why's it all bent out of shape and flat?

Because, you know, London is nearer
to the equator than Runcorn.

So it melted...

...when I repeatedly hit it with a shoe.

Why did you do that?!

Er, the whole making me move
halfway across the country thing.

I didn't make you move to London!

You didn't make me feel welcome staying.

Oh, so the next time I fall in love
with someone, I'll put a spread on.

- Just take it.
- I don't want it!

If this is how you feel about
our marriage, I don't want it.

Actually, any of it.

Any memory I've got of our relationship,
you can have it.

You've already got the flat,
the kitchen, the bed we slept in.

You can have that.

Especially the bloody headboard!

It's not bloody. It's spunky!

And step, step, shimmy!

- Step, step, shimmy!
- No, no, no!

You've not got the shimmy bit right.

It's not "shimmy".

- It's shimmy!
- Shimmy!

Boy George, I think he's got it!

Are you absolutely sure this is
the traditional dance of Runcorn?

I swear on my lover's grave.

Thanks for the help.

I've got the regional dish,
the dance, the history.

I'm still no closer to fitting in, though.

Gaz? I'm about to make my first arrest,

probably. Out of my way,
you law-abiding scumbag.

See?!

- All right, Sunny Jim?
- It's Sunny TIM, actually.

Talk to the badge.

Oh, let's see.

Oh, you're a police community support
officer. So not a real policewoman.

I am. And I am going to
clean up this town.

Anyone here breaking the law,
I advise you come forward right now!

You won't find anything here.

This place is as squeaky clean
as a Dreamboy's thong.

We'll just see about that.

I've got one here
if you want to check.

Stop disrespecting me!

This is the final straw!

Now, what is the capital
of Nicaragua?

Come on, neither of us want
to end up like Janet.

Oh, hi, Janet. You've changed.

I'm not Janet!
I'm just wearing her clothes.

Oh, is that another Runcorn thing?
"Wearing each other's clothes."

- It's Louise, isn't it?
- Yes. Hello, Wesley Presley.

And this is Corinthian?

Small for his age.

No, you foul, yet cheeky, chappie.

This is Louise Louise.

She's only ten weeks.

Oh, right. She's a beauty.

She isn't a car,
you random Southerner, she's a baby.

And thank God she is a beauty.

She's a complete thicko.

Is she? How do you know?
Is she not rolling over yet?

God, yeah, six weeks had that down.

- Can she smile?
- Yeah.

And laugh. She's always chuckling,
the little imbecile.

How do you know she's thick, then?
Is she not able to grasp things?

She can't even grasp the basics
of mathematical philosophy.

No, I mean rattles and boobies.

She was grasping on things
before she was born.

She pulled out her own umbilical cord
like she was in a tug of war.

Then she is bloody advanced!
She's a bloody genius!

Is she?

She's far more advanced
than mine was at his age.

- Oops.
- You have a kid?

Yeah, but Donna doesn't know, OK?

I'm trying to break it to her gently.

You mustn't tell her
while she's going through so much.

Oh! Doesn't she?

That's OK. I'm good at keeping secrets.

And lying. But don't let that worry you.

Let's go and show off.

Brilliant. Now, just need
to borrow some clothes.

Marrying you was the worst mistake
I ever made.

No, Gaz. Sleeping with my bridesmaid
was the worst mistake you ever made!

It's tradition! The groom's supposed
to sleep with the bridesmaid!

That's the best man!

Well, I buggered that one up, didn't I?!

Don't make light of this, Gaz!

I'm not. When you get married to Wesley,
and I'm the best man...

- I don't give a shit about Wesley!
- Oh.

- Oh... Wesley...
- We'll talk about this later, Donna.

You've hurt me with your deception.

Oh, frigging hell!

Donna, are you in a hurry
to marry anyone else?

No. Are you?

I don't know.

I don't know!

I can't just marry Janet straight after
we get divorced. It wouldn't seem right.

It'd be like having pudding number one
straight before pudding number two.

Janet lets me have two puddings.

And as much as I like
being compared to a trifle...

Oh! A trifle!
Can tell you've been to London!

Yes, as much as I like it,

I just think we're too raw at the minute

to have the kind of divorce
that we'd both like.

What? One that lasts for ever?
For richer, for poorer?

In sickness and in health.

A happy one.

- In direct contradiction to our marriage.
- You should keep this, then.

Thanks.

No, wait.

What are you doing, you knobhead?

Donna Wilkinson...

Yes, Gaz Wilkinson,
you weird little man?

Will you make me
the happiest man in the world

and be my lawfully estranged wife?

I will(!)

(HE CHUCKLES)

Better go and tell Janet
the divorce is off.

She'll be all right with it, won't she?

Yeah, she's a pushover, is Janet.

I am at the end of my tether
with you people!

You will respect my authority!

Nobody disses Janet K!

- Illegal gambling!
- Janet!

Arthur's playing for toothpicks.

Not that he uses them
on his dentures.

Breath like he's been lapping out
a colostomy bag.

Right, right. (GASPS)

Illegal weapons!

These are darts! I don't know what
you're playing at, you silly little woman.

Nobody listens to me!
I am the most powerful person in this room

and no-one is paying me any attention!

That uniform's gone to your head.

And your ankles,
but I refuse to pass judgment.

I will make an arrest today
if it's the last thing I do.

You won't find anyone here
up to anything improper.

- Shut it!
- (LAUGHS)

Don't you laugh at me.
I eat scum like you for breakfast.

I am an officer of the law.
I'm earning Gaz's respect.

You're not, sweetie,
you're a pushover.

- I am not.
- You are too.

- Am not.
- Are too.

Am not!

- Hate to say I told you so.
- Janet? Janet,

me and Donna, we've come to a decision
and we're not getting divorced.

You're not getting divorced? But...

See? Told you she'd be all right.

- What are you doing on the floor?
- (RIPPING)

(ALL LAUGH)

She's ripped her kecks!

Perhaps you should go easy
on that scum you eat for breakfast, dear.

Janet, I'm glad you're here.

Little Louise has bypassed
your stupid little baby in every way!

I'm a way better mother than you.

Do you people know
what this uniform means?

You should be respecting it,
and me in it! ...Gaz!

- You found it, then?
- Yeah. And behold, I am a Runcornian!

Step, step, shimmy!

He actually looks better than you
in the uniform.

Right, that's it!

(FIZZLING)

Yes. Let that be a lesson to you.

- Somebody call the police!
- The real police.

Oi!

Sorry.

So what exactly happened here?

This man was impersonating
a police officer.

(SHIVERING) I was just
trying to fit in!

So I put an ice cube down his neck.

She tasered him.
She's a terrible mother.

- I was only doing my duty, constable.
- Come on.

Constable! Constable! Oi!

So... how did things go with Gaz?

Oh, God.
Look, Wesley, what I said before,

I do give a shit about you.
Look at you!

All six foot three
police-impersonating,

step, step, shimmying,
pasty-smelling inch of you!

I was just trying to fit in.

You have! You really tried for me.

More than anybody else ever has.
Gaz wouldn't do what you did.

You know, change his life,
like you have.

I mean, look at the state of you.

I just wanted to be a part of the town.
Part of your life!

We'll finalise it next week.
I'll be divorced immediately.

- (FIZZ)
- Ow!

Don't make this difficult,
we need to end this.

He shagged my best friend.

She moved to London.

Did you think, when we were looking
into each other's eyes,

that we'd end up here?

♪ My milkshake brings all the boys
to the yard

♪ And they like it
better than yours... ♪

Oh, why can't we do this?!

Because... we don't want to be divorced.

- No.
- So you'll stay together?

BOTH: No!

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪