Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 8, Episode 3 - Flan Van - full transcript
Whilst Tim persuades Louise that her baby does not need a father figure and that she can go it alone Donna is annoyed after Gaz tries to set her up with a tramp as well as giving Wesley courtship advice that she finds questionable though she sees that he has her genuine interests at heart. Nonetheless she decides to set up house with Wesley. After a youth mugs her Janet becomes a police Community Support Officer.
In a few hours, you'll have parental
responsibility of Corinthian
and we'll be a proper family.
Who's more responsible than Gazman?
I'm trying to be the best dad ever.
By asking men to sit on your lap
and play with your balls?
If you're not 100%/ happy
in that London, talk to him.
OK.
I've made up my mind.
I'm moving back to Runcorn!
(ALL GASP)
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪
Who's a good boy for coming
shopping with Mummy? Corinthian is!
Though we did make a little puddle,
didn't we? Didn't we?
Didn't we? Yes, we did!
Fancy that! Both of us weeing
ourselves at the same time.
- Give me your purse.
- Is that a toffee apple?
Yeah, and I'm not afraid to use it.
- You're robbing me?
- Just give it me.
Then you'll probably
try and touch me, won't you?
No.
Oh. Why not, you snob?
Give me your purse!
Help! A boy just stole my purse,
please. Someone! Argh!
This is empty.
Can I have your phone instead?
Mugged! I've been mugged.
So, come on, what happens next?
When do you arrest him?
- You all right, love?
- You're the cops! The rozzers. The pigs.
You're supposed to kick his door down
whilst wearing an Aran sweater.
I saw it in a documentary once.
Yes, it was a documentary called
The Sweeney. Oh, look, forget it!
I bid you good day.
- What's happened?
- I got mugged.
You what? Who was it? Did he touch you?
Did he touch Corinthian?
I'll knock his frigging head off!
I'd use the other hand.
He took everything, Gaz.
My phone, my wallet, my dignity.
Come here, come here.
I'm all right, Gaz.
I'm just a bit shaken.
It's OK. Daddy's home now.
Everything's going to be OK.
OK, shush.
Shush!
- Shushy, shushy!
- Gaz. What are you doing?
Everything sounds more comforting
when I use this voice,
doesn't it, little one? Eh?
Brain tumour.
- Robert Kilroy-Silk.
- Gaz! Get off me!
- What?
- Stop treating me like a baby.
I bet you never used to
talk to Donna like that.
But you're my
precious little flower.
Gaz, I can look after myself as well.
In fact, I'll prove how tough I am.
I'm going to...
join the police force.
You can't just join the police.
It takes years of training.
Fine. Then I'll be one of those ones
in the funny outfits.
What? Leprechauns?
No, you know, Community Support Officer.
Then you'll see.
Anyway, you're wrong about Donna.
She does need looking after.
Hey, do you know what?
In fact, maybe I should
set her up with someone.
Well, whatever you do, Gaz, don't
end up having sex with her yourself.
Janet, how dare you? I'm not some
kind of walking erection
with his head in his ball-bag
who goes round having sex...
Right, fine. I'll try not to.
So, this is it.
Me, on my own in Runcorn.
I may even end up like that
mental woman with all the cats
who smells of wee.
Janet hasn't got cats.
But I don't care,
because I am officially off men.
They are nothing but trouble,
so I'm sealing it off.
I am building a wall
around my lady-meadow.
But you can't do that!
It's a public right of way.
Well, not any more.
My fluffy haddock pie
is officially off the menu.
I would not care if Mr Darcy
walked in here
with a Lindt bunny
stuck on the end of his cock.
- All right, Donna? I'm back.
- Wesley. What are you doing here?
Look, can I have a word with you?
In private.
I just want to say, I forgive you.
Now get your stuff.
We're going back to London.
Oh!
So, I spoke to the Staff Sergeant
and guess what?
I've got an interview
to be a Community Support Officer.
So what will you be doing?
Dealing with criminals, Louise.
Rapists, murderers,
people who drop Nik-Nak packets.
- That very literally sounds fascinating.
- I know.
- I've just got to pass the interview.
- Good luck with that, you tedious chav.
- What's wrong with you today?
- I'm just a little...
...tired.
Oh, you poor thing.
How is the little one?
Well, he's been quite sad
since the big one died,
but he still plays a lot of golf.
Not Ronnie Corbett.
- Your little one, Louise.
- Oh, she's absolutely great.
Last night, she slept for two whole
minutes. One right after the other.
Corinthian was just the same
when Jonny died.
I couldn't get him to lie down.
Not Jonny, obviously.
He couldn't get enough of lying down,
what with being dead and everything.
Then what happened?
Well, a few months later,
Gaz moved in and everything changed.
It made such a difference, having
someone else to get up in the night.
My mum used to do that for me,
but they've changed her drugs again
and now she's in a stabby phase.
It's hard being a single mum.
Yeah, and plebby.
Oh! I need to get me a baby-daddy!
Wesley, I can't.
I can't leave my mates.
They are not your mates.
Of course they are!
OK, I know Gaz cheated on me.
And Janet stabbed me in the back.
And Louise is a squeaky twat-bag.
They're all I've got.
And besides, anyway, I am off men.
I have drawn my turkey curtains
for the last time.
I wanna be with you, Donna.
I mean, for crying out loud, I came
all the way to Runcorn for you.
I didn't even have time
to get a tetanus shot!
Well, you will
be going home empty-handed.
Because I don't need me no man.
You see, that tends to look
a bit more impressive
when you can actually click your fingers.
Oh, listen. Don't worry about her.
No man has been able to understand her
since Gaz.
Gaz, you say.
Now, to give the place
that little touch of class,
pot pourri.
Which I've learnt is French
for "not crisps".
- Donna, I was just passing.
- Right.
No, I'm not finished yet.
I was just passing wind.
(HE FARTS)
Ah! Anyway,
I've been feeling a bit guilty.
About you ending up back here
all on your own, right.
Oh. How kind!
Cos you're so precious,
you need someone to look after you.
So I'm gonna set
you up with someone.
Aw! And as sweet and as patronising
as that is,
I'm not actually interested in men.
I've already found you someone.
Barry!
Gaz, who's this?
Your new boyfriend, Donna.
Barry the Pisshead.
- Barry the Pisshead, Donna.
- (HE MUMBLES)
Scallops.
Barry the Pisshead?
Ah, it's an affectionate nickname,
isn't it, Barry?
(LAUGHS) Scampi.
My, what a kook. Barry the Pisshead,
could you excuse us for a second?
(MUMBLES) ...Property Ladder.
Gaz, did you find him in the pub?
Of course not!
I found him in the bushes...
outside the pub.
Oh, my God. Is he a tramp?
It's all I could get
at short notice.
I'll take him back to the bushes
and swap him for Creepy Pete.
Gaz, I don't need you to set me up!
I don't want another boyfriend.
I'm not lonely. Anyway, the only man
I'm interested in lives too far away.
Buzz Lightyear?
Yes, Gaz.
Fine, whatever you say.
I'll phone all the men I had set up
for you and say you're not interested.
I'll have a Pringle.
Right, it says I need to explain
my personal policing style.
Am I a good cop or a bad cop?
'Fess up, you naughty little bitch,
or I'll rip your cock off
and ram it down your throat!
- What?
- Does Tim want a little cuddle? He does!
Oh. That feels quite nice.
Shut it!
Or I'll stuff my fist so far up your arse
I'll be picking your teeth for you!
Diana in heaven!
Next, it says I have to be able
to visit people
and break bad news to them.
I can do that.
- Tim.
- Ah, Louise. Long time, no squeak.
The thing is, I'm looking for
a baby-daddy for little Louise
and I was thinking...
Me? Little ole tap-dancing,
shoe-shuffling, huggable,
loveable bar-tending ole me?
- No, you oaf.
- Right.
I want someone a bit older.
Maybe someone good with money,
a nice job in the media.
Someone with a bit of mystery.
OK, Louise.
You've just described the banker
from Deal Or No Deal.
I know. Apparently, he's not up for it.
He's a miserable old bitch!
Though now you mention it,
maybe you wouldn't be so bad.
And everyone knows
gays make the best dads.
What are you talking about?
Who started this rumour?
Do you still want to be
the baby-daddy or not?
Not on your Nelly Furtado!
I just want a man.
Maybe I'll try Gaz.
Fine! And FYI, bitch-tits,
I'm as straight as J-Lo's fringe!
Yeah, I'm sorry for wasting your
time, Creepy Pete.
She's just not interested
in blokes any more.
You're doing it again, aren't you?
Cos I can hear your skin flapping.
All right, fine.
But then we're even, right.
Oh... Oh, you are a big boy.
- You're so big, so...
- (KNOCKING)
I've got to go.
Oh, that Creepy Pete. He is creepy.
You! I thought you'd pissed off
back to where you came from.
I did. I'm back in Runcorn for one thing.
- Donna.
- Oh. You'd better come in.
Look, Gaz,
whatever you might think about me...
Yeah, you're a Southern twat
with a twatty name.
Proceed.
I'm serious about Donna. I mean,
why else would myself and my iPhone
come all the way
to the arsehole of the universe?
Oi! Runcorn
is not the arsehole of the universe.
It's the matted hair around
the arsehole of the universe.
Anyway, I kinda got to thinking,
if anyone knows how to win
Donna's heart, it's you.
Really?
So what do you reckon?
You gonna help me out?
All right, fine. I'll help you.
She likes witty men.
Hence my opening gambit, "Sit on my face
and I'll guess your weight."
- Wow. That really worked?
- Eight stone, three pound.
Blimey.
What if she asks
about your interests?
I like cooking, a bit of running...
Uh-urrr!
She likes men who are into cars
and hardcore pornography.
- Are you absolutely sure about this?
- Who knows more about banging Donna,
- me or you?
- Good point.
What's your attitude
to touching yourself in public?
Er, I don't do it.
Wrong.
Observe.
And to finish...
Drives her absolutely nuts.
- Ah. Hi.
- Donna Wilkinson, nee Henshaw?
Yes.
I'm afraid it's your grandma.
She's, um... she's dead.
What?
She, er...
she got hit by a bakery van.
I wanted to tell you before
you saw it on the local news.
They're going with the headline,
Nan Slam By Man In Flan Van.
- Janet... oh, my God...
- Not really.
Sorry, I'm just practising
for my new job.
God, I'm good at being sensitive!
Wow! God, I love what
you've done with the place.
Oh, nibbles and everything.
Oh, cheers. Do excuse the tramp.
Donna, look. Are you all right,
being back here and everything?
Course I am. What do you mean?
It's just, Gaz has got it into
his head that you're all lonely.
Lonely? That's... (LAUGHS)
I'm not lonely!
So you're not, you know,
moping around like a big,
sad, old, miserable lesbo?
No! As if!
Right. It's just, I feel bad,
you know, that I've got Gaz...
Well, I stole Gaz. And you've got...
well... Barry, the shithead.
Fisherman's Friend!
Could you stay out of this,
please, Barry?
- Thank you.
- (JANET LAUGHS)
What?
It's just,
you're like I was a year ago.
No job, no man, no hope.
It's just funny how things change.
Yeah.
You know what? Wesley was right.
You and Gaz, you're not my friends,
coming around here, patronising me.
Donna, hang on...
You know what? I'm gonna go
and find Wesley right now
and tell him that I'm ready
to go back to London with him.
- Oh, what have I done?
- Yeast infection.
And then, what if Donna asks,
"Do you fancy eating out tonight?"
I go, "Absolutely. I hear
there's a lovely fish restaurant...
"in your knickers."
- And then do what?
- Er, I go like this...
While doing...
While secretly massaging the tip
of my penis through my pocket.
She's gonna love you. Right,
practise on Louise. Now, calm.
Now! Go on.
You've got 206 bones in your body.
Want one more?
I'm welling up over here!
What's going on?
Softy-bollocks just become a man.
Now, go forth and multiply.
Cheers, Gaz. Right,
I'm off to win my beloved's heart!
Gaz... I want you to be
a father figure for little Louise.
You what?
Well, I just want to make
sure she grows up right.
Course she's gonna grow upright.
She's not going to
grow up sideways, is she?
Properly, idiot.
I'm not coping on my own and
you've helped raise Corinthian,
and he seems perfectly...
- (GASPS)
- What?
Oh, my God. He's chewing tobacco!
Tobacco?
Don't be ridiculous, Louise!
It's not tobacco. It's mud.
What about his little tongue?
Louise, Louise, Louise...
It's his milk tongue.
He'll grow another one.
How do I look?
Donna, if I wasn't
a happily married man,
I'd rip your clothes off,
strap something to you
and bend myself
over the pinball machine.
Good enough for me.
Now, go get him, you great big
freaky-haired sex leopard!
- Hi.
- Yes... hello.
I'm Wesley. But you can call me...
anytime. Especially
during the middle of the night
when I will be available for sex with you,
your sister and your mum.
- Right. My mum's dead.
- Yeah, I know.
OK. That's great.
I just wanted to ask,
were your parents retarded,
because you're really special?
Right. You see, the whole
mum being dead thing,
it's still kind of a bit sensitive.
Yeah, sorry. Please continue.
You were right -
what you were saying about
my mates being bastards.
My interests include Transit vans
and hardcore pornography.
Right. And I was thinking that maybe
I should come back to London...
I have a wide range of hobbies,
including masturbation,
mutual masturbation
and masturbation in public.
Wesley, are you massaging the tip
of your penis through your pocket?
Absolutely!
Gaz!
He put you up to this, didn't he?
The patronising, interfering wanker!
And as for you,
I thought you were different.
Donna, I can explain, though...
Yeah? Well, why don't you stick
this in your big stupid iPhone.
I am not coming back to London
with you. Not now, not ever.
Stop putting it in your iPhone!
So? How do I look? No need to answer.
Stop rubbing yourself through your pocket.
Well spotted.
A good officer has the eyes
of a hawk, the ears of a...
hawk and the speed of a...
Why don't they just employ hawks?
Don't worry.
It's a casual little job interview.
You're right. And if all else fails,
I can do this...
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
That's amazing.
All I need to do now is to practise
my conflict resolution.
Gaz Wilkinson, you total shitehouse!
Well, now,
there's a stroke of luck.
Is it about the homeless man
I left in your flat?
I'll get rid of him,
I'll set some traps or something.
No, Gaz, this is about you,
interfering in MY life!
What the hell did you do to Wesley?!
I just gave him a few pointers.
How to turn you on and suchlike.
By suggesting that my
dead mother is retarded
and then masturbating himself
through his clothes?
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
if I may just interject.
And you're even worse!
Don't you know how to control him?
Of course I do.
I masturbate him through his clothes.
Look, as a PCSO I can handle this.
Let's all take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
And now try to visualise your anger
as a big white ball of light.
That's amazing!
Yeah - vanishing
at the first sign of trouble.
Just like the real police!
I don't need you
to interfere with my life,
and I don't need a boyfriend.
It's just I see you sat
in that draughty old flat
like some sad, old lesbian.
Naked...
Then another lesbian turns up.
Asks if she can fix your boiler...
Then the water goes everywhere
and you start playing with each...
I know you're doing this because you care
and you feel guilty about, you know...
Yeah, I do. I hated the way it ended.
So do I! But, you know,
I'm fine on my own!
- So, you're not lonely?
- Course I'm bloody lonely.
But sending over ex-boyfriends
and pissheads... It's condescending.
It means talking down to.
What, like chatting to a toddler?
It very much is.
- So you'll be fine?
- Absolutely.
Come here, then.
Come on.
Shush, shush, shush.
Hepatitis C.
Piers Morgan.
So, Mrs Keogh, tell me why you
think you'd make good PCSO material.
I look good in an Aran sweater.
I love the gays. And I can walk
in time to the music from The Bill.
Right.
Sorry, do you actually have any idea
as to what being a PCSO involves?
Of course I do! We patrol, we give it
the old "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,"
and we beat the crap out of people.
Mrs Keogh, let me level with you.
This role requires someone
with a little more...
- Muscle?
- Sanity.
Oh.
I've messed this up, haven't I?
Nothing wrong with your
observational skills, then.
OK, listen, I got mugged.
I was with my baby and
he took my phone, my wallet...
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Well, the rest of your lot weren't.
I just think if I can stop this
happening,
just by walking
up and down in a silly hat...
I just don't want my baby or
anyone else's baby to grow up in a world
where they have to watch their mum
getting mugged.
I see.
And I don't care what I have to do.
Even if I can't kick,
punch or fire anything...
- Can I kick, punch or fire anything?
- No.
Well, I'll do the job anyway.
Because I want the world
to be a safer place for my family.
Could you explain
this brutality thing?
That's something
I might be interested in pursuing.
Ah. The bitch is back.
Zip it, Claypole,
I'm not in the mood.
Let me guess... Still no
baby-daddy for little Louise?
I interviewed everyone...
even that bloke who hangs around
the bushes buttering his knob.
I interviewed Gaz
and he was too laddy.
I interviewed you and you were just
a big old ball of flaming gayness.
None taken.
I'll never find anyone good enough
for little Louise.
Oh, boo-hoo.
- You'll manage, just get on with it.
- I won't!
I can't get her to sleep,
I can't change nappies,
I'm even rubbish at breastfeeding!
Louise, how can you be
rubbish at breastfeeding?
Because I keep forgetting which
one's skimmed and which one's semi.
Well, hooking up with some random bloke
isn't gonna sort it all out.
I just need help.
No, you don't, you need support.
And do you know what? Here,
right here, you've got something
way more important than a man.
Oh! Gin?
- Friends.
- Oh.
Right. Cheers, Tim.
Don't mention it.
I'm always here. For both of you.
Listen, I need to powder my nose
and I think she needs changing.
Do you mind?
(LAUGHS) You being serious? I've just
manicured. Whoever's next, please?
Oh, my God. I'm all alone.
I'm going to have to be...
self-reliant.
I'm a pleb.
And I just think the time has come
for you to get back
on your own two feet,
clean yourself up,
and most importantly
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FLAT!
- Banjos.
- Yes, exactly.
- Desmond Dekker.
- Good talk, Big Guy.
Oh. You.
- Sorry, you entertaining?
- He's just leaving. Aren't you, Barry?
(HE MUMBLES)
Ah, sod it, suppose I can't
get away with it forever.
You lying little bastard!
Tramps today! They take the piss.
Although I note they do leave
the smell of it behind.
That's me, I've been to Janet's.
Donna, I've come to apologise.
What's Gaz told you this time - bring me
a bottle of Lambrini and Chat magazine?
It's about me moving back to London.
Oh, for God's sake! For the last time,
I'm not coming! Why should I?
Donna, I don't want you
to come and live with me.
- I want to come and live with you.
- What?
You're right. It's time someone
did something special for you.
- So, for you, I'm moving to Runcorn.
- But what about yourjob?
I'll think of something.
My old man's a...
Dustman?
No, market stall holder.
And I've got the gift of the gab.
Get your pears!
That's quite amazing.
I know! I'm gonna get a stall.
And I'm gonna get the Runcorn
website as my iPhone homepage!
Welcome to the matted hair around
the arsehole of the universe!
Thanks, Donna.
But if I move in with you, there's
something I want you to do for me.
Yep, anything.
I want you to divorce Gaz.
OK. Yeah, OK, I will.
Oh! OK, here goes.
Gaz, can I have a word?
Hang on... You're back together!
Ah, Donna, love,
I'm made up for you.
- Gaz, I want a divorce.
- What?
- And I want a quick one.
- Make your mind up!
A quick divorce, Gaz. I don't
want to be Mrs Wilkinson any more.
Fine.
Yeah, that's great! Lovely!
I'd love a divorce.
Oh! Well, thanks, Gaz.
Hey, don't worry.
Gaz, love, you're as white as a sheet.
You look like you've
just seen a ghost.
I feel like I just have.
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Gaz, will you teach me the ways
of this town? I just wanna fit in.
Step, step, shimmy!
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
That is totally lesbian chic.
My divorce papers have come through.
It's really happening, so...
Oh.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪
responsibility of Corinthian
and we'll be a proper family.
Who's more responsible than Gazman?
I'm trying to be the best dad ever.
By asking men to sit on your lap
and play with your balls?
If you're not 100%/ happy
in that London, talk to him.
OK.
I've made up my mind.
I'm moving back to Runcorn!
(ALL GASP)
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪
Who's a good boy for coming
shopping with Mummy? Corinthian is!
Though we did make a little puddle,
didn't we? Didn't we?
Didn't we? Yes, we did!
Fancy that! Both of us weeing
ourselves at the same time.
- Give me your purse.
- Is that a toffee apple?
Yeah, and I'm not afraid to use it.
- You're robbing me?
- Just give it me.
Then you'll probably
try and touch me, won't you?
No.
Oh. Why not, you snob?
Give me your purse!
Help! A boy just stole my purse,
please. Someone! Argh!
This is empty.
Can I have your phone instead?
Mugged! I've been mugged.
So, come on, what happens next?
When do you arrest him?
- You all right, love?
- You're the cops! The rozzers. The pigs.
You're supposed to kick his door down
whilst wearing an Aran sweater.
I saw it in a documentary once.
Yes, it was a documentary called
The Sweeney. Oh, look, forget it!
I bid you good day.
- What's happened?
- I got mugged.
You what? Who was it? Did he touch you?
Did he touch Corinthian?
I'll knock his frigging head off!
I'd use the other hand.
He took everything, Gaz.
My phone, my wallet, my dignity.
Come here, come here.
I'm all right, Gaz.
I'm just a bit shaken.
It's OK. Daddy's home now.
Everything's going to be OK.
OK, shush.
Shush!
- Shushy, shushy!
- Gaz. What are you doing?
Everything sounds more comforting
when I use this voice,
doesn't it, little one? Eh?
Brain tumour.
- Robert Kilroy-Silk.
- Gaz! Get off me!
- What?
- Stop treating me like a baby.
I bet you never used to
talk to Donna like that.
But you're my
precious little flower.
Gaz, I can look after myself as well.
In fact, I'll prove how tough I am.
I'm going to...
join the police force.
You can't just join the police.
It takes years of training.
Fine. Then I'll be one of those ones
in the funny outfits.
What? Leprechauns?
No, you know, Community Support Officer.
Then you'll see.
Anyway, you're wrong about Donna.
She does need looking after.
Hey, do you know what?
In fact, maybe I should
set her up with someone.
Well, whatever you do, Gaz, don't
end up having sex with her yourself.
Janet, how dare you? I'm not some
kind of walking erection
with his head in his ball-bag
who goes round having sex...
Right, fine. I'll try not to.
So, this is it.
Me, on my own in Runcorn.
I may even end up like that
mental woman with all the cats
who smells of wee.
Janet hasn't got cats.
But I don't care,
because I am officially off men.
They are nothing but trouble,
so I'm sealing it off.
I am building a wall
around my lady-meadow.
But you can't do that!
It's a public right of way.
Well, not any more.
My fluffy haddock pie
is officially off the menu.
I would not care if Mr Darcy
walked in here
with a Lindt bunny
stuck on the end of his cock.
- All right, Donna? I'm back.
- Wesley. What are you doing here?
Look, can I have a word with you?
In private.
I just want to say, I forgive you.
Now get your stuff.
We're going back to London.
Oh!
So, I spoke to the Staff Sergeant
and guess what?
I've got an interview
to be a Community Support Officer.
So what will you be doing?
Dealing with criminals, Louise.
Rapists, murderers,
people who drop Nik-Nak packets.
- That very literally sounds fascinating.
- I know.
- I've just got to pass the interview.
- Good luck with that, you tedious chav.
- What's wrong with you today?
- I'm just a little...
...tired.
Oh, you poor thing.
How is the little one?
Well, he's been quite sad
since the big one died,
but he still plays a lot of golf.
Not Ronnie Corbett.
- Your little one, Louise.
- Oh, she's absolutely great.
Last night, she slept for two whole
minutes. One right after the other.
Corinthian was just the same
when Jonny died.
I couldn't get him to lie down.
Not Jonny, obviously.
He couldn't get enough of lying down,
what with being dead and everything.
Then what happened?
Well, a few months later,
Gaz moved in and everything changed.
It made such a difference, having
someone else to get up in the night.
My mum used to do that for me,
but they've changed her drugs again
and now she's in a stabby phase.
It's hard being a single mum.
Yeah, and plebby.
Oh! I need to get me a baby-daddy!
Wesley, I can't.
I can't leave my mates.
They are not your mates.
Of course they are!
OK, I know Gaz cheated on me.
And Janet stabbed me in the back.
And Louise is a squeaky twat-bag.
They're all I've got.
And besides, anyway, I am off men.
I have drawn my turkey curtains
for the last time.
I wanna be with you, Donna.
I mean, for crying out loud, I came
all the way to Runcorn for you.
I didn't even have time
to get a tetanus shot!
Well, you will
be going home empty-handed.
Because I don't need me no man.
You see, that tends to look
a bit more impressive
when you can actually click your fingers.
Oh, listen. Don't worry about her.
No man has been able to understand her
since Gaz.
Gaz, you say.
Now, to give the place
that little touch of class,
pot pourri.
Which I've learnt is French
for "not crisps".
- Donna, I was just passing.
- Right.
No, I'm not finished yet.
I was just passing wind.
(HE FARTS)
Ah! Anyway,
I've been feeling a bit guilty.
About you ending up back here
all on your own, right.
Oh. How kind!
Cos you're so precious,
you need someone to look after you.
So I'm gonna set
you up with someone.
Aw! And as sweet and as patronising
as that is,
I'm not actually interested in men.
I've already found you someone.
Barry!
Gaz, who's this?
Your new boyfriend, Donna.
Barry the Pisshead.
- Barry the Pisshead, Donna.
- (HE MUMBLES)
Scallops.
Barry the Pisshead?
Ah, it's an affectionate nickname,
isn't it, Barry?
(LAUGHS) Scampi.
My, what a kook. Barry the Pisshead,
could you excuse us for a second?
(MUMBLES) ...Property Ladder.
Gaz, did you find him in the pub?
Of course not!
I found him in the bushes...
outside the pub.
Oh, my God. Is he a tramp?
It's all I could get
at short notice.
I'll take him back to the bushes
and swap him for Creepy Pete.
Gaz, I don't need you to set me up!
I don't want another boyfriend.
I'm not lonely. Anyway, the only man
I'm interested in lives too far away.
Buzz Lightyear?
Yes, Gaz.
Fine, whatever you say.
I'll phone all the men I had set up
for you and say you're not interested.
I'll have a Pringle.
Right, it says I need to explain
my personal policing style.
Am I a good cop or a bad cop?
'Fess up, you naughty little bitch,
or I'll rip your cock off
and ram it down your throat!
- What?
- Does Tim want a little cuddle? He does!
Oh. That feels quite nice.
Shut it!
Or I'll stuff my fist so far up your arse
I'll be picking your teeth for you!
Diana in heaven!
Next, it says I have to be able
to visit people
and break bad news to them.
I can do that.
- Tim.
- Ah, Louise. Long time, no squeak.
The thing is, I'm looking for
a baby-daddy for little Louise
and I was thinking...
Me? Little ole tap-dancing,
shoe-shuffling, huggable,
loveable bar-tending ole me?
- No, you oaf.
- Right.
I want someone a bit older.
Maybe someone good with money,
a nice job in the media.
Someone with a bit of mystery.
OK, Louise.
You've just described the banker
from Deal Or No Deal.
I know. Apparently, he's not up for it.
He's a miserable old bitch!
Though now you mention it,
maybe you wouldn't be so bad.
And everyone knows
gays make the best dads.
What are you talking about?
Who started this rumour?
Do you still want to be
the baby-daddy or not?
Not on your Nelly Furtado!
I just want a man.
Maybe I'll try Gaz.
Fine! And FYI, bitch-tits,
I'm as straight as J-Lo's fringe!
Yeah, I'm sorry for wasting your
time, Creepy Pete.
She's just not interested
in blokes any more.
You're doing it again, aren't you?
Cos I can hear your skin flapping.
All right, fine.
But then we're even, right.
Oh... Oh, you are a big boy.
- You're so big, so...
- (KNOCKING)
I've got to go.
Oh, that Creepy Pete. He is creepy.
You! I thought you'd pissed off
back to where you came from.
I did. I'm back in Runcorn for one thing.
- Donna.
- Oh. You'd better come in.
Look, Gaz,
whatever you might think about me...
Yeah, you're a Southern twat
with a twatty name.
Proceed.
I'm serious about Donna. I mean,
why else would myself and my iPhone
come all the way
to the arsehole of the universe?
Oi! Runcorn
is not the arsehole of the universe.
It's the matted hair around
the arsehole of the universe.
Anyway, I kinda got to thinking,
if anyone knows how to win
Donna's heart, it's you.
Really?
So what do you reckon?
You gonna help me out?
All right, fine. I'll help you.
She likes witty men.
Hence my opening gambit, "Sit on my face
and I'll guess your weight."
- Wow. That really worked?
- Eight stone, three pound.
Blimey.
What if she asks
about your interests?
I like cooking, a bit of running...
Uh-urrr!
She likes men who are into cars
and hardcore pornography.
- Are you absolutely sure about this?
- Who knows more about banging Donna,
- me or you?
- Good point.
What's your attitude
to touching yourself in public?
Er, I don't do it.
Wrong.
Observe.
And to finish...
Drives her absolutely nuts.
- Ah. Hi.
- Donna Wilkinson, nee Henshaw?
Yes.
I'm afraid it's your grandma.
She's, um... she's dead.
What?
She, er...
she got hit by a bakery van.
I wanted to tell you before
you saw it on the local news.
They're going with the headline,
Nan Slam By Man In Flan Van.
- Janet... oh, my God...
- Not really.
Sorry, I'm just practising
for my new job.
God, I'm good at being sensitive!
Wow! God, I love what
you've done with the place.
Oh, nibbles and everything.
Oh, cheers. Do excuse the tramp.
Donna, look. Are you all right,
being back here and everything?
Course I am. What do you mean?
It's just, Gaz has got it into
his head that you're all lonely.
Lonely? That's... (LAUGHS)
I'm not lonely!
So you're not, you know,
moping around like a big,
sad, old, miserable lesbo?
No! As if!
Right. It's just, I feel bad,
you know, that I've got Gaz...
Well, I stole Gaz. And you've got...
well... Barry, the shithead.
Fisherman's Friend!
Could you stay out of this,
please, Barry?
- Thank you.
- (JANET LAUGHS)
What?
It's just,
you're like I was a year ago.
No job, no man, no hope.
It's just funny how things change.
Yeah.
You know what? Wesley was right.
You and Gaz, you're not my friends,
coming around here, patronising me.
Donna, hang on...
You know what? I'm gonna go
and find Wesley right now
and tell him that I'm ready
to go back to London with him.
- Oh, what have I done?
- Yeast infection.
And then, what if Donna asks,
"Do you fancy eating out tonight?"
I go, "Absolutely. I hear
there's a lovely fish restaurant...
"in your knickers."
- And then do what?
- Er, I go like this...
While doing...
While secretly massaging the tip
of my penis through my pocket.
She's gonna love you. Right,
practise on Louise. Now, calm.
Now! Go on.
You've got 206 bones in your body.
Want one more?
I'm welling up over here!
What's going on?
Softy-bollocks just become a man.
Now, go forth and multiply.
Cheers, Gaz. Right,
I'm off to win my beloved's heart!
Gaz... I want you to be
a father figure for little Louise.
You what?
Well, I just want to make
sure she grows up right.
Course she's gonna grow upright.
She's not going to
grow up sideways, is she?
Properly, idiot.
I'm not coping on my own and
you've helped raise Corinthian,
and he seems perfectly...
- (GASPS)
- What?
Oh, my God. He's chewing tobacco!
Tobacco?
Don't be ridiculous, Louise!
It's not tobacco. It's mud.
What about his little tongue?
Louise, Louise, Louise...
It's his milk tongue.
He'll grow another one.
How do I look?
Donna, if I wasn't
a happily married man,
I'd rip your clothes off,
strap something to you
and bend myself
over the pinball machine.
Good enough for me.
Now, go get him, you great big
freaky-haired sex leopard!
- Hi.
- Yes... hello.
I'm Wesley. But you can call me...
anytime. Especially
during the middle of the night
when I will be available for sex with you,
your sister and your mum.
- Right. My mum's dead.
- Yeah, I know.
OK. That's great.
I just wanted to ask,
were your parents retarded,
because you're really special?
Right. You see, the whole
mum being dead thing,
it's still kind of a bit sensitive.
Yeah, sorry. Please continue.
You were right -
what you were saying about
my mates being bastards.
My interests include Transit vans
and hardcore pornography.
Right. And I was thinking that maybe
I should come back to London...
I have a wide range of hobbies,
including masturbation,
mutual masturbation
and masturbation in public.
Wesley, are you massaging the tip
of your penis through your pocket?
Absolutely!
Gaz!
He put you up to this, didn't he?
The patronising, interfering wanker!
And as for you,
I thought you were different.
Donna, I can explain, though...
Yeah? Well, why don't you stick
this in your big stupid iPhone.
I am not coming back to London
with you. Not now, not ever.
Stop putting it in your iPhone!
So? How do I look? No need to answer.
Stop rubbing yourself through your pocket.
Well spotted.
A good officer has the eyes
of a hawk, the ears of a...
hawk and the speed of a...
Why don't they just employ hawks?
Don't worry.
It's a casual little job interview.
You're right. And if all else fails,
I can do this...
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
That's amazing.
All I need to do now is to practise
my conflict resolution.
Gaz Wilkinson, you total shitehouse!
Well, now,
there's a stroke of luck.
Is it about the homeless man
I left in your flat?
I'll get rid of him,
I'll set some traps or something.
No, Gaz, this is about you,
interfering in MY life!
What the hell did you do to Wesley?!
I just gave him a few pointers.
How to turn you on and suchlike.
By suggesting that my
dead mother is retarded
and then masturbating himself
through his clothes?
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
if I may just interject.
And you're even worse!
Don't you know how to control him?
Of course I do.
I masturbate him through his clothes.
Look, as a PCSO I can handle this.
Let's all take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
And now try to visualise your anger
as a big white ball of light.
That's amazing!
Yeah - vanishing
at the first sign of trouble.
Just like the real police!
I don't need you
to interfere with my life,
and I don't need a boyfriend.
It's just I see you sat
in that draughty old flat
like some sad, old lesbian.
Naked...
Then another lesbian turns up.
Asks if she can fix your boiler...
Then the water goes everywhere
and you start playing with each...
I know you're doing this because you care
and you feel guilty about, you know...
Yeah, I do. I hated the way it ended.
So do I! But, you know,
I'm fine on my own!
- So, you're not lonely?
- Course I'm bloody lonely.
But sending over ex-boyfriends
and pissheads... It's condescending.
It means talking down to.
What, like chatting to a toddler?
It very much is.
- So you'll be fine?
- Absolutely.
Come here, then.
Come on.
Shush, shush, shush.
Hepatitis C.
Piers Morgan.
So, Mrs Keogh, tell me why you
think you'd make good PCSO material.
I look good in an Aran sweater.
I love the gays. And I can walk
in time to the music from The Bill.
Right.
Sorry, do you actually have any idea
as to what being a PCSO involves?
Of course I do! We patrol, we give it
the old "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,"
and we beat the crap out of people.
Mrs Keogh, let me level with you.
This role requires someone
with a little more...
- Muscle?
- Sanity.
Oh.
I've messed this up, haven't I?
Nothing wrong with your
observational skills, then.
OK, listen, I got mugged.
I was with my baby and
he took my phone, my wallet...
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Well, the rest of your lot weren't.
I just think if I can stop this
happening,
just by walking
up and down in a silly hat...
I just don't want my baby or
anyone else's baby to grow up in a world
where they have to watch their mum
getting mugged.
I see.
And I don't care what I have to do.
Even if I can't kick,
punch or fire anything...
- Can I kick, punch or fire anything?
- No.
Well, I'll do the job anyway.
Because I want the world
to be a safer place for my family.
Could you explain
this brutality thing?
That's something
I might be interested in pursuing.
Ah. The bitch is back.
Zip it, Claypole,
I'm not in the mood.
Let me guess... Still no
baby-daddy for little Louise?
I interviewed everyone...
even that bloke who hangs around
the bushes buttering his knob.
I interviewed Gaz
and he was too laddy.
I interviewed you and you were just
a big old ball of flaming gayness.
None taken.
I'll never find anyone good enough
for little Louise.
Oh, boo-hoo.
- You'll manage, just get on with it.
- I won't!
I can't get her to sleep,
I can't change nappies,
I'm even rubbish at breastfeeding!
Louise, how can you be
rubbish at breastfeeding?
Because I keep forgetting which
one's skimmed and which one's semi.
Well, hooking up with some random bloke
isn't gonna sort it all out.
I just need help.
No, you don't, you need support.
And do you know what? Here,
right here, you've got something
way more important than a man.
Oh! Gin?
- Friends.
- Oh.
Right. Cheers, Tim.
Don't mention it.
I'm always here. For both of you.
Listen, I need to powder my nose
and I think she needs changing.
Do you mind?
(LAUGHS) You being serious? I've just
manicured. Whoever's next, please?
Oh, my God. I'm all alone.
I'm going to have to be...
self-reliant.
I'm a pleb.
And I just think the time has come
for you to get back
on your own two feet,
clean yourself up,
and most importantly
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FLAT!
- Banjos.
- Yes, exactly.
- Desmond Dekker.
- Good talk, Big Guy.
Oh. You.
- Sorry, you entertaining?
- He's just leaving. Aren't you, Barry?
(HE MUMBLES)
Ah, sod it, suppose I can't
get away with it forever.
You lying little bastard!
Tramps today! They take the piss.
Although I note they do leave
the smell of it behind.
That's me, I've been to Janet's.
Donna, I've come to apologise.
What's Gaz told you this time - bring me
a bottle of Lambrini and Chat magazine?
It's about me moving back to London.
Oh, for God's sake! For the last time,
I'm not coming! Why should I?
Donna, I don't want you
to come and live with me.
- I want to come and live with you.
- What?
You're right. It's time someone
did something special for you.
- So, for you, I'm moving to Runcorn.
- But what about yourjob?
I'll think of something.
My old man's a...
Dustman?
No, market stall holder.
And I've got the gift of the gab.
Get your pears!
That's quite amazing.
I know! I'm gonna get a stall.
And I'm gonna get the Runcorn
website as my iPhone homepage!
Welcome to the matted hair around
the arsehole of the universe!
Thanks, Donna.
But if I move in with you, there's
something I want you to do for me.
Yep, anything.
I want you to divorce Gaz.
OK. Yeah, OK, I will.
Oh! OK, here goes.
Gaz, can I have a word?
Hang on... You're back together!
Ah, Donna, love,
I'm made up for you.
- Gaz, I want a divorce.
- What?
- And I want a quick one.
- Make your mind up!
A quick divorce, Gaz. I don't
want to be Mrs Wilkinson any more.
Fine.
Yeah, that's great! Lovely!
I'd love a divorce.
Oh! Well, thanks, Gaz.
Hey, don't worry.
Gaz, love, you're as white as a sheet.
You look like you've
just seen a ghost.
I feel like I just have.
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Gaz, will you teach me the ways
of this town? I just wanna fit in.
Step, step, shimmy!
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
That is totally lesbian chic.
My divorce papers have come through.
It's really happening, so...
Oh.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪