Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 8, Episode 1 - Candle - full transcript

Since Jonny died...

For God's sake!

He's haunting us!
If you can't let him go, we can't move on.

He's dead!

What did Corinthian want to tell me?

He wants you to apply to the courts
for parental responsibility.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
With bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
Handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please



♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

I'm fit, so shut your face.

Gaz Wilkinson,

you are charged with having
a delicious bottom, how do you plead?

Guilty, obviously.

Then I sentence you to a spanking.

Oi! Get off! Judge Rudy!
I'm trying to look respectable, here.

Are you nervous?

I'm bricking it.

I haven't been in a courtroom
since Keith Chegwin pressed charges.

Well, thankfully no-one's
accusing you of posting turds today.

In a few hours, you'll have
parental responsibility of Corinthian,

and we'll be a proper family.



Why do I have some old man in a wig
to tell me I can look after a baby?

This isn't Labyrinth.

What if the judge doesn't like me?

My prettiness can be
intimidating to other men.

Of course he'll like you.

You're a lovely person,
and a good dad.

And I think I already mentioned
your delicious bottom.

Do you want me to come with you?

No, I'll be fine.

I can do this.
I just need to be the best dad ever.

Why don't you sit down,
take your mind off it?

We could watch a nice film.

No, I'm not watching
Sex And The City again.

If I wanted to watch a drunk 50-year-old
woman cry and talk about her twat,

I'd go round me mum's.

She is so Samantha.

That's a very generous offer, Janet,
but I've just washed me cock.

Why don't you go and see Louise?

Yeah, perhaps I will call her.

I've hardly seen her since
she moved back in with her mum.

I'm in desperate need of some girly fun.

You changed your mind about a threesome?

I just need to spend some time
with my friend, doing girly things.

Louise'll let me exfoliate her.

You have changed your mind
about a threesome!

Save a hole for me, Janet.

Arthur! Be a dear and hold that.

Louise, you've left your baby over there.

She'll be fine,
Arthur's looking after her.

You can't just leave
your baby with an old man.

He'll need his nappy changing
before she will.

You can't leave your baby with an old man,
you can't leave your baby on a bus.

Where exactly CAN I leave her?

You're her mother, Louise,
you're supposed to look after her.

I'm a single parent, Timothy.

I do deserve a break, you know?

And that baby is completely fatuous.
All she ever does is cry.

I've never known such an attention seeker.

The poor child probably feels neglected.

At the moment
little Louise thinks her mother

is an 83-year-old man
with an incontinence problem.

She'll be scarred for life
if she needs breastfeeding.

I can't be expected to carry her around
all the time, my arms ache.

Plus, she doesn't match my outfit.

Louise, my darling.

My little babbling Brooks.

This is really hard for me to say,
but you are a terrible mother.

Oh!

Actually, that was quite easy.
I feel like Jeremy Kyle.

How dare you?!

I'm a wonderful mater, and I'll prove it.

Ma Walton, she is not.

Gaz! You look like a toby jug.

A pint of bitter in there, Sonny Jim.

Hey, haven't you grown?

I'm a little bloated this morning from
my Shreddies, no need to get personal.

Come on, come and sit on my lap,
tell me all about it.

I don't know who keeps
spreading these vicious rumours,

but I am a happily married man,
thank you very much.

Well, maybe just for a minute.

That's better, innit, eh?

A little cuddle wi' your daddy.

Would you like a Werther's Original?

Yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!

Now, suck, don't chew.

I know. Thanks, Gaz.

You know, a man could get used to this.

Well, don't get too settled.

I want you to come round the back
and play with me balls.

What would you like to play?
Footy, or catch?

What?

I thought...

Oh! Oh...

What exactly is going on here?
I am very confused,

not to mention a little disappointed.

I've got to go to court this afternoon,

so the judge can see
I'm fit to be Corinthian's dad.

I'm trying to be the best dad ever.

By asking men to sit on your lap
and play with your balls?

Very modern(!)

If it's advice on parenting you needed,
you should have come to me.

I'm a father of three myself, remember?

Yeah, I forget you've got kids.

You just seem so...

- Young?
- Gay.

I'm just in touch with my sensitive side,
Gaz. Perhaps you should try it.

Well, you'll have to teach me.

The only sensitive thing about me
is the tip of me cock.

(LAUGHS) I'm so Carrie.

I'm glad you came round, Louise,
I've been craving a bit of female company.

I'm not here to fuel
your lesbian tendencies, Janet.

I need to borrow some nail varnish.

Great idea! We can paint each other's
nails, and have a lovely girly time!

It's not for me,
it's for Louise Louise Brooks.

She doesn't need make-up, Louise.
She needs her nappy changing.

I can't!

I'm not good at that sort of thing.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Arghhh!
- Arghhh!

- Arghhh!
- Arghhh!

You ARE pleased to see me, aren't you?

Let me in before
the neighbours call the police.

Excuse me...
Arghhhh!

Sorry, I was feeling left out.

Donna! What are you doing here?

Well, I had the day off
so I thought I'd touch base.

So, how's life in the big smoke, Donna?

Oh, you would love London, Louise.

Wesley knows all the coolest bars
and clubs. I've even seen Dane Bowers.

Aw, never mind.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, girls,
but little Louise needs a makeover.

Donna, I can't believe you're home.
I've missed you so much.

Why didn't you phone me?!

Sorry.

I meant to call,
it's just I've been so busy.

It's all go, go, go in that London.

How are things going with Wesley?

Oh, he is amazing, Janet.

He's funny and considerate.

And he's got an iPhone.

And London is brilliant.

Moving there
was the best decision I've ever made.

It certainly looks exciting on EastEnders.

Lots of fires, and adultery,
and angry women with huge earrings.

(COCKNEY) No, Roy, you ain't coming round
here treatin' me like that, we're family.

They have clubs that stay open
past two o'clock in the morning.

And they have hundreds of trains
that run underneath the ground.

And two days ago,
I saw Judy Finnigan in Clinton Cards!

They've got a Clinton Cards?

Oh, I am so lucky.

I've got a great job, a studio apartment
in London's trendy Peckham...

...and a wonderful boyfriend.

I'm really proud of you, Donna.
You seem really happy.

I am, yeah. Really, really happy.

I feel so sorry for you though,
being stuck here in boring old Runcorn.

Runcorn's not so bad.

We're getting a Lidl.

We've got three supermarkets
on my street in that London.

Well, two, since someone
petrol-bombed the Spar.

Everything about that London is better.

Even the tramps are better.

They drink boxes of wine,
instead of bottles.

Listen, Donna,
I'm really pleased you've moved on,

but there's no need to come back here
and insult my home.

Runcorn's a shithole, Janet.
Even YOU can see that.

Even? What are you doing
back here then, if it's so bad?

Er, anyway I'd best be going,
it's quite a commute.

You just got here!

Yeah, but I left some hummus out
back at my flat.

So I have to get back to that London,
before it goes off.

All right, then.

Goodbye, Janet.

Bye, Donna.

Hummus?

Ooh, she's changed.

So Gaz, it's important to be
in touch with your sensitive side

to support your children,
without being too pushy.

What do you mean?

For instance,
nothing would make me prouder

than to see my son represent his country.

But if he doesn't develop a natural flair

for figure skating,
then I'm not gonna force him.

All right, fine. What else?

It's important that you express yourself.

I often write little poems for my children
and leave them lying around the house.

A poem! I could do that.

Yes.

This'll show the judge how sensitive I am.

What have you got so far?

Oh, Corinthian, you are now my son,
Although Jonny was Daddy Number One,

I'll love you a heap, if you go to sleep,
while I have sex with your mum.

It's a bit creepy that, isn't it?

Oh, forget it! I'm too rugged to be
in touch with my sensitive side.

Perhaps it's not such a bad thing.

Look at Fathers 4 Justice.

You don't get more rugged than wearing
a cape and tying yourself to a crane.

Are you talking about the ones on the news
that dress as superheroes?

Yeah. I did that once.

Helena didn't approve
of my Wonder Woman hot pants.

I overspilled.

Louise.

Oh, blah.

See, I told you I was a brilliant mother,
Timothy Claypole.

Check it out...

LL Cool B!

You're meant to pimp Ford Cortinas,
Louise, not your children.

Buying your baby a mobile phone
does not make you a good mother.

Of course it does, I've spent a fortune.

And next time I leave her in a shop,

she can text me instead of the police
having to get involved.

(BABY CRIES)

Naughty baby!

Please stop crying.

Oh, suit yourself.

Louise, stop behaving
like you're in a ChildLine advert

and pick your daughter up.
She needs a cuddle.

(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY)

I just can't, all right?

Holy hot pants, Gaz!

All right, Donna?!
What are you doing here?

Well, I had the day off, so I thought
I'd nip back to sunny Runcorn.

Yeah, I'm just trying something.

Well, it's a look.

So, how's it going "darn sarf"?!

London is amazing, Gaz.

Moving there was the best decision
I have ever made.

And I am so happy with Wesley.

(SNIGGERS) Wesley!

Will you grow up, Gaz?
Wesley is a nice name.

Yeah, for a cartoon squirrel.

It's a family name.

All the men in his family
are called Wesley

and all the women are called Lesley.
It's a tradition.

What's his surname?

Presley.

Wesley Presley?

Where does he live, Heartbreak Hotel?

Wesley is kind and sophisticated

and he has an iPhone.

Yeah, well he sounds like a bell-end.

No, Gaz, YOU sound like a bell-end.

You know what?
I don't need to sit here and be insulted.

I have a wonderful life in that London
to be getting back to.

- Bye, then.
- Yep. London Town, here I come.

- See ya.
- Yep.

Can't wait to get back to that London.
Don't try and stop me.

OK.

Well, I suppose another ten minutes
wouldn't hurt! I'll put the kettle on.

Poor old Wesley! You've been back
in Runcorn for five minutes,

and you've already forgotten about him.

Shut up, Gaz, that is not true. In fact,

I will tell him to come here.

Then you can see for yourself
how wonderful he is.

I can't wait(!)

That is if you're not busy cleaning up
the streets of Gotham City.

Why are you dressed like that?
Is it laundry day?

No. I've gotta go to court
and I'm trying to look responsible,

and who's more responsible than Gazman?

Court?

I've applied for
parental responsibility of Corinthian.

Oh.

Right. Well, I'm really pleased for you.

For both of you.
You and Janet must be very happy.

Yeah, well, we won't be
when the judge turns me down.

He's bound to think I'm a crap dad.
It's in the genes.

The only thing my dad
ever brought up was phlegm.

Don't be silly, Gaz, you're a great dad.

No, I'm not.

I'm not creative or sensitive...

At least I look good in tights.

You don't need to dress up.
You're a wonderful father, Gaz.

I should know, it's the reason I left...

What?

When I saw you and Corinthian and Janet,

I knew that you finally had what you'd
always deserved. A proper family.

I couldn't stand in the way of that.
I had to leave.

Oh, Donna...

Just be yourself,
and the judge will see what I see.

Thanks, Donna.

And for God's sake, take off those tights,
I can see your brain.

(BABY CRIES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Louise! What are you doing?!

I could hear little Louise
crying from outside!

Janet, you shouldn't
wave your arms about like that

unless you've shaved your armpits.

You look like you've got
Bob Marley in a headlock.

What are you doing listening to music
while your poor baby's screaming?

It's the only way it'll drown it out.

Thank God for Slipknot.

You can't ignore her, Louise.
She needs you.

I can't, it's too hard.

She won't stop crying.

She's so small and squeaky.

You have no idea
how annoying that can get.

Look, just hold her. She needs comforting.

I'm scared.
What if I squash her tiny head?

Oh, Louise.

All new mums are scared at first, but
you won't hurt her with a little cuddle.

How can you be sure?

I'm always breaking things.

My mother's ornaments,
crockery, the homeless.

You just need to practise.
You can't go wrong with a good cuddle.

(LOUISE GASPS)

I can't believe you're coming on
to me at a time like this!

I know I'm attractive, Janet,
but for God's sake, give it up.

Here... practise on this.

OK... I suppose I could try.

That's it,
put your arms around it gently...

Perhaps a bit more practice.

Right. I believe we are here
to determine whether or not

you should be granted
parental responsibility of one...

er... Corinthian McVitie Keogh.

That is correct, Your Honour.

Thanks for seeing me today.

I'm really excited about being
a proper dad to little Corinthian.

That's good to hear, Mr Wilkinson.

Now...

I promise to be
the best dad ever, or try to...

I can't wait to teach him to read,
and take him to the football.

I've been playing with my balls
all morning just thinking about it.

Er... do I look OK?

I was gonna wear something else,
but I laddered my tights.

I'm sorry, I'm just a bit nervous.

I just really want to be his dad,
you know?

Just try and relax, Mr Wilkinson.

You're not on trial.

Not this time.

I was just having a bad day.
We've all been there.

You must know what it's like...

with the blob.

Sor... Are you too old for that now?

Do you know what,
I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go!

I knew I'd mess it up.

I just wanna make
a really, really good impression.

And you know, I love Corinthian,
and if you can't see that, that's fine.

This would never happen to Banana Man.

Come on, Corinthian!

Mummy doesn't need her friends
to have fun, she's got you!

Corinthian? Oh...

God, I'm bored.

I miss Donna.

Do you miss her so much,

that you won't shout at her
for eating all your Wagon Wheels?

Donna! I'd thought
you'd gone back to that London.

Oh, I was going to, yeah,
but I got lost.

But I spoke to Wesley
and he's going to meet us here,

and I can't wait
to introduce him to all my friends.

Wouldn't you rather be with
all your new, exciting London friends?

Bet you've got loads.

Oh, a few. Yeah.

None of them can lick
their own nipples though.

Look, I'm really sorry
I was a cow earlier, Janet.

It's just really weird being back.

That's OK.

You know I love you.

I've told Wesley all about you.

Have you?

Yeah, I'm sure he'll learn to like you,
once he meets you.

Oh.

Everything's happened so fast.

I thought you loved it in that London?

So did I.

It's just being back here...
I've realised that I really miss it.

Runcorn might be a shithole,

but it's MY shithole.

I miss my friends. Even Louise.

Christ, you must be lonely.

Why don't you move back here, then?
I want my best friend back.

It's just everybody's moved on.

You and Gaz have got your little family.

I've got Wesley.
I couldn't just leave him.

Why don't you ask him to move with you?
You said he'd do anything for you.

He'll think I'm mental. We've only
been together a couple of months.

I've tried so hard
to make him think I'm normal.

If you're not 100%/ happy
in that London, talk to him.

OK, I will.

When Wesley gets here, I'm gonna show him
all that Runcorn has to offer.

The full sensory experience.

The leafy trees, the fumes
from the chemical waste ground.

That footless tramp that hangs around
outside Morrisons.

God, I love Runcorn.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Louise, what are you doing now?

Janet said I have to cuddle
Louise Louise Brooks. Ahh!

So why are you hugging Arthur?

She's so precious. I need to practise
on less valuable people first.

Although I wish I hadn't hugged that man
with no feet outside Morrisons.

I got poverty on my shoulder.

Oh, Louise.
Don't be afraid to hold your baby.

A cuddle won't hurt her.

Babies are very resilient.

Every child gets the odd bump or bruise.

I was dropped once or twice as a child,
it never did me any harm.

You can't wrap
your child up in cotton wool.

Or Polyester, it's tacky.

(BABY CRIES)

Go on, just pick her up.

She won't bite.

I'm doing it!

I'm holding the baby all by myself.

Well done, Louise.
And she's stopped crying.

She obviously likes you.

The poor, deluded little mite.

She smells amazing!

Even better than marker pens!

She does like me, doesn't she?

Aw! I can't believe I was so scared.

I'm never gonna put her down again!
Never! Ever!

What's the matter?

It was a disaster.

I was so nervous I couldn't stop talking
or farting.

What's happened?

I could tell the judge
thought I was a waste of space.

There was no point. But I tried.
They were never gonna take me seriously.

I wasn't even dressed
as a fictional superhero.

I don't understand.
It was only supposed to be a formality.

I know, I'm sorry, I knew I'd cock it up.

I was just trying to be myself.
In hindsight, that was a mistake.

I can't believe this.

I was really looking forward
to being a proper family.

I know, but do you know, it's just
a bit of paper. It makes no difference.

No. No, of course it doesn't.

No difference at all. Until I die!

You'll have no legal rights over
Corinthian. He could end up in care.

Or worse, with Jonny's mum.

We don't have to worry about that.
Nothing's going to happen to you.

You can't know that, Gaz.
So much has happened in this last year,

who knows what's round the corner?

Well, it'd be a massive coincidence
if it were a shark.

I'm sorry, Janet, but there's nothing
we can do about it now.

(COCKNEY) We're family, it's out of order.

I'd just feel a whole lot happier knowing
you had some real rights to Corinthian.

That you'll always be in his life.

Yes, well, I'm not sure
that's such a good idea.

The judge didn't seem to think so.

Yeah... Well, she hasn't seen you getting
up in the night when he's crying.

Or singing to him when he can't sleep.

He does like Metallica.

I just want to be a brilliant dad.

There's no such thing as a brilliant dad.

All parents are a bit rubbish.

Everyone makes mistakes.

But as long as you love Corinthian
and he loves you, nothing else matters.

Do you know what?
You're right. You're right.

I'm gonna go back to that courtroom,

and I'm not gonna leave until
Arsehole of the Bailey listens to me.

Well, I'm coming with you this time.

Perhaps the judge
just needs a little bit of reassurance.

Either that or a slap.

Listen up, Judge Moody!

I know Gaz
might seem like a bit of a dick,

but he is
the sweetest, kindest person I know,

and he's been
an amazing daddy to Corinthian.

All we want is to be a proper family.

My baby has already lost one parent,
and I will not let him lose another one.

If anything happens to me,

Gaz is the first person
I'd want to care for Corinthian.

We're lucky to have him,

and if you don't see that, well,
you must have shite in your eyes.

I demand that you give Gaz parental
responsibility of my child this instant!

OK.

Really?

I can be Corinthian's dad?

Sure. All I need is a signature
and your National Insurance number.

Is that it?

I tried to tell you that earlier,

but you were too busy
crying about ripping your tights.

Thank you!
Thank you so much, Your Honour.

No biggy.

Woo-hoo! We did it!

- (SHE SHRIEKS)
- Woo-hoo!

I spoke to Wesley,
he said he's gonna meet us all at the pub.

Is he excited about coming to Runcorn?

I think so. I know he'll like it
once he gets here.

What's there not to like?

I bet London hasn't got
an animal rendering plant.

I can't wait for you to meet Wesley.
I know you're going to love him.

Well, if you love him, he must be great.
I'm really looking forward to meeting him.

Just try not to shag this one, Janet.

Yeah!

I can't believe I've got
all my girls back together. I am so happy.

Me too. Let's go and get wankered
on Cheeky Vimtos, eat a kebab

and then vomit in each others' handbags!

We are so Sex And The City!

Well, if it isn't Runcorn's answer
to the Sugababes.

Good to see you, shit-tits.

So, what are you doing back here?

I thought I would pop back.
I've missed my mates.

And we've missed you. It's not been
the same round here without you.

No, I've had to get used
to shagging one bird again.

Oi! Donna! Donna!

Oh! Wesley!

- I'm so pleased you're here.
- Yeah, didn't think I was gonna make it.

Some old geezer with no feet was trying
to cuddle me outside Morrisons.

That's Runcorn for you!
The people are so friendly.

Come and meet everyone.
Everyone, this is Wesley.

He's my boyfriend. He's from London.

And I've got an iPhone.

You just sit here with everyone,
I'm going to go and get us a drink.

- Sweet. I'll have a bottle of lager.
- OK.

Huh!

It don't come in bottles, bell-end.

You must be the ex-husband.

I imagined you'd be taller.

You must be Wesley Presley.
I imagined you to be a twat. One-nil.

So, what do you think of Runcorn so far,
Wesley?

It's rank. I can see why
you moved to the big smoke, Donna.

So you couldn't see yourself
living here then?

(LAUGHS) Christ, no! It's a shithole.

You haven't even got a Nando's.

I mean, hello?

Er, hello?

You must be Janet.
Very pleased to meet you, treacle.

Nice to meet you too...

golden syrup.

Northern birds. You always smell of gravy.

I ran out of bath bombs,
so I had to improvise with an Oxo cube.

I had t' bath with t' Oxo cube.

Priceless!

And you must be Louise.

That's right.
I would shake your hand, but...

I don't want to.

This place is a dump.
Let's go somewhere else.

I've just got you a pickled egg. And there
isn't anywhere else. This is Runcorn.

Well, perhaps we should go back to London.

I think I've seen enough
talentless inbreds for one day.

And who are you calling talentless,
you Southern fairy?

Step, step, shimmy.

Now I'm being abused
by Christopher Biggins.

Come on, you should never
have come back up here.

Listen, Dickhead Van Dyke.

Donna likes it here.

We're her mates,
and if she wants to stay, she can.

(COCKNEY) Yeah! Leave it out, you sla-ag.

You can't seriously want to hang around
with this bunch of gravy-stinking chavs?

Who you calling a chav?

She's wearing a tracksuit,
she's not even in a gym.

Come on. You've got a new life
in London now.

I know, I know. But I miss Runcorn.

And Runcorn misses you.

I'm really sorry, Wesley,
but I've been thinking.

I'm lonely in that London. I miss it here.

What are you saying, Donna?

Look, I care about you Wesley,
I really do. But I've made up my mind...

I'm moving back to Runcorn.

(ALL GASP)

I've got an interview to be
a community support officer.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

Get your stuff,
we're going back to London.

Observe.

I'm looking for a baby daddy
for little Louise.

And to finish...

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
With bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
Handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪