Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 8, Episode 7 - You Decide - full transcript

Heed my warning, Donna -
it's time to let go!

Can't!

I've not seen you this angry since
you dipped your cock in VapoRub.

You know as well as I do
what she's doing! Don't be stupid.

- Where's Gaz?
- Want me to phone him?

That might be nice,
you big Cockney twat!

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please



♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪

(GROANS)

(PHHRRRT!)

I was under the covers.
It went in my mouth.

Donna?

That's right.

- We're naked.
- I know.

- We had sex!
- I know.

- You let me do you up the shi...
- All right, Gaz, I know!

I don't know what I was thinking.

You were thinking, "I want you up me,
like a rat up a drainpipe!"

(GAZ CHUCKLES SMUGLY)

So.

Here we are again, eh, Donna?



Me and you - bumping uglies.

You're a pig!

Aye, and you want my sausage.

This was a mistake.

A hot, sweaty, passionate mistake.

It was nothing.
It was just an accidental shag.

Four accidental shags, actually.

But this wasn't supposed to happen.
I am too good for you.

Besides, you've got Janet and Corinthian
now. We've all moved on.

Shit, Janet! I've got to get home.

I don't wanna repeat this any time soon.
Oh, no.

It was just one last bonk. Doesn't mean
we still have feelings for each other.

- We don't need to let it happen again.
- Exactly.

Little hand job for the road?

- Yeah.
- OK.

Well, I must say I enjoyed that.

I go in with simple stomach pains
and wake up missing an organ.

It's just your appendix, Janet.

Better out than in.

Funny, that's what the doctor
said to me about the Hoover.

Don't worry about your appendix.

The nurse put it in a little jar
for you to take home.

Gaz! Corinthian! I'm home!

Ow, shit.

I don't think anyone's here.

What? Where's Gaz? You said he was
at home with Corinthian.

Well, I didn't want to worry you.

Corinthian's still at your Mum's.
We couldn't find Gaz.

Oh, my God! What if he's hurt? He
could be lying dead in a ditch somewhere!

Don't be silly, Janet. Gaz isn't dead!

Course not!
At worst he's unconscious...

or trapped somewhere.

OW!

- Was it your appendix again?
- Yes.

Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend,
Timothy?

Why?

Perhaps it's your whiny voice.

Or your insane temper tantrums.

Or the huge hair. Weave it alone,
girlfriend. That's all I'm saying.

It was a rhetorical question,
you prissy twat.

I'm sick of playing the raspberry.

I don't want to be on my own
any more.

I just want someone to love me,
cherish me, and pay for my drinks.

I'm welling up.

And it's been so long since
I've had a good banging,

I think
my mimsy may have scabbed over.

But I might as well give up all hope.

I'll never find my prince
in shitty old Runcorn.

You know what they say, Louise?

The minute you stop looking for love,

Mr Right will walk
straight into your life.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Gaz!

Frigging hell!

Where the hell have you been?

What? I just nipped out...

for a... shit.

Why didn't you answer your phone?

Wesley's been trying to call to tell you
I was in hospital having an operation.

What? You finally had that
hairy thing cut off your arse?

I had my appendix out.

I discharged myself so I could come
home to see my family,

only to find there was no-one here.

You've been in hospital all night
and you didn't think to tell me?

I was unconscious!
That's why Wesley was calling you.

Didn't you notice I wasn't here?

Well, I, er...

Hang on a minute. What the hell
was Wesley doing with you?

He stayed with me at the hospital.

Oh, really?

Yes. If it wasn't for him,
I'd have been on my own.

Well, apart from Tim, but he was
too busy quizzing the nurses

on where he could find one of those
lovely upside-down watches they wear.

Oh. Well, thank God
for Wesley Presley(!)

Yes. At least he was there for me.

I've had an operation
and you haven't even asked me how I am!

I can't believe I'm the last to know,
Janet! Bloody charming, that is.

Look, I don't want to argue.
I feel awful.

And so you should, Janet.

So you should.

Hang on a minute.

You're telling me the whole time
I was round the flat banging Donna,

you... YOU were lying
in a hospital bed,

holding hands with Wesley Presley,
like some big slag?!

How do you think
that makes me feel, Janet? Eh?

What did you just say?

How do you think
that makes me feel?

Before that?

You're a big slag?

You've been with Donna?

Don't try and turn this around
on me, Janet.

You've been shagging Donna,
while I lay in an operating theatre,

and you were seriously going
to sit there and have a go at me?

I was going to, yes.

How could you do this to me?

Look, Janet, it was an accident.

No, Gaz. Mistaking the Deep Heat
for the FemFresh is an accident.

You shagging Donna behind my back
is just horrible.

It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.

You cheeky bastard. Get out!

Ow!

Listen... I'm hungry,
can I have some toast first?

- Piss off, Gaz!
- I'll go. I'll go.

Fine!

You let me know
when you're ready to apologise.

Tim, I've done something terrible.

Aw, Don-dons. What could you
possibly have done that's that bad?

I've shagged Gaz.

Oh, Donna, you whore!

I know, I know! I'm a stupid, slutty
beast. I don't know how it happened.

I do. You two have been spending
far too much time together.

I warned you this would happen,
Donna Henshaw.

But did you listen to Uncle Tim?

Did you bollocks.

- I've got to find Janet.
- Not right now you don't. Oi!

Can you have a word
with your fella,

who sat by Janet's hospital bed,

holding her hand, all night long
apparently. The bastard!

What? Janet's in hospital?

Not any more.
She's at home, kicking off.

She got all moody when I told her
I'd been shagging you.

You told... You told Janet? You dick!

Why did you tell her?
Wesley's going to hate me.

Who cares about Wesley?

I do. I'm not going to let one night
ruin everything.

Last night was a terrible mistake.
I have moved on.

Hello, my little Northern omelette.
How's the invalid?

Not very good, actually.

This might cheer you up.
I have fashioned a rudimentary necklace.

Aw!

Out of your appendix.

Ewww!

Why the tearful tears?

Your bloody girlfriend shagged Gaz.
That's why!

Er... yeah. Then you shagged him,
Jonny died.

Donna moved to London, met me...

I had no idea that memory was stored
in the appendix.

Last night.
While I lay dying, Wesley Presley.

While you were dressed as
Kelly Osbourne and fingering yourself.

Never happened.

God, those drugs were good.

But Gaz and Donna - that happened.

If you don't believe me,
go and smell his fingers.

Eugh!

Oh...

I hope you don't mind,

but I just want to compliment you
on your beautiful eyes. I'm Scott.

Oh, I'm blushing...

...but thanks for noticing, Scott.

I was actually talking
to the lovely lady.

I'm sorry, have we met before?
I feel like I recognise you.

I don't think so.

I must be getting confused,
cos I used to be in a famous boy band.

Probably getting you mixed up
with Sinitta.

Cos I met her... twice.

Shut up! You were in a boy band?!

For my sins. I don't like
to talk about it much, though.

What were you called?

We were a Runcorn-based R&B group,
called R-Soul.

I was the rapper.

I don't believe it! I went to
one of your gigs in the Arndale!

I got escorted out by security

for pinging my thong off a balcony
and blinding a pensioner.

Crazy days!

Crazy!

- You were a famous pop star?
- Yeah. But I don't like to talk about it.

Excuse me, need a slash.

I can't believe I'm talking
to the R-Soul rapper!

I've talked to an R-Soul Ripper
online but he was clearly disturbed.

He's too good to be true, Tim. There
has to be something wrong with him.

Every boyfriend I've ever had has
turned out to be weird in some way.

- Cross-dresser, alcoholic, Australian.
- Oh!

I need to find out what's wrong with him

before I could possibly
think about fancying him.

Tim, follow him to the toilet
and check he hasn't got a gun.

Oh, if you insist.

Better safe than sorry!

Oh, God. This is terrible.

I know.

You three are like bloody animals,
constantly rutting each other.

It's disgusting! Gaz is with Donna
one week, you next. You're a cult!

I am not! Gaz is for cheating.

I said "cult", Janet.

It's immoral.

All right, Louise.
I never meant for this to happen.

We're adults now, Janet. It's time
to grow up and behave with dignity.

And what's stuck up your arse today?

I'm desperate for a man.

I think I may have found one,
but he's possibly a psychopath

masquerading as an ex-member
of a Runcorn-based boy band.

What?

I need to check out his alibi,

then I can save myself
any future heartache.

Haven't you thought about perhaps
just giving him a chance?

Maybe...
but first I'll steal his wallet

and track down his medical records.

(PHONE BEEPS)

It's Donna. She's on her way round.
Sorry, Louise, I haven't time for this.

Like you said, we're adults. I need
to talk to Donna, woman to woman.

And punch her in the tits.

Gaz shagged Donna!

Oh, my God, that's awful!
I cannot believe I'm hearing this.

I, for one, am truly shocked,
not to mention a little surprised.

Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna
were finished.

So did I.

I ought to kick your arse!

Go on, then.

Perhaps in a bit.

What are you gonna do, Gaz?

Donna's with Wesley and you
and Janet have a child together.

I know, but I'm confused.

They're obviously both
completely in love with me.

Perhaps they could share me.

What?

You know, have me half the week
each and toss for Sundays?

Or we could all live together,
like one of them Moomin families.

But I don't know who I love more.
I mean, Donna was my wife.

We've got a history. She gives
a superb blow job. Eh, Wesley?

And then...
Janet's the mother of my child.

The woman I longed to be with.

She's not opposed to slipping
a finger up my arse now and then.

You've got responsibilities now.

That little lad's already lost
one daddy.

God, you're right.

I can't leave Corinthian.

Janet, I had no idea you were ill...

You curly-haired slut-bag!

And while I lay in a hospital bed,

close to death, too, indeed.
For shame!

I thought you just had your appendix
taken out.

Ow! For shame!

I am so sorry, Janet.

You have ruined everything, Donna!

How could you do this to me?
After everything I've been through.

Everything YOU'VE been through?

He was my husband first. That didn't
stop YOU jumping into bed with him,

like some chawy slag, did it?

OW!

Are you all right?
Oh, God, Janet, I am SO sorry.

I honestly never meant
for this to happen.

Like you said, I don't suppose I really
have the right to have a go at you.

I did exactly the same thing while
you two were still married. For shame.

He's an idiot, Janet.
A big, muscly idiot.

And WE are too good for him.
I've lived in that London.

Yeah. You're right. His exquisite buttocks
do not make up for the fact

that he's both a cad
and a scoundrel.

Exactly.

We are best friends. No man should
come between us. We deserve better.

You're right. Girl Power and that.

So neither of us will go near Gaz.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Louise!
Scott's been teaching me some moves.

I can't believe I'm body-popping
with a bona fide celebrity.

I'll have a drink, when you've
finished humping his leg.

I'll get that for you.

No, it's all right. I don't want you
slipping anything into it

and trying to lure me back
to your sex cave.

Wow, you're so pretty when you're
accusing people of sex crimes.

I'm gonna nip out and make a call.

Louise! You can't be so rude to him.

He was nominated for
a Smash Hits Award.

Get a grip, Claypole!
There's something not right about him.

You watch the door
while I go through his bag.

I can't see a wallet...

or a birth certificate.

Ooh, an address book!

And some photos.

Oh, my God!

Pictures of babies. Looks like he's
running some sort of illegal child ring.

He's only been speaking to me

so he can snatch little Louise
and sell her to Madonna.

- Are you looking for something?
- I, er... saw a rat.

- It ran into your bag...
- OK.

But then I found these.

Would you like to explain yourself?

Yeah. That's Nathaniel and Rose -
a couple of African orphans I sponsor.

I was out building schools in Rwanda.

You're like a sexy Oxfam advert.

Hey, I'm just a normal guy...

who happens to be a single,
wealthy, ex-boy-band member.

If you're such a talented,
caring, sensitive man,

why don't you have a girlfriend?

I did have Gemma,
but we split a couple of months ago.

Why?

I'd rather not go into it.

Oh, well, that's your prerogative
and I would never pry.

- Would that be Gemma with a G?
- Yeah.

You all right?

You doing the washing?
I've got some skiddy pants...

It's not laundry, Gaz.
I'm packing your stuff.

Where am I going?

I don't care,
but you're not staying here.

I thought you loved me -
you've just made a fool of me.

I want to talk to you.
I want to apologise.

Sowwy!

Why, Gaz?
Why did you sleep with Donna?

She... She forced me.

Gaz! Don't you dare blame
all this on Donna.

You're the one I'm in
a relationship with!

But perhaps this is what I deserve.

I betrayed Donna
and now you've betrayed me.

Exactly - you started it!

- We were supposed to be a family.
- We are!

Can't we just forget about it?

I'll go and wash my cock.
It'll be like it never happened.

No. We can't.

But we have to work things out.

For Corinthian. I love him.

What about me?

Gaz?!

Sorry, what did you say?

Just take your stuff and go.

I don't want to, Janet.

I love you.

Really? You mean it?

Yeah. I don't want to lose you
or Corinthian. I love you.

Come on!

Now, those pants either need
washing or burning, so come on.

Well, that was a complete waste of time.

They split up because he wanted
to concentrate on charity work.

He didn't twat her or anything.

I don't trust him.

Don't you think this is getting
a bit Fatal Attraction, Louise?

Why don't you just ask Scott about
his past?

Because he'll lie, Tim.

- Hi, Louise.
- Donna!

I'm surprised you dare show
your face around here

after what you've done. It's disgusting!

I know, I know,
but it was one night of lust.

Gaz Wilkinson means nothing to me.

I will not be letting my hole
rule my head any longer.

I'm glad to hear it.

It's important to regain
some integrity when it comes to men.

I've just posed as a gynaecologist

to interrogate the ex-girlfriend
of a potential new love interest.

What? How can you dupe
a fellow sister like that?

We're supposed to stick together,

not lie to win the affections
of some man!

Did the suffragette movement
teach you nothing?

(PHONE BEEPS)

It's Gaz. Ha!

The cheeky bastard expects me
to meet him at the flat.

Got to go!

Oh, Wesley. Hi.

I know you slept with Gaz.

Oh, right...

Oh, God, I'm a horrible person.

No, you're not.

You're just a little bit of a knob,

but I still like you.

I bought you a pork pie.

I don't like pork pies.

Yeah, you do.
You love 'em. You always have.

I used to, but I've decided
not to like them any more.

They're not good for me.

One won't hurt.

Yes, it will. I have to get pork pies
out of my mind.

They are too thick... and common...

and the insides are always full
of white gunk.

I'm totally over pork pies.
I've moved on!

You said you missed pork pies
when you were in London.

I did. But now I'm back and
I've realised that it'll never work.

There's too many feelings involved.

Someone's gonna get hurt
and I don't want it to be me again!

All right.
God, it's only a pork pie!

Are you still in love with Gaz?

Of course I'm not.
It was one night of madness.

I don't know what came over me.

- That would be me.
- Get out, Gaz!

Fine. I'll go back to the pub.

Fine! If you're going to refuse to leave,
I suppose I'll speak to you.

Wesley, you'd better go.

We need to talk, Donna, without
this Northern monkey getting in the way.

Who are you calling a monkey?

You have been known to throw your own
faeces at passing school children.

You're with Janet.
I'm with Donna now.

So you can just back off.
I'm going nowhere.

Actually, Wesley, me and Gaz
need to talk. So I'll call you later.

OK. Um... I'm going to the pub then.

But when I get there,
I'm going nowhere!

What do you want?

- I need to talk to you.
- Look, Gaz...

No, listen. We can't
do this any more. It's not right.

I can't keep hurting Janet...
or Corinthian.

I'm his dad, I can't just leave him.

Of course not. I don't want you to.
I can't keep hurting people.

When I found out about you and Janet,

I thought I was going to die
from the pain, it hurt so much.

All right, drama queen!

We split up and I moved away.

Why did you come back?

You know why. I missed Runcorn.

Runcorn's a shit hole.

I missed my friends.

Your friends are all bastards.

All right. I missed you, all right?

You weren't just my husband, Gaz.
You were my best friend...

and I hated not seeing you every day.

Really?

But you're right, you know.
It's over.

We have to stay away
from each other from now on.

That's the trouble.
I don't know if I can.

Don't, Gaz! You just said
you couldn't leave Janet.

It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop
loving you.

You know we belong together.

You and I, forever and ever.

No matter where you are...

you're my guiding star.

Seriously?

From the very first moment
I saw you...

I never felt such emotion.

That's the Home And Away
theme tune.

It's our song.

- I miss you, Donna.
- This is crazy.

Are you saying you want to forget
the last few months ever happened?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

Hiya, Wesley.

Hiya, Janet.

Aw, Wesley.

- Sorry you got mixed up in all this.
- It's not your fault.

I still can't believe they slept
together, after all this time.

I know. It's pretty shitty.

But don't worry,
you and Donna will be all right.

I'm not so sure.
There's still something between 'em.

Trust me, nothing's going to happen.

It was a one-off.
Me and Gaz are a family now.

Yeah. That's probably what
he's telling her at the flat.

- Gaz and Donna are at the flat?
- Yeah. It was really tense.

Like Angie and Den -
Christmas Day '86.

It's fine. They both totally
regret it. It was a mistake.

Yeah, you're right.

Just because they've got this raw,
passionate electricity between them

doesn't mean anything will happen.

Course not.

But I might just nip round there
and check they're OK.

I don't suppose you'd let me
buy you that drink now, would you?

I'm not doing anything with you.

Not until I find out
what's wrong with you!

Well, there is something.

I knew it! You've got no nipples.

You eat dogs.

You're wearing women's underwear!
That's it, isn't it? Show me!

- Wait! That's not it.
- What is it, then?

You'll laugh. Everyone laughs.

I promise I won't. Just tell me.

It's my surname. It's unusual.

Oh, God, it's not Stringfellow,
is it?

No. It's Chegg.

What?

My name's Scott Chegg.

That's it?

Isn't that enough?
I was bullied for years.

The other boys grabbed me and rolled me
in breadcrumbs in home economics.

That name has been a curse.

Well, Scott is a stupid name, but...
I can live with it.

So you might want to go out sometime?

Yes, I think I might.
I just appreciate honesty.

It's important to get
all the little secrets out

before jumping into a relationship.

I agree.

- (BABY CRIES)
- Is that YOUR baby?

Let's get you nice and drunk.
Then I can tell you all about me.

Only me! Just making sure
everything's all...

Janet, er... Wesley...
We were just...

having a sleep.

For old times' sake.

A sleep? Then why has Donna got
a used condom in her hair?

It's conditioning.

It's good for split ends.

Well, I'm satisfied.
Let's go get some eggs.

I can't believe you two.

Gaz, you promised me
this wouldn't happen again!

Do you want to get in?

No, I do not! We're not French!

We can't keep doing this.

She's right.

This is ridiculous.

Ridiculous...

or strangely arousing?

You're a dick!
Do you love me at all?

You know I do. And I love Corinthian
more than anything.

Then why do you keep doing this?

Because...

because I love Donna, too.

That didn't seem to matter when you
were shagging me behind HER back!

You said you wanted to be with me. Did
we go through all that shit for nothing?

I'm sorry, Janet. I never meant for this
to happen, but I've been kidding myself.

I wish I didn't... but I love him too.
I always have.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.
But we can't go on like this.

This isn't fair on any of us.
You've got to choose, Gaz.

It's impossible! It's like trying
to choose between Ant and Dec.

You have to decide what you want
once and for all.

Janet's right.

It's make-your-mind-up time.
There'll be no going back after this.

It's up to you, Gaz.
So who's it going to be?

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakies. ♪