Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 7, Episode 5 - Here Bums the Bride - full transcript

Excuse me. You've still not done
anything about the wedding, Gaz.

Have you done anything for this wedding?

I've done everything.
You are gonna love it.

Here we have Jonny cake,

Jonny flowers,

Jon-fetti!

I can't wait to see Donna's face!

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while



♪ I'll have pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

Well, you look beautiful.

And that's it.

Ten minutes' time,
I will officially own you!

(Laughs) You're my bee-atch!

My beautiful bee-atch.

I'm your bee-atch.

I'm looking forward to this,
you know, Gaz.

We've been through a lot.
I wasn't sure we'd get here.

Yeah, I know. Sat nav's shit.

Gaz, that's a calculator.

Listen, I just wanted to say...

that I'm really happy
to be marrying you, Gaz Wilkinson.



Well, me too,
Donna in-a-minute-Wilkinson!

I know I said I wasn't bothered
about the actual wedding but I am.

Thank you. I know this is gonna be a day
I'll remember for the rest of my life.

I think it's pretty safe
to say it will be.

- You've been amazing, Gaz.
- Yeah, well...

OK. Bouquet.

Oh. Let it go, eh?

Yeah.

(# The Wedding March)

Donna, please just try and stay calm.
It's our special day.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, Donna, I'm so happy for you!

Thank you for letting me help.
It really took my mind off Jonny.

Yes, I can see that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today
to celebrate the marriage

A day to celebrate love, happiness...

And obviously Jonny Keogh.

- Donna, don't.
- I'm sorry.

But will you look at this place?
What is this?

Donna... please.

Let's just get through the ceremony.
That's the important part.

I love you.

Us being married is what's important,
not all these decorations.

Donna, I'm so sorry.

I think I might of got carried away.
I want you and Gaz to be happy.

No, you're right. I'm sorry.

Got the rest of our lives.
This is just one day.

So please carry on.

OK, Gary Wilkinson,
do you take Donna Louise Henshaw

to be your lawful wedded wife,

to have and to hold,
in sickness and in health,

for richer for poorer
until death do you part?

I do.

- And do you, Jonny, take...?
- What?

I couldn't believe Donna!

I'm grieving.
I shouldn't be spoken to like that!

She said it was a pantomime.
Called me Widow Skanky.

And she ripped my beautiful dress.
There were tits literally everywhere!

Everywhere!

Yeah, maybe I should have warned you
it wouldn't go down well

but it was too funny.

You knew?
You knew it was gonna end in disaster?

Yeah, I know. Donna's face.

That must be the first secret
you've kept.

You're less discreet
than an incontinence pad under leggings.

And I should know.

What are you blathering on about?
I've kept loads of secrets.

Like that time my friend Karen from uni

was having an affair
with our married tutor.

You told his wife.

Even so. Karen didn't hold a grudge.

She said so in her suicide note.

Fine, forevermore,
I won't tell even one little secret.

God, it was bad, wasn't it?

I really went a bit far
with the Jonny theme.

You're completely obsessed with him.

It's not like you were married
or anything.

Yes, we were.

Well, it wasn't that serious
or anything.

We have a child.

No, you're right. I need to move on.

Why don't you get rid of his stuff?

- Do you think that would help?
- Dunno but I need more wardrobe space.

- You can start with his love letters.
- No!

Shouldn't I at least keep these
to remember him by?

His tender words of love
like "blow hole" and "chuff ring".

You don't need material possessions
to remind you of Jonny.

You've got that rash.

Oh, my God!

- What?
- Nothing. I was startled by those.

- Why?
- It's a secret!

Fine. I'll get some of Jonny's stuff
for the charity shop.

Jonny had loads of precious things
people can use.

His flannel, his toothbrush.

Ooh, that candle he made
from Corinthian's earwax.

Can't keep a secret indeed.

Well, Corinthian, you're not finding out
from me who your real father is.

(Coughs)

- What's up with you?
- I've got TB.

It might be catching so move away.

No, I meant to, like, Bootle.

That's it, that's it.

That's the last angry wank
you're gonna give me.

The poor thing looks like
a new-born mole.

Well, I'm in a mood.

I was thinking about me and Janet
the whole time.

- Ooh...
- Don't say it, Gaz!

I mean, she must be completely insane!

I feel for her, but enough is enough.

Donna,
why don't you just bury the hatchet?

If Jonny's death has taught us anything,

apart from try not to get eaten
by a shark,

it's that life's too short
for silly arguments.

You're right. I'll speak to her.

It's weird, innit?

I wore this suit for Jonny's wedding,
now he's dead.

Well, I don't think your suit
had anything to do with it.

It's polyester not kryptonite.

No, no, I'm just saying.
It makes you realise.

You never know
when that big beardy bastard

in the sky's gonna come after you.

- Richard Branson?
- Yeah.

Jonny's death made me think, right,

I should do all the things I wanna do
while I've still got a chance.

Gaz, how many more times?

Rabbis are not collectors' items.

No, no, I'm gonna make a list.

Three things that I really wanna do
before I die.

Is it the Sugababes?

Six things that I really wanna do
before I die.

Jonny was so very fashionable.

He was the first person in Runcorn
to have dreadlocks.

I did tell him to trim his pubes.

He nicknamed the area The Fugees.

That's lovely, Janet,

but this place is not helping me keep
my very important secret.

The walls have hearing aids.

Has Donna said something about me?
She has, hasn't she?

Normally, I would tell you

but as you seem to think
I'm so untrustworthy,

I'm keeping this one to myself.

Janet, Louise texted me to say
you'd be here.

Can't keep that to yourself!

Actually,
I have a massive, massive secret

but I'm not going to tell you.

It truly is enormous.

I wanted to say...

(Speaks gibberish)

(Speaks gibberish)

I wanted to tell you that...

(Speaks gibberish)

I can't say it!

What is that?

Jonny's favourite butt plug.

Ooh!

Oh, married sex is brilliant.

No wonder Judy Finnigan
looks so knackered all the time.

And may I just say, my beautiful bride,

thank you for letting me take you
up the aisle.

And for helping tick
the first thing off my list.

What? Making love to your new bride
on our wedding night?

No, Gaylord!

To star in my own porno.

Come out now, Munch.

Hiya!

You filmed us having sex?!

I thought I could hear coughing!
That's why you're wearing make-up!

That's one of the reasons.
Well, aren't you chuffed?

You've been the star
of Here Bums The Bride.

It's the happiest day of my life!

That was the naughtiest thing
I ever did watch.

I've never seen anyone
open a jar of Branston like that before.

Get out!

Donna, number one on my list
was to become a porn star

and you really object to me achieving
a life-long ambition? For shame.

What?

And you've still not made up with Janet.
For shame.

Well, I tried. I couldn't.

Couldn't speak.

You've ignored Janet since Jonny died.
What's the matter with you?

Cos I'm scared.
I can't talk to her any more.

I can only go... (Speaks gibberish)

Since Jonny died it's like...

Listen... When my mum died,
it was the bleakest time of my life.

My heart actually hurt.
I thought I was gonna die from the pain.

Why didn't you tell me?

Erm... because as I recall you were busy
stuffing yourself up my best friend.

(Giggles)

All right, point taken.

And to revisit those times,
to see Janet go through so much worse...

It's like... if you died.

You know, your husband. I can't take it.

I understand that I am marvellous.

You know, you've got to try
and get through this.

Try to get used to it.
Spend some time around death.

Like an abattoir

or one of Runcorn's
popular suicide hot spots.

Maybe I could work in that charity shop.

That's fully decrepit old farts
not long for this world.

They'd help me see that death rules.

Hey, that's the spirit!

One day you'll make someone
a lovely husband.

- Is it today?
- Yeah.

Yes! Come here!

Now I've only got two things
on my list left to do.

Next I'm gonna drive the car
of my dreams.

- Ooh!
- Ford Mondeo.

Oh.

And then I'm gonna cure my phobia
of... you know, them.

(Bleats)

Dead Jonny,
I found your letter from the hospital

and I know you had
a DNA test on Corinthian

and I know you're not his dad

but I promise I won't tell anyone.

Well, apart from you
but you're made of concrete.

(Sighs)

Wow! I feel so much better now!

Thanks so much
for helping us out, Donna.

We don't get many volunteers.

No, no, thank you.

You're really helping me
get desensitised to death,

being old, probably ill,
rotting away on the inside.

I'm healthy as the day.

- (Coughing)
- Ooh, unlike this poor chap.

All right, Donna.
What are you doing here?

Have I gone to the pub by mistake?

It's this bloody sat nav Gaz sold me.
It just says "boobies."

- Munch, you should be in bed.
- I'll have a look while I'm here.

Who died? Jimmy Savile?

- How much is this?
- It's free! Just take it!

Don't touch any more stuff!
I don't want your germs!

Wicked! That means I've still got enough
for that hedgehog.

I won't starve tonight. See ya.

- Hiya, Janet.
- Hi, Munch.

Hello, Donna.

Janet, I've been thinking I've not been
the most supportive friend.

It's just... It's grief.

You know, it reminds me
of what I went through.

I don't think I really grieved properly
for my mum's death

and death gets to me.

Can you understand?

Death gets to you?

You think your mum dying is comparable
to what I've been through?

Well, yeah. There were people
wearing black and a coffin, big fire.

- Situations are pretty similar.
- They're not, they're completely different!

You lost a parent. You expect
to lose those. They die all the time.

You do not expect to lose your husband
at this age with a baby to look after.

- I'm sorry. I just thought...
- Yeah, well, you thought wrong.

I hope you never have to go through
what I'm going through.

I couldn't give a shit
how sorry you are!

You are both a cad and a scoundrel!
Good day.

Don't you go 18th century on my arse!

I can't believe
I am being insulted by a woman

who once had sex with a Turkey Twizzler!

Will you keep your voice down?
I don't want Jamie Oliver finding out.

Yeah, and I know Jonny's dead
and I know it's sad but for God's sake!

- I'm grieving!
- Aye, you're always grieving!

Yes, because my husband is dead!

Well, cope, then! Cope!
That's what I did!

(Sobs) I can't cope!
Do you understand? I can't!

Oh, don't worry, love. You'll make it up.

Well, I don't care about her.

(Sobs) Charity work is so overwhelming.

Oh, there, there.

Don't you touch me
with your hands of death!

Death is just a part of life, Donna.

Well, you would say that...
Dead Gran Walking.

You're too sensitive, dear.

Why do you think there were
so few suicides during the war?

Because we shut off our emotions
and just got on with it.

Didn't let things get to us.

That and the fact that faced
with impending doom,

we were more inclined to try anal.

You're right.
I can shrug off my emotions.

I can just carry on stony-faced.

And we already know you can do anal.

Bitch!

Slag.

No, Gaz, sorry, not you.

Do you know what?
I've had it with friendship.

I need to find myself a man.

- Do you?
- Yeah, I do.

I'm lonely.
I wanna be part of a couple again.

Feel a man's arms around me.

I've got arms.

Yes, you do, Gaz. Very nice arms.

Two of them, in fact,
but you are married and so is Tim.

Alas, I've not been able
to satisfy Helena

ever since she watched
Xena: Warrior Princess.

So that leaves me with Arthur...

or Gary from the chip shop.

He's only got one eye!

He puts a pickled onion in
the empty socket for special occasions.

(Corinthian cries)

It's all right. Hey, it's OK. It's OK.

He's been like this all day.

Nothing's settling him.
It's like he's possessed.

(Corinthian stops crying)

Oh!

Aw! I love babies, me.

They make me feel better
about my own tendency to slobber.

Do you like my new trackie?

It really suits you.

You look so... long.

And you smell so... strong.

Munch, would you like
to come back to ours for some tea?

You what? You can't be serious!

You'll have to chew
everything for him first!

Look, stay and have a drink with me.

Gaz, look, I know it sounds crazy

but I've never noticed before
just how...

He's so much like Jonny.

(Clears throat)
Fish finger butties all right, Munch?

Oh, brilliant! Omega 3.

You can have my takeaway.

Right, well, I'm off
to drive the car of my dreams.

Is that a dead hedgehog?

Nope. A Ford Mondeo.

It's a Ford Mondeo!

Let this baby rip! Come on!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

No emotion. Cool and calm.

(Man) Oh, my God! Is this dog shit?

Yes, it is. Cool and calm.

No emotion.

Oh, shit!

Hello, hubby.

- You all right, love?
- Yes, I'm very well, thank you.

Oh, I was achieving my dreams.

I've done all three now.

I've done porno, I've driven a Mondeo.

What about...?

(Bleats)

Good day.

I've done everything.

Porn, car, sheep.

Why don't I feel satisfied?

Come on. Help me out, Donna.

Well, would it be viable
and indeed welcome

for me to posit my feelings
on this existential dilemma?

Well, go on, then.

(Speaks gibberish)

Also I have to wax my top lip.

Otherwise I'm like Magnum PI,
as played by Tom Selleck.

Keeping secrets with you is such fun

and, don't worry,
I'll never spill about Corinthian.

Oh, hi, Louise.

I've got a date so can you...? (Whistles)

Course I can whistle!

(Coughs)

Don't worry, it's only TB.

Oh, God! TB! That's awful!

There's a very important little person
in the room, Munch.

Me!

It's really nice to get to know you
a bit better, Munch.

I've missed having a man around the house.

Louise has that moustache
but it's not the same.

I've not been on many dates before.
I'm not very good at talking to girls.

Oh, is it the phlegm?
Do you get embarrassed?

No, I get erect.

I'm banned from the swimming baths
and the gym, the cinema,

all farms.

Most kennels.

- You've not had many girlfriends then?
- No.

But I'm experienced.

When I was a kid,
I used to practise kissing with Jenny.

- Oh! Was Jenny your girlfriend?
- My turtle.

And, yes.

Oh, that Vimto's off!

Erm...

Er... Jonny, I mean, Munch.

Kiss me, you fool!
I don't wanna be alone any more.

Donna, do you think I look like
a homosexual gentleman in this top?

Arthur's been making advances.

No.

What about when I do this?

Step, step, shimmy.

Tim, do you give a shit?

Oh, you bitch!

You're like Joan Collins in... The Bitch.

From now on I am the ice queen.

I no longer have emotions.
I'm like a female Anne Robinson.

Oh, shiver!

And I definitely don't feel bad
about Janet.

Nope. I don't give a shit
about anything any more.

Well, someone's written "Donna's got a cock"
on the ladies' toilets.

- Doesn't matter.
- It was me.

Doesn't matter.

And I drew a diagram.

It doesn't... matter.

OK. I'll go and give it boobs... or not!

Has anybody got any bleach?

Janet's trying to seduce Munch
and he's got TB.

He was coughing all over Corinthian.
It was quite revolting.

Tuberculosis? That's...

That's deadly! Shit!

But what about my secret
that I'm not going to tell you?

Eh? Ah, Gaz.

Well, completed my list.

I feel just like Schindler.

I've got a secret
but I'm not telling you.

For once
I'm going to do the right thing.

We already know you're pregnant.

No, not that, you meaty thumbhead!

You know what? You're so lucky, Louise.

I've just completed a list,
life-long ambitions.

All this list has really done
is made me realise

the one thing that I want
more than anything

is the one thing I can't have.

Aw... An afro.

No, Louise. I'm talking about family.

I wish I could have a son.

I'd be such a good dad.

It breaks my heart to think
that's never ever gonna happen for me.

Oh, be gentle with me, Munch.
I'm sensitive.

Oi!

Tits first. I'm not a slag.

(Groans)

Whoa!

Oh, God! Are you all right?
Are you having a stroke?

They're like bags of glue.

(Groans)

Janet! Janet, stop...
Munch, get out of here!

It's all right. I've finished anyway.

He's got TB. It's deadly.

You could die. Corinthian could die!

- What?
- It's tuberculosis, Janet.

What's tuberculosis?

TB, you idiot!

TB means tummy bug.

I've got a bit of a tummy bug.

Oh... Well, I'll be on my way. Carry on.

Donna, wait! Look, Munch, you can go.

Oh! I never got me fish fingers!

Oh, yes, I did!

Janet, I'm really sorry
I'm scared of death.

I'm sorry I ruined your wedding day.

- I'm really sorry.
- No, I'm more sorry.

- I'm sorriest.
- Because I just... (Speaks gibberish)

(They speak gibberish)

I have no idea
what we're saying to each other.

Me neither.

But I love you, Donna.

I love you too.

And I don't need a man at all.
I need you.

You've been through this with your mum.
And you're my best friend.

Look, I'll always be there for you. I'll help.

Nothing will come between us again, OK?

(They speak gibberish)

That's so not a good look for you.

I never knew you had a moustache.

DNA test, Jonny not father,
letter, hospital, Corinthian, yours,

can't stop talking, argh!

What?

- Does Janet know?
- No. I haven't said anything to anyone.

I wanted to show I could keep a secret

and I think I've proven I can.

Oh.

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

I've got a son! I've got to tell Janet.
Oh, Louise!

Oh, suck my semi-functioning balls! Yes!

Oh, Corinthian.

You're the best reminder of your daddy
I could possibly have.

Now, let's light one of Daddy's candles

and fill our home
with a warming scent of ears.

Oh, Janet! Janet! I need to talk to you, right?
It's about Jonny.

No, Gaz, you really don't.
I'm fine. We're fine.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

Right, Jonny,
he took a test before he died.

Yeah, I know. Mensa.
They turned him down.

He got into the Newsround Press Packers.
I was so proud.

No, listen, right.

Please, Gaz. I'm all right.

I don't need to talk about Jonny
to keep his memory alive.

All I need is Corinthian, his son.

As long as I have him,

Jonny will always be
a part of our lives, won't he?

Yeah.

I'll always be here for him and for you.

Aw. Well, thanks, Gaz.
I'll put the kettle on.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey.

You all right, son?

We're family now. Yeah.

Suck my semi-functioning balls!

I hereby serve notice on this property
to begin repossession proceedings.

I'm gonna be on the streets
turning tricks!

She's got a baby!
You can't just turf her out!

My home! I'm gonna lose everything!

This is Aidan.

Hello.

Do you fancy a spit roast?

What? Oh, my God! You're an animal!
A pervert! How dare you!

Yes, all right, then.

Put the money down
and step away from the widow.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it.

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪