Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 7, Episode 4 - Dead Jonny Walking - full transcript
Janet finds herself unable to look at Jonny's newly-arrived headstone whilst Donna is running the pub with her wedding only a week away and herself too busy to prepare for it. Munch loses God and Louise discovers that her baby is to be a girl. This initially annoys her when she supposes that the baby could be prettier than her but,after a scare when she thinks the baby has died,she accepts that she will love her anyway.
I just wish I had
some proper male company.
- Do you want your job back?
- No. I want your job.
- Louise, do you wanna move in with us?
- Well, duh!
Greetings, Mr Wilkinson.
I have returned!
Munch!
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Two pints of bitter and what's yours?
- I'll have a pint of lager.
- Not you. That's nepotism.
No, it's not. It's a fiver.
Just wait your turn.
I'm rushed off my feet.
Well, Donna,
does this change your mind at all?
Even just a little bit?
I just wondered, you know.
Gaz...
Oh, my God!
I know!
A ring. Is it real?
No, Donna, it's fake. I bought it off a
leprechaun. I paid him moonbeams.
Of course, it's real, you idiot!
It's Elizabeth Duke.
Oh, my God!
Seeing as though
the Registry Office was booked...
Oh, yeah! I'd forgotten
I'd actually have to marry you.
Tim! Tim, look.
Oh, it's as classy
as Danielle Lloyd's boob job.
- Were your ears burning last night?
- No. Were you talking about me?
I thought your ears might be burning
from the friction of your huge
and pointless hair!
Suck it, sister!
Tim, you can't talk to me like that.
I'm your boss.
Oh, come on! You love it.
You need the skin of a rhino
in this job.
Oh, you already have one.
Two words - night cream.
Suck it, sister!
Tim, just one more bitchy word from you
and I'm gonna sack you.
Oh, I'm terrified.
Watch me run away sarcastically.
Ooh...
I shouldn't have to put up
with disrespectful staff.
Oh, blow jobs are funny.
Gaz, I need your support on this.
- They're funny and extremely tasty.
- Gaz!
My job's really demanding. We're
supposed to be getting married in a week.
Donna, don't worry about the wedding.
I'll take care of all that.
That'll be a real weight of my mind.
Just do one tiny little thing for me.
Is it a blow job?
You're, like, psychic.
How could you know that?
OK, you organise the wedding.
Nothing fancy, mind.
Just a low-key affair
with splashes of cream
and I'll give you as many blow jobs
as you like.
Just the one will do.
Nothing fancy, mind.
Just a low-key affair with splashes of cream.
- Deal.
- Yes! Whee!
And Mummy will always be there for you.
Ah, but who's this?
Why, it's Daddy!
Hello, Corinthian.
(Laughs)
Pooh! What's that smell?
Have you messed yourself?
Don't worry, son, so have I.
Jonny, you're so silly!
I am not silly. In fact, this week
I intend to become a farmer. Good day.
Well, this isn't at all creepy.
- What are you talking about?
- What are you doing?
You're confusing your baby
and my baby and me
and the invisible people
who live within my head.
Hi, Tanya.
Look, I don't want Corinthian
to forget about Jonny
so I'm gonna remind him
on a daily basis.
Look, Daddy's favourite pin-up.
Mother Teresa
was Jonny's favourite pin-up?
No, silly. His pin-up's on the back.
Well, I've got to go for a scan
of my baby.
I'm gonna find out the sex. I'm so excited.
Do you wanna know the sex?
Don't you want it to be a surprise?
I'll be surprised by the birth.
I've heard the words
"involuntary anal expulsion" mentioned.
(Giggles)
It'll be like a colonic.
Ciao!
(Knock on door)
- Oh, hi.
- Memorial stone, Jonny Keogh.
Oh, yes. That's us. Oh, how exciting!
How... frigging massive!
Yeah!
Thanks for that.
Apparently once you get married,
oral sex goes out the window.
Kinky!
No, I mean it goes up the spout.
Christ! Will it fit?
I mean once you get married
you don't have oral sex any more.
Oh... Are you sure you wanna marry me?
After our cheese and wine party
in the pool room, definitely.
Well, you didn't whine that much.
- Just get it organised.
- All right.
Greetings, fair brother.
Munch... Brilliant.
Listen, I need a best man, right?
Ommm.
- Why are you doing that?
- Because it's written.
Where's it written?
Birmingham.
You've changed since you've been away.
I have travelled far and wide
and become a much more learnedlier person.
The places I've seen, the people I've met,
they've have taught me
the path of righteousness
and it has led me back... to Runcorn.
Well, it's as good a place as any.
Who are these people, then?
The people of the word.
What word?
(Birmingham accent) All roight!
Now if you'll excuse me,
I must partake of some refreshment.
Yeah, I'll get you a Vimto in.
Donna, Vimto!
I don't drink alcohol any more.
- Vimto isn't...
- Shh, now, little one.
You can't tempt me. Ommm.
But I need a best man
and want my brother back!
The one who dipped his toast in battery acid
because it tasted stingy.
The one who cried when he saw a
naked lady cos her dinky had fallen off.
He hath gone.
I do not know of whom you speak... eth.
I'll clout you, if you don't stop.
- Get this down you!
- No!
Have it! Go on!
Go on, son! Have that!
Hiya!
Miss Brooks, you wanted
to know the sex, didn't you?
Yes, yes! Is it a boy?
(Whispers) I've been eating oranges.
Actually, recent reports suggest that
diet doesn't affect the sex of the baby.
What are you talking about?
I just thought you'd like to know
what I had for breakfast.
I'm pleased to tell you
you're having a baby girl.
What? But I hate girls! I wanted a boy!
Go on! Get out! Shoo!
Listen, right, it's good
to have you back
but women do not wanna stroke that.
But it's really soft.
It's like a pony's nose.
Come on.
I'll... Donna, I'll see you later.
I'm just gonna organise this wedding.
- Will it be featured in Hello!?
- And?
- What?
- I was waiting for the bitchiness.
(Posh voice) Will it be featured
in Hello! or Horse and Hound?
Will it be featured in Hello!
under What Are They Wearing?
Will it be featured in Hello!
or hi, my name is Tim,
Sir Bitchy Gayness
that makes Donna
feel bad about herself here?
- Pardon?
- You're making my job hell.
- You're bullying me.
- I'm not a bully.
- You antagonise me.
- I'm not an antagoniser.
- You're a typical man.
- I'm not a...
Well, just lay off, Tim, OK?
Life's hard enough at the minute.
I've got my job, my wedding.
I missed Diagnosis Murder yesterday.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Donna.
- I'll be nice.
- Thanks.
I'd get Gaz to tear you a new arsehole,
if you weren't
but then again
you'd probably enjoy that.
Gaz? That melon-headed Neanderthal
you let poke your fuzzy bits?
Why are they together?
Is it pity? Is it desperation?
We'll never know cos when we ask them,
they merely grunt
and sniff each other's arse cracks.
Bugger.
- Timothy...
- Yes, Donna.
You're fired! Pick up your stuff and go!
Fine. Fine but you haven't heard
the last of me.
And don't think you're keeping John.
- Hi, Tim.
- Janet! Loving your work.
- Oh!
- I smell irony.
That got rid of him!
How are you, Janet?
It's nice to see you out and about.
Jonny's memorial stone just arrived.
I couldn't look at it.
It just feels like he's all I think about.
That must be really upsetting.
Is that why you're wearing
his scraggy old clothes?
These are my clothes.
Oh, they're really nice.
Actually, you've worked here before.
Do you want a job?
Really? In here?
Yeah. Well, I need a barmaid,
you need the distraction.
It'll be fun having us working together.
I would love that. Oh, thank you, Donna!
Ha! Suck it, sister!
Do I have to?
Is that in the job description?
(Razor buzzing)
Sounds like killer bees.
There. Do you want me to do you?
Buzz, buzz.
No. I'm OK, thanks.
Oh, that's very lucky
cos it's toilet time.
Don't worry, I never use toilet paper.
I'm ecologically-friendly.
I use bread.
- Munch...
- Don't worry.
I'll put it back in the bag
when I'm done.
Honest.
Oh, no. Multigrain.
This is gonna be pippy.
Munch... Munch, wait.
What?
When you came back, I was really happy.
Aw!
Hugging you reminds me
of hugging a very warm tree.
All right. Listen.
I was chuffed, right...
because I thought I could have a best mate.
I thought I could have a best man.
I mean, you know Jonny passed away.
Who's Jonny Pastaway?
No. Jonny... Jonny died.
- Oh. To be with the angels?
- Yeah.
Oh, he's so lucky.
I wish I could be with the angels.
Lucy Liu with my girl Drew.
Cameron D and Destiny.
I thought that me and you could have
that kind of relationship, you know.
We can. I can be Lucy Liu
because of my Asian heritage.
I do appreciate the bean sprouts.
But we can't
and you can't be my best man,
unless you get less stupid.
How dare they!
A girl indeed! Oh!
Ooh! They've sent me a gift to compensate.
It's good to see the NHS
have got their priorities sorted.
Oh...
(Gasps)
Oh.
Oh, that's unusual.
If she wasn't crazy before, that thing's
gonna send her completely Frank Bruno.
(Door opens)
Louise! Guess what? I'm all better.
I've got a job!
And do you know what?
I've not even felt sad today.
Usually, I'd cry on the way past
Jonny's favourite haunts,
which are now literally his favourite haunts.
That's brilliant but to be sure,
let me test you for madness.
Ask me anything.
I just wanna prove I'm sane.
Oh, OK. Check this out.
- Oh, Jonny!
- Oh, joy.
I... I need to get back to work.
I don't need to be reminded of... Jonny!
(Sobs)
Wait. Who's gonna look after you?
- Dadda.
- Dadda's dead, isn't he, stupid!
(Sighs) Fine. I'll baby-sit, then.
God, I wish I were having a boy.
You're so much more fun,
what, with your willies and such like.
How am I ever gonna get used
to having a... girl?
Corinthian, how do you feel about pink?
(Giggles)
Janet, you're five minutes late.
Fill the condom machine in the gents'.
It's run out of johnnies.
Jonny!
Yes, and we're expecting
a delivery of spirits.
A case of Smirnoff,
half a case of Johnnie Walker.
Jonny walking!
- You all right?
- Fine.
OK, we also need the Johnny Cash CD
replacing on the jukebox.
It's scratched.
Jonny was always itchy.
There's a Johnny Depp poster
someone's stuck
on the glory hole in the gents'.
It needs removing with a wire brush.
It seems to be pasted on.
Excuse me, new barmaid.
Can I have some
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny... Johnny?
What?
I simply asked for a packet
of cheese and onion crisps.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, Donna.
I can't do this!
Great. That was mean!
You're a cruel piece of shit,
Timothy Claypole!
I'm just trying to show you
how much you need me.
Janet needs time to heal.
You're pushing her into a stressful job
that only someone strong...
- John Barrowman's dead.
- Johnny!
There you go.
You look lovely.
Maybe girls aren't so bad.
What a day!
All I want is a hug off my son.
Don't you mean your daughter?
Meet Florence.
Where did you get that?
It reappeared at toilet time.
Munch magic!
Much, look.
Look.
I need you to be
more of a normal human being.
More like Jonny,
so you can be best man at my wedding.
OK.
What did you and Jonny used to talk about?
Well... We used to talk about shit mostly.
OK. Does yours ever have
little tiny maggots in it?
No, just like...
What's in the news today?
Iraq or Iran.
I can never tell the difference.
I'm so stupid.
Gaz, can you tell me the difference?
Course I can. The letter Q.
- Wow!
- Why are you so thick?
Gaz, I've never told anyone this.
I can't read.
Oh.
Blah, blah, blah.
Gaz, this doesn't look like
you're organising a wedding here.
This looks like a Mensa sub-group.
Denser.
We are.
We're organising the party favours.
Do you even know what party favours are?
Of course.
It's when the registrar takes you off
into the side room to sign the register.
Then you perform your wifely favour.
Then I have a party all over your face.
It's a little gift.
Oh, it is, Donna.
Truly is.
How am I gonna cope, Jonny?
I've got nothing to focus my brain on.
Janet, have you got
any wedding magazines?
I've got...
What the frigging hell's that?
It's Jonny's memorial stone
for the grave.
Are you sure they didn't dip his body
in some Polyfilla and prop him up?
No, the statue doesn't have
any of Jonny's growths -
the warts, the carbuncles.
They have been very generous
about his tiny penis.
Oh, I've got a million and one things
to do for this wedding.
Well, I've planned a wedding before.
- When?
- Mine!
Oh, yeah. God, that was shit, wasn't it?
I could help you plan your wedding.
It would help me, focus me,
get my mind off Jonny.
That's a great idea!
And I need to teach Munch
how to be a human.
Yeah.
I need a best man for my wedding.
Ooh. I was kind of thinking...
No?
How have you managed without not
being able to read? That's incredible.
I tell people I'm blind.
They believe me
cos I bump into things a lot.
And I have a heightened sense of smell.
That's peculiar.
Well, I can teach you how to read.
Got all the Janet and John books.
Janet and John Go To The Zoo.
Janet and John Go To The Park.
Janet and John get pissed and vomit
on a Polish gentleman.
That's more of a photo album.
Well, I should do something for you.
Hey, Janet Tits has gone crazy and left.
I could work here.
(Sniggers) He's not barman material!
Not five minutes ago
he tried to lick my trousers.
They had sauce on them.
If you didn't like it,
you could have stopped me.
Er...
Well... Well, you'd already started.
I didn't like to interrupt.
Munch would make a great barman
because he's not a bitch,
so suck it, sister!
Oh, not again!
Louise, don't think I've forgiven you
for putting my son in a bra.
I'm sorry, Janet. I just wanted
to see what it was like having a girl.
And the answer is crap.
Yeah, well, some people
shouldn't be allowed children.
You, royalty and women who get back into
shape really quickly after giving birth. Bitches.
Janet! I just don't want a girl, OK?
It's different when it's your own.
How would you know? You've got a boy.
You've got one of the good ones.
Oh, I wish we were in China.
Oh! Louise,
that's a terrible thing to say!
I just fancied some noodles.
Why is that so terrible?
Oh. What have you got
against girls anyway?
Cos I'm one.
I know what it's like being a woman.
You get passed over for promotion,
you get ignored in conversation.
We can't even vote.
I can't bring another woman
into this world.
Bollocks! You love being a woman.
The clothes and the hair and the way
we scare men with the word "cramps".
What's the real reason?
Because... Because
she might be prettier than me, OK?
Well, she will be, in your eyes, anyway.
She'll be perfect.
Well, I wasn't prettier than my mum.
Well, I've never met your mum
but if she's better looking than you,
then I'll go les for her.
You don't understand.
Round there at my mum's
I'm ugly and I'm fat
and I'm lazy and I'm stupid.
And the only way I can stop her
from saying those things, from hating me
is to bring her Temazepam and her booze
and the occasional passing Greek sailor.
I had no idea.
And that's why I'm demanding a recount.
Last score, zero penises.
This time I want to see at least one
and if I don't see one,
if it's not a boy,
there's only one option.
Don't. Oh, please, don't!
She'd be better off that way
than having a mother like me.
(Sighs)
Poor Louise.
But she's probably right.
Oh, Jonny, we're all gonna miss you
at this wedding.
I wish you could be part of it.
That's it.
They'll have a Jonny-themed wedding day!
Munch, chuck these in the dishwasher.
Munch magic!
(Glass smashes)
Tinkle, tinkle!
I've not seen anything so spectacular
since I cleared 12 foot
with my own ejaculation.
You were up a ladder
and you were pointing it downwards.
Happy days.
Oh, thanks for footing it for me.
Safety first.
You still owe me a replacement salad.
I wanted blue-cheese dressing,
not knob cheese.
Fox's Glacier Mints got really big.
He's so thick!
He can't be my best man.
I'm gonna have to fire him.
This tap's gone again!
- I'll have to get the fella out.
- It's a pressure problem.
You just need to release the air
that accumulates in the pipes
every couple of weeks.
How do you know that?
It was in this.
- I thought you said you couldn't read.
- I can't.
Oh... I see what you mean.
I can read words.
But then what can't you read?
Music, obviously.
I always wanted to play the triangle.
Gaz, I've written a speech
for the wedding.
I'm quite the public speaker.
I learnt it in Birmingham.
(Birmingham accent) Ta-ra, a bit.
I'll never replace Jonny, though.
That guy was a genius.
Yeah, he was, Munch. He truly was.
Excuse me. You've still not done
anything about the wedding, Gaz.
Au contraire, mon cherie.
The wedding is sorted.
Munch is the best man.
Other arrangements are taken care of.
- Really?
- I swear on your life.
So everything's sorted?
You've sorted the flowers and the cake,
everything?
Yep.
The buttonholes,
the ushers, the invites
the band, the caterers.
Yeah.
Absolutely everything. Sorted.
What are you looking at?
A bit of a shitter you're in, isn't it?
Yes, well, you'd know.
I'm sure you've been
in enough shitters yourself.
You're just insecure because
you're marrying someone beneath you.
- Pardon?
- Yeah, you're gorgeous.
You're sassy, you don't take no guff.
I bet you take a bit of guff.
And that's why I...
That's why I like you.
Really? Then why are you so mean to me?
We have banter.
I've not had
a proper female friend before.
And men don't tend to like me
for floopy-do-knows-what reason.
And I'm a bitch.
You're a bitch.
I'm slightly masochistic
and masturbate about you punishing me.
We could run a really good pub together.
Well, I've already got a barman.
There you go, Arthur. I made it meself.
You know what, Tim?
You would be a draw for the customers.
You know, like them restaurants
in that London
where people go
especially for the rude waiters.
You know, KFC.
Exactly! So can I have my job back?
Only if you promise to be mean
about me and my hair.
Oh, seriously,
Dolly Parton's got nothing on you.
You know, except for a pair of breasts.
And you're so far in the closet,
you're meeting Aslan.
And then you're sucking his cock.
I just needed to check
that you didn't make a mistake.
We rarely make mistakes.
Except with old people
who are gonna die anyway.
So, any cocks?
No. It's definitely a girl.
I need to get my colleague.
What? Not even a tiny one?
Come on, give me something
to work with, people.
What's going on?
Is something wrong?
Having trouble seeing the heartbeat.
- What do you mean?
- Yeah, it's...
Tell me! What's happening to my baby?
Dear God, please let my baby be alive.
I don't care whether it's a boy, girl
or a giraffe.
In fact, I like girls.
Well, I don't but I like this one
because she's mine.
Please, please don't take her
away from me.
Please, please, please.
With sprinkles.
Oh, thank God!
Your baby was on her side.
Dozy arse.
If she'd gone private,
I wouldn't be drunk, would I?
You can get up now, Miss Brooks.
You're having a healthy baby girl.
Wait. Just let me listen
to the heartbeat again.
(Heartbeats)
Just don't be prettier than me, OK?
Janet... have you done anything
for this wedding?
Donna's on the warpath. I haven't done a thing.
Don't worry. I have done everything.
You are gonna love it.
Now, what's the one thing we're missing?
Er... An elephant.
No! Something more important!
If it isn't an elephant,
a financial advisor.
No. Something closer to your heart.
My lungs. They're gonna be there!
Gaz, it's your best friend! Jonny.
Oh!
Oh.
So here we have Jonny cake.
It's a trial one.
I'm cooking his arms now.
Not his real arms?
Here we have Jonny flowers.
- Oh, sweetheart...
- Wait. Donna's gonna love this.
It's not confetti. It's...
Jon-fetti!
Hundreds of tiny Jonny heads.
I got them done at the copy shop.
What do you think?
I think I have a hundred
tiny Jonny heads in my mouth.
I know Munch is your best man
but come on.
Who wouldn't want
to be walked down the aisle
by a concrete representation
of their best friend?
I've put him on wheels.
"I intend to become a farmer. Good day."
It's like he's floating at me.
So? Are you happy?
- Well, are you happy?
- Who cares about me?
Seeing as you ask,
it's the happiest I've felt in weeks.
I think it's beautiful.
I can't wait to see Donna's face!
I just wanted to say that I'm really happy
to be marrying you, Gaz Wilkinson.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- Nothing.
Kiss me, you fool!
I don't want to be alone any more.
Oi!
Tits first. I'm not a slag.
What the hell is going on?
♪ Hey, Mr, Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
some proper male company.
- Do you want your job back?
- No. I want your job.
- Louise, do you wanna move in with us?
- Well, duh!
Greetings, Mr Wilkinson.
I have returned!
Munch!
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Two pints of bitter and what's yours?
- I'll have a pint of lager.
- Not you. That's nepotism.
No, it's not. It's a fiver.
Just wait your turn.
I'm rushed off my feet.
Well, Donna,
does this change your mind at all?
Even just a little bit?
I just wondered, you know.
Gaz...
Oh, my God!
I know!
A ring. Is it real?
No, Donna, it's fake. I bought it off a
leprechaun. I paid him moonbeams.
Of course, it's real, you idiot!
It's Elizabeth Duke.
Oh, my God!
Seeing as though
the Registry Office was booked...
Oh, yeah! I'd forgotten
I'd actually have to marry you.
Tim! Tim, look.
Oh, it's as classy
as Danielle Lloyd's boob job.
- Were your ears burning last night?
- No. Were you talking about me?
I thought your ears might be burning
from the friction of your huge
and pointless hair!
Suck it, sister!
Tim, you can't talk to me like that.
I'm your boss.
Oh, come on! You love it.
You need the skin of a rhino
in this job.
Oh, you already have one.
Two words - night cream.
Suck it, sister!
Tim, just one more bitchy word from you
and I'm gonna sack you.
Oh, I'm terrified.
Watch me run away sarcastically.
Ooh...
I shouldn't have to put up
with disrespectful staff.
Oh, blow jobs are funny.
Gaz, I need your support on this.
- They're funny and extremely tasty.
- Gaz!
My job's really demanding. We're
supposed to be getting married in a week.
Donna, don't worry about the wedding.
I'll take care of all that.
That'll be a real weight of my mind.
Just do one tiny little thing for me.
Is it a blow job?
You're, like, psychic.
How could you know that?
OK, you organise the wedding.
Nothing fancy, mind.
Just a low-key affair
with splashes of cream
and I'll give you as many blow jobs
as you like.
Just the one will do.
Nothing fancy, mind.
Just a low-key affair with splashes of cream.
- Deal.
- Yes! Whee!
And Mummy will always be there for you.
Ah, but who's this?
Why, it's Daddy!
Hello, Corinthian.
(Laughs)
Pooh! What's that smell?
Have you messed yourself?
Don't worry, son, so have I.
Jonny, you're so silly!
I am not silly. In fact, this week
I intend to become a farmer. Good day.
Well, this isn't at all creepy.
- What are you talking about?
- What are you doing?
You're confusing your baby
and my baby and me
and the invisible people
who live within my head.
Hi, Tanya.
Look, I don't want Corinthian
to forget about Jonny
so I'm gonna remind him
on a daily basis.
Look, Daddy's favourite pin-up.
Mother Teresa
was Jonny's favourite pin-up?
No, silly. His pin-up's on the back.
Well, I've got to go for a scan
of my baby.
I'm gonna find out the sex. I'm so excited.
Do you wanna know the sex?
Don't you want it to be a surprise?
I'll be surprised by the birth.
I've heard the words
"involuntary anal expulsion" mentioned.
(Giggles)
It'll be like a colonic.
Ciao!
(Knock on door)
- Oh, hi.
- Memorial stone, Jonny Keogh.
Oh, yes. That's us. Oh, how exciting!
How... frigging massive!
Yeah!
Thanks for that.
Apparently once you get married,
oral sex goes out the window.
Kinky!
No, I mean it goes up the spout.
Christ! Will it fit?
I mean once you get married
you don't have oral sex any more.
Oh... Are you sure you wanna marry me?
After our cheese and wine party
in the pool room, definitely.
Well, you didn't whine that much.
- Just get it organised.
- All right.
Greetings, fair brother.
Munch... Brilliant.
Listen, I need a best man, right?
Ommm.
- Why are you doing that?
- Because it's written.
Where's it written?
Birmingham.
You've changed since you've been away.
I have travelled far and wide
and become a much more learnedlier person.
The places I've seen, the people I've met,
they've have taught me
the path of righteousness
and it has led me back... to Runcorn.
Well, it's as good a place as any.
Who are these people, then?
The people of the word.
What word?
(Birmingham accent) All roight!
Now if you'll excuse me,
I must partake of some refreshment.
Yeah, I'll get you a Vimto in.
Donna, Vimto!
I don't drink alcohol any more.
- Vimto isn't...
- Shh, now, little one.
You can't tempt me. Ommm.
But I need a best man
and want my brother back!
The one who dipped his toast in battery acid
because it tasted stingy.
The one who cried when he saw a
naked lady cos her dinky had fallen off.
He hath gone.
I do not know of whom you speak... eth.
I'll clout you, if you don't stop.
- Get this down you!
- No!
Have it! Go on!
Go on, son! Have that!
Hiya!
Miss Brooks, you wanted
to know the sex, didn't you?
Yes, yes! Is it a boy?
(Whispers) I've been eating oranges.
Actually, recent reports suggest that
diet doesn't affect the sex of the baby.
What are you talking about?
I just thought you'd like to know
what I had for breakfast.
I'm pleased to tell you
you're having a baby girl.
What? But I hate girls! I wanted a boy!
Go on! Get out! Shoo!
Listen, right, it's good
to have you back
but women do not wanna stroke that.
But it's really soft.
It's like a pony's nose.
Come on.
I'll... Donna, I'll see you later.
I'm just gonna organise this wedding.
- Will it be featured in Hello!?
- And?
- What?
- I was waiting for the bitchiness.
(Posh voice) Will it be featured
in Hello! or Horse and Hound?
Will it be featured in Hello!
under What Are They Wearing?
Will it be featured in Hello!
or hi, my name is Tim,
Sir Bitchy Gayness
that makes Donna
feel bad about herself here?
- Pardon?
- You're making my job hell.
- You're bullying me.
- I'm not a bully.
- You antagonise me.
- I'm not an antagoniser.
- You're a typical man.
- I'm not a...
Well, just lay off, Tim, OK?
Life's hard enough at the minute.
I've got my job, my wedding.
I missed Diagnosis Murder yesterday.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Donna.
- I'll be nice.
- Thanks.
I'd get Gaz to tear you a new arsehole,
if you weren't
but then again
you'd probably enjoy that.
Gaz? That melon-headed Neanderthal
you let poke your fuzzy bits?
Why are they together?
Is it pity? Is it desperation?
We'll never know cos when we ask them,
they merely grunt
and sniff each other's arse cracks.
Bugger.
- Timothy...
- Yes, Donna.
You're fired! Pick up your stuff and go!
Fine. Fine but you haven't heard
the last of me.
And don't think you're keeping John.
- Hi, Tim.
- Janet! Loving your work.
- Oh!
- I smell irony.
That got rid of him!
How are you, Janet?
It's nice to see you out and about.
Jonny's memorial stone just arrived.
I couldn't look at it.
It just feels like he's all I think about.
That must be really upsetting.
Is that why you're wearing
his scraggy old clothes?
These are my clothes.
Oh, they're really nice.
Actually, you've worked here before.
Do you want a job?
Really? In here?
Yeah. Well, I need a barmaid,
you need the distraction.
It'll be fun having us working together.
I would love that. Oh, thank you, Donna!
Ha! Suck it, sister!
Do I have to?
Is that in the job description?
(Razor buzzing)
Sounds like killer bees.
There. Do you want me to do you?
Buzz, buzz.
No. I'm OK, thanks.
Oh, that's very lucky
cos it's toilet time.
Don't worry, I never use toilet paper.
I'm ecologically-friendly.
I use bread.
- Munch...
- Don't worry.
I'll put it back in the bag
when I'm done.
Honest.
Oh, no. Multigrain.
This is gonna be pippy.
Munch... Munch, wait.
What?
When you came back, I was really happy.
Aw!
Hugging you reminds me
of hugging a very warm tree.
All right. Listen.
I was chuffed, right...
because I thought I could have a best mate.
I thought I could have a best man.
I mean, you know Jonny passed away.
Who's Jonny Pastaway?
No. Jonny... Jonny died.
- Oh. To be with the angels?
- Yeah.
Oh, he's so lucky.
I wish I could be with the angels.
Lucy Liu with my girl Drew.
Cameron D and Destiny.
I thought that me and you could have
that kind of relationship, you know.
We can. I can be Lucy Liu
because of my Asian heritage.
I do appreciate the bean sprouts.
But we can't
and you can't be my best man,
unless you get less stupid.
How dare they!
A girl indeed! Oh!
Ooh! They've sent me a gift to compensate.
It's good to see the NHS
have got their priorities sorted.
Oh...
(Gasps)
Oh.
Oh, that's unusual.
If she wasn't crazy before, that thing's
gonna send her completely Frank Bruno.
(Door opens)
Louise! Guess what? I'm all better.
I've got a job!
And do you know what?
I've not even felt sad today.
Usually, I'd cry on the way past
Jonny's favourite haunts,
which are now literally his favourite haunts.
That's brilliant but to be sure,
let me test you for madness.
Ask me anything.
I just wanna prove I'm sane.
Oh, OK. Check this out.
- Oh, Jonny!
- Oh, joy.
I... I need to get back to work.
I don't need to be reminded of... Jonny!
(Sobs)
Wait. Who's gonna look after you?
- Dadda.
- Dadda's dead, isn't he, stupid!
(Sighs) Fine. I'll baby-sit, then.
God, I wish I were having a boy.
You're so much more fun,
what, with your willies and such like.
How am I ever gonna get used
to having a... girl?
Corinthian, how do you feel about pink?
(Giggles)
Janet, you're five minutes late.
Fill the condom machine in the gents'.
It's run out of johnnies.
Jonny!
Yes, and we're expecting
a delivery of spirits.
A case of Smirnoff,
half a case of Johnnie Walker.
Jonny walking!
- You all right?
- Fine.
OK, we also need the Johnny Cash CD
replacing on the jukebox.
It's scratched.
Jonny was always itchy.
There's a Johnny Depp poster
someone's stuck
on the glory hole in the gents'.
It needs removing with a wire brush.
It seems to be pasted on.
Excuse me, new barmaid.
Can I have some
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny... Johnny?
What?
I simply asked for a packet
of cheese and onion crisps.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, Donna.
I can't do this!
Great. That was mean!
You're a cruel piece of shit,
Timothy Claypole!
I'm just trying to show you
how much you need me.
Janet needs time to heal.
You're pushing her into a stressful job
that only someone strong...
- John Barrowman's dead.
- Johnny!
There you go.
You look lovely.
Maybe girls aren't so bad.
What a day!
All I want is a hug off my son.
Don't you mean your daughter?
Meet Florence.
Where did you get that?
It reappeared at toilet time.
Munch magic!
Much, look.
Look.
I need you to be
more of a normal human being.
More like Jonny,
so you can be best man at my wedding.
OK.
What did you and Jonny used to talk about?
Well... We used to talk about shit mostly.
OK. Does yours ever have
little tiny maggots in it?
No, just like...
What's in the news today?
Iraq or Iran.
I can never tell the difference.
I'm so stupid.
Gaz, can you tell me the difference?
Course I can. The letter Q.
- Wow!
- Why are you so thick?
Gaz, I've never told anyone this.
I can't read.
Oh.
Blah, blah, blah.
Gaz, this doesn't look like
you're organising a wedding here.
This looks like a Mensa sub-group.
Denser.
We are.
We're organising the party favours.
Do you even know what party favours are?
Of course.
It's when the registrar takes you off
into the side room to sign the register.
Then you perform your wifely favour.
Then I have a party all over your face.
It's a little gift.
Oh, it is, Donna.
Truly is.
How am I gonna cope, Jonny?
I've got nothing to focus my brain on.
Janet, have you got
any wedding magazines?
I've got...
What the frigging hell's that?
It's Jonny's memorial stone
for the grave.
Are you sure they didn't dip his body
in some Polyfilla and prop him up?
No, the statue doesn't have
any of Jonny's growths -
the warts, the carbuncles.
They have been very generous
about his tiny penis.
Oh, I've got a million and one things
to do for this wedding.
Well, I've planned a wedding before.
- When?
- Mine!
Oh, yeah. God, that was shit, wasn't it?
I could help you plan your wedding.
It would help me, focus me,
get my mind off Jonny.
That's a great idea!
And I need to teach Munch
how to be a human.
Yeah.
I need a best man for my wedding.
Ooh. I was kind of thinking...
No?
How have you managed without not
being able to read? That's incredible.
I tell people I'm blind.
They believe me
cos I bump into things a lot.
And I have a heightened sense of smell.
That's peculiar.
Well, I can teach you how to read.
Got all the Janet and John books.
Janet and John Go To The Zoo.
Janet and John Go To The Park.
Janet and John get pissed and vomit
on a Polish gentleman.
That's more of a photo album.
Well, I should do something for you.
Hey, Janet Tits has gone crazy and left.
I could work here.
(Sniggers) He's not barman material!
Not five minutes ago
he tried to lick my trousers.
They had sauce on them.
If you didn't like it,
you could have stopped me.
Er...
Well... Well, you'd already started.
I didn't like to interrupt.
Munch would make a great barman
because he's not a bitch,
so suck it, sister!
Oh, not again!
Louise, don't think I've forgiven you
for putting my son in a bra.
I'm sorry, Janet. I just wanted
to see what it was like having a girl.
And the answer is crap.
Yeah, well, some people
shouldn't be allowed children.
You, royalty and women who get back into
shape really quickly after giving birth. Bitches.
Janet! I just don't want a girl, OK?
It's different when it's your own.
How would you know? You've got a boy.
You've got one of the good ones.
Oh, I wish we were in China.
Oh! Louise,
that's a terrible thing to say!
I just fancied some noodles.
Why is that so terrible?
Oh. What have you got
against girls anyway?
Cos I'm one.
I know what it's like being a woman.
You get passed over for promotion,
you get ignored in conversation.
We can't even vote.
I can't bring another woman
into this world.
Bollocks! You love being a woman.
The clothes and the hair and the way
we scare men with the word "cramps".
What's the real reason?
Because... Because
she might be prettier than me, OK?
Well, she will be, in your eyes, anyway.
She'll be perfect.
Well, I wasn't prettier than my mum.
Well, I've never met your mum
but if she's better looking than you,
then I'll go les for her.
You don't understand.
Round there at my mum's
I'm ugly and I'm fat
and I'm lazy and I'm stupid.
And the only way I can stop her
from saying those things, from hating me
is to bring her Temazepam and her booze
and the occasional passing Greek sailor.
I had no idea.
And that's why I'm demanding a recount.
Last score, zero penises.
This time I want to see at least one
and if I don't see one,
if it's not a boy,
there's only one option.
Don't. Oh, please, don't!
She'd be better off that way
than having a mother like me.
(Sighs)
Poor Louise.
But she's probably right.
Oh, Jonny, we're all gonna miss you
at this wedding.
I wish you could be part of it.
That's it.
They'll have a Jonny-themed wedding day!
Munch, chuck these in the dishwasher.
Munch magic!
(Glass smashes)
Tinkle, tinkle!
I've not seen anything so spectacular
since I cleared 12 foot
with my own ejaculation.
You were up a ladder
and you were pointing it downwards.
Happy days.
Oh, thanks for footing it for me.
Safety first.
You still owe me a replacement salad.
I wanted blue-cheese dressing,
not knob cheese.
Fox's Glacier Mints got really big.
He's so thick!
He can't be my best man.
I'm gonna have to fire him.
This tap's gone again!
- I'll have to get the fella out.
- It's a pressure problem.
You just need to release the air
that accumulates in the pipes
every couple of weeks.
How do you know that?
It was in this.
- I thought you said you couldn't read.
- I can't.
Oh... I see what you mean.
I can read words.
But then what can't you read?
Music, obviously.
I always wanted to play the triangle.
Gaz, I've written a speech
for the wedding.
I'm quite the public speaker.
I learnt it in Birmingham.
(Birmingham accent) Ta-ra, a bit.
I'll never replace Jonny, though.
That guy was a genius.
Yeah, he was, Munch. He truly was.
Excuse me. You've still not done
anything about the wedding, Gaz.
Au contraire, mon cherie.
The wedding is sorted.
Munch is the best man.
Other arrangements are taken care of.
- Really?
- I swear on your life.
So everything's sorted?
You've sorted the flowers and the cake,
everything?
Yep.
The buttonholes,
the ushers, the invites
the band, the caterers.
Yeah.
Absolutely everything. Sorted.
What are you looking at?
A bit of a shitter you're in, isn't it?
Yes, well, you'd know.
I'm sure you've been
in enough shitters yourself.
You're just insecure because
you're marrying someone beneath you.
- Pardon?
- Yeah, you're gorgeous.
You're sassy, you don't take no guff.
I bet you take a bit of guff.
And that's why I...
That's why I like you.
Really? Then why are you so mean to me?
We have banter.
I've not had
a proper female friend before.
And men don't tend to like me
for floopy-do-knows-what reason.
And I'm a bitch.
You're a bitch.
I'm slightly masochistic
and masturbate about you punishing me.
We could run a really good pub together.
Well, I've already got a barman.
There you go, Arthur. I made it meself.
You know what, Tim?
You would be a draw for the customers.
You know, like them restaurants
in that London
where people go
especially for the rude waiters.
You know, KFC.
Exactly! So can I have my job back?
Only if you promise to be mean
about me and my hair.
Oh, seriously,
Dolly Parton's got nothing on you.
You know, except for a pair of breasts.
And you're so far in the closet,
you're meeting Aslan.
And then you're sucking his cock.
I just needed to check
that you didn't make a mistake.
We rarely make mistakes.
Except with old people
who are gonna die anyway.
So, any cocks?
No. It's definitely a girl.
I need to get my colleague.
What? Not even a tiny one?
Come on, give me something
to work with, people.
What's going on?
Is something wrong?
Having trouble seeing the heartbeat.
- What do you mean?
- Yeah, it's...
Tell me! What's happening to my baby?
Dear God, please let my baby be alive.
I don't care whether it's a boy, girl
or a giraffe.
In fact, I like girls.
Well, I don't but I like this one
because she's mine.
Please, please don't take her
away from me.
Please, please, please.
With sprinkles.
Oh, thank God!
Your baby was on her side.
Dozy arse.
If she'd gone private,
I wouldn't be drunk, would I?
You can get up now, Miss Brooks.
You're having a healthy baby girl.
Wait. Just let me listen
to the heartbeat again.
(Heartbeats)
Just don't be prettier than me, OK?
Janet... have you done anything
for this wedding?
Donna's on the warpath. I haven't done a thing.
Don't worry. I have done everything.
You are gonna love it.
Now, what's the one thing we're missing?
Er... An elephant.
No! Something more important!
If it isn't an elephant,
a financial advisor.
No. Something closer to your heart.
My lungs. They're gonna be there!
Gaz, it's your best friend! Jonny.
Oh!
Oh.
So here we have Jonny cake.
It's a trial one.
I'm cooking his arms now.
Not his real arms?
Here we have Jonny flowers.
- Oh, sweetheart...
- Wait. Donna's gonna love this.
It's not confetti. It's...
Jon-fetti!
Hundreds of tiny Jonny heads.
I got them done at the copy shop.
What do you think?
I think I have a hundred
tiny Jonny heads in my mouth.
I know Munch is your best man
but come on.
Who wouldn't want
to be walked down the aisle
by a concrete representation
of their best friend?
I've put him on wheels.
"I intend to become a farmer. Good day."
It's like he's floating at me.
So? Are you happy?
- Well, are you happy?
- Who cares about me?
Seeing as you ask,
it's the happiest I've felt in weeks.
I think it's beautiful.
I can't wait to see Donna's face!
I just wanted to say that I'm really happy
to be marrying you, Gaz Wilkinson.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- Nothing.
Kiss me, you fool!
I don't want to be alone any more.
Oi!
Tits first. I'm not a slag.
What the hell is going on?
♪ Hey, Mr, Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪