Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 7, Episode 3 - Homophobia Is Gay - full transcript

My best friend's just been ate
by a shark.

(Vicar) He restoreth my soul.

You are pregnant.

Shit.

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Yeah, of course. It's your handbag.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have pint of lager, please



♪ And a pack of flakeysl ♪

OK, the reasons
I should be living with you

are numerous and threefold.

One, I'm 23 years old.
I should be living away from home.

Two, I'm pregnant.
You'd be an excellent baby-sitter.

Three, you're insane. Behold.

Turf keeps me warm.

And, no, you can't move in.

Is Corinthian all right in there?

Oh, he's not in here.
I've had to get my parents to look after him.

I've got no money for heating and...
I'm such a bad mum.

Aw... Yes, you are.

But it's not like anybody died.

Oh, yeah, they did.
Are we not over that yet?



No. And since Jonny's gone, I've not worked.
We haven't got his benefits.

I've not even got any money for milk.
Luckily, I make my own.

Oh, poor Janet. I'll tell you what...

- Yeah?
- I'll move in with you.

No!

I'll pay rent.

No! I need to stand on my own two feet.

Oh, I can't even stand
on my own two feet!

I'm gonna have to call
one of those compensation companies.

Was Jonny insured in the event
of being nibbled to bits by a shark?

Dunno. Does it count as an act of God?
God made sharks.

And apparently made Jonny tasty.
Yum, yum, yum...

- Milk?
- I-I-I take it black.

And next time, mate,
I'm bringing my family.

We're gonna mess you up. Do you get me?

Clear off, Aidan.

Oh, the trials and tribulations.

You know, Donna, one of these days

I'm gonna snap like the G-string
of an overweight Chippendale.

I know. Just because you're gay.

I wouldn't worry.
Some people are just so homophobic.

It's ignorant, is what it is.

- Excuse me?
- Ignorant.

We're all a bit bi-sexual, aren't we?

Me, myself, I have often thought about...
No, forget that.

Got the image of a vulva
bearing down on me like a slimy coconut.

I am not gay!

- But...
- No buts, Donna.

I don't like "buts".

Well, I just thought...

Mr Barrowman is one of
our finest talents of stage and screen

and Torchwood rocks...

..if you watch it with the sound off.

Well, I just thought, you know,
the musical theatre thing

and the blatant homosexuality, you know.

I am sick of this.

God, it's like my turn in
Runcorn's celebrated Amdram production

of The Wizard Of Oz all over again.

- Lion.
- I'm not lying. I was the Tin Man.

Can a gentleman not appreciate
the musical talents of another gentleman

without being considered gay?

Not often, no.

I'll have you know,
I'm a happily married man.

- Is it to another man?
- No!

Father made me marry Helena
when I was 16.

Since then I've grown to love her
as a wife and as some form of a woman.

Poor Tim.

If the death involved machinery,
press one.

If the death involved a vehicle,
press two.

If the death involved
bizarre sexual activity, press three.

Sharks are sexy.

Please hold
while we connect you to an operator.

(# Celine Dion.. My Heart Will Go On)

His favourite film.

♪ Every night in my dreams

♪ I see you, I feel you

♪ That is how I know you go on... ♪

Ooh, hello.

(Woman) Hello, Melanie speaking.
How may we help you?

Oh, hello. My name's Janet Keogh.

I called earlier
regarding my husband, Jonny.

OK. Just getting your file up.

Yes. I'm sorry, Mrs Keogh,
but as he decided to jump the shark himself

and was aware of the risks involved,

it doesn't actually qualify
as an accident.

Well, he didn't bloody well
do it on purpose, did he, Melanie?!

He didn't cover himself in sausages

and dance in front of it going,
"Bite me, bitch," did he?!

Hello? Melanie? Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh, I am a terrible mother!

Ooh...

Hello, little piggy.

- So...
- Hmm?

Have you ever lubed up your bits
with Patak's Madras paste

and jerked off into a chapatti?

Obviously not. Have you?

Yeah. Just the once.

They kicked me out of Dil Raj.

Have you ever shagged a settee?

On your knees?
Like, between the seat cushion?

Gaz, why are you asking me this?

It's just since Jonny... you know...

I've had no one to talk to about it.
It was mine and Jonny's number-one topic.

Analysing every aspect
of the male masturbatory process.

We even made a chart. Look.

Duration... location... ejaculation.

"A small abandoned Wendy house."

Ooh... that's 12 minutes.

Oh.

I need someone to talk to about this.

If I can't have Jonny,
I'll have to find the nearest thing.

A rake and a wig?

No.

Janet.

Back to work, Goldilocks.

- I'll be off in a sec.
- Gaz!

That man needs help coming out.

He obviously has an issue
with his father.

I'll make this place more gay-friendly.
What do gay men like?

Er... Shirley Bassey.

Poppers...

Dicks up their arse.

Yes, well done, Gaz.

It's exactly the type of
homophobic attitude I'm trying to avoid.

I'm not homophobic.
I've got loads of gay friends.

Well...

(Sighs)

I had.

Hmm. We'll be fine, Corinthian.

We have this. Daddy's secret stash.

See, he's still looking after us.

Cheers, love. Knock yourself out.

Ooh... Six, no, seven pence

and hundreds and hundreds
of "Free Nelson Mandela" badges.

- Ciao!
- Hey.

Louise, what are all those suitcases for?

- You're not trying to move in, are you?
- No.

I was reading a book

and it said that luggage
can help with emotional baggage.

It's like a tangible way
of coping with loss.

It's very clever.

Oh, yes, it is clever.

Hey, Louise.
Janet, I need to talk to you.

All right. What's the matter?

Right, it's... It's about wanking.

Aw, I caught Jonny doing it once
in the airing cupboard.

Ruined that plumber's overalls.
God, that man could squirt!

See, this is good.

I need to talk about masturbation
and you're the nearest thing to Jonny.

Go on. Splurt away, pal.

- No, Gaz.
- Why not?

Because I'm not Jonny.
I can't be your friend.

Why?

Let's see what happens when you and me

start a sexually-charged conversation
when left alone together.

Oh, that? The thing?

Yes, the thing. Our thing.

You need a friend. A male friend.

- In here, skivvy.
- Louise, what is that?

In the book it said that in order to release
the cold feelings of, erm...

milk and lettuce,

er, one must have a tangible...

You are not moving in! Get out!

(Squeals)

So, Corinthian, right,

do your emissions
ever smell like an old sailor's boot?

Oh, Gaz!

How am I supposed to be a good parent
when you're poisoning my son's mind?

What? All you've got to do is stay alive
and you're already one up on Jonny.

Gaz, I'm not gonna die.
I never ever take risks.

I had palpitations
when they brought out Vanilla Coke.

The home's full of dangerous things.

Huh? It is.

There's food poisoning,
the faulty wiring, sheep.

It's all there. It's all out to get you.

- It's like that film...
- Final Destination.

No. Final Destination 3.

OK, well, I'll just have to stay safe.

- Louise!
- What?

Sit here, Mr Claypole.
Tim will be out in just a minute.

Tim! Tim, I've got a surprise for you.
Come on.

You're not in love with me, are you?
I've told you I'm a happily married man.

And where is your wife right now, Tim?

It's Thursday. She's at rugby practice.

There's someone
I think you should speak to.

Dad?

Now I think you two have got
a bit of a conversation to have.

Hello, Tim.

(Clears throat) Yeah, all right, Dad?

Anything you wanna say to each other?
About your marriage?

About your...?

You know...

Oh, yeah!

Honk, honk! Woo! Woo!

What are you doing?

I've shagged that.

Nice. Fancy having a pint with your old man?

Yeah, beer... Yeah.

Make mine a low-carb
and stick some bitter lemon in it.

- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

I can't be myself around him.
He brings me out in the shivers.

I thought you'd be happier if you confront
who you really are and you are a gay man.

I am not gay.
How many times do I have to tell you?

Tim, listen fella,
I need to talk to you about your cock.

For God's sake!
Did you put him up to this?

I definitely didn't.

I'm sickened like a bulimic at Easter.

Tim, you need to come out.

Look, even if I was gay
what business is it of yours?

You have no right to interfere
in my private life.

I thought it'd make you happier.

Happy? I ask you do I look happy?

No. No, you don't look happy exactly.

What's another word for happy?
You look more gay!

- And you look fired.
- What?

You're fired. Get your stuff and go.

I was only trying to help.

So may I ask, right,
whilst masturbating...

have you ever got it stuck
in a dead woodland creature?

No.

Would you like to?

I just ran over a rabbit.

OK, all you need to do is stay alive. Easy.

Ow! Paper cut.

Ooh!

Ooh! God, that was close!

I very nearly died.

I need a drink.

Oh! Brasso!

OK. OK, I'll just sit right here
until I die of natural causes.

Oh, the Plague!

Oh, God! Death is out to get me.
It's everywhere.

Janet, are you OK?

Not really. I nearly killed myself.

That's why you need me to move in.

A lot of accidents happen in the home.

My Auntie Nigel
accidentally killed herself in the home.

She accidentally ate 300 paracetamol,

then accidentally
drank two bottles of gin,

then accidentally stuck her head
in the oven.

It was a terrible accident.

And I was meant to be moving in
the following week.

You're right. There's all sorts
of dangers in here. I need to get out.

Though outside is full of dangers too.

Thieves, muggers, vagabonds, sheep.

What you need
is something to protect you.

Yes, you're right.
I need a suit of armour.

Or did I mention I could do
a bit of karate?

Hi-ya!

- Hello.
- So can I move in?

No.

Jonny would want me here.
I know he would.

I'll prove it.

Oh, yeah? How?

I'll... I'll hold a seance.

Louise, that is completely insane.

I'm off to get a suit of armour
cos my house is trying to kill me.

Tidy all those papers up.
We'll be back in an hour.

Jonny's diary?

Oh! What kind of person looks through
a dead man's diary?

Me!

Oh, God! Excuse me.

Excuse me. Thank you very much.

(Dog barks)

Whoa! Hello! Sorry!

- Ah, isn't he a dear little thing?
- Stay away from me, bitch!

Go on!

Go on!

If you're so straight,
name three woman that you fancy.

- I'm in love with my wife.
- You're allowed to look.

Are we?

I'll be at the sixth-form college.

Three women.
No, I'll make it easier for you.

One. Name one woman that you fancy.

OK... Her.

Janet.

Donna, it's a scary world out there

and now Louise is holding
a bloody seance in my house to contact Jonny.

My God.

Are you worried someone scary might
come through like the devil or Idi Amin?

Donna, Idi Amin's not dead.
She still reads the news on Channel 4.

Now, do you have any armour?

Oh, you're in luck.

I've still got my Tin Man costume

from Runcorn's celebrated
Amdram production of The Wizard Of Oz.

Can nobody else see that he's gay?

Don't be so daft! He's married!

That's like saying Jonny was gay!

And he fired me for it, you know.
Just for pointing out the obvious.

- That's a bit unfair.
- Yes, it is unfair.

It's unfair dismissal, is what it is.

I am going to the highest court
in the land!

That man's arse is mine!

This man's arse, Donna Henshaw,
is taken.

I mean, this man's arse is...

This man's arse is full up.

I mean... Get out, you're barred!

Ta-da!

Excuse me, I'm so sorry about earlier...

Stay away from me, bitch!

Maybe Janet was right.

Maybe I just need male company.

Maybe I don't wanna
talk about masturbation at all.

Oh, Gaz.

Maybe I wanna talk about anal.

No, I think you love Jonny
and you need to express that.

Eugh! Love?

I did not love him!

Wanted to talk about Gaz-turbation
with a willing ear.

Can I put it in your ear?

No, Gaz.

Your best mate's been ate by a shark.
Of course you're gonna be upset.

I don't care that Jonny's dead.
People die.

I'm completely over the whole...

Well, I'm glad you are.

Louise is at Janet's
trying to contact him through a seance.

I'm coming, Jonny!

(Speaks gibberish)

Look at her.

She's like that creepy little girl
off that film.

- The Exorcist?
- No. Amélie.

Jonny, if you're out there,
please give me a sign.

(Gasps)

(Deep voice) Salutations.
It is I, Jonny, from beyond the grave.

(Tuts)

All right, Jon?
How's it going? You good?

This is stupid.

Verily, this morning
I had breakfast with Ted Rodgers.

This afternoon
I'm playing croquet with...

Ted Rodgers.

Oh, classy!

Tell me, Louise, why is Jonny's voice
all deep and weird in heaven?

I have taken up smoking.

Now, Janet, let Louise move in with you.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Jonny. Jonny, Jonny, it's me.

Listen, since you've been gone...

there's something that I wanted to say to you.
Something I've never said before.

I...

I love... wanking.

- What?
- Eugh! That's foul! I mean...

(Deep voice) Don't be so repulsive.
Now about Louise moving in...

Oh, give it up!
This is getting insulting.

Janet, my darling wife...

do you remember when you won me back

by dressing entirely
in a cheese and onion pasty bikini?

We kept the gusset for a month.

Oh, my God! Jonny?

Indeed. And I often think about

how you always wave goodbye to your poos
when you flush the toilet.

Well, it's only polite.

There's no way she could know this.

And that I once indulged in a threesome

with Janet and Gordon Burns,
presenter of The Krypton Factor.

No, we didn't.
Jonny just fantasised about that.

What's going on?

In an emergency contact my mum.

My hat size is seven and a half.

Wait... What's this?

I suppose that would be Jonny's diary.

I think you should go, Louise.

- (Deep voice) Don't blame Louise.
- Get out!

Oh...

- You OK?
- I'll be fine.

Now Gaz,
did you ever get your chat about...?

What the hell was that?

That was a hand job.

My God! No wonder Jonny liked to... so much...

What was that?

It doesn't matter.

No, I didn't get my chat

but I came to realise that's not
what I wanted.

I just wanted to tell him.

Well, I'd better be off.

(Clears throat)

See ya.

I loved him, all right?

I loved Jonny.
Yeah, go on, take the piss!

I loved him too.

You're supposed to. I'm not supposed
to feel like this about a bloke.

I never told him.

He knew you loved him.

I don't know why I did.
He was shit, wasn't he?

Really, really shit.

Oh, I miss him so much.

I'm sorry. You're right.

I don't... I don't need to talk about...

I just want to talk to him.

Me too and ask him
how I can stay safe for Corinthian.

Yeah. I don't think Jonny's
the best person to ask, really.

(Growls)

Come here.

You tried to kiss me!

I wouldn't kiss you if you were
the last man on earth.

So you do kiss men, then?
I'm gonna mess you up proper!

- I'm happily married.
- Well, where's your wife then?

Where's the little wifey?
She trimming her moustache?

Where is she?

I'm here!

Donna!

I've never wanted you more, hubby!

- This is your wife?
- Yes! We're married!

We're in love so piss off
or I'm ringing the police!

- Whoa!
- Yeah, "whoa!"

Well, she's fit.

And I bum her every night.

Don't push it!

So go on, get out of here!

Go on, the lot of you,
you little pricks! Go on!

Yeah!

- So?
- What?

- Anything you want to say to me?
- No, not really.

OK, fine.
I'll file this unfair dismissal claim.

- I'll send the boys back in, shall I?
- No! Wait!

Donna, I can't cope.

- Do you want your job back?
- No.

No. I want your job.

But... But...

I thought you didn't like "buts".

I'll give 'em a ring.

Don't worry, ickle baba.

Mummy's gonna be safe
and around forever

now that she has her panic room!

Now I can just squeeze in
half an hour's complete safety

before I squeeze your dinner
out of my boob.

It's stuck!

Janet, I've just come back for my stuff.

Janet, where are you?

(Janet) Louise! Louise!

That's weird. I think I can hear voices.

(Janet) Louise!

Oh, my God! The seance must have worked!

Dead Jonny? Dead Jonny?

Is that you, dead Jonny?

(Janet) It's not Jonny, it's Janet!

(Gasps) Oh, my God! You're dead too!

(Janet) I'm in the fridge.

You froze to death!
Oh, well, you best stay there.

It'll be nice and fresh for the mortician.

(Janet) Get me out of the fridge!

Oh!

(Screams)

Oh, my God! You're alive!

Of course I am.
I couldn't breathe in there.

If you hadn't been here, I could have...

become breathless.

Face it, Janet, if I wasn't here,
you would have died, wouldn't you?

A little bit.

Then Corinthian wouldn't have had
any parents, would he?

Not many, no.

So one could say I saved you.
That I deserve a reward.

- Louise, do you wanna move in with us?
- Well, duh!

Of course I want to move in with you!

And don't worry,
you won't even know I'm here.

Until I bring my trombone.

So have you ever...? You're no Jonny.

I just need some proper male company.

(Sighs)

I miss Jonny so much.
There's no one like him.

Greetings, Mr Wilkinson. I have returned.

Munch! Oh, Munch!

Oh, I've missed you! Where've you been?

- Donna, look! My brother's back!
- Hi, Munch.

I don't fancy yours much.

At last, some proper male company.

Come on. Sit down, sit down, sit down!

(Laughs)

Right, have you ever pulled out
a handful of pubes by accident, right,

then found it strangely erotic
so you kept on doing it until you were bald?

- Are you talking about masturbation?
- Of course!

Oh, no, Mr Wilkinson.
I don't talk about that sort of thing.

Not now I'm a spiritually
enlightened servant of the Lord.

♪ I'm going to zoom, zoom, zoom

♪ Around the room, room, room

♪ I'm going to zoom around the room
and praise the Lord ♪

- Get this down you.
- No!

Have it! Go on! Have it!

But who's this?

Why, it's Daddy!

Does this change your mind at all?

Oh, my God!

- You wanted to know the sex?
- Yes, yes! Is it a boy?

Hiya!

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeysl ♪