Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 7, Episode 2 - DABDAA! - full transcript

Listen, Jonny, just have a good time.
You deserve this.

It's not everybody would have the guts
to enter a competition

in which you win the chance
to fly to Hawaii

to jump over sharks
on a pair of water-skis, is it?

(Man on phone) This is the state
of Hawaii's sheriff's office.

We're trying to reach Mrs Janet Keogh.

Janet, what's wrong?

Jonny died.

He jumped a shark but he fell in the water.

It ate him.

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink



♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

Oi, what about me, eh?
Where's my supportive hand on my shoulder?

Ow!

(Shrieks) Sorry, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I got held up at the hairdresser's.

I told them I was going to be
wearing a hat but did they listen? No.

Can you believe it? They tonged me.

- Oh.
- Her hair, Gaz.

They tonged her hair.

I'm here now so you can start.

Chop, chop!



"'I am the resurrection and the life," '
sayeth the Lord.

"He that believeth in me
though he were dead, yet shall he live."'

Why didn't they let me be pole bearer?
I was his best mate.

Janet wanted the family to do it
and that's what's important. It's her day.

Yes, it's your big day, Janet.

You enjoy it.

Look at 'em. They're gonna drop him.

Janet, are you OK?

Oh, let it out, Janet. There, there.

(Vicar) "'And I will dwell
in the house of the Lord..."'

(Laughs)

Oh, my God! Look at it! It's just so...

(Laughs raucously)

I don't get it. What are we laughing at?

Oh...

No, I still don't get it.

(Laughs) He's dead and it's...

Oh, God! Sorry. I'm laughing in church.

And Jesus can hear me.

(Sniggers)

Jesus can hear me and he's dead too!

She's not gonna crack it open, is she?

Because if there's
any embalming fluid going spare,

I'm after a Dannii Minogue.

(Laughs)

Shit.

(Sobs)

PMT.

What time do we have to be at the wake?

Ten minutes.

She's spending time with her family.

We best get a move on, then.

Don't hit me!

My best friend's just been ate
by a shark.

You've never suffered with grief.

My mother died last year.

Get over yourself.

Well, Jonny was my friend too.

He didn't even like you!

- Yes, he did!
- No, he didn't!

He even made me sleep with Janet
just to get at you.

I don't think so, Gaz.

Yeah, well.

I was hoping I could pin that one on him.
He's not gonna say anything, is he?

No, he just thought you were a bit cold.

A bit of a damp squid.

Squib.

- What?
- A damp squib. Like a firework.

Squib isn't even a word!

It's definitely squid.
Fireworks aren't damp, squid are!

Fine. I will show you Jonny liked me.
See, he gave me this.

"Donna, have a great birthday."

"Lots of love..." (Mumbles) "..and Jonny."

Brackets "Don't get too drunk now.
Hee hee." Close brackets.

You see, Gaz. Hee, hee.

This card's from Janet and Jonny.

Yeah, well, he wrote it.

No, he didn't.
There's no love hearts over the Is.

Fine! I'll show you!

I will prove to you
that Jonny didn't think I was cold.

I'll ask Janet. Come on.

Fine, she's got nothing better to do today.

What was that?

Just said...

(Speaks gibberish)

- Right, and what does that mean?
- It was a prayer to Jonny's god.

He converted before, you know, he...

Converted to what?

What religion has as its mantra...?
(Speaks gibberish)

They're completely made-up words.

Probably the religion of squib, Donna.

It's a bit mean of them to hold the reopening
of The Archer on the day of Jonny's wake.

I know. Aren't we Cruella De Fabulous?

It's not so bad. Except for that.

And that.

And that.

Other that that it's... Louise!

Er... This seems so much more fun.

Sorry. Pregnancy hormones.

- What? You're...
- Pregnant.

The father doesn't want to know, of course.

He left for a distant land far away
called Bolton.

So I'm on my own.

But, look, I have my friends.
You're all gonna be there for me.

How can you be ignoring me
when I'm creating life?

Louise, you're not pregnant.

You're such an attention seeker.

How could you talk about yourself
when my husband just...?

Died.

Jesus, Janet, finish your sentence.

I'm sorry. I know. It's the grief.

And I have Corinthian to look after.

I have to get over this
as soon as possible.

Are you over it yet?

No! But I've got this leaflet
that tells you the five stages of grief.

If I can work through them quickly,
I'll be back-to-normal Janet

as quick as you can say...

Jonny's dead?

I'm sorry. It's the grief.

But, look, the stages are Denial, Anger,
Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

DABDA.

And when you've reached acceptance,
you can go, "DABDA!"

But what about me?

My real friends will care.
My real friends will believe me.

Oh, Gaz, Donna,
Janet doesn't believe I'm pregnant.

You do, don't you?

I couldn't give a tramp's cock.

Now they have to believe me.

Attention-seeking indeed.

Me? Moi? How could they?!

Louise, how are ya?

Auntie Val. How's your mum?

Fat and drugged. Samey-bamey.

Oh, God! I'll pop round there later, eh?

Wait! You're not?

No... No!

That will cheer your mum up no end.

No, no. I'm here for this.

Ooh, a disposable vibrating cock ring.

Yeah. I love 'em.

Bye.

Oh, and...

(Whispers) Don't tell, Mum. Hush, hush.

Damn you, Auntie Val!

(Sighs) OK, Denial.

Jonny's not dead. Jonny's not dead.

Jonny's not dead. Jonny is dead.

Ooh! Tick. Have it, Denial.

DABDA is now ABDA. ABDA!

(Corinthian cries)

Oh, please don't cry, Corinthian.

When you cry, I cry.

If I cry, I won't stop.

Then we'll drown. Which we may as well do
because your daddy isn't coming...

Ooh, Depression! Tick.

Have it! Oh, only ABA to go.

Which is what your dad used to say

when he was sending hate mail
to Scandinavian pop stars.

Janet...

How are you doing?

I'm holding it together.

I should think so too!

Jonny's barely cold in his grave.

You don't want to open it
for anyone for a long time!

I mean I'm bearing up.

Well, I just wanted you to know
that I was Jonny's friend.

Yeah, I know. We've met, Gaz.

Let me finish! Jesus!

And as Jonny's friend,

I think I have a responsibility
to look after you, see you're OK.

We're fine. That lucky little bastard
doesn't know what's going on.

And I'm halfway through
my list of grief.

- List?
- Yeah.

I've got Anger, Bargaining
and Acceptance to go.

Then, I'll be cool. DABDA!

Well, I can help you out with this,
if you like.

Oh, would you? Yeah. Gaz, that'd be ace.

Yeah, but not anger.
Women always go for the sensitive bits.

What? The...?

Yeah, intrinsic emotional code
of one's masculinity.

Oh! I thought you meant your bollocks.

Yeah, I did.

Bargaining sounds fun.
It's like playing shopkeeper.

Jonny used to love that game.

He used to try and sell me shoes

and I'd try not to think how gay
my best mate was.

OK, well, you be a shop owner

and I'll be a disgruntled
widow customer.

- What kind of shop?
- One that buys and sells souls.

- Dixons.
- Yeah.

Ding, ding.

Well?

- Well, what?
- You could ask how you can help me.

It's Dixons.

Oh, yeah. Well...

(Clears throat) Excuse me.

Excuse me. Can you help me, please?

What are you doing?

I'm on a break.
I'll send Raj up in a minute.

OK, Gaz, don't be Dixons.
Just be, like, a corner shop.

Oh, I can do that.

- Gaz, what are you doing?
- You're under 25.

I'm following you
so you don't nick any of my Pringles.

- God, this is hopeless!
- No, no! I can do it.

Erm...

I'll just be a random shop.

Erm...

(Posh voice) Hello, madam.

Could I sell you some string
or some bibles?

OK. Er... no.

I'd like to buy
my husband's life back, please.

Oh, that'll be L10 billion.

For Jonny?

That'll be L50.

For Jonny?

- How much have you got?
- Well... Hang on.

I have got... I've got...

Three, no, L4.46.

And a picture of Peter Crouch.

Why have you got that?

Well, I had no decent ones of Jonny
and it's the nearest thing.

Anyway, go on.

No, no. Seriously,
is that all the money you've got?

Yeah. I'm out of work, aren't I?

But it's OK.
Jonny taught me how to scavenge.

I've got some really tasty eggs
from next door's snake tank.

Well, then, I insist you pay me
with the picture of Peter Crouch.

Oh, great. Gaz, you're not very good
at this bargaining thing.

And for this I'll give you...

Oh, yeah... L15.

And, erm, your picture of Peter Crouch back.

Gaz, you're shit.

But I bargained! Woo-hoo!

ABA is now AA.

Ah-ah!

Now, Anger.
Hand me your big hairy emotional cause.

Louise, do you think
Jonny thought I was cold?

Give a shit? He's dead.

- Well, it's important to me.
- Why?

Well, because he was Gaz's best friend,
Janet's husband.

I don't understand it
when people don't like me for no reason.

It makes me want to, you know, grab 'em

and kick their twatting faces in

and nail their tits to a car
and shove a rabbit right...

Shh!

Not in front of the baby.

That's a pillow.

How dare you! This isn't a pillow,
it's a scatter cushion.

And it's doing a very good job

of muffling the sound of
your baby-hating voice from my parasite.

Louise, if you are pregnant,
then it's really your problem.

Your family can take care of you.

No wonder Jonny thought you were cold.

You won't even look out
for your own unborn nephew.

What?

OK. Anger.

Grrr!

That's so funny!

No. Come on, Corinthian.

There's got to be something in here
to get me riled.

Mr Jones of Widnes
selling a piano for L50.

You rip-off bastard cock farmer!

No, actually, that's smashing value.

Oh, God! This is hopeless.
I'm never gonna get through DABDA.

- Dadda.
- Yes, that's right. DABDA.

Dadda.

- Absolutely. DABDA.
- Dadda.

Look, I know you're saying Dadda
just to get at me.

But it's too sad.
I'm ignoring it. I've done Depression.

Oh, God! I need something
to get me angry.

- Ciao!
- Oh, thank you, God!

Can you believe
no one would believe I'm pregnant?

(Growls)

You can't hit me! I'm pregnant.

Only I couldn't buy a test.
It was too embarrassing.

Look, here. Have a cock ring.

There's tons of tests upstairs.
Help yourself.

Why is there tons?

Er... I was trying to trick Jonny
into having another baby.

- How?
- He was a heavy sleeper.

I won't go into details.

It involved a nocturnal blow job,

spitting into a shot glass
and a lubricated teaspoon.

That's not gonna happen now.
Now that he's...

Dead!

Jesus, Janet, you're gonna have to learn
how to finish a sentence sooner or later.

I must be cold.

I didn't feel anything. Not even when
Louise said she was carrying my nephew.

Where was she taking him?

Carrying him in her uterus, Gaz.

Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna!

It's called a Lexus.

She's having my brother's baby.

Really?

Well, it's a bit unfair she has to taxi
your nephew about as well, innit?

I think it's disgusting.

Exactly. I hope he's giving
her petrol money.

Gaz, Louise slept
with my 16-year-old brother.

Now she's having his baby.
Have you got it?

Oh, right.

How does she afford a Lexus?

I'm gonna go and see her.
Where's my bag?

What are you doing?

Looking for proof that
you're a warm and giving individual.

Well, there isn't any.

What's this exactly?

That's money, my money. Thank you.

Yes, that you were planning on giving
to Janet to help with Corinthian.

It all works out in the end.

I bet Jonny doesn't think
you're cold now.

What?

Yeah, I bet he's sat up there

on his Jammie Dodger
cloud in the sky thinking,

"Ooh, that Donna, eh?

"If only she'd give some money
to my poor widow,

"then... Ooh, I'd like her and that."

You're an idiot.

You should see 'em, Donna.
They've got four quid.

They're up shit creek.

Without a paddle.

Oh, no. They've got a paddle.

- Oh?
- But it's made of shit.

We've got to help 'em.

OK, fine. You can give them
a bit of cash on one condition.

- Anything.
- Anything?

No, no. Not anything, no.

I'm not having anything shoved up my arse.

You might have read
there's a G-spot up there

but if that was the case
I'd come every time I had a crap.

It's not that. I don't want you
getting too close to Janet.

- Donna, why?
- You know why.

See, that's cold.

(Sighs) What is wrong with me?

Even Jeremy Kyle didn't get me angry.

And he has called almost all
my family scum on national television.

Hi, Gaz. You OK?

Have you done Anger yet?

No. Have you brought that pillow
to protect your testicles?

What pillow? It's a scatter cushion.

No, I wanted to bring Corinthian a toy
but, apparently, we can't afford it.

Hello, Corinthian! Look.

It's Scatter McCushion!

Yeah!

You can't create a character
by putting "Mc" in front of a name.

Shut your mouth, Janet, McKeogh,

or Gaz McWilkinson will come in the mcnight
and I'll mcget you!

(Laughs)

Don't make me laugh!
I'm trying to get angry!

(Louise squealing)

- What was that?
- A squeaky mctwat bag.

Listen, right,
I know that you and the kid

are struggling for money at the minute.

Well, we kind of are.

Well... I'm not gonna give you any.

That's not
what I was expecting you to say.

No, cos if I give you money,
then I can't give you time.

Oh, good! Corinthian, did you hear that?

We're having time for tea tonight. Yum!

What's for pudding? Empathy?

I'm never gonna get through DABDA.
I don't seem to be able to get angry.

Oh, God!

All right!

Would it help
if you kicked me in the bollocks?

We can try.

So there's the proof?

You are pregnant.

Yeah. To your brother.

Well, Dion's only 16. Isn't that illegal?

No, I think as long as you look 16,
as I do,

then you're OK.

I mean, that's why Gary Glitter's
had so much Botox

and shaved his head like a baby.

So when's your due date?

I worked it out. June 30th.

- Isn't that Jonny's birthday?
- My God! You don't think...?

That it's a coincidence? Yes.

No. That I'm carrying
the reincarnation of Jonny?

No, I don't because that's insane.

The birthday, the cravings for food...

the birthday.

Oh, I'm hatching a chav!

This is a Katona-catastrophe!

You're not carrying Jonny

and if you were, it would be evident
in the fact that it wouldn't like me.

So come here.

Hello, in there.

Yes, this is Donna.

Can't wait to meet you
and have pleasant conversations with you.

That was more funny than anger-inducing.
Maybe we should try it again.

Oh, no! No! Oh, no!

No, I think it's safe to say
that experiment failed.

Go on. Just one more go.
I think I can feel some venom rising.

Go on, then.

Yeah, go on.

Ow!

No. Still funny.

I think I can feel 'em in my throat.

I don't seem to be able to get angry
because of this depression bit.

Every time I tick another item off,
the crying comes back.

I'm never gonna get back to normal.

Janet, you buried your husband
this morning.

You're moving quicker than Darren Day
on a stage full of blondes.

No, you're right.

I mean, if me and Jonny
had, like, split up or something,

I'd be going about it
in a completely different way.

What? Sleeping with loads of men
and drinking till you're blacked out?

No, Gaz. Not loads of men.

The men that would hurt him the most,
as you well know.

(Retching and groaning)

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Yeah, of course. It's your handbag.

Great.

Now do you believe I'm carrying Jonny 2,
Revenge of the Jonny?

No. I think you have morning sickness
in the afternoon.

That or you have
a really nauseating handbag.

That was 20 quid from Next.

Oh, you could have taken
my purse out first!

- Where was it from?
- Dorothy Perkins. Oh!

Look... I know this is
the reincarnation of Jonny.

You also know that all fat people
should be shot.

Excuse me, world hunger, obesity crisis,

all solved with one
big burger-shaped bullet.

Look... Jonny didn't like you.

Apparently not.

So talk to him.
Tell him what you really think.

That might not be such a bad idea.

Maybe then I can work out
why he thought I was so cold.

OK.

Why did you put up with your best mate
sleeping with Janet?!

Why did I have to be
the dumb one, you twat?

Donna was right.
We shouldn't spend time together.

But nothing happened.

We looked at each other in that way
and I got a slight semi.

Nothing to write to your mother about
but it was definitely there.

You write to your mum
about your erections?

What else am I gonna put
in the Christmas letter?

Look, we're always gonna have a thing.

But... Oh, God, now I feel guilty!

Shit, that's not even on the list!

It's DABDA not DABDAG.

DABDAG's too silly.

Oh, babe.

See, look,
I want to put my arm around you,

but we might get semi the sequel.

And this time it's personal.

It's just not safe
to go back in the water, Janet.

I won't notice. I just need a hug.

Oh, you'll notice.

Come over here. It's all right. It's OK.

I was stupid to think
I could do grief in a day.

I've put all this effort in.

I've not even paid any attention
to Corinthian.

He's the one I'm supposed
to be doing this for.

Where is he?

Oh, he was crawling towards the oven
the last time I saw him.

Corinthian!

I don't know.

Donna Henshaw had to be the strong one.

Donna had to cope the same way
she didn't react to her mum's death.

The same way she won't react
to her stupid mate shagging her brother!

This is good, Donna.

Who's the stupid mate
that shagged your brother?

Was it Janet?

I just kept breathing, kept existing,

while you, Jonny,
you got all the sympathy

because you were upset
and now you're dead.

Now I'm gonna have to be there
to help everybody else get through it.

And I'm sorry

but if that makes me cold...

then I'm cold.

That wasn't cold at all.

In fact, that was the fieriest thing
I've ever seen.

It's good you really care about stuff...

loser.

I do care, don't I?

Yeah, which means
you could care for me and my baby.

No, I can care for Janet and her baby

like I should have been doing
since the funeral.

Don't forget your bag of sick.

You're coming too,
you mad little twat bag. Come on.

She's talking to you, you know.

I don't understand how he got
into the neighbour's snake tank.

Maybe they ran out of dead mice.

I've been so focused
on trying to get angry,

I forgot why I was doing it
in the first place.

- My priorities are all wrong.
- Well, it's understandable.

- Is it?
- No. You're a mental bitch.

- Come here.
- Fine.

I'm just gonna have
to stick with depression.

I'll have to start again.

Now I'm feeling how I'm supposed to
and that's OK.

Janet! Janet, I brought you
some groceries for the week.

And a bag of sick.

Aw! See, Corinthian,
we've got a great support network.

We've got people to take care of us.

They might be mental, stupid and cold
respectively but they're there.

How did your list go?

I had everything except Anger.

It's a shame. I wanted to complete it.

These things take time.
We're there for you, though.

Even though when my mum died,
you slagged it up with my boyfriend.

What?

And guess what?

I'm carrying the reincarnation
of your dead husband in my womb.

DABDA!

Anger! You guys!

Whilst masturbating,

have you ever got it stuck
in a dead woodland creature?

Hi-ya!

Have you ever lubed up your bits

with Patak's Madras paste
and jerked off into a chapatti?

Jonny's diary.

Duration... location... ejaculation.

What kind of person
looks through a dead man's diary?

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪