Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 7, Episode 1 - When Jonny Met Sharky - full transcript
A camp young man called Tim becomes the new manager at the Archer and has a theme night dedicated to John Barrowma with Donna working alongside him. Jonny has won an adventure holiday in ...
Five, four, three, two, one! And act!
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Eating bananas makes sperm
taste just like bananas.
Gaz must be eating
a lot of rotten mackerel.
Donna! Donna, it's booked.
The registry office is booked.
You're finally gonna be mine.
For better, for worse.
Mostly worse, I grant you.
Gaz, if I can't find a job,
there's not gonna be a wedding.
- Oh, look. The Archer's reopening.
- I know. I can finally drink again.
When did you stop?
Last night. Well, this morning.
(Burps) Then.
They got a relief manager in
instead of Janet.
I could do that.
- They're looking for barmaids.
- Well, I could do that.
"A pint for you, sir.
I'm sorry, we don't do scratchings.
"If you don't like it,
you can take your business elsewhere.
"No, I'm not joking. Get out.
"I don't care if you are Billy Joel!
Why don't you just get out of my pub?"
I'm gonna go for it.
Just till something better comes along.
Yes, and we really need the money.
How exciting!
We're actually getting married!
Yeah.
"Yeah"?
This is the happiest day of our lives.
All I get is a "yeah."
Well, I'm just not an excitable person.
I can't stand what you people
would call fun.
Have a banana.
Yeah, Jonny, I love you.
You want to speak to Corinthian?
Actually, he's a bit tied up
at the minute.
No, not literally!
Gaz, untie Corinthian.
Listen, Jonny, just have a good time.
You deserve this.
It's not everybody would have the guts
to enter a competition
in which you win the chance
to fly to Hawaii
to jump over a shark
on a pair of water-skis, is it?
You are so brave. OK. Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss. No, you hang up.
Oh, look, Jonny, you're cutting up.
There must be a...
(Mooing)
..cow on the line. I love you. Bye.
It's so exciting. What's he doing?
Is he having fun?
I love fun, FUN!
Oi, where's my jumping up and down
and high-pitched
"Gaz, isn't this exciting, fun" voice?
He has just landed.
He bought a novel. Imagine.
How the other half live, eh?
I am so excited for him.
Yes, I think we get it.
Jonny loves his competitions.
So far he's won
a go on a tractor, a goldfish.
May Bubbles rest in peace
but by God was he tasty!
And now this! Hawaii!
(Geordie accent) Ha-wa-ii, man!
But I understand the Hawaii bit.
Everyone loves Italy.
Why would anyone
want to water-ski over a shark?
Hey!
Gaz, you're just jealous.
I am not. I don't get jealous.
Peter Andre.
How could one person
have that much talent? It's unfair.
He's already got
one of those flowery shirts.
What like Americans wear when they're
very proud of being obnoxious wankers?
No, no,
he said it's more frilly than that
and more transparent with embroidery.
He's bought a blouse, hasn't he?
Yeah.
And a flick and floop and a do, do, do.
OK, Archer, shine for Timothy.
Hello.
(Squeals)
- What are you?
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. What is that?
- What? Oh, this? It's my beauty.
- No.
The noise from your face.
It hurts here, here and here.
Flourish and kick.
Is this the refurb?
It looks exactly the same.
How dare you!
This pub is now a themed pub.
And the theme is John.
John Barrowman.
So, um, are you the relief manager, then?
Are you? Speak up, boy!
Oh, Mother, make the noises stop!
Weird, aren't you?
I've come for the barmaid's job, you oaf.
Temporarily till I'm discovered.
By what? Another bat?
- Are you talking about my voice?
- Well, duh!
Oh, I get it! You fancy me!
We can work through it
as long as we remain professional.
Pardon?
Maybe I'll let you grope me at Christmas.
But only if you give me Tuesdays off.
That's when I get my bum sucked out.
Oh! Oh! Colonic irrigation.
If you like. So how about it?
No, thanks. I don't want
to get sweet corn in my teeth. Atkins.
No! A job! I want a job as a barmaid!
Oh, I'm sorry, love. I just don't think
I could stand how you speak.
What's up with how I speak? (Screams)
- Thank you.
- And it's a great white shark.
Isn't that great?
And white and shark!
- Like in Jaws.
- And like in Jaws 2. Let's watch it.
- God, I'm really excited!
- You've said!
What is up with you?
All this fuss and excitement over Jonny
when I'm the one getting married.
What's he contributing to the world?
I'll have you know Jonny
has the largest collection of scabs
this side of Kate Moss's underwear.
So what? I can do better than that.
Yeah, he is fairly scabby, Janet.
I'd watch out.
No! I'm gonna do something so exciting,
you'll shit in your own eyes with glee.
I can't imagine anything being
so very, very gleeful
that I would open my bowels
into my own retina.
I'm gonna do something so big, so enormous
that Jonny's shark jump
will be unsignificant.
It's insignificant.
It's working already, see?
I wanna do something special for Jonny
to celebrate jumping the shark.
I've heard that there's this restaurant,
really classy.
I wanna take him there.
It's called Nando's.
But I need money for that type of place.
I heard they have a chicken, yeah,
on a stick.
Oh, yeah. I heard they have coleslaw
in an earthenware pot.
But I need a job so...
- Have you seen the barmaid job?
- Oh, yeah. I'm going for it.
Watch this.
Yeah, what?
That's all I've got.
What do you want? Fireworks?
I was going to go for it as well.
You don't mind, do you?
Donna, it's a pub.
There's bound to be more
than one barmaiding job, you big silly!
Runcorn is the alcoholism capital
of the north.
Yeah, you're right.
Though I do wish
they wouldn't put it on the town logo.
Yeah.
Oh, I was getting worried then.
It'll be fun us working together.
Yeah, course it would.
(# Jaws theme)
Gotta change my ringtone.
Hello. Oh, Jonny!
Guess what? I am taking you to Nando's.
Yes, there is! In an earthenware pot!
And another thing,
I may have a slight rhotacism.
I may not be able to say the letter R
but otherwise
I have beautiful speech patterns.
My voice is halfway between Judy Garland
and Mariella Frostrup.
Halfway between a corpse
and a chain smoker, a winner every time!
Oh, just go, will you?
Hmm! I'll show you, Timothy Claypole!
All right, Louise.
What do you think of this?
Gaz, where did you get that snake?
The snake shop on Church Street.
Next to the lizard emporium.
Opposite Iguanas-R-Us.
Oh, how dull!
I'll be at Janet's if you need me.
I will not. You all right, eh?
Woo!
I love what you've done with the place.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, so you've heard.
Oh, isn't it exciting?
Jonny Keogh
is my utter, utter, utter, utter hero.
Jonny Keogh
is an utter, utter, utter, utter twat.
Jumping sharks is all very well
but you watch this.
What do you think about that?
Erm... Well done.
Though most members of Runcorn's
Reptile Society don't tend to do that.
- The what?
- Meeting's in the pool room, Sebastian.
I jumped mine so I'm more exciting.
I'm still more exciting.
Listen, if you know Jonny Keogh,
can you get him to sign this for me?
Damn you, Jonny Keogh.
Damn you to a snakey hell.
I thought I'd nailed it.
What could possibly be more exciting
than a snake?
I'll tell you what's more exciting.
Marc Wootton exposed
on BBC Three in 20 minutes.
Here's a thought.
May it be a first of many.
I have done summat dead exciting.
Four words - naked, balloon dance.
Well, what's the fourth?
It's a bridge in Scotland.
(Squelching)
Ciao! What's up with you?
I just put BBC Three on and...
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Don't worry, it never works for me
at this time of night either.
Any-pennies, I need...
Louise, I'm on my way out. Can this wait?
No, it can't wait.
What do you take me for?
Some kind of man that the man on the
Guinness advert is talking about who waits?
That's what he does.
You know that man who waits?
And then there's a horse.
Fine. Just make it quick.
I need to improve my speech.
Oh, Louise! Thank God!
We've been trying to tell you for years!
I need to enunciate more clearly.
I need to get my tongue, lips and mouth
around some diction.
Is that what the kids are calling it?
So what I'm doing is tongue twisters.
Ooh, yes. I can do that. Watch.
No!
Around the ragged rock
the ragged rascal ran.
Wound the wagged what
the wagged what?
Fine. You'll see, Janet Keogh. You'll see.
Soon I'll do the hardest tongue twister
in the world.
Do you know the one
with the shake, the sheep and the stick?
Then I'll get the best job in the world.
A shepherd.
Do not mock me.
Oh, by the way did I mention...?
Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry. Red...
Wed wo-wee w-w-what?
Anyway, look, watch this.
(# The Oddballs Theme)
What is Gaz doing on BBC Three?
Who's the cameraman?
- (Pop)
- I think we need more balloons, Jonny.
This is a video. Jonny!
I wonder why
he's always filming Gaz naked.
- (Popl)
- Ooh.
No. Bad Janet!
Must focus on Nando's.
Eugh! Gaz naked!
So Tim, here is my CV.
As you can see, I have plenty of experience
and plenty of qualifications.
Well, two,
if you count being able to put my leg
around mine and other people's heads.
I don't need that kind of barmaid.
I need someone with the enthusiasm
for the products. A good seller.
Well, I can do that.
Well, down this, then.
What kind of deranged alcoholic woman
can down a whole pint of lager in...?
(Burps)
Sorry. Was that yours?
I've got a right thirst on me.
(Burps) Sorry.
So sorry I'm late.
So are we both barmaids?
Both?
There's only one barmaid position available.
- I'll take it!
- Hold on!
I'm getting married. I need the money.
Jonny's chicken on a stick
is more important than your wedding.
Ooh, cat fight! Meow! Meow!
Well, will that help me get the job?
Cos I am really hard.
I have previously killed a very small
but very scary gorilla
and when I say gorilla,
I mean it was a spider.
When I say spider,
I mean it was a dream.
Look, I want to see how good you are
with the customers.
Getting them all happy and entertained.
I want to see your karaoke.
Ooh!
Well, there's no karaoke machine.
They got rid of it
when Janet wouldn't stop singing
My Heart Will Go On.
♪ And on ♪
Au contraire, mon cherie.
Yes.
Thank God for the Evel Knievel
accessory shop on Church Street
next to the snake shop.
All right, then, Runcorn,
get ready
for Gaz "The Sausage" Wilkinson.
You want exciting, dear?
I'll give you exciting.
Excitement's my middle name, people.
Oh, yes, it is.
(Motorbike engine revving)
Yeah, baby! Come on!
Oh, yeah!
Let's see how they like this in The Archer.
♪ Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes ♪
(Engine stops)
OK, Timothy Claypole, listen to this.
"Boris Johnson
was today being treated in hospital
"after a rare mosquito bit him."
A big black bug bit a big blond bugger
and made the big blond bugger
bleed blood.
Give me a job.
You're not even in the running for it.
It's between me and Janet.
Hold on. Where's Janet gone?
(# My Heart Will Go On)
Hello, Runcorn!
Ooh! Arthur, stop!
Arthur!
Oh, my God, she's a nut!
And you know what I always say.
One nut can't cut.
To cut one nut
one nut needs a nut cutter.
Unless one's King Canute
and King Canute can't cut one nut.
- Well, you never said that before.
- I know. I'm getting really good.
(Whistles) Arthur, tug it hard.
Go on! Oh, that's it.
(Clears throat)
♪ Every night in my dreams
♪ I see you, I feel you
♪ That is how I know you go on
♪ Near, far
♪ Do, do, do-dah
♪ And I know that my heart... ♪
Hey, I bet you've never seen
anything this exciting. Oh, bollocks!
(Glass smashes)
Well, Janet's gonna take some beating.
Oh, I think I can manage.
(Cheering)
- Where did you get that outfit from?
- What are you talking about?
I always wear this under my clothes. Hit it!
♪ A chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken
♪ Lay a little egg for me... ♪
Tss!
♪ Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken
♪ Ooh, I want one for me tea
♪ I haven't had an egg since Easter... ♪
That song doesn't go with the outfit.
♪ And now it's half past three
♪ So chick, chick
Chick, chick, chicken... ♪
Or that one!
♪ Lay a little egg for me ♪
No!
Tim, you've had a tart and a tyre
and some inappropriate poultry.
Even with my slight speech impediment,
I'm far more suitable for the job.
Slight speech impediment?
Sweetheart,
you sound like Flipper being fisted!
Fine. I'll be lowering my tone,
if anyone needs me
and I don't mean
hanging with rapscallions like you!
Look, you two have proven to be just
as talented as one another at karaoke.
By which I mean you're equally shit.
We both need the job.
There must be something else we can do.
Well, let's see. Do either of you
have any special skills?
- I kill gorillas in my dreams!
- Yeah, well, I can do this.
I'm never gonna be exciting.
Maybe I'll just give up now.
Gaz... You're almost a man.
I need to learn
how to speak in a man's voice.
I need to swallow something
that makes my throat sore.
Well, don't look at me.
My emissions are like a banana smoothie.
Hey, hey, is that exciting?
No!
Fine. I'll just eat fire or something.
Or get one of those
voice synthesising machines
that always seem
to come with a free wheelchair.
That's it.
I'll set fire to me knob.
No, no, Not again.
Although fire is exciting.
It's more exciting than a shark.
Oh, yeah!
(Phone rings)
(Janet) Alohal We're not here
but if we were,
we'd give you a Hawaii high-five.... oh.
"Hawaii?" I hear you ask.
Well, Hawaii-not? (Laughs)
(Phone beeps)
(Man) This is Mano Ventura from
the state of Hawaii's sheriff's office.
We're trying to reach Mrs Janet Keogh,
regarding your husband Jonny.
Our number is 001808...
Well, I can do this.
Yes. Well... I can do this.
Good work!
Well, I can do this.
Quite impressive but I can do this.
Whoa!
Well, I... I can do this.
What am I doing now? What's...? Oh!
Well, I can do this.
- I can speak six languages!
- Overruled. No, she can't.
How would you know?
Or in Czech... Gra-bla... zinski.
In that case, I speak seven languages.
Or in French... Euf-neuf-neuf-neuf-nuef.
Maybe you should have picked a language
nobody is likely to have encountered.
Euf-neuf-neuf-neuf-nuef.
God, you're fluent!
Girls, I've already made my decision.
(Man's voice) I am the god of hell fire.
Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?
I got Arthur to record anything
I'm likely to say onto this.
How often do you say,
"I am the god of hell fire"?
More often than you think. Watch this.
(Man's voice)
Janet, that tracksuit is unflattering.
Is that Arthur?
He needs to give up the fags.
(Man's voice)
That is correct. Now give me a job.
(Mimics voice) No!
All right, everyone,
if I could have your attention, please.
I've finally found a way
to be more exciting than Jonny.
Where are you gonna put those sticks, Gaz?
Oh, the tension mounts.
My bride-to-be is getting all turned on
by her exciting fiancé.
I'll lick you later.
No, I'm not. I'm just frightened that
we're gonna have another trip to A&E.
I sat on it, all right?
And how did you accidentally sit
on a can of Dr Pepper?
You'd be surprised.
(Man's voice) I have often had a can
of Dr Pepper removed from my anus.
Arthur insisted on that one himself.
Come on, then, Gaz.
What's this great feat?
Bet it's not as good
as Jonny jumping over a shark in Hawaii.
- Oh, yes,
- Oh, can I smell alcohol on your breath?
Yes. Yes, you can, yes.
I have a very good reason.
For I am going to eat fire, fire, fire.
I've also been drinking
a lot, a lot, a lot.
Who's got the job, Tim? Me or Janet?
(Louise) Or me?
Erm...
Well, I've decided to go with Janet.
You're overqualified, Donna,
and she pulled an egg
out of her mouth, an egg!
Thank you! Thank you!
I am going straight home
to phone Jonny.
We will have Nando's!
Oh, my God!
Check it out!
(Dance music plays)
(Man) ..55734. And we'd really appreciate it
if you'd return our call
as a matter of urgency.
Oh, they want me to fly out!
Oh.
Hello. I mean, hi y'all. Or howdy!
(American accent) This is Mrs Jonny Keogh
speaking all the way
from jolly old England, innit?
Yes, that's right.
Yes, so you want me to fly out?
That's brilliant!
Why wouldn't I take it well?
It's the trip of a lifetime!
It's great and white and shark!
Look, is Jonny with you?
Can you put him on, please?
Why not?
Well, that's not true.
That can't be true.
Why are you saying things
that aren't true, you big fat liar?
Say it again.
Sorry for calling you fat.
Here we go! Are you ready, people?
Oh, shiver!
Do you know what?
That really was very exciting!
(Man's voice) Hooray!
Eh? Finally!
Finally, I've not been upstaged
by Jonny bloody Keogh, Eh?
- All right, Janet?
- You're back.
Look, I don't care that you won.
I don't want to be a barmaid anyway.
I'm gonna release
Chick, Chick, Chick, Chick, Chicken
as a 12-inch drum'n'bass remix.
I don't want the job. You can have it.
Oh, thank god! In your face, Keogh!
Gaz, we can get married!
(They laugh)
Janet... Janet, what's wrong?
Er... Jonny died.
He jumped a shark
but he fell in the water.
It ate him.
Oh, great.
And white and shark.
(Man's voice)
Janet, that tracksuit is unflattering.
Sorry.
Look at 'em. They're gonna drop him.
I just need a hug.
Come on, babe.
- I don't want you getting too close to Janet.
- Donna, why?
You know why.
Ladies and gentleman, give it up
for the cast of Two Pints Of Lager!
Natalie Casey.
Will Mellor.
Sheridan Smith.
Kathryn Drysdale.
And Luke Gell.
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Eating bananas makes sperm
taste just like bananas.
Gaz must be eating
a lot of rotten mackerel.
Donna! Donna, it's booked.
The registry office is booked.
You're finally gonna be mine.
For better, for worse.
Mostly worse, I grant you.
Gaz, if I can't find a job,
there's not gonna be a wedding.
- Oh, look. The Archer's reopening.
- I know. I can finally drink again.
When did you stop?
Last night. Well, this morning.
(Burps) Then.
They got a relief manager in
instead of Janet.
I could do that.
- They're looking for barmaids.
- Well, I could do that.
"A pint for you, sir.
I'm sorry, we don't do scratchings.
"If you don't like it,
you can take your business elsewhere.
"No, I'm not joking. Get out.
"I don't care if you are Billy Joel!
Why don't you just get out of my pub?"
I'm gonna go for it.
Just till something better comes along.
Yes, and we really need the money.
How exciting!
We're actually getting married!
Yeah.
"Yeah"?
This is the happiest day of our lives.
All I get is a "yeah."
Well, I'm just not an excitable person.
I can't stand what you people
would call fun.
Have a banana.
Yeah, Jonny, I love you.
You want to speak to Corinthian?
Actually, he's a bit tied up
at the minute.
No, not literally!
Gaz, untie Corinthian.
Listen, Jonny, just have a good time.
You deserve this.
It's not everybody would have the guts
to enter a competition
in which you win the chance
to fly to Hawaii
to jump over a shark
on a pair of water-skis, is it?
You are so brave. OK. Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss. No, you hang up.
Oh, look, Jonny, you're cutting up.
There must be a...
(Mooing)
..cow on the line. I love you. Bye.
It's so exciting. What's he doing?
Is he having fun?
I love fun, FUN!
Oi, where's my jumping up and down
and high-pitched
"Gaz, isn't this exciting, fun" voice?
He has just landed.
He bought a novel. Imagine.
How the other half live, eh?
I am so excited for him.
Yes, I think we get it.
Jonny loves his competitions.
So far he's won
a go on a tractor, a goldfish.
May Bubbles rest in peace
but by God was he tasty!
And now this! Hawaii!
(Geordie accent) Ha-wa-ii, man!
But I understand the Hawaii bit.
Everyone loves Italy.
Why would anyone
want to water-ski over a shark?
Hey!
Gaz, you're just jealous.
I am not. I don't get jealous.
Peter Andre.
How could one person
have that much talent? It's unfair.
He's already got
one of those flowery shirts.
What like Americans wear when they're
very proud of being obnoxious wankers?
No, no,
he said it's more frilly than that
and more transparent with embroidery.
He's bought a blouse, hasn't he?
Yeah.
And a flick and floop and a do, do, do.
OK, Archer, shine for Timothy.
Hello.
(Squeals)
- What are you?
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. What is that?
- What? Oh, this? It's my beauty.
- No.
The noise from your face.
It hurts here, here and here.
Flourish and kick.
Is this the refurb?
It looks exactly the same.
How dare you!
This pub is now a themed pub.
And the theme is John.
John Barrowman.
So, um, are you the relief manager, then?
Are you? Speak up, boy!
Oh, Mother, make the noises stop!
Weird, aren't you?
I've come for the barmaid's job, you oaf.
Temporarily till I'm discovered.
By what? Another bat?
- Are you talking about my voice?
- Well, duh!
Oh, I get it! You fancy me!
We can work through it
as long as we remain professional.
Pardon?
Maybe I'll let you grope me at Christmas.
But only if you give me Tuesdays off.
That's when I get my bum sucked out.
Oh! Oh! Colonic irrigation.
If you like. So how about it?
No, thanks. I don't want
to get sweet corn in my teeth. Atkins.
No! A job! I want a job as a barmaid!
Oh, I'm sorry, love. I just don't think
I could stand how you speak.
What's up with how I speak? (Screams)
- Thank you.
- And it's a great white shark.
Isn't that great?
And white and shark!
- Like in Jaws.
- And like in Jaws 2. Let's watch it.
- God, I'm really excited!
- You've said!
What is up with you?
All this fuss and excitement over Jonny
when I'm the one getting married.
What's he contributing to the world?
I'll have you know Jonny
has the largest collection of scabs
this side of Kate Moss's underwear.
So what? I can do better than that.
Yeah, he is fairly scabby, Janet.
I'd watch out.
No! I'm gonna do something so exciting,
you'll shit in your own eyes with glee.
I can't imagine anything being
so very, very gleeful
that I would open my bowels
into my own retina.
I'm gonna do something so big, so enormous
that Jonny's shark jump
will be unsignificant.
It's insignificant.
It's working already, see?
I wanna do something special for Jonny
to celebrate jumping the shark.
I've heard that there's this restaurant,
really classy.
I wanna take him there.
It's called Nando's.
But I need money for that type of place.
I heard they have a chicken, yeah,
on a stick.
Oh, yeah. I heard they have coleslaw
in an earthenware pot.
But I need a job so...
- Have you seen the barmaid job?
- Oh, yeah. I'm going for it.
Watch this.
Yeah, what?
That's all I've got.
What do you want? Fireworks?
I was going to go for it as well.
You don't mind, do you?
Donna, it's a pub.
There's bound to be more
than one barmaiding job, you big silly!
Runcorn is the alcoholism capital
of the north.
Yeah, you're right.
Though I do wish
they wouldn't put it on the town logo.
Yeah.
Oh, I was getting worried then.
It'll be fun us working together.
Yeah, course it would.
(# Jaws theme)
Gotta change my ringtone.
Hello. Oh, Jonny!
Guess what? I am taking you to Nando's.
Yes, there is! In an earthenware pot!
And another thing,
I may have a slight rhotacism.
I may not be able to say the letter R
but otherwise
I have beautiful speech patterns.
My voice is halfway between Judy Garland
and Mariella Frostrup.
Halfway between a corpse
and a chain smoker, a winner every time!
Oh, just go, will you?
Hmm! I'll show you, Timothy Claypole!
All right, Louise.
What do you think of this?
Gaz, where did you get that snake?
The snake shop on Church Street.
Next to the lizard emporium.
Opposite Iguanas-R-Us.
Oh, how dull!
I'll be at Janet's if you need me.
I will not. You all right, eh?
Woo!
I love what you've done with the place.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, so you've heard.
Oh, isn't it exciting?
Jonny Keogh
is my utter, utter, utter, utter hero.
Jonny Keogh
is an utter, utter, utter, utter twat.
Jumping sharks is all very well
but you watch this.
What do you think about that?
Erm... Well done.
Though most members of Runcorn's
Reptile Society don't tend to do that.
- The what?
- Meeting's in the pool room, Sebastian.
I jumped mine so I'm more exciting.
I'm still more exciting.
Listen, if you know Jonny Keogh,
can you get him to sign this for me?
Damn you, Jonny Keogh.
Damn you to a snakey hell.
I thought I'd nailed it.
What could possibly be more exciting
than a snake?
I'll tell you what's more exciting.
Marc Wootton exposed
on BBC Three in 20 minutes.
Here's a thought.
May it be a first of many.
I have done summat dead exciting.
Four words - naked, balloon dance.
Well, what's the fourth?
It's a bridge in Scotland.
(Squelching)
Ciao! What's up with you?
I just put BBC Three on and...
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Don't worry, it never works for me
at this time of night either.
Any-pennies, I need...
Louise, I'm on my way out. Can this wait?
No, it can't wait.
What do you take me for?
Some kind of man that the man on the
Guinness advert is talking about who waits?
That's what he does.
You know that man who waits?
And then there's a horse.
Fine. Just make it quick.
I need to improve my speech.
Oh, Louise! Thank God!
We've been trying to tell you for years!
I need to enunciate more clearly.
I need to get my tongue, lips and mouth
around some diction.
Is that what the kids are calling it?
So what I'm doing is tongue twisters.
Ooh, yes. I can do that. Watch.
No!
Around the ragged rock
the ragged rascal ran.
Wound the wagged what
the wagged what?
Fine. You'll see, Janet Keogh. You'll see.
Soon I'll do the hardest tongue twister
in the world.
Do you know the one
with the shake, the sheep and the stick?
Then I'll get the best job in the world.
A shepherd.
Do not mock me.
Oh, by the way did I mention...?
Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry. Red...
Wed wo-wee w-w-what?
Anyway, look, watch this.
(# The Oddballs Theme)
What is Gaz doing on BBC Three?
Who's the cameraman?
- (Pop)
- I think we need more balloons, Jonny.
This is a video. Jonny!
I wonder why
he's always filming Gaz naked.
- (Popl)
- Ooh.
No. Bad Janet!
Must focus on Nando's.
Eugh! Gaz naked!
So Tim, here is my CV.
As you can see, I have plenty of experience
and plenty of qualifications.
Well, two,
if you count being able to put my leg
around mine and other people's heads.
I don't need that kind of barmaid.
I need someone with the enthusiasm
for the products. A good seller.
Well, I can do that.
Well, down this, then.
What kind of deranged alcoholic woman
can down a whole pint of lager in...?
(Burps)
Sorry. Was that yours?
I've got a right thirst on me.
(Burps) Sorry.
So sorry I'm late.
So are we both barmaids?
Both?
There's only one barmaid position available.
- I'll take it!
- Hold on!
I'm getting married. I need the money.
Jonny's chicken on a stick
is more important than your wedding.
Ooh, cat fight! Meow! Meow!
Well, will that help me get the job?
Cos I am really hard.
I have previously killed a very small
but very scary gorilla
and when I say gorilla,
I mean it was a spider.
When I say spider,
I mean it was a dream.
Look, I want to see how good you are
with the customers.
Getting them all happy and entertained.
I want to see your karaoke.
Ooh!
Well, there's no karaoke machine.
They got rid of it
when Janet wouldn't stop singing
My Heart Will Go On.
♪ And on ♪
Au contraire, mon cherie.
Yes.
Thank God for the Evel Knievel
accessory shop on Church Street
next to the snake shop.
All right, then, Runcorn,
get ready
for Gaz "The Sausage" Wilkinson.
You want exciting, dear?
I'll give you exciting.
Excitement's my middle name, people.
Oh, yes, it is.
(Motorbike engine revving)
Yeah, baby! Come on!
Oh, yeah!
Let's see how they like this in The Archer.
♪ Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes ♪
(Engine stops)
OK, Timothy Claypole, listen to this.
"Boris Johnson
was today being treated in hospital
"after a rare mosquito bit him."
A big black bug bit a big blond bugger
and made the big blond bugger
bleed blood.
Give me a job.
You're not even in the running for it.
It's between me and Janet.
Hold on. Where's Janet gone?
(# My Heart Will Go On)
Hello, Runcorn!
Ooh! Arthur, stop!
Arthur!
Oh, my God, she's a nut!
And you know what I always say.
One nut can't cut.
To cut one nut
one nut needs a nut cutter.
Unless one's King Canute
and King Canute can't cut one nut.
- Well, you never said that before.
- I know. I'm getting really good.
(Whistles) Arthur, tug it hard.
Go on! Oh, that's it.
(Clears throat)
♪ Every night in my dreams
♪ I see you, I feel you
♪ That is how I know you go on
♪ Near, far
♪ Do, do, do-dah
♪ And I know that my heart... ♪
Hey, I bet you've never seen
anything this exciting. Oh, bollocks!
(Glass smashes)
Well, Janet's gonna take some beating.
Oh, I think I can manage.
(Cheering)
- Where did you get that outfit from?
- What are you talking about?
I always wear this under my clothes. Hit it!
♪ A chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken
♪ Lay a little egg for me... ♪
Tss!
♪ Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken
♪ Ooh, I want one for me tea
♪ I haven't had an egg since Easter... ♪
That song doesn't go with the outfit.
♪ And now it's half past three
♪ So chick, chick
Chick, chick, chicken... ♪
Or that one!
♪ Lay a little egg for me ♪
No!
Tim, you've had a tart and a tyre
and some inappropriate poultry.
Even with my slight speech impediment,
I'm far more suitable for the job.
Slight speech impediment?
Sweetheart,
you sound like Flipper being fisted!
Fine. I'll be lowering my tone,
if anyone needs me
and I don't mean
hanging with rapscallions like you!
Look, you two have proven to be just
as talented as one another at karaoke.
By which I mean you're equally shit.
We both need the job.
There must be something else we can do.
Well, let's see. Do either of you
have any special skills?
- I kill gorillas in my dreams!
- Yeah, well, I can do this.
I'm never gonna be exciting.
Maybe I'll just give up now.
Gaz... You're almost a man.
I need to learn
how to speak in a man's voice.
I need to swallow something
that makes my throat sore.
Well, don't look at me.
My emissions are like a banana smoothie.
Hey, hey, is that exciting?
No!
Fine. I'll just eat fire or something.
Or get one of those
voice synthesising machines
that always seem
to come with a free wheelchair.
That's it.
I'll set fire to me knob.
No, no, Not again.
Although fire is exciting.
It's more exciting than a shark.
Oh, yeah!
(Phone rings)
(Janet) Alohal We're not here
but if we were,
we'd give you a Hawaii high-five.... oh.
"Hawaii?" I hear you ask.
Well, Hawaii-not? (Laughs)
(Phone beeps)
(Man) This is Mano Ventura from
the state of Hawaii's sheriff's office.
We're trying to reach Mrs Janet Keogh,
regarding your husband Jonny.
Our number is 001808...
Well, I can do this.
Yes. Well... I can do this.
Good work!
Well, I can do this.
Quite impressive but I can do this.
Whoa!
Well, I... I can do this.
What am I doing now? What's...? Oh!
Well, I can do this.
- I can speak six languages!
- Overruled. No, she can't.
How would you know?
Or in Czech... Gra-bla... zinski.
In that case, I speak seven languages.
Or in French... Euf-neuf-neuf-neuf-nuef.
Maybe you should have picked a language
nobody is likely to have encountered.
Euf-neuf-neuf-neuf-nuef.
God, you're fluent!
Girls, I've already made my decision.
(Man's voice) I am the god of hell fire.
Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?
I got Arthur to record anything
I'm likely to say onto this.
How often do you say,
"I am the god of hell fire"?
More often than you think. Watch this.
(Man's voice)
Janet, that tracksuit is unflattering.
Is that Arthur?
He needs to give up the fags.
(Man's voice)
That is correct. Now give me a job.
(Mimics voice) No!
All right, everyone,
if I could have your attention, please.
I've finally found a way
to be more exciting than Jonny.
Where are you gonna put those sticks, Gaz?
Oh, the tension mounts.
My bride-to-be is getting all turned on
by her exciting fiancé.
I'll lick you later.
No, I'm not. I'm just frightened that
we're gonna have another trip to A&E.
I sat on it, all right?
And how did you accidentally sit
on a can of Dr Pepper?
You'd be surprised.
(Man's voice) I have often had a can
of Dr Pepper removed from my anus.
Arthur insisted on that one himself.
Come on, then, Gaz.
What's this great feat?
Bet it's not as good
as Jonny jumping over a shark in Hawaii.
- Oh, yes,
- Oh, can I smell alcohol on your breath?
Yes. Yes, you can, yes.
I have a very good reason.
For I am going to eat fire, fire, fire.
I've also been drinking
a lot, a lot, a lot.
Who's got the job, Tim? Me or Janet?
(Louise) Or me?
Erm...
Well, I've decided to go with Janet.
You're overqualified, Donna,
and she pulled an egg
out of her mouth, an egg!
Thank you! Thank you!
I am going straight home
to phone Jonny.
We will have Nando's!
Oh, my God!
Check it out!
(Dance music plays)
(Man) ..55734. And we'd really appreciate it
if you'd return our call
as a matter of urgency.
Oh, they want me to fly out!
Oh.
Hello. I mean, hi y'all. Or howdy!
(American accent) This is Mrs Jonny Keogh
speaking all the way
from jolly old England, innit?
Yes, that's right.
Yes, so you want me to fly out?
That's brilliant!
Why wouldn't I take it well?
It's the trip of a lifetime!
It's great and white and shark!
Look, is Jonny with you?
Can you put him on, please?
Why not?
Well, that's not true.
That can't be true.
Why are you saying things
that aren't true, you big fat liar?
Say it again.
Sorry for calling you fat.
Here we go! Are you ready, people?
Oh, shiver!
Do you know what?
That really was very exciting!
(Man's voice) Hooray!
Eh? Finally!
Finally, I've not been upstaged
by Jonny bloody Keogh, Eh?
- All right, Janet?
- You're back.
Look, I don't care that you won.
I don't want to be a barmaid anyway.
I'm gonna release
Chick, Chick, Chick, Chick, Chicken
as a 12-inch drum'n'bass remix.
I don't want the job. You can have it.
Oh, thank god! In your face, Keogh!
Gaz, we can get married!
(They laugh)
Janet... Janet, what's wrong?
Er... Jonny died.
He jumped a shark
but he fell in the water.
It ate him.
Oh, great.
And white and shark.
(Man's voice)
Janet, that tracksuit is unflattering.
Sorry.
Look at 'em. They're gonna drop him.
I just need a hug.
Come on, babe.
- I don't want you getting too close to Janet.
- Donna, why?
You know why.
Ladies and gentleman, give it up
for the cast of Two Pints Of Lager!
Natalie Casey.
Will Mellor.
Sheridan Smith.
Kathryn Drysdale.
And Luke Gell.