Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 7, Episode 6 - Six Months Later - full transcript
Six months have passed and Louise is heavily pregnant,whilst claiming that it does not show. She finds out that,as Janet has been neglecting to open her post since Jonny's death,she has missed the letter informing her that she will be evicted for non-payment of rent. Louise tries to help by introducing Janet to Aidan,who has just robbed a post office but all he has to offer is a spit roast. Gaz is interested in buying Janet's house but Donna,who has aspirations and is going for a job interview to get her out of the Archer,wants something rather more up-market.
Can't keep a secret indeed.
Corinthian, they're not finding out
from me who your real father is.
Oh, my God! This is amazing!
I've got a son!
Oh, Janet!
Janet, I need to talk to you, right?
It's about Jonny.
I don't need to talk about Jonny
to keep his memory alive.
All I need is Corinthian, his son.
As long as I have him,
Jonny will always be
a part of our lives, won't he?
Yeah.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Morning! What a lovely day!
- You're cheerful.
- Yes, and why shouldn't I be?
Erm...
No reason.
(Coughs) Dead husband.
What?
Nothing.
(Coughs) Jonny dead. Big shark...
Louise, are you feeling OK?
Are you feeling OK?
Your husband's dead, Janet.
That's why you shouldn't be cheerful.
Oh, I must have, you know, forgot.
Do you know,
that is the first time in eight months
that Jonny hasn't been
the first thing on my mind.
You don't have to feel guilty, Janet,
about being happy.
- Really?
- Of course not.
It's good to have the old Janet back.
(Coughs) Heartless bitch.
Nasty cough you've got there.
You should see someone about that.
(Coughs) Like a vet.
Who's Yvette?
You're right.
From now on I am gonna be happy.
To the point of irritation.
Ba-ba-bah!
Anyway, it can't be eight months.
That'd make me nine months pregnant.
That's water retention.
Oh. Is there any reason why
you're hanging on to Lake Windermere?
- What are you doing?
- Sorting the mail.
Louise! Look at all this!
Oh, God, there's a red one!
I know. There's tons of them.
It's a pretty colour, isn't it?
I meant to ask.
What is a repossession order?
They're taking my house.
(Coughs) Give a shit!
So, bearing in mind
I've got to keep little Corinthian entertained
for the whole morning, I've got him...
Schindler's List.
Gaz, you can't let him watch that.
He's a baby.
It's got trains in it.
He loves trains. Choo, choo, choo!
Did you just say, "Jew, Jew, Jew"?
That's sick! I don't know
why you're making such a big deal.
You're just baby-sitting.
It's the first time Janet's
let me have him since... You know...
If I can prove I can look after him,
she'll let me have him more often.
Why would you wanna do that?
Because he's mine.
Ute. I love small people.
I'd baby-sit Ronnie Corbett
if he'd let me.
Not this again. How many restraining orders
has the little man got to send?
You've been reading my diary.
Whatever you do today don't call me.
I've got to keep the line free.
What if I've got an emergency?
Gaz, an erection is not an emergency.
Can be. It can explode.
I have ruined many a cardigan.
I'm serious! Any second now,
the nice man with the funny-shaped head
from the brewery is gonna ring
and ask to interview me
for the position of area manager.
Fine. No phone calls.
I'm telling you, Gaz.
That interview is my chance
to show my true management potential.
My chance to show
that I, Donna Wilkinson,
can be the female Ruth Badger.
- Let me know how you get on.
- OK.
No, I just need a nice story book.
No. No.
Oh. Definitely not.
Oh, here we are.
That's got little kitty cats in it.
"Death was a vague idea
but the pet cemetery was real."
- It's no good. He's still awake.
- Well, don't look at me.
- Why not?
- Cos I need to pick my nose.
(Corinthian cries)
Oh, yeah, great.
Now you've made him cry.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Does Baby wanna watch a little film
about Uncle Schindler?
Yeah! And the merciless persecution
of God's chosen people.
Yeah, does he?
(Corinthian cries)
I might as well face it,
I'm crap at looking after him.
Course you are, Gaz.
It's not like you're his real dad.
I am.
♪ Henry VIII I am ♪
Munch, why don't you take a long walk
off a short pier?
Well, for one, the nearest pier
is 40 mile away, in Prestatyn.
And for two,
that's more of a promenade, really...
I could do you a long walk
to a short pier.
Just go somewhere
and do summat dangerous.
OK. I'll go in the kitchen
and eat some glass.
OK, look... son.
I'm sorry I'm so crap at all this.
I just wanted to prove
I could look after you
so Janet would let us spend
more time together. We could bond
Dadda.
Do you mind? I'm talking.
Just guess
that's not gonna happen now, is it?
- What did you just say?
- Dadda.
Daddy? You called me daddy!
- You know who I am! Say it again.
- Dadda-dadda.
(Laughs) That's amazing! Do it again!
Dadda.
I can't believe it!
Do it again.
Take your time. No rush.
Hey, take your time.
See, now you're just pissing me about.
(Knock on door)
Yeah.
Sir, I hereby serve notice
on this property
to being repossession proceedings.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You what?
I'm here to take the house
and everything valuable in it.
I'm here to take the house.
You must be joking.
She's got a baby. You can't
just turf her out! I won't let you!
Oh, yeah? You and who else?
All right, mate?
Want some, do you?
Well, er... We can do this another time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'll give her another 24 hours.
Only fair.
How could they take my home?
I am gonna be on the streets
turning tricks!
Like one of those
dirty little street magicians.
Get over yourself.
You're so melodramatic.
You'll be homeless too.
(Gasps) Me?
I couldn't possibly perish in a back street
with my unborn baby inside me.
It's too Dickensian.
People will be devastated.
- Now you're getting it.
- That's it. I'll sort this out, Janet.
I'm gonna march down to
that Citizens Advice Bureau right now
and slip into the pub next door
and find a rich single man.
Oh, great.
You all right, Janet?
Erm... Actually, Donna,
I'm in a bit of trouble.
It's pretty embarrassing.
I'm your best friend.
It's my job to listen.
OK. Well, I'm having a bit of money trouble
and I know you've got a decent job...
(Mobile rings)
Shut your shitting face now!
Sorry. I'm expecting a call.
Hello, Donna Wilkinson. Pub landlady
and all-round marvel. It's me.
No, I don't want
to arrange a home visit.
Now piss off. I'm keeping the line free!
Yes, I love you too, Grandma.
Sorry. What were you saying?
- I need to sort my money out...
- (Mobile rings)
Shut it!
Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
I don't care how many erections
you've had, I'm not coming round.
Yes, I love you too, Grandad.
It's unbelievable.
Janet, guess what Corinthian did?
I'll clean it up later.
Good news. I've found
an answer to my money trouble.
Really? How?
I found this tub of money.
It was sitting there on the bar.
See! Someone is looking out for us.
Right.
I was so chuffed
I went shopping to celebrate.
Just a few essentials -
some food,
a new pair of tracksuit bottoms
and one semi-permanent tattoo
of my late husband.
Isn't that Kriss Akabusi?
No, it's Jonny! You remember Jonny.
Yes. I just don't remember him
being quite so... You know, black.
No. They did it over a bruise.
Oh, look, while you were out,
someone came round
to repossess your house.
You've got 24 hours. I'm sorry.
- What?
- Hey, it's OK.
Hey, hey, hey...
Oh, this'll cheer you up!
Guess what Corinthian called me?
Daddy!
No!
Oh, he's so screwed up
he's already forgotten who is real daddy is!
Oh, Corinthian, come on.
Please don't be mental.
Look, sit here.
Look, this is your real daddy. Look!
Say hello to Daddy. Hello!
Go, on, give him a kiss.
Go on, kiss him!
That should straighten him right out.
(Sobs) No, they can't take my home!
Janet, look, I'll take care of you.
Both of you. I swear.
- Oh, yeah? How?
- I'll buy the house with Donna.
What? Really?
Yeah. You two can stay in the spare room
and then we'll all be under one roof.
Happy, like...
Why would you wanna live
with a screaming baby?
Because I'm his father...
..'s best friend.
Thanks, Gaz. That is so sweet.
Now all I've got to do
is try and convince Donna
to move out
of that luxury apartment of mine.
What? And move out
of this dirty little shithole?
All right, then.
Well, that was well easy!
I've already found the new place.
You think I'd trust you
to find our next house?
Gaz, your idea of the perfect home
is a papier-mâché igloo
made out of porno magazines.
You've been reading my diary again.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll find one place each
and we'll see which is best.
- I've only got one bar on my signal.
- My place has got everything.
It's got floors, ceilings.
Ring!
Corinthian.
(Sighs) What a waste of time.
All morning I was out there
but did I find a rich single man
to clear Janet's debts?
It's Runcorn.
I'm gonna guess a big, burly, hairy no.
Actually, yes,
but I accidentally got off
with him myself.
Then I saw his shopping trolley.
Turns out he was just a tramp
with a tie on.
It's called a strap-on, sweetheart.
That's it, then. I'm going
to be sleeping in shop doorways.
(Gasps)
People might think
I'm one of those skanks
waiting for the unveiling of
Lily Allen's latest New Look collection.
- All right, girls!
- Get out, Aidan Thomas.
We don't want your sort in here.
You're a bully and a petty criminal.
And you're deeply unfashionable.
Oh, but I've just been paid.
What can I get you?
My God, where did you get all that?
We did over a post office
in Church Street.
- People got hurt.
- Really?
Yeah. Envelopes are sharp.
I got a really nasty paper cut.
So... rich, are we?
No, Aidan.
(Giggles)
Rich and stupid. It gets better.
Come with me, oaf!
It's got digital TV upstairs and down.
Electric curtains in all the bedrooms
and two en-suite bathrooms.
(Speaks gibberish)
Sorry?
I just said... (Speaks gibberish)
Look, any questions, give us a shout.
What a shithole!
I wouldn't rent this place out
to Chinese cockle pickers.
Gaz, what are you on about?
It's got three bedrooms,
a conservatory, a garden.
Did you not hear
the nya-nya-nya argument?
I wanna place with character.
A character we know.
A blonde character.
Big tits. That kind of place.
- Are you talking about Janet's?
- Exactly.
Exactly like Janet's.
You know, blonde, big-titted place.
Gaz, I would rather live
in a hippy commune
inside Debbie McGee's anal cavity.
- You've been reading it again!
- Oh, God!
Where's my phone? I've lost my phone!
Oh, my God!
What if he rings,
the man with the funny-shaped head
and I'm not there to answer it?
He'll give the interview
to somebody else!
Then I'll be on the career scrapheap
for the rest...
Oh, there it is.
Oh, he's still not rung!
Just ring,
man with funny-shaped head, ring!
Hang on. Damp.
We can't buy a place with damp.
Gaz, did you just lick the wall?
(Sniggers) No.
Then how come it smells of my vagina?
It's coming from the en-suite.
I'm not living here. Look.
It's got a magazine rack...
..for me Men's Health magazines.
You mean your porn.
That's what I said.
So what do you think?
So what do you reckon, Gaz?
- Shall we put an offer in?
- Eh?
Donna, wait. There's somewhere else
I need you to see.
Oh!
Your place was a death trap.
My knee's completely knackered.
Cos you kept booting the wall and crying
after you'd seen the bathroom.
Don't speak of the bathroom.
It's dead to me.
All right, Donna.
Prepare to see our new dream home.
Just get on with it, Gaz.
(Laughs)
Ta-da!
Gaz, I've already told you I won't live here.
But we know
what we're getting with this place.
Yes, a two-storey cesspool
with all the class and sophistication
of a used condom museum.
No offence, Janet.
None taken and I'll get rid
of the condom museum.
Or as Jonny used to all it, the floor.
What the hell is that?
I read that you're supposed
to bake bread and put fresh flowers out
but I couldn't do either
so I put some Mighty White in a vase.
Well, thanks for wasting my time.
I better get back to work.
Maybe they'll ring on the landline.
- Oh, and Gaz...
- Yes, love.
If you agree to buy this place
behind my back,
I will gauge your balls out
with a splintery spoon
and then insert them into your anus.
Then, if they fall out again,
I will take them,
ram them down your throat
and tie your larynx in a knot
so that you can't swallow them
and ingest their meaty goodness.
- OK, love.
- OK.
(Clears throat)
Well, that was promising.
It's over! My home!
I'm gonna lose everything!
Hey, hey, hey. You won't.
Hey, I'll make sure of it.
All this... You know,
it's made me realise.
I wanna protect you.
In a matey way, obviously!
Yes. Obviously!
Yeah. I know how to get Donna
to buy this place.
Right, and does it involve
house deeds, Rohypnol
and a pen covered in Superglue?
No... although that is better.
Wow, if I wasn't about to marry you off
to my penniless, ever-so-slightly
bat-shit mental best friend,
I'd have you myself.
Hold on a second.
I'm not looking for a wife.
If you want to be in Runcorn's Mafia,
you need someone by your side.
Look at that David bloke.
He wouldn't have got anywhere
without that dog on his arm.
Who? Beckham?
No, Blunkett!
You need a partner.
- Do you think so?
- Yeah, you slow lummox.
Why don't we pop round and see her?
Well, er... I was gonna...
I'm telling you,
she'd make the perfect criminal's wife.
Blonde, big tits,
slightly leathery skin.
And one enormous pre-lubricated cavity
for drug smuggling.
Exactly how enormous are we talking?
(Sobs)
Why is everything going wrong for me?
First, I lose my husband.
Now my house.
My life is one big disaster-type thing.
Even that metaphor went wrong!
(Keys rattle)
Oh, no! No, it's them.
No! You're not taking my home,
you big, evil, house-stealing...
Oh, I can't even do insults!
Janet, this is Aidan.
Oh, hello.
- He's going to be your new husband.
- What?
Oh, look at you two! You can't keep
your hands off each other!
♪ Anyone can fall in love
♪ That's not hard to do
♪ It isn't so clever... ♪
OK! This is getting a little weird.
I'll leave you love birds to it.
Sorry about her.
Don't be. It's fine.
So are you.
Oh, cheers.
Hmm, you're not so bad yourself.
(Clears throat)
Do you fancy a spit roast?
What?!
Oh, my God! You're an animal!
A pervert! How dare you!
Yes. All right, then.
Curse him.
Stupid man from the brewery
with the stupid-shaped head.
- He didn't ring about the interview then?
- It's not fair!
I'm management material.
I can motivate people.
Now I'm gonna be stuck in
this crappy pub for the rest of my life
with shit staff for shit money.
I thought you liked it here.
I thought we were friends.
Well, I'll just be out the back,
self-harming.
Yeah, masturbate all you want.
It doesn't matter any more.
Look, you see, if I can get Donna
to buy that house,
Janet won't get kicked out
and I can spend more time with my son.
..dance Film Festival DVD collection.
Here's what you do.
Tell Donna that Janet's place is built
on the site of an ancient gold mine.
Munch, she's not an idiot.
Hi. Can I have a word?
You can have five.
We're not buying Janet's house.
What if I was to tell you...
it was built on the site
of an ancient gold mine?
Then I'd tell you
that there'll be severe
structural problems to the foundations,
making the property both uninsurable
and uninhabitable.
Not to mention the fact
that the remarkable nature of said mine
would render any gold therein
property of the National Trust.
Did I say gold mine?
No, I meant...
ice-cream factory.
We're not buying that crappy house.
I might not have got the job
but we're not that desperate!
No. No. Donna, you're right.
We're not that desperate.
But Janet is.
They're repossessing her house.
You got 24 hours
till she loses everything.
- What?
- Yeah.
God.
I can't believe I'm actually saying this
but OK, fine, yeah.
We'll buy Janet's house.
Things can't get any shitter.
Oh, yes, I love you! Thank you!
Wow, that was exhilarating.
You might want to give it a rinse.
Wow!
You can't beat a good spit roast.
You really stuffed it in my mouth.
Sorry about that.
I get a bit carried away.
Don't be. It was lovely.
I like a man who can steal a pig.
Yeah? And you're a sweet girl.
Not like all them other slags I'm boning.
Aw, bless you!
What I'm trying to say is I'm glad
your mental mate brought me over.
I'm glad too.
It's just nice to meet someone
who's interested in me
and not just my money and my pigs.
Would it be OK if, erm... if I snogged you?
You got any condoms?
No, I can't afford any.
I'm completely skint.
I'm sure I can find some.
Oh. Ooh!
Sorry about this.
Maybe I should buy some.
No. I want you to blow your wad on me.
To our new dream home.
(Giggles)
We're gonna have some good times
in that place.
Oh, yes, the two of us
gathered around that blocked drain
shooing the crack dealers
out of the garden.
It's not that bad.
All it needs is a lick of paint.
No, Gaz. All it needs is a lick
of paint thinner and a dropped match.
Louise, guess what?
We're buying Janet's house.
No, you're not.
She's not selling any more.
I found her a rich man.
You what? She's got a new bloke?
Yes, which means we won't be needing
your hand-outs anymore.
Oh, free champagne!
I don't know
what you're looking so happy about.
How do you mean?
Well, if Janet has shacked up
with some fella,
she's not gonna want you there, is she,
playing the gooseberry.
Donna, when have I ever
played the gooseberry?
In all these years we've been friends
and you've been with Gaz
and Janet's been with Jonny
and I've been sat in a corner
crying to myself,
when have you ever known me to play...?
(Squeals)
I can't believe
she's found someone already.
What about Corinthian?
I'm not having some strange man
around my boy.
..strous wife's best friend's baby.
Munch, heel.
It is so kind of you
to lend me all this.
How can I ever repay you?
By repaying me.
Hmm. Old school.
Put the money down
and step away from the widow.
Louise, what are you doing?
Janet, you're vulnerable right now,
what, with your concrete husband
and your creepy tattoo.
There is nothing creepy
about my tattoo.
Wow! You were married to Kriss Akabusi?
What's he really like?
I was not married to Kriss Akabusi.
I was married to him.
You're quite weird.
Janet, the point is
you're a single mum now.
You have to get used
to looking after yourself.
Janet! Don't worry,
I'm here to look after you now.
What's wrong with you people?
Nothing. I... Oh...
Hey...
I don't know what your game is
but you'll never fill Jonny's shoes.
Mainly because we burnt him in 'em.
You're all a bunch of freaks!
Mmm, glass!
No, Aidan!
Donna! Donna, your phone's bubbling!
Shit!
(Phone rings)
The interviewer! It's him!
Hello, Donna Wilkinson. Yeah. Oh.
Really?
Well, cheers for letting me know.
OK.
Bad news, cheap shoes?
You know the man
with the funny-shaped head?
It turns out it was a brain tumour.
He died horribly.
Jesus, Mary and J-Lo!
But I got the interview.
That's the only reason he didn't call me
cos he was dying.
- Donna, that's awful!
- I know!
Does the man not have a secretary?
More champagne!
You lot, guess what?
I got the interview!
- Nice one, wife!
- Yeah. I'm really happy for you.
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm skint, Donna. I'm homeless.
I'm gonna be the Littlest Hobo.
Janet you won't be the Littlest Hobo.
That'll be Corinthian.
Oh, God!
This is great news.
Me and Donna, we've been talking.
And there's no way of saying this
without vomiting in my own mouth
but, Janet,
we would like to... buy your house.
What? Really?
Afraid so.
Oh, Donna!
That is best thing a friend could do!
Don't mention it.
I'm sure you and Corinthian and Louise
will be very, very happy in Gaz's flat.
What? What? You what?
I thought we could live together,
all of us.
You and me, Corinthian, Janet.
Louise.
Give or take Louise.
We're buying a house
not a dysfunctional family.
We can make one of those ourselves.
Right.
Oh, and Janet, I don't want you
to worry about paying rent.
Oh, thanks, Donna. That's really kind.
We'll set up a Direct Debit.
Saves me getting bailiffs involved.
To new beginnings!
- I miss this place.
- You should come and visit.
Yeah. You too. Whenever you want.
Night or day.
It's important
to remember the little things.
Yeah, you're right. All the smells.
Yeah. And the sounds.
And the feel.
And the eyes.
The arms.
And the lips.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Corinthian, they're not finding out
from me who your real father is.
Oh, my God! This is amazing!
I've got a son!
Oh, Janet!
Janet, I need to talk to you, right?
It's about Jonny.
I don't need to talk about Jonny
to keep his memory alive.
All I need is Corinthian, his son.
As long as I have him,
Jonny will always be
a part of our lives, won't he?
Yeah.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Morning! What a lovely day!
- You're cheerful.
- Yes, and why shouldn't I be?
Erm...
No reason.
(Coughs) Dead husband.
What?
Nothing.
(Coughs) Jonny dead. Big shark...
Louise, are you feeling OK?
Are you feeling OK?
Your husband's dead, Janet.
That's why you shouldn't be cheerful.
Oh, I must have, you know, forgot.
Do you know,
that is the first time in eight months
that Jonny hasn't been
the first thing on my mind.
You don't have to feel guilty, Janet,
about being happy.
- Really?
- Of course not.
It's good to have the old Janet back.
(Coughs) Heartless bitch.
Nasty cough you've got there.
You should see someone about that.
(Coughs) Like a vet.
Who's Yvette?
You're right.
From now on I am gonna be happy.
To the point of irritation.
Ba-ba-bah!
Anyway, it can't be eight months.
That'd make me nine months pregnant.
That's water retention.
Oh. Is there any reason why
you're hanging on to Lake Windermere?
- What are you doing?
- Sorting the mail.
Louise! Look at all this!
Oh, God, there's a red one!
I know. There's tons of them.
It's a pretty colour, isn't it?
I meant to ask.
What is a repossession order?
They're taking my house.
(Coughs) Give a shit!
So, bearing in mind
I've got to keep little Corinthian entertained
for the whole morning, I've got him...
Schindler's List.
Gaz, you can't let him watch that.
He's a baby.
It's got trains in it.
He loves trains. Choo, choo, choo!
Did you just say, "Jew, Jew, Jew"?
That's sick! I don't know
why you're making such a big deal.
You're just baby-sitting.
It's the first time Janet's
let me have him since... You know...
If I can prove I can look after him,
she'll let me have him more often.
Why would you wanna do that?
Because he's mine.
Ute. I love small people.
I'd baby-sit Ronnie Corbett
if he'd let me.
Not this again. How many restraining orders
has the little man got to send?
You've been reading my diary.
Whatever you do today don't call me.
I've got to keep the line free.
What if I've got an emergency?
Gaz, an erection is not an emergency.
Can be. It can explode.
I have ruined many a cardigan.
I'm serious! Any second now,
the nice man with the funny-shaped head
from the brewery is gonna ring
and ask to interview me
for the position of area manager.
Fine. No phone calls.
I'm telling you, Gaz.
That interview is my chance
to show my true management potential.
My chance to show
that I, Donna Wilkinson,
can be the female Ruth Badger.
- Let me know how you get on.
- OK.
No, I just need a nice story book.
No. No.
Oh. Definitely not.
Oh, here we are.
That's got little kitty cats in it.
"Death was a vague idea
but the pet cemetery was real."
- It's no good. He's still awake.
- Well, don't look at me.
- Why not?
- Cos I need to pick my nose.
(Corinthian cries)
Oh, yeah, great.
Now you've made him cry.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Does Baby wanna watch a little film
about Uncle Schindler?
Yeah! And the merciless persecution
of God's chosen people.
Yeah, does he?
(Corinthian cries)
I might as well face it,
I'm crap at looking after him.
Course you are, Gaz.
It's not like you're his real dad.
I am.
♪ Henry VIII I am ♪
Munch, why don't you take a long walk
off a short pier?
Well, for one, the nearest pier
is 40 mile away, in Prestatyn.
And for two,
that's more of a promenade, really...
I could do you a long walk
to a short pier.
Just go somewhere
and do summat dangerous.
OK. I'll go in the kitchen
and eat some glass.
OK, look... son.
I'm sorry I'm so crap at all this.
I just wanted to prove
I could look after you
so Janet would let us spend
more time together. We could bond
Dadda.
Do you mind? I'm talking.
Just guess
that's not gonna happen now, is it?
- What did you just say?
- Dadda.
Daddy? You called me daddy!
- You know who I am! Say it again.
- Dadda-dadda.
(Laughs) That's amazing! Do it again!
Dadda.
I can't believe it!
Do it again.
Take your time. No rush.
Hey, take your time.
See, now you're just pissing me about.
(Knock on door)
Yeah.
Sir, I hereby serve notice
on this property
to being repossession proceedings.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You what?
I'm here to take the house
and everything valuable in it.
I'm here to take the house.
You must be joking.
She's got a baby. You can't
just turf her out! I won't let you!
Oh, yeah? You and who else?
All right, mate?
Want some, do you?
Well, er... We can do this another time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'll give her another 24 hours.
Only fair.
How could they take my home?
I am gonna be on the streets
turning tricks!
Like one of those
dirty little street magicians.
Get over yourself.
You're so melodramatic.
You'll be homeless too.
(Gasps) Me?
I couldn't possibly perish in a back street
with my unborn baby inside me.
It's too Dickensian.
People will be devastated.
- Now you're getting it.
- That's it. I'll sort this out, Janet.
I'm gonna march down to
that Citizens Advice Bureau right now
and slip into the pub next door
and find a rich single man.
Oh, great.
You all right, Janet?
Erm... Actually, Donna,
I'm in a bit of trouble.
It's pretty embarrassing.
I'm your best friend.
It's my job to listen.
OK. Well, I'm having a bit of money trouble
and I know you've got a decent job...
(Mobile rings)
Shut your shitting face now!
Sorry. I'm expecting a call.
Hello, Donna Wilkinson. Pub landlady
and all-round marvel. It's me.
No, I don't want
to arrange a home visit.
Now piss off. I'm keeping the line free!
Yes, I love you too, Grandma.
Sorry. What were you saying?
- I need to sort my money out...
- (Mobile rings)
Shut it!
Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
I don't care how many erections
you've had, I'm not coming round.
Yes, I love you too, Grandad.
It's unbelievable.
Janet, guess what Corinthian did?
I'll clean it up later.
Good news. I've found
an answer to my money trouble.
Really? How?
I found this tub of money.
It was sitting there on the bar.
See! Someone is looking out for us.
Right.
I was so chuffed
I went shopping to celebrate.
Just a few essentials -
some food,
a new pair of tracksuit bottoms
and one semi-permanent tattoo
of my late husband.
Isn't that Kriss Akabusi?
No, it's Jonny! You remember Jonny.
Yes. I just don't remember him
being quite so... You know, black.
No. They did it over a bruise.
Oh, look, while you were out,
someone came round
to repossess your house.
You've got 24 hours. I'm sorry.
- What?
- Hey, it's OK.
Hey, hey, hey...
Oh, this'll cheer you up!
Guess what Corinthian called me?
Daddy!
No!
Oh, he's so screwed up
he's already forgotten who is real daddy is!
Oh, Corinthian, come on.
Please don't be mental.
Look, sit here.
Look, this is your real daddy. Look!
Say hello to Daddy. Hello!
Go, on, give him a kiss.
Go on, kiss him!
That should straighten him right out.
(Sobs) No, they can't take my home!
Janet, look, I'll take care of you.
Both of you. I swear.
- Oh, yeah? How?
- I'll buy the house with Donna.
What? Really?
Yeah. You two can stay in the spare room
and then we'll all be under one roof.
Happy, like...
Why would you wanna live
with a screaming baby?
Because I'm his father...
..'s best friend.
Thanks, Gaz. That is so sweet.
Now all I've got to do
is try and convince Donna
to move out
of that luxury apartment of mine.
What? And move out
of this dirty little shithole?
All right, then.
Well, that was well easy!
I've already found the new place.
You think I'd trust you
to find our next house?
Gaz, your idea of the perfect home
is a papier-mâché igloo
made out of porno magazines.
You've been reading my diary again.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll find one place each
and we'll see which is best.
- I've only got one bar on my signal.
- My place has got everything.
It's got floors, ceilings.
Ring!
Corinthian.
(Sighs) What a waste of time.
All morning I was out there
but did I find a rich single man
to clear Janet's debts?
It's Runcorn.
I'm gonna guess a big, burly, hairy no.
Actually, yes,
but I accidentally got off
with him myself.
Then I saw his shopping trolley.
Turns out he was just a tramp
with a tie on.
It's called a strap-on, sweetheart.
That's it, then. I'm going
to be sleeping in shop doorways.
(Gasps)
People might think
I'm one of those skanks
waiting for the unveiling of
Lily Allen's latest New Look collection.
- All right, girls!
- Get out, Aidan Thomas.
We don't want your sort in here.
You're a bully and a petty criminal.
And you're deeply unfashionable.
Oh, but I've just been paid.
What can I get you?
My God, where did you get all that?
We did over a post office
in Church Street.
- People got hurt.
- Really?
Yeah. Envelopes are sharp.
I got a really nasty paper cut.
So... rich, are we?
No, Aidan.
(Giggles)
Rich and stupid. It gets better.
Come with me, oaf!
It's got digital TV upstairs and down.
Electric curtains in all the bedrooms
and two en-suite bathrooms.
(Speaks gibberish)
Sorry?
I just said... (Speaks gibberish)
Look, any questions, give us a shout.
What a shithole!
I wouldn't rent this place out
to Chinese cockle pickers.
Gaz, what are you on about?
It's got three bedrooms,
a conservatory, a garden.
Did you not hear
the nya-nya-nya argument?
I wanna place with character.
A character we know.
A blonde character.
Big tits. That kind of place.
- Are you talking about Janet's?
- Exactly.
Exactly like Janet's.
You know, blonde, big-titted place.
Gaz, I would rather live
in a hippy commune
inside Debbie McGee's anal cavity.
- You've been reading it again!
- Oh, God!
Where's my phone? I've lost my phone!
Oh, my God!
What if he rings,
the man with the funny-shaped head
and I'm not there to answer it?
He'll give the interview
to somebody else!
Then I'll be on the career scrapheap
for the rest...
Oh, there it is.
Oh, he's still not rung!
Just ring,
man with funny-shaped head, ring!
Hang on. Damp.
We can't buy a place with damp.
Gaz, did you just lick the wall?
(Sniggers) No.
Then how come it smells of my vagina?
It's coming from the en-suite.
I'm not living here. Look.
It's got a magazine rack...
..for me Men's Health magazines.
You mean your porn.
That's what I said.
So what do you think?
So what do you reckon, Gaz?
- Shall we put an offer in?
- Eh?
Donna, wait. There's somewhere else
I need you to see.
Oh!
Your place was a death trap.
My knee's completely knackered.
Cos you kept booting the wall and crying
after you'd seen the bathroom.
Don't speak of the bathroom.
It's dead to me.
All right, Donna.
Prepare to see our new dream home.
Just get on with it, Gaz.
(Laughs)
Ta-da!
Gaz, I've already told you I won't live here.
But we know
what we're getting with this place.
Yes, a two-storey cesspool
with all the class and sophistication
of a used condom museum.
No offence, Janet.
None taken and I'll get rid
of the condom museum.
Or as Jonny used to all it, the floor.
What the hell is that?
I read that you're supposed
to bake bread and put fresh flowers out
but I couldn't do either
so I put some Mighty White in a vase.
Well, thanks for wasting my time.
I better get back to work.
Maybe they'll ring on the landline.
- Oh, and Gaz...
- Yes, love.
If you agree to buy this place
behind my back,
I will gauge your balls out
with a splintery spoon
and then insert them into your anus.
Then, if they fall out again,
I will take them,
ram them down your throat
and tie your larynx in a knot
so that you can't swallow them
and ingest their meaty goodness.
- OK, love.
- OK.
(Clears throat)
Well, that was promising.
It's over! My home!
I'm gonna lose everything!
Hey, hey, hey. You won't.
Hey, I'll make sure of it.
All this... You know,
it's made me realise.
I wanna protect you.
In a matey way, obviously!
Yes. Obviously!
Yeah. I know how to get Donna
to buy this place.
Right, and does it involve
house deeds, Rohypnol
and a pen covered in Superglue?
No... although that is better.
Wow, if I wasn't about to marry you off
to my penniless, ever-so-slightly
bat-shit mental best friend,
I'd have you myself.
Hold on a second.
I'm not looking for a wife.
If you want to be in Runcorn's Mafia,
you need someone by your side.
Look at that David bloke.
He wouldn't have got anywhere
without that dog on his arm.
Who? Beckham?
No, Blunkett!
You need a partner.
- Do you think so?
- Yeah, you slow lummox.
Why don't we pop round and see her?
Well, er... I was gonna...
I'm telling you,
she'd make the perfect criminal's wife.
Blonde, big tits,
slightly leathery skin.
And one enormous pre-lubricated cavity
for drug smuggling.
Exactly how enormous are we talking?
(Sobs)
Why is everything going wrong for me?
First, I lose my husband.
Now my house.
My life is one big disaster-type thing.
Even that metaphor went wrong!
(Keys rattle)
Oh, no! No, it's them.
No! You're not taking my home,
you big, evil, house-stealing...
Oh, I can't even do insults!
Janet, this is Aidan.
Oh, hello.
- He's going to be your new husband.
- What?
Oh, look at you two! You can't keep
your hands off each other!
♪ Anyone can fall in love
♪ That's not hard to do
♪ It isn't so clever... ♪
OK! This is getting a little weird.
I'll leave you love birds to it.
Sorry about her.
Don't be. It's fine.
So are you.
Oh, cheers.
Hmm, you're not so bad yourself.
(Clears throat)
Do you fancy a spit roast?
What?!
Oh, my God! You're an animal!
A pervert! How dare you!
Yes. All right, then.
Curse him.
Stupid man from the brewery
with the stupid-shaped head.
- He didn't ring about the interview then?
- It's not fair!
I'm management material.
I can motivate people.
Now I'm gonna be stuck in
this crappy pub for the rest of my life
with shit staff for shit money.
I thought you liked it here.
I thought we were friends.
Well, I'll just be out the back,
self-harming.
Yeah, masturbate all you want.
It doesn't matter any more.
Look, you see, if I can get Donna
to buy that house,
Janet won't get kicked out
and I can spend more time with my son.
..dance Film Festival DVD collection.
Here's what you do.
Tell Donna that Janet's place is built
on the site of an ancient gold mine.
Munch, she's not an idiot.
Hi. Can I have a word?
You can have five.
We're not buying Janet's house.
What if I was to tell you...
it was built on the site
of an ancient gold mine?
Then I'd tell you
that there'll be severe
structural problems to the foundations,
making the property both uninsurable
and uninhabitable.
Not to mention the fact
that the remarkable nature of said mine
would render any gold therein
property of the National Trust.
Did I say gold mine?
No, I meant...
ice-cream factory.
We're not buying that crappy house.
I might not have got the job
but we're not that desperate!
No. No. Donna, you're right.
We're not that desperate.
But Janet is.
They're repossessing her house.
You got 24 hours
till she loses everything.
- What?
- Yeah.
God.
I can't believe I'm actually saying this
but OK, fine, yeah.
We'll buy Janet's house.
Things can't get any shitter.
Oh, yes, I love you! Thank you!
Wow, that was exhilarating.
You might want to give it a rinse.
Wow!
You can't beat a good spit roast.
You really stuffed it in my mouth.
Sorry about that.
I get a bit carried away.
Don't be. It was lovely.
I like a man who can steal a pig.
Yeah? And you're a sweet girl.
Not like all them other slags I'm boning.
Aw, bless you!
What I'm trying to say is I'm glad
your mental mate brought me over.
I'm glad too.
It's just nice to meet someone
who's interested in me
and not just my money and my pigs.
Would it be OK if, erm... if I snogged you?
You got any condoms?
No, I can't afford any.
I'm completely skint.
I'm sure I can find some.
Oh. Ooh!
Sorry about this.
Maybe I should buy some.
No. I want you to blow your wad on me.
To our new dream home.
(Giggles)
We're gonna have some good times
in that place.
Oh, yes, the two of us
gathered around that blocked drain
shooing the crack dealers
out of the garden.
It's not that bad.
All it needs is a lick of paint.
No, Gaz. All it needs is a lick
of paint thinner and a dropped match.
Louise, guess what?
We're buying Janet's house.
No, you're not.
She's not selling any more.
I found her a rich man.
You what? She's got a new bloke?
Yes, which means we won't be needing
your hand-outs anymore.
Oh, free champagne!
I don't know
what you're looking so happy about.
How do you mean?
Well, if Janet has shacked up
with some fella,
she's not gonna want you there, is she,
playing the gooseberry.
Donna, when have I ever
played the gooseberry?
In all these years we've been friends
and you've been with Gaz
and Janet's been with Jonny
and I've been sat in a corner
crying to myself,
when have you ever known me to play...?
(Squeals)
I can't believe
she's found someone already.
What about Corinthian?
I'm not having some strange man
around my boy.
..strous wife's best friend's baby.
Munch, heel.
It is so kind of you
to lend me all this.
How can I ever repay you?
By repaying me.
Hmm. Old school.
Put the money down
and step away from the widow.
Louise, what are you doing?
Janet, you're vulnerable right now,
what, with your concrete husband
and your creepy tattoo.
There is nothing creepy
about my tattoo.
Wow! You were married to Kriss Akabusi?
What's he really like?
I was not married to Kriss Akabusi.
I was married to him.
You're quite weird.
Janet, the point is
you're a single mum now.
You have to get used
to looking after yourself.
Janet! Don't worry,
I'm here to look after you now.
What's wrong with you people?
Nothing. I... Oh...
Hey...
I don't know what your game is
but you'll never fill Jonny's shoes.
Mainly because we burnt him in 'em.
You're all a bunch of freaks!
Mmm, glass!
No, Aidan!
Donna! Donna, your phone's bubbling!
Shit!
(Phone rings)
The interviewer! It's him!
Hello, Donna Wilkinson. Yeah. Oh.
Really?
Well, cheers for letting me know.
OK.
Bad news, cheap shoes?
You know the man
with the funny-shaped head?
It turns out it was a brain tumour.
He died horribly.
Jesus, Mary and J-Lo!
But I got the interview.
That's the only reason he didn't call me
cos he was dying.
- Donna, that's awful!
- I know!
Does the man not have a secretary?
More champagne!
You lot, guess what?
I got the interview!
- Nice one, wife!
- Yeah. I'm really happy for you.
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm skint, Donna. I'm homeless.
I'm gonna be the Littlest Hobo.
Janet you won't be the Littlest Hobo.
That'll be Corinthian.
Oh, God!
This is great news.
Me and Donna, we've been talking.
And there's no way of saying this
without vomiting in my own mouth
but, Janet,
we would like to... buy your house.
What? Really?
Afraid so.
Oh, Donna!
That is best thing a friend could do!
Don't mention it.
I'm sure you and Corinthian and Louise
will be very, very happy in Gaz's flat.
What? What? You what?
I thought we could live together,
all of us.
You and me, Corinthian, Janet.
Louise.
Give or take Louise.
We're buying a house
not a dysfunctional family.
We can make one of those ourselves.
Right.
Oh, and Janet, I don't want you
to worry about paying rent.
Oh, thanks, Donna. That's really kind.
We'll set up a Direct Debit.
Saves me getting bailiffs involved.
To new beginnings!
- I miss this place.
- You should come and visit.
Yeah. You too. Whenever you want.
Night or day.
It's important
to remember the little things.
Yeah, you're right. All the smells.
Yeah. And the sounds.
And the feel.
And the eyes.
The arms.
And the lips.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass
with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪