Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 7 - Finger Sniffing - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

Oh! Bar manager's job going in The Archer.

God, I'd love a job. Wouldn't you love a job, Jonny?

(COOING)

- Sorry, Janet, were you talking to me?
- Never mind.

I can't believe we've created something
this beautiful.



I mean, look at us. We're completely hideous.

I know. It's a miracle, Jonny.

He is so worth the saggy tits
and the crepey stomach.

Thanks.

And the stretch marks
that make you look like a bald tiger...

- Yeah, that's enough, Jonny!
- What? It's a compliment.

Oh, really?
Well, then let me pay you a compliment.

You're a hateful wanker.

- What japes.
- What's up with you?

I only said I find you less physically attractive

since your body turned into
a relief map of the Pyrenees.

Great. Well, I'll show you.

I'm gonna go for that bar manager's job
and I'm gonna get it.

Not through qualifications or determination



but through the pure sexiness
of my womanly body.

Oh, look.

He's putting his little hands down his nappy.

And now he's sniffing his little fingers.

Wonder who he gets that from.

I don't believe this.

Another bloody job interview
ruined by those patriarchal misogynistic bastards.

I suppose you want to do the man-hating ritual.

Why, yes, Gaz. Yes, I do.

You're scum! Scum! Scum!

Thank you.

No, thank you. I deserve that.

There's a bloody glass ceiling
everywhere you look!

Yeah, well, why don't you apply
for this manager's job at The Archer?

You know what? Yeah, I think I will.

And this time, nothing is gonna stand in my way.

Fine.

I'm sorry.

Are you still upset over your low sperm count?
Well, look. I went to the doctors today.

And I got you some leaflets
on how to get the swimmers to synchronise.

I just want a baby so much.

And the thought of never being able to have them

makes you feel like
a patriarchal misogynistic bastard.

Do you even know what those words mean, Gaz?

No.

Hey, I'd be careful with that.

Don't do it naked, it could end up entangled.

Like a helicopter crashing into an elephant's ear.

What's up with you? You've lost all your spunk.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Keeping me testicles cool.

Ah, there's no need for that.
I've seen your testicles, they're already cool.

When have you seen my testicles?

I have people. They fax me photographs.
"Testes of the World."

I've got quite a collection actually.

You, Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Kathleen Turner...

But that's hush-hush.

Hey, what's that smell?

Oh, erm, I'm eating foods that are high in zinc.

- You know, like oysters.
- You can't afford oysters.

Well, no, no, no,
so bought myself a packet of crab sticks.

Oh, so that's what the smell is.

Thank God for that.
I thought me nastiness was back.

(COOING)

Pint?

Yeah, go on then.

You should see what Corinthian's doing.
It is so cute.

He keeps putting his hands down his pants

and then sniffing his finger...

I've just remembered I've got to do a thing.

Weirdo.

Kelly, I've come to apply for the position
of bar manager. Can I have a form?

Kelly, I've come to apply for the position
of bar manager. Can I have a...

Ooh! A form.

Kelly, I've come to apply for the position
of pint drinker. Can I have a pint, please?

What?

Oh, it's high in zinc.

Janet, he's picking his nose and eating it again.

Maybe he needs zinc, Jonny.

Qualifications.

Erm... Oh!

Ooh!

There, that should get the message across.

You people are revolting.

Okay, stay where you are.

How's your mum doing though?

Oh, you know, still needs a kidney.
Still moaning and seeing the Virgin Mary.

Still waiting for death's cruel grip
to tighten on the vestige of her existence.

Boring. I'm getting a new car. Yay!

What? Didn't even know you could drive.
How do you see over the steering wheel?

Of course I can drive.

I imagine.

Anyway, I'm thinking of getting
one of those new Beetles.

They speak to me in a way the old ones never did.

Discounting Herbie, obviously.

All right. So when are you gonna buy Herbie then?

I'm not buying the actual Herbie, no.

Apparently, he went bananas.

Do you think this one's bigger than that one?

Do you think that one might be jealous
of this one?

Oh, come on, cheer up.

No, I'm buying the new Beetle on credit.

Once Mum dies,
I'll pay it off with the death money.

Louise, you don't know she's gonna die.

Come on. Where's she gonna get a kidney from?

- Anyway, ciao.
- See you.

Oh, all right, kids. Don't move.

Janet, you know Corinthian?

I know of him, Jonny, yes.

- Those little things he does, his Corinthianisms.
- Yes, Jonny?

The sniffing of his fingers,
the eating of his nasal extractions,

constant juvenile tugging of his private parts.

Yes?

He's not got brown eyes like me either.

Look, Jonny, I'm sorry, I've got to go.
They're set perfectly.

It's Gaz.

Corinthian takes after Gaz.

How am I gonna put aside
my friendship with Janet?

I mean, I feel bad.
You know, 'cause she's a mate and that,

but I've got to focus completely
on getting this job.

I shagged her.

That bitch is going down! Yeah!

Thanks, Gaz. I'm gonna be as underhanded,
as sneaky as I can.

Nothing is gonna get in my way. Yeah!

(HIGH-PITCHED GROANING)

Oh, yeah. Won't be doing that again.

(GROANS)

- Did you manage to source any oysters?
- No, right...

but I thought to meself,
"Oysters, they have a shell."

- What else has a shell?
- Eggs.

And snails.

And sadly, there were no snails available,

so I thought,
"What's the nearest thing to a snail?"

A bucket of slugs?

Et voilà!

So, for dinner today, I had slug omelette.

Or, as I like to call it "Sluglet".

What did it taste of?

Well, a bit like, er... Well, like slug really.

- And then what happened?
- Well, then I vomited for four hours.

I think the eggs were bad.

Gaz, look. We'll talk later,
but I have a job to get. So...

Why won't they move!

Patriarchal misogynistic...

(MOCKING)

What are you doing here?

Gaz, I...

I've got something to tell you.

There you go.
I think you'll find everything's in order.

"I deserve this job because I am a sexy lady."

Ooh!

Don't worry, everybody lies on their CV.

All hail me! Come on, begin the hailing. Hail.

Pimp my ride.

Now, what would I like to drink?

What would the owner of a brand new Beetle
like to drink?

One Marc Bolan Special coming up.

You bought the car then?
Come on, let's go and have a look at it.

Oh, no need to move your pretty little feet...

Just stay where you're stood, Frodo.

I have pictures.

Oh, it's beautiful. But how did you afford it?

My inheritance of course.

So, as soon as the mother's kidney explodes,
or whatever. Yay, for me!

So you see,

it's only right that

he should be with his natural father.

How could he be mine?

Well, that's easy, Gaz.

Let's you and me
take a heartening stroll down memory lane

to the glorious night that you slept with my wife.

He's mine.

Yeah.

Is he mine?

Yeah.

- He's mine.
- Yes, Gaz, yours. Buggering yours!

Bloody buggering bastard yours! Do you get it?

Jonny, calm down. You'll wake him up.

See, you're already a better dad.

I'm always waking him up.

It's just so I can look at his eyes.

They're this gorgeous greeny-grey,
you know, like the ocean.

Or the infected wound of a gangrenous whore.

Jonny.

Jonny, listen to me.

I can't be Corinthian's dad.

My testicles aren't cool enough.

Yes, they are. Kelly showed me the photographs.

I mean, you're no Kathleen Turner,
but they're more than adequate.

Look, I know you're trying to make me feel better,
but, look, he's even got the same haircut as you.

Oh, he has, hasn't he?

(STAMMERING) So, you're giving him to me?

Yeah, it's too painful to keep him round me.

Cheers, mate.

I didn't get you anything.

Is there anything I can give you?
You know, in return, like?

Well,

I have always liked that T-shirt.

Oh, go on then.

- You look after it for me, won't you?
- Yeah, I will.

Yeah, don't boil wash it.

Don't spill any food on it.

Don't stretch it, will you?

And don't leave it on the bus and that.

Yeah. Same goes.

Make sure you iron it inside out as well.

Yeah, don't do that.

All right, young man.

Yes!

Right, we have to do something about that name.

Your name is now...

Bruce.

After me favourite action hero.

Fiona Bruce.

Well done on getting this far, all of you.

We never expected
such a high calibre of candidates.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh!

But we have to narrow it down
for the second round of interviews.

I'm afraid, Arthur, you didn't make it.

Come on, Arthur,
let's stick you down in the bar for a lie down.

Sorry, if I may just interject.

Sorry, if I may just...

(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh!

It hurts me to reveal this to you, but, er,
this woman is a druggie.

Yeah, she's a skank whore.

She is Lucy in the Sky with Drugs.

- What's going on?
- Oh, yes. Janet Keogh.

Or, as she's known round here, Janet Gak-Ho.

She loves a bit of Charlie.

Yeah, bit of the old Columbian marching powder,
a bit of snow.

No, I don't.

Well, I do like snow, but only
because I like watching old people fall over.

Well, I think you'll find these pictures
tell a very different story.

That's not me, that's Keith Richards.

Well, it looks like you.

Yes, because you've stuck a picture of my head
over the top of his!

Yes, these are quite obviously fakes.

I think someone's been taking you for a ride,
Miss Henshaw.

Ms.

Pardon?

Ms.

That's a funny noise.

You can call me anything you want.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh!

I prefer that noise.

KELLY: Arthur, I told you to grease it first.

Excuse me a moment.

That was sneaky, Donna Henshaw.
Why did you do that?

As my heroine says, "Dem bitches
that don't got it, don't deserve nothin'."

And I dare you to refute the words
of Lorraine Kelly.

Right, if you're employing
underhanded tricks like that

then I'm gonna underhanded trick you right back.

What have you got? What, you're gonna
tell him I'm single with no dependents

and therefore perfect to work as bar manager?
I'm really afraid.

No. I'm gonna show him how bad your temper is.

I'm gonna provoke and provoke you
until you burst into flames.

And then I'll professionally put you out
using a fire blanket.

And then I'll professionally perform CPR on you.

And then I'll go and watch
some old people fall over.

Because I like it!

Well, we'll begin the last interview this evening.

And, er, I think we're down to you two.

What happened to Kelly?

I just watched her perform
an unspeakable sexual act on Arthur.

Now I'm gonna watch it again.

I didn't think it'd be this hard.

I thought it'd be like giving up smoking
or killing a piglet.

But this is well difficult.

It's only been two hours and I'm dying.

What if Gaz moves away
and I never see Corinthian again?

I'm talking to an elf.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- What a day.
- I know, but I had no idea you could speak.

God!

(ELF SQUEAKS)

I think Donna's gonna get this job.

Not if the job is elf slayer.

What? No, no, I don't want to talk about it.

I just want a cuddle off my son, the only thing
that could possibly make me feel better.

Where is Corinthian?

He's out with his mates.

You know what kids are like these days.

Jonny, is he in his room?

He's in a room.

What's going on?

Oh, God. What have I done?

- I've given him to Gaz.
- What?

You just gave our baby to Gaz?
Well, go back and get him!

But he's the father.
His sperm's obviously stronger than mine.

And Corinthian puts his hand down his pants
and sniffs them like Gaz,

and he picks his nose like Gaz.

It's science, Janet. You can't argue with science.

Jonny.

That's not what being a dad's about.

Think about it. Who comforts him when he cries?

Who rubs Bonjela on his little gums
when he teethes?

Who soothes his colic?

Why, the good people
at Johnson & Johnson, of course.

- No, Jonny, you do.
- No, I don't. That shit's boring.

Okay, well, I do, but you're there.

You love him. He loves you.

He wakes up just to look at you.

You're the dad, Jonny.

But he's got the same eye colour as Gaz.

- No, he's got the same eye colour as me...
- And he's got the same taste in music.

Jonny, all babies love death metal.

Okay, look. Think about it like this.

- If me and Corinthian were both...
- On fire, who would I piss on first?

- No, I was gonna say...
- Corinthian. I need to piss on me son!

Janet! Somebody's stolen my car
and it wasn't insured.

- Oh, no. What are you gonna do?
- The only thing I can do.

Pray.

Oi, God! Where's my car?

And while you're up there,
what's with making Barrymore famous again?

Yes! Hello!

Hello.

(MOCK SNEEZING)

Yeah!

Being a dad's easy, ain't it?

(DOOR CLOSES)

I can't stand Janet Keogh.

If I ever see anything that so much as reminds me
of her ever again,

I swear I will kill, and I'm a trained killer. Yeah.

I could kill her with one finger if I stuck it
right in her brain and then I wiggled it about a bit.

You...

What's that?

It's a sheet.

What's under the sheet?

Ah, it's your birthday present.

It isn't my birthday for months.

I know, it's just...

(CORINTHIAN CRYING)

(IMITATING CRYING)

- Gaz, what's under there?
- It's just...

(CORINTHIAN CRYING)

(IMITATING CRYING)

Pardon?

I said...

(IMITATING CRYING)

(GURGLING)

Is that who I think it is?

Happy Birthday!

What's he doing here?

Jonny gave him to me for a T-shirt.

Gaz, I'm not gonna lose my temper

but if that baby isn't out of here when I get back,

I will make sure that you are never capable
of having kids of your own.

But I'm not capable of having kids of me own!

I'm not.

And what was your fetid offspring
doing in my house? Did he escape from his sty?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe he misheard me
when I told him to go and see a complete zitch.

Zitch isn't even a...

I'm not losing my temper.

Oh, Donna.

Donnary Donnary do-do.

Do you remember the time
when I slept with your boyfriend?

You're not gonna make me angry.

Can I give you a bit of advice?

Do what you want, Janet.

See, the thing is, Gaz told me
you're a bit of a bag of spuds in the bedroom.

- Right.
- So, two words.

Try moving.

He likes it.

I hate you, Janet Keogh.
But I'm not losing my temper.

Right, the second round of interviews
is a role playing exercise.

Donna, if you could be an awkward customer and,
Janet, if you could deal with her as best you can.

And, scene.

Good day, sir. I would like to complain.

I see.

And what is the nature of this complaint?

Is it the fact that your tits don't move?

Why, no.

'Tis because your child's hideous face
makes me feel sick.

You know that scene from The Fly?
Where Jeff Goldblum, as said fly,

vomits his fly juice onto that fella
and the fella's arm dissolves?

I am aware of the scene?

Well, that's what Corinthian looks like.

How may I obtain compensation for this?

You zitch!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(CRYING)

Why don't you shut up?

I fed you. Babies love chewing gum.

That's better, that's better.

(CRYING)

Oh, come on!

You've been burped, changed, fed.
I gave you a beer.

What do you want?

What do you want?

(CRYING)

You want your dad, don't you?

Yeah, and I miss me T-shirt.

- Ah! Let go!
- You let go!

I can't! I've got me hand
stuck in your very enormous hair!

If one of us doesn't let go,

then neither of us are gonna get the job.

You're right.

Thank you for listening to my complaint.

And thank you for your feedback, madam.

I suppose we've blown it, have we?

Not at all. Brawling is an integral part
of a bar manager's job.

Look, it's just obvious that I'm right for this job.
I'm better qualified.

I was the manager of a bakery once.

Yes, before you got up the duff.
Yeah, that's right. Janet Keogh, breeder!

- You have a family, Janet?
- Yeah, give it up, Janet. You've lost.

This puts a different slant on things.

A very different slant.

I'm single with no dependants.

Actually, we've found people with families
tend to stick around longer.

Career girls move on to bigger things
far more quickly.

Also, they spend half the time
sleeping with the customers.

Which leaves the customers less time
to spend their money.

You patriarchal misogynistic bastard!

How dare you imply that any woman
would subjugate herself in that manner

just because she worked behind a bar?

I'm feeling fruity. Anybody got a spare erection?

I'm a slave to him, what can I say?
Nothing beats a bit of Arthur.

So, Janet, if you're happy to take the job,
I guess we've found our candidate.

Well, that's it!

I am never setting foot in this pub again, never!

Good, 'cause I was going to bar you anyway.

Okay. All right, come on.

- Jonny.
- Gaz, I've made a terrible mistake.

I need him back.

That's what I was coming to tell you.

I love him. I can't stop thinking about him.

I get these, these butterflies for him.

See, he really likes them.

Plus, Janet sort of misses him too.

I can't be Bruce's father.

Who's Bruce?

I can't be Corinthian's dad.

I have a very low sperm count.

I'm firing blanks, Jonny.

Oh.

May never be able to have children, you know.
May never be able to start a family.

God.

You know, the worst... The worst thing is that's...

That's all I want

in the whole world.

Apart from the T-shirt back.

God. Gaz, I...

Look, I, I don't know what to say.

Other than...

'ave it!

- What?
- You big duffer. Who's the daddy?

Who is the daddy?

(YELLING) It's me!

- Jonny?
- Take that, Janet.

Take my superior load. Oh, yeah.

Come on, Corinthian, we're going home.

Suck my fully functioning balls.

- See you, Bruce.
- Oh, yeah, and here's your T-shirt back.

You boil washed it.

...and so I got the job.

I'm gonna be following in the footsteps
of Peggy Mitchell, Bet Lynch,

Kelly.

That is great.

You know what?
I have a feeling everything's gonna be okay.

Although, usually when I say that
something awful happens.

Janet, help me.

Ta-da.

My prayers went unanswered.

They found my car. It's a total write-off.

The worst thing is, the driver was killed.

Oh, God, Louise, that's awful.

I know, and the worst of the worst thing is,
he had two jolly nice kidneys.

Two and they're using them now on me mum.
She's gonna live.

That's brilliant news.

I'm 10 grand in debt. My life is finished.

Well, this calls for a celebration.

How do we usually celebrate?

Well, we used to have sex,
but that's out the window now.

What with my crepey stomach
and my bald tiger stretch marks.

No, I'll just look into your eyes.

Your beautiful greeny-grey eyes.

Oh, Jonny, that's lovely.

Like the infected wound of a gangrenous whore.

Get upstairs.