Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 8 - War, Hurrgh! - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

I'm gonna be the best bar manager ever.

I'm gonna have the sassiness of Bet Gilroy,
the sexiness of Angie Watts

and the dwarfism of Peggy Mitchell.

But my life is ruined.

How?



You go out to work,
I have no one to talk to all day.

It's lonely.

Sometimes the fat man with the glass eye

will come around and lick the front window,

but other than that, I have absolutely no company.

Well, you could get a job.

- Whore from hell.
- JANET: All right!

Well, you could hang round with Gaz.

Me and Gaz aren't the best of mates
at the moment.

He's taken some sort of offence

to me standing outside his bedroom window
every night this week, shouting,

"Suck my fully functioning balls!"

Yeah, well, you've hurt his feelings, haven't you?
You'll have to try and make it up with him.

(BABY COOING)



Maybe I could get Gaz something.

A present.

Something that says, "Sorry you're a big
Jaffa Cake and I'm a huge creamy Bourbon.

"Sorry I have a horn of plenty.

"Sorry I'm a mighty sperm whale."

- "Sorry that my cock runneth over."
- Yeah, all right, that's enough, Jonny.

Look, I think if he can't have kids,

then maybe you should get him something
he can take care of, like a plant or something.

Or a puppy. I could get him a puppy.

Yeah, or you could spend some more time
with Corinthian.

Yes, I think a puppy is just the ticket.

I'll be at the canal.

There's bound to be a sack of them lying around.

That's it. That's it.

I'm forgetting about having kids.
Definitely, it's over. I'm never having them.

That's what Gary Glitter said.

Well, anything that stops you picking
the lumpy bits out of your jizz

in the hope that it's super-strength,

is okay by me.

I'm meeting Jonny at lunchtime.
He's probably gonna gloat.

God, those two are so infuriating!

Hence...

Die, Janet!

You're still not speaking to her?

Well, she's asked me to the pub.
Probably to gloat,

'cause she got the job and I didn't.
They're such a pair of gloaters.

Probably gonna smile kindly at us

and offer us friendship.

Bastards!

Well, maybe she wants to make friends.

Oh, I'll make friends, yeah.

I'll make friends, all right. I'll friend her good!

That's nice.

I'm not normally a vindictive person,

but anybody could see
that I deserved the job more.

Well, she ruined my career,
so I'm gonna ruin hers.

When we stick...

(EXCLAIMING)

Damn you, Janet Keogh voodoo doll.

Damn you to hell!

Just like Peggy Mitchell.

(IMITATING PEGGY MITCHELL) Where's my Grant?

What the bloody hell is going on in my family?

Can't really do the voice.

Remember, Arthur, only four more goes on me
and you can claim your free peanuts. Eh?

There are gonna be some changes
around here, young lady.

First one being, you must cease all activity
that involves boning the elderly in the cellar.

- But, but...
- But me no buts, young lady!

I'm the manager here
and I want this place run properly.

All right, fine.

Come on, you pair!

They fought for our freedom, you know.

Right, well, that stops immediately.

Now, how else can I improve this place?

Well, you could sort out
that piss-soaked disease hole.

Or as the brewery like to call it, the kitchen.

We could start serving food!

People would travel from far and wide to eat here!

From Runcorn Bridge to... Runcorn's other bridge.

I could be just like Jamie Oliver.

(IMITATING JAMIE OLIVER) It'll be pukka.

Yeah, I can't really do that voice either.

Woof, woof! Hello, Gaz.

You all right? Come to gloat, have you?

I wish someone would look after me, woof!

If only a big, strong man would be my daddy.

You what? Oh, look! You got a little dog!

Why do you think I was speaking in that voice?

What voice?

Oh, look.

Hello. What's his name?

You name him.
Although, to me, he looks like a Colin.

He's for you.

Sorry, you're a big jaffa.

You what? Who do you think you are,
coming in here, judging my sperm, eh?

With some adorable, cute little dog

looking at me
with his cute, little puppy dog eyes. Hello!

(IN CHILDISH VOICE) Hello, Gaz.
How are you feeling today?

Well, thanks for asking. I'm feeling bark.

Rough.

Rough, Gaz. The joke is "rough".

'Cause "rough" is like a dog noise?

(IMITATING A DOG) Ruff!

Oh, yeah! I get it now, yeah.

That's not funny.

(IN CHILDISH VOICE) Please look after me, Gaz!

I don't want a dog.

Not looking after you either, Jonny, so stop asking.

Well, if you're sure...

Have you got a sack
and some bricks I could borrow?

Oi! Don't you dare! Come here, you.

Ah, see?

Not gonna let him or any other bigger dogs
pick on you, are we? No!

Yes.

Gonna take you to see Man City,
teach you how to ride a bike.

Dogs can't ride bikes.

Oi! Don't stifle his dreams!

Oh, look at you!
You're right, you know, he does look like a Colin.

(GIGGLING)

All right, Colin?
Well, you treat this place like your own.

After all, one day it'll all be yours. Go on.

All right, thanks for this, pal.

Yeah, this puppy's gonna be
the best looked-after child since Blanket Jackson.

Yeah, I'm gonna care for him
and cherish him and...

(DOG WHIMPERING)

Kill him?

Colin!

Oh, God! I mean...

(COCKNEY ACCENT) Cor blimey!

Oh, all these recipes are for fancy stuff
like "om-el-ette".

People round here don't want fancy cooking, Janet.
I mean, look at them.

They're old. They want dead simple food.

'Cause they're simple people who are nearly dead.

Yeah, other than us lot, the pub does
seem to have a pretty elderly bunch of locals.

Yeah, and dirty little bastards, the lot of them.

I'm up for a touch of the wrinkles.
Cellar, anybody?

No!

Look, a proper businessperson
would capitalise on this.

Right. I'm gonna make
this place old-person-friendly.

I'm going to please the grey pound.

I'm desperate for a pound of grey.

Come on, Arthur.

Ooh! Look at you!

Bar manager.

I know!

Now, look at me. Ooh!

I know the outfit's a little unorthodox
but it's essential for my new career.

I am 10 grand in debt,
I've got to start working for a living.

Mmm. That's very responsible.

So, what is this new career?

I'm going to whore out my booty.

Prostitution? Louise, you can't do that!

It's dangerous!

Dangerously sexy!

- It's illegal.
- Illegally sexy!

You could catch a disease.

Diseasely sexy!

And it looks like loads of fun.

Band of Gold, Pat Butcher, Jack the Ripper.

(NERVOUS GIGGLING)

Great comedies.

So, you're actually gonna have sex for money?

No, I'm not gonna be a sex prostitute!

Well, what other kind is there?

My plan is, I'll take the money off them,
and then I'll ask them about their wives.

Then they'll burst out crying
and they won't be able to get an erection.

It's foolproof.

How's your wives?

It's so funny when they cry!

Don't go upsetting my customers. They're old!

They fought for our freedom.

That's it!

I could turn the pub into a theme pub.

A war theme pub!

Who wouldn't wanna relive
the threat of Nazi occupation?

(HUMMING EXCITEDLY)

Peace, man!

(1940s MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Come on, boys! Time for a good old-fashioned
trenches sing-along. Are you ready?

Two, three, four!

♪ War
Huh!

♪ Good God, yeah
What is it good for?

ALL: # Absolutely nothing

Sing it again, come on now!

♪ War!
Whoo, yeah ♪

Oh, Donna, you've come!
I'm so pleased you're here.

Look at how well it's all going.
The old people love it.

What the hell happened here!
Have I just walked into Goodnight Sweetheart?

I've cashed in on the grey pound!

I'm a complete success.

And it's all thanks to you!

Oh, watch this.

(AIR RAID SIREN WAILING)

Air raid! Everyone under the table!

I do that once in a while.
It keeps them awake so they buy more beer.

How is this thanks to me?

Well, you know, if you hadn't been such
a lousy candidate for the job,

then I'd never have got to make
all my dreams come true!

- Aren't you happy for me?
- Ecstatic.

You haven't seen the best bit.

Kelly!

Hey, everyone! It's Hitler. Kick her ass!

(YELLING)

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
I'm so scared of the speedy old men.

I hope they don't catch me!

Yes. Come on, boys! Chase her to her bunker.

So, Donna, what can I get you?

You're insane.

- What?
- All this crap.

It's idiotic. I would never have done this.

- It works!
- It's stupid,

it's offensive and it isn't right for the pub.

Well, I think I know what's right for my pub.

You're just jealous 'cause I got
the job and you didn't.

- I'm not jealous.
- Yeah, you are.

Donna with no husband, no kids and no job.

Well, I've just...

(CLEARS THROAT) had an interview, erm, actually,

for a job that's way better

than being bar manager of Nazi Germany.

Oh, yeah, what as?

♪ War!

(SPITTING LOUDLY)

♪ What is it good for? ♪

Er, Health and Safety official.

Really?

And I don't think the council would appreciate
you cleaning that glass with your own sputum.

Well, I tried Kelly's, but it was black.

And if I get the job,

I'm afraid, Janet Keogh,
I may have to do a full inspection of your pub

and I might even have to close you down.

You'd have the authority to do that?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Oh! Well, this place is perfectly clean. You'll see.

Sieg heil!

That was German for "'ave it!"

Where is everyone?

Prostitute!

Prostitute available!

How much?

Ah.

You're not very attractive, are you?
So that will put the price up.

(EXCLAIMING) Beaded seat covers?
I don't think so, loser!

Drive on.

How did you get on cleaning Colin
off your dumbbells?

He was quite stainy.

Well, it just proves what I suspected.
I can't be a father.

I've tried and I've tried, and I'm just no good at it.

But it's your dream.

You think I don't know that?

You think I don't go into Mothercare
just to sniff Babygros?

You think I don't spend hours a day
staring at pictures of children?

Pardon?

I'm desperate, Jonny.

Just feels like

if I can't have a child,
then my life is just pointless.

You could always train to be a clown,
they hang around with kids.

Like that McDonald's fella.

Trevor McDonald.

If only there was some way of getting hold
of a kid that was born already.

You know, like one that didn't have any parents,

you just took him in
and fostered him as your own.

If only there was some form of adoption system
in this crazy world.

- Hold on a minute!
- Of course!

I think I missed a bit of Colin on me dumbbell.

I think it's his ear.

No, Gaz, there is an adoption system.

How do you think Woody Allen met his wife?

Hey, thanks for fitting me in at such short notice.

Oh, that's fine, Mr Wilkinson.

We're always keen
to encourage potential adopters.

Right, erm...

I'll have a little boy, please.

It's not quite that straightforward.

Well, you've not run out of stock, have you?

No, Mr Wilkinson, we don't
actually keep the children here.

(STAMMERING) Well, what's in that warehouse
behind your building?

That's B&Q.

I can see that!

Just thought it stood for Boys and...

Quirls.

Well, this is just a preliminary meeting
to ascertain your suitability.

Oh, got you. Yeah.

I'm dead suitable.

Okay. So,

what kind of environment would you
be able to offer a child?

Oh, well, I've got this great little flat.

(STAMMERING) It's only one room,
so I won't have to worry about losing the kid.

Unless he climbed into the oven
and shut the door behind him or something.

(CHUCKLING)

God, that'd be terrible!

Imagine if I cooked me baby!

Bit of parsley, bit of garlic.

Oh, I'll have a leg please!

(IMITATING GNAWING)

(LAUGHING)

I've got to tell Jonny that one later.

Right.

Do you mind me asking why
you want to adopt exactly?

I thought I had a son, right,

and he turned out to be Jonny's,
so I want one of my own now.

And do you have experience with children?

Well, I had a sort of son.

Yeah, Colin, but I killed him.

You killed your son?

Yeah.

With a dumbbell.

(SPUTTERING)

Jonny's fault.

I see.

And is this Jonny in the room now?

Don't think so.

Look, Mr Wilkinson, I'm afraid
I can't recommend you to adopt.

Huh?

But I brought Colin's ear for him
to play with and everything!

Woof, woof!

Help.

(IMITATING A DOG)

Yes, Janet, Health and Safety.

I'm so sorry but this pub is an abomination. Yeah.

Clean every inch of it with
a toothbrush on your hands and knees!

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(IMITATING JANET) Oh, Donna, why do I
have to be so rubbish when you're so brilliant?

Because you're a smug cow
and I'm gonna ruin your life!

Have I actually gone insane?

No, Donna, you're doing the right thing.

Oh, well, thank God you're here,
I thought I was going crackers.

(HUMMING)

Listen very carefully, I will say this only once.

We have a perfectly clean pub.

(LOUISE SIGHING)

God, that was terrifying!

Why? What's happened?

I've never seen such a huge parade
of inbreds since I visited Nuneaton.

And one big biffer threatened me

saying if I didn't get off her patch, she'd do me.

Must have been some sort of lezzer.

Could you imagine me having lesbian sex?

Yes.

Don't touch what you can't afford.

Come on, Louise, I'll buy you a drink.

Ew!

You punters are all the same.
Well, I'm far classier than that.

I need to be a high class callgirl instead.

I should be like Pretty Woman
and find meself a rich, rich Richard Gere.

Right.

This ho ain't turning tricks
for no scrubs no mo', mofo!

Ciao.

So, Janet, how's the pub?

Is it dusty?

No.

Oh.

So you got the job, then?

Yes, I did. And now you'll have to do everything
I say or I will close this place down.

But I've written you a list to help you.

(OH PRETTY WOMAN BY ROY ORBISON PLAYING)

Hello!

You look rich, so I thought you might
want to fall in love with me.

I'm a hooker.

With a heart of gold, you see.

So, let's go clothes shopping and you can
sit there laughing while I try on all the outfits.

Excuse me, madam, can I ask what you're doing?

Uhhh! I'm being a prostitute!

Come on, out!

But this is ridiculous!

As if this place isn't chock-full of slappers!

Fine! I'll go somewhere where
my whoring is appreciated.

KELLY: Right.

I've sorted out those rats and cockroaches.

They're all lovely and clean.

Now, shall I go and polish
that unexploded World War II bomb?

No, the bomb's clean enough.

Now, are you personally clean? Personally?

You know, down there?

Sweetheart, they haven't invented
a bleach strong enough.

Well, use your brain, woman!

Boil wash it and wrap it in clingfilm. Off you pop.

Janet, what's the point in cleaning?

As Oscar Wilde once remarked,

"Ooh!"

Jonny, Donna's gonna close this place down
if she finds anything unhygienic.

She's what?

How's she gonna close The Archer?

Well, her new Health and Safety job.
She's inspecting us.

She hasn't got a job.

That's why she's spending all her time
plotting her revenge against you!

Pardon?

I've said too much.

Sneaky bitch!

How could she try and ruin my livelihood?

Yeah, not only that,
but she's got a Janet voodoo doll.

Have I said too much?

Evil cow! How dare she!

Yeah, and when she orgasms
she makes a noise like this.

(YELPING)

Now I've definitely said too much.

She has asked for it!

Any luck getting a nipper yet?

No. The adoption woman said
I was completely unsuitable.

And then the police backed her up!

Well, I for one, am glad.

You what?

Well, I had an even better idea.

It's obvious I'm not the person
you should be talking to.

I'm a dick!

Then I hit upon a scheme so cunning, so clever,

it'll put all our previous genius exploits to shame.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you know how you are a bit of a...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) down there?

Well, yeah, that was the exact wording
on the letter from the hospital.

Well, it's obvious.
Use my baby-making, creamy goodness instead!

Pardon?

It's dead easy!

I'll shag Donna!

She'll love a ride on the old Jonny wagon, eh?

(GRUNTING LIKE A SEAL)

Eh?

Yes, Donna!

I've completed your list,

and I'd just love you to come
over here and make sure

the place adheres to your specifications. Okay.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(SINISTER LAUGHTER)

Yeah, your business is going down, Janet Keogh!

Donna!

I need your advice.

You're a prostitutologist, aren't you?

What with your mum being a whore.

My mum wasn't a prostitute,
she just had sex with men... for money.

But how does she do it? I mean,
I've been hooking all over this wretched town

and I've been thrown out of every bar, hotel,
synagogue.

Yeah, Louise, I've got bigger things to think about.

But why would they throw me out onto the street?

I mean, I'm completely scab-free!

Well, maybe, just maybe, Louise,

having somebody whoring out their body
on your premises is bad for business.

So, you just come with me.

(LAUGHING)

Janet, someone's written graffiti
in the men's loo saying, "Janet's crap."

Was it you?

Yes.

Janet, it's time for your inspection!

Now, Louise, just go and drum up
a bit of filthy business with Arthur.

Of course! This is too easy.

(GASPING) Janet!

There appears to be an unlicensed
brothel operating on your premises.

Oh, I don't care.

I beg your pardon?

Donna, tell me, am I contravening

regulation 149765642945454786B if I do this?

I'm confused.

I know the truth, Donna.

You're not really doing a Health and Safety
inspection, you're just trying to punish me.

I mean, God knows why.

Because this job was meant to be mine,
that's why!

How can you say that, Donna?

I got this job using my own skills.

I thought you'd be proud of me.

I'm not like you, I've got no qualifications.
I can't just get any job I want.

And now you...

You...

You're a bitch, Donna Henshaw.

A vicious bitch!

It's only because I'm jealous.

Jealous?

Of me?

I didn't realise. Tell me more.

I'm the one that's meant to be sorted.

I mean, your life's supposed to be shit.

My life's meant to be how you measure
your rubbish existence.

I mean, you're the one who married some
backwards idiot man that no one else would have.

And then you ended up
having a freaky-looking baby.

Corinthian looks like you drank heavily
during pregnancy.

What with the whole... thing,
you know what I mean.

What?

Can you forgive me?

Why don't you stay away from me and my family!

Look what you've gone and done.

Oh! Who do you think you're kidding?

GAZ: Say it again. Say it again!

(JONNY SCREAMING)

Go on! I'll slap you purple.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, hi there.

Sorry, do I know you?

Don't tell me they sent two of us
to inspect the same place?

Uh-oh.

Bloody head office, eh?

Yeah, bloody head office.

(STUTTERING) The amount of times I've turned up
to a brothel,

only to find that somebody's
been there before me.

We don't inspect brothels.

Oh.

More's the pity.

Anyway, I'll tell you what, Steve,

I'll go indoors,

and you, you can check the outdoors for...
moss and mildew.

And I, I think I saw a tramp lurking earlier.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Janet!

Janet. Janet, there's a Health and Safety!

Do you think I'm stupid, or something?

- What?
- You can't pull the same trick twice, Donna!

That's more stupid than Jonny giving money
to that pretend charity!

- Amnesty International, indeed!
- But...

I don't even wanna look at you right now,
Donna Henshaw.

Er, don't worry about this place,
it's all spick and span.

They even adhere to regulation 700J.

"Not to feed guinea fowl from a plastic trough
when farming?"

That is correct.

But this is a pub.

Oh, yes, it is, yeah. A nice, clean pub.

Hello, sailor!

Fancy a little fun? By "fun" I mean sex for money.

- (SHOUTING) Not the face!
- Come on!

You're dead! I'm gonna kill you!

You know what I think of
Health and shitting-Safety, Donna?

Look, here. Here's some cheese to attract the rats.

And look, here's some lager to attract slugs.

And I've already fed the guinea fowl from
a plastic trough. Ha!

Excuse me. Are you the manager here?

Yeah. Why, who the hell are you, bollock-face?

Steve Shaw, Health and Safety.

Oh, how lovely to meet you. I'm Mrs Keogh.

Welcome to my healthy and safe pub.

Janet, where am I sticking this bomb?

So, Mrs Keogh,

can you give me one good reason
why I shouldn't shut this place down?

(EASTENDERS DRUM-ROLL PLAYING)