Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 6 - Croppity Crops - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

I can't believe that happened.

Gaz walking in here demanding our baby.

I know.

It was a bit crazy, wasn't it?

No, Jonny, I'll tell you what was crazy.



What was crazy was you handing the baby over!

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

What possessed you?

I don't know.

I'd been watching Channel 4 the night before...

Don't you dare blame Derren Brown
for this, Jonny, don't you dare.

I'm sorry.

At least Gaz didn't get very far, though, huh?

Did he, eh? Rusky chops. No.

What if he comes back
dressed as a washerwoman?

Why would I let a washerwoman into the house?

Well, you let that one in.

Get out! We cannot afford your wares. Shoo!

You know what? You're right, Janet.
We got to stop letting people into this family.



From now on, it's us against the world.

Yes, we need to protect our family.
We could be like the Mafia.

Or those twins in the East End.

You know, Ronnie and... Ronnie.

The Two Ronnies.

You know, we don't need anybody else.

We can wash our own clothes.

And grow our own food.

I intend to become a farmer!
I'm going to start right now.

Goodbye, Janet!

Goodbye, Corinthian.

Goodbye from me
and goodbye from him. Goodbye.

Gaz, I don't need this. I've got a job interview.

Gaz, what did you expect?

How could you possibly think Jonny and Janet
would just hand over their first-born son?

Maybe I should've said, "Please."

I mean, how do we get over your selfishness?

Well, if it's just the need to reproduce,

have you thought about becoming a sperm donor?

Just think, you'd be getting paid
for attending a masturbatorium.

That's my dream job.

Who needs one baby?
This time next year, I could have thousands.

So, are you gonna do it?
Make a messy deposit down the wank bank.

Yeah. Thank you, Donna. Yeah.

- But this is a big sacrifice for you.
- No, it's fine.

No, what I mean is, if I'm paying all my sperm in
down at the Barclays,

there's gonna be none left to spend... all over you.

Well, I've thought about that, too,
and there is an answer.

Have you heard of tantric sex?

Yeah, it's the one where you go all night
without actually having an orgasm.

No, you go all night and it's one long orgasm.

Increasing in intensity, hour after hour.

Wave after wave of deep sexual pleasure.

(MUMBLING)

Takes a while to learn it, though.
You don't get there straightaway.

Oh, good. 'Cause just then when you were
describing it, I got there straightaway.

Pint of booze, please.

Whoa! You were gonna do it, weren't you?

You were gonna hand over a pint of booze
to a card-carrying recovering alcoholic.

It's 1:00 in the afternoon, love.
If I weren't serving alcoholics, I'd be out of a job.

And what if I were to ask you
for a big bag of heroin?

That'll knock you back a pony.

- Take it away!
- Shame, it's good shit.

Don't you realise what danger you're in
selling that stuff?

Some Colombian drugs baron might turn up
and wipe your ass!

Ah. I've got this as backup.

What if someone wrestles it off you?

I've got this as backup.

- Oh, my God.
- It's not loaded.

No, it's not loaded.

Donna, did you see that?
She just pointed a gun at me.

Well, that Kelly, she's a one.

I didn't realise what a dangerous world this is.

Since I began to recover from my alcoholism,

I came to see in a way, in a very real way,

I'm all alone, just me and...

the alcohol that I don't drink.

You know, it's times like this
you really need your friends.

You know, friends are the new family.

Donna!

That's, um, smashing, Lou,
but I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Forget it! Friends aren't the new family.

Family is the new family.

And I'm going to find a new family
and be friends with it.

Yeah, good luck with that. Yeah.

So, where's Gaz?

Too scared to face me?

Too humbled
by my awesome family-protecting power?

No, he's just had to nip to the bank.

Would he manage a pint?

I'd be very impressed if he did.

- What?
- He's at the sperm bank, Jonny.

Hey, it's £15 a pop. You should give it a go.

I would, but... Janet's got a thing
about me masturbating for money

ever since that incident at the garden centre.

- What incident?
- Well, it's a long story.

A man gave me money to masturbate.

Actually, it's a short story.

Anyway, I'd best get back to work.

- I'm sorry. Back to what?
- Work.

- I've got a job.
- What?

Bloody hell, Jonny! Well, congratulations. As what?

A farmer.

I decided the best way to provide for the family
was to grow everything we need.

Given me a whole new perspective... Hold on.

It's given me a whole new perspective on life.

And what are you growing?

Mainly crops.

What kind of crops?

All kinds.

Leafy crops.

Wheaty crops.

Croppity crops.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(GASPING)

- Who is it?
- It's me, Louise.

Prove it!

- What?
- How do I know you're not Gaz?

Do I sound like Gaz?

You might be on helium.

You might have come to steal Corinthian again.

Put your fingers in the letterbox.

Why?

So I can sniff them.

Gaz's fingers have a very
specific and unique aroma.

Of Gaz's bollocks.

Just taking a few sensible precautions.

You probably think it's a bit extreme.

I don't actually. It's nice to feel safe.

I've just had a gun pointed at me.

Oh, that Kelly.

She's a one.

And Jonny and Donna weren't interested.

You're all I've got, Janet.

The only one who really cares.

- Oh, Lou.
- You've got such a wonderful life here.

You're right to be protective.

Oh, but we do try and be
as warm and as welcoming as we can.

As far as I'm concerned,
you can be a part of our family.

Take your thieving hands off my baby!

I mean, would you like a fig biscuit?

Morning. Is this the sperm bank?

We're a fertility clinic, sir.

Could you just say it's a sperm bank, though?

- It's a sperm bank.
- Well, then, I'd like to open an account.

- Fill this in.
- All right.

Oh, it's just like a real bank, innit? Look!

I heard you were looking for sperm donors
so I came as quickly as I could.

Beats keeping it all under the mattress, eh, love?

Any more?

No, that's it.

Okay. So what happens next?

Fill this up.

Yeah. I heard there were magazines?

That's correct.

We've got Hello! and People's Friend
for the easily aroused.

Razzle and Penthouse for the mainstream.

Eskimo Housewives and Deaf Lesbians
for the specialist market.

Sir?

You had me at Hello!

I'm gonna get a guard dog.
That should keep Gaz away.

Oh, no. Not a guard dog. A guard sheep.

Well, don't worry about Gaz 'cause
once we're having tantric sex all night,

he shall be, as the Hindu mystics say,

shagged out.

Good.

I didn't realise how obsessed he was
with having kids.

- Yes, well you should've done.
- Well, it's true.

All the classic signs were there.
The holes in the condoms,

the fake contraceptive tablets.

The ice cube tray full of semen
at the back of the freezer compartment.

- Lovely.
- Yep, that was one margarita that didn't need salt.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Jonny's home! Positions, Janet.

Perform the secret knock.

Being part of this family is so exciting.

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING CONTINUING)

(BELL TINKLING)

- It's Jonny.
- You're insane.

No, we're not.

Is this a carrot in my pocket
or do I have a misshapen orange penis?

- Which?
- Both.

Oh! Well done, Jonny.

And I'm glad you're here to see it,
Miss "I don't believe you're a farmer"

and "I have little faith
in your ability to grow croppity crops".

- You've grown that today, have you?
- Yep.

Well, yes, Jonny, clearly I was wrong to doubt you.

Yes, you were. Well done, Jonny.

Such a wonderful family, aren't they?

You're insane. The lot of you.

Well, that's what you say.
I say, "Eat my carrot!" Go on, eat it!

Gaz? Gaz, are you awake?

Of course I'm awake!
We're having sexual intercourse.

Right, sorry.

Are you experiencing wave after wave
of intense sexual pleasure?

Not so much, really. No.

Are you?

(SIGHING) Oh, not yet.

You know, there was summat
about half an hour ago,

but I think that was pins and needles.

- Should we knock it on the head?
- No, that would well hurt.

But, it's been hours and hours.

We should at least try moving around a bit.

Ah, let's give it another 10 minutes.

If nothing happens,
I'll stick me finger up your arse.

How will I know it's been 10 minutes?

Oh, you'll know.

- There's your cider.
- Thank ye.

What-ye? And what's with the swedes?

I know. They're a crazy nation and no mistake.

Look, Jonny,
get these root vegetables out of my pub.

They won't be here long.
Not once word gets round of what I'm doing.

- Oh, yeah? And what are you doing?
- Farmers' market.

I've become completely self-sufficient.

Like that... that guy off the telly.

In the 70s, curly hair,
spent all his time in his back garden.

- Fred West.
- That's the one.

That'll be £2 for the cider, please.

- I haven't got any cash.
- We take cheques.

- I haven't got a cheque.
- Debit card, Switch, luncheon vouchers?

Stamps, gold ingots, Vietnamese Dongs, Euros,

non-negotiable bearer bonds?

I'll gladly give you this leek.

- Right. Out!
- No, I'm bartering.

I offer you a leek, you demand a turnip.

We haggle for a while,
then you settle on an aubergine.

Are you prepared to settle on an aubergine?

Jonny, people do not come to this pub
to swap veg.

They come for the drink and for the crack.

And I sell them drink. And crack.

Now, get out!

Yes. Hello, police? It's Janet Keogh.

We're all still fine.

Okay. I'll call you again in an hour. Thanks.

- Sorry about that, Donna.
- Anyway...

it was the most boring night of my life.

For the first three hours,
we just sat on the floor staring at each other.

Or rather, I stared at Gaz staring at my tits.

I got so bored, I started squeezing them together
to make him go cross-eyed.

Look, you need to make more effort, Donna,

to keep him happy and
keep his smelly fingers off my family.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

What's the secret knock, Jonny?

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hello!
- Hello.

Yeah, we need to change the secret knock.
I reckon the washerwoman's cracked it.

Look, I've told you. We cannot afford your wares.
Now, shoo!

You're insane. I'm off to seduce Gaz.
Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Louise, isn't it about time you were leaving?

Oh, no, I'm staying all day.

We've made chocolate cornflakes,
haven't we, Janet?

Yes. And don't they look delicious?

Can I lick the bowl, please? Can I?

She's lonely. I'm just helping her out.

And she's a useful person to have round.

How?

- Because if Gaz comes back!
- I can get him in a headlock...

while Janet punches him repeatedly in the face.

That's lovely.

Gaz! I've brought some whipped cream and
some whipped caramel and some whips.

(ASIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

And I'm going out with a woman.

(SPEAKING SOOTHINGLY) I know you're afraid.
It's all right to be afraid. Embrace your fear.

I'm not afraid, Gaz, I'm frustrated.
Very, very frustrated.

It's all right to be frustrated.

Embrace your frustration.

I'd rather embrace something else.

And here's a clue as to what that might be.

Your cock.

I'm sorry, life partner,
my righteous seed is all going to the bank.

They take all your details, you know,
so they can track you down.

I hope that in 18 years from now,
some fine man or woman

will turn up on my doorstep and call me Dad.

Well, that's very nice.

He'll want to know the story
of how he came into the world.

So I took this video to show him.

- Ah...
- And there's the money.

Don't be ashamed, Donna.
The vital force is within us all.

Well, put some in me, then! Come on, Gaz.

A good old-fashioned seeing to.
Like the old days, remember?

When we used to race
against the Countdown clock, eh?

(IMITATING COUNTDOWN CLOCK)

True fulfilment lies in stillness and time.

One cannot attain true karmic balance
unless you're prepared to wait.

Have you been reading up on this?

(HUMMING)

Oh, God.

Do we have to do this?
Those crops won't crop themselves.

Yes, we do.
You've hardly any photos of the family.

Yes. And it'll be handy for the newspapers
if one of us gets snatched.

That's lovely. Both move in a bit.

Nice smiles!

Beautiful.

Um...

Louise, can we have one of just the family now?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Hope you don't mind.
- Of course not.

Ready. And...

That's more like it.

- Louise is here a lot these days, isn't she?
- I suppose so.

And that's brilliant. I love Louise.

But on the other hand, I really hate her.

So can you send her home now?

Look, I told you before.
She needs her friends round her.

- Can I stay here tonight, Janet?
- No.

Oh, please.
I'm so bored of visiting my comatose mother

whacked out on painkillers all day.

You're a farmer,
you know what it's like tending vegetables.

Still no.

And Gaz might come round in the night
and steal the baby.

- Of course you can stay, Louise.
- Thanks, Mum.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Did you just call her "Mum"?

Don't be silly. Why would I do that?

Now then, Louise. Who wants
to go and help and reset the mantraps?

- Me! Me! Me!
- Come on.

Listen, Louise, I don't know what psychological
problem you've got, but Janet is not your mum.

She's mine! And don't you forget it.

Morning, Janice. The usual beaker, please, love.

Magazine?

Got the new Razzle in this morning.
You can have first splash.

Thank you. No.

I don't need magazines.
My vital energies can flow by themselves.

Go in peace.

You look exhausted.

Well, so would you if you'd been up all night.

Oh, the seduction techniques work, then?

- Bet he was an animal after all this time.
- Yes, a panda.

He just sat there for eight hours,
impaled like a static kebab.

And still no orgasm?

Well, not till well after he'd left.

Look, just keep him happy, Donna.
Don't let him get restless.

You're not still stressed over him
claiming the baby, are you?

No, he did us a favour actually.

He's brought us a lot closer together as a family.

Well, if you say so. But I am worried about you.

Why?

Because you seem to have replaced your baby
with some kind of root vegetable.

It's a swede.

Yeah. Can you see how
that's slightly unusual behaviour?

It's a decoy.

If Gaz returns to snatch him,

all he'll get is this swede
and Corinthian is quite safe.

- Where is he?
- Louise!

Right, that's it. You've gone barmy.

You've gone too far into Geri Halliwell land, Janet.
You've got to get out of this house.

Oh, that's your plan, is it?

And I suppose Gaz is waiting outside
behind the wall ready to jump out...

Gaz isn't waiting anywhere.
Look, you've said the baby's safe here with Louise.

Just come for a drink.
It's what normal, non-crazy parents do.

All right. Louise!

Lock the door behind me!
If I'm not back in an hour, call the police!

And if Gaz comes back, remember the drill.

- Have you been practising?
- No, I bought a drill.

Mr Wilkinson?

- Are you all right in there?
- Yeah.

Um, are you nearly finished?

(STRAINING) I'm getting there.

It's just that you've been in there six hours.

We're about to lock up.

Yeah, just... just five more minutes.

I'm sorry, Donna,
but I really think I should be at home.

What, you think you've got problems?
My boyfriend refuses to have proper sex with me.

I can do you some powdered rhino horn
for 20 quid.

Look, are you sure Corinthian
is gonna be all right back there?

Corinthian is perfectly safe.
No one's gonna steal him.

Not Gaz, not me, not the washerwoman.

Look, we can't afford your wares. Now, shoo. Shoo!

Stop worrying about kidnapping.

How can I, Donna? Babies get stolen all the time!

You hear about it, in films.

Janet, if someone's gonna steal your baby,
they don't just walk in your house and ask for it.

That's the stupid thing to do.
That's the Gaz thing to do.

So what would happen?

Well, it'd most likely be a woman.
Somebody lonely.

Someone without a family of her own.
And she wouldn't just barge in, no.

She'd act like a friend,
she would get under the radar.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I've been blind.
All this time I've been frightened of Gaz

when the real danger was sat next to me
eating chocolate cornflakes!

(CRUNCHING)

Not her.

- Louise, don't you see?
- What are you talking about?

Kelly!

I need you to get something for me.

♪ Together forever and never to part

♪ Together forever, we two

(IN MASCULINE VOICE) # And don't you know
I would move heaven and earth

♪ To be together forever with you ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

Janet! Guess what I milked?

Oh. You're still here.

Of course I am. I live here.

Louise, I want you out.

I'm not so sure about that, Jonny.
Perhaps we should talk about your farming first.

What about it?

Very good at growing vegetables,
aren't you, Jonny?

I know my onions.

Bringing home swedes, watermelons. A coconut.

Janet must be very proud.

It'd be a shame if she saw this.

(GASPING)

Can't believe you'd keep a receipt for one carrot.

Damn VAT returns!

So I'm afraid I'll be staying
until Janet asks me to leave,

and I can't see that happening, can you?

Get out of my house!

You had me for a while,
but I know your little game and it's over.

Janet, I'm so sorry.

It was only a few sneaky trips
to the greengrocer's.

Not you. Her.

Oh, right. Guess what I milked!

You don't scare me, Janet. You wouldn't hurt me.

That gun's not even loaded.

Oh, yeah? Then how come it can do this?

(CLICKING)

Nice one, Kelly.

(GUNSHOT)

I'm sorry, Janet. I didn't do anything.
But I'm sorry and I'll never do it again.

Jonny, you can have your mum back.

(SCREAMING)

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(CORINTHIAN CRYING)

Shush, Corinthian.

Oh, Jonny. What have I become?

A mental bitch.

I was only trying to make our lives better.

Janet, you can't make this family
any better than it is.

Because we're perfect already?

No, because we're shit.

We keep trying to improve ourselves
and it never works.

Let's just enjoy the shit.

What if someone tries
to break up our family again?

That's the beauty of it.

The crappier we are, the less likely
anyone is to be jealous of us.

Our feebleness makes us stronger.

Jonny, that's almost intelligent.

Now tell me what you've milked.

Well, I said we'd become self-sufficient
and we have.

Janet...

I milked myself.

- That's it. It's all over for me and tantric sex.
- What?

I've been in that wank tank all day
and not one ounce of cock snot.

- Gaz...
- I want me old life back.

Come on, let's do it. No foreplay, no cuddling.
I want nought to sticky in 10 seconds.

- Gaz...
- Well, we have to.

Otherwise the sperm bank's
gonna close me account.

Well, they're gonna close it anyway.

What?

Well, they sent you this letter today
and I opened it, as I do all your post.

Oh! Britannia sent you
the Best of Ella Fitzgerald by the way.

The sperm bank tested
the first sample that you gave,

and it turns out that you're...

Firing blanks?

Firing blanks!

You wouldn't think they'd use that phrase
in a formal letter.

All them future Gazzies. Never to be born, eh?

All that time I've wasted
when I could've been banging you rigid.

Gaz, I'm so sorry.

Well, at least they don't want the money back, eh?

Well, there's a PS on the back.