Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 4 - Cauliflower - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

- You look pretty.
- Oh, thanks, Kelly.

(SIGHS)

How could Louise's dad mistake me for a gay?

How dare he lust after my undelved sphincter
like an illicit bird of prey?

Me. The most macho of men
in all of Runcorn town.



(SIGHS)

Maybe it's your clothes.

Oh, I... It's Janet's.

The polycotton blend feels like angels
dry humping my skin.

Or maybe it's the way you talk.

I'm always talking about manly stuff.

Only the other day I commented
on the dinkiness of the Fiat Cinquecento.

Well, maybe, just maybe,
you're the tiniest bit effeminate.

Moi?

Well, I've never been so insulted.
I'm aggrieved, Gaz. Aggrieved!

Oh, how gay am I?

- What am I gonna do?
- Ah, don't worry about it, man.

You're married with a kid like Tom Cruise.
No one's gonna think you're gay.

It's time to masculine-up a bit.



From now on it's macho all the way.
I'm gonna be the meanest bitch on the block.

So, bro...

what's happening with... Yo.

Urban.

Well, I've been basically contemplating suicide
since Donna walked out on our wedding ceremony.

Oh, because it was, umm, wank.

No, it was marvellous. We had cauliflower
and everything. What more could a woman want?

Well, maybe you should try doing something
a bit smaller to celebrate your relationship.

Yeah, we...
We could have a... We could have a baby together.

That's small. That's only, like, four inches long.

Who's Mummy's little ba-ba? Who is it?

Who's a big strong boy?

Peek-a-boo! There he is.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Yes, he is.

You're like a doormat to that baby and Jonny.

You're about to say "Yes, he is" again, aren't you?

(BABY VOICE) Yes, I was.

You need to take back control.

I'm quite happy looking after my husband
and smothering my baby.

With love, obviously.

I mean, sometimes I do feel a little caged in.

A little like a badger stuck in a mantrap

that one day breaks free
and rips out the throat of its cruel captor,

whose name is coincidentally Jonny.

Well, then do something about it.
Stop being pushed around.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

From now on, I will do the pushing.

Practising.

Hey, have you seen this?
Says that the pill can cause side-effects.

Everyone knows that.

(BABY VOICE) Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

Sorry, Donna.

It exaggerates everything bad
about being a woman.

It can cause thrombosis.
It can give you mood swings.

It can make you enjoy the music of Dido.

Also, it says it makes you put on weight.

And there's no way on God's earth
I'm going over a size eight.

I've refused far too much mayonnaise for that.

Right, I'm coming off these buggers immediately.

But... Are you sure?

(BABY VOICE) Are you sure? Are you sure?

Sorry.

What are you going to use instead? I mean,
all the methods have the same effects, don't they?

- Except one.
- Pulling out?

No. That one's not effective, is it, Janet Keogh?

Umm, the rhythm method?

No. That's one's not effective.
Is it, Catholics of the Republic of Ireland?

- Then what?
- Well, condoms obviously.

But, men don't like them,
from watching them put them on.

Poor things.

They think you're laughing at their penis
rather than the disgruntled look on their face.

He'll get used to them.

Well, use glow-in-the-dark ones.
That should make his face light up.

(GRUNTING)

I can't believe you're having a shit in a bar.

I'm not. I'm being macho.

Hello, Gaz. Hello, gay boy.

Why's Jonny having a shit in the bar?

I'm not gay.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off
to make my wife respect my heterosexuality.

Also I followed through a little bit
and I need changing.

- Kelly, glass of wine, large.
- Oh, that's not like you.

I know. I'm here to drown my sorrows.

I've discovered my father, the bummer,
is an alcoholic.

Oh, mine too.

Hey, you do know alcoholism is hereditary?

It's passed down the family
like a gin-soaked pearl necklace.

Sweet, innit?

That's preposterous. I'll never be an alky.

No, my only addiction is to heroin.

Sorry, I don't mean heroin, I mean shopping.

Right, woman...

make me some meat-based food
and worship my genitalia.

- What?
- You heard.

I am man. Hear me roar.

Jonny, what's this about?

I've been emasculated enough by the likes of you

and random British-Afro-Caribbean homosexuals
of a West Indian origin.

What?

I'm gonna go back to the days when
men were men and women were shorter.

You're my bird. Service me, bitch.

Jonny, Donna says
you have no right to talk to me like that.

Oh, right. Okay. Well, you've asked for this.

Roar!

Listen, I'm sick to death
of being pushed around by you

so from now on you're the one
who's gonna get pushed. Watch.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Janet.

Look at the little girl!
Does she want her mummy to make it better?

Janet, don't.

Look at the big girl pushing the little baby around.
Doesn't she like it?

No, she doesn't. Stop it.

Look, Corinthian, Mummy's bullying Daddy
and there's nothing he can do about it.

- Janet, don't.
- God, Jonny, you're such a big gay.

The thing is, Arthur, I've always admired you,
both as a man and as a man.

I can't believe you're pissed on one glass of wine.

Your face looks so funny, Joyce.

My name's Kelly.

I know perfectly well what your name is, Joyce.

Maybe you should just take yourself off home, eh?

No, I want me booze.

I've got to block out the pain
of me alcoholic father.

He was an alcoholic, you know.

I know. You've been talking about it all afternoon.

And you really ought to watch out
that you don't end up like him.

- Like what?
- An alcoholic!

Are you?

That's a coincidence. My father is an alcoholic.

No!

Louise, you have a problem with alcohol.

Nonsense! I'm at my zenith.
I've got my freaky buzz on.

Oh, God! I'm using addicts' words.
"Buzz" and "zenith."

It's true. I do have a problem with alcohol.

To recovery!

Aww.

Look at that new mum breast-feeding her baby.

If only that little monster would move his head.

Oh, well. Still one for the scrapbook.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Gaz, I'll get straight to the point.
I'm coming off the pill.

- That's weird. You've only just gone back on it.
- No, I haven't.

Yeah, you have.

No point in you being on it when we were apart
'cause you didn't sleep with anyone else.

Yeah. Anyway, the pill.

- (STAMMERING) What?
- It's not important.

I don't even remember his name. Tony.

Tony? What, Tony like the Tiger?

He certainly was.

Oh, it's like that, is it, Donna?
Well, if you'll excuse me, I shall be in my room.

- Gaz...
- I can't believe you're doing this to me.

That's it. I'm babbying you up for definite now.

You're what?

Babbying you up. I'm sorry, it's a medical term

and it means bowling one up you
and hitting a strike.

Yeah. Erm, I got the complicated medical jargon
but, uh, why do you need to bowl one up me?

Because some other man
has pissed up your lamppost

and I need to cock me leg on you.

Well, despite the incredibly poetic imagery,
you most certainly are not.

I'm not getting pregnant. There is no way
on God's earth I'm going over a size eight.

And yours, Gaz, is just one of the many portions
of mayonnaise I shall be refusing.

I can't go without sex. That's cruelty.

I'm not asking you to go without sex. Look here.

99% effective against pregnancy. I got extra-thick.

So put one on, lie on the bed,

and I'll be in the bathroom, giggling.

(HALTINGLY) You nearly hit me in the gob.

I know.

- I'm a horrible husband.
- You are.

I could have hurt you in the gob.

No, you couldn't.

You hit like a girl.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Why did I do this? Why?

I don't know. Shall I call the police?

Yes. Yes, I deserve to be stuck in a cell.

I deserve to have my sphincter delved.
I'll call Louise's dad.

- No, no, no. Wait.
- What?

Well, you went to hit me
because I was provoking you.

Don't you remember? Like this.
God, Jonny, you're such a big gay.

(SCREAMS) I'm really sorry, Jonny.

Don't make excuses for the bastard, Janet.
Violence is violence.

I'm not making excuses. Not at all.
What you did was wrong.

But it was because you got angry. I think
you have a problem with anger management.

No. I have a problem
with hitting tiny little women.

I'm a monster.

And not a friendly one like Brian Blessed.

I think what you need is something to temper
your testosterone. To chill you out.

And I think I know exactly what to use.

So, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I have a problem! This is easy.

Step two.
Admitting you are powerless over alcohol.

I am powerless over alcohol!

What the hell was George Best going on about?
This is a piece of piss.

Mmm. Cheeky.

(GASPS)

You sneaky beast.

Damn you, Chianti. Damn you to hell!

Well, that was rubbish.

What are you talking about? I had a great time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you did. "Oh, Gaz!
Harder, harder, give it to me, I'm your slut."

I would never say that.

I provide me own audio.

Well, what was wrong with it?

Look at him, Donna. The poor fella's still dry.

So?

So, what's the point
in one going for a swim in the ocean,

if one doesn't come?

- Well, that was a subtle metaphor.
- This ain't going to work, Donna.

Well, I'm not going back on the pill. Do you
want me to die of a blood clot on the brain?

Well, if it means me getting a half-decent
shag out of it, then...

I... I am not gonna finish that sentence.

Well, if you come up with a better
and safe method of contraception,

I'll be happy to try it, but until then, condoms.

How am I supposed to secretly babby you up
through the hole I cut in the jizz-bag

if I can't even come
when I'm wearing the said jizz-bag?

What?

Um, I didn't say anything. Not a word. Nothing.

You bastard!
How dare you violate my body like that?

You were the one screaming, "Faster, Gaz, faster.
Ride it like the fat girl at gymkhana."

- No, I didn't.
- I provide me own audio.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ciao, chavs.

Now, step eight in my treatment for alcoholism,

I have to apologise to everyone I've hurt.

Louise, go away.

Donna, I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you.

- (EXCLAIMS) That's my line!
- Will you piss off!

Listen, Donna... Do you mind?

Listen, talk to me.

Gary Wilkinson, let me tell you now

you will never, ever, ever babby me up
because I'm never gonna have sex with you again.

Now get out! Out!

Excuse me.

- What'll it be, Tony?
- Tony?

Tony, do you remember that time when Donna got
shit-faced and let you shag her in the car park?

I just had the worst row with Donna.
She won't have me kids.

Uh, Jonny doesn't row anymore.
He's very laid back.

Now, what would non-angry Jonny
say to naked Gaz?

He'd say, "Well, Gaz, maybe you should try...

(GRUFFLY) "...wooing her."

And she had this other fellow while we split up

so I thought the right thing to do
was to put me stamp on her with me sperm.

(HIGH-PITCHED) But, Gaz,
that's not the way to make her pregnant.

What's wrong with your voice?

(GRUFFLY) Well, Gaz...

Ahem. I mean...

(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, Gaz...
Janet, you better explain.

Right. Well, Jonny's been
a bit too angry lately. A bit too much of a bastard.

So I've given him a shed-load
of Donna's old contraceptive pills.

Trouble is, he seems to be going through
puberty again, in reverse.

I've had eight wanks today.

- What's that got to do with anything?
- Nothing. I'm just really proud.

(JANET SIGHS)

Maybe it wasn't the best idea
feeding you a near-fatal dose of female hormones.

You know, I'm in the mood to listen to some Dido.

Ugh! You, home.

But I haven't finished my pint.

Right, Jonny, I have the perfect solution
to your anger management problem.

(HUMMING DRUM ROLL)

Contemporary dance?

No. Massage.

I'll relieve all your tension
and frustration through massage.

But, Janet, isn't massage a bit...

(SIGHING)

Nice one, it's working.

Ooh! Flap.

Brilliant.

Oh, okay, now that's a bit...

Ow, okay, now that...

You know, the Swedes actually use sticks
to beat each other with during massage.

I read it in Chat magazine.

Alongside an article about a woman
who grew her own coffee table.

The Swedes, eh? Do they?

- I found it on a policeman.
- Janet!

I didn't let Louise's dad near me with his
truncheon, I'm certainly not gonna let you.

God, Jonny, you're such a big gay.

Oh, what have I become!

(CORINTHIAN CRYING)

I'm sorry, Corinthian. I'm so sorry. Shh.

Who's Daddy's precious little boy? Is it you?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Jonny, that's it!

If you'll excuse me, I was having
a rather philosophical debate with my son.

Yes, I was. Yes, I was.

No, listen. You never display anger
when you're around Corinthian.

So all you have to do is be around him.
All the time.

That would never work. I couldn't stand
to spend all of my time around our...

(GURGLING)

Precious little beautiful bundle of joy. Would I?

Yes, I would. Yes, I would.

You're such a big gay.

Perfect.

Gaz, I have achieved a state of Zen-like stillness.

I wish to celebrate this with the imbibing
of large amounts of alcohol.

You what?

The perfect serenity on an infant's visage
can teach us all the virtue of...

You know, not smacking Janet.

Hey, you're right, you know. Babies are ace.

If only Donna would have one.
She'd be well chilled out.

Still not locating her treble twenty
with your liquid love dart?

No. Well, she's never
going to agree to have me kid.

Gaz, maybe you should look to the child
for the solution to all your problems.

Oh, that's it.

Donna hates the pill because it has side effects.

I'll pretend I've found a new safe pill
but I'll use a placebo.

You got all that from Corinthian
doing his "burp me" face?

Louise, who are these people?

This is an AA meeting, Kelly.

You picked a pub as a location for an AA meeting?

Obviously! It's what they know.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm about to start my new life of sobriety.

Welcome, new friends, ladies, gentlemen,
fellow pissheads.

My name's Louise and I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you.

It all started a couple of days ago.

I had two glasses of wine. Yes, two whole glasses.

Can I just remind everyone, ladies and gentlemen,
that we do have an offer on today?

Buy two glasses, get the rest of the bottle free.

Listen not to her
for she speaks the devil's language.

I don't. I'm just saying it's a good offer.

And one drink never hurt anyone now,
did it, hmm?

First drink on the house?

Well, it's been a long time, I... It might be okay.

No! Bad alky. Sit, alky, sit.

Ooh!

Desist.

Oh, give me the glass.
I might as well accept my inevitable denouement.

Mmm, cheeky.

- Donna, what a lovely surprise.
- You asked me here, Gaz.

I was putting flowers on my mum's grave
and you made me come all the way back.

Yeah, are you sure? Or did you just come back
'cause you can't stay mad at me?

No, Gaz. You phoned and said
you had your head stuck in a colander.

I see no colander, so goodbye.

- No, wait, wait.
- What?

I have summat for you. Sit down.

I went to the doctor's and they gave me
these new contraceptive tablets.

They're called Spunk Stop.

Eat one. Let's have sex.

Gaz, this is a jellybean.

You can't do this. You can't just trick me.
Having a kid takes a lot of thought.

Well, it didn't with Janet.

Go any further and I will bite your eyes off.

Listen to me, seriously, we both know
there's a chance Corinthian's mine.

- I don't want to talk about it.
- We have to talk about it. Now shut up!

Please.

Fine. This is really uncomfortable for me
so talk fast.

We both know that Corinthian might be mine,
we both have problems sorting that in our head.

It'd be a lot easier if you have a baby of your own.

I don't wanna be Corinthian's dad,
I want Jonny to be Corinthian's dad.

I do think I'd be a really good dad
to any of our kids.

I want to keep you and I do keep losing you.

The only way I can be sure of keeping you
is if I babby you up big style.

- Do I have any time left?
- A little bit.

Then, as an afterthought, I love you.

That was very moving, Gaz, and speedy.

Oh, thanks. My tongue hurts a bit.

- I didn't know you felt like that.
- (SIGHS) Donna.

Out of the hundreds and hundreds
of women I've slept with...

Hundreds?

Out of the seven women I've slept with,
it's never been as good as it is with you,

because I love you more than anything.

You know, it's like... it's like we bond somehow.

And don't you think that what we do in bed

should be used for something
a little more constructive?

You know, like making a baby?

Okay.

I love flipping stuff.

Stuff is so god bag amazing.

Burrr! I don't know.

Louise, you're wankered.

- You should get off home.
- I'm not drunk!

I need some cats. We need precisely seven.

I forget the rest of the plan.

- Louise, you're completely off your face.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, thank you, Kelly.
At least someone round here's speaking sense.

Not them, you.

These people are enjoying a nice drink
after their Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

and you, Janet Keogh, are ruining it for them.

It's a disease, a really brilliant disease.
We get pissed

and nobody minds because we're poorly!

- Right, that's it. I'm taking you home.
- No, you're not.

- Come on, you.
- Hey, stop her. She's stealing my justification.

Yeah? And what are you gonna do, eh?

You're drunk, you're rowdy, you're bigger than me
and you're standing up. Oh, shit!

(SIGHS) Oh, that was fab.

Fab? What kind of a word is fab?

It's a word that takes little energy to say.

What are you doing?

Just having a jellybean. A new type of jellybean.

- Is that the morning-after pill?
- No! It's... a jellybean, medicine flavoured.

I can't believe you're taking the morning-after pill
after all we talked about!

I'm sorry. It's just such a hard decision.

So what are you saying, Donna? What, is it me?

Is it you don't want my genes
because I'm a bit dim?

- Well, Gaz, it's not that I don't want your babies.
- Then don't eat the pill.

It's that I don't want any babies. You know how
most little girls play with dollies and prams?

- Yep.
- Well, I had potatoes.

I just... I don't want children.

I'm not in the slightest bit maternal.
It's just not going to happen for me.

It's nothing to do with you.

Please, don't take the pill, Donna.

- Oh.
- Look, I'm sorry.

Does this mean we have to split up?

How can you stay with someone
who doesn't want to have kids?

Because I can get a baby.
I know exactly how to go about it.

I will have my heir.

Stand still.

(SCREAMS)

- What's going on?
- Jonny! This man's gonna hit me.

Ooh! Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Now, just hold on a minute.
Listen you, I've been where you are.

I felt the sin of wrath against this woman.

But, despite the fact that she is a little bit
annoying, I've become a peace-lover.

A pacifist. A conscientious objector.

And how the bugger is that going to help us
against this violent pisshead?

I think if he just takes a little look
in this here crib, he'll see the error of his ways.

For gazing upon a child's unsullied humanity
can teach us the benefit of tolerance to man.

Jonny!

- Where's Corinthian?
- I dropped him round your mum's.

It's lucky I did really.

(BABY VOICE)
Oh, little baby, who's Daddy's little man?

Is it you? Yes, it is.

Yes, it is, yes, it is.

Does this look a bit gay?

No! Not at all.

It's the most manly thing in the world.

Aw, thanks for seeing off that bloke before.

Well, you know, a little bit of violence
never hurt anybody.

Except for those people
that get punched and that.

All right, Gaz.

Oh. What's up with you?

Donna won't have my baby.

Oh, don't worry about that.
She'll come round. They always do.

And if she doesn't, a little bit of Benylin Drowsy
in her tea. It works a treat.

Yeah, well that's not why I'm here, Jonny.

I've come to reclaim Corinthian.