Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 3 - Mummy Cupboard - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

I've got a confession to make.

I've pawned my wedding ring.

- Janet, that's terrible.
- I know.

Someone actually gave you money
for that piece of crap.

Louise!



Anyway, I had to.

We're so skint lately,
I've had to start reusing nappies.

You can't do that.

Don't be silly, Donna.
I don't reuse them as nappies.

- Oh.
- Just dishcloths.

Look, if this is about buying your ring back,
there's a fiver. You can keep the change.

Oh, no, Donna. I've got to do this on my own.

That ring is a symbol of
Jonny's undying love for me.

I've gotta raise that money
to prove that I'm a decent

and upstanding wife and mother.

- How?
- Phone sex.

Of course.

As of today, I am Busty Housewife, 36 FF.

So now all I've got to do is sit back
and wait for the money to start spurting in.



Mmm. Thick, salty, creamy...

money.

Talking of my mummy...

- I said money!
- Same difference.

I'm meeting my fabulously wealthy
birth parents tomorrow.

Aren't you the teeniest bit nervous, Lou?
I mean, it's a big step.

Donna, I'm sure they're lovely people.
They do live in upper Runcorn.

You can't even smell the animal rendering plant.

Now then, Corinthian, back to today's lecture.

Modern snacking.

Now, this is a pork scratching.

Bear in mind this is
an entirely different kind of scratching

to the type your Uncle Gaz
is demonstrating right now.

Yeah, although interestingly,
both result in the build up

of powdery residue on the fingertip.

What are you doing?

What's wrong with that?

I've barely worked a day in me life
and look at me now.

You've got snot in your hair.

- All right, look at me now.
- Got a bit of peanut on your lip.

Now?

Jonny, you're wearing ladies' slippers.

Okay, all right, point taken.

Just 'cause I'm a waster,
doesn't mean me son will be.

Well, you know what they say?
The apple never falls far from the tree.

I didn't know they said that.
When did they start saying that?

Jonny, I need to ask you something.

Whatever it is, I hardly think it's as important
as the future of my first-born son.

I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

For God's sake. Okay, you win.

It just seems I've reached that stage
in our relationship

where it's time to tether the pig.

Well, congratulations, mate. That's brilliant news.

Just wanna wait for the right moment, you know.
I want it to be perfect.

With candles and flowers
and the absence of any foul smells in the air.

Which rules out tonight.

Should never have ate them jar of eggs.

Have some of that.

Right then, this is it.

Do you smell eggs?

- Donna, I...
- Oh, my God!

- I'm gonna be late.
- What is it?

I'm gonna be late! I'm gonna be late!

WOMAN ON TV: Now another case
of mistaken identity for Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, that was too close.

Damn you, snooze alarm!

Listen, I've been thinking, right,
about you and me and the garage...

You won't get away with this,
you sick son of a bitch.

Sorry, what?

Okay, maybe now isn't the right time but...

I've got big plans for you and me,
Donna Henshaw.

Look, I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna offer me a job at the garage

because you know I'm too proud to admit
how much I hate being unemployed.

Actually, I...

Please, Gaz. Give me a job at the garage
'cause I really hate being unemployed

and I can't spend another afternoon
trimming my pubes in front of Diagnosis Murder.

Sorry, Donna. The garage is no place for a lady.

That is sexism in the work place.
I can't believe you sometimes.

Yeah, well, I've got to get back to work.

- Listen, we'll talk later, though, yeah?
- Yeah, whatever.

Just pass me my Ladyshave
on your way out, thank you.

Ugh. I can taste Corinthian.

I've gotta get a job before I go mad.

I swear I caught David Dickinson
looking down my top this morning.

Donna, you own the garage.

Just order Gaz to employ you.

Oh, my God! You're right.
Yeah, yeah, I'll show him, yeah.

It's time for my immaculately manicured
lady garden to grow wild.

On an entirely more interesting note,

I've decided to ask my real mummy and daddy
if I can move in with them.

Louise, you haven't even met them yet.

I reckon daddy's the one to go for.

You know how fathers
love to please their little girls.

Yeah, piece of advice, never Google that sentence.

(PHONE RINGING)

Here you are, Janet. Let's hear your impression
of someone talking dirty.

Shh. Got to get into character.

Hello.

Oh, no. I'm afraid you've come through to

Bored Housewife,
Please Spring-clean My Mummy Cupboard.

No, you're gonna need extension 32

for Brassy Fishwife Who Wants To Nibble
Your Squid Rings.

Okay. Bye.

Jonny must be so proud.

Prostituting yourself for 35 pence a minute.

Off peak!

It's usually twice that.

Anyway, I haven't told him.

Janet, you've got to.

Yes, I know and I will.
Just as soon as he gets back from the park.

- JONNY: I'm home!
- Oh, joy.

Janet, you know how you're always saying
I'm a bad influence on Corinthian?

Jonny, is that a cigarette butt in his mouth?

Right.

I'm gonna raise him to be my exact opposite.

I'm gonna start right now. Come on, Corinthian!
Or should I say, The Anti-Jonny.

I'm telling you,
it wasn't making that noise when it left here.

- Hello.
- All right.

Excuse me, Mr Davies. All right, what's up?

I've come to start work.

Not this again. I've told you,
a garage ain't no place for a lady.

Gaz, as owner of this garage,
I demand that you give me a job.

Donna, we'll end up having sex all day,
won't get any work done.

Like I'd want to have sex with you in here.

- So no shagging?
- Brownie's honour.

All right, you're on.

Out of interest...

were you actually in the Brownies at all?

Yep.

Did you ever wear one of those like...

You know them...

One of them little, like, tiny brown skirts?

GAZ: Now, recite the Brownies' promise again.

- I bet you got all your badges, didn't you, eh?
- Oh!

- GAZ: Needlecraft, eh?
- Yeah.

GAZ: Introduce me to your brown owl.

GAZ: It's like that film, innit?

DONNA: What, Titanic?

No, Backseat Bangers.

Mr Wilkinson, can I open me eyes yet?

GAZ: With you shortly, Mr Davies!

I'm just about to... Kumbaya, me Lord!

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Warning: the following phone conversation
may make your cock explode.

No, not literally! No, don't go! Hello?

Sod it!

Janet, would you class "flange" as a swear word?

Jonny, I've got something I need to tell you.

You see, I've started this new job.

Oh, my God! Did you do this?

Is this that Anti-Jonny thing?

I'm censoring the entire house.

Janet, if we're not careful,
our son could turn out to be a little hooligan

faster than you could say
Anti-Social Behaviour Order.

- You mean ASBO.
- Damn it! We've got less time than I thought.

The way I see it, all I have to do
is remove everything from the house

that turned me into me.

The booze, the foul language, the female nipple.

The female nipple?
How about when I breastfeed him?

Well, that's where his goggles come in.

Jonny, haven't you thought about getting a job?
Set a good example.

You're the only positive role model our son needs.

You're everything he should be.

Honest, hard-working, decent.

So what's this job, then?

Um...

I'm a telephone psychic speaking clock.

How does that work?

Okay, well, people call me
and I tell them what time they think it is.

(PHONE RINGING)

About 12.

(MOANING)

Louise, I can't believe you're really here.

Yeah. This is me.

That little girl you "accidentally" gave away.

Look at you. You're so, so, so...

Let's say beautiful.

- Where's Daddy?
- Louise, your daddy isn't here.

Oh, I like that.

We'll have to see about that wallpaper.

Mummy, I really have to ask you something.

Right.

Be honest with me now.

Okay, then.

That double garage,

are they both yours
or does one belong to next door?

All right then, Donna,
get yourself up on that car lift.

It's time I serviced your undercarriage.

- Gaz, you can't do this.
- No, I can. I've learnt now.

I'm not doing it properly
unless me eyelids are sticky.

No, this.

All the shagging all the time.
What are your customers gonna think?

Can I open my eyes yet, Mr Wilkinson?

Two minutes, Mr Davies.

No, I suppose you're right.
Can't let the business suffer.

Well, what if you treat me
like one of the lads, you know.

I'll be Don Henshaw.

Blokey-bloke. And then you won't want
to have sex with me. Here we go.

Excuse me, Mr Davies.

(GEORDIE ACCENT) All right, Gaz.

All right, Don.

I dee like a nice fat lassie

with a reet wobbly set o' botty-clackers.

Yeah, this might work
'cause I'm going off sex already.

Right, I want you to sort me car out
and I want me hat back...

I'll tell you what you'll dae. You'll shut your
chuffing mouth until you're spoken to.

Or I'll twat you into next week.

Okay, then.

- Can I have me hat back?
- No!

Wow.

There we go.

Well, that's it.

I've censored the entire house.

Let's see if I can find you some
good, wholesome family entertainment.

Oh, look, a wildlife documentary.

Oh, look at that.

The mummy and daddy hippo.

And what's that daddy hippo doing now?

(HIPPO GRUNTING)

Oh, no... Wait...

No, no, don't look, son.

Just put a piece of gaffer tape over that.

There we go.

There we go.

See? Oh, he's moved it. Okay.

There we go.

Right, that's got it.

Wow, he's really putting it about a bit, isn't he?

All right, just...
Just keep it still, hippo, all right?

Just keep it still.

Damn you, hippo!

Damn you and your gargantuan penis
all the way to hell.

Oh, bugger! I said penis.

Oh shit! I said bugger.

You know what
the real problem is here, Corinthian?

It's not that hippo's penis at all.

I've taken everything out of the house
that could turn you into me except for one thing.

(BABY GURGLING)

Gaz, yeah, I need you to leave your phone on
for a while.

'Cause I need you to look after Corinthian,
till I get to the pub.

No, he'll be safe enough
if I leave the mobile next to his little brain.

It's best if I stay away for a while.

Janet, I'm just taking Corinthian to the...

(MUMBLING)

Okay.

(PHONE RINGING)

This is the one.

Mmm, my tits are so big.

So big and heavy.

Ooh!

You like it when I talk about my tits, don't you?

Okay, my tits are so big

that they give me back problems.

In fact my boobs are so large,

I often get weeping sores in the creases beneath.

Hello?

Listen to Daddy.

Jobs are brilliant.

Books aren't just for the gays.

Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.

Kids always rebel.

I mean, look at that Stuart Little.

You know, his parents are all respectable
and well-to-do, and what happens?

He grows up to be a talking mouse
just to piss them off.

Well, the last thing me and Janet need
is a rambunctious,

skateboarding mouse on our hands.

The point is, you try and force him to be a saint,
he'll grow up to be a sinner.

So, the worse I am, the better he'll be.

That's it! I'm gonna be a sinner.

I'm gonna leave the house without a hanky.

And I'm gonna be
the worst sexual deviant imaginable.

Princess Margaret?

Gaz, you're a genius.

Corinthian, your shitting bastard daddy's
coming home,

just as soon as he's spunked
all your food money away on beer.

See, you're a natural. Eh?

So, how's it going with Donna?

You're still waiting for the perfect moment
to ask her?

Him.

What?

Donna is not a her, she's a him.

She started acting all blokey at work
to stop us having sex,

only now she can't stop herself.

I'm just going to the gents to drain the main vein.

I'm not gonna ask that to marry me.

God. I gotta do something.

Well, maybe you could give her a cuddly toy.

Hold on.

So what you're basically saying is
I should create a conflict

between the male and the female sides
of her fractured persona.

No, what I'm basically saying is,
girls like cuddly toys.

That's brilliant, Jonny.

I'll use some of Donna's girly things
to tempt her out.

I'd give it five minutes, lads.

However deeply buried she may be.

It was amazing, Janet.

I honestly thought I was gonna break down
and cry right there and then,

I just felt so good deep down inside.

Twenty-three years of age
and I finally got to use a bidet.

Great. And what were your parents like?

Oh, they're okay. I only met Mum.

And did you ask her about moving in with them?

No point. She's the monkey not the organ donor.

Nope, Daddy's the one.

I'm asking him in The Archer tonight.

You can come if you like.

Might as well. I've not had a single call
that lasts more than 10 seconds.

Even Jonny goes longer than that.

If you include the seven seconds
it takes him to find it.

Come on, Janet, it could be worse.

How, Louise? I've traded my wedding ring
for a pile of dirty nappies

and I haven't told my holier than thou husband
that he's married to a telephone slut whore.

How could it possibly get any worse?

See.

(PHONE RINGING)

Louise!

Look, I'm sitting here thinking about my ring
and now I'm soaking wet,

so you might as well just hang up.

Hello?

You're still there? He's still there.

I can hear him deep breathing.

Hold on, let me just turn on my vibrator.

Now then, about my tits.

Right then, Don, you unconvincing Geordie twat.

Prepare to meet your maker.

All right, Gaz.

Hi, Don. Yeah, just in time.

Got a bit bored so I thought I'd burn
a perfectly good pair

of peep-toe sandals.

Yeah, size 6, by the way.

Burn the bloody things.

Okay, also, me and a couple of the lads

are going out puppy stomping tonight.

- Fancy it?
- Oh! Aye, man!

I hate puppies, like.

You leave me with no choice.

Des Lynam.

Des, those eyebrows are like...

like rutting sex caterpillars.

So, do I have my girlfriend back?

What are you doing on the floor, you big poof?

While you're down there, love, eh?

I can't believe you're still on the line.

Okay, what can the strict headmistress
do to you next?

Oh, I know.

Stroke your satchel.

Your satchel is so leathery.

Ooh, and what's this inside?

It's a big pair of bollocks.

Okay then, Nan, you take care, love you.

- Jonny, how long have you been...
- Long enough.

Nan says hi.

Janet, I know what's going on here.

I know that you're a dirty, horny little woman

with an addiction to phoning sex lines.

- What? No, Jonny...
- Janet, it's okay.

The more we shelter Corinthian,
the more he's gonna grow up to be interested

in sex and swearing and booze.

- No, Jonny, you don't understand...
- And that means that if you want to act out

elaborate school-boy sex fantasies,
then we should.

Nay, we must!

If only for the sake of our first-born son.

Oh, my God!

Oops.

I've dropped my pencil.

I'd better bend down and pick it up.

I don't suppose you could pass me me pencil?

Janet, where's your wedding ring?

Jonny, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

You see, we didn't have any money
for nappies so I had to pawn it.

- You what?
- Before you go mad,

I've easily made enough money to buy it back.

You see, I wasn't phoning a sex line.

I was operating one.

Yeah, right!

I've heard you trying to talk dirty before,
remember?

Oh, take that, you fat slag.

Jonny, that was you.

And I'm still really, really sorry.

I'll show you. I'll call the last bloke back.

(MOBILE RINGING)

It's ringing.

What's that?

(MOBILE RINGING)

Janet, you've been talking dirty to your baby son.

What're you talking about?

I left my phone in his cot.
He must've rolled on to the speed dial.

Oh, God, Jonny, what have I done!

I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, no, I've corrupted his tiny mind.

Hold on! I'm coming back into the kitchen.

Could you not tell you were talking to a baby?
I bid you good day, madam.

I could just hear grunting.
I thought he was enjoying it.

Oh, no!
And now I've dirtied up his precious little mind.

Yes!

Yes. You have.

And don't think I'm not grateful.

What?

Well, now he's been exposed to your filth,
he's gonna be just fine.

He's gonna be a monk, Janet! A monk!

Think of all the free fudge.

God, Jonny, how the hell
are we supposed to pay this phone bill?

(PHONE RINGING)

Well, you're gonna have to get that.
I said I'd meet Louise in the pub.

Fine, but don't think I'm gonna be polite
to your dirty customers.

Hello.

No.

I'm afraid Busty Housewife, 36 FF
can't come to the phone right now.

What am I wearing?

It's funny you should ask actually.

Tight-grey shorts, a maroon blazer
and a school tie.

And what about you Mr?

T-Bone?

So basically just an earring?

Oh, Janet!

Come and meet
my fabulously middle class parents.

Look.

This is Janet.

Hello. I'm Louise's mum.

Pleased to meet you.

And this is Daddy!

- What?
- I've tried telling her but she won't listen.

Isn't he adorable?
He's got my nose and everything.

Excuse me.

Louise.

He can't be your dad.

You and him are, you know, different.

What are you going on about?

Okay, how can I put this?
Look, you know the film Lethal Weapon?

You've got Mel Gibson, that's him,

and you've got Danny Glover, that's you.

Can't I be Mel Gibson?

There's nothing wrong with being Danny Glover.

Janet, I'm not standing here, in public,
pretending to be Danny Glover.

I'm too old for this shit!

Now if you'll excuse me.

Daddy, can I move in with you?

What?

- Hold on, Louise.
- It's okay.

Let me try this one more time.

Louise, you know that film 48 Hrs,

with Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy?

Okay, bagsy Nick Nolte.

I give up.

Donna, come and meet my mummy and daddy.

He's not your father.
He's the wrong chuffing colour.

Oh, my God!

She's right. He's...

- Yes?
- He's...

ginger!

I'm not ginger, I'm strawberry blonde.

Louise, I haven't seen your real dad
since you were little.

This is all I have.

I don't understand, he's...

- He's...
- You okay, Louise?

He's wearing sandals with socks!

Oh, T-Bone, I think this naughty school boy

needs another stroke of your cane.

Jonny, it's gone midnight.

Oh, five more minutes, please.
He's a really top bloke.

Well, I've easy made enough money
to pay the phone bill and get your ring back.

Yeah, great, now please, just come to bed.

I'll give you a biology lesson.

All right, T-Bone, listen, I've really got to go.

No, you hang up.

No, you! You hang up. No...

Phwoah. She'd get it.

Donna, get in bed.

I told you, I'm not that kind of bloke.

You're a girl!

I bet that's what you say to all your cell mates.

You be the chamois leather, I'll be the Turtle Wax.

You know what?

I had something
that I actually wanted to talk to you about.

But it doesn't matter anymore.

(SCOFFING) What doesn't matter,
gay Gaz Wankinson?

That you and Jonny love each other?

What doesn't matter is that before you
turned into an arse-brained knuckle dragger

with a crap Geordie accent,
I was actually waiting for the perfect moment

to ask you to marry me.

Yeah, I know. Stupid or what, eh?

Sod off and let me get some kip.

DONNA: Gaz?

Gaz, I'm right here.

Oh, Donna.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

The stuff after the bit
about me being an arse-brained knuckle dragger.

It ain't perfect, but...

Oh, Gaz...

(GEORDIE ACCENT)
While you're down there, love...

- If Don doesn't sod off once and for all...
- Sorry.

So, Donna Henshaw,

non-manly woman,

will you marry me?