Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 2 - Goblins - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

(THE WEAKEST LINK THEME PLAYING ON TV)

ANNE ROBINSON: (ON TV)
Welcome to The Weakest Link.

Janet.

I don't want to tell you how to raise your child,
but what the hell is that?

His milk. His last bottle broke
and we couldn't afford a new one.



Well, that is Gaz's dream come true that.
Big tit full of beer.

Well, if you can't afford baby bottles,
Jonny will have to get a job.

Yeah, well, he's tried,
but there aren't any jobs available in his field.

Him and that bloody field.

Anyway, he doesn't need to find a job now
because I have got a job.

Ooh!
"Earn pound, pound, pounds working from home!

- "You can earn up to £600 per week!"
- Hm!

Making squeaky elves for kids.

You want to be careful with these things,
they try and rip you off.

They're only toys, Donna.

Not the elves, the people who run it.

- Well, you saw the flier. "Up to £600."
- Yeah, but "up to" doesn't mean anything.

- It just means no more than £600.
- Well, no. That'd be greedy.

- And I'd probably have to sign off.
- Why don't you get a proper job?



Hey! I'm getting promoted.
Remember I told you about me old boss

who was always throwing sickies,
going home early,

I didn't think he'd last much longer,
well, sure enough...

- They sacked him?
- No, he's dead.

- Oh! Congratulations!
- Thank you.

Yay!

- You know what I just noticed in the toilets?
- Was it my phone number on the cubicle wall?

No, it was... What?

I own a garage now, Jonny.
It's my business, my responsibility.

I've got to put that phone number
where people will see it.

Okay. If you want to, your words,
"advertise your business" in the gents,

well, that's fine by me.

- Well, thank you.
- And the big picture of a cock?

Yeah, it's me corporate logo.

- Thought Donna owned the garage?
- Well, technically, but it's me that runs the place.

You know, it's me that works flat out 24/7
never resting for a moment.

- Yeah, you're right there.
- Right. Is it too much to ask?

They can afford soap.
They can afford a hand dryer.

They can afford the old fella
who squirts you with smelly stuff on the way out.

- I don't think he works here, though.
- Hmm.

So why not a simple table for changing a baby?
It made the job very difficult.

I'm just a concerned father
wanting the best for my child.

Oh, yeah, Jonny.

Where is the baby?

You're such a role model, Donna.
Look at you, happy, full of enthusiasm,

- revelling in a man's death.
- Stop it, I'll blush.

So dynamic. I mean, buying the garage with Gaz,
getting promoted.

- You know, I really admire you for that.
- Well, I really admire you for...

You know, for so many things.

Like that staircase is brilliant. Louise, hi!

Or is it goodbye?
For I shall soon be leaving this town.

Spend some catch-up time with my birth parents.

Either skiing in Aspen
or a month in the villa in Tuscany.

- You should drop in if you're near.
- Oh, wow, Lou, you've changed your tune.

- So where do your birth parents live?
- Well, I don't know yet exactly.

- So how did you find them?
- Well, I haven't so much as found them.

Right, so there isn't a villa in Tuscany?

There are many villas in Tuscany.

Look, Lou, I don't think
you should get your hopes up too high.

Maybe your parents were just normal people
who couldn't look after a baby.

No parents of mine could be normal people.

That's a fair point.

Imagine Nelson Mandela
had a baby with Princess Diana.

There's no way they'd be allowed
to bring that child up as their own.

- Still, you might not be their daughter.
- Or Mother Theresa and Saint Bob Geldof.

- That'd explain my spirituality.
- Or Keith Harris and Orville.

That'd explain your voice.

I'm going to find out who my real parents are.

And when I'm flying above you
in my private hovercraft

you might wish you hadn't been so cruel.

I think there's some disappointment
on the horizon.

- Yeah, poor Louise.
- I actually meant for her parents.

(CLEARING THROAT)

My God. I passed out.

It must have been the exhaust fumes.
I was nearly poisoned.

Donna, thank God you came.
I might never have woken up.

Especially not with the blanket over you
and the pillow under your head

and Now That's What I Call Lullabies! Volume 6.

- All right! I'm entitled to a break.
- A break from what?

- You haven't done any work in days.
- I have.

Yeah. I had an idea for rebranding the business.
Right, instead of Wilkinson Motors,

the "Gaz Station". Hey!

I own the garage, Gaz. I didn't pay £80,000
so you can treat this place like a hotel.

Oh, that reminds me. I didn't get my copy
of the Telegraph this morning.

You don't read the Telegraph.

Yeah, I get it for the trenchant political analysis
of Boris Johnson.

She's fit.

- What?
- Anyway, you've got your own job to think about.

- Your promotion.
- I didn't get bloody promoted, did I?

What? Oh, what, did you go in there
shouting and demanding it?

No. I chose a quiet moment when no one was busy
and I simply asked my boss

if there was any chance of me
having the dead man's job.

- And?
- Turns out it wasn't so much a quiet moment

as a minute's silence.

- Oh.
- But it's not what I did that matters.

It's what I am, a woman,
and there's a glass ceiling at that place.

Is there?

Yes, and the only people who get to work
above the glass ceiling are men.

Right.

See, if that was me, I'd want women up there.

♪ Hi ho, hi ho

♪ Hi ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

(HUMMING)

Hi, ho'.

- Have you earned pound, pound, pounds yet?
- Nearly.

Well, let's see.

(SQUEAKS)

What do you think?

That's lovely, Janet. It's really adorable.

It's just the sort of thing that kids'll...
Get it out of the house now!

- What are you talking about?
- It's evil.

It reminds me of that thing from Child's Play.

- Michael Aspel?
- Yes!

- Jonny, there's no point in covering his ears!
- Well, I think there is.

There isn't. That one can still hear you.

Aah!

- How many of these dwarfs are there?
- Seven.

Like that film Se7 en.

But we need to make at least 100
if I'm to earn pounds, pounds, pounds!

- Come on, you can help if you like.
- No chance. I'm not touching them.

Jonny, I'm trying to do
something for the family here.

I'm trying to be a good mum.

Well, me too.

I'm campaigning to introduce
baby changing facilities in the pub toilets.

I'm thinking of that baby all the time.

Where is the baby?

You had him when you went out.

Forget about the glass ceiling,
the ceiling isn't relevant.

Well, maybe not to you,
but ceilings are very important in business.

Part of your overheads.

Fine, but that's not the point I'm making.

No, the point is you didn't get promoted
because you're a woman.

- Yes.
- Well, that's just sexism, plain and simple.

- Yes, it is.
- You're a better rep than anyone in that place,

- man or woman.
- I am.

It's not like you have to drive
a big van or anything, is it?

Well, I would, actually.
I'd get me own Transit Van.

Oh.

Yeah, but it's still sexist, though, innit, Gaz?

- Gaz, isn't it?
- No!

You can't drive a Transit Van, you just can't!
Don't care whether it is the 20th century or not.

It's not.

A white van should be driven by a man.
Hence the expression, "Women can't drive."

Why don't you just go back to sleep, Gaz?
I can't believe you just said that!

That's so sexist!

You're a goddamn misogynistic excuse
for a modern man!

And I for one, am not...

That's actually quite impressive.

Definitely getting more attractive.

I could almost kiss you.

Janet, you wouldn't believe...

Oh! I didn't realise you had family round.

- Louise, this is work. I made them.
- Oh, I always thought such things were made

by child labourers in the Far East.

Yeah, but I'm cheaper.

What have you got there?

- My parents.
- What, in that little envelope?

Sorry.

- That was quick. Is it from the adoption agency?
- No, it's from "her".

The impostor who claims to have brought me up.

Louise, the woman who brought you up
is still your mum.

I know, but she's in hospital and it's so boring.

I don't want this random stranger
leeching off my valuable time.

(IMITATING MUM) "Louise, pass me some water.
Louise, stop stealing me Lucozade.

"Louise, I just saw Jesus!"

Look, Lou, just 'cause you've got different blood,
that doesn't change anything.

I know.

- And, of course, I still call her mum.
- Good.

I just use inverted commas when I say it.

- So what's in the envelope?
- It's a letter from my real mother.

- Given to my "mum" when I was born.
- What's it say?

That's the problem. I know it sounds silly but I...

I just can't open it.

- I want you to open it for me, Janet.
- Oh, Lou.

Oh, I'm so touched. It'll be an honour.

This is a big moment for you.
I'm not surprised you can't do it.

Oh. It's quite tough, actually.
I suppose it was sealed a long time ago.

See what I mean? It's impossible.
I was trying for hours.

Louise, I thought you asked me to open it
because you were scared of what it might say?

No, I asked you because you've got beefy arms.

Look, Lou, I've got elves to make.
I can't sit here all day tugging at your flaps.

Right! For that, you're banned from the villa.

Kelly, I wish to submit a petition.

"We, the undersigned, demand that the pub
sticks more baby change facilities

"in the men's bogs and that.
Go on, it will be ace. Love Jonny."

No chance. If we took any notice of petitions,
that corpse would have been removed months ago.

- Look, three pages of signatures. Huh?
- Ooh, amazing considering how quiet it's been.

Well, sometimes you don't notice
people coming and going.

- "Delia Smith."
- Hmm.

"Orson Welles."

Sting?

Well, not the Sting, obviously.

Look, Jonny, I'll show it to the brewery,
but it won't change anything.

One man can't make any difference
in this crazy world.

You see that you do.

- All right, pal.
- All right, Gaz.

How's life working for yourself?

You know, I've done no work at all today. Nothing.
Customers are leaving,

the business is going down the toilet,
but do I listen?

No.

I showed it to the brewery, Jonny,
but there's nothing they can do.

Right. Did you actually show it to the brewery

or did you just stand on the other side
of that door for a few seconds?

I showed it to the brewery.

So there's someone from the brewery
stood the other side of that door, is there?

- Just standing there?
- Yes.

Who's been stood there all day?

Sometimes you don't notice people
coming and going.

Right. What's his name?

Mr...

Pump... lager.

Mr Pumplager.

Yeah.

- Can I talk to him?
- (STAMMERING) He's very busy right now.

- Even so.
- Well, okay.

- Mr Pumplager.
- Yes.

Oh, I, um, thought perhaps you...

hadn't seen the petition. Sorry.

- What petition?
- Nothing.

It's no good, Jonny.

I can't let meself walk all over me like this.
You know, I gotta do something.

- Have you tried being a bit nicer to yourself?
- How do you mean?

When Janet wants me to do something,
she gives me little treats.

Like I do the washing up, I get a treat.
I put the toilet seat down, I get a treat.

She calls it the carrot and stick method.

- You don't like carrots.
- No, but I'm very fond of sticks.

- Sounds like it's worth a try. Thanks, Jonny.
- Don't thank me, just give me a stick.

Uh, I'll owe you the stick.

- Shame about the petition, Jonny.
- You haven't defeated me, Kelly.

- I'm going to mount a protest.
- Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?

Make some pathetic banner?

No. What I have in mind
is much more cunning. Ha!

Jonny.

I think I'll call this one Simon.
He looks like a Simon, doesn't he?

- What's up with you?
- Bloody work and bloody Gaz!

Everyone thinks because I'm a woman
I shouldn't have a proper job. No.

Shouldn't drive a Transit Van.
Should sit at home shitting thimbles like you.

Well, Transit Vans are quite big, aren't they?
Not very feminine.

My God. Not you, too? What's this, a conspiracy?

- No.
- Is this National Do Donna Down Day?

No, it isn't National Do Donna Down Day.

I just think you should know your limits and...

Do Donna Down Day.

- What?
- I wanted to say it, too.

Some jobs are more suited to women,

some jobs are more suited to men.
It's a fact of life.

You're right.
I need a big, strong man to open this for me.

- Where's Jonny?
- At the pub.

Good. I want to be sure I don't bump into him
on my way to find Gaz.

- I thought you'd be on my side.
- We are not on anyone's side.

Oh, well, fine then, Gandalf,
just sit at home with your goblin friends.

He is not a goblin, he's an elf.

As long as you've got your elf,
that's all that matters.

Donna!

It's all right, Corinthian. Daddy'll be okay.
Don't be alarmed.

They think they can ignore my petition
and I'll run away defeated.

Yeah, well, they're wrong.

I'm not going to give up until I get justice.

Corinthian, in years to come,
you'll tell this story to your own children.

Let's see them ignore this!

Hi, Gaz.

Ooh, a film.

(MOANING ON TV)

Oh, good God! You're revolting.

Yeah, it's Jonny's idea.

He said that I should reward meself
for every job I do.

So, fix a car, have a wank.

Fix another car, have another wank.
I'm glad you're here actually.

Ugh! Don't be preposterous!
I wouldn't stroke that thing

if it were made of puppies.

Well, the method's worked so far.
I've not had a break in three hours.

How many cars have you fixed?

None, I've been wanking.

Well, I've got a job for you, Gaz.

This letter's from my birth mother
and I need you to open it.

Yeah. You leave it to me, Louise.
I won't rest until it's done.

Ew!

- It's Castrol GTX.
- (GIGGLING) Oh!

Helps me to masturbate.

♪ We're here, we're queer... ♪

♪ Two, four, six, eight, I think...

♪ Eggs are really great ♪

Oh, no. I've got it.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry... ♪

Jonny, get down.
The customers are complaining about the noise.

- Then complain they must.
- Look, we can't have you hanging off the building

like some anorexic King Kong.

Then bow to my demands.
I want baby changing facilities in those toilets.

Jonny, do you even know
what baby changing facilities look like?

Don't blind me with science,
just bow to the demands.

Okay, well,
since you don't know what they look like,

I'll see to it personally
that your demands are met.

Really? Well, no, I mean...
Well, yes. I should think so, too.

And do you know why?
Because I refuse to give up.

I scaled this building
and stayed till I conquered the beast.

And the beast, Kelly, was you.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Curse you!

I'm just trying to do the best I can for my family.
If that means working from home, then why not?

Donna thinks I should be following
this big high-flying career

but, I mean, that's just not me.

I'm happy with this job.

I mean, that stuff about the elves
being my best friends.

I mean, it's just rubbish, you...

Shit.

(GAZ SIGHING)

- Right, Louise, are you ready for this?
- Yes, yes, go on. I'm ready.

Okay, you want to sit down?

(CLEARING THROAT) Right.

"Dear Louise, this is your mum speaking.

"Your real mum,
not the mental one that you live with now.

"Sorry for having you adopted
but the travelling circus is no life for a little baby.

"Unless it's one of those babies that can do tricks,

"which you can't.

"And your dad's in prison for robbing a bank.

"Say hello to Gaz for me. Your mum."

Gaz, this is an invoice for spark plugs!

- I thought you said you couldn't read.
- No, I said I couldn't open the envelope.

- Oh!
- You couldn't either, could you?

- It's like a sheet of rubber or something.
- Gaz, you're pathetic.

Yeah, you're right. I am pathetic.
I'm the worst employee I've ever had.

You know I've done no work at all today. Nothing.

I've had 14 wanks.

Pretty sure I can smell alcohol on me breath.

Well, that's it. I leave myself with little choice.
I'm fired!

- What?
- You heard.

I demand I clear my desk
and get the hell out of my sight.

I'll be sending me my P45 in due course.
Thank you.

You don't agree
with sexual discrimination, do you?

God no! I'll shag anything.

God, it's beautiful.
It's like Laboratoire Garnier in there.

Jonny, it's an ironing board and a jar of talc.

And it wouldn't have been there
without my lone crusade for justice.

And you know why? Because I had a dream.

Like Martin Luther King and Westlife.

Well, sometimes
people don't want to listen to your dreams.

Then make them listen.
People told me this couldn't be done,

but I went out there and proved them wrong.

Just think, yesterday there was one,
single solitary baby in this pub. Now look!

There's two!

Hey, give her a wipe from me, eh?

You know what, you're right.

If people tell me that I can't do something,
I should just go ahead and do it.

- Damn right you should.
- And if people say I can't drive a Transit Van,

I should just sign one out and drive it.

Transit Van? I'm not sure about that.

- Thank you, Jonny. Thank you very much.
- Well, don't thank me, just give me a stick.

Donna!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Ah! Get off! What's that?
- Gaz!

Get off him.

Leave him, Simon, he's not worth it.

- What do you want?
- I need to use your garage.

No, it's out of me hands. I've let meself go.

Yeah, you are looking a bit jowly.

- From me job.
- That makes no sense.

Anyway, I need to use
your garage to store my elves.

I think I've become
too emotionally attached to them.

Oh, and that does make sense?

Simon, this is your Uncle Gaz. Say hello, Simon.

(IN CHILDISH VOICE) Hello, Simon.

Oh! No, you stop that.

He's being silly.

Women can't drive.

Easy this.

Piece of piss.

Do you know, I can't believe I've been sacked.

- Me!
- You're the boss. You sacked yourself.

Yeah, well, better tell Donna, hadn't I?

(MOBILE RINGING)

Uh-uh! No taking phone calls at the wheel.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(SQUEAKING)

- Donna!
- Simon!

Who are them two bald bastards at our table?

Oh, you know you're getting older
when the pub seems like it's full of kids.

Gaz, what have I created?

All I wanted to do was make the pub
more suitable for bringing babies in.

- Who would have thought that'd lead...
- What, people bringing babies in?

- Fate is mocking me.
- You should've campaigned for something good.

- Like table football or a late licence or something.
- Or banning children?

- Let's scale the building again.
- Sorry, Jonny, I've gotta get back to work.

- I thought you fired yourself?
- That was yesterday.

Since Donna smashed up
half the cars on the street,

I've re-hired myself with a pay rise.

I'll see you in a bit.

Well, don't leave me alone with these monsters!

Gaz!

(BABIES CRYING)

(JONNY SIGHING)

- I need to find a new pub.
- I need to find a new career.

What? I thought you were going
to earn pound, pound, pounds!

Yes, I did earn pound, pound, pounds, Jonny...

£3.

Let's be honest, who's gonna pay money
for one of these ugly things?

Any normal child would be terrified of it.
It'd drive children away if anything.

I'll take it.
Come on, Brian, me and you are going for a pint.

Jonny? Where's Corinthian?

All right? Shouldn't you be at work?

No, Gaz, I should not for I have been sacked.

- What for?
- I dunno.

Maybe something to do with me stealing a van
and crashing it into some parked cars,

but that's just a guess.

Well, did me a favour.

If you're going to go out
and smash up some more cars,

I could probably put you on a commission.

And they've already replaced me.
And given the promotion, both to bloody women.

- Well, that's a good thing, innit?
- It's tokenism, that's what it is.

Oh, there was a letter come for you
from the factory this morning. Did you see it?

No. Hey! Maybe they've changed their minds.

Maybe they're going to take me back after all.
Okay...

"Dear daughter, it is so hard to write this letter

"knowing I will never see you again.

"I hope you can forgive me.

"I know you'll have a better life
with a loving family..."

(WHISPERING) Donna. Donna. Shh.

- All right, Louise?
- Oh, God, Louise, you heard that?

My own mother reaching out to me
across the decades.

I'm sorry...

(EXCLAIMS)

Basildon Bond and a fountain pen!
That reeks of cash!

I'm rich!