Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 1 - Speedycruise! - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

Bollocks!

Bollocks to bollocksing bollocksy bollocks!

And bum.

Janet! What's up?
I can't believe you said "bum", that's not like you.

Donna, don't start with all that girlie talkie crap.



We need to get home
and enjoy my penis de résistance.

The only thing your penis
has ever resisted was a wash.

- I've been offered a job, Jonny.
- Ajob?

Oh, brilliant. Means I don't have to get one.
I can bond with the baby.

My God! Where is he?

- Jonny, that's him.
- Is it?

(GURGLING)

Didn't he used to have a moustache?

Look the problem is, the job's on a cruise ship.

Speedycruise.

For three months. I mean, how can I...

This is such a heart-rending decision.

Should I stay, should I go?

And I'd have to leave you all. Leave you I would.



Janet, this is a big decision.

Biggest of your life and...

can I just say that nobody's really arsed?

And my baby, he's so helpless.

And Jonny, he's so feckless and... God!

- What do you think, Jonny?
- I'll be upstairs killing myself.

That's okay.

Yeah, I understand. It's fine.

I mean, no, no, it's fine. Honest.

All right. I'll see you later.

All right. See you, mate. Bye-bye.

That man is a bastard! I'm going to kick off
big style me, I'm telling you.

After a little sulk.

Come on, Gaz.

Did the newsagent run out of Felch Magazine?

Don't be stupid. It's his biggest seller.

Who's that effeminate fella
who follows me wherever I go

trying to get me to have a drink with him?

That's Jonny.

Now, come on, what's up?

Donna...

I'm not good enough for you.

Well, duh.

My dad's retiring, he's selling the garage,
I'm out of a job.

What?

- 80 grand he wants for it.
- 80 grand?

Bloody hell.
You could buy a small meadow for that.

Or a small meadow with oats and barley

and perhaps a corner
given to raspberries and strawberries and...

And maybe you could get a pony.

Well, you'll certainly need a plough.

Sorry, I just really want a meadow.

What am I going to do?

- Well, isn't there any way you could...
- No.

- Maybe you could...
- No.

- Couldn't you just...
- No.

Then we've explored every option.

You're unemployed, Gaz. What are we going to do?

- Well, maybe you could...
- No.

- You didn't know what I was going to say!
- Yes, I did and it was disgusting.

(GRUNTING)

Jonny, will you please stop trying to kill yourself.
It's so annoying.

I don't care. My life is finished if you leave.

Ever since we were kids, it's been me and you.

We've never spent more than a few days apart.

Except when I got stuck in that hole.

Er... we said we'd never mention Kate again.

- What are you doing?
- Well, I'm glad you ask.

I'm cutting up our wedding photos
because you're leaving me.

Jonny, they are our wedding day photos.
Our precious memories!

Hold on.
Some of these aren't even of our wedding.

No, I know. We only had a couple.

So I just went through Hello!
and decided who shouldn't be together anymore.

It's splitsville for the King of Cyprus
and his lovely bride.

But, babe, you can cope.

We've been through worse
and this really is my big break.

I mean, a cruise ship. Speedycruise.

Imagine where that could lead.

In two years' time they could be calling me
"Janet of the high seas."

Because I can hit that note.

I agree that is stunning, but... I cannot allow this.

You're my wife, you have to stay with me.

A marriage is about being together forever
against all obstacles.

Yeah and, Jonny, we will be,
but, please, I've really got to do this.

It's calling me. Listen.

Fine.

Fine, then I'm bringing out the big guns.

I'm playing the "You shagged Gaz card."

- No, Jonny, anything but that.
- Yeah.

We agreed I could use it once and once only
to get something I really, really wanted.

And I'm using it now.

Janet, you may not go on that ship

because you once let Gaz hurl his load up you.

This is the one time
you're ever going to bring it up?

- That's really how much you care?
- Yes.

Although now I am regretting not using it
for that llama I had my eye on.

Fine. Fine, I'll stay.

Really? Well, that was easy.
I'm such a good husband.

It was my dream, Jonny,
to sing on a Speedycruise cruise liner.

- I suppose I've made my bed now...
- Oh, brilliant. I'm going for a kip.

I beg your pardon?

It's 100...

It's £100,000, can you believe it?

So, I'm rich.

I'm rich.

But you're poor, so...

I'm sorry, have my Wine Gums.

I'm rich.

I'm fairly rich I tell you!

♪ My heart will go on and on

♪ And on

♪ And on a little bit longer

♪ Don't want to finish the song
'cause you're looking at me weird ♪

Okay, okay, stop. You have a beautiful voice.

Just like me.

♪ We are the chipmunks

♪ Alvin, Simon, Theodore ♪

No, I do have talent. I just need an outlet for it.
It's my dream and...

Mum...

- Did you just hear that?
- What?

Corinthian just said...

(IMITATING BABY) Mum.

Though I think what he was trying to say was...

♪ My heart will go on and on ♪

Oh! You are so talented.

Yes. Oh, come on, try this.

♪ Do re mi fa blati bo poo ♪

Come on.

Janet, I find it admirable
that you're making inept noises at your child

like some form of cave dwelling reptile.

Can you help me think of something to stick
in this get well card to my mum?

Oh, is she poorly?

Yeah, she's in hospital dying.

What?

Kilroy or Kia-Ora or... kidney failure.

Something medical. Anyway, very dull.

Louise, kidney failure? Look...

You've got to go to her.
She needs her family round her.

That's what everyone says,
but I just think cards say more.

Look.

On the front, a train.

On the inside, "Sorry for your news."

I mean, what more could I possibly say in person?

Look, Louise, if I was poorly,

the person I would most want to be near me
would be musical genius Corinthian.

- Really?
- Yes, absolutely, Louise.

Oh, didn't realise
parents actually love their children.

We do...

♪ Re mi fa so la ti do ♪

(CORINTHIAN COOING)

(BURPING)

No, no.

No, don't drink and dial, Gaz, don't drink and dial.

No, actually. Yeah, I will dial.

Dad, you're a bastard!

Oh, hiya, Gran.

Yeah, no, I...
No, I didn't actually mean he was a bastard.

Oh, he is!

No, but... no it was a different world back then,
you know, with the Blitz and all that.

Yes. Hey, don't worry yourself.

All right, love to Pops. Bye.

Gaz, Gaz! Guess what?

The money came through
from selling my mum's house.

All the money, right, it came through
and it's so, well...

You know, it's sad because she's dead and all...

But it's so cool!

Like all that money, right.
And what I was thinking was...

(HUMMING DRUM ROLL)

- What?
- And then when I'd finished thinking that,

I thought this is the end to all our problems.

What do you mean?

And you don't have to worry
about being unemployed anymore

'cause you can be my monkey, yeah.

Dance, monkey boy! Dance!

- What are you talking about?
- I said dance!

(WHOOPING)

This is brilliant! You're going to buy the garage!

No, no, no...

No, Gaz...

I'm going to buy a mobile library.

Women and their bloody whims.

"I want a career, I want a baby,
I want a mobile library."

You're all the same.

What? Look, Gaz, this is perfect.

I get my brilliant career as bucket executive
and I get to employ you

in the Donnabulibrary.

The what?

The Donnabulibrary. It's catchy, innit? Yeah.

I came up with it all by myself and
I didn't need help from marketing or nothing.

Yeah, it's brilliant that.

- But I don't want to run a mobile library, I'm not...
- You're not what?

You have no job,
you got no means of supporting yourself.

- And I have power, power I tells you!
- But I don't want to run...

And, Gaz,
and didn't you sleep with my best friend once,

even though we promised
never to mention it again?

Yep.

- You can stop that nostalgic smiling.
- Okay.

So won't you, Gaz Wilkinson,
be a grateful little bunny

and come and work for me in the Donnabulibrary?

Thought I was a monkey, not a bunny.

What... Dance, monkey bunny! Dance!

Go on! Yeah.

Gaz, you can stop now, it's just embarrassing.

- God, it's slack in here.
- Yeah, business does seem a little quiet.

I wasn't talking about the pub.

I'm a prime example of modern-day manhood, me.

Janet wanted to take
this stupid singing job on a cruise ship.

Well, I clipped them wings proper style
and stamped on her inner pigeon.

See, that's what Donna is doing to me.
A mobile library! Well, it's so... iniquitous.

What?

See, it's starting already! The books are coming.
The big words are after me.

Well, it's... it's vexatious, rebarbative even.

You know...

- My dad clipped my mum's wings.
- Oh, God, I love the institution of marriage.

Yeah. When they first got wed,
she wanted a job at the laundrette.

She wanted to better herself, you know.

She'd seen EastEnders and seen
the glamorous lives those women lead there.

Hmm! Yeah, that blonde piece is fit.

If I was Martin Fowler, I'd relish the day
I came shooting out of that birth canal.

So my dad stopped her for the good of the family.

Well, quite right, too. So, she's a housewife, then?

No. She's a prostitute.

A role model for many young businesswomen.

And she can make up to and over £4 a night
if she has enough clients.

What? A prossie?

Janet!

He's so fractious!

Oh, fractious!

♪ La ti fla blah ♪

Come on.

Oh please, Corinthian, be a musical genius.

Maybe I should try a bit of Mozart.

Fine, I know no Mozart.

Oh, come on, please, out with it.
I can tell you're going to sing something.

(BURPING)

Was that an aria?

Of your own composition! Oh, you are a genius!

Oh, Louise, guess what Corinthian just did?

- Thank you very much, Janet.
- Okay.

- Yeah, thanks a big bunch.
- My pleasure.

Yeah, thank you a bucket load.

If you're being genuine, I'm sorry,
but it's coming across a little bit sarcastic.

I went to visit the mother in hospital.

I'm sorry. Was it upsetting?

I thought it might be. Are you okay?

First off, she didn't eat the grapes I bought her.

Said they were made of wax, whatever that means.

I went all the way to Ikea for those.
Ungrateful cow!

Aw, I think you're just covering up the pain
of seeing your mum being ill.

Oh, God, no. That was fine.

Oh, what she said to me about her disease.

Oh, Louise.

- Is it not good news?
- No, it's not.

- Is she...
- Yes, she is.

She's asking for my help.

Oh...

Well, maybe you should help her.

She said it's the only thing that'll save her.

Complete emotional blackmail if you ask me.

Louise, she's a mother.
She'd never use emotional blackmail.

And you are going to sing, aren't you, Corinthian?

Sing.

Sing or mummy won't love you!

Oh, God! What have I done? What have I become?

I suppose, I mean, she did give birth to me.

Least I can do is give her my kidney.

She needs your kidney? Louise, that's terrible.

A kidney. Oh, God, imagine.

I'm going to be scarred.

The incision is this big.

- But that's like an inch.
- I know.

I might as well be that Elephant Man.

You know, Babar.

Look, Lou, it's just one of the things
you have to do to be a family.

We all have to sacrifice something
to live a good life.

You a kidney.
Me, my hopes and my dreams and my elasticity.

Still can't crack a walnut.

I'll go back to the hospital, see if I'm a match.

My magnanimity knows no bounds.

Yeah, I bet yours can still crack a walnut.

Janet! You are not going to be a cheap hooker!

You're not! You're not! You're not! You are not!

Donna!

You can't treat me like this. It's egregious.

- What?
- I'm not a Donnabulibrarian.

No. I'm a mechanic, a skilled mechanic.

I can fix nearly anything you throw at me.
Please don't throw anything at me.

But I have loads and loads of money
and money brings power.

Listen, listen... ker-ching.

Now, dance, monkey boy! Dance!

No!

I am a mechanic!
I'm a bloody good one, too, and I like it!

Yeah, but you'll like working
in the Donnabulibrary even better.

No, I wouldn't! Not in a million years.

When was the last time you saw me with a book?

You picked up Harry Potter last week.

Only because Hermione's become legal.

It's Charlotte Church all over again.

Oh, please, Donna.

Don't make me work with books, please.

- Really?
- Really, please.

You know, I... I'd rather be unemployed.

I'd rather be a waster. I'd rather be Jonny.

Jesus! That is bad.

- Well, I had no idea you felt like that.
- Yeah, well, I do.

Well, okay, I'll do it, Gaz.

I'll buy the garage.

Or a meadow.

No, I'll buy the garage.

Don't be a prostitute! Don't be a prostitute!
Don't be a prostitute!

I swear to God, Jonny,
this had better not be reverse psychology.

It's not.

Although I would utterly hate
an egg butty round about now.

- Don't be a prostitute!
- Okay.

I'm going to let you spread your wings, Janet,
so you don't have to spread your legs.

- You may take the job on the cruise ship.
- What?

Well, I don't want to be the one
to crush your dreams.

So you may take the singing job.

Oh, I may, may I?

May, is it?

I may take this job on the liner?

I can go and follow my dreams
because Jonny says I may.

Yes. You may.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Have it, Corinthian, you talentless has-been!

- On one condition.
- Anything. I will do anything.

I'm coming with you.

I'm going to get doped up on lemons
to avoid scurvy.

I'm going to watch Captain Pugwash
to acclimatise.

And look, I've already got my sea legs.
Watch, watch.

Okay, I feel a bit sick.

Oh, Jonny, really? You'll come with?
Oh, it's going to be brilliant!

They've got crèche facilities for Corinthian
and you will make a really great cabin boy.

A galley slave?

- A pirate.
- You know me so well!

Aaaarrr!

You what?

Aaaarrr, Jim lad!

What?

Land! Over there.

Aaaarrr!

And once again, what?

I'm being a pirate. It's me new job.

But you do know piracy isn't actually a job, Jonny?

That's right. It's a calling.

Aaaarrr!

No, I mean...

Janet's the one with the real job.
She's the one running your life

and having all the money and the control.

Aaaarrr!

You know, I don't know how I'm going to cope
with Donna running the garage. I don't.

What you have to do with women
is let them think they're in charge.

- Right.
- So you do whatever they say for a bit

and then, when they're lulled
into a false sense of security...

Yeah.
...curl up into a ball and cry like a child.

That's no good!

I feel like...

Like castrated, you know, and not in a good way.

Just do as I say, Gaz. I'm telling you it works.

Jonny, you owe the bar a tenner
from last week's tab.

(IMITATING CHILD CRYING)

Fine. Look, you can have until Friday.

If he didn't have mental health issues,
I swear I'd not stand for it.

Oh, Lou, how did it go at the hospital?

Oh, you know, awful for me.

Oh, poor you.

In more interesting news, I'm so excited!
And so is Corinthian and so is Jonny.

Janet of the High Seas.

I get the results back later today.

Then I'll find out
whether they're going to take my cool, cool kidney

and shove it in a big fat back.

Oh. Don't be daft. It's a good thing you're doing.

And I'll never bag a surgeon now.

Who's going to want to marry a woman
you've already been inside with a pair of callipers?

Jonny married me.

I don't even want to go back to the hospital.
It's only my benevolent nature that's making me.

Jesus! Will you two shut up!
I'm trying to buy a garage here.

Oh! I'm really going to miss you,
my dear, dear angry bitch.

And you, my beloved squeaky little twat rag.

Come on, group hug.

- Oh, she's so far away.
- Yeah, I know.

- Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready?
- Almost. Just one more thing.

- Is that Corinthian's?
- No, it's Jonny's.

I'm going to see the world.
I'm going to have a girl in every port.

I'm going to eat so many winkles
and be so popular,

I'll have seamen coming out of me ears.

Is he joking?

No, the crew are allowed
to masturbate in your ears apparently.

Excuse me, where's his passport?

- Who?
- The baby, madam.

He doesn't have one. He's only yay big.

- We were going to stick him in the hold.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, without a passport,
he can't get on the ship.

But...

Well... Jonny!

(GASPING) What do we...

Janet, it's okay.

I'll stay with our child.

I'll stay with Corinthian.

- You follow your dream.
- Okay, cool. Bye.

Yes, you fly, my darling.
You reach the highest mountain.

- You touch the brightest...
- JANET: Okay, bye!

Star.

I know. I know, Dad. Yeah.

She really is the perfect woman.

I loved her in that Miss Congeniality, me, eh?

Yeah, Donna's not so bad either, is she?

Yeah.

All right, Dad. Well, I'll see you in a bit. Okay.
Bye-bye.

God, I hate that bastard!

Right, you. On your knees and polish my trotters.

Yes, dear. And may I say you have all the power

and you are in complete control
of our relationship.

I know.

Look at you, eh, employee.

- Colleague.
- Staff.

- Co-worker.
- Hired help.

- Partner.
- Slave.

- But Jonny said that...
- Right. Dance, monkey boy! Dance!

- What?
- Go on.

Funk it, work it, yeah.

(IMITATING CHILD CRYING)

Gaz? What's the matter?

Have I gone too far?

Have I emasculated you? I'm sorry. Don't cry.

- I'll do anything.
- Anything?

Yeah, even that. I'll get the shackles.

Master of cunning!

Janet!

Janet Keogh, light of my life
and damp on my tissue.

How the devil are you?

Tommy. Oh, it's so good to see a friendly face.

- I'm so nervous.
- No need. No need at all to be nervous.

You've got Tommy looking after you now, girl.

- As I said to Fiona Phillips only the other day.
- You know Fiona Phillips?

When I get sad, I talk to me telly.

- Now, you'll be wanting to see your costume.
- Oh! I get a costume!

This is just like The X Factor.
Only I get a costume.

Here we go, gorgeous.

Is it a ball gown? Is it a cocktail dress? Is it?

Obviously, once you've started the performance,
you'll be taking it off.

Will you be needing a wax?
Juan from housekeeping is amazing.

I'm entirely silken from here to here.

And then he asked if I needed a wax.

I mean...
When have you ever known me to have a wax?

Never.

It's like, neither of us are working,
so we're never going to have any money.

And I love money.

Excuse me?

I have a thriving smallholding
with a number of potential investors.

- Are you talking about your ant farm?
- Obviously.

Look, Janet, we'll manage. We always do.

It's not like we're a young jobless couple
with no qualifications,

no prospects and a young baby to look after.

- That's exactly what we are.
- I know.

We're doomed, Janet. Doomed!

- Help me.
- Lou, how did it go? Are you okay?

No, no, I'm really not.

I went back to the hospital
to see what they said about being a donor.

- Oh?
- I'm not compatible.

Oh, well, isn't that good?
For you, I mean, not for your mum.

She faces certain death.

Mum said...

Mum told me... I'm adopted.

Like an orphan.

Well, not like an orphan,
'cause they're not necessarily adopted.

Rather like an adoptee.