Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 14 - Near, Far - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

♪ Near, far

♪ Wherever you are...

♪ Doo di da doo di-do-do

♪ Doo da di-da-doo... ♪

Jonny! You'll be late for your interview!



♪ I got my lovely crunchy biscuits

♪ Hell, I'm gonna say it again
case you missed it

♪ I ain't dunking no girl like a biscuit

♪ I ain't gonna change
so don't try to twist it... ♪

- Are you excited?
- Hell, yeah.

You're gonna get
this biscuit factory job, Jonny.

I've got a job interview today too.
I'm gonna be a pub singer.

A pub singer? Like Lesley Garrett?

Get a move on
if you want to get to Stockport on time.

Oh, meant to ask...
Where exactly is Stockport?

- You don't know?
- No idea. By your Mum's?

- It's the other side of Manchester.
- Oh.

Oh! I'd best get a move on, then.

- Love you.
- You too.



- Janet?
- Yes.

Where exactly is Manchester?

I can't believe you put an offer
in on the house.

Are you angry?

I didn't know you could use the phone
for more than "Pub? Aye. Bye."

- I did it for you, Donna.
- I realise that.

I love you for it, but what about?

You know... Them.

They'll just have to get over it.

I know. It's perfect. But I can't...

- Baa!
- Jesus! Shit!

I can't have that.

I've never thought of Liverpool
as a style Mecca before

cos of all the Scousers.

Your job as a stylist to the stars
of Hollyoaks has shown me the way.

I would love to style you. You're gorgeous.

Oh, Mick. You're just perfect, aren't you?

Well... yeah.

Louise... I want you to come with me
to Liverpool tonight.

I want to introduce you to...

Les Dennis.

But I wanted you to meet my friends,

to show them how to worship me correctly.

- Aah!
- Ow!

- Les Dennis!
- Aah! My friends!

- Aah! Les!
- Aah! Friends!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Such a great noise, isn't it?

Can I take these out now?

- I can't wait to see it again.
- Come on, then. Come on.

- What the hell is that?
- It's a present. I made it at the garage.

(Metallic ding)

Oh...

I'll take it to the dump.

Do you know what? I wish Stig was a real boy.

OK. Let's practise our Knowsley voices.

(Suavely) I'm Gary.

(Poshly) And I'm Donna.

Donna and Gaz sound Runcorn.
We need Knowsley names.

I'm Keith. Ha.

And I too am Keith. Ha.

- Shall we check the schools?
- What for? Oh, for the Lollipop Man.

OK. Let's go. Are you gonna be OK?

With the Lollipop Man? Yeah. I'm
big enough to fend off his advances.

No. With the...

- Baa!
- Will you stop doing that?

Actually, I've made a decision.

I'll never go outside alone, look through
the window or answer the door.

Sheep can't ring doorbells.

Of course they can't.
They get the goats to do that.

Yea-a-a-a-a-aah!

(Whoops and cheers)

Come on. What's the matter with you?

- They're out there, Donna.
- They can't hurt you.

I can feel 'em.

Near.

They're all around us, like death.

I see dead sheep.

Gaz, you're embarrassing me.
Try and make it to the house.

Cover me.

They're not here. You're just hearing things.

Shh.

(Bleats)

Gaz!

♪ ...in my heart and

♪ My heart will...

♪ Go on and on! ♪

Oh, yes, it will.

Can I take these out yet?

Um... So what did you think?

I loved it. You shat on Jane McDonald.

Thank you.

Based on that, it's safe to say,
welcome to Speedy Cruise.

It's a life on the ocean wave for you.

- A cruise ship?
- Mm.

I thought I'd just be doing karaoke round here.

And waste that talent?
I'm gonna make you a star -

amongst the widows and diabetic community
whom we target.

- But I've got a baby.
- Where?

He's with his gran but I brought
the basket to give you a clue.

You've nothing to worry about.

All Speedy Cruise ships have a crèche
staffed by fully-qualified spinsters.

So, um... Which cruise ship
do you think I'll be most suited to?

You'd be an Egypt or a Maldives.

I'll send you the details in a few days.

But Egypt... That's nowhere near Runcorn.

And the Maldives? What is a Maldive?

You'll see when you get there.
I'm not letting one like you go.

Mwah! Mwah!

It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

Is it? It is, isn't it?

Oh. OK, I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'm going to Maldivia!

God, you noisy knob.

(Bleating)

Gaz! Help!

I can't, Donna.

You're knee-deep in sheep.

♪ Near, far

♪ Wherever you are

♪ Blah bli blah blah blah-blah-blah

♪ Blah blah... blah... ♪

- Scary.
- Louise... Darling...

I'm having a party to celebrate.
I'm going to be a superstar.

Amongst widows and diabetics.

Oh. Like Michael Parkinson.

No, darling. I'm the Queen of the High Seas.

"Janet Keogh - Voice of Brine."

Step, step, shimmy.

Jonny's had his job interview,

Donna and Gaz have got their new house,

and you're here, so I thought I'd invite you.

Do come. We're having kebab.

I have news. I have a new boyfriend.

Oh. Louise, darling. That's fabulous.

I can't wait to meet him and sing to him.

"Ladies and diabetics, here for
your listening pleasure, Janet Keogh."

No. That's a bit un-showbiz. "Janet..." No.

"Janetta Keora."

Mick's a stylist to the stars...

of Hollyoaks.

Please don't be mental, lovey. Stylist indeed.

He is a stylist. And he's going to make
me a star - although not of Hollyoaks.

- Those people are so generic.
- That's what Mick says.

I can't wait to meet your made-up boyfriend.

Oh, here he is now.

Hello, love. Mwah! Mwah!

Pleasant to meet you.

(Bleating)

Gaz! Please! I can't escape!

- There's too many of them.
- Try anything, Gaz. Please!

- When did throwing a pasty ever work?
- It's all I had!

Look, Donna, look!
They're moving towards the pasty.

I can come and get you.

Aagh!

You've got to come. They think
you don't exist. They think I'm mental.

OK. Just for a bit though.

After that I'm off.
Instead of being in some dive,

I could be at the Sound Engineers'
Dinner at the Adelphi.

Oh, Mick! Take me to Liverpool.

The faraway dream
that always seemed out of reach.

It's 17 minutes away on the train.

- Just out of reach.
- Or half an hour on the bus.

An impossible dream! Take me, Mick.

Seriously, Mick, will you just take
the squeaky twat?

- Gaz!
- There's just too many of them.

- Gaz!
- They've got the power.

Help me! I never realised before.
Look at the eyes!

The eyes!

♪ Bringing in the sheep
bringing in the sheep

♪ What do we do before we sleep?

♪ We bring in all the sheep... ♪

Please, Gaz!

- Gaz!
- It's shepherding time.

♪ Near... far

♪ And loo loo li-la... ♪

God, I wish I knew the lyrics.

♪ You got what it takes

♪ You bring the Dodgers
don't stop me from being your date... ♪

Jonny! How did it go?

You're looking at a man
with a job in a biscuit factory.

Hey! Brilliant. I knew you'd do it.
How was the train?

What, there was a train there?
I was hitchhiking.

I was nearly a trucker's bitch.

Um... Jonny. I've got something
important I need to talk to you about.

- Is it about the singing job?
- Yes.

My beautiful voice has been recognised.

- Well, that's brilliant.
- Is it? It is, isn't it?

Yeah. I'm dead happy for you.

- Thank God. I was really...
- A bit of light music in the Archer.

You singing, me drinking.
It's like Sonny and Cher.

- There's more to it than that.
- What? More than just pub singing?

Are you incorporating magic tricks
into your act?

Like when you make a whole penis disappear.

Jonny, we've been through this. That's
not a trick. That's called Deep Throat.

- So what is it then?
- It's... It's...

It's five o'clock. I'm a career girl now.

I'll be in a bar down town
for drinks with my sassy pals.

- (Bleating)
- Quick, Gaz!

Do something! They're becoming feral!

Fuck...

the...

sheep!

(# Romantic orchestral theme)

Oh, Gaz... They were...

- They were...
- I know, Donna.

They were, weren't they?

(Doorbell)

Janet, I've had some exciting news.

This is bigger than the time I saw
Bob Monkhouse in Leigh-on-Sea.

Pretended not to know me. Big kidder.

Exciting news? Really?
Will you stay for my party?

I can easily split my kebab.

There's no time. A ship needs a singer.
Sails from Plymouth tomorrow.

Speedy Cruise needs you on that ship.

- Tomorrow?
- The singer's got gout.

I haven't even told Jonny yet.

It's for a month. Please say yes, Janet.

- But...
- You're going to be huge, Janet.

I don't mean fat huge.
I mean Ruth Madoc huge.

Bitch won't take my calls. So what do you say?

- I'm going to be huge?
- Yeah.

I am, aren't I? Oh, shit.

OK. OK, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Yes. And when you are,
don't forget your old mate Tommy.

- Who's Tommy?
- And so it begins.

I'll get a move on
before Nice & Cruisey hear of you.

- OK. Bye.
- (Baby cries)

It's just until they've seen you
and are sufficiently impressed.

Then we can set off for Liverpool.
Across the water, beyond the bridge.

The realm of impossible hope
and unattainable happiness.

It's just there!

I know, but it seems so far
when I've been stuck in Runcorn.

You see, big fishes in little ponds.
You're exceptional here.

I am, aren't I?

I can't wait to show Liverpool how great I am.

I always knew I was destined to be big.

Do you think it'll be instant success
or a slow build of deserved fame?

It took me six years to get the job of
sweat blotter on North West Tonight.

But I'm not even showbiz - despite my ego.

And don't open your gob or you'll
get me thrown out of the big pond.

My gob is my tool. I can't be a little fish.

I'm a big fish. I'm Flipper.

- Yeah, you are. Flipper's not a fish.
- Aah!

- McCartney will set Heather on you.
- Aah!

You can squeak in Runcorn,

but you can't squeak at the launch
of Atomic Kitten's fragrance.

- They won't put up with it.
- Aah!

- You've gone ultra-sonic, Louise!
- Aah!

(Piercing squeak)

Louise, what the hell was that noise?
Corinthian went cross-eyed.

Oh, you know... just me being mental.
Mental old Louise.

Oh, come here.

- All right, Kelly?
- What?

All right, Gadaffi?

Oh. It's a long and fleecy story.
How did your job interview go?

I nailed it.

The first 15 seconds is enough to give
an impression that'll last a lifetime.

- What did you do?
- I fell over.

But they seemed to like my style.

How did you manage to fall over?

I didn't "manage" to.
It wasn't a challenge I'd set myself.

I happened to. I occasioned on falling.

It was an incident of trippery
that no one could have foresaw.

- Within 15 seconds of meeting them?
- First impressions count. Clowns do it.

- Clowns don't work in factories.
- I was a bit disappointed in that, too.

- So you walked in and fell over?
- Yup.

So how, in any way, shape or form,
do you think you nailed it?

Well, after I'd got up and asked
for a hanky to stem the bleeding...

- You were bleeding?
- Yeah. Only from my face.

- So what happened?
- We began the interview proper.

They asked me why I wanted the job,
all the usual stuff.

- Yeah.
- I answered eloquently and succinctly.

I would be a valuable asset
to the company. All that bollocks.

Then they asked me not to say bollocks.

Wait... So you fell over, bled and swore?

How in God's name
do you think you nailed this job?

Well, right... As I was leaving,
the fella that was there...

I'd not noticed him because I'd been
staring at the female one's tits.

I suddenly realised he liked the cut of my jib.

Job nailed.

Oh, well. You with your new job,
me with my new house.

- You will come and stay?
- It's not gonna happen, is it?

You'll get in with all your poncey
new Knowsley mates and forget all about me.

- I won't do that.
- Come on.

"Jeff" with his turbo diesel?

"Frank" with his pet horse?
I can't compete with that.

Always wanted a friend called Jeff.

I think we all have to face it...
We're all moving on.

This is the end of it all, Gaz.

We won't see each other any more.

Yeah, you're right. You are right.

You know, I don't think I...

Er... good.

So, er... When do you start your job?

Probably next week.

I'll find out later.
That'll be me, eh? Nine to five.

Monday to Friday.

48 weeks a year...

less bank holidays.

A proper job.

A proper...

I don't think I want...

(Manly coughing)

- Pint.
- Yeah.

Two pints, please.

You know... I'm proud of you, man.

I'm proud of you
for being brave enough to leave.

- Yeah. Leaving Runcorn.
- Getting a job.

- It's the end of an era, man.
- Yeah.

To be sure.

- I don't wanna move to Knowsley.
- I don't wanna work!

So how's the new house?

I hate it. It's full of wool.

What? But I thought you loved it.

You were beginning a new life.
You can't back out.

I can't live there and I don't know
how to tell Gaz. He loves it.

Now I have to piss on his tits.

(Phone)

Hello? No, he's not. Can I take a message?

What? Why not?

What was wrong with the cut
of his jib, exactly?

Hello?

God. That was the biscuit factory.
Jonny didn't get the job.

Oh, no. He's going to be so disappointed.

Oh, God. Louise?
You're not moving on, are you?

- Bugger off!
- (Mobile bleeps)

Bugger off!

- Who was that?
- My pretend boyfriend. He's a stylist.

Course he is, mental old Louise.

- Janet, I...
- Donna, I...

- Gaz, I...
- Jonny, I...

No one says "Louise, I..." Bloody typical!

Gaz, I'm sorry to do this
but I can't move to Knowsley. It's just...

Baa! I can't live in that house.

Well... How could you?
I was looking forward to...

You've got some making up to do.
Be prepared to bend over backwards.

And forwards...

Wiggle about a bit.

Gaz.

I can't stand that shit hole either!

- Jonny, the biscuit factory phoned.
- Oh, no.

- You didn't get it.
- Oh, yes!

- What?
- Well, Gaz and Donna aren't moving...

I'm not getting a job
and Louise is still mental.

- Let's keep things the way they are.
- Oh...

(Phone)

- Shall I get that?
- No. No, I'll get it.

Hello?

(# My Heart Will Go On)

♪ Every night in my dreams

♪ I see you, I feel you... ♪

- It's me that got you shot.
- Gaz!

Janet!

I told Jonny
about me and Janet sleeping together.

I know what happened.

- We'll make it through this.
- I want you to forgive me and Gaz.

- We're having a baby.
- Janet's having your baby.

Shit!

I am so turned on.

Take me right now.

Janet... Will you marry me?

- My God.
- Have you seen Jonny?

- This is the best ever!
- Have you seen Janet?

You can't throw everything away.

Bang on the back of the cab.

I said "cab".

- Cheese!
- Get your box out.

Ooh!

How does a baby
come out of something so small?

Small? You think a lot of yourself.

If I don't pull through,
raise him as if he was your own.

No!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Forgive them, Lord.

Slap.

- Get Jonny.
- I love you.

And that's my... That's my family.

I'll see you in an hour.