Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 13 - LOVE 83199 - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

Pull yourselves together, the pair of you!

We can't.

This is supposed to be a joyous time.

Whoever heard of anyone getting
depressed after giving birth?

Go and see the doctor.



- Gaz, why are all the lights on?
- Because of the...

- Ow!
- Yeah. Because that happens.

That's it, Gaz. This place
is a deathtrap. I want our own place.

This is our own place. It's not that bad.

- I'll be at the estate agent's.
- What?

Sorry, girls.

Arthur, get back down in that cellar.
I've not finished with you yet.

Milkman? No.

Driver? No.

Piano for sale?
I could be a piano for sale.

- Are you looking for a job?
- Yup. I finally found the motivation.

Strangely, it was around the same time
Janet found postnatal depression.

- Are the property pages in there?
- Yup. Here you go.

What are you doing?
I could have used them.



- What for?
- Improving my reading age.

Chucklevision has absolutely
no educational value any more.

Unless you count
learning how to look like a paedophile.

I've got to hide
all property for sale from Donna.

- She wants to move?
- Yeah, but I just...

I don't want to give up the flat.
There's so many memories...

of so many mammaries.

Health care? Not with my hygiene.

Sewerage worker?
Not with my hygiene.

- Sheep shearer...
- Sheep shearer?

It's a brave bloke who tangles
with those bleating fleecy bastards.

(Excited grunting)

Kelly, lager's gone bad again.

Yeah. I've had Arthur over a barrel
in the cellar all morning.

He has a weak bladder.

(Phone beeps)

Shoo!

- (Sobs)
- This is useless.

We've looked at every house
in Runcorn and they're all spew.

Who cares when my life is over?

This one sounds good. "Charming,
extremely well built and large..."

Oh, that's the personals.

Why would a man describe himself
as "cottagey"?

I have so many hormones
and they all hate me.

And I'm so unattractive. Jonny says
he'll love me no matter what,

but he's not gonna put up with these
huge milky breasts for ever, is he?

- I think you underestimate him.
- (Phone beeps)

Ah, I'm so in love.

It's like all the awful things
in the world have disappeared.

Marmite, famine, the Bedingfields.

- They just don't exist to me any more.
- Yeah. But who is he?

I have absolutely no idea. Ta-ra.

I'd better go too.
I've got to go and see this one.

This time "AMC" might
actually mean "All Mod Cons",

rather than "A Madman's Craphole".

You can't leave me. If you leave, I'll cry.

You're already crying.

I can't help it. I'm postnatal
and lactational... and a bit hungry.

(Excited grunting)

- What?
- Mmmm, Janet!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Gaz? Gaz! I've found it.
I've found the perfect place for us.

- No.
- No?

No...
No doubt about it, Easter is smashing.

- I'm booking us an appointment.
- I'm busy that day.

I haven't told you when it is.

I'm usually a very busy man.
I have a lot of hobbies.

I'm looking into falconry.

I've got a really good feeling about this

and it's not like the good feeling I get
when I put my tongue on a battery.

What about...

So many memories.

- Gaz, what are you doing?
- Eh?

Why do you keep stroking things?

It's just... I'll miss this place.
I don't want to move.

Come off it. Look... Just imagine us
with an Aga and some cats on it.

I'm not eating cats.

Your slippers by the open fire and me
sorting through the bills at the oak table

before throwing them
onto the open fire.

- It'd be brilliant.
- No, it wouldn't.

And you, with your own pool table...

- Where do I sign?
- I'll book an appointment now.

We can get Sky. I can't wait
to find out what's on BBC3.

- Just one thing worries me.
- Yeah?

It's not in Runcorn.

- What?
- Hello? Yes.

I'm calling about the property...
Yes, it's Donna Henshall.

I think I'm going to miss you most of all.

(Excited grunting)

Jonny, you've been doing that
for four hours. Please!

- Do you want me to call the doctor?
- No. Just... just read.

The jobs? Oh, great.

So you're moving on too
and I'm going to be stuck here

like a big stretch mark
on the stomach of a big Janet.

- Biscuit! Biscuit!
- You want a biscuit?

We'd all like a biscuit, Jonny,
but some of us are too sad.

Read! Read!

What? "Biscuit factory.

"Trainee required for stock control,
supervision and quality regulation."

- Oh, my God.
- Me, job! Jonny, job!

Jonny! This job's in Stockport.
We live in Runcorn.

But it's calling to me, Janet.

Like a siren.

Nee-naw! Nee-naw! Nee-naw!

It'd be useless even applying.
We'd have to move and we can't afford it.

And I'm so rubbish and
you're so stupid and my life's over.

And yada yada yada.

Jonny, it just feels like everything's
changing and I've been left behind.

Donna and Gaz are moving,
Louise has a new phone...

- I'm stuck here, just someone's mum.
- Whose?

- Corinthian's.
- Oh, him.

It feels like I'm going to be trapped
here being your trophy wife.

You're not a trophy wife.

- Really?
- You don't have the breeding.

Ohhh...

(Sobs)

No, no... No, Janet. Look...

What were your ambitions
before you began to... stagnate?

My ambitions?

Anything you wanna do,
we'll find a way.

As long as the answer isn't,
"Yet more bloody crying."

There is one thing.
Something that I've always wanted.

- Go on.
- Well, I've always wanted to go to...

Please say Stockport.

No. I've always wanted
to go to the Gobi desert.

- Why?
- I just have.

It sounds cool. "Gobi".

We can't do that.
Try something closer to home.

Fine! I've always wanted to sit
in this room watching boring telly,

making egg butties for you
and being a milk machine to a baby

who takes after some sort of turtle
in the jaw department!

Well, that we can do.

Fine then! If you're all moving on,
I'll find something that I'm good at.

- Then you'll see.
- That's the spirit.

Did I hear someone
mention an egg butty?

(Whimpers)

(Bleeps)

Oh, you.

Sorry? Is this seat taken?

I think it's fairly obvious that it is.

- OK, fer-reak!
- (Squeals)

Louise? I've found it.

I've found the perfect place.
Me and Gaz are viewing it later.

- Do you want to come?
- Can't you see I'm on a date?

Oh. Well done. I'll get out your way.

Not with that fer-reak.

With my phone.

- What's going on?
- I think it's obvious I've fallen in love.

If you can't handle it,
you're just jealous.

How did you two meet?

Oh, we love this story. I'll tell her.

I bought him from a shop and when
I charged him there was a message.

"Someone fancies you. To find
out who, send 'love' to 83199."

Et voilà. Perfect
pocket-sized polyphonic partner.

Well, that's just a con and...
it's a phone!

And he's got a gorgeous singing voice.

(# Crazy Frog ringtone)

Aaah!

- (Door bangs)
- (Donna) Hello?

Look at this place. Wow.

I know. A candle.

I can tell by your biscuity aroma
that you have seduction on your mind.

Why, yes. Beginning
with an intimate dinner for two.

For starters, we have beer à la can.

- That's a can of lager to you and me.
- Tasty.

For mains, we have croque monsieur
oeuf. That's egg butty to you and me.

Très chic.

Followed by dodgia à la jam.

- That's Jammie...
- Yes, I get it.

- Good to see you back to your old self.
- I know.

I feel like saying "Tra" and "La"
and then "La" again. I'm so happy.

Is it a gorgeous new house? That's
what's made me happy. Look at this.

Rustic charm at an affordable price.

No. It's not buying a new house.
It's having another baby.

Donna, I'm going
to get pregnant again.

How could I leave you, bed?

We've had so much fun together.

Eh? Remember that dream
we had about a crow?

So many memories.

And all the women I've done on you.

Donna and...

God! I thought
I was more experienced than that.

I'm so sorry I didn't get you
more dampness.

One more for the road, eh?

- (Door slams)
- Gaz? Hello?

Kelly, you can't barge into someone's
house? What if I'd been naked?

What a disappointment.
So when are you moving out?

- I'm not moving out.
- You are. Donna said.

I thought if you were moving out,
then I could take this place over.

You keep the tenancy
and I get to use it for my hobby.

- Sex isn't a hobby.
- Yeah, it is.

It's like stamp collecting.
I get to lick stuff.

And It's like knitting
cos I have to use needles.

And it's like train spotting
cos I get to wear a cagoule.

So you'll send me a form? Great.

Yes. It's Keogh. It's easy to remember.

"Ke" with an "ogh" on the end.

OK. Thank you. Bye.

Oh-ho-ho.

Egg butties. Would I be right
in thinking you're up for a bit of...

can't think of a euphemism,
so I'll say "shag".

Why, yes. For afters,
we have Jammie Dodgers,

which means extra energy for the old...

can't think of a euphemism,
so I'll say "sperm".

A word you probably don't want to hear
before eating undercooked egg. Sorry.

Sorry. But I will make it up to you.

♪ Dooby dooby doo

♪ Dooby dooby doo... ♪

Oh-ho!

Whoa-ho! My perfect scenario.

A slutty butty. I'll get the condom.

No, no, no. I want to ride bareback.

(# Hums Black Beauty theme)

I've missed slutty old Janet.

You don't want to take
the morning-after pill.

- Then you can just pull out.
- Yeah. Like that's going to happen.

Then we'll take our chances.

If I do get pregnant,
Corinthian gets a little playmate

and I get my role in life - Mummy.

Are you trying to get pregnant again?

I don't seem to be good at much else.

I've got no job, no friends
and this one will definitely be yours.

Oh, shit.

Right. Great. Marvellous.
Frigging superlative.

- Jonny, I didn't mean...
- Just don't.

This isn't easy for me. You don't
know what I've been thinking.

But I know what I've been thinking -
how big Gaz's knob is.

And if his sperm's better than mine.

And if Corinthian grows up to love
Uncle bastard Gaz better than me.

That's what I've been thinking.

That's why I'm trying to be better.

That's why I need this stupid interview
in stupid Stockport, OK?

OK. But his knob was too massive
and yours is nice and dinky...

Last thing I need to hear.

Jonny, I'll support this interview
thing and I won't get pregnant.

Corinthian loves you. He's yours.

Probably not is the thing though,
isn't it?

Probably not.

God, I've been postnatal. I'd not thought.
I didn't care how you were feeling.

- I don't want to talk about this again.
- Why not?

I don't see why you don't hate me.
I would.

I'd kick me in the tits if I was sure
a Milky Bar wouldn't come flying out.

Why don't you hate Gaz?

I don't know.

He makes it easier.

- And I don't?
- No, you don't.

This postnatal thing, Janet,
I can't stand it.

I'll go to the doctor. I'll get fixed.

I'm sorry.

(Sniffs)

Are you wearing Eau de Dodger?

- Yeah.
- Do you mind if I cry while we shag?

No, not at all.
As long as I can do Black Beauty.

(# Hums Black Beauty theme)

(Giggling)

I didn't think I'd like being this far
out of Runcorn, but it's perfect.

- This is our house.
- I told you you'd like it.

Can you see yourself living here?

I really could. It's weird,
but I can see us building a life here.

You know, making a little garden

or getting some chickens
or horses or...

(Bleating)

Her name's Louise.
She's completely frigid.

Myself, I'm an open book.

One that needs colouring in, if you
get my drift. In Crayola. Eh? Eh?

Not in the slightest, fer-reak!

- (Phone bleeps)
- Ah.

"The credit on your account is low."
You tell me such interesting things.

Ah! I think you'll find that
wasn't your property, dear.

And, yes,
I do mean "dear" sarcastically.

I think you'll find that
you're a mental little fer-reak, gorgeous.

- And I meant "gorgeous" genuinely.
- Ah!

- Really?
- No, you're a fer-reak!

- Jesus. Hear you go on that piece.
- Aah!

I'm so happy you love the place.

You have no idea how worried I was about
what you'd think.

I've gone off that place.
Let's stay here, eh?

What? But this was
supposed to be our new life.

You loved that place.
"Our place", that's what you called it.

I want to stay here now. I love
this place. It's mine. It spells "Gaz".

Because you write your name
on things, including me!

- Why won't you give the place up?
- You've never given up anything.

- I'll give up anything you want.
- OK. Smoking. Hah!

I gave up smoking
when Janet was pregnant.

Haven't you noticed
I don't taste of turd any more?

Yes. Exactly! Hah! Exactly.

You gave up smoking, so the least
I can do is give up the flat!

Bollocks!

How many times
do you want to lose me?

I don't. I don't at all.

Then why do you want to live here
when today, you really loved that place?

I saw you eyeing
that cubbyhole in the bedroom.

It's where I would have kept my porn.

You asked if he'd be leaving the fridge.

It's where I would have kept my porn.

- So what changed?
- Donna, look...

When we went outside...

Christ, woman, didn't you see them? They
were everywhere!

- Who?
- The sheep! Hundreds of them.

- Hundreds?
- Well, one. But you know what I'm like.

Please. can we look for somewhere else?

I did see it, come to think. I just
forgot how scared of them you were.

Their little docked tails and their
braying bleating cries and their fluffy...

Please... Please make it stop.

It's OK, Gaz.
We'll move somewhere else. It's fine.

- It's not like I need to be happy.
- Thank God for that.

Oh, shit! Jesus! Donna!

Sorry. I thought
I saw one at the window.

Give my phone his drink back.

Um... no.

- You nasty, nasty man.
- I like your shoes.

You nasty, nasty man
with a fabulous eye for accessories.

Give my phone his drink back.

- I'm Mickey.
- Don't care. Fer-reak.

- Glass of blue horrid stuff for the lady.
- One antifreeze coming up.

You know, Nicola from Girls Aloud
has those exact same shoes.

Ooh, been reading Heat, have we?

Well, I know your type. You're...

You're like me.
That's where I first saw the shoes.

I don't read about the stars...
I dress them.

You're a stylist? Who do you dress?

Anyone who passes through Liverpool.

Brooky stars,
Hollyoaks stars, the Cilla Mafia.

Oh! So you can get free clothes?

Not for just anyone. Only for the rich
and famous... and the Hollyoaks stars.

- Oh! Come to Mama!
- I don't think so. You're beyond hope.

I mean, you're wearing...
(Coughs) Primark.

Aah!

My darkest secret. How did you?

I won't talk to you any more.
You use your powers for evil.

But... Aaah. We were getting along
really well. Aah!

- Aah! Don't you squeak at me.
- Aah! You started it.

- Aah! Aah!
- Aah! Aah!

It's such a great noise, isn't it?

Aah...

Yes. And as
a former employer and referee,

I would highly recommend
Jonny Keogh for the job.

He has been a passionate aficionado
of biscuits for many a year.

Although here at Janet Corps,
we prefer to call them "dunkers".

Oh, you've heard of it?
Yes, we're marvellous.

Yes. OK. Well, good day. Kisses.

Do you think they'll know I'm lying?

You know, with my home number
being the same as my references?

No chance.

Are you only saying that because
you think I'll get mad

and bring up the baby thing again?

Yeah, pretty much.

And that I'll use it to blackmail you
into bum love again?

- Yeah, pretty much.
- What you did with Gaz, it hurts.

Stop, Jonny. It hurts me too.

Not as much as the bum love,
but it still hurts.

I'm getting a job so I can support us.
That'll help.

Yup. And I'll go to the doctor and get
this postnatal thing sorted.

(Phone)

Hello?

Yes, this is he.

Well, that's very astute of you.

I believe you've made
a meretricious decision.

Good day to you, sir. Mm. Yes.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

- What?
- Jonny... interview. Jonny... biscuit!

- Do you still want to live with me?
- Of course.

I still want to live with you. Even
if it is in this godforsaken hellhole.

- Thanks again for...
- It's OK, Gaz.

Come here.

Ohh.

(Sighs)

Come on, man. You can do this.

You can do this, come on.

OK.

Oh, God!

Oh.

OK... OK.

(Bleating)

Come on! You can do this. Come on.

You can do this. Come on.

All right.

♪ Old McDonald had a farm

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ And on that farm he had some...

♪ Sheep

♪ E-I-E-I-O

♪ With a baa-baa... ♪

Hello. Yeah. This is Gary Wilkinson.

I'd like to put an offer in
for the full asking price

on the house that we viewed yesterday.

I want you to come with me to Liverpool.

You're going to get this job, Jonny.

I've got an interview too.

Welcome to Speedy Cruise.

It's a life on the ocean wave for you.

Aaah-ah-ha!

I've got something important to say.

You with your job, me with my house.

You will come and stay?

It's not going to happen, is it?

This is the end of it all, Gaz.