Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 12 - God - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

Garibaldi.

- Come on. Gari-baldi.
- Jonny, what are you doing?

I'm teaching my boy to talk.

Gari-baldi.

Jonny, he's six weeks old.



If he said "Garibaldi" now, it'd be frightening.

You're right. I'll start on something English.

Bourbon.

Oh, shit! That's French.

- Don't swear at him.
- I might as well. He's not repeating it.

But he's taking it in.
He won't say anything for a year.

- A year?
- What do you expect? He's a baby.

All he can do is grasp,
distinguish shapes and be startled.

- Startled, you say?
- Don't do it. I'm just saying.

Janet, I love Corinthian very much.

He's the greatest, most magical thing
that's ever happened to me. But...

- What?
- He's a bit boring, isn't he?

- Jonny!
- It's not like the nappy adverts.

I expected him to chuckle
and talk like Hugh Laurie.



You shouldn't believe adverts.

Irn-Bru isn't made from girders
and Red Bull doesn't give you wings.

And kids won't do anything
for a Dairylea triangle.

As you discovered to your cost
when you tried to join Blazin' Squad.

- I thought I could teach him tricks.
- Tricks? Don't be silly.

Says you, the one
who feeds him milk from your breasts.

It's not a trick, Jonny. We've been
through this. Just leave him alone.

(Baby coos)

Whoo!

God, even that didn't work.

- Here we are. Continental breakfast.
- Très bien.

The continent in question being Asia.

With a particular emphasis
on the Madras region in India.

- Urgh.
- You've had curry for breakfast before.

From the night before. I can't
remember the last time we had curry.

Actually, I can. It was before we split up.

It was the only feminine thing she left
me. That and her Union Jack merkin.

I'm a man. I don't really cook.

And you don't really talk or really listen.

- I do.
- You do what?

- What you just said.
- Listen. I said you don't listen.

- Maybe you should listen to me.
- OK. Great.

Did you hear that?

- No.
- It was a bit of a quiet one.

Gaz! You're disgusting! I'm going.

Donna, please don't leave me again.
I'll change.

I'm going out, Gaz. Not leaving you.

Thank God for that.

Oh, fantastic.

- Or maybe I am leaving you.
- What?

I'll find someone
who knows how to treat women.

But I know how to treat women.

So what's this? I'm still in bed
and you've nearly given me botulism.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Stay there. I'll make
you a breakfast you won't believe.

Good. Then we can have a proper
conversation about our relationship.

- We don't need one of those.
- I'll leave you, Gaz. I mean it.

All right. Whatever you want.

Could be on to something here.

Oh.

Oh, no umbrella.

Oh!

I can't dial 999 again.

Stop! Just please stop raining!

Oh.

- Thank you very much...
- (Thunderclap)

God?

Jonny, the kitchen window's wide open.

Oh, that was me.

- I was dangling the baby out.
- What?

Well, I was going to dangle him out,
but it looked dangerous,

so I went outside and dangled him in.

Like Michael Jackson.

When dealing with children, Michael
Jackson's not your best role model.

I'm just trying to jazz him up a bit.

I know how we can make Corinthian
the most exciting baby in town.

Set him on fire?

Get him christened.

Everyone gets their baby christened.

Tough. He's getting christened
and Donna and Gaz are godparents.

It's boring. Unless...
Can we get him christened Jewish?

- No.
- Go on. I'm Jewish. I never mentioned it.

- You are not Jewish.
- I am... already.

Then you wouldn't celebrate
Christmas, eat pork scratchings

or be able to hold three marbles
in your foreskin.

Racist.

- May I say how beautiful you look?
- Merci.

After Eights for breakfast?

- Only the best for my princess.
- Where's the toast?

To Donna... a very special little lady.

- Gaz, what are you doing?
- I'm doing what you asked.

I don't recall asking you
to turn into Nigel Havers.

- Do you want the new Gaz or not?
- I want a bit of emotional sensitivity.

I don't even know what that is.

It means listening, talking and being
honest about each other's emotions.

- Eurgh!
- How did you feel when we split up?

I felt... bad.

OK. And when we got back together?

I felt...

Good.

Good, yeah. It's quite intense, isn't it?

I need more than this. I need you to open up.

I need you
to articulate the very depths of your soul.

- I can't!
- Then I might walk out that door

and find someone who knows
how to treat women.

- No.
- On the other hand...

If you open up, we could try
that thing you suggested.

The thing you saw in that documentary
about eels.

- Oh, yeah.
- You can do it, Gaz.

As a man, I feel that to win your approval

I must project an image of invulnerability.

Thus my masculinity
threatens to undermine itself.

Eh?

Budge up then.

Hello?

Janet? I need to talk to you.

(Deep voice)
Ah, good morning, Louise.

- Hello?
- Please do take a seat.

My parents will be with you shortly.

Terribly unpredictable weather
we've been having.

I wonder if these are
the first signs of global warming. Hmm.

Jonny, I don't know what you're doing here,

but I'm fairly sure this counts as child abuse.

- Are you in the pub?
- I never thought of that.

Would these transmit as far as the pub?

Thank God I got here. This family's
in need of spiritual guidance.

- You what?
- Spiritual guidance.

I had a religious experience
this morning on the road to Widnes.

I asked God to stop the rain and He did.

He allows war, famine and pestilence,
but He doesn't want you to get wet hair.

Precisely.

I'm sorry, Louise,
but you're too late to save this little soul.

- Look what I found.
- Oh! The Mark of the Beast!

You've drawn three 6s on my baby's head?

- I hope that's not permanent ink.
- That's how I found him.

If you can't look after him,
just leave him alone.

OK. Fine.

I'm going out. Don't blame me
when he grows up as boring as you.

Forgive them, Lord,
for they know not what they do.

You see? There are some benefits
to being sensitive new Gaz.

- Fantastic.
- Yup.

Just letting you take control
and not having to think what to do next.

I needed less blood for my brain,

- so there was more for...
- I noticed.

- For me cock.
- Yes.

- I had you in the palm of my hand.
- Aye.

You've still got some there, look.

(Sighs) So, tell me what to do next.

- Next you shall get up.
- OK.

But be sensitive about it.

That's not sensitively. That's gingerly.

- That's ballet.
- Bollocks.

It's not just
that God stopped the rain for me,

there's all kinds of evidence
for His existence.

- The Chloé spaghetti strap dress.
- Mm. Spaghetti.

- The Fendi Baguette bag.
- Mm. Baguettes.

God has created a bounty for us.

Mm. Bounty.

Yeah. Go ahead and mock.

I'm not mocking you.
I think it's great that you've found God.

I didn't think you believed in Him.

I do a bit. I believe there's something
out there more powerful than me.

There are tadpoles out there
more powerful than you.

- That's not very Christian.
- I'm new.

Anyway, I must be a bit religious
because...

- I'm getting Corinthian christened.
- Wonderful.

I would be honoured
if you'd ask me to be the godmother.

Oh. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- But I'm not going to.

What? You don't know anyone else religious.

- Well, I was going to ask...
- Not Donna?

She's a godless heathen.

She lives in sin, she uses foul language

and she worships the devil.

True, but I'm still going to ask her.

- All right?
- Hiya.

- Jonny about?
- He went for a walk.

A walk? What kind of a person goes for a walk?

Jonny does. He went to reflect on nature,

muse on the enormity of the world
and see what was in the skips.

Bloody hell. Muse on nature.

Donna wants me to do
that kind of poofy gaylording.

Donna wants you to be sensitive? Hah!

- What's "Hah"?
- You're the least sensitive man ever.

You're thick-skinned,
thick-headed and... thick.

That's not true. I cried when
Shaun Wright-Phillips got injured.

I couldn't help it. It was his little face.

Why can't you apply
those emotions to Donna?

It's not like football. Football's real.

Anyway, I found a simple cure.

No need to explore
my emotions when I've got these.

What are they?

Flo's oestrogen tablets for her HRT.

Instant sensitivity. It's woman in a bottle.

See you in a bit.

Come on, Corinthian.
Let's see what Daddy's built for you.

Is it a skateboard ramp?
Yes, it is a skateboard ramp.

- Shall we go on a skateboard ramp?
- Jonny? What are you doing?

It's blatantly obvious.
I'm teaching my son to skateboard.

You can't do that. You haven't
got the planks lined up properly.

That's not Corinthian. It's a doll.

I'm hardly going to test it
with my own child, am I?

- I'd love to be godmother.
- No you wouldn't.

She's not religious, Janet.

- Yes, I am. I'm a Catholic.
- You don't go to church.

No, but I feel guilty about it.

I'm guilty. The magistrate said so.

Louise, it's my decision.
Donna's one of my oldest friends

and she has childcare experience
from looking after Gaz.

True, but he's dead easy to manipulate.

All I have to do is threaten to leave.
Scares the shit out of him.

Makes him behave.
Complete emotional castration.

- Anyway, I'd love to be godmother.
- I'm not so sure now.

- Why not?
- Well, you sounded a bit evil.

I don't want an evil godmother.
Lou, you might be in with a chance.

Good. Remember the godparents get
custody after your untimely death.

Donna would be rubbish.
She'd mourn or something.

I'd make it fun. Corinthian
would soon forget about you.

You might have a chance
if you keep your mouth shut.

If we strapped some rockets on,
it'd jump further.

That's an adorable cot.

Did you just say, "That's an adorable cot"?

Oh, my God. I did.
These pills must be working.

- Usual?
- No.

No, I feel in the mood
for a refreshing glass of Pimms.

Those pills must be working.
What does it feel like?

I feel...

less competitive with
an overriding need to discuss issues.

Issues? We don't discuss issues.

- We talk about important bloke stuff.
- I'll talk about tits with you.

- Capital.
- Great, aren't they?

I'm thinking about what's coming out
of Natasha Kaplinsky's mouth

rather than
what I could stick into her mouth.

It's like I want to improve myself.
I might do a night course.

You can learn to speak English
as a foreign language.

- Fab. How do you do that?
- Only one way to find out.

- You go for it, mate.
- Thanks. That means a lot.

Jonny, I never tell you this,
but I do love you very, very much.

Thank you. By which I mean,
thank you for never telling me.

Anyway, Louise would be a crap godmother.

She doesn't even like children.

That's not the point.

I'd renounce Satan and bring it up
according to the ways of the Church.

- What Church?
- The Church.

Of God.

She doesn't even know what religion she is.

Donna, Donna, Donna. I'm not not part
of one of your organised religions.

I don't agree with things
like praying and going to church

and doing good deeds for people.

- And christenings?
- Not christenings. I do agree with them.

- I see.
- Which one of us are you having?

I don't know. It's so difficult.
You both seem so wrong.

If I can't decide, what's Jonny going through?

- By the way, will you be godfather?
- Yeah.

Cool.

- Gaz, what do you think of Corinthian?
- Who?

- The baby, Gaz. My son.
- Oh, yeah.

- Do you think he's?
- Yours? Definitely. No doubt.

Yeah, I know he's mine. I was gonna
say, do you think he's a bit boring?

Yeah. Like I say,
he's definitely yours. Ha-ha.

- I thought you were being sensitive.
- Oh, sorry.

The thing is, Jonny...

All babies are boring.
There are no interesting babies.

- Well, there's...
- Baby Spice.

- Right. And um...
- Babybel.

- Yeah. And...
- Muppet Babies.

Yeah. And, er...

What?

Nothing. I was seeing
how long you could keep going.

But at the same time,

all babies are the most beautiful
and exciting people on earth

because of the love they have to give.

The bond that exists between
a newborn child and his doting father.

You feed him and bathe him...

change his little nappy.

That's where the true magic
of fatherhood is to be found.

Who are you
and what have you done with Gaz?

Over here, Corinthian.
Smile at your Auntie Lou.

Hello. Look at me. There!
It definitely smiled at me.

"It" smiled at you?

It? It's not an "it". It's a "she".

- He, actually.
- Is it?

This is ridiculous.
Janet, you've got to choose me.

Why can't people just do as they're told?

Her thinking the world revolves around her
when it doesn't,

and you not even asking...

- (Baby cries)
- Shut up!

Not even asking your best mate
to be godmother.

- I'm the only person with the sense...
- Let me just stop you there.

- I don't think you can be godmother.
- Hah!

- Why not?
- You've gone mad in the head.

And Louise... Well, she's also mad
in the head, but she believes in God.

I see. If that's the way
you want to play it, I'm leaving.

- OK.
- I mean it, Janet.

I'll find someone
who knows how to treat women.

- (Door slams)
- Right. Good luck with that.

- Hiya.
- You've come back, have you?

Back to see your boring son?

Yeah. I had a long, long talk with Gaz
about parental responsibility.

- He's made me realise something.
- What?

No matter how boring
the baby might be,

he's not as boring as Gaz.

Gaz doesn't mess me around.
I'll go and talk to him.

Nice, from someone
you've asked to be godmother.

No, Jonny. I've asked Louise.
She believes in God.

- Actually, I don't.
- What?

Well, I don't just believe in God,
I think...

I think I am He.

And again, what?

Think about it. I ask God
to stop the rain and it stops.

I ask Him to make me the godmother
and it happens.

Is it coincidence that I'm the most
beautiful creature in the Northwest?

Louise, love, you are not God.
You can't be God.

You're too much of a squeaky twat.

Nobody's perfect, Janet. Even Jesus had vices.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

He needed them. He was a carpenter.

That's it. The christening is off.

It can't be off.
It's not a real baby till it's christened.

I don't care. If me and Jonny die,
he can take his chances in the wild.

And be raised by wolves.

- There are no wolves round here.
- Squirrels, then.

Or wasps.

My son shall be raised by wasps.

- Is that a new top?
- What?

You should wear blue more often.
It brings out the colour in your eyes.

You're wasting your time chatting me up.

I know.

If you want a good shagging,
just get on the bar.

Why are you so fixated on sex?
Is it a mask for some deeper loneliness?

- No.
- I think you're toying with yourself.

I'll have to if you don't get on the bar.

Gaz, we're going.

- I'm going through Kelly's issues.
- What?

She's using her sexuality as a barrier
between herself and the world.

- I'm not, honest.
- Gaz, I just want to go home.

I can't be there for both of you.
I need some space for myself too.

- Gaz, come home.
- Kelly needs to resolve this.

Now, Gaz! Now!

Oh, now...

Gaz?

Gaz, are you crying?

I just... I don't see why you always
have to shout at me.

But you've got to have a christening, Janet.

It makes sense to wait
till Corinthian's a bit older,

so he can help with the buffet.

Well, it's your decision.

I think it's best a child be received
into the Church as early as possible,

but we must respect the choice of the parents.

I name you Corinthian McVitie Louise Keogh.

May God - that's me -
protect you from the devil and Donna.

Louise! How dare you christen my baby!

It's too late. He's mine. You can't undo it.

(Squeals)

Maybe it's not so bad being boring.

At least you aren't clinically insane
like Uncle Gaz.

Or clinically squeaky like Auntie Louise.

I just wish you could do one exciting thing.

Like whistle or play the banjo or ski.

But you can't. All you can do is lie there and...

Janet? Janet!

What's the matter?

Have you ever seen anything
so amazing in your whole life?

It's a nappy full of poo.

Not just any poo, Janet. Bright green poo!

Bright green!

- All babies do...
- What?

Nothing. You're right.

He is the most talented and outstanding
baby the world has ever seen.

He is, isn't he? I might cancel
his bungee jumping session now.

- Thank God for that.
- You're welcome.

Gaz?

It's been three hours. Please stop weeping.

I can't. It's my time of the month.

Just stop taking my dead mother's
oestrogen tablets.

It's what you wanted.
Will you get me some chocolate?

- No.
- You don't understand me.

I understand you've got so much
female hormone in your body

that you've turned into a fanny.

- Are you calling me fat?
- No.

If you stop crying, I'll let you
watch the Chuck Norris collection.

He's a misogynist.

I'll let you drink all eight cans of Stella
from the fridge.

It just goes straight on me hips.

I'll let you bum love me.

I'll get the lube.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

(Crazy Frog ringtone)

Nee-naw! Nee-naw! Nee-naw!

(Both) Aah! Aah!

♪ Dooby dooby doo... ♪

Oh-ho!

Shoo! Shoo!

(Bleating)