Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 9 - Stot or Pronk - full transcript
Janet's pregnancy is making her forgetful so,to sharpen her memory,Louise enters her for the Archer's pub quiz,which is compered by Kelly,who makes snide comments about Janet's night with Gaz. Gaz has lost weight and has recovered his former physique. He is a hit with the ladies at the ante-natal classes where he accompanies Jonny because Janet is too preoccupied with the pub quiz and where his parenting skills using Cuddles,the toy monkey,are impressive. In fact he gets back with Donna,inspiring her to also embark on a fitness regime.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now
♪ I just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
- Does anyone know why?
- Why what?
Why I went into the kitchen.
- You were putting the kettle on.
- Oh, yeah.
There we go. That's the cryptic done.
As long as "sockiog" is a word.
Donna, you're being a slob again.
We had that talk, remember?
You started wearing
a Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt.
There was no need for you to burn it.
I loved that shirt. It smelt like lobster.
You're slipping to the Helena Bonham
Carter end of the style spectrum.
What do I care?
Having seen how obese Gaz has got,
I don't need to worry
about letting meself go.
When was the last time you saw Gaz?
A couple of months ago.
And he was fat, fat, fat. Ha ha.
Well, now he's fit, fit, fit. Ha ha.
What do you mean "fit, fit, fit"?
He's a buffalo and I wouldn't touch his
mozzarella, if you know what I mean.
No, I don't,
but it sounds perfectly disgusting.
Janet, has Gaz got thin again?
Gaz? That's the woman
who sang The Only Way Is Up, isn't it?
I'm gonna have to check this out for myself.
Janet, this is oxtail soup.
Sorry. I'll warm it up for you.
Have a feel of that. Eh?
Belting. You wanna see the rest,
my number's on the men's room wall.
You coming to the quiz night?
Nope. I'll be at the gym
working this fine booty.
I'm quizmaster. First question...
Who is the father of Janet's baby?
- You dare.
- I'm teasing.
First question. Who shagged
Janet Keogh other than Jonny?
How's the pregnancy going?
Terrifying. I'm not connecting
with the kid. I'm a rubbish dad.
And Janet's gone completely stupid.
How would you know that?
I read it in a pregnancy book.
What, Labour Babes?
Or Happy Nappy Slappers' Baps?
No. Well, yeah...
The antenatal classes will tell you
about the important stuff.
- I've not been to one.
- What? You'll be useless.
All the other dads will be better than me.
They'll all be pally
with their wives' uteruses.
But Janet's going. It's important.
Yeah. Twice a week. Her neighbour
gives her a lift on his moped.
On a moped?! Don't you know anything?
I think we've established I do not.
Well, it's the rules. No mopeds,
no soft cheese, no fish, no eggs.
You just described the worst sandwich ever.
If you're so concerned, you take her.
- Me?
- Yes.
You having a go at me
for bad parenting does not help.
You taking my whale of a wife for
a whale of a time at antenatal does.
Oh, my God.
Gaz looks amazing. How dare he?
First question, ladies and gentlemen...
Which bucket executive wants a tasty
portion of cock from her ex-boyfriend?
What was I reaching for?
I thought you were trying to do a sit-up.
Crisis! I need to make an effort
with my appearance.
Gaz looks like
he's just stepped out of a salon.
- I look like I've stepped out of a hedge.
- Hallelu jah! She's looked in the mirror.
I'll get my tits done. I've got the cash.
We could match.
I wouldn't know what to do with big boobs.
I'd be like a kid with a new toy.
I'd only end up playing with the box.
- What do you think, Janet?
- Well, I think...
No, it's gone.
My mind's just a total blank.
How can I bring up a kid
when I can't remember anything?
I never used to be like this. I used
to read. Delia, Jamie - all the classics.
- I could help.
- What could you do?
I can train your brain.
I do have a degree, you know.
I can teach you to hold on to information,
or how to pay graduates to sit exams for you.
- Thank you.
- My lips. I'll get my lips done.
You shouldn't play about
with your appearance, er...
D... Is it Dave?
It really should be you taking Janet
to antenatal classes. I'm not the dad.
That's the thing. I don't feel like the dad.
I don't feel there'll be a baby. I wouldn't
be surprised if Janet just deflated.
It might be a bit weird.
I listened to its heart on a stethoscope.
Why didn't that make it real?
- What did it sound like?
- Like a little drum and a big drum.
They can play the drums?
And I got to see it too.
See? If you squint your eyes and look closely,
you can see what looks like an arse.
That's its face.
God, Jonny.
I'll take Janet to antenatal.
He's gorgeous. He's like his dad.
Ta very much.
How can we help you, Donna?
I want my lips doing. I want to look
different, but not too different.
It's not so people notice,
people just say, "My, Donna's looking well"
without somebody saying
"I think she's had her lips done."
Then the other person says
"Oh, I wouldn't have noticed."
One person says, "It looks stupid" and
another person says, "Avoid her type."
"Shall we move?"
"OK, what about the Barleymow?"
"Shall we try the new Wetherspoons?"
"You can't smoke at the bar."
"Barleymow it is, but I don't want
to bump into my ex-husband."
"Aye. Best just go home
and smack us kids about."
At a basic level,
I don't want the children to suffer.
OK. That's fine.
First, we need to talk through
your reasons why you want this done,
then I'll discuss the risks.
The risks? No one told me
about the risks? What can happen?
I don't want people to think I've done
this out of vanity because I'm not vain.
I don't want people to say, "Have you
seen Donna? She's had her lips done."
And the other person says,
"We should avoid her type" and...
Why do you want this done?
Well, because Gaz is prettier than me.
And I just think bigger lips
would help with that.
Are you sure surgery's the answer?
Well, is Prozac the answer?
To be honest, yes... usually.
After my mum died, my GP
was really keen for us to go on that.
When I wouldn't have Prozac,
he offered Diazepam, then lithium.
Then he offered me a new puppy.
I think he ran out of ideas.
You need to work through this
before you alter your face.
Have you tried exercise
and looking at your diet?
My diet? I'm the same weight
as I've always been.
I can eat and drink what I want.
I'm one of those hateful bitches,
apparently.
That's what dear old mum used to say.
I believe you could be depressed.
I'd advise you to look after your body
and you'll benefit emotionally.
- Look after myself?
- Yes.
- That's your advice?
- Yeah.
And I've paid 200 quid for this consultation.
Yes. Looking at it, it's not very good, is it?
"When alarmed,
the springbok will stot or pronk.
"That is, jump stiff-legged into the air."
What I want to know
is how high, Janet? How high?
- How would I know that?
- Come on.
You have to be able to retain facts
if your memory's to improve.
I'll give you a margin of three feet.
OK. Um... 728...
No. 729 foot.
You think a springbok
can jump 700 foot in the air?
Ah, ah, ah. 729.
It's 12 feet.
Poor Janet. Poor enormous Janet.
What am I gonna do?
This kid needs all the help it can get.
Jonny can't help.
He thinks Casablanca was a real place.
You need motivation - something
to aim at. A test or exam to revise for.
- What about the pub quiz?
- When is it?
Thursday. Beat going to antenatal.
Oh. What do you win?
Who cares? I get my brain back and
baby gets the passive smoke it craves.
- All right, Jon.
- All right.
"Hello."
That's Cuddles, isn't it?
No. It's my baby. If I'm taking Janet
to classes, I don't want to look stupid.
They all look stupid.
They waddle round like ducks.
And as we know, he hates that duck.
I thought I should be prepared
for when I need to be fatherly.
Gaz, you're just driving.
Jonny, you've said
you're scared of responsibility,
how's it gonna be
when he gets on his first trampoline?
Trampoline?
Yes. He'll want someone there.
- I suppose.
- And when he gets in his first fight.
Someone needs to square up
to the dad and I'm squarer.
Cos I'm scared, doesn't mean...
He'll need someone to comfort him
when he has his scary first wank.
You know, when you think you've broken it.
Me dad was the last thing
I was thinking of.
My sister - that was a different matter.
- You don't have a sister.
- I made her up.
She was fit. And French, as I recall.
I just need you to drive Janet.
I don't need you to take over.
I just want to help. I can do the things
you can't manage. Let it go.
But it's my baby! Mine, mine, mine!
Can you stop spanking my monkey?
1666. 1666.
That's right. Very well done.
If you can remember
what actually happened in 1666
rather than just shouting it,
we might get somewhere.
Ask me who Charles I's mother was.
- Do you know?
- Yes. It was the Queen of the time.
- Keep revising, Janet.
- I will. I'm going to win this pub quiz.
I'm going to be a clever mum,
like Cherie Lunghi, QC.
- Oh, this is hopeless. Bye.
- Bye.
- You still getting your lips done?
- No. I decided against it.
Diet and exercise is a better option
to get me looking as good as...
Gaz? You fancy him.
No, I don't. I don't care what Gaz thinks.
I don't care about Gaz
and his fine booty one bit.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
What's up with you?
I'm already insecure and now Gaz has
made me think he'll be a better dad.
I can't believe him!
Thinking he can run your lives
because he's so attractive!
He's unbelievable! I hate him!
I can't believe he's done that!
Um... Actually, all he really did
was bring a monkey.
A monkey? A monkey?!
God... The bastard! I... I hate him!
Not as much as the monkey hates that duck.
I'm gonna give him hell.
I'm gonna smack him
in his stupidly gorgeous face,
then spit on his wretchedly sexy eyes
and kick him in his fine, fine booty.
I'm doing this for you, Jonny.
Otherwise, I never want to see
his horribly beautiful eyes ever again!
Completely over him, isn't she?
I bet I can prove you're a good dad.
- How's that then?
- Talk to the baby.
That's so embarrassing.
What am I supposed to say?
"Hello, ickle baby."
It's so stupid. I'm no good at this.
Yes, you are.
I know Baby likes being read to.
You can start with the periodic table
then ask Baby about the Boer War.
♪ In the jungle, the quiet jungle
♪ The lion sleep tonight
♪ Ah-eee
♪ Ooh-whooo um-umaweh... ♪
All right, Donna? I've not seen you in
ages. You look almost as good as me.
I can't believe you're trying to usurp
Jonny as the father of this baby.
What's that got to do with you? You've
come down to peek at this fine booty.
No, Gaz. Even if your booty is fine,
as you proclaim,
I'm getting you out of my system
as we speak.
If I do what the doctor tells me to do,
I'm gonna look so good that your booty
is gonna be kissing my booty's...
booty.
- What doctor? Are you ill?
- No. Well... Don't laugh.
I would never laugh
at a medical condition.
Unless it was smelly or painful
or inflicted on a celebrity.
I wanted to get my lips done.
Ah! Ha ha! No way?
(Roars with laughter)
You with big massive lips.
You'll look stupid.
Are they for kissing the boys? Ooh.
Seriously, are they?
This is typical! It's bloody typical!
I give you a situation
I'm insecure about and you laugh.
You laugh at insecurities. You laugh
at that fella on TV with wooden legs.
That's the Cuprinol wood stain advert.
It's a wooden man!
Forget it! I'm going to get
my lips done whether you like it or not!
- Why are you concerned what I think?
- I'm not.
Why are you angry
because I said one stupid thing?
I'm not. I don't care.
Why are you thinking about licking my neck?
So? I mean, no.
Just because I'm sexually attracted to you...
- Oh?
- Bollocks!
Ooh! You're sexually attracted to me?
The next time you see me,
I'm gonna be a pouting, sensual maiden.
I won't care what you think!
Oh, she care.
She care good.
Test me. I've been revising.
Fine. A rugby league team has?
- 13 players.
- lan Ogilvy was?
- The Saint.
- Wow. You've really come on.
- The national dish of Poland?
- Oh. Er... Something with fish.
Fingers?
- This for the quiz?
- Yeah. I know this one.
If you don't know the answer,
say Shirley Williams or Uruguay.
- It's always one of the two.
- Oh. Enjoy the class.
- Hello.
- Hi, Gaz. Bye, Gaz.
- Where's Janet going?
- She couldn't make it tonight.
Thought we'd join you instead.
- "We"?
- Yes. We.
I found Josie-Ann in a skip.
The main competition is from them.
Their expertise is your weakness.
Conversely, their weakness
is your expertise.
They know brown ale and facial topiary.
You know what Simon from Blue
likes for tea.
Prawn crackers. Hah! Have it!
We need a name for our team.
Something cerebral, something jocular.
Something genteel yet droll.
The Slags it is.
If everybody's ready, can we all
be seated for our opening ceremony.
(Parp!)
And that concludes our opening ceremony.
Oh, we're starting. Whoo! Whoo hoo!
Sorry.
I thought it was like Fun House.
See? This is how I've always held him.
Firm but gentle.
(Women) Ah!
- You'll make such a great dad.
- I don't know.
Whoa!
Hey, if you think that was funny,
check this out.
I can't think. I know the answer's
in here somewhere, but I can't think.
Jonny said the answer's
usually Shirley Williams.
That's right. You're a genius.
Hah! Take that, beardy-weirdies!
How did Shirley Williams
win the first-ever World Cup?
Not sure. Anyway, we're on the home straight.
One more question to go
and we can swap papers.
This is your final question for the night.
How high, to the nearest three feet,
can a springbok stot or pronk?
- That is how high can a springbok?
- Finished!
It seems we've got a draw.
Both John Smith's Hairy Twin
and the accurately named The Slags
are both on 40 out of 50 each.
- Oh, no.
- Can you come up for the tie-break?
Not the squeaky one.
Her voice chills me to the bone.
(Squeaks)
And please don't send up anyone I've shagged.
More than once?
Who didn't catch anything?
Who I didn't fellate in the cellar?
First person to know the answer shouts.
No conferring.
No help from the crowd.
I'll see you in the cellar later.
OK.
At what stage of pregnancy
should a pregnant lady
start to feel the baby move?
- Fix! Fix!
- Quiet!
I have no idea. I really don't.
- We'll move on. Next tie-breaker...
- What was the answer?
- What?
- When do you feel it move?
About 20 weeks, Janet.
Are you sure you're pregnant, not just fat?
See? I'm spending quality time with you.
I am a good dad.
Oh, Christ! My beer.
I mean, my baby.
There's no one here. My beer.
Jonny, there's something wrong with the baby.
- Eh?
- It's not moving.
I've not felt it move for weeks.
Oh, God. I think it...
It's what? Janet, what's wrong?
Oh, God, Jonny. This is all my fault.
I'm really, really scared.
Oh. Hold on, we'll get you out of there.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...
Ow! That little bastard just kicked me!
- Did it?
- Yeah. Right in the lughole.
- He kicked you?
- Yeah. Didn't you feel it?
No. I mean,
I felt something moving but...
Oh. Ooh... Is that what that is?
No, Barney.
Jamelia is not a Walt Whitman poem.
This is why you didn't qualify
for The Weakest Link.
Hi!
What do you think of that then? Ha!
- What?
- I've had my lips done.
I think I look beautiful. What do you think?
- You're beautiful anyway.
- You hate them, don't you?
No, to be honest.
No. They're actually quite sexy.
I don't care.
Yeah. Kissable.
When are you allowed to test them out?
Well, whenever, I think. Not that I want to.
- Do they hurt?
- A bit.
- So you'd have to be kissed gently?
- Yeah.
By someone who knew you well
and wouldn't hurt you.
That's very true.
- If someone was to kiss you...
- If they kissed me?
It'd have to be someone
who thought you were beautiful.
And appreciate that however strong
you were, you still need looking after.
Still need toast bringing you in the morning.
Help finding your keys.
I can never find my keys any more.
They're on the side.
You'll find someone. Someone
who's got everything you need.
I have... I mean, I will.
Good luck with that then, mate.
What's that on your teeth?
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna...
You knobhead.
Imagine not being able
to feel a baby moving.
I can feel something happening
if I've eaten one parsnip too many.
I thought it was you.
It happens every time you talk to it.
- When I talk to it?
- Yeah. Every time.
That was a really big one, though.
- So?
- So?
- It likes me.
- Must do.
- It wants to come out and meet me.
- Yeah. I think it does.
Well, I can't wait to meet it.
I can't wait to meet you!
- Jonny?
- Eh?
- That might be sooner than you think.
- What?
- I think I'm in labour.
- How can you tell?
Urgh!
Oh, my God!
It's like an umbrella up me arse!
Anyway, I don't want to argue
about your failings as a lover.
My failings? I'm perfect in bed.
Jonny, help. The baby's trying to kill me.
I can't believe how much you've hurt me.
You're a total bitch.
(Siren wails)
Gaz!
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now
♪ I just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
- Does anyone know why?
- Why what?
Why I went into the kitchen.
- You were putting the kettle on.
- Oh, yeah.
There we go. That's the cryptic done.
As long as "sockiog" is a word.
Donna, you're being a slob again.
We had that talk, remember?
You started wearing
a Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt.
There was no need for you to burn it.
I loved that shirt. It smelt like lobster.
You're slipping to the Helena Bonham
Carter end of the style spectrum.
What do I care?
Having seen how obese Gaz has got,
I don't need to worry
about letting meself go.
When was the last time you saw Gaz?
A couple of months ago.
And he was fat, fat, fat. Ha ha.
Well, now he's fit, fit, fit. Ha ha.
What do you mean "fit, fit, fit"?
He's a buffalo and I wouldn't touch his
mozzarella, if you know what I mean.
No, I don't,
but it sounds perfectly disgusting.
Janet, has Gaz got thin again?
Gaz? That's the woman
who sang The Only Way Is Up, isn't it?
I'm gonna have to check this out for myself.
Janet, this is oxtail soup.
Sorry. I'll warm it up for you.
Have a feel of that. Eh?
Belting. You wanna see the rest,
my number's on the men's room wall.
You coming to the quiz night?
Nope. I'll be at the gym
working this fine booty.
I'm quizmaster. First question...
Who is the father of Janet's baby?
- You dare.
- I'm teasing.
First question. Who shagged
Janet Keogh other than Jonny?
How's the pregnancy going?
Terrifying. I'm not connecting
with the kid. I'm a rubbish dad.
And Janet's gone completely stupid.
How would you know that?
I read it in a pregnancy book.
What, Labour Babes?
Or Happy Nappy Slappers' Baps?
No. Well, yeah...
The antenatal classes will tell you
about the important stuff.
- I've not been to one.
- What? You'll be useless.
All the other dads will be better than me.
They'll all be pally
with their wives' uteruses.
But Janet's going. It's important.
Yeah. Twice a week. Her neighbour
gives her a lift on his moped.
On a moped?! Don't you know anything?
I think we've established I do not.
Well, it's the rules. No mopeds,
no soft cheese, no fish, no eggs.
You just described the worst sandwich ever.
If you're so concerned, you take her.
- Me?
- Yes.
You having a go at me
for bad parenting does not help.
You taking my whale of a wife for
a whale of a time at antenatal does.
Oh, my God.
Gaz looks amazing. How dare he?
First question, ladies and gentlemen...
Which bucket executive wants a tasty
portion of cock from her ex-boyfriend?
What was I reaching for?
I thought you were trying to do a sit-up.
Crisis! I need to make an effort
with my appearance.
Gaz looks like
he's just stepped out of a salon.
- I look like I've stepped out of a hedge.
- Hallelu jah! She's looked in the mirror.
I'll get my tits done. I've got the cash.
We could match.
I wouldn't know what to do with big boobs.
I'd be like a kid with a new toy.
I'd only end up playing with the box.
- What do you think, Janet?
- Well, I think...
No, it's gone.
My mind's just a total blank.
How can I bring up a kid
when I can't remember anything?
I never used to be like this. I used
to read. Delia, Jamie - all the classics.
- I could help.
- What could you do?
I can train your brain.
I do have a degree, you know.
I can teach you to hold on to information,
or how to pay graduates to sit exams for you.
- Thank you.
- My lips. I'll get my lips done.
You shouldn't play about
with your appearance, er...
D... Is it Dave?
It really should be you taking Janet
to antenatal classes. I'm not the dad.
That's the thing. I don't feel like the dad.
I don't feel there'll be a baby. I wouldn't
be surprised if Janet just deflated.
It might be a bit weird.
I listened to its heart on a stethoscope.
Why didn't that make it real?
- What did it sound like?
- Like a little drum and a big drum.
They can play the drums?
And I got to see it too.
See? If you squint your eyes and look closely,
you can see what looks like an arse.
That's its face.
God, Jonny.
I'll take Janet to antenatal.
He's gorgeous. He's like his dad.
Ta very much.
How can we help you, Donna?
I want my lips doing. I want to look
different, but not too different.
It's not so people notice,
people just say, "My, Donna's looking well"
without somebody saying
"I think she's had her lips done."
Then the other person says
"Oh, I wouldn't have noticed."
One person says, "It looks stupid" and
another person says, "Avoid her type."
"Shall we move?"
"OK, what about the Barleymow?"
"Shall we try the new Wetherspoons?"
"You can't smoke at the bar."
"Barleymow it is, but I don't want
to bump into my ex-husband."
"Aye. Best just go home
and smack us kids about."
At a basic level,
I don't want the children to suffer.
OK. That's fine.
First, we need to talk through
your reasons why you want this done,
then I'll discuss the risks.
The risks? No one told me
about the risks? What can happen?
I don't want people to think I've done
this out of vanity because I'm not vain.
I don't want people to say, "Have you
seen Donna? She's had her lips done."
And the other person says,
"We should avoid her type" and...
Why do you want this done?
Well, because Gaz is prettier than me.
And I just think bigger lips
would help with that.
Are you sure surgery's the answer?
Well, is Prozac the answer?
To be honest, yes... usually.
After my mum died, my GP
was really keen for us to go on that.
When I wouldn't have Prozac,
he offered Diazepam, then lithium.
Then he offered me a new puppy.
I think he ran out of ideas.
You need to work through this
before you alter your face.
Have you tried exercise
and looking at your diet?
My diet? I'm the same weight
as I've always been.
I can eat and drink what I want.
I'm one of those hateful bitches,
apparently.
That's what dear old mum used to say.
I believe you could be depressed.
I'd advise you to look after your body
and you'll benefit emotionally.
- Look after myself?
- Yes.
- That's your advice?
- Yeah.
And I've paid 200 quid for this consultation.
Yes. Looking at it, it's not very good, is it?
"When alarmed,
the springbok will stot or pronk.
"That is, jump stiff-legged into the air."
What I want to know
is how high, Janet? How high?
- How would I know that?
- Come on.
You have to be able to retain facts
if your memory's to improve.
I'll give you a margin of three feet.
OK. Um... 728...
No. 729 foot.
You think a springbok
can jump 700 foot in the air?
Ah, ah, ah. 729.
It's 12 feet.
Poor Janet. Poor enormous Janet.
What am I gonna do?
This kid needs all the help it can get.
Jonny can't help.
He thinks Casablanca was a real place.
You need motivation - something
to aim at. A test or exam to revise for.
- What about the pub quiz?
- When is it?
Thursday. Beat going to antenatal.
Oh. What do you win?
Who cares? I get my brain back and
baby gets the passive smoke it craves.
- All right, Jon.
- All right.
"Hello."
That's Cuddles, isn't it?
No. It's my baby. If I'm taking Janet
to classes, I don't want to look stupid.
They all look stupid.
They waddle round like ducks.
And as we know, he hates that duck.
I thought I should be prepared
for when I need to be fatherly.
Gaz, you're just driving.
Jonny, you've said
you're scared of responsibility,
how's it gonna be
when he gets on his first trampoline?
Trampoline?
Yes. He'll want someone there.
- I suppose.
- And when he gets in his first fight.
Someone needs to square up
to the dad and I'm squarer.
Cos I'm scared, doesn't mean...
He'll need someone to comfort him
when he has his scary first wank.
You know, when you think you've broken it.
Me dad was the last thing
I was thinking of.
My sister - that was a different matter.
- You don't have a sister.
- I made her up.
She was fit. And French, as I recall.
I just need you to drive Janet.
I don't need you to take over.
I just want to help. I can do the things
you can't manage. Let it go.
But it's my baby! Mine, mine, mine!
Can you stop spanking my monkey?
1666. 1666.
That's right. Very well done.
If you can remember
what actually happened in 1666
rather than just shouting it,
we might get somewhere.
Ask me who Charles I's mother was.
- Do you know?
- Yes. It was the Queen of the time.
- Keep revising, Janet.
- I will. I'm going to win this pub quiz.
I'm going to be a clever mum,
like Cherie Lunghi, QC.
- Oh, this is hopeless. Bye.
- Bye.
- You still getting your lips done?
- No. I decided against it.
Diet and exercise is a better option
to get me looking as good as...
Gaz? You fancy him.
No, I don't. I don't care what Gaz thinks.
I don't care about Gaz
and his fine booty one bit.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
What's up with you?
I'm already insecure and now Gaz has
made me think he'll be a better dad.
I can't believe him!
Thinking he can run your lives
because he's so attractive!
He's unbelievable! I hate him!
I can't believe he's done that!
Um... Actually, all he really did
was bring a monkey.
A monkey? A monkey?!
God... The bastard! I... I hate him!
Not as much as the monkey hates that duck.
I'm gonna give him hell.
I'm gonna smack him
in his stupidly gorgeous face,
then spit on his wretchedly sexy eyes
and kick him in his fine, fine booty.
I'm doing this for you, Jonny.
Otherwise, I never want to see
his horribly beautiful eyes ever again!
Completely over him, isn't she?
I bet I can prove you're a good dad.
- How's that then?
- Talk to the baby.
That's so embarrassing.
What am I supposed to say?
"Hello, ickle baby."
It's so stupid. I'm no good at this.
Yes, you are.
I know Baby likes being read to.
You can start with the periodic table
then ask Baby about the Boer War.
♪ In the jungle, the quiet jungle
♪ The lion sleep tonight
♪ Ah-eee
♪ Ooh-whooo um-umaweh... ♪
All right, Donna? I've not seen you in
ages. You look almost as good as me.
I can't believe you're trying to usurp
Jonny as the father of this baby.
What's that got to do with you? You've
come down to peek at this fine booty.
No, Gaz. Even if your booty is fine,
as you proclaim,
I'm getting you out of my system
as we speak.
If I do what the doctor tells me to do,
I'm gonna look so good that your booty
is gonna be kissing my booty's...
booty.
- What doctor? Are you ill?
- No. Well... Don't laugh.
I would never laugh
at a medical condition.
Unless it was smelly or painful
or inflicted on a celebrity.
I wanted to get my lips done.
Ah! Ha ha! No way?
(Roars with laughter)
You with big massive lips.
You'll look stupid.
Are they for kissing the boys? Ooh.
Seriously, are they?
This is typical! It's bloody typical!
I give you a situation
I'm insecure about and you laugh.
You laugh at insecurities. You laugh
at that fella on TV with wooden legs.
That's the Cuprinol wood stain advert.
It's a wooden man!
Forget it! I'm going to get
my lips done whether you like it or not!
- Why are you concerned what I think?
- I'm not.
Why are you angry
because I said one stupid thing?
I'm not. I don't care.
Why are you thinking about licking my neck?
So? I mean, no.
Just because I'm sexually attracted to you...
- Oh?
- Bollocks!
Ooh! You're sexually attracted to me?
The next time you see me,
I'm gonna be a pouting, sensual maiden.
I won't care what you think!
Oh, she care.
She care good.
Test me. I've been revising.
Fine. A rugby league team has?
- 13 players.
- lan Ogilvy was?
- The Saint.
- Wow. You've really come on.
- The national dish of Poland?
- Oh. Er... Something with fish.
Fingers?
- This for the quiz?
- Yeah. I know this one.
If you don't know the answer,
say Shirley Williams or Uruguay.
- It's always one of the two.
- Oh. Enjoy the class.
- Hello.
- Hi, Gaz. Bye, Gaz.
- Where's Janet going?
- She couldn't make it tonight.
Thought we'd join you instead.
- "We"?
- Yes. We.
I found Josie-Ann in a skip.
The main competition is from them.
Their expertise is your weakness.
Conversely, their weakness
is your expertise.
They know brown ale and facial topiary.
You know what Simon from Blue
likes for tea.
Prawn crackers. Hah! Have it!
We need a name for our team.
Something cerebral, something jocular.
Something genteel yet droll.
The Slags it is.
If everybody's ready, can we all
be seated for our opening ceremony.
(Parp!)
And that concludes our opening ceremony.
Oh, we're starting. Whoo! Whoo hoo!
Sorry.
I thought it was like Fun House.
See? This is how I've always held him.
Firm but gentle.
(Women) Ah!
- You'll make such a great dad.
- I don't know.
Whoa!
Hey, if you think that was funny,
check this out.
I can't think. I know the answer's
in here somewhere, but I can't think.
Jonny said the answer's
usually Shirley Williams.
That's right. You're a genius.
Hah! Take that, beardy-weirdies!
How did Shirley Williams
win the first-ever World Cup?
Not sure. Anyway, we're on the home straight.
One more question to go
and we can swap papers.
This is your final question for the night.
How high, to the nearest three feet,
can a springbok stot or pronk?
- That is how high can a springbok?
- Finished!
It seems we've got a draw.
Both John Smith's Hairy Twin
and the accurately named The Slags
are both on 40 out of 50 each.
- Oh, no.
- Can you come up for the tie-break?
Not the squeaky one.
Her voice chills me to the bone.
(Squeaks)
And please don't send up anyone I've shagged.
More than once?
Who didn't catch anything?
Who I didn't fellate in the cellar?
First person to know the answer shouts.
No conferring.
No help from the crowd.
I'll see you in the cellar later.
OK.
At what stage of pregnancy
should a pregnant lady
start to feel the baby move?
- Fix! Fix!
- Quiet!
I have no idea. I really don't.
- We'll move on. Next tie-breaker...
- What was the answer?
- What?
- When do you feel it move?
About 20 weeks, Janet.
Are you sure you're pregnant, not just fat?
See? I'm spending quality time with you.
I am a good dad.
Oh, Christ! My beer.
I mean, my baby.
There's no one here. My beer.
Jonny, there's something wrong with the baby.
- Eh?
- It's not moving.
I've not felt it move for weeks.
Oh, God. I think it...
It's what? Janet, what's wrong?
Oh, God, Jonny. This is all my fault.
I'm really, really scared.
Oh. Hold on, we'll get you out of there.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...
Ow! That little bastard just kicked me!
- Did it?
- Yeah. Right in the lughole.
- He kicked you?
- Yeah. Didn't you feel it?
No. I mean,
I felt something moving but...
Oh. Ooh... Is that what that is?
No, Barney.
Jamelia is not a Walt Whitman poem.
This is why you didn't qualify
for The Weakest Link.
Hi!
What do you think of that then? Ha!
- What?
- I've had my lips done.
I think I look beautiful. What do you think?
- You're beautiful anyway.
- You hate them, don't you?
No, to be honest.
No. They're actually quite sexy.
I don't care.
Yeah. Kissable.
When are you allowed to test them out?
Well, whenever, I think. Not that I want to.
- Do they hurt?
- A bit.
- So you'd have to be kissed gently?
- Yeah.
By someone who knew you well
and wouldn't hurt you.
That's very true.
- If someone was to kiss you...
- If they kissed me?
It'd have to be someone
who thought you were beautiful.
And appreciate that however strong
you were, you still need looking after.
Still need toast bringing you in the morning.
Help finding your keys.
I can never find my keys any more.
They're on the side.
You'll find someone. Someone
who's got everything you need.
I have... I mean, I will.
Good luck with that then, mate.
What's that on your teeth?
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna...
You knobhead.
Imagine not being able
to feel a baby moving.
I can feel something happening
if I've eaten one parsnip too many.
I thought it was you.
It happens every time you talk to it.
- When I talk to it?
- Yeah. Every time.
That was a really big one, though.
- So?
- So?
- It likes me.
- Must do.
- It wants to come out and meet me.
- Yeah. I think it does.
Well, I can't wait to meet it.
I can't wait to meet you!
- Jonny?
- Eh?
- That might be sooner than you think.
- What?
- I think I'm in labour.
- How can you tell?
Urgh!
Oh, my God!
It's like an umbrella up me arse!
Anyway, I don't want to argue
about your failings as a lover.
My failings? I'm perfect in bed.
Jonny, help. The baby's trying to kill me.
I can't believe how much you've hurt me.
You're a total bitch.
(Siren wails)
Gaz!