Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 10 - Who's the Daddy? - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

Right. Hot water, towels...
Just like in the films.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Sat in labour, swigging my beer.

That's damage juice! You'll harm the foetus.

It's not a foetus. It's a baby now.



It'll be here soon. My gran drank
Guinness all through her pregnancy.

You wonder why your mum
has such a small head.

It won't make any difference.

Aren't you supposed to be screaming

and saying "You ain't
coming near me with that again."

It's only just started.
We've got hours. Come and sit down.

You could have changed your pants.

If amniotic fluid turns your stomach,
what about if my perineum splits?

Your what does what?

Nothing. It'll be a delightful surprise.

- I suppose we'd best phone the doctor.
- Mm. I suppose.

You seem a bit too calm.
I wanted a bit more drama.

Aaagh!

Oh, my God! It's like someone opening
an umbrella up my arse!



Get an ambulance! Oh, mother
huffing-chuffing hell Jerusalem!

There, that's better.
It's always best to stick to the rules.

Oh, Jonny. I'm really frightened. It hurts.

Get an ambulance. This is the worst pain.

Aagh! No, this is the worst pain!

It only gets worse. Oh, yes! I'm the daddy.

I'm here.

Now... push.

Ooh.

What? Orgasm?

Don't be perverse. I never have one of those.

When I put my money in the charity box,

I felt all warm and fuzzy and...

Definitely an orgasm.

No, it wasn't, you sick bird.

Ooh!

The sick, the hungry and the pointless.

(Screaming)

I told the doctor how long it'd been

and he said you'd be fine and I quote,
"for ages, like".

Cup of tea?

Jonny, I am not fine.
I need to get to hospital now.

- He said you'd say that.
- Jonny, I know my own body.

I need painkillers and crisp
white sheets to ruin with placenta flob.

He said you'd say that.

Oh! I'm dying!

I'm dying! I'm about to die!

Oh! Jonny, help! The baby's trying to kill me.

Hm. No, he didn't say you'd say that.

I'll phone Gaz. He can bring the hoist.

I'm glad we're mates again.
It was hard work avoiding you.

I'm glad there's no rampant
sexual undercurrent between us

threatening to turn us
into unbridled raging shag gorillas.

Yup. Perfectly able to keep our hands
off each other.

Perfectly. Check this out.

I've been practising on a fire.

(Mobile rings)

- Who's that?
- Just some girl I've been seeing.

- Oh. What's she like?
- Complete opposite of you, actually.

Yeah. Straight blonde hair. Really, really tall.

Grossly overweight. Opposite.

She sounds... like a Viking.

What's her name?

Jonny.

Short for Jonatheen.

Why, that's most unusual.

You're just jealous.

No. Why would I be when you sacked
Jonatheen off to sit here with me?

I didn't sack her off.
I'm just playing hard to get.

You're just a prawn
in my intricate game of ludo.

- I think you should phone her.
- OK.

Go on, then.

(Jonny) Hiya. Leave a message!

Yeah. Hi, Jonny... theen.

Sorry I missed your call, babes.
It's all a bit crazy down here in Sex Town.

Anyway, I'll catch you later.

Love you.

Phone Donna then. Phone anyone!

I'm trying. My phone's out of credit.

Damn you, Pay-As-You-Go.

Damn you, expensive polyphonic
ringtones of the latest chart hits.

Oh, answerphone.

- Yeah. Hi, Jonny... theen.
- It's Gaz.

Sorry I missed your call, babes.
It's all a bit crazy down here in Sex Town.

Anyway, I'll catch you later.
(Blows kiss)

I won't be seeing much of Gaz any more.

Look, if you care about me
and this baby, get us to a hospital now.

The doctor said not to. He's an
authority figure. They intimidate me.

It all started with that lollipop man -
the one I tried to lick.

I said, phone an ambulance!

- Are you sure it's that bad?
- What?

Jonny, please. I'm scared.

They'll give you drugs. It'll be like a rave.

How does a baby come out
of something so small?

Small? You think a lot of yourself.

Just phone the ambulance, Jonny!

It can't hurt that much. You're exaggerating.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. Nothing hurts that much.

I've always thought you women put it on a bit.

How would we ever find out?

Trust me, Jonny. This hurts.

I beg to differ.
You've never been kicked in the balls.

Nothing could be more painful.
It makes your whole abdomen...

Ambulance, please.

(Mobile rings)

- Who's that?
- Someone I've been seeing, actually.

Dave. And he's the complete opposite to you.

He never works out and he smokes shedloads

and he's a bit ugly.

Sounds like quite the catch.

I was meant to be meeting him
but I too am playing hard to get.

You should.
Any man would be lucky to have you.

- Thanks, Gaz.
- Well, except me.

Because my life without you
has just been so full of naked ladies.

That's great. Good for you.

One after another,
each one more naked than the last.

Fabulous. I'm so happy you've moved on.

- Do you know what?
- What?

You could give me the woman's side
and I could give you the man's.

Seeing as we're mates.
I could give you tips from my women.

Marvellous. And I can tell you
where you used to go wrong in bed.

I very much beg your pardon?

I can't even walk.

Well... are you sure
you're not just drunk?

Jonny, I need the ambulance.
I'm splitting in two.

They said they'll be here in half an hour.

That'll be too late. Go and find someone who
can take, someone from the pub.

- Good idea.
- Don't leave me!

Janet, I can't be in the pub and here.

Go and get me Jonny Two then.

OK, fine. But I don't want you
getting attached to him.

Why are you doing this to me?

- OK?
- I am now he's here.

He's gone when the baby arrives.
His job is done.

I've seen the way you look at him.

(Whinnying scream)

That's a new one.
Janet, you stay here. Jonny Two...

watch it!

What exactly did I do wrong in bed?

- Nothing specific.
- I was just generally rubbish?

- No. You were fine.
- Fine?

Linen is fine. The weather's fine.

I got caught in some drizzle -
a bit like you in bed.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

It's not what you say to someone
who's doing their best.

"Sorry, love. Can't feel a thing."

If you couldn't feel a thing,
the problem's yours.

Possibly nerve damage.
I spent hours nervellating you.

It's not that you didn't try.
You could go for hours.

- That's right.
- On and on and on.

Anyway, I don't want to argue
about your failings as a lover.

I just thought I'd tell you
where you were going wrong.

For your naked ladies.
I didn't want to offend you.

Sorry, am I being peculiar?

Usually when you tell a man
they're no good in bed, they do a jig.

OK. Have a go at me if you want.
What did I use to do wrong?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

No, you were perfect, Donna.

Even my drunken blow jobs?

The ones with all the teeth.

Even those. But I was crap.
Isn't it nice being friends?

Come on, it's funny.

Funny?! Funny is the elderly falling over.

Funny is when rich people die.

- Funny isn't pointing out my flaws.
- Gaz.

- We shouldn't be friends.
- Come on.

I can't believe
how much you've hurt me. I'm...

Sorry to say it, but you're a total bitch.

- Gaz...
- I never want to see you again.

(Siren wails)

Gaz!

Oh. Don't mind if I do.

- Hi!
- Oh, Louise. I'm having a baby.

Yes. You told us that already. Yawny-yawn.

- Do you mind if I take stuff?
- Why?

I'm fundraising. It makes me feel warm.

Oh.

Stop that and get me to hospital!

I'm doing you a favour.

Look. Nasty McFly album.

Sharp corners. Baby eyes. Waah! Waah!

And look. Nasty empty wheelchair.

Making baby think that disabled
people can go invisible.

That's it. Jonny's old wheelchair.

And these tiny clothes. What
do you adults need with them, eh?

Louise, you're going to wheel me to hospital.

But how can I get my warm fuzziness
if I can't raise funds?

(Squeals) Ow! You're hurting me.

Just be grateful you have no testicles.

(Louise) Why build a hospital
on top of a hill?

- So we can have jolly times together.
- I'm getting a hernia.

I would kill for a bloody hernia.

I should be doing a good deed.

Instead I'm pushing my distressed
friend uphill to hospital.

Ooh...

I'm getting that warm feeling again.

- Louise!
- Janet?

- Louise!
- Janet!

Louise! (Screams)

Janet! Janet!

Janet!

(Crashing)

(Whimpers)

- What's happened?
- He was run over by the paramedics.

You've robbed our ambulance.

- This is meant for Janet.
- What's up with Janet?

Let me see... she has a slight cold,
a touch of the heebie-jeebies

and she's in labour!

- Shouldn't somebody be with her?
- What a smashing idea!

What about the paramedics
and the father of the baby?

No...

No, you don't want me there.

- What did he say?
- He said...

(Mumbles) That's what I heard.

- No. He said... He said...
- Jonny...

If I don't pull through...

raise him as if he was your own.

That's it. I'm never doing a kind thing again.

(Gasping)

Oh... Aagh!

Slap!

You can't hit him. He's been run over.

I would have gobbed Janet, but she's vanished.

Jonny, what Gaz said before...

No. What Gaz said before was right.
It's obvious now.

Janet had a one-night stand
nine months ago.

You and Gaz split up.
You weren't talking to Janet for ages.

And everyone's being nice to me.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

This is all going to end in a tearful
showdown - possibly in the rain.

You can't throw everything away.

Why not? Gaz cheated, so you left.
Janet cheated, so I'm leaving.

Janet didn't cheat. You were with Kate.

Oh, yeah.

She was fit.

As much as I hate what they did,
neither of them got anything out of it.

- Except a baby.
- And this isn't the baby's fault.

No. I'd never take it out on him. But
I want nothing to do with that harlot.

So what are you doing here?

Um... Well, I came primarily to slap Gaz.

And... And to deliver divorce papers.

They're in my pocket.

Of my other jacket.

Rusks.

I love these things.

When the baby's teething, we can stay
up having rusk-sucking competitions.

Janet will tell us off
for making too much noise

and I'm gonna say
"We don't need this crap, mo fo."

And the baby's gonna tell her to eff off
and then we'll high five.

And Janet will go "Tut!" and she'll say...

"My boys" and she'll smile and...

That's not gonna happen any more, is it?

(Agonised bellowing)

Why couldn't I find anyone
that I could help? Even here.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I know. I'll try A&E.

Get Jonny! I need Jonny!

OK. If I see him,
I'll tell him you said hi. Ta-ra.

(Screaming)

Will he be OK?

Yup. Free to wander the streets
looking for naked ladies.

He never did that, ever. He's wanked
himself half-blind since you left.

And I should know.

I don't know why I should know, but I do.

Are you telling me he's not had
anyone in bed since we split up?

- No. He only wants you, Donna.
- Has he said anything about me?

He never stops saying things about
you. Donna did this, Donna did that.

It's nice to know you're doing this and that.

- Would you forgive Janet?
- Never.

Not even if she was hit
by one of the emergency services.

Not even if she begged
in that special way she does.

On her knees proffering an assortment
of biscuits and beer. Not even...

- Jonny, Janet's asking for you.
- Janet!

Hi, Donna. Hi, Gaz. What are you doing here?

- There's been an accident.
- Oh, that's great.

- Would you like to make a donation?
- Get out.

I get a cold feeling from you.

Are you awake?

Gaz, I'm really sorry what I said before.
I didn't mean it.

When you started going on
about your stupid new women,

I just wanted to hurt you and then
the ambulance did that for me.

I'm so glad you have such a small brain.

Bloody bastard.

I mean, look at you.

I mean, you're not...

You shouldn't be what I want.

You can't spell.

You prefer Ministry of Mayhem to Dick & Dom.

But I love you.

Gaz, are you OK?

- No, not really. Are you?
- No.

- I heard what you said.
- I thought you were concussed.

I am. I could hear you double.

Sorry.

I need to tell you something.

There was no Jonatheen.

Shocker.

So where does this leave us?

Dunno.

I quite like it here, though.

Yeah. Me too.

- These curtains draw round?
- I'm on it.

- Did I miss it?
- No, you were there.

Did I make a fool of myself?

No. You were very brave.

Am I thin again?

No. You're still pretty fat.

- Where is he?
- Here in the cot.

- Can we pick him up?
- Dunno. I haven't asked him.

Who does he look like?

Gaz.

What? What are you talking about?

It's Gaz's baby, Janet. You shagged Gaz.

I'm hallucinating.

This is a terrible nightmare
brought on by the anaesthetic.

If you were hallucinating,

I would be wearing a thong
and grappling with a centurion.

I'm so tired, Jonny.

We'll talk later. I just...
I can't keep my eyes open.

Listen here, Sonny Jim.

You don't like me and I don't like you...

(Crying)

Shh...

♪ Thundercats are on the move
Thundercats are loose... ♪

(Sneezes)

Yeah. That was my favourite lullaby as well.

You don't look that much like Gaz, you know.

You've got Janet's nose.

And Janet's chin.

You've got little bits of Janet's womb
stuck to your forehead.

New baby smell.

It smells of...

biscuits.

That's the unmistakeable aroma
of a 1992 Jammy Dodger.

Do you like biscuits?

Do you like football?

What about beer?

I'm going to take that snot bubble as a yes.

You're so pretty.

Like a little version of Janet
but you've got my...

They're my eyes.

And... And they're my hands.

All iddy-biddy.

And they're my feet. I wear socks like that.

Oh. And that's my...

That's my family.

Who's the daddy?!

(Crying)

Ooh. Shit. Sorry, mate.

Jonny...

Please don't go. Don't leave us. I'm so sorry.

Janet, what do you mean?
What are you talking about?

You've been hallucinating again.

You said about the baby.

- The baby has a name, Janet.
- Does he?

Yeah. Corinthian.

Corinthian McVitie Keogh, your son.

Who's a pretty boy?

Mummy could just vomit with love.

Thank God you're here.

I'm getting absolutely no attention at home.

My best mate's a baby bore.

How dare you?

14 hours of labour. The miracle of life.

A chuff like a wizard's sleeve.

Don't leave me like this. I'm vaguely aroused.