Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 7 - Crab - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger, now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

(Mumbles)

Donna.

(Laughing) Donna, stop it.
It tickles. Donna.

Where did that come from?

Jonny! Jonny! It's your wedding day. Ha ha!



Jonny?

Jonny?

(Radio) There still are delays on the M62...

Gaz, stop poking me with it.

(Radio continues)

Uh...

(Gasps) Janet! Janet!

Wedding day!

♪ Here comes the bride
and here comes the groom

♪ And here comes your drunk auntie
fighting with a shoe ♪

Louise, Janet's not up.
Should we make her breakfast?

- What is wedding, Alpen or Shreddies?
- Toast.

Oh, lateral thinking. Like it.

I can't believe you're not concerned about
me. It's my trial today.



Sorry, but I think Janet's wedding
takes priority.

People get married every day.

It's not often you see your friend charged
with homicide, life on the streets.

- It's not homicide, life on the streets.
- It will be unless you watch me in court.

We'll try and nip in before the ceremony,
but for now we've got to get Janet up!

- I'll make toast. You're on brew duties.
- There's no point. She's not here.

She's just upstairs having a lie-in.

No, I checked when I woke up,
in case she'd taken the easy way out.

Where is she? Did she leave a note?

Well, they usually do when they take
the easy way out. But no, I checked.

We've got to find her. What if she's run off
because of the pressure? A lot do.

- She'll come back when she's hungry.
- Louise, the wedding's in three hours.

My trial's in two. I win.

Kelly, have you seen Jonny?

I would tell you,
but it's gonna cost you, mind.

- How much?
- A fiver.

He's getting married today.
He was supposed to be with me last night.

Stop worrying.
He'll have gone round to see his missus.

Donna's there. I can't barge in now I've lost
the groom. She'll think I'm stupid.

She wouldn't. I'll tell you
what I heard Donna thinks about you.

It's gonna cost you, mind.

- How much?
- Fiver.

(Coins jingle in pocket)

(Gaz sighs)

- So, what'd you hear?
- Nothing.

This is terrible. Janet's gonna kill me.
I've lost her husband.

Calm down. Just think,
where did you last leave him?

He was chained to a lamppost naked.

(Gasps) No! He'll still be there!

No, I unchained him last night
when I walked home.

It was the least I could do
after spending two hours groping him.

- Do you think he'll be at Janet's?
- Give her a bell.

Use the pub phone.

- Cheers.
- Cost you, mind.

No, Gaz, we haven't seen Jonny or Janet.

Donna's going spare.

Yep, she seems pretty worried, Gaz.

Yep, she's doing that cute thing
with her lip, Gaz.

Hold on, Gaz, I'll ask.

Are you wearing the white lace pants
with the heart-shape cutouts?

Jonny's disappeared too.

What if they've decided not to get married?

So what? They're always doing that.
What difference does it make?

There's a baby involved now,
and everyone's feelings.

It's the only thing Janet's wanted
since she was little.

- To get married?
- Yes.

That's why there's pictures of us dressed
in sheets pretending to be brides.

My God. I thought you were playing
Klu Klux Klan.

Is that why you didn't speak to us in school?

If you like.

She made such a fuss last time
she was getting married, she ran away.

- What if that's happened?
- It's her decision.

Don't you get it?
If they don't get married today,

everything could go tits up.

Jonny'll want to know why, he'll find out about
Gaz and Janet sleeping together...

You're getting hysterical!

- Do you need a slap?
- No.

This year, my life's been a big bag of
fish head's. I can't cope any more.

Oh... Still can't tempt you with that slap?

We've got to find them.
We've got to get them married.

Donna, they're bound to turn up in the end.
Just calm down and get dressed.

No. I've got to find them.

I've got to phone Gaz.

OK, I'm off.

It's my only option,
teaming up with the man I most despise.

No, it's not. Your car's outside.
You could drive round looking for them.

No, I'd have to phone Gaz.

Or, you could phone round
their parents and friends first.

I hate him, and now I have to phone him.

Or, you could give Janet's mobile a bell.
That'd be the easiest thing.

No, my only option...

My only way of finding Janet
and ending this torment

that would hurt me immeasurably to say

is to call Gaz.

(Door opens)

(Rustling sounds)

(Janet) Oh, my God.
(Jonny) Oh, my God!

- (Engine starts)
- (Janet moans) Ow.

(Jonny) Ow!
(Janet) What happened?

(Jonny) Where are we?

We're in a truck. What did we do last night?

Don't you know? You weren't drinking.

I wasn't. I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
I always sleep heavy, don't I?

Don't panic. We may be inside a truck...
inside our living room.

Oh, God. I don't remember anything.

I'm starting to remember.

- I was tied to a lamppost.
- Yeah.

As I was being molested,
I thought to myself -

why don't I give Janet the wedding
she really wants.

In a truck?

Full of crabs?

- It wouldn't make much sense now.
- Where are we?

- So, I came home...
- Where are we, Jonny?

I couldn't wake you up,
so I poked you in the eye.

Oh, yeah.

I woke you up, said to you,

"Here, have some vodka.

"It's been five months.
It won't hurt the baby."

And as the bottle was ripped from my hands,

I formulated a plan,
an elaborate yet time-conserving plan.

A plan?

Yes...

which I've now forgotten.

Why do I do things when I'm drunk?
You should stop me.

You should've learnt from when
I brought that otter home.

I would have, only me and the baby
have been drugged, kidnapped and...

I can't believe you put on
my wedding dress.

That was your idea, as was the kebab.

- (Door opens)
- Donna?

(Door shuts)

Hello, Gaz.

They're not here, not at mine,
not answering their mobiles.

OK, so, no, "Hello, Donna"?

You never could say "hello".
One thing I hate about you.

I can say "hello".
I've said it twice this morning.

Once to the postman and once
while singing along to Lionel Richie.

And you're so belligerent.

(Scoffs) I'm not belligerent, I'm English.

What's got into you today?

The same thing that gets into me
when I see you.

Would I be right in thinking
sex to the power of three?

No, hate. I hate you.

You're the only one
who can help me find them pair.

Why? Why couldn't you have looked
on your own?

Well...

I'll tell you why. Sex, cubed.

That's ridiculous. I need you here
because you know Jonny's hide-outs.

We haven't got a secret den
with "no girls" on the door.

Yes, you do. It's behind the garage.

Yes, well, he won't be there.

His mum needed the curtains back
and we just lost interest.

- So, you'll help me?
- All right, but you've gotta be nice to me.

(Chuckles) You slept with my best mate.

Uh-uh, that's not nice.

- Come on, let's go.
- You know, you look really pretty today.

Well...

Janet picked out the dress. Thank you.

It really brings out your tits.

I hate you!

- (Banging)
- (Janet) Help!

We're trapped! In a truck!

The one with crabs in!

What? It's best to be specific.

We could be in a warehouse of trucks,
each one carrying a different crustacean.

It's no use, no one can hear us.
(Sighs) Oh, God.

(Sighs) Are you thinking
we're gonna run out of air and die?

I am now, Jonny, yes!

You can have my air. (Blows)

Have you had a bite of crab?

We did do another thing last night that might
explain the smell of me breath.

(Engine starts)

- Huh?
- We're moving.

(Janet) Oh, God.
We could end up anywhere.

Quick, bang on the back of the cab.
The driver could hear you.

I said "cab".

Erm, as you can see, I've been doing
a lot of good work generally.

And you have no previous convictions.

Mr Keogh himself has written
to exonerate your character.

Yeah, I helped with that - the typing,
the wording, the kisses at the end.

Your psychotherapist has recommended
a non-custodial sentence.

And I haven't got anybody shot for ages.

And I bought a lovely pair of slouch boots.

Yes... So, from
the professional recommendations

I think that we can surmise this was
just an act of supreme stupidity.

What?!

Ah...

You know what? I could get used to this.

I say we have a bash at living here,
see how things pan out.

He's been driving for ages.
Try shouting again.

- No.
- Why not?

Cos he might be a murderer.

Finds a couple in his van
eating his crab and swigging his booze.

- Hey.
- He rips open the back doors,

rolls us in a carpet and casts us from the
highest tower into a river of molten lava.

It was on Sinbad.

What are the odds of him being a murderer?

What are the odds of us waking up
in a truck on our wedding day?

- I'd say 50/50.
- We'll just have to wait.

- Let's play a game.
- No. I want to be at our wedding.

Come on, it'll pass the time.

(Sighs) Fine. What do you want to play?

Oh, I know. Asylum Seeker.

You get under the crates and hide.
If I find you I shout,

"Deported!" and I win.

- Oh, my God. D'you know what?
- What?

I've just realised something. These crates...

Crab, champagne...
(Sniffs)... baked beans...

This is our wedding breakfast.

My elaborate yet time-conserving plan.

(Engine shuts off)

How dare you call me stupid when I'm the only
one of my friends with a degree.

In sociology.

I know the difference
between men and women.

But it was your fault that Mr Keogh got shot.

I'm not admitting I'm stupid. You're stupid!

Then I'm sorry, Miss Brooks.

It looks as if we'll have to penalise you
to a greater extent than we'd planned.

Oh...

- (Jonny sighs)
- (Janet sighs)

The driver's not coming back, is he?

Jonny, you know what?

This wasn't ever meant to happen, was it?

- Don't say that.
- Oh, it's true.

We keep proposing, splitting up, re-proposing,
ending up in a truck.

Now, that's only happened once.

Next time, it could be a donkey sanctuary
or a lighthouse or Hong Kong.

See how much fun I am to be with.
Don't get angry, please.

I'm not angry. I'm just sad.

Don't you see?

We just were never meant to be married,
and I think I know why.

No, you don't. You don't know anything.
You're stupid, shut up.

We will get married. It just won't be...

Jonny... I need to tell you something.

I don't want to hear it. The last time,
it ended with, "I'm not in love with you."

It's not that. I love you more than anything.

I think that God is punishing me
by not letting me marry you because...

because of this.

Oh...

Your kebab juice only makes me
love you more.

Interestingly, not the first time
I've used that sentence.

No. It's too horrible.

You shouldn't want to marry me.
I'm a horrible person.

- Well, thanks very much.
- What?

It's a bit of an insult to me, isn't it?

I want to marry this horrible person,
ergo I'm horrible by proxy.

Like when Chris dragged Billy
down to his level.

No, you're too good for me.

No, I'm not. I'm just as rubbish.
You're just hormonal cos of our baby.

- No.
- Janet!

There is nothing you could say
to stop me marrying you.

Unless like, you'd slept with Gaz
or something.

(Giggles nervously)

Sorry. Hormones.

Kelly, have you seen Janet?

Yeah, loads of times. She's always in here.

- Today? Have you seen her today?
- No.

Oh, hold on. Is that her?

This is hopeless. We're never gonna find them.

Another thing I've lost. Everything is ruined.

You've still got me.

You blew it, Gaz.

There's no way in 8,000 million billion years
you've got a chance with me.

What about after that?

No.

- If I was the last man alive?
- Not even then.

That's fair enough.

If I was the last man,
I'd be knocking on Rachel Stevens' door.

Good.

What about if we were stranded
on a desert island?

Let me think. Er...

No! If we were on a desert island,

I would make a raft and paddle
as far away from you as I could.

You wouldn't make a raft.
You're no good with joinery.

I would go and live
on the other side of the island.

- The island's eight foot.
- I would ignore you.

What if I caught you a fish?
Would you talk to me?

- What kind of fish?
- A big fish.

Might... No!

- Where can they be?
- Time's getting on.

If they're getting married,
they'll be at the town hall.

I suppose.
But if they're not there, then that's it.

Everything's ended. No more Janet
and Jonny. No more Donna and Gaz.

My mum's dead. I have ugly shoes.

Everything about my life has come to an end.

- Don't say that.
- Thanks. It's nice to know you care.

No, I just can't stand the sound of your voice.

I'd do anything to get their names on that
wedding certificate by the end of the day.

Anything?

Help!

What if I'd murdered someone?

Plenty of people are murderers. Doesn't mean
they don't make great wives.

I'd marry Fred West if he whipped up
an omelette as good as yours.

- What if I'd robbed a post office?
- Bring on the stamps.

I haven't. I haven't done anything
as bad as that.

The only thing that would stop me
is if you'd slept with my best mate.

And frankly, you ain't exactly Gaz's type.

What? What's wrong with me?

Nothing. You're good enough for me
but I'm less choosy.

- The girlfriend before you, for example.
- The one that didn't exist?

That's the girl. Henrietta.

I went out with her for a long time.
And the one before.

With the eye patch?

If you looked beyond her piratey exterior,
she was very random.

So, you don't think that I could get Gaz?

Janet, Gaz wouldn't be interested
in you for hundreds of reasons.

I could give you two why he would.

But you broke those walkie-talkies ages ago.

So, what if I was to tell you
that I'd slept with Gaz?

I'd say, "Ha!" and then, "Ha!"
and then I'd chuckle lightly.

Jonny... I slept with Gaz.

Ha. Ha.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

I want you, Janet. I want to be your husband.

Even though I just said I slept with Gaz?

(Sighs) Whatever it is, I don't care.

You little, bizarre, hormone-filled,
kebab-stink woman.

I want to marry you.

- Then let's do it, now.
- How? We don't know where we are?

We'll never make the registry office.

We wrote our own vows. We could just do it
here. Just me and you and...

that crab over there.

Where are they? They're supposed to be here.

There'll be other times to get married.

If their names don't go on that wedding
certificate today, it'll never happen.

I'll sort it, Donna.
I'll do anything to make that happen.

(Louise) Donna!

This could be the happiest day of my life.

I got community service.

I thought you were getting a fine.
Community service is much worse.

They've put me in charge of
teenage girls. It'll be like school.

You know, when I was a bully. Yay!

They punish you for nearly committing murder
by putting you with children.

What can I say. The law is an ass.

Where's Janet?
I need to tell her the good news.

(Whispers) Donna.

- You ready?
- What for?

- Janet Smith?
- That's her.

I told you I'd sort it.

He's just like a registrar...

only you can soufflé him afterwards.

- Go on, then. You go first.
- Oh, OK.

- You didn't learn them?
- There's a lot.

I suppose there is. Go ahead, then.

"Go ahead, then"? The crab wouldn't appreciate
that in a place of worship.

Sorry.

- Please proceed.
- That's a bit too formal.

Erm... Jonny, my dear dear Jonny,
do us your vows.

- Ahem, Janet.
- Yes.

Janet, I've known you for ages,
longer than I've known, ooh, let's say Kelly.

Kelly's in our wedding vows?

And having known you as a woman,
in bed, having sex,

I have thus babbied you up.

We are getting wed. You would be like all the
other mums on the estate if not.

- Jonny!
- There's more.

And thus Jonny has begat a baby
with you, thus Janet.

And so, by the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you me wife.

You may kiss me face.

(Laughs) Mwah!
That was beautiful. My turn.

I can't believe we're doing this.

- They have to get on that certificate.
- We're not them. We'll get caught.

No, we won't. Think about it. This is
the best present you can get for Janet.

- You've not been a good friend recently.
- Oh, you're so dead.

- Jonny, Janet.
- Louise. Hi.

I believe you've written your own vows.

Whoa, you're dead twice.

Did you say "dead nice" or "dead twice"?

Just checking.

- It's a poem.
- Does it rhyme?

Of course. Who do you think I am,
ee cummings?

Who?

He's a poet. I've been robbing bits off
of people, mostly Daniel Bedingfield.

OK. Go on, then.

It's in three parts. Stanza one, limerick.

Cool.

There once was a young man named Jon.

- Ny.
- What?

Jonny. You never call me Jon.

Not much rhymed with Jonny. Bonny was about
all I could come up with.

And "hey nonny nonny",
but I thought that was rather derivative.

OK.

There once was a young man named Jon
Who I loved very much like a swan

- Swan?
- He had dark brown hair

And he growled like a bear
And then for his tea he had scone-s

Spoke to me, that did, love.

OK. Stanza two, the epic poem.

- It's a haiku.
- Ooh.

One two three four five

One two three four five six se...
ven one two three four

No matter what happened,
is happening or will happen in the future,

I'll promise I'm gonna be there.
Every time you turn around I'll be there.

Waving, simply waving.

Like this...

My darling husband-to-be... Ahem...

Ever since you shagged my best friend
and got her up the duff,

I can think of no better way to spend
my life than with a bastard like you.

What we had, you stamped on,

did a shit on, stamped on again
and gave me your shoes.

For this, I thank you, my darling.

So, I believe, we'll unite as people
who both hate Gaz Wilkinson.

That man, Gaz Wilkinson,
who is rubbish in bed.

That man, Gaz Wilkinson,
who owns a Hanson album.

That man, Gaz Wilkinson,
who has a birthmark

in the shape of another man's penis directly
over his bum hole.

Is everything OK?

They're very much in love.

(Whispers) They're both just a bit special.

(Both giggle)

- So... Mrs Keogh.
- (Giggles)

- Mrs Keogh.
- (Giggles)

- Say it again just one more time.
- Mrs Keogh.

- No, it wasn't as good that time.
- Oh.

- What should we do now, Mrs Keogh?
- (Giggles)

- Oh, yeah, still got it.
- (Giggles)

Hold that a little higher and squeeze together.

Can we get a smile from the blushing bride?

(Jonny) The town hall!
(Janet) Donna!

Janet...

is my name.

- (Gaz) What happened to you?
- We got married.

- So did we. Look!
- (Janet) What?

Well, me, Janet, and he, Jonny, got married.

- But we missed it.
- You didn't miss anything.

In the eyes of the law,
Me Janet and He Jonny got married.

- Oh, my God.
- Donna, did you?

Thank you.

This truly was the happiest day of my life.

- Me too.
- Me too.

- Me too.
- Don't even think about it, twat bag.

(Photographer) Everybody say cheese.
(All) Cheese!

Look what you've done to my Rascal.

Oh, my God, you're Gaz.

I had my routine when it was just me.

Get a job, then.

Can Jonny have the potman's job?

(Hyperventilates)

Coo-ey! Baba, wake up.