Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 6 - Antlers - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger, now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

(Television on)

Jonny, I like Fanny.

I see. If that's the way you feel,
I should pack my bags and leave.

I mean, as a name for the baby.

No son of mine is being called Fanny.



Says the man
who wants to call the baby Churchill.

Churchill's different.
That dog's a national institution.

I'll ask the hen night girls
if they've got any ideas.

- You're not having a hen night.
- You're having a stag night.

Yes, I am. The rowdiest, most kickingest,
most top-tastic stag night in history!

- But I'm not with child.
- So what?

You can have a little tea party
if you stay in and have it here.

We're hens. You can't keep us cooped up.

Uh-uh, you can keep hens cooped up.
You know why?

To protect their little eggs.

Stop tricking me with farmyard metaphors.

I want to have a bit of fun before the wedding.

No point going out. You can't drink,
you can't smoke, you can't dance.

Why does being pregnant mean I can't dance?



Who said it was cos you were pregnant?

Maybe I could have a baby shower.

It's a party where stupid women
bring presents for the baby.

What presents would you give to a baby?
Oh, I know.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

You're so greedy, Jonny.
Always wanting myrrh!

Look at the present I've sorted out for Friday.

- Donna, I thought you'd forgotten.
- Forgotten?

My court appearance.
It's traditional to buy a little something.

Jewellery, something small
in case I need to smuggle it up my...

Before you go further down that route,
it's for Janet, for the wedding.

Euwww! You must really hate her.

No. We've made friends.

She's sorry and I've forgiven her.

What about my last night of freedom?

Before I get sent to prison for a crime
I did not commit.

- You won't go to prison, you'll get a fine.
- That's what they said to Gary Glitter.

No, it isn't.

It's got to be the greatest night out ever.

Booze, violence
and meaningless sexual activity.

That's not like you.

I know, but I've got to cram the rest
of my youth into that one evening.

After the trial, there'll be no more
sexy young boys for a while.

Which possibly is
what they said to Gary Glitter.

So, me fellow stags,
we start off with a few pints here,

- go-karting, a Ruby Murray, then a club.
- Sounds good.

Not forgetting to humiliate Jonny
at every given opportunity.

So we'll be reminding him of the time
he wet himself watching Gentle Ben.

That time he got savaged by that badger!

And the time he got run over
by that milk float and nearly died!

The time you shagged his missus!

No, no, no, no.

- How do you know that?
- Everyone knows.

- Jonny doesn't. Keep that to yourself.
- No chance. Not after a couple of beers.

Bound to come out.
We'll accidentally let it slip or make a joke.

Or we'll show him our T-shirts.

- It's subtle, like, but I think he'll get it.
- So when is this stag night?

Dunno. It isn't finalised...

It's this Thursday.

No, it isn't.

- Yeah, it is. You booked the bar.
- No, I haven't.

Whenever the stag night is, it's not
this Thursday. Don't come here on Thursday.

No point in coming here this Thursday.
Be a complete and utter waste of time.

- Gives us time to arrange the billboard.
- See you next week.

- I'll cancel the booking, then, shall I?
- No, don't. It is this Thursday.

I can't ask people
who know about me and Janet.

Everyone I talk to seems to know.

I say, "Did you know about that Gaz
sleeping with that Janet?"

- If they say no, my lips are sealed.
- Who told you?

Munch. He said, "Did you know about
that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"

I said no. He said, "My lips are sealed."
Which Janet's obviously weren't.

Could you please not mention it
to anyone else?

- Mention what?
- About that Gaz sleeping with...

Goose.

I made love to a goose.

I don't want to talk about it.

Right, stag night.
Are you gonna humiliate me?

- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Are you gonna make me cry?

- We'll certainly do our best.
- Just saw Lee and Ste. Are they coming?

They can't make it.
No, they've got to go to hospital.

- God, what for?
- To have a testicle removed.

Both of them?

Lee is having it removed

and Ste's donating one to replace it.

Gaz, I think you're planning something.

- Could be.
- Nothing too raucous, though.

I know it's traditional to have a stripper
but some are a bit over the top.

They go all the way, take everything off.
Treat you like a sex object. It's obscene.

- Yeah, I know, Jonny.
- They rub their oily bodies all over you

and thrust their greasy nipples in your face.
It's disgusting.

I agree.

I've got some phone numbers
for some of the really dirty ones.

So you'll know what to avoid. I'll just
leave them here next to your phone.

Two cups of tea. I've warmed the handle
slightly for you, Donna.

- Cheers.
- Want a biscuit, a cake, a casserole?

No.

I'll get you some anyway,
just in case you change your mind.

- She can't relax.
- Sweet. She's so worried about my trial.

It's me she's worried about.

Ever since I've forgiven her,
she's been fussing round me.

Here we go.
Bakewell tarts, mini rolls, digestives.

Oh, no, digestives.
They're not good enough for you, Donna.

Janet, calm down.
Stop treating me like some sort of vicar.

I'm not. More tea?

No. We're supposed to be treating you.

I don't deserve to be treated.
I'm a horrible person.

- I'm just so glad you're my friend again.
- Not this again. We've moved on.

It's Gaz I'm angry with, not you.
Stop being sorry.

Sorry. I mean... sorry.

Now, I know it's not your wedding
just yet, but... I've got you a present.

- No, Donna, it's too much.
- No, it isn't.

She's right, Janet, it isn't.

(Tinkling tune)

Donna, it's beautiful.

It was mine when I was little.

I'd listen to it to drown out
the sound of Mum doing her pilots.

- Pilates!
- No, they were definitely pilots.

I was saving it for when I have kids
but since I haven't got any

and all men are bastards

and since the world has crushed
all hope of me ever finding happiness

and I'm gonna die...

a lonely spinster,

shunned by a society that cannot
comprehend the magnitude of my grief...

ta-daa!

Donna, I'm so touched.

This box will symbolise
our everlasting friendship.

If you're that impressed by something
from the back of Donna's cupboard,

wait till you see this.

Oh, a collage of photos of us. Louise,
that's brilliant. It must've taken ages.

It did.

Look, there's you on that carousel
at the fair, you last bonfire night,

you building a snowman,

you playing crazy golf,
you wearing a cowboy outfit.

They're all of you, Louise.

It's to remind you of me
while I'm rotting away in prison.

Head down, nose clean, doing me bird.
Five to ten in a pen.

- You aren't going to prison.
- I might.

So your hen night better be good.
Come on, Donna, let's find some drugs.

I'm not having a hen night.
I'm having a baby shower.

Why can't you have a proper hen night?

Stagger round Widnes with an L-plate,

giving blow jobs to herpes-ridden bouncers.

Delightful as that sounds,
I'll stick with the baby shower.

Brilliant. I'll be with a roomful of women
talking about mashed food and potties.

That's how I might be spending
the next ten years.

Just cos we're staying in
doesn't mean we can't have fun.

We can play records and board games.
Help me dig out Game of Life.

God help me.

- See you later.
- Mm.

(Crunch! Tinkling)

Oh, my shit!

- (Gaz) Hey!
- (Cheering)

All right? Wow!

Hey, Jonny, ready for your big night?

It's brilliant, Gaz. All these people.

Um... who are they?

What do you mean? They're the stags,
ready for a night of beer and mayhem.

Yeah, but I don't actually know any of them.

You do! You remember Greg.

- Glen.
- Glen.

- You were in the same year at school.
- I don't recognise you.

I lived in Nottingham at the time.

Remember Dave, the lad we used
to play football with after school?

This is the fella who cuts his hair.

Right. Wow.

What about the rest of those footie lads?
Are they coming?

Sorry, Jonny, it was a long time ago.

Many of those lads are now... dead.

- Paul Buxton isn't dead.
- Yeah, well...

H-He's in prison, you know, for life.

No, he isn't. I saw him in the chippy last
week. He said he was a web designer.

Well...

Unless he'd escaped and made
that story up so I wouldn't report him.

- Then he got caught again.
- Hard to believe, I know.

- Complaining about your stag night?
- No, no. What have you arranged?

That's for you to find out. Don't make
long-term plans for your pubic hair!

Just in case you need it - a timetable of
trains to Edinburgh. That one's nonstop.

Don't peak too soon. You've a lifetime
of catching up to do with these guys.

There you go. Cheers.

- To Jonny!
- (All) To Jonny!

(Louise) Hi.

I've brought booze, balloons,

and some of Mum's pills
in case things need pepping up.

This is it? This is my last night of freedom?

But you haven't done anything.

I have. I flushed the toilet.
Anyway, you're early.

I thought I'd make the most of my last night.

I might as well wander down to prison
and see if they'll let me in a day early.

- Things'll pick up.
- They'd better. Who have you invited?

- Ah, I...
- Oh, brilliant.

So it's you, me and Donna, same as
every other blooming night in my life.

I'm really sorry, Louise.

The thing is, you know the music box
Donna gave me?

I thought it was tacky, to be honest.

- I stood on it.
- Oh, good.

Does it still play?

Sort of.

(Plays tinkling music, cracks)

Let's have a look at it.

There you go, that's killed it.

Louise, I wasn't trying to break it.
I stepped on it by mistake.

Oh.

It was supposed to symbolise mine and
Donna's friendship and I've broken it.

- She'll think it means nothing to me.
- (Door opens)

- Hello.
- Donna, hi, hi.

- You're not gonna be all polite to me?
- No, you big witch.

- Good.
- Stick it up your bum hole!

- Thank you, I will.
- I hope you die.

- All right, Janet.
- Sorry, I went too far. Sorry, Donna.

Welcome to the party. Look at all the
wonderful preparations Janet has made.

- Have you flushed the toilet?
- Yes.

Well, then, what more do you want, fireworks?

Where are we going? Is it paintballing?
That's the best ever! No, Laser Quest!

- It's go-karting.
- Brilliant! That's the best ever!

- This is my best stag night ever!
- Get on.

- Hang about, there's too many of you.
- What?

You're exceeding the legal capacity.
Three of you will have to get off.

Is there anyone
who doesn't mind getting another cab?

It's fair enough, I suppose.
They are all mates an' that.

- Let's have a beer and follow on in a bit.
- I'll phone us another cab.

- Some of them lads knew about Janet.
- I've told you to stop discussing it.

It's all right. Jonny still doesn't know.
I don't think he does. Shall I find out?

Oi. No.

- Nervous?
- No. Why? I've done nothing wrong.

- I meant about the wedding.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, everything that's happened.
You and me and Jonny and...

- We've been through so much.
- I feel all sentimental now.

- Get your box out.
- I beg your pardon?

No, the music box.
Let's have a listen, me and you.

Um... no, it's my music box now.
You can't have it.

- I only want to listen to it.
- You can't.

- Janet.
- I've sold it.

- What?
- No, I haven't. I've lost it.

Not that either. That'd be terrible.

It's been stolen. That's right, by thieves.

Remember when I was about six
there was a fire at my house?

All that alcohol and peroxide -
bound to happen.

The one possession of mine
that survived was that box.

It's the only link I have to my childhood.
I just want to see it.

I've got us a party guest.

He was asleep on the pavement.

Doesn't speak any English
but he seems like a laugh.

What are you looking so miserable about?

- Janet won't give me the music box.
- Might as well, as you've smashed it.

- You've what?
- Smashed it. Yeah, she stamped on it.

You two keep this one entertained.
I'm going for some more guests.

Cheers.

Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- This is great, innit?
- Any sign of that taxi yet?

Sent Munch to flag one down but you
know what it's like getting a cab here.

Yeah, dead easy.
There's that taxi rank round the corner.

So... any second thoughts about tomorrow?

- You are young to have a wife and a kid.
- No, I'm not.

Girls I went to school with have got kids
older than I am. How's that possible?

I'm ready to settle down or I will be
after this one night of madness. Cheers!

Cheers! Two more over here, Kelly.

Lager's off and the bitter.
Those lads finished it all.

- What have you got?
- Couple of white wine spritzers.

Can we go now, Gaz?
I'm ready to start being humiliated.

OK, Jonny, you've asked for this.

I'm gonna beat you at dominoes.

I'm really sorry, Donna. And I'm not just
sorry for being sorry. I really am sorry.

I'll break something of mine to make
it even. I'll smash these sunglasses.

They were my sunglasses.

Oh, God, sorry. Um... my mobile, then.

Also mine.

Sorry. Um... This pot dog?

- That's yours.
- He's my most treasured possession.

I've had him yonks.

- Break, pot dog, break!
- Janet, what are you doing?

Must smash pot dog.
Can't be friends till I smash pot dog.

- It doesn't matter about the music box.
- It does! You hate me!

It doesn't. The thing is...
it's not quite as special as I made out.

- What?
- Well...

All that stuff about it being my mum's
and the fire, I... exaggerated a bit.

- What do you mean?
- I bought it from a jumble sale for 50p.

- Donna!
- I wanted it to be somethin' sentimental.

I haven't got anything.
Mum pawned all the valuables for drink.

So I... made something up.

- You cow!
- It's the thought that counts.

Bloody isn't!
I haven't slept, trying to fix that thing!

- I didn't know you'd stamp on it.
- Jesus, that is such a mean trick.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- You don't look very sorry.

- It's cos I'm glad you're acting normal.
- Oh, yeah, I am, aren't I? You bastard.

- You clumsy bitch!
- Cheapskate twat.

Come in, come in. Help yourselves to nibbles.

I'll get some music going.

Louise, who are all these people?

Oh, I managed to flag down
a minibus full of boys.

- Janet, this is Greg.
- Glen.

- I'm not sure about all this.
- Don't be a spoilsport.

Just imagine what the stags are up to.
Jonny's probably under the table.

Oh, no, it's a double three. I'll have to knock.

- I suppose we've missed the go-karts.
- (Phone bleeps)

Yes, but... Ooh, guess who that is
pulling up outside.

Santa!

No. Oh, I wonder who that could be.

It's her! It's my stripper!

Oh, I wonder what she'll be dressed as!
Schoolmistress! Policewoman!

Fireman!

I'll just go and... get meself started.

I'm looking for a patient called Jonny!

If he's going to get married,
he'll need his injections!

Hang on, I thought this was a stag night.

- I don't do one-on-ones.
- It is a stag night.

- Are you some kind of pervert?
- Yes, since you ask.

- Listen, when Jonny comes out, make...
- Hey, I know you.

- You're Gaz Wilkinson, aren't yer?
- Yeah.

You're the one who shagged
your best mate's fiancée.

- How do you know?
- Never you mind.

- Hiya, Kelly.
- All right, Sandra?

Don't tell me he doesn't know about it?
I'll have to say something.

You bloody won't! Do what you're paid for!

I don't think so. I let can't the wedding
go ahead if he doesn't know.

You're not the vicar,
you're a bloody strip-o-gram.

- That's one step up from a prostitute!
- Right, I'm definitely telling him now.

Where is he?

(# Tape recorder: The Stripper)

(Turns off music)

That was brilliant, Gaz.

Really... good.

First-rate.

I just wanted to give you a surprise, you know.

Just something you wouldn't expect.

Yeah, cos I was expecting a really fit girl...

and that was loads better.

- Cheers, mate.
- I think I might... go and have a wash.

That was crap, Gaz.

Even I'm not aroused.

No... no, actually I am.

I'd better change that drip tray.

Admittedly, it isn't the best stag night
I've ever been on.

If you were a real friend,
he'd be on a train to Edinburgh by now

with no eyebrows and the word "nonce"
tattooed on his forehead.

You're right.

- Hello. Is that Greg?
- Glen. It's not Greg, it's Glen.

- (# House music)
- What's the plan, Gaz?

So you got your big night out after all.

Turns out that music box was just
jumble sale tat, so we're all happy.

Not quite.

On my last night of freedom,
there's still one thing left to do.

Oh, Slobodan.

- I think I owe you an apology, Jonny.
- What for?

It was the worst stag night
in the history of marriage.

No, it wasn't.

We had a good time.

Spritzers, dominoes...

crisps.

- I thought you wanted ritual humiliation.
- Nah.

Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure.
- See, that's a shame because...

(Raucous shouting)

You all set? Last chance to wrap your
belongings in a tea towel and run away.

Jonny'd never get over it.
He loves that tea towel.

Janet told me about that music box.
You didn't get it from a jumble sale.

- I did.
- No, it had your name on the bottom.

- Yeah, well...
- It was a family heirloom, wasn't it?

- Only your family would be that tacky.
- Yeah, well, don't tell Janet, will you?

Course not. It's much better this way.
Janet's happier, she doesn't feel guilty.

- She thinks your present's better.
- Exactly! Everyone's a winner.

Thanks for the baby shower, Louise.
It was a riot.

No problemo.

Come on, Slobodan.

Bed.

Night, Lou.

I think I'm gonna smash
Louise's collage into bits now.

- To prove you're friends with her, too?
- No, cos it's shit.

This is the best ever!

You're not a bit concerned about me.

It's my trial today.

Sorry, but Janet's wedding takes priority.

Kelly, have you seen Jonny?

There's no point. She's not here.

Where did you last leave him?

He was chained to a lamppost, naked.

What if they've decided not to get married?

Kelly, have you seen Janet?

No.