Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 5, Episode 5 - Potato People - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle
anything stronger, now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

- What's the strongest drink you've got?
- Er... absinthe.

Pint of that, then.

- All right, Jon?
- Not really.

- Gaz, I've had some bad news.
- Bad news?

- Is Janet all right? It's not the baby, is it?
- No. I'm banned from the off-licence.



- Again? Is that all?
- I won't be able to do my youth work.

Your youth work.
Buying cider for ten-year-olds.

It's important.
I bring joy to the community.

With a couple of cans down 'em,
you should see their little faces light up.

Some of us have got real problems like...

Don't tell anyone this, but I haven't
had sex since Donna left me.

Oh, my God, four days of abstinence.
You're a modern-day Gandhi.

96 hours!
You don't wanna be there when it blows.

Oh, you poor deprived child.
What can I do to help?

Ugh. Not very much.

- I could help.
- No, you couldn't.

I could shag you over a barrel
in the car park.

Sweet, but it'd only remind me of Donna.

It's one of those old-fashioned brown
ones with knobbly studs on the side.



- Sweet, but it'd remind me of Donna.
- Buggery.

That's sweet,
but it'd only remind me of Donna.

- I thought you wanted sex.
- The problem is not that I can't get sex.

I can walk into any club
and get a woman like that.

A flamenco dancer?

The problem is that
I'm keeping myself pure for Donna.

It's killing me, Jonny, it's killing me.

Four days?
Janet once gave up sex for Lent.

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday.

Rejected, rejected, rejected.

Enough job rejection letters
to paper the walls of a palace.

And they come up with feeble excuses.
Too young, too short, no pilot's licence.

But they all mean the same thing.
No one wants Louise.

You get one person shot in the knee,
suddenly you're a criminal.

There are lots of successful ex-criminals.

Like who?

Ooh, chocolates.

Don't touch those. I'm sending them to Donna.

"Please forgive me, Donna Donns,
for causing so much pain,

"but I only shagged your boyfriend once
and I defo won't do it again."

Well, I'll say this for it, Janet, it's crap.

Yes, I know. Hence the chocolates.

I could work as a lifestyle coach for Donna.

- She was a wreck last time I saw her.
- When was that?

After she found out you'd slept with Gaz.
She was suicidal.

Haven't spoken to her since.
Wonder what she's been up to.

I've not seen her either. I took flowers
round there and there was no answer.

- The factory said she's not been at work.
- Do you think that means...

Let's not jump to conclusions.

...there's a job going at the bucket factory?

- Louise!
- Don't shout at me. You drove her to it.

Oh, God.
I thought she needed time to cool down.

Well, if she's killed herself,
she's probably cooled down quite a bit.

- Right, I'm sending round an ambulance.
- Have you tried phoning her?

- Of course I have. There's no answer.
- Try letting the phone ring twice,

then hang up, then dial again.

- Her secret ring.
- She didn't want me to tell you.

Aw, that was our secret ring to avoid...

Who?

No one.

- Hello?
- Donna, it's Janet. Please don't hang up.

- I'm phoning to see if you're all right.
- I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?

- I don't know.
- You're lucky you caught me.

Cos I was just off out...

- to the ballet.
- OK, Donna.

And then I've got some friends
coming round to play Pictionary.

Oh. What friends?

- Jane...
- Jane who?

Jane Fridge.

Jane Fridge? Oh, I haven't spoke to her
for ages. Put her on.

- Got to go. Cab's here.
- Donna, wait, please!

I'm really glad you're OK.
See you soon, yeah?

Yep.

You won't patronise me with your pity!

I'm happy, happy, happy, tra la la!
I do not need friends like you!

OK, Donna, fair enough.

OK. OK, Donna,
you gotta get your act together now, girl.

Smarten yourself up, chuck out
your mum's alcohol, get back out there.

Show the world you've not given up,
you're a survivor!

Who are you talking to?

Maybe I should avoid temptation,
go far away from attractive women.

Bootle.

I'd go off and become a shepherd
if it wasn't for my crippling fear of...

those of whom we do not speak.

- Sheep?
- Don't say it!

Or you could become a monk like
St Francis or the Dalai Lama or Yoda.

- (As Yoda) Mmm.
- Yeah.

Imagine if monks really existed.

Gaz, they do exist.
They make the honey Janet buys.

- You're thinking of bees.
- And they brew beer. And pray.

Yeah, I could be a monk.

Spend all day praying for Donna to come
back and all night drinking beer. Belting.

Hey, do you reckon monks watch porn?

Yeah, every morning
in the foothills of the Himalayas,

they rise at five
for a day of quiet contemplation, fasting,

and a group wank over Tit-Fest 3000.

That's another thing.
I'm not masturbating any more.

Which adds about three hours to my day.

You shouldn't have let me think
Donna was dead. That was horrible.

Horrible, am I?
You slept with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I know. Sorry.
It was still a bit mean of you.

Mean, was I? Wasn't it mean to sleep
with Jonny's friend behind his back?

Yes, yes, you're right.
Er... can you wipe that up?

Wipe it up, can I? You weren't so fussy...

Yes, all right, Louise,
you've made your point.

- Donna not here?
- No. Why should she be?

She just split up with her boyfriend.

I listened to Gaz whinging.
I thought you'd do the same, being girls.

Nah, girls aren't like that any more.
Haven't you heard of Women's Lib?

We play rugby and go coal mining,
don't we, Louise?

- Have you and Donna fallen out?
- No.

We were never bezzy mates or anything.
We've just drifted apart a bit.

- In a week?
- Yes. Anyway, you're back early.

- I thought you could entertain me.
- How?

In that special way only you know how.

- Ugh!
- With warm milk and a Wagon Wheel.

Oh, I thought it was going to be
something disgusting.

It is.

I'm off. I won't find a job
hanging round with you.

- I know where there's a job.
- I'll take it.

- I like your spunk. You can start tonight.
- Tonight? What kind of a job is it?

It's in the wines and spirits industry,

working as a buyer on behalf of clients
traditionally excluded from the market.

Be with you in a minute, kids.

£1 mark-up on cans, 15% on wines
and spirits. Get the cash up front.

This isn't a job.
You said I'd be working in an office.

- I said you'd be working in an offy.
- Well, I'm not doing it.

- Come on, they won't serve me.
- Good.

I'll have a baby to provide for soon.
Think about that.

If you've any sense of decency,
you'll buy those children some liquor!

Jonny, it's immoral. You'll turn them
into alcoholics like that bag lady.

- Hiya, Donna.
- Hi.

- What's in the bag?
- Nothing.

- (Bottles clinking)
- Sounds like vodka.

It better not be for the kids.
Stay off my patch.

I was gonna throw 'em away.
Don't tell Janet.

- I'll have to. We don't have secrets.
- Hah!

She won't be bothered.
It's not like you're best mates, is it?

No.

Bingo. Louise, you can have the night off.

Come and get it, kids!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Bet you're surprised to see me in here.
- No.

Thought I'd get back out there, show 'em
they've not won, make new... friends.

Right. Who are you?

Oh, sorry. Donna Henshaw. Hi.
Pleased to meet you.

Oh, you're the one
that were going out with Gaz.

- That's me.
- Till he shagged your mate who's now...

Enough about me.
What are you up to these days?

- Do you still fancy him?
- No, I don't care about that bastard.

- He were in before.
- Did he look sad?

Yeah. I offered to cheer him up,
but he said he'd only have sex with you.

That's a... very moving story.

It's OK. The drayman came at three
so I did him instead.

Lovely. What's that?

Gin. It's what broken women always drink.

I'm not broken.
Can you get me an orange juice?

OK. It's in the other bar, as is the drayman.

Donna.

I saw you come in so...

Been to the crematorium, have we?

Yeah.

- You all right?
- Fine. Out making new friends.

It's all right, Donna, I'm suffering, too.

Since you left, I've not had sex with anyone.

- Big wow.
- Not even meself.

- Really?
- No, no. Not on purpose, anyway.

There was a moment yesterday when
the bus went over a speed bump and...

And there was one when I pulled on
some pants I'd just ironed and...

- Right.
- And one when this cat jumped on me...

You're meant to be faithful when you're
in a relationship, not when it's finished.

- But it hasn't finished.
- (Scoffs)

Ohhh! Ohhhh!

- I really wish you hadn't done that.
- God, you're disgusting!

If you don't come back soon,
I'll have to shag other women.

- I don't want to, but they'll make me.
- We will.

Good. Have anyone you want, have 'em
all. Stay out of my bastard way forever!

Donna, I don't want 'em all, I want you!
Donna!

Wow. Why do you love her so much?

I don't know.

The way she looks, the way she smells,
the things she says.

Like, "Stay out of my bastard way forever!"

Gets you right there, don't it?

- All set?
- I suppose so.

Hang on, if I'm doing all the work here,
what are you doing?

- Taking photographs.
- You are not.

Not of you. Of the kids drinking. Then
I shall sell the photos to their parents.

- We're providing an important service.
- You are a very strange person, Jonny.

Come on, mate, I'm thirsty.

- I am not your mate.
- Here y'are.

Hello?

- Kelly?
- Hello, Donna.

Whoa.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I... I like your hair...

and your make-up...

and your top... and your perfume.

Oh, thanks. I did it to copy you.

Great. Wh-why, exactly?

Cos we're friends, aren't we?
I want to do everything just like you do.

Stay out of my bastard way forever!

How did you know what I'd be wearing?

- Don't worry, I'm not telepathic.
- Right.

I looked through your window
while you had breakfast.

Toast, shredless marmalade,
and two sugars in your tea.

Well, I... I've got to be off.
I've got to meet someone.

Who? You haven't got any other friends.
Not that Jane Fridge?

- Still, I've got to go...
- I'll follow you.

I've got to go to the toilet.

The windows are locked.

- Then... I need some cigarettes.
- What brand? Let me write it down.

Donna, it's me. Donn... ahhh!

Oh... my God.

I know.

- Hello, Janet.
- Hi, Donna.

Um... are you OK?

(Robotically) I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, um... you didn't reply
to any of the messages I sent.

- Did you get my flowers?
- Yep.

And the teddy bear, the chocolate cornflakes,

the poems, the drawings,
the radio dedications.

- Was it too much?
- This morning was.

Those potato people carved to look
like me, with photographs for faces.

I didn't send them.

No, I quite understand. Bye.

- Where's the drink?
- They wouldn't serve me.

- Why not?
- They don't believe I'm old enough.

- Must be cos I look like a teenager.
- Or because you sound like a chipmunk.

Where's my Thunderbird?

- You'll have to wait a bit.
- How long?

Until time takes its toll
on my complexion. Could be years.

No way. Spitting feathers here.

Um... you couldn't go in for us,
could you?

- Go on, I'll give you 50p.
- No.

If I don't get some alcohol soon,

I'll tell me dad you were taking photos
of us from the bushes.

I've moved on, I've got new friends now.

Donna, she's not a friend,
she's a tribute act.

She's a very nice girl.
We've had some great times together.

You've only been friends with her
for a day.

Great times.

I... remember... Kelly cleared out
the ashtray for me.

And I filled it back up again. Great times.

Remember when we were about 12 and
we thought we got drunk off wine gums?

We weren't. It was the half-litre of vodka
we drank at my mum's that did it.

- And you were sick on the jukebox.
- You were. I had to clean it up.

- You were sick on the pinball machine.
- Yes, but that's easy to clean.

- Not like the pool table.
- All six pockets!

Can still smell it on a warm day.

See, Donna? So many lovely memories.

So many happy times.

- Hello.
- Hiya.

Aw, me and Donna were just talking
about all the things we've both done.

It's funny I should walk in, then.

- Why?
- Well, you've both done me so...

Well done, that was really tactful.

Sorry. Hey, hey, forget I came in.
Go back to being friendly.

Are these people bothering you?

No, we're not. Donna, you love us,
remember? You love me.

That's it, you're barred.

- What?
- That's sexual harassment of customers.

I won't stand for it so get out,
the both of yer!

- I haven't done anything.
- You're upsetting her! Get out!

Stay out of my bastard way forever!

I've done you a favour. If I wasn't careful,
you'd have made friends with her again.

Yeah, cheers, Kelly.

- (Bangs on door)
- Donna?

Donna? Can we borrow
some of your dead mother's alcohol?

- I don't think she's in.
- Maybe she drank herself unconscious.

- Or choked on her own vomit.
- Either way, she won't answer the door.

Wonder if there's a key somewhere.

There was actually a key
underneath that brick.

I know.

You get the carrier bags out,
I'll clear the cocktail cabinet.

Jonny, this is immoral.

Look, if the kids don't get their drink,
I don't get my photos.

The parents don't get their evidence,
my business goes bust.

Janet leaves me, the baby goes on eBay.

Is that what you want, Louise? Is it?

- I'll get the bags out.
- Cool.

That's weird. There's no booze.

Oh, my God, Jonny,
we've broken into the wrong house!

Think. Were would you keep booze
if you were a dead, alcoholic slag?

Kelly... I think you're a great girl...

and I know that you're in love with me.

- I'm what?
- You're in love with me.

I'm not in love with you. You're a girl.

But the clothes, the hair,
the use of foul language.

That's because Gaz fancies you

and, if I copy you,
maybe he'll start liking me instead.

- Ohhh.
- To be honest, I think you're a loser.

But if you fancy Gaz, why have you
just barred him from the pub?

Bugger! You made me do that! Get out!

- What?
- Stay out of my bastard way forever!

All right, Kelly, you win.
You can have Gaz.

- Can I?
- Yeah.

I'll give you his phone number.

And I'll tell you the one trick

that drives him absolutely wild.

- How do you think Donna looked?
- Drop-dead gorgeous.

No, I mean, like, in herself.
Spiritually, emotionally.

Oh, she looked drop-dead well-balanced.

Don't say "drop-dead",
I'm worried about her.

- We were getting on till you turned up.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm going back.
- No point.

- Her army of clones won't let you in.
- (Phone bleeps)

I'll wait at her house.
She can't stay in the pub forever.

Jonny, what's happened?

Kids today, they're like animals.

- I blame the parents.
- Well, they do let them run riot.

No, I mean, I blame the parents.
It's them that beat me up.

And I threw him a couple of sly digs.

You what? Right, you're fired.

You can't fire me. I quit.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Can I get a reference?

- Yeah, I'll email it to you.
- Ciao.

- Why did they beat you up?
- I don't know.

I explained we only got their kids drunk
to take incriminating photographs

and they went mad.

I've got no sympathy for you, Jonny.

- I'm just off to Donna's.
- Donna's?

Um... you might find the place
in a bit of a mess.

It's OK. She's a bit fragile. She probably
just hasn't done much housework.

Yes... that's what I meant.

- Donna's still not taken you back?
- No.

(Phone bleeps)

Now other women
are moving in like vultures.

Look. That Kelly's somehow got me number.

She's texting me to go round the pub.

If it's doing your head in that much,
just go for it.

You're right. For Donna's sake,
I should get meself some easy sex.

Brace yourself, Kelly, he's on his way.

Oh, my God, Donna, what's happened to you?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

Bleach. No, I can't let you keep that.

A knife! Oh, my God, there's no way
I can let you keep that in the house.

(Clattering outside)

Oh, God! Um...

Hello?

Hello, Janet.

Hello.

- What are you doing?
- Um... I was worried about you, Donna.

So you broke into my house
and hid in the dark with a big knife?

Well... yeah.

That's very reassuring.

Really, Donna, I know I'm really stupid,
but I feel really bad about...

I know you feel bad
and I know you're really stupid.

And I'm really pregnant
and I'm getting married really soon

and I really want you to be there.

- Really?
- Really.

So much for me making new friends.

If you ever want one of your old ones back...

What are you doing?

Helping you tidy up.

Hello, love.

Well, you've worn me down. Here it is.

- Quiet in here tonight.
- That's because I've barred everyone.

Tonight it's just you and me.

And I've arranged for a friend to join us.

Ooh, yeah!

Donna told me
it was your ultimate sexual fantasy.

- OK, why not? The more the merrier.
- Great! Well, I'll go and untether her.

Just this once, then
I'm definitely saving meself for Donna.

Better not let the word get round
or they'll come flocking.

(Bleating)

Oh, God!

Jonny, I like Fanny.

Get your box out.

If he's getting married,

he'll need his injections!

I got you a present.

Donna, it's beautiful.

(Crunch)

Oh, my shit.

I think you're planning something.

Could be.