Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 7 - Homeless and Horny - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪

(GAZ) Brilliant. Free porn.

I'll just do me warm-up
before me morning exercise.

There we go.
That'll prevent repetitive strain injury.

Hold on a minute, where's me penis?

I'm sure I left Mr Nudge there last night.



Maybe I should just stare harder.

That's weird.

I'll have to call in the troops.

Kylie...

Not today, little missy. OK. Liz Hurley...

Christ alive! This is getting serious.
I'll have to bring out the big guns.

Fern Britton.

Hang on.

Gaz, I'm not playing sex casserole again.

Have you finished?
I need to get the sheets in the wash.

- No. I'm not in the mood.
- What? You? Are you ill?

- No...
- You always wake up gagging.

Sometimes I wake up gagging
if I've slept with my mouth open.

I'm just not in the mood this morning.



Is it because I'm spending the day
with a gorgeous man?

Now it's inverting! What man?

I've got my personal tutor today
to check on my progress.

He can't be that gorgeous - he's brainy.

He's a PhD student. I've not met him,
but the girls say he's hunky doodle-doo.

The girls haven't met me.

Hunky doodle-doo
isn't vocabulary I want near my bed.

I'm having enough problems with my privates.

Don't worry.
Plenty of men have erection trouble.

I'm not having trouble.
I've woken up and he's having a lie-in.

It's a stressful job. He needs a rest.

That's the spirit. I'm sure he's not broken.
Just... keep your pecker up.

I'll have a pint, please, Norma.

Actually, I'll have a half.

No, I'll have a lime and...

I'll just stand here quietly.

I'm your supervisor. I do not ask.

I point and shout and do this - aergh!

Shouldn't you be doing the gingerbread men?

It's gingerbread people, Janet.

- Miss, are you going to fire her now?
- Let's wait and see.

Fire me? I've done nothing wrong.

I've got to assert my authority in here.
I have to gain respect by sacking someone.

It makes me chuckle.

You've got to be cruel to be kind -
that's what Miss says.

Exactly. Speaking of which,
how's that itching powder going?

- Very uncomfortable, miss.
- Excellent.

- All right?
- All right?

- Haven't you got any lager? Jesus!
- What are you doing?

Something I should have done before.
I'm taking back my life... by stealing your food.

You can't just start... Whoa!

What's the matter?

I'm glad you asked. I'm wearing a cock ring.

- Where did you get that?
- I made it.

The postman dropped an elastic band
on the fire escape this morning.

I fashioned the device myself.

Right. What's the knob noose for?
Isn't it screwed on right?

- It's embarrassing. I can't tell you.
- Come on.

Whoa!

A problem shared is a problem halved -
unless it's a cold sore.

Right. Well...

I woke up this morning and...

a special part of me was limp.

Like a wilted tulip.

Right. I see. That's nothing to worry about.

- No one wakes up every morning all alert.
- I do. Ever since the age of nine.

Nine? What were your bedtime stories?
The Brothers Quim?

No.

I'd watch "She-Ra, The Princess Of Power"
before bed. She was well fit.

- How long you been wearing it?
- All morning. It's going a bit numb.

You should take it off.
The blood starts to clot after a while.

Could end up with a lovely black pudding, though.

- These must be worth a bob or two.
- Stop nicking me stuff!

I can't help it. It's two days till me benefits.

I'm homeless, I'm hungry and I really want
the new... "Commodores Remix" album.

You're not homeless.

Dad said he's gonna chuck me out
if I don't stop climbing into bed with him.

There's a monster under my bed.

Get back with Janet. She likes leechiness.

No way. I've got me pride.

Would you lend us 10p for a cup of tea?

Hold on.

Oh, no.

Come on, then. Stimulate me.

Oh. I thought we were
just gonna talk about the course.

I'll stimulate you, though. It's no problem.

Do you like classical music?

I like the one that goes...

(HUMS "HABANERA"
FROM BIZET'S "CARMEN")

Thank you.
But we should talk about the course.

I'm glad you came in, Donna.
I get bored talking to the heads of departments.

You've got to get through a lot of Dickens
before you get to Poe.

- Right. Poe.
- Sorry. Are you a Dickens fan?

No... Yeah... Maybe.
Sorry. I sound stupid, don't I?

I didn't do much reading
before I came here - just "TV Quick".

But the crossword in there is like... whoo!

Who knows what the capital of Greece is?

- Donna, is everything OK at home?
- What?

I know it's wank, but I have to ask.

- Did you just say "wank"?
- Yeah. I won't tell if you don't.

- How did you get this job?
- I was just good.

Oh. Right. So if you study hard,
you can achieve anything. That's inspiring.

No. If you study hard and your mum's the dean,
you can achieve anything.

- Oh.
- I'm joking.

It's hot in here.
Do you want to go to the pub?

What? This isn't like junior school.

We're allowed to socialise and I fancied a pint.

- OK. I'm buying.
- I'm choosing the subject matter, then.

What about student-teacher relations?

- What?
- I'm joking again.

Oh. You're hilarious.

- Oh, and you failed one of your modules.
- Very funny.

No. Your essay on
"The Merchant Of Venice" really was shit.

She isn't serious about sacking someone?

She's deadly serious. Deadly.

Do you like me bicky?

But it'll be you. I'm a hard worker and her friend.

Tracy's got four kids
and Fat Judith can't fit out of the door.

- Odds-on favourite's you.
- Why do you think that?

'Cause she said, "I'm going to sack Janet."

- Afternoon.
- Kelly said you're going to sack me.

Oh, how awful. I'm sorry, Janet.
I think you should apologise, Kelly.

I'm sorry.

No, not to her, to me.
You've totally ruined the surprise.

I think you're being really out of order.

Then you should speak to your supervisor.

- You are my supervisor.
- Good. Job done.

I could sue for unfair dismissal.

I hardly think it's unfair. Do you think so, Kelly?

Life isn't fair,
but "Neighbours" was good last night.

I haven't done anything wrong!

Letting your ex-boyfriend blatantly steal produce
is a criminal offence.

What?

What?

What's the matter with you?
She's naked. Come on.

No?

God!

I need professional help.

(WOMAN) Hello, Horny.
You've reached Girls United.

Before you talk to our sexerific operator,
just gagging to chat dirty,

listen to these messages.

(MAN) Everyone likes bicycles -
even you, pervert.

Here at Wigan's World of Bikes,
we cater to the most masturbating of customers.

- Who are you phoning?
- Just Granny Wilkinson, but she's...

- Now I'm shaving.
- She's shaving, apparently.

Well, look what I've got.

Candles... Ooh.

Ooh.

Wine.

And a poster of Beyoncé Knowles.
You know what that means.

What, sex? Er, no. I'm tired.
Can we go snorkelling instead?

That's exactly what I had in mind.
Just don't get salt water in my tube.

- I can't, Donna. I...
- What?

Come on, Gaz! Check me out.

(HUMS THEME
FROM "LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE")

Donna...

- I'm just...
- What?

- I've been sexually frustrated all day...
- Wait.

- Why have you been sexually frustrated?
- No reason.

You had a tutorial with a man
and you come home gagging for it.

So?

You'll be thinking of him. I'd have my best moves
and you'd be, "Oh, Professor Plum."

- Professor Plum?
- It's the only professor I know.

I can't have you thinking of someone else,
so no Gazzums.

- Women don't do that.
- What?

We can't think of anybody else
except the person we're with.

Losers.

I can think of anyone I want
when I'm with Donna... Sorry, that's you.

Yes, I know. It's a curse. Poor womankind.

Now, pants off, lie back and think of England.

No. Think of Poundland - it's more exotic.

- I can't.
- What? Why not?

Because I'm insulted. I'm not a piece of meat.

Gaz, I don't think of you as a piece of meat.
I just want a piece of meat.

Come on. I'll do all the work.
I'm feeling bouncy - Bouncy Knowles.

- I don't want to.
- Why? Don't you fancy me any more?

- Yeah.
- What?

You're right. I don't fancy you.

- OK. Fine.
- Good. Can we have a non-sexual cuddle?

- No. I'm having a bath.
- But...

My boyfriend doesn't fancy me. Great.

There was a young lady named Jean,
who was constantly flicking her...

Come on! She did the dooby-doo dance!

Would you drag a babe
from his mother's breast so quickly?

I am so angry at you.

- Angry enough to buy me a pint?
- No! I'm gonna get the sack 'cause of you.

- You always give me free baked goods.
- That's when we were a couple.

Oh. That's how it goes, is it?
I'm very offended, Janet.

- Offended?
- Yes. You should buy me a pint.

- Buy your own.
- I can't.

I have no money.

- What about your redundancy?
- The fiver you gave me?

I bought some goldfish. They were delicious.

Jonny, there is a way round this problem.
You could come home.

You want me back? Just 'cause you're lonely?

- I was gonna say bored, but...
- No way, Janet. I have my pride.

Why not? I miss you.
You kissed me the other day.

You tasted of milk.

We can't because... I've moved on. I've matured.

I've got to take control of my life
and not rely on a woman.

OK.

So are you buying me a pint or what?

Some may see this moment
as a bit Freudian.

There's been a lot of Freudian stuff round me.
I had a worrying dream about a train.

I was shagging it.

- I'm all ears.
- No. I think that would be inappropriate.

- Would you tell me about it after school?
- What?

There's a couple of us
having Mexican food tonight. Join us.

- Me?
- Yes, you. You're interesting.

And I'm really intrigued by the train dream.
What was I wearing?

- Yeah. I guess that'd be OK. Yeah.
- Excellent.

And when I say a couple of us,
I mean me and... you.

- But...
- And when I say Mexican food,

I mean microwave burrito on my sofa.

Off you pop.

Yeah. I'll see you later.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.

Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Smack it and twat it and throw it at me,
then the boss will let you have it for free.

Yay! You must be one of them geniuses.

- I think I am.
- Do you like spuds?

- Yeah. Do you like spuds?
- Yeah. Do you like sheds?

- Yeah. Do you like sheds?
- Yeah. Do you like sofas?

- Yes. Do you like sofas?
- Yeah. Do you like the army?

- Yeah. Do you like the army?
- Yeah.

Kelly, Louise has said
about bringing your boyfriends in.

He's not me boyfriend. I found him in a bin.

We just clicked.

He shouldn't be back here. She'll go mental.

"She" already is mental.

Oh, my God. What is that thing doing here?

- Just munching about.
- He's not my boyfriend, so it's OK.

It is most certainly not OK.

As you know, someone is getting fired
at the end of today,

and I think I've made my mind up who.

No, cake lady.

It's...

you, Janet.

God, I love power. Carry on.

- But, miss...
- Oh. And you too. You're sacked.

- Cake lady...
- You're sacked.

Janet, I think I've done something terrible.

- You're sacked.
- I don't work here.

Sacked! Sacked! Everyone's sacked!

I'm just so supreme.

Where's Fat Judith?

I'm sorry, Henry.

Gaz...

- What the hell are you doing?
- I was hoovering my thighs. They're dusty.

Oh. Me dad's chucked me out.
I need to crash here.

- Can't you stay at Janet's?
- No way. I've got me pride.

- You can't stay here.
- I've got nowhere else to go.

I'm desperate. I'll sleep in the bath.

I'll be as quiet as a mouse -
a tiny little mouse wearing ballet pumps.

I'm sorry. I can't cope with that.
I've got me own problems.

Oh. How is Mr Nudge feeling?

- It's not an invalid.
- You should take him to the doctor's.

- And they'd stick him in a splint?
- They could give you Viagra.

Viagra's for dirty old men
and dusty-muffed women.

Maybe he needs counselling.
Maybe he's got issues.

Yeah! "We'll just lie Mr Nudge on
a tiny little couch and talk about his childhood."

"Tiny little couch"?

Huge great sofa.

Check out my new blusher.
It's called "flesh in a blender".

You don't need blusher.
You have a natural sex flush.

- What's a sex flush?
- It's why make-up's always red.

Blusher's to make you look hot
and lippy's to make your mouth look like a fanny.

Oh, my God. The day I've had.

At times like this I need my best friends.

- You just sacked me!
- What's happened?

I got the sack.

You sacked yourself? Did you catch sight
of yourself in the mirror and get confused?

No. I phoned the regional manager
to recruit more potential sackees

and he said I was power-mad.
Can you believe?

- Incredible.
- He said he'd have to let me go.

- Does this mean I've got my job back?
- I suppose so.

Bastard.

- OK. I'm off.
- Fine.

Do I look nice?

Probably. Does she look nice?

No.

Do you think it's a bit tarty
to be going out with a friend?

There's nothing too tarty.

You could have rotating nipple flaps,
you still wouldn't get an erection... reaction.

Bye, Gaz.

OK. Thank you, Mr Bradshaw.
OK. Bye-bye.

Jonny, guess what.
I'm going to be a supervisor. Isn't it ace?

Janet, guess what.
I'm gonna be a tramp. Isn't it ace?

What?

I've been chucked out of me dad's.
I've come to ask if I can sleep in the pool room.

Jonny, this is stupid. Just come to ours.

Does no one understand? I have my pride.

I stole it off a clown.

- So new job?
- Yup.

A proper pay rise. So I'll get loads of money,
free cakes, pies and biscuits.

I'm the most eligible spinster in Runcorn.

What are you going to do with your wealth?

I was thinking of buying myself a boyfriend.

- Yeah? They don't come cheap.
- The one I saw wasn't expensive.

But you'll be wanting a top-of-the-range model.

No. I'm after a comfortable model.
Nothing too powerful or flash.

Just one that gets me
from A to B, from ooh to aah.

- You need one that can handle curves.
- That's true.

- And needs servicing regularly.
- Of course.

And doesn't give out poisonous gases.

I'm not bothered about that.
I love his poisonous gases.

Where are you going to shop
for this new boyfriend?

It's very nearby.

N... No. Wait, Janet. This is wrong.

I have my pride. It's all I've got -
pride and a very long hanky.

- But...
- No.

It hurts too much. I'll never come back.

- (RUMBLING)
- Even my tummy says so.

You're hungry. I've got loads of pasties at ours.
Just come and have some food.

Well, maybe. I've not eaten for 48 hours.

I'm like a modern-day St David... Blaine.

Come on. I've got Daddies' sauce.

Ooh. That sounded very wrong.

I've said OK. Just don't expect any snuggles.

- What about cuggles?
- I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

- I have my pride.
- OK, Jonny.

Hello. I'd like to make an emergency appointment.

Yeah. I just um...

I think...

I think I'm important.

You do understand, don't you?
I'm not a man who's easily manipulated.

- I'm no one's Play-Doh.
- Of course.

I won't be squeezed out of someone's scalp
in the Moptop Barber Shop.

- Of course.
- And there's me pride.

I know.

You can't expect me to drop one girl
straight after being dropped by another.

Too many droppings -
like an incontinent chicken.

- OK, Jonny.
- But we can talk...

One day... after you've begged and begged
and have absolutely no self-respect left,

maybe, just maybe, you can surf
the Jonny riptide to sex beach again.

What are we having for tea?

Smells like we're having
cheese and onion pasties.

Yes, we are.

I could never resist you in shortcrust.

I got the idea
from Halle Berry in James Bond.

Well, I think you're much tastier.

- What happened to your pride?
- He'll be making an appearance.

- Wait.
- What? Quick, my cheese is seeping.

Give us a bite of your arse.

(ANSWER MACHINE) Donna, hi.
I just wanted to say thanks for last night.

I really enjoyed it.

- It was good last night.
- Familiar sex is always good.

You never have to wash beforehand.

I won't have some perv
impressing you with brunch.

And you won't catch me wearing one!

No!