Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 8 - Filthy Brunching - full transcript
Donna goes out to brunch with Philip,making Gaz jealous but when he confronts Philip he finds that he is no longer impotent. Louise gets a job at the Office of National Statistics,where she accidentally erases all evidence of Jonny's existence. She recreates a file for him but adds a fictional and colourful criminal record which leads to a shoot-out with the police when he goes on his date with Janet.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ I just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪
We haven't got much in for breakfast.
We used all the bread
in that game you made up.
Ah, "Crumbs in bums" -
it's a personal favourite of mine.
- I'm so glad you're back.
- Me too.
It was good last night, wasn't it?
Familiar sex is always good -
you never have to wash beforehand.
You were great. You added a whole new range
of moves, and you found my G spot.
In exactly the same place as Kate's!
If only I'd found out sooner.
Jonny, did you get a lot of stuff off Kate
while you were with her?
Obviously. She's different, isn't she?
She's a whole other dimension.
She's "The Twilight Zone".
You're the comfort zone.
I can do stuff. Watch what I can do.
If I can make a clover with my tongue,
imagine what I can do with my fanny.
- Tell me what you did with her.
- No. It'd be too weird.
- I won't be offended, I promise.
- OK.
- Mainly she would...
- La la la la la!
The job is semi-permanent, 37.5 hours
per week, and you can start tomorrow.
- I don't see a problem.
- It's at the Office of National Statistics.
This is a really important job.
You've got to collate info about all these people.
Information? What kind of information?
Credit history, criminal convictions.
They can even check what they buy at Asda.
So... I'd be like God.
If God wanted to know
how often people bought Persil.
- I'll take it.
- I'll give them a ring.
I'll be checking you out, for a start. Kiddy fiddler.
Donna, are we OK? You left last night
in a bit of a huff. I just think we need to talk.
You said talking was "for women and Kilroys."
Please. I don't wanna lose you.
You're my bit of stuff. My dolly bird.
You're my stinking man's trumpet.
OK. Let's talk properly.
(PHONE RINGS)
See? Right, then...
(BEEPING)
(TUTOR) Donna, hi.
I hope this is your right number.
I just wanted to say thanks for last night.
I really enjoyed it.
I think we should do it again. Call me.
Was that your cousin? He sounds super.
- Gaz, it's not like that.
- I'm not sure whether I'm still dreaming.
Yes, you are.
You're asleep and I'm not Donna...
I am Florinda, the dancing bus conductor.
Oooh...
- Gaz, wake up. You're having a dream.
- Was I? Thank God you woke me up.
Look. I've got a message.
Hi. I hope this is your right number. I just...
- He's my tutor.
- Your tutor?
If a teacher talked like that to a pupil,
he'd be doing PE.
- We just had dinner.
- Dinner? What restaurant did you go to?
- Abra-Kebabra is our place.
- No.
- What restaurant, then?
- Well...
The one on his settee.
Jesus, Donna! Are you stupid? How old is he?
- 30?
- And good-looking?
- Only in a really fit kind of way.
- Am I stupid or something?
I would have told you.
I need him to like me. I need good marks.
You big prossie!
That's not how you get good marks.
You work hard and climb every mountain
and other such balls.
- Gaz, it's not like that.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh.
- Let me get it.
So you can keep even more secrets from me?
What's he got to say now? "You forgot
your smalls. They're hanging from me face!"
(BEEPING)
Message for Gary Wilkinson.
This is Dr Chalmers.
I can't say too much,
but I need you
to come back for more tests.
Is that your cousin? She sounds super.
I can get Penelope Keith's phone number
like that.
- Why would you want it?
- And I know where Westlife live. Ireland.
- Did you look us lot up?
- What for?
I already know where you live
and Gaz's credit card has a lot of debits
to "She-He of Soho".
Had Jonny got any sex debits?
Receipts for porn? Visits to Holland?
An unhealthy interest in apes?
I didn't bother with him and his dullness.
Dull? Since he's moved back in here,
I have been... all over the shop.
You've been whistling?
No. It's like...
He's learned all these new positions.
- How many positions?
- A lot. I don't know.
You know that thing where they can
spell out the alphabet with their tongue?
Yeah.
Jonny's learnt "Llanfair-pwllgwyngyll-
gogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".
Llanfair... Blah di blah, go-go-daffodil.
The thing is, I get frightened
that I'm not as good as Kate was.
Why don't you offer him something better?
Something Kate would never do.
I do have an incredible flexible twat.
What's wrong with you?
You have to see a urologist?
Yeah. I could be dying
while you're off gallivanting.
- Gallivanting?
- How else would you describe it?
I'd have said horseplay,
but it sits uncomfortably.
I want to support you if you're ill.
- I'm not ill.
- Then tell me what the matter is!
OK. OK.
My penis doesn't work.
- What?
- My penis died, Donna.
I'm important.
- You're impotent.
- What?
You're not important. You're impotent.
- That's it. Rub it in.
- So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna watch you gallivant off
with some new bloke
and his fully functioning trouser snake!
- Gaz, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.
- It's not funny!
Can I have a go?
If I can't get Mr Nudge to salute the Minogues,
you don't stand a chance.
Yes. But I've got a softer touch
and I'm feeling a little peckish.
Nothing works. I've even made him dumb-bells
to build up his muscle.
- From what?
- Never you mind.
Just don't eat the cheesy footballs.
See what the doctor's got to say
and we'll stay in tonight.
We'll get some music and some candles
and a bit of massage oil.
- That might work.
- You think?
Yeah. What with me being a girl!
Jesus, Donna! If hardcore porn
doesn't wake him up,
Jean-Michel Jarre isn't gonna help!
Ooh! Ah.
No. He just wants a piss.
Maybe you're a bit anaemic.
We'll get you some spinach.
Spinach?!
It's a Jap's eye, not Popeye!
- Hello.
- Excuse me. I don't think I know you.
Eh?
And I reckon it'd be dead rude
to meet a stranger in a bar
and go home and do them.
That's a bit insensitive. I'm sat here.
No. If you were a stranger. If we just
picked each other up, it'd be right sexy.
I get you. It's one of those things
old people do when their sex life's rubbish.
I got it from a problem page
in "Home And Garden".
You want to read the problem pages
in porn for ideas.
"I am a married man,
but imagine my surprise
"when blonde, 16-year-old triplets
opened a pie shop next door.
"Imagine my surprise when the wife
went to visit her sister in Devon."
Just try it out. It might be sexy.
No, Janet. Sex is sexy. This is bizarre.
- Come on. Give it a go.
- OK.
Hello.
Hi.
What's your name?
I'm er... Frances.
Frances? It's such a mum name!
Fine. You name us.
All right. I'll be called... Dirk.
And you can be... Felicity Titwangle.
So what do you do for a living, Dirk?
- I don't do owt. You know that.
- No. What does Dirk do?
I don't know. What does Felicity Titwangle do?
I'm an accountant.
Oh, that's really turning me on, baby.
- Fine. I'm a sex accountant.
- This is stupid.
Come on. Just try it.
I'm worried to a wicked, wicked man.
He won't ever let me perform oral sex
and I love doing that.
- Better.
- Yes.
And sometimes when he's asleep,
I have to... You know.
- You have to?
- Tickle the kipper.
My God. That's revolting.
Jonny Kenner...
Jonny Kenwood...
Jonny Keogh.
Oh, Jonny. You're so dull. Poor thing.
Oh, buns!
Donna?
- What did she say?
- Even she couldn't get it up
She's a doctor.
They're trained to give men erections.
- Where are you going?
- I was... just waiting for you. Surprise!
- You were going to see him.
- It's only brunch.
- What the hell's brunch?
- Can we talk about your penis?
You want to talk about my penis
to whet your appetite
before you go brunching off your tutor.
- Brunch is a meal.
- I bet it is.
- How long you going for?
- All day. He's looking at my assignment.
- I bet!
- Not everything's an innuendo.
I bet!
By the way, the doctor said
it might be stress causing my problem.
- Stress? You?
- Yes. Stress. Me.
You fall asleep
during the "Crimewatch" music.
Stress has many forms -
the worst one being floppy cock.
- I'm sorry. My bus.
- Just...
So I tried to entice Jonny by doing a bit
of roleplay, but it didn't excite him a bit.
Surprise, surprise.
The unexpected hits me between the eyes.
Here's Jonny. He's got us a mucky video.
I'm so avant garde.
- Well, hello.
- Hiya.
I went to get me Jobseekers'
and they had no record of me.
Oh, buns.
So I can't send any money to Ngaru this month.
- Who's Ngaru?
- An African child.
He sends me pictures of thin people.
Then I went to get "Gay Tricks Reloaded",
but they only had "Gay Tricks Lubrications"
and they said my account was void.
- That's weird.
- God is trying to tell you something.
Maybe God made an incy error on her computer.
Nothing to worry about.
- I'll call the council tomorrow.
- You do that.
God will have spoken to her supervisor by then.
- Who's God's supervisor?
- Dennis Rothschild.
Jonny, why don't you sit down?
And whatever you do, do not travel abroad.
I wasn't going to. I don't like the cakes.
Just sit there. Don't do anything,
don't phone anyone and don't try getting a job.
Done and done.
I'll be going. I am not incompetent, OK?
All this thinking's making me horny.
- Brill. Me too.
- Come on, then.
Hold on. I've got a surprise for you.
- (MUSIC: "THE STRIPPER")
- Are you gonna strip?
Why, yes.
♪ Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple, shake a tree
♪ Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple, grind coffee
♪ To the left... ♪
If we'd have gone upstairs when I first asked,
I'd be on second helpings.
Come on, wake up.
- Hiya.
- All right?
- Just seen Donna with a strapping man.
- You saw them together?
Yeah. He stopped me in the street
and gave me a quid.
I'm not to spend it on drink. He was nice like that.
What's he like?
Who is he? I thought he must be her brother,
what with his hand on her.
- Where was his hand?
- About there.
- What's the matter?
- Was he good-looking?
Personally, I think he was a bit clean.
Smelt like girls in shops.
Munch, how good-looking was this bloke?
- He's not like Gaz-attractive.
- Who is?
- Me. We're twins. We're exactly the same.
- We're not twins. We're brothers.
We're twins. Like the Proclaimers
or the Cheeky Girls.
I like the fat one.
- Did he look like he could handle himself?
- You'd win in a fight.
- You sure?
- You'd deffo win him.
But not if it's Daredevil 'cause he's a blind
and you must never hit a blind,
even if you really want their dog.
Listen. What about Donna?
Did she have her arm on him?
- Why can't you ask her yourself?
- She's not here.
I know. They're down the road in Abra-Kebabra.
There we go. All back and existing.
Oh, you're so dull.
Not even a parking ticket.
Let's see...
Truancy. Tick.
Petty theft. Tick.
Murder. No. That's too much.
What's ABH?
A Big Horse. You can have a big horse.
Armed robbery? Why not?
This is so much more fun
than stopping my nan's war pension.
No. You have to wait. I'm thinking.
But I'm hungry for love. Look at me.
I'm a hungry, hungry hormone.
No.
I've got it. This is something brilliant.
Something Kate never did.
But I'm horny now. I could be crushed
under the weight of my own testicles!
You go out. I'll meet you
up at the castle in one hour.
- No.
- But that's your surprise.
Is it just sex outside?
Because the yard is considerably closer.
No. It's not sex outside.
It's sex on the castle.
I'm not aroused by turrets.
And it's not just sex on the castle,
it's something else.
The most amazing thing you can think of.
Oh.
Little hint. As Oscar Wilde once remarked -
"Oil your bum hole."
There you go. Jonny Keogh -
master criminal. Not so dull any more.
I'm so kind.
I've been with you all day.
It doesn't seem like all day.
Donna, if truth be beauty and beauty be truth,
you're the most honest girl that ever be.
You have a jalapeño in your hair.
You're so deep. You're like a bucket I once knew.
- So, about us...
- Eh?
- I really, really like you.
- I like you too. You talk like a snob.
Thank you.
Are you going to stay at mine tonight?
- Oh. I...
- Don't be shy. I thought we were adults.
- Yeah, but this is...
- What do you expect?
Donna, it comes down to this.
Will you come home with me
and get As for the rest of the year?
- Or will you go home and get C-minuses?
- Oh, God. I thought we were friends.
In every friendship there's give and take.
It helps that we're attracted to each other.
- I can't.
- You're free to walk away.
But I think it might be fun.
- We can talk about Pope afterwards.
- I don't know.
Two consenting adults. No strings. No guilt.
Just good marks for great sex.
I feel really weird about this.
- Come here, you!
- Donna!
- Call the police.
- You get home!
You see my girlfriend again and I'll smack you!
- I have to see her. I'm her tutor.
- You've not thought this through.
You see my girlfriend in
a non-educational sense, I'll smack you!
- Gaz...
- Don't try and stop me.
I'm not having some perv
impressing you with brunch.
You won't catch me wearing one!
Gaz!
Get off me. This is assault.
I'll do more than assault you. I'll a-pepper you!
Go home. We need to talk.
- Gaz...
- What?
- I think you should smack him.
- Eh?
- He propositioned me.
- Great. Another word I need to look up.
Punch him right in the smacker!
Give him a bunch of fives, wipe his chops clean
and knock him into next Wednesday!
Give him a thick lip and fucking fist him!
- I'll stop now.
- Don't... please.
- I'll give you money.
- I want you to leave Donna alone.
OK, OK. Just don't shoot me.
- How would I shoot you?
- The gun?
- What gun?
- The one in your trousers. I can feel it.
You don't need to use it.
- I'm not impotent.
- I never said you were. I want to live!
My dick is massive.
- He came back?
- He came back.
Mr Nudge is back in town. Stay there, swot boy.
God, it's like prep school all over again.
- You, home.
- No. You, home.
- You home, woman.
- Man.
Bugger home. Let's find a brunch.
- Janet!
- Jonny!
Oh, bike sex. Phwoar.
(SIRENS WAIL)
Police sex? You dirty bitch.
Run! Run, Jonny!
Helicopter sex? This is better
than anything Kate ever did.
Jonny, get out of there!
- What? Are we joining the mile-high club?
- Jonny!
No!
- Get off me bird!
- Get off me!
Jonny!
This is the police!
Put your weapons down and your hands up!
Put the gun down, Mr Keogh.
We can see it in your pocket.
I haven't got a gun. This is just a Crunchie.
(GUNSHOTS)
No!
Jonny!
♪ The angels can wait for a moment
♪ Come real close
♪ Forget the world outside
♪ Tonight we're alone
♪ It's finally you and I
♪ It wasn't meant to feel like this...
That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell
and that's Jonny.
♪ 'Cause when I look at my life
♪ How the pieces fall into place
♪ It just wouldn't rhyme without you
♪ When I see how my path
♪ Seemed to end up before your face
♪ The state of my heart, the place where we are
♪ Was written in the stars
♪ I made a few mistakes, yeah
♪ Like sometimes we do
♪ Been through a lot of heartache
♪ But I made it back to you
♪ 'Cause when I look at my life
♪ How the pieces fall into place
♪ It just wouldn't rhyme without you
♪ And when I see how my path
♪ Seemed to end up before your face
♪ The state of my heart, the place where we are
♪ Was written in the stars
♪ The state of my heart, the place where we are
♪ Was written in the stars
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ I just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪
We haven't got much in for breakfast.
We used all the bread
in that game you made up.
Ah, "Crumbs in bums" -
it's a personal favourite of mine.
- I'm so glad you're back.
- Me too.
It was good last night, wasn't it?
Familiar sex is always good -
you never have to wash beforehand.
You were great. You added a whole new range
of moves, and you found my G spot.
In exactly the same place as Kate's!
If only I'd found out sooner.
Jonny, did you get a lot of stuff off Kate
while you were with her?
Obviously. She's different, isn't she?
She's a whole other dimension.
She's "The Twilight Zone".
You're the comfort zone.
I can do stuff. Watch what I can do.
If I can make a clover with my tongue,
imagine what I can do with my fanny.
- Tell me what you did with her.
- No. It'd be too weird.
- I won't be offended, I promise.
- OK.
- Mainly she would...
- La la la la la!
The job is semi-permanent, 37.5 hours
per week, and you can start tomorrow.
- I don't see a problem.
- It's at the Office of National Statistics.
This is a really important job.
You've got to collate info about all these people.
Information? What kind of information?
Credit history, criminal convictions.
They can even check what they buy at Asda.
So... I'd be like God.
If God wanted to know
how often people bought Persil.
- I'll take it.
- I'll give them a ring.
I'll be checking you out, for a start. Kiddy fiddler.
Donna, are we OK? You left last night
in a bit of a huff. I just think we need to talk.
You said talking was "for women and Kilroys."
Please. I don't wanna lose you.
You're my bit of stuff. My dolly bird.
You're my stinking man's trumpet.
OK. Let's talk properly.
(PHONE RINGS)
See? Right, then...
(BEEPING)
(TUTOR) Donna, hi.
I hope this is your right number.
I just wanted to say thanks for last night.
I really enjoyed it.
I think we should do it again. Call me.
Was that your cousin? He sounds super.
- Gaz, it's not like that.
- I'm not sure whether I'm still dreaming.
Yes, you are.
You're asleep and I'm not Donna...
I am Florinda, the dancing bus conductor.
Oooh...
- Gaz, wake up. You're having a dream.
- Was I? Thank God you woke me up.
Look. I've got a message.
Hi. I hope this is your right number. I just...
- He's my tutor.
- Your tutor?
If a teacher talked like that to a pupil,
he'd be doing PE.
- We just had dinner.
- Dinner? What restaurant did you go to?
- Abra-Kebabra is our place.
- No.
- What restaurant, then?
- Well...
The one on his settee.
Jesus, Donna! Are you stupid? How old is he?
- 30?
- And good-looking?
- Only in a really fit kind of way.
- Am I stupid or something?
I would have told you.
I need him to like me. I need good marks.
You big prossie!
That's not how you get good marks.
You work hard and climb every mountain
and other such balls.
- Gaz, it's not like that.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh.
- Let me get it.
So you can keep even more secrets from me?
What's he got to say now? "You forgot
your smalls. They're hanging from me face!"
(BEEPING)
Message for Gary Wilkinson.
This is Dr Chalmers.
I can't say too much,
but I need you
to come back for more tests.
Is that your cousin? She sounds super.
I can get Penelope Keith's phone number
like that.
- Why would you want it?
- And I know where Westlife live. Ireland.
- Did you look us lot up?
- What for?
I already know where you live
and Gaz's credit card has a lot of debits
to "She-He of Soho".
Had Jonny got any sex debits?
Receipts for porn? Visits to Holland?
An unhealthy interest in apes?
I didn't bother with him and his dullness.
Dull? Since he's moved back in here,
I have been... all over the shop.
You've been whistling?
No. It's like...
He's learned all these new positions.
- How many positions?
- A lot. I don't know.
You know that thing where they can
spell out the alphabet with their tongue?
Yeah.
Jonny's learnt "Llanfair-pwllgwyngyll-
gogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".
Llanfair... Blah di blah, go-go-daffodil.
The thing is, I get frightened
that I'm not as good as Kate was.
Why don't you offer him something better?
Something Kate would never do.
I do have an incredible flexible twat.
What's wrong with you?
You have to see a urologist?
Yeah. I could be dying
while you're off gallivanting.
- Gallivanting?
- How else would you describe it?
I'd have said horseplay,
but it sits uncomfortably.
I want to support you if you're ill.
- I'm not ill.
- Then tell me what the matter is!
OK. OK.
My penis doesn't work.
- What?
- My penis died, Donna.
I'm important.
- You're impotent.
- What?
You're not important. You're impotent.
- That's it. Rub it in.
- So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna watch you gallivant off
with some new bloke
and his fully functioning trouser snake!
- Gaz, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.
- It's not funny!
Can I have a go?
If I can't get Mr Nudge to salute the Minogues,
you don't stand a chance.
Yes. But I've got a softer touch
and I'm feeling a little peckish.
Nothing works. I've even made him dumb-bells
to build up his muscle.
- From what?
- Never you mind.
Just don't eat the cheesy footballs.
See what the doctor's got to say
and we'll stay in tonight.
We'll get some music and some candles
and a bit of massage oil.
- That might work.
- You think?
Yeah. What with me being a girl!
Jesus, Donna! If hardcore porn
doesn't wake him up,
Jean-Michel Jarre isn't gonna help!
Ooh! Ah.
No. He just wants a piss.
Maybe you're a bit anaemic.
We'll get you some spinach.
Spinach?!
It's a Jap's eye, not Popeye!
- Hello.
- Excuse me. I don't think I know you.
Eh?
And I reckon it'd be dead rude
to meet a stranger in a bar
and go home and do them.
That's a bit insensitive. I'm sat here.
No. If you were a stranger. If we just
picked each other up, it'd be right sexy.
I get you. It's one of those things
old people do when their sex life's rubbish.
I got it from a problem page
in "Home And Garden".
You want to read the problem pages
in porn for ideas.
"I am a married man,
but imagine my surprise
"when blonde, 16-year-old triplets
opened a pie shop next door.
"Imagine my surprise when the wife
went to visit her sister in Devon."
Just try it out. It might be sexy.
No, Janet. Sex is sexy. This is bizarre.
- Come on. Give it a go.
- OK.
Hello.
Hi.
What's your name?
I'm er... Frances.
Frances? It's such a mum name!
Fine. You name us.
All right. I'll be called... Dirk.
And you can be... Felicity Titwangle.
So what do you do for a living, Dirk?
- I don't do owt. You know that.
- No. What does Dirk do?
I don't know. What does Felicity Titwangle do?
I'm an accountant.
Oh, that's really turning me on, baby.
- Fine. I'm a sex accountant.
- This is stupid.
Come on. Just try it.
I'm worried to a wicked, wicked man.
He won't ever let me perform oral sex
and I love doing that.
- Better.
- Yes.
And sometimes when he's asleep,
I have to... You know.
- You have to?
- Tickle the kipper.
My God. That's revolting.
Jonny Kenner...
Jonny Kenwood...
Jonny Keogh.
Oh, Jonny. You're so dull. Poor thing.
Oh, buns!
Donna?
- What did she say?
- Even she couldn't get it up
She's a doctor.
They're trained to give men erections.
- Where are you going?
- I was... just waiting for you. Surprise!
- You were going to see him.
- It's only brunch.
- What the hell's brunch?
- Can we talk about your penis?
You want to talk about my penis
to whet your appetite
before you go brunching off your tutor.
- Brunch is a meal.
- I bet it is.
- How long you going for?
- All day. He's looking at my assignment.
- I bet!
- Not everything's an innuendo.
I bet!
By the way, the doctor said
it might be stress causing my problem.
- Stress? You?
- Yes. Stress. Me.
You fall asleep
during the "Crimewatch" music.
Stress has many forms -
the worst one being floppy cock.
- I'm sorry. My bus.
- Just...
So I tried to entice Jonny by doing a bit
of roleplay, but it didn't excite him a bit.
Surprise, surprise.
The unexpected hits me between the eyes.
Here's Jonny. He's got us a mucky video.
I'm so avant garde.
- Well, hello.
- Hiya.
I went to get me Jobseekers'
and they had no record of me.
Oh, buns.
So I can't send any money to Ngaru this month.
- Who's Ngaru?
- An African child.
He sends me pictures of thin people.
Then I went to get "Gay Tricks Reloaded",
but they only had "Gay Tricks Lubrications"
and they said my account was void.
- That's weird.
- God is trying to tell you something.
Maybe God made an incy error on her computer.
Nothing to worry about.
- I'll call the council tomorrow.
- You do that.
God will have spoken to her supervisor by then.
- Who's God's supervisor?
- Dennis Rothschild.
Jonny, why don't you sit down?
And whatever you do, do not travel abroad.
I wasn't going to. I don't like the cakes.
Just sit there. Don't do anything,
don't phone anyone and don't try getting a job.
Done and done.
I'll be going. I am not incompetent, OK?
All this thinking's making me horny.
- Brill. Me too.
- Come on, then.
Hold on. I've got a surprise for you.
- (MUSIC: "THE STRIPPER")
- Are you gonna strip?
Why, yes.
♪ Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple, shake a tree
♪ Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple, grind coffee
♪ To the left... ♪
If we'd have gone upstairs when I first asked,
I'd be on second helpings.
Come on, wake up.
- Hiya.
- All right?
- Just seen Donna with a strapping man.
- You saw them together?
Yeah. He stopped me in the street
and gave me a quid.
I'm not to spend it on drink. He was nice like that.
What's he like?
Who is he? I thought he must be her brother,
what with his hand on her.
- Where was his hand?
- About there.
- What's the matter?
- Was he good-looking?
Personally, I think he was a bit clean.
Smelt like girls in shops.
Munch, how good-looking was this bloke?
- He's not like Gaz-attractive.
- Who is?
- Me. We're twins. We're exactly the same.
- We're not twins. We're brothers.
We're twins. Like the Proclaimers
or the Cheeky Girls.
I like the fat one.
- Did he look like he could handle himself?
- You'd win in a fight.
- You sure?
- You'd deffo win him.
But not if it's Daredevil 'cause he's a blind
and you must never hit a blind,
even if you really want their dog.
Listen. What about Donna?
Did she have her arm on him?
- Why can't you ask her yourself?
- She's not here.
I know. They're down the road in Abra-Kebabra.
There we go. All back and existing.
Oh, you're so dull.
Not even a parking ticket.
Let's see...
Truancy. Tick.
Petty theft. Tick.
Murder. No. That's too much.
What's ABH?
A Big Horse. You can have a big horse.
Armed robbery? Why not?
This is so much more fun
than stopping my nan's war pension.
No. You have to wait. I'm thinking.
But I'm hungry for love. Look at me.
I'm a hungry, hungry hormone.
No.
I've got it. This is something brilliant.
Something Kate never did.
But I'm horny now. I could be crushed
under the weight of my own testicles!
You go out. I'll meet you
up at the castle in one hour.
- No.
- But that's your surprise.
Is it just sex outside?
Because the yard is considerably closer.
No. It's not sex outside.
It's sex on the castle.
I'm not aroused by turrets.
And it's not just sex on the castle,
it's something else.
The most amazing thing you can think of.
Oh.
Little hint. As Oscar Wilde once remarked -
"Oil your bum hole."
There you go. Jonny Keogh -
master criminal. Not so dull any more.
I'm so kind.
I've been with you all day.
It doesn't seem like all day.
Donna, if truth be beauty and beauty be truth,
you're the most honest girl that ever be.
You have a jalapeño in your hair.
You're so deep. You're like a bucket I once knew.
- So, about us...
- Eh?
- I really, really like you.
- I like you too. You talk like a snob.
Thank you.
Are you going to stay at mine tonight?
- Oh. I...
- Don't be shy. I thought we were adults.
- Yeah, but this is...
- What do you expect?
Donna, it comes down to this.
Will you come home with me
and get As for the rest of the year?
- Or will you go home and get C-minuses?
- Oh, God. I thought we were friends.
In every friendship there's give and take.
It helps that we're attracted to each other.
- I can't.
- You're free to walk away.
But I think it might be fun.
- We can talk about Pope afterwards.
- I don't know.
Two consenting adults. No strings. No guilt.
Just good marks for great sex.
I feel really weird about this.
- Come here, you!
- Donna!
- Call the police.
- You get home!
You see my girlfriend again and I'll smack you!
- I have to see her. I'm her tutor.
- You've not thought this through.
You see my girlfriend in
a non-educational sense, I'll smack you!
- Gaz...
- Don't try and stop me.
I'm not having some perv
impressing you with brunch.
You won't catch me wearing one!
Gaz!
Get off me. This is assault.
I'll do more than assault you. I'll a-pepper you!
Go home. We need to talk.
- Gaz...
- What?
- I think you should smack him.
- Eh?
- He propositioned me.
- Great. Another word I need to look up.
Punch him right in the smacker!
Give him a bunch of fives, wipe his chops clean
and knock him into next Wednesday!
Give him a thick lip and fucking fist him!
- I'll stop now.
- Don't... please.
- I'll give you money.
- I want you to leave Donna alone.
OK, OK. Just don't shoot me.
- How would I shoot you?
- The gun?
- What gun?
- The one in your trousers. I can feel it.
You don't need to use it.
- I'm not impotent.
- I never said you were. I want to live!
My dick is massive.
- He came back?
- He came back.
Mr Nudge is back in town. Stay there, swot boy.
God, it's like prep school all over again.
- You, home.
- No. You, home.
- You home, woman.
- Man.
Bugger home. Let's find a brunch.
- Janet!
- Jonny!
Oh, bike sex. Phwoar.
(SIRENS WAIL)
Police sex? You dirty bitch.
Run! Run, Jonny!
Helicopter sex? This is better
than anything Kate ever did.
Jonny, get out of there!
- What? Are we joining the mile-high club?
- Jonny!
No!
- Get off me bird!
- Get off me!
Jonny!
This is the police!
Put your weapons down and your hands up!
Put the gun down, Mr Keogh.
We can see it in your pocket.
I haven't got a gun. This is just a Crunchie.
(GUNSHOTS)
No!
Jonny!
♪ The angels can wait for a moment
♪ Come real close
♪ Forget the world outside
♪ Tonight we're alone
♪ It's finally you and I
♪ It wasn't meant to feel like this...
That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell
and that's Jonny.
♪ 'Cause when I look at my life
♪ How the pieces fall into place
♪ It just wouldn't rhyme without you
♪ When I see how my path
♪ Seemed to end up before your face
♪ The state of my heart, the place where we are
♪ Was written in the stars
♪ I made a few mistakes, yeah
♪ Like sometimes we do
♪ Been through a lot of heartache
♪ But I made it back to you
♪ 'Cause when I look at my life
♪ How the pieces fall into place
♪ It just wouldn't rhyme without you
♪ And when I see how my path
♪ Seemed to end up before your face
♪ The state of my heart, the place where we are
♪ Was written in the stars
♪ The state of my heart, the place where we are
♪ Was written in the stars