Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 6 - Mate Date - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪

(TALKING ON RADIO)

- Good party last night.
- Well, no one died.

No... but it was still good.

Jonny, you know yesterday...

Sure I can't make you anything
for letting us stay here?



- It's no trouble.
- Really? I thought we were a bit noisy.

- Didn't hear a thing.
- Not even when the legs came off the bed?

- Nope.
- Or when the ironing board snapped?

- Slept right through it.
- There were car alarms going off.

I didn't hear it! All right?

Sorry. I'm nervous.
I've got a new boss starting today.

Brilliant. Pretend you've got Tourette's
and swear when they call the register.

You don't have a register at work, Jonny.

"Jonny Keogh?" "Big monkey's bell end, miss."

- Jonny doesn't really understand work.
- I do. I run my own small business.

Going into the off-licence
for under-age kids is not a business.

So how did I earn £4.90
and a packet of Space Raiders last week?

- (DOOR BANGS)
- Are you all decent?

I haven't seen a naked man for weeks and -
with all due respect, Jonny -



I don't want to lose my innocence
to your pasty little knob.

Louise, it's 7.30. You never get up before ten.

I'm not a student any more.

I have to go out and look for work now -
like Jesus or the Littlest Hobo.

- You can walk me to the bakery, then.
- Bye. Is it OK if I take a shower?

Fine. Help yourself. Take everything -
everything that's precious to me.

Ow! What's this?

- I don't think Janet likes me very much.
- Rubbish.

Women can tell these things.
All your friends hate me.

You're mental. They love you.

- She's mental. I hate her.
- Who?

Kate. Did you not see her last night?

All lovey-dovey in front of Janet
and then shags Jonny in Janet's bed.

Gaz, have you ever wished a person dead?

I sometimes wish Ted Rogers was dead.

Ted Rogers is dead.

Sir Thomas Malory's "Le Morte D'Arthur".

- Read that one.
- No, you haven't.

I have. It's the one
when they go surfing on top of that van.

No. You're thinking of "Teen Wolf".

This is about the age of chivalry.

A bygone era
when dashing knights did noble deeds

for chaste and comely maidens.

- I'm a dashing knight. Who made that tea?
- I made it.

- Who went for chips in the pissing rain?
- Me.

- There's loads of other examples.
- So if I set you a quest, you'd do it?

Yes, but if we're acting out scenes from books,
how about my own library?

No, Gaz. That's porn. This is classic literature.

These are based on classic literature.
"Pleasure Island".

"Lust Of The Mohicans".

"MacBiff".

- I shouldn't have got you that book token.
- Ooh! "Moby Dick".

- Hang on. That's yours.
- Yes, I know.

Sir Gaz, your quest - should you choose
to accept it - is to split up Jonny and Kate.

- Seriously?
- Yes. For me.

- How?
- I don't know.

Did Sir Lancelot ask Guinevere,
"How do you want these dragons shifting?"

- I dunno. Did he?
- No, he didn't. He just slayed them.

If you do this quest for me, I'll do some chapters
of "The Count Of Monte Cristo".

It doesn't say "Count".

- New boss, eh? Very exciting.
- Disappointing, really.

I applied for the job,
but they found someone more experienced.

- Obviously. Have you met him yet?
- He's a she. No.

I just know her name. Louise, funnily enough.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I just...

Nothing.

- So how is your job hunting going?
- Very well.

It's amazing how easy it is
when you've got a degree. It opens doors for you.

Yeah. Anyway, I shall see you later.

Janet, you're three minutes late,
but I'll let you make it up later.

Ta-da! Look what I got.

A surfboard. Brilliant.

No. It's a new ironing board for Janet
to replace the one that we sexually harassed.

You might as well have got her a surfboard,
the amount she'll use that.

- I just want her to stop hating me.
- She doesn't.

And Donna hates me. And Louise.

Well, that's what happens when you go out
with a fanny magnet. Girls get jealous.

I know, but it's not just girls -
Gaz never speaks to me.

Gaz has said some very nice things about you.

- What? Nice tits?
- And arse. He likes that too.

Try actually talking to him.

All right. I only want you to be happy.

Then that's all I want too.

Ow!

Ow!

Gaz, can we have a break, please?

I thought it was your dream to build a car
out of parts that you'd headed.

It is. I just don't think you're aiming very well.

I knew by the way you threw that gearbox
in my goolies, something's up.

Yeah. Sorry, mate. I told Donna
I'd split Jonny and his girlfriend up.

- Why?
- Because she's not good for him.

And I get to act out a dirty book.

If you love a person
sometimes you have to hurt them.

- Have you read it?
- Like when you give me electric shocks.

You have to be cruel to be kind.

You're right. I should just find them
and get it over and done with.

Well done, mate.

(CRASHING)

1066.

William the Conqueror
brings fear and annihilation,

but also croissants and pain au chocolat.

1762.

The Earl of Sandwich put some chicken
between two slices of toast

and our eating habits are revolutionised forever.

- Louise, there are customers waiting.
- 1963. Beatlemania.

Linda McCartney will later go on
to invent the vegetarian pastie.

The future. Where next for baking?

(JINGLE PLAYS)

Thank you. Any questions?

Right. Meeting over.

Remember, the door to my office is always open -
so I can see what you're doing.

Lights.

- I enjoyed the cartoon show.
- What?

I never liked history, but you made it come alive.

Yes.

I'm off for lunch now, Janet.
You can come with me if you like.

You don't have to go out. This is a bakery.

I'm not eating here.
You hear all sorts of stories about this place.

I know somebody who likes you.

- Apart from you?
- Yup.

- Who?
- Mr Hand.

"Hello, Kate. I love you very much."

Hello, Mr Hand. You'll be kind to me, won't you?

"Yes."

And you'll never give Jonny nasty ideas
when I'm not around?

Um...

If you want that kind of promise,
you're better off with Mr Left Hand.

"All right, sweetheart?"

Jonny, let's not be distracted by silly friends.

OK. From now on,
it's just you and me and nobody else.

- All right, Jon?
- All right, Gaz?

- "Any of you lads fancy a drink?"
- I'll have a pint.

- We need to have a serious talk.
- We will, but you can't rush these things.

"Couple of pints over there for my mates. Thanks."

You're impossible to talk to.
You're being all demonstrative.

- Demonstrative?
- Sorry.

Some of Donna's big words
have hopped over to me like nits.

Yesterday I said "forthwith". Forthwith?

"Hello, Kate. Hello."

Your girlfriend's destroying you.

She's clingy, she's manipulative,
she's two-faced...

Cheers, love. She's really bad for you, man.

Gaz, you're wrong.
Have you ever tried talking to her?

I said, "Pint, please." Why else do you talk
to a girl unless you're trying to shag her?

- That's it.
- What?

Go over and chat her up.
She thinks you lot all hate her.

We do all hate her.

The two of you should go out without me
and get to know each other.

I bet you've got loads in common. You're both...

English...

and you've both had your tonsils out -
well, you haven't...

- You think we should go out together?
- Yeah.

- If you're sure...
- Yeah, I am.

Fine.

Hiya.

Save your appetite. I'm taking you out tonight.

I don't know if I can...

- OK. I finish at half seven.
- Half seven.

Hello. Is that the regional manager?

I'd like to say thank you for appointing Louise
as our new team leader.

Not only is she an inspiration to women,
but she's killed in many areas.

Skilled! She's skilled in many areas. Not killed!

Try again, with a bit more enthusiasm this time.

- Hello. Is that the regional manager?
- Louise, we're locking up...

- Kelly, you finished an hour ago.
- Louise let me stay for some training.

I've done time sheets and payroll
and weekly report.

- All the things Louise is meant to do.
- Yeah. In't great?

I can't believe you're bullying people.

- Not bullying. She's grooming me, like a...
- Paedophile!

I'm moulding her in my own image,
so she'll be ready to replace me.

- You've only been here a day.
- I won't be here forever, like you lot.

You're an insensitive cow sometimes.

How dare you speak to your team leader
like that? That merits a written warning.

I've called you worse than that
in Christmas cards!

Yes, but until four o'clock
we're in a work environment

and anything you say to offend me
could get you fired.

- You complete!
- Ah-ah-ah!

- Sick, twisted bitch!
- You're welcome.

Sir Gaz of Runcorn
has returned to claim his reward!

- Brilliant! You split 'em up?
- I haven't exactly split them up.

- So what exactly have you done?
- I bought this sword.

I'm serious about this.

Jonny and Kate are driving Janet insane.
She needs something good to happen.

If you don't do this, I will.

You don't want to see me and Kate
rolling around scratching each other...

No, Gaz, you don't. You just think you do.

Like you thought you wanted to see
"Monsters, Inc" and we had to leave.

- That film shouldn't have been a U.
- Have you got a plan?

Yes, I have.

It's going to take a lot of hard work,
but I'm prepared to go through with it for you.

- So what are you gonna do?
- Shag her.

- What?
- It's dead simple.

I'm gonna shag Kate, Jonny will dump her.

Yeah. Then he'll dump you and I'll dump you.

It's a stupid idea. You're living in a fantasy world.

I won't be doing it for fun.

I won't be enjoying it at all.

Cheers! What if she turns you down?

When did a woman ever turn me down?

I turn you down. If we had sex
whenever you wanted it, I'd never sleep or eat.

You'd eat.

Just think of something else.

"Think of something else." "It's a stupid idea."

"Living in a fantasy world."
She didn't actually say no.

One day, she's been there.
She spent all morning on a stupid slide show

and she put me on a written warning.

- What's in this pastie?
- Salad. It's a hot salad pastie.

- Did Louise make this?
- Not personally.

She didn't get her hands floury.
Just gave out orders.

"Cheese and onion? It's the 21st century.

"People want grapefruit and oysters
in their pies." I actually hate her!

- Have you told her all this?
- She's told me nothing else all day.

Always listen to your employees, Donna.

I model myself on that businessman.
What's he called?

The one with the beard
who goes round hugging people.

Willy Wonka?

That's the fella.
Anyway, she doesn't mean to be personal.

I do. I really do. Louise, you've changed.

You've got arrogant, unrealistic, selfish...

All right, you haven't changed.
But now you're my boss, it's horrible.

That's how I know I'm doing a good job.

- Then I get home to find this.
- Ooh, a surfboard.

"I hope this gets you as steamy as it got us.
Love, Kate and Jonny. Kiss kiss."

So that's what's bothering you.

- What?
- It's called displacement.

Worrying about a smaller problem
to cover up a more painful problem.

- For God's sake...
- Look. It's like this pastie, right?

Louise is the pastry on the outside

protecting you from the red hot... lettuce.

Don't worry. Gaz is gonna split them up.

- He's gonna wave his wand?
- No. He's not allowed to do that.

But he will think of something
and then all your problems will be over.

Hello. Yes. I believe you supply testicles.

Nearly all.

So are you looking forward
to your big "date" with Gaz?

- I'd rather be with you, Jonny.
- He's a really friendly guy.

This gives him a chance to get inside you.

Mademoiselle...

Bon... Jovi.

- Hiya.
- This is just great. Got everything?

Just gotta nip to the bog. You got a pound?

You're going to have such a great time.

I do want Jonny and Kate to split up,
but I don't want Jonny to get hurt.

Do you know what I think?

We should change the name of the bakery to "pi".

Not the word "pie", the mathematical symbol pi,

which looks a bit like a pie.

Thanks for that.

What are you doing here?

Nowhere else to go. The park was cold,
there was a scary man in the bus shelter

and I'm banned from the laundrette
for tumble-drying hedgehogs.

- Where's Gaz?
- Gone for a meal with Kate.

- What?
- Yeah. Sort of a mate date.

Aren't you worried
that she's with someone with Gaz's reputation?

Just 'cause he ate some chips out of a grid once!
The chippy had shut!

You know what I mean -
the two of them, alone, together.

So?

Just 'cause I'm alone with three women,
does that mean we're gonna have a big orgy?

That was a real question.

So what Jonny thought was a banana
was actually a plantain.

We laughed about it later.

Yeah.

- How are things between you and Jonny?
- Great.

Yeah. He's a nice lad.
That's all he is - just a little boy.

- What do you mean?
- You want more than that.

You want a man of the world. A man
with a job, money, shower you with presents.

- Flower for the lady?
- Piss off!

You want a man who knows what women want.

A passionate, yet sensitive man.

A man with a penis the size of a Swiss roll.

- What are you talking about?
- I think you know.

It's obvious we want each other.
I can tell by the way you look at me.

So after the curry, why don't we go back to mine

and try something really spicy?

You're unbelievable.

Yes, I am.

To do this behind Jonny's back
and then to think I'd sleep with you.

- Yeah, but...
- Gaz...

You're the most obnoxious person
I've ever met, and I've been to London.

I knew you'd be like this,
but Jonny wouldn't believe me. Well, he will now.

No, no... When I said come back to mine, I...
I told you where to shove them!

No, but I've got a few ideas.

Why do you think Donna ran off?

Dunno. She obviously doesn't trust Gaz
the way I do. He won't try anything.

Jonny, he's a man - he'll try clog dancing
if he thinks there's sex in it.

- Have you had your tea yet?
- No.

Have a delicious pastie.

No, don't. Louise, why are you here?
Is tormenting me at work not enough?

That's different. I'm here now
as your friend to support you...

Oh. Hello. Yes.
I'd like to place an advert. Staff wanted.

Have you got spaghetti shapes? What kind?

X-Men, Bob the Builder,
Scooby Doo and Newsnight.

Oh. Scooby Doo, please.

There's Chicken McNuggets in the bin.
I could heat them up.

Oh, wow. Sometimes when Kate
cooks really nice food for me,

I close my eyes and pretend
it's the rubbish you used to make.

- Aw, that's sweet.
- Yeah.

The other day I pretended
I was eating your dustbin McNuggets

when I was eating her coq au vin.

That doesn't mean anything, does it?

Yeah, it does. It means "chicken in wine".

Jonny! You are never
to see that person ever again.

- We weren't doing anything...
- He was trying to sleep with me.

- Get your things. We're leaving.
- Why?

At last I've opened your eyes
to your "friends" -

these scruffy, alcoholic, no-hopers...

- Hang on a minute!
- Sorry. Which bit of that did I get wrong?

None. That's what I'm annoyed about.

- It's nothing to do with Janet.
- Wake up, Jonny! They're all the same!

This crowd of morons you hang round with!
And her - she's the worst of the lot!

"Jonny, I love you...
Jonny, I don't love you any more..."

"Now I love you 'cause I'm jealous 'cause
you've found someone better." It's pathetic!

If you want to spend your life
with these people, fine.

If not, you can come with me.

That was an impression of you.

You don't understand. I want to be with you,
not your grimy little friends.

I've been looking for my Prince Charming
and now I've found him,

he just wants to hang round with goblins.

Who told you about the goblins?

I try to be nice to them and what do I get?
A sordid come-on from Gaz.

Let's go, Jonny. And surely
you can leave that can of lager behind!

That was exciting. I can't wait
to tell everyone at work tomorrow.

You took it well - being called a moron.

She wasn't talking about me.

No. She said "scruffy" and "no-hopers".
She meant you and Donna.

Is this a fish pastie?

A seafood medley - eel, octopus and winkle.

Plus a secret ingredient.

- What's happened? Where's Kate?
- She's gone. I've dumped her.

- Love 'em and leave 'em.
- You dumped her?

Yes. She can't talk to you like that.
And what she said about Gaz.

- She said he was trying to sleep with her.
- Yeah.

So you've dumped your girlfriend
for not sleeping with someone else?

Shut up, Louise!

- Are you OK, Jonny?
- Yeah.

I'm a bit upset, I suppose.
I feel like I've been a bit of an idiot.

You haven't. I've been an idiot.

I think I've just realised something.

- Yeah?
- That I should have realised straightaway.

- Yeah?
- It seems so obvious now.

What is it?

This pastie's got Milky Bar in it.

I can't believe you were gonna sleep with her!

You can't do anything right!
You can't even climb a flight of steps!

It'd be easier if you let me take this off!

All right. Only so I can shout at you!

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?

Yeah. I found him. You what?

Janet, that's brilliant. That's fantastic.
OK. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

What?

It seems your perverted plan did work -
Jonny and Kate have split up.

- I told you!
- Explain this plan to me again.

I just thought I would...
It worked. That's the main thing.

- You were actually gonna sleep with her?
- No. You're my dusky maiden.

- You're a lucky man.
- And about to get luckier.

- What do you mean?
- I rescued Princess Jonny.

Did my perverted quest,
now I get my perverted reward.

- I suppose I did promise.
- You did. Go straight to chapter 59.

Oh. We've got no condoms.

Yes, we have. I bought some for...

No, wait. I wasn't gonna use them...
I wasn't gonna not use them.

It was to get me into the frame of mind...

- Plenty of men have erection trouble.
- I'm not having trouble!

I've woken up and he's having a lie-in.

A couple of us
are having Mexican food tonight.

I woke up this morning and...

...a special part of me was limp.

When I say a couple of us,
I mean me and you.