Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 5 - Purgatory - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

Hello? Janet?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Donna. How lovely to see you.

- Where's Gaz?
- Gaz? No idea.



I've been having a lie-down. It's good
for the back. My embargo's been playing up.

- His mobile's here.
- Oh, yeah... That.

He came round before to talk about you -
lovely, lovely Donna.

- Me? Where is he now?
- He went away to think about you.

- Dearest, dearest Donna-dons.
- What did he say about us?

He said...

I've been neglecting him?
I've abandoned our relationship?

Exactly. Now go away
and bandon yourself up again.

- I'll take his phone.
- Great idea. Bye.

- He must have really exhausted you.
- Er, yeah.

And, Jan... Thanks for being such a good friend.

- Eh?
- Listening to him. He can be a bit...

Yeah. Thanks! Bye.

I think you handled that superbly!



- What are we gonna do?
- I'm going home.

- Why?
- Why?

Me girlfriend turned up while I was shagging you!

OK. Fine. But we need to talk about this.

It was a mistake. Feel free to hate me. I do.

But Donna's my friend.

Don't you dare, Janet! You big gob,
filthy-boobed, big bad wolf of shame!

I've got to tell her.
I'd tell you if I slept with Donna.

Eh?

No. Some things just need to be forgotten.
Like this situation.

And my ill-advised Brazilian wax. I'm off.

Your ankles are little. Like trotters.

Aw.

Aah.

You're just lovely, aren't you?
Can't stop looking at you.

- Is that why you come in when I'm working?
- Yeah.

Euegh! That's horrible.

That's why we need somewhere decent to go.

I was improper with a corner pocket.

- You thought it was me.
- I wondered why you were lined with felt.

And why I had a six-inch diameter.

Come on. After three years with Janet,
he's used to... playing to an empty auditorium.

It's depressing.
We haven't got anywhere else to go.

- We can't go to my mum's.
- She hates me.

- Or his mum's.
- She hates me.

So, basically, we've got nowhere to... bonk.

Bonk? Who says bonk?

Kate does. It's very descriptive
of what I do in the bedroom.

Although I'd say it's more of a boing.

Well, if you think your sex lives
are depressing, listen to this.

I'm graduating.

- Congratulations.
- It's not congratulations.

Everyone's leaving to do stupid things
like joining the civil service

or working with disadvantaged children -
little scroungers!

- Are you gonna miss uni?
- No. They made me do work.

- And I want to go to the ball.
- Are you in panto?

The Summer Ball. It's been cancelled
because of those charitable twats.

I bought a gorgeous dress.

- Why don't we have a party somewhere?
- Why?

'Cause then Louise can wear her dress
and it'll be the ideal place for us to bonk.

It's boing. Like Zebedee.

Gaz? Gaz?

- Where have you been?
- I went to the shop for some...

- Some?
- Some er... Some sinks.

But I remembered we already had some, so...

I bought you these flowers.

What for?

To say sorry for not letting you into my life
these past few days. I've been selfish.

You selfish? But you're not the one
who's been sha... shadow boxing.

Terrible thing to do to a shadow.

Well, maybe we should talk.
About what's going on?

I know you don't like talking about feelings,
but we should evaluate.

I can't evaluate.
Women evaluate and men make sperm.

You stop evaluating at about 55,
but I can churn out sperm for the rest of my life.

I want to talk to you. I want us to do
something nice for each other every day.

Then we'll be forced to consider each other.
Like... Syd Little and Eddie Large.

- And that'll cure my guilt.
- Why are you feeling guilty?

Guilt? No, no. I said "gout".

- What sort of nice things?
- Well...

I could start by making you a dirty sandwich.

- Wait, wait!
- What's the matter?

I just need a shower.
I got me knob caught in some margarine.

It could be slippy and dangerous.

Hi, Louise. This isn't a good time.

- You're cleaning.
- Yes.

Tidy house, tidy mind. Dirty house, dirty girl.
Dirty, dirty Janet. Bad.

Seeing as you've scraped the scum off,

why don't you celebrate with a party here?

That's the last thing I need right now.

I'm so messed up.
I've got Jonny on this shoulder and Ga...

Gandhi on this one.

"Peaceful protest. Peaceful protest." Get off!

If you were a proper friend you would.

- I'm a good friend.
- Brillo. I've asked Jonny and Kate.

What?

I like them. He's loads nicer
since he split up with you.

It'll help you to get over him
seeing him in love with someone else.

Nothing helps depression
more than seeing Louise in a lovely dress.

Aagh!

What's going on?!

Gaz. We've got nowhere else to go
and you said we could use this place.

It's like Porn World in here.
We particularly like "Scottish Nastiness".

Can you go?
I've got something nice for Donna here.

Honest to Christ! I'm supposed to be
making her happy 'cause I sha... shagged her.

We're just so young and horny.
The only other place is the skips.

- (KEYS JANGLE)
- Get back in!

They've given me more hours at the factory.

Not to worry. Come and sit down here.

- I can't get my essay done in time.
- Ah-ah. What did we say?

I can't do it all. It's impossible.
It's just... It's impossible!

Shut up. Just be quiet.

Let me fix you. Would you like a pony?

What?

Girls like ponies.

- You don't get it.
- Yes, I do.

Remember. We do something
for each other every day.

- Yeah.
- I'll do this for you. I'll do your essay.

But we're studying Dante.
It's about purgatory, ironically.

Come here.

See?

(BANGING)

The pipes want lagging.

Don? About Gaz...

I know exactly what you're gonna say.

Do you? Then why aren't you
ripping my face off with a trowel?

I know he had a chat with you about us.

It's fine. He even made me
my favourite breakfast - jam and spoon.

It's not that.

I was a bit offended
that he decided to talk to you instead of me,

but it gives him perspective
to bounce off other women.

- You don't understand.
- Look.

Whatever you and him
thrashed out the other night,

I'm sure he's thrashed it out
with me a million times.

He did say that your relationship was in danger
and that he needed some affection.

So I... So I...

- So you what?
- I...

I'm sorry. I just... I'm bad, Donna.
I just needed a cuggle and he was so...

God. Well... What happened?
What did you do? I don't believe this.

- Well, we...
- Just do not do this.

He threw me on the couch...

- And then he...
- And what?

- He told me to get lost.
- Get lost? Gaz doesn't say "get lost".

He was being kind.
He also said "bum off" and "get to willy".

Really? Good.

He says that he loves you more than life itself.
More than he cares about...

- What does Gaz care about?
- Tyres.

More than tyres.

I'm so sorry. Please can you forgive me?
I don't know what happened.

Why did you do it?

'Cause I'm a slag.

A big, dirty, horny, evil slag
with hooves and knives

and all horribleness growing in my brain!

Oh, shit...

And because I wanted a cuggle...
I'm so sorry. I don't know...

Janet.

Look, if you ever want a cuddle...

- It's cuggle.
- Yes.

If you ever want a cuggle... just come to me. OK?

But you have no penis.

Gaz keeps a spare.

Hello, lesbionics.

I've got my dress all ready.
Do you want to see it?

Oh. Group hug. Group hug.

I would, but I've got much better things
to be doing with my time.

Oh! I can feel an eyebrow going wrong.
Panic stations.

- I'm so very stupid.
- You know all sorts of stuff.

You went to mechanic school.
I've seen it on "Grease".

You all wear leather
and sing about bumpers. It looks lovely.

- Munch, things on films aren't real.
- What do you mean?

We didn't dance at college.
We did the NVQ and went to the pub.

(AWFUL AMERICAN ACCENT)
For a cheeseburger and a shake?

No. For a pint.

And there wasn't a ball where you threw
cream pies at that pesky coach?

- No.
- I'm never going to mechanic school.

- Stupid lying documentary!
- "Grease" is a musical. It's not real.

What about "Bugsy Malone"?

It's just children dressed as gangsters.

I just thought it was set on a really rough estate.

None of these things are real.

Well... So... Even the Super Mario Brothers?

No.

- No, that's real. Don't worry.
- Good job you know these things.

I never spot when things weren't real.
I thought Jeremy Clarkson was real.

Then I saw the joins.

I wish I was clever.
Then I could do Donna's essay.

Why don't you get someone else to write it?
I know - Stephen Hawking.

I should ring him
and ask him to write me an essay?

Don't ask, you don't get.
You could fix his car for him in return.

- Good idea.
- And, and...

Professor Hawking will let you have a go
on that scooter he goes round in.

Beep beep! "Out of my way, humans!"

(GROANING)

What's that noise?

- What are you doing?
- We were trying to do Spider-Man...

But it's gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Jonny, why did you phone
the speaking clock so much?

I got lonely when you were at work.

Jonny. What are you doing here?

I came to return this for your party.

The punch bowl. Thank you.
I'd forgotten about that.

- No problem. Bye, then.
- Bovril!

Did you just call me Bovril?

I bought Bovril - by accident.
Would you like some?

It's not really the weather for Bovril.

But it's an all-weather drink, you said.
"Come rain or shine, 'tis Bovril time."

Yeah. But Kate said too much salt isn't...

Oh, I see. I suppose you're not going
to the vet's for your salt licks any more.

He was getting a bit suspicious.
He'd never seen me donkey.

Kate's looking out for you, then?

Yeah. She said I should
take better care of me health.

Did you know pies have got fat in 'em?
It's astounding.

Right.

So what about you?

Have you got anyone on the horizon,
anyone special?

Are you? You know... courting?

Oh... Come here.

It's a tough life getting over Jonny.

I do'ed it with a man.

- You what?
- I done it. I...

You had sex? With a man?

Who with? Who was it? I'll kill him.

- With your date from the other day?
- Yeah.

Why are you crying?
He didn't hurt you or anything?

No, he didn't hurt me. Let's face it,
Jonny, I have a large capacity.

What's wrong, then?
Will you be seeing him again?

No. I won't be seeing him again.

You were safe, weren't you?

- Dirty Janet.
- Oh, Christ.

Come here.

Oh, Jonny. Why can't it be like it was?

Why can't you be? And why am I so?

Shh!

I miss this, Jonny.

I miss you.

Yeah. I miss you too.

I miss these eyes.

I miss these shoulders.

And I miss your squidgy marmadukes.

So...

So...

Was he better than me?

- What's going on, Gaz?
- Eh?

It's Janet. She slept with him.

I never did... see anything like it. With who?

Her date. She do'ed him, apparently.

- Her date? So you don't know, then?
- What don't I know?

That Alun Armstrong
was the first man on the moon.

That's a very important fact.

And an Iranian boy
once had a tooth growing out of his foot.

She said this date wasn't much good
at the dirt stuff.

Wait...

What do you mean, not good?

She said he had an extra testicle.

And he plaited his pubes. And that he went...

(SQUELCHES)

He doesn't have plaited pubes.

Apparently, he's tried... terribly complicated.

- So you know who it is, then?
- Well, I know of his work.

I do believe he is a hottie.

Who is he, Gaz? Is he in here?
I shall twist the extra bollock till it falls away.

No... That'd be doing him a favour.

Right. I shall twist the teste of shame till...

Till the other bollocks
start talking about him behind his back.

"What do you think of Lionel?"
"I'm not entirely sure..."

Hold on. Have you named your testicles?

Yes. Lionel and Jennifer.

They're a comforting presence.
Like the Brownies.

- Are you ready?
- Of course.

Got a warm bed waiting at Janet's.
Come on, Lionel.

Jonny! Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.

And Kate. I've brought wine.
It's the cheapest I could find. You'll love it.

And Kate. Katie, Katie, Kate-ums.

You look very sweaty.

It's all the sex.

Let's get this open, shall we?

You were great.

- Even the bit where?
- Especially that bit.

- Look at this. It's Gaz's perfect woman.
- What's that?

That - or as I call her, Squirtmilla -

has my head,
five pairs of breasts in a range of sizes,

and one J-Lo buttock and one Kylie.

She's only got three pairs of breasts.

There's two round the corner for back rubs.

You really work at love, don't you?

I've got to - 'cause one of my mates
cuggled Gaz by accident.

- I thought we were OK.
- We are.

But if you're ever sad and single
and fall in his direction again, I shall chop you.

Make way. Somebody flourish me.

(MAN BLOWS A FANFARE)

- Oh, no. Look at that.
- Oh, my Jesus!

You shop at New Look too.

Pot Noodle pâté, anyone?

Hi. Oh...

Hey. You haven't told?

- No, Gaz. And I won't.
- No, you won't.

She really loves you.

What the frig have I been doing
this essay for, then? Jesus!

I mean, thank you.

- What are you doing?
- It'll look odd if we don't kiss.

Don't be so bloody stupid! Have this.

Hello.

It's better than being cock-eyed.

Nobody works during parties -
except strippers and me when I was three.

- You were a stripper when you were three?
- No. I entertained the crowd.

They used to push me along
to a wall of empty bottles.

Baby bowling, it was called.

Look what I've got. Told you I'd do it.

It's not exactly what you wanted,
but I worked hard on it.

It's got big words in it.
I finally learnt how to spell "jazzercise".

- How did you?
- With a little help from Mr Brain.

- The one who makes the faggots?
- No. My brain.

- Well... I didn't know you could type.
- It's like playing the piano.

- You can't play the piano.
- No, I can't, can I?

Well, thank you. Did it take you ages?

Not as long as a blow job, so let's go.

No. I want to read it,
then we can stay and have a few drinks.

Oh. Look what I made you.

Brilliant. It's the woman from that dream I had.

Where's her pigeon?

Well, this is grown-up, isn't it?

- Civilised, isn't it?
- European.

- Very adult.
- Yeah.

Um...

I'll go and stand in the kitchen.

- Janet?
- Yeah?

If we have a few bevvies tonight
and we can't get a taxi home...

can we crash here?

Your bed's a bit big for one, isn't it?

Um... Let me just go and have a think
about that... whilst I vomit.

- Is everybody ready?
- Yeah!

OK. Coming, ready or not. Prepare to be Louised!

Oh, my Jesus!

- I think you should take it off, Louise.
- Every man in the room is thinking that.

Is that a wedding dress?

What if it is? Janet doesn't need it any more.

I've never seen it before.

We... We should go.

No. Stay. It's fine. I'm fine.

Stay? Honestly?

Brilliant. I promise we won't be too noisy
in our love-making.

Yeah. She does just grunt quietly.

Unless something goes up her bum,
then it's like a Mariah Carey concert.

Marvellous. I can think of nothing better.

"Dante is like a Datsun
because he is cheap and sometimes blue."

You're very clever.

Obviously I like you all - to a point.

But to choose... Mm.

Which one of you has an inflated sense
of my importance?

Not you, dear. You're poor.

I'm taking you out tonight.

- I finish at half seven.
- Half seven.

- Where's Kate?
- She's gone.

We want each other. I can tell.

After the curry, why don't we go back to mine
and try something really spicy?

- You're unbelievable.
- Yes, I am.