Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 4 - Cuggles - full transcript
Louise has graduated and is job-hunting. She applies to become the head of ICI but at her interview it becomes clear that she has lied about her qualifications and it is suggested she work ...
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ I just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪
I'm gonna be so bored after I graduate.
Maybe I'll take up a hobby.
Is fox-hunting difficult?
Get a job. That's the point of doing a degree.
I'm not getting a summer job.
I spent all last July licking envelopes.
- Temp jobs are like that.
- Who said it was a job? I was just bored.
Chocolate! Chocolate! All hail chocolate.
Just as good as Jonny. Especially
the King Size Snickers - they're ribbed.
You haven't been intimate with this KitKat?
I've tried. They just haven't got the girth.
Janet, Donna says I need a job.
You should start looking now.
But I can't. I'm so lazy.
Can't you do it for me?
It's not normal to be thinking
about Toblerones in this way.
I'm so very lonely.
I need something that suits my stature.
I'm a bastion of knowledge.
Look at me bastioning.
Ooh! Easy there, you big... basta.
You have to start somewhere. I still work
in the bucket factory 20 hours a week.
Yeah, but you're a skank, Donna.
Thanking you.
- What's up with you?
- I miss Jonny. I really miss him.
So why are you walking like that?
Because I tried to replicate him with
a Curly Wurly, but it's gone dreadfully wrong.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round
♪ Round and round, round and round
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round...
(GIGGLING)
- # Day...
- (GIGGLING)
♪ The slugs on the bus go... (SLURPS)
♪ The slugs on the bus go... (SLURPS)
(LAUGHTER)
God?
- Die, laughing boy!
- Gaz, no!
- What are you doing?
- This was my fault.
- What are you doing here?
- We're keeping warm.
- Keeping warm?
- Yeah. By shagging.
- We haven't got anywhere else to go.
- You can't go here!
Gaz, don't you remember
the first flush of romance?
The first spark of attraction?
Sometimes passion takes hold and won't let go.
You must remember that.
I remember all that experimental stuff
you do to impress each other - flowers and that.
We do all that.
- He fingered me.
- I did.
Here. Take my keys.
Use our flat. Donna won't be there.
She'll be in the library
or on the "South Bank Show".
- We won't.
- Jonny?
Are you free for a drink later?
Donna's not got much time for me with this essay.
Yeah. All right.
Jonny...
Nobody says, "He fingered me" any more.
She's so old-fashioned and conservative.
Me mum's gonna love her.
1,416... 1,417... 1,418.
Ooh! Are we playing hide and seek?
- No. It's my essay. I need 82 more words.
- The tutors don't count the words, Donna.
It says you can be penalised
if you go below the word count.
I would love to be penalised now.
I'll just have to stick some adjectives in.
Great idea. What's an adjective? Is it lubed?
Here you are, Louise. Jobs pages.
Put what you like. They only scan the essays.
So I could insert "brazil nuts" in random places
and they wouldn't notice?
- No.
- I'd notice if somebody inserted nuts!
I just wouldn't mind.
Janet, why don't you just phone Jonny
and get him back?
'Cause he's with that girl - the new Janet.
Kate. He's done well there.
Gaz says he's like a new man.
He's got a sort of pregnancy glow about him.
Personally, I think she's a bit up herself.
Yeah. She's all... "Mmnn Jonny."
Yeah. And all... "Mmnn Jonny-wonny."
- Yeah. I hate her.
- Me too.
Oh, youse guys!
I'd be more horrible, but I don't know her.
Why don't you look at the lonely hearts?
Because I'm not an ageing divorcee
with man issues.
Yes, you are, dear.
Anyway, my Auntie Nigel
found her husband through the lonely hearts.
Give us a look, then.
If we're considering it, someone else normal
must have thought of it too.
- Losers!
- Eh?
These lonely hearts.
If you're lonely, you call your mum.
- Some things a mother can't provide.
- Yeah. Sperm.
There must be some discreet women.
If you're looking for discreetness,
look no further than Tenalady Active.
- Why do you want a discreet woman?
- Just ignore me.
It's just that Donna's so busy
with this course and that...
- You can stop ignoring me now.
- Oh. Are you going to cheat on her?
No. I still want her... It's just I also have needs.
- Call your mum.
- Different kinds of needs.
Call my mum.
Your mum's malnourished.
It's not even like the sex is bad,
'cause that's still there.
- She sometimes reads over my shoulder.
- Oh?
That's OK. Means I can watch
"Top Of The Pops" over hers. We all win.
Doesn't she fancy you?
I don't know. It's something
I can't put me finger on.
Your elbow. You can't put your finger
on your same elbow. Like this. See?
No, no. I just need some...
- Cuddles.
- No.
Well, yeah. Actually... yeah.
I just need some cuddles, some affection.
You're right.
Come here.
Can you think of any phrases
that don't mean anything?
- What do you mean?
- Like "in conclusion" and "per se".
- Stuff that doesn't mean anything.
- "I promise I won't come in your mouth"?
What? That doesn't mean a thing.
- Anyone interesting in there?
- No. Well...
When they say "good sense of humour",
what does it mean?
I think I'm hilarious, but nobody laughs
at my Trevor McDonald impression.
"Hello. I'm Trevor McDonald
and here is some news."
- Ooh! This job is so me.
- Found a good one?
Yeah. I'll just have to lie a tiny bit on my CV,
but everybody does that.
It's just one extra qualification.
How's your coffee? Fair Trade.
The world gets richer with every sip.
Yeah. It's like drinking a lovely Colombian child.
Can I get you a cushion?
- I'm fully plumped.
- What about a back rub?
I'm surprisingly relaxed
after the three blow jobs. Thanks.
I'll sing. # Mull of Kintyre...
♪ Oh, mist rolling in from the sea
My desire... ♪
You can bake as well. God, you're perfect.
Janet works in a baker's
and she never so much as made me a scone.
If I was in love, I'd bake for my boyfriend.
I'd do everything for him.
Cooking, cleaning, random acts of masturbation.
Everything. It's the only way
to gain someone's respect.
Kate, you know...
- If you were in love with someone...
- Yes, Jonny?
How would they know?
The man that I fall for would have as deep
a love and knowledge of biscuits as I do.
- Biscuits?
- Custard creams, Hobnobs, digestives.
- Jaffa Cakes?
- Not a biscuit.
Exactly. You are precisely right.
What about Jammie Dodgers?
The old Jammie Ds?
- Perfection in confection.
- That's true, and it rhymes!
- And they're jammie-licious.
- I always knew that was a real word!
The test would be his view on KitKats.
Oh. The old "are they, aren't they" debate.
Confined to the chocolate emporium
or welcomed into the biscuit arena?
And?
It's a hotbed of a minefield of a conundrum
of a pickle of a riddle for me.
- But if I look into my heart...
- Yes?
What my soul desires
with its cup of tea mid-afternoon...
- Yes, Kate?
- Yes, Jonny. A KitKat is a biscuit.
Oh, thank God!
Kate, you're so special.
Janet used to keep them in the fridge
next to the Nutella! Can you imagine?
(RECORDING) Good afternoon.
You have reached Dial-A-Mate
for women seeking men.
You have reached box number 84Q.
To leave a message, press 1.
To complain about teenagers
setting you up for a laugh, press 2.
Hello. My name is Janet and I liked your ad.
You sounded nice and I am single.
Er... I have blonde hair, I'm young and slim.
That makes me sound really big-headed.
Sorry. I'm not that good.
If you want to meet,
I'll be in the Archer at seven tonight.
You'll know me because I'm just dirt, baby.
No, really. I'll do owt.
Oh, and ciao.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Where exactly have you had time to do
an economics degree, a zoology degree,
become a Mason and captain of my golf club?
I did it through the Open University.
- You're applying for the post of...
- Head of Finance at ICI.
These are all lies. It's completely fabricated.
We can get you on disability -
you're mad enough.
Fine. If you don't appreciate ingenuity
or charm or my manicure, then fine.
It's not up to me. Tell me honestly
what your qualifications are and I'll help you.
- Well, I do have a degree.
- Brilliant. What's the subject?
Sociology.
Right.
Have you ever considered a career in Pizza Hut?
Another pint, please, Norma.
I don't suppose you fancy...
Well... Can I just?
You're all nice and mumsy and...
Can I just lie on your breasts for half an hour?
Oh... Sorry, love. I'm looking for affection, not...
I don't even know what you are.
Whoo! You look great.
Hiya. Not with Jonny.
- No. He's with Kate.
- They're always together.
- Like me and Donna used to be.
- And me and Jonny.
Why are you dressed
like the biggest slut in the universe?
Thank you.
- I have a date with a man.
- Don't you think that's rushing things?
Don't you think Jonny's rushing things with Kate?
Kate the... great. No, that's wrong.
Kate the... mate. Think of something rubbish
that rhymes with Kate.
Kate...
Kate... the potate...
...o.
- Janet?
- Yeah.
- Why did you arrange to meet in here?
- What?
- This is where me and Jonny come.
- So what?
- You want him to see you, don't you?
- What do you mean?
I arranged to meet Box 84Q here
'cause it's near my house.
- Box 84Q?
- That's his name.
God, it's one of them personal ads. That's sad.
No, it's not. It's my way of getting over Jonny.
You still love him?
No.
Right. So you arranged to meet Box 84Q
in your ex-boyfriend's pub,
- wearing the most brilliant skirt ever.
- Thank you.
You should have worn underwear, though.
It's not nice.
Oh, it's smiling at me now.
What's your point, Gaz?
I'm moving on with life, dating other men.
I wasn't criticising.
I wish I'd thought of it with Donna.
Can you have a word with her?
She's not around... Stop drinking me pint!
Sorry. I'm just so nervous. Where is he?
- Who?
- Box 84Q.
He said he was blond, slim,
had a strong jawline and...
Oh, shit!
'Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?
(SCREAMING)
Yeah!
Have some of that.
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
And with my York Notes.
- Gaz said we could hang out here.
- Could you hang back in again, please?
I've got to do some bloody work.
God, Gaz! He's got no consideration.
What's the matter?
Have you got the meany-greenies in?
Possibly. If I knew what that meant!
I'm still 70 words short.
- On an essay?
- No. On an opera I'm composing.
Can you go somewhere else?
- What's it about?
- "The Bell Jar".
It sounds rude. So...
I could help. I did "The Bell Jar" at A level.
I don't think that'd be a good idea.
I don't think you and me...
- I mean, Janet wouldn't like it.
- I got an A.
Stay on the bed, mate. You, off!
You didn't even check the gender. Jesus!
"'Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?"
It's like an episode of "Bad Girls".
It's better than moping around
thinking about Jonny.
- You admit it, then?
- What?
- You still want Jonny.
- No. I just miss... stuff.
Stuff? As in S-E-X?
N-O-P-E.
What's a "nop-e"?
I don't miss the sex.
I do miss that a bit, obviously,
but there's things you can do for frustration.
Do tell.
What I do in the privacy of my bedroom
is between me and... a King Size Bounty.
Ooh!
- Oh, you eat it.
- Yes, I do.
Comfort eating.
Last night I ate a tub of Ben & Jerry's,
got into bed and had a good cry over nothing.
- You woman.
- I'm very sensitive. Things affect me.
You don't need to comfort-eat.
You've got Donna. There's someone in your bed.
When she finishes her reading.
We sleep together and that,
but it's just like... Noddy and Big Ears.
It's just perfunctory animal sex.
- I thought that'd suit you.
- I did too, but once the cuddles went...
- Cuddles? Cuggles.
- Men like them too, you know.
Ah, is wickle Gaz missing his cuggles?
Ah, come here, baba.
Come here.
See? This is what I miss.
- This is quite good.
- Yeah, it is, isn't it?
You actually smell a bit like Donna. Buckety.
Shh!
I should let go. Man, this should be weird.
Mm. But it's not. Weird.
Just do it for five minutes.
God, this is brilliant.
I know. Two women,
king-size bed and a can of beer.
It could only get better if there were Jammie Ds.
I'm up to my word count,
you've taken out that big flaw.
She's so clever. I'd like to stick a hoover
in her ear and suck those brains out.
That's so sweet.
- So, Donna, are you going out?
- Eh?
Only I fancied a bit and you're in the way.
We should all go out.
It'd be nice spending time with Gaz too.
- He's in the pub?
- Yeah.
But Janet's meeting her date there tonight.
- Date? She's dating?
- Yeah.
I don't care!
- What's up?
- Nothing. Nothing at all. I love you!
Ow!
I won't be needing this any more.
Shit.
- Indeed.
- I don't know what happened.
We had sex.
And you're Janet.
We didn't use the condom.
You're Janet.
- The condom!
- Yes. It's empty! It's empty!
Well, did you? You know...
(SQUELCHING)
- Buckets.
- Oh, shit!
- I know.
- I should have a bath.
(LOUISE) Hello, you two!
Shit.
My God, the day I've had!
Louise.
Janet, can you at least put the kettle on?
Jesus. Look at this mess.
- I should go.
- No. Stay.
You will not believe this.
My degree - my three years - has been for...
Euegh!
What's that condom doing there?
I'm celebrating my singledom.
- By inflating condoms?
- It's symbolic.
I'm blowing up johnnies
so that Jonny will... blow away.
- That's nice.
- I'm gonna call Donna.
No. Listen. This bloody man at the job centre
was like, "You're really suited..."
Why have you got no clothes on?
Um... I had a bath.
Why?
I... disgraced meself.
Oh, God. Sit further away.
Anyway, with all my qualifications,
they could only offer me a career in...
- Why are you wearing Gaz's T-shirt?
- Er...
Because um...
Louise... Oh, God.
- Don't tell anyone. Don't tell Jonny.
- Or Donna.
What?
We slept together. We didn't mean to.
It just started off as...
You two?
Yeah, right! Give me credit for some credit.
- You two?
- We just did it then on the couch.
Stop it, you're killing me.
Oh, God.
Thank you. I needed a laugh
after the day I had.
- I suppose you just really fancied Janet?
- Yeah, I did, actually.
- And I bet he was strong and masterful.
- Yeah.
I bet you were like feral beasts
in the night, all bitey and rampant.
- Yeah, we were.
- Aah.
And you set up this just to make me laugh.
You're such a good friend, Janet.
Well, joke over.
I'd better go. Got these forms to fill in.
I suppose you need to get back to being filthy.
Yeah.
OK, love birds. Toodle-oo.
Have fun with your wild sex! Miaow!
Oh, Gaz. Do me next time, eh?
You big stud muffin.
I don't know where Janet is.
- Maybe she took her date home.
- No!
Sorry. My toe spasmed.
Ah, brilliant. You're here.
Donna, get me a Malibu and Malibu.
- Have you seen Gaz?
- Yeah. He's at Janet's.
- Thank God!
- What?
My toe's stopped... spasming.
- What happened to her date?
- Search me.
Well, I'll phone or I'll go round there.
Check she's OK,
take Gaz home for some attention.
I've been neglecting him a bit lately.
'Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?
(RINGS)
You handled that superbly.
- What are we gonna do?
- I'm going home.
- Why?
- Why?
My girlfriend turned up while I was shagging you.
What's going on?
- You're cleaning.
- Yes.
Tidy house, tidy mind. Dirty house, dirty girl.
Dirty, dirty Janet. Bad.
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ I just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪
I'm gonna be so bored after I graduate.
Maybe I'll take up a hobby.
Is fox-hunting difficult?
Get a job. That's the point of doing a degree.
I'm not getting a summer job.
I spent all last July licking envelopes.
- Temp jobs are like that.
- Who said it was a job? I was just bored.
Chocolate! Chocolate! All hail chocolate.
Just as good as Jonny. Especially
the King Size Snickers - they're ribbed.
You haven't been intimate with this KitKat?
I've tried. They just haven't got the girth.
Janet, Donna says I need a job.
You should start looking now.
But I can't. I'm so lazy.
Can't you do it for me?
It's not normal to be thinking
about Toblerones in this way.
I'm so very lonely.
I need something that suits my stature.
I'm a bastion of knowledge.
Look at me bastioning.
Ooh! Easy there, you big... basta.
You have to start somewhere. I still work
in the bucket factory 20 hours a week.
Yeah, but you're a skank, Donna.
Thanking you.
- What's up with you?
- I miss Jonny. I really miss him.
So why are you walking like that?
Because I tried to replicate him with
a Curly Wurly, but it's gone dreadfully wrong.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round
♪ Round and round, round and round
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round...
(GIGGLING)
- # Day...
- (GIGGLING)
♪ The slugs on the bus go... (SLURPS)
♪ The slugs on the bus go... (SLURPS)
(LAUGHTER)
God?
- Die, laughing boy!
- Gaz, no!
- What are you doing?
- This was my fault.
- What are you doing here?
- We're keeping warm.
- Keeping warm?
- Yeah. By shagging.
- We haven't got anywhere else to go.
- You can't go here!
Gaz, don't you remember
the first flush of romance?
The first spark of attraction?
Sometimes passion takes hold and won't let go.
You must remember that.
I remember all that experimental stuff
you do to impress each other - flowers and that.
We do all that.
- He fingered me.
- I did.
Here. Take my keys.
Use our flat. Donna won't be there.
She'll be in the library
or on the "South Bank Show".
- We won't.
- Jonny?
Are you free for a drink later?
Donna's not got much time for me with this essay.
Yeah. All right.
Jonny...
Nobody says, "He fingered me" any more.
She's so old-fashioned and conservative.
Me mum's gonna love her.
1,416... 1,417... 1,418.
Ooh! Are we playing hide and seek?
- No. It's my essay. I need 82 more words.
- The tutors don't count the words, Donna.
It says you can be penalised
if you go below the word count.
I would love to be penalised now.
I'll just have to stick some adjectives in.
Great idea. What's an adjective? Is it lubed?
Here you are, Louise. Jobs pages.
Put what you like. They only scan the essays.
So I could insert "brazil nuts" in random places
and they wouldn't notice?
- No.
- I'd notice if somebody inserted nuts!
I just wouldn't mind.
Janet, why don't you just phone Jonny
and get him back?
'Cause he's with that girl - the new Janet.
Kate. He's done well there.
Gaz says he's like a new man.
He's got a sort of pregnancy glow about him.
Personally, I think she's a bit up herself.
Yeah. She's all... "Mmnn Jonny."
Yeah. And all... "Mmnn Jonny-wonny."
- Yeah. I hate her.
- Me too.
Oh, youse guys!
I'd be more horrible, but I don't know her.
Why don't you look at the lonely hearts?
Because I'm not an ageing divorcee
with man issues.
Yes, you are, dear.
Anyway, my Auntie Nigel
found her husband through the lonely hearts.
Give us a look, then.
If we're considering it, someone else normal
must have thought of it too.
- Losers!
- Eh?
These lonely hearts.
If you're lonely, you call your mum.
- Some things a mother can't provide.
- Yeah. Sperm.
There must be some discreet women.
If you're looking for discreetness,
look no further than Tenalady Active.
- Why do you want a discreet woman?
- Just ignore me.
It's just that Donna's so busy
with this course and that...
- You can stop ignoring me now.
- Oh. Are you going to cheat on her?
No. I still want her... It's just I also have needs.
- Call your mum.
- Different kinds of needs.
Call my mum.
Your mum's malnourished.
It's not even like the sex is bad,
'cause that's still there.
- She sometimes reads over my shoulder.
- Oh?
That's OK. Means I can watch
"Top Of The Pops" over hers. We all win.
Doesn't she fancy you?
I don't know. It's something
I can't put me finger on.
Your elbow. You can't put your finger
on your same elbow. Like this. See?
No, no. I just need some...
- Cuddles.
- No.
Well, yeah. Actually... yeah.
I just need some cuddles, some affection.
You're right.
Come here.
Can you think of any phrases
that don't mean anything?
- What do you mean?
- Like "in conclusion" and "per se".
- Stuff that doesn't mean anything.
- "I promise I won't come in your mouth"?
What? That doesn't mean a thing.
- Anyone interesting in there?
- No. Well...
When they say "good sense of humour",
what does it mean?
I think I'm hilarious, but nobody laughs
at my Trevor McDonald impression.
"Hello. I'm Trevor McDonald
and here is some news."
- Ooh! This job is so me.
- Found a good one?
Yeah. I'll just have to lie a tiny bit on my CV,
but everybody does that.
It's just one extra qualification.
How's your coffee? Fair Trade.
The world gets richer with every sip.
Yeah. It's like drinking a lovely Colombian child.
Can I get you a cushion?
- I'm fully plumped.
- What about a back rub?
I'm surprisingly relaxed
after the three blow jobs. Thanks.
I'll sing. # Mull of Kintyre...
♪ Oh, mist rolling in from the sea
My desire... ♪
You can bake as well. God, you're perfect.
Janet works in a baker's
and she never so much as made me a scone.
If I was in love, I'd bake for my boyfriend.
I'd do everything for him.
Cooking, cleaning, random acts of masturbation.
Everything. It's the only way
to gain someone's respect.
Kate, you know...
- If you were in love with someone...
- Yes, Jonny?
How would they know?
The man that I fall for would have as deep
a love and knowledge of biscuits as I do.
- Biscuits?
- Custard creams, Hobnobs, digestives.
- Jaffa Cakes?
- Not a biscuit.
Exactly. You are precisely right.
What about Jammie Dodgers?
The old Jammie Ds?
- Perfection in confection.
- That's true, and it rhymes!
- And they're jammie-licious.
- I always knew that was a real word!
The test would be his view on KitKats.
Oh. The old "are they, aren't they" debate.
Confined to the chocolate emporium
or welcomed into the biscuit arena?
And?
It's a hotbed of a minefield of a conundrum
of a pickle of a riddle for me.
- But if I look into my heart...
- Yes?
What my soul desires
with its cup of tea mid-afternoon...
- Yes, Kate?
- Yes, Jonny. A KitKat is a biscuit.
Oh, thank God!
Kate, you're so special.
Janet used to keep them in the fridge
next to the Nutella! Can you imagine?
(RECORDING) Good afternoon.
You have reached Dial-A-Mate
for women seeking men.
You have reached box number 84Q.
To leave a message, press 1.
To complain about teenagers
setting you up for a laugh, press 2.
Hello. My name is Janet and I liked your ad.
You sounded nice and I am single.
Er... I have blonde hair, I'm young and slim.
That makes me sound really big-headed.
Sorry. I'm not that good.
If you want to meet,
I'll be in the Archer at seven tonight.
You'll know me because I'm just dirt, baby.
No, really. I'll do owt.
Oh, and ciao.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Where exactly have you had time to do
an economics degree, a zoology degree,
become a Mason and captain of my golf club?
I did it through the Open University.
- You're applying for the post of...
- Head of Finance at ICI.
These are all lies. It's completely fabricated.
We can get you on disability -
you're mad enough.
Fine. If you don't appreciate ingenuity
or charm or my manicure, then fine.
It's not up to me. Tell me honestly
what your qualifications are and I'll help you.
- Well, I do have a degree.
- Brilliant. What's the subject?
Sociology.
Right.
Have you ever considered a career in Pizza Hut?
Another pint, please, Norma.
I don't suppose you fancy...
Well... Can I just?
You're all nice and mumsy and...
Can I just lie on your breasts for half an hour?
Oh... Sorry, love. I'm looking for affection, not...
I don't even know what you are.
Whoo! You look great.
Hiya. Not with Jonny.
- No. He's with Kate.
- They're always together.
- Like me and Donna used to be.
- And me and Jonny.
Why are you dressed
like the biggest slut in the universe?
Thank you.
- I have a date with a man.
- Don't you think that's rushing things?
Don't you think Jonny's rushing things with Kate?
Kate the... great. No, that's wrong.
Kate the... mate. Think of something rubbish
that rhymes with Kate.
Kate...
Kate... the potate...
...o.
- Janet?
- Yeah.
- Why did you arrange to meet in here?
- What?
- This is where me and Jonny come.
- So what?
- You want him to see you, don't you?
- What do you mean?
I arranged to meet Box 84Q here
'cause it's near my house.
- Box 84Q?
- That's his name.
God, it's one of them personal ads. That's sad.
No, it's not. It's my way of getting over Jonny.
You still love him?
No.
Right. So you arranged to meet Box 84Q
in your ex-boyfriend's pub,
- wearing the most brilliant skirt ever.
- Thank you.
You should have worn underwear, though.
It's not nice.
Oh, it's smiling at me now.
What's your point, Gaz?
I'm moving on with life, dating other men.
I wasn't criticising.
I wish I'd thought of it with Donna.
Can you have a word with her?
She's not around... Stop drinking me pint!
Sorry. I'm just so nervous. Where is he?
- Who?
- Box 84Q.
He said he was blond, slim,
had a strong jawline and...
Oh, shit!
'Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?
(SCREAMING)
Yeah!
Have some of that.
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
And with my York Notes.
- Gaz said we could hang out here.
- Could you hang back in again, please?
I've got to do some bloody work.
God, Gaz! He's got no consideration.
What's the matter?
Have you got the meany-greenies in?
Possibly. If I knew what that meant!
I'm still 70 words short.
- On an essay?
- No. On an opera I'm composing.
Can you go somewhere else?
- What's it about?
- "The Bell Jar".
It sounds rude. So...
I could help. I did "The Bell Jar" at A level.
I don't think that'd be a good idea.
I don't think you and me...
- I mean, Janet wouldn't like it.
- I got an A.
Stay on the bed, mate. You, off!
You didn't even check the gender. Jesus!
"'Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?"
It's like an episode of "Bad Girls".
It's better than moping around
thinking about Jonny.
- You admit it, then?
- What?
- You still want Jonny.
- No. I just miss... stuff.
Stuff? As in S-E-X?
N-O-P-E.
What's a "nop-e"?
I don't miss the sex.
I do miss that a bit, obviously,
but there's things you can do for frustration.
Do tell.
What I do in the privacy of my bedroom
is between me and... a King Size Bounty.
Ooh!
- Oh, you eat it.
- Yes, I do.
Comfort eating.
Last night I ate a tub of Ben & Jerry's,
got into bed and had a good cry over nothing.
- You woman.
- I'm very sensitive. Things affect me.
You don't need to comfort-eat.
You've got Donna. There's someone in your bed.
When she finishes her reading.
We sleep together and that,
but it's just like... Noddy and Big Ears.
It's just perfunctory animal sex.
- I thought that'd suit you.
- I did too, but once the cuddles went...
- Cuddles? Cuggles.
- Men like them too, you know.
Ah, is wickle Gaz missing his cuggles?
Ah, come here, baba.
Come here.
See? This is what I miss.
- This is quite good.
- Yeah, it is, isn't it?
You actually smell a bit like Donna. Buckety.
Shh!
I should let go. Man, this should be weird.
Mm. But it's not. Weird.
Just do it for five minutes.
God, this is brilliant.
I know. Two women,
king-size bed and a can of beer.
It could only get better if there were Jammie Ds.
I'm up to my word count,
you've taken out that big flaw.
She's so clever. I'd like to stick a hoover
in her ear and suck those brains out.
That's so sweet.
- So, Donna, are you going out?
- Eh?
Only I fancied a bit and you're in the way.
We should all go out.
It'd be nice spending time with Gaz too.
- He's in the pub?
- Yeah.
But Janet's meeting her date there tonight.
- Date? She's dating?
- Yeah.
I don't care!
- What's up?
- Nothing. Nothing at all. I love you!
Ow!
I won't be needing this any more.
Shit.
- Indeed.
- I don't know what happened.
We had sex.
And you're Janet.
We didn't use the condom.
You're Janet.
- The condom!
- Yes. It's empty! It's empty!
Well, did you? You know...
(SQUELCHING)
- Buckets.
- Oh, shit!
- I know.
- I should have a bath.
(LOUISE) Hello, you two!
Shit.
My God, the day I've had!
Louise.
Janet, can you at least put the kettle on?
Jesus. Look at this mess.
- I should go.
- No. Stay.
You will not believe this.
My degree - my three years - has been for...
Euegh!
What's that condom doing there?
I'm celebrating my singledom.
- By inflating condoms?
- It's symbolic.
I'm blowing up johnnies
so that Jonny will... blow away.
- That's nice.
- I'm gonna call Donna.
No. Listen. This bloody man at the job centre
was like, "You're really suited..."
Why have you got no clothes on?
Um... I had a bath.
Why?
I... disgraced meself.
Oh, God. Sit further away.
Anyway, with all my qualifications,
they could only offer me a career in...
- Why are you wearing Gaz's T-shirt?
- Er...
Because um...
Louise... Oh, God.
- Don't tell anyone. Don't tell Jonny.
- Or Donna.
What?
We slept together. We didn't mean to.
It just started off as...
You two?
Yeah, right! Give me credit for some credit.
- You two?
- We just did it then on the couch.
Stop it, you're killing me.
Oh, God.
Thank you. I needed a laugh
after the day I had.
- I suppose you just really fancied Janet?
- Yeah, I did, actually.
- And I bet he was strong and masterful.
- Yeah.
I bet you were like feral beasts
in the night, all bitey and rampant.
- Yeah, we were.
- Aah.
And you set up this just to make me laugh.
You're such a good friend, Janet.
Well, joke over.
I'd better go. Got these forms to fill in.
I suppose you need to get back to being filthy.
Yeah.
OK, love birds. Toodle-oo.
Have fun with your wild sex! Miaow!
Oh, Gaz. Do me next time, eh?
You big stud muffin.
I don't know where Janet is.
- Maybe she took her date home.
- No!
Sorry. My toe spasmed.
Ah, brilliant. You're here.
Donna, get me a Malibu and Malibu.
- Have you seen Gaz?
- Yeah. He's at Janet's.
- Thank God!
- What?
My toe's stopped... spasming.
- What happened to her date?
- Search me.
Well, I'll phone or I'll go round there.
Check she's OK,
take Gaz home for some attention.
I've been neglecting him a bit lately.
'Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?
(RINGS)
You handled that superbly.
- What are we gonna do?
- I'm going home.
- Why?
- Why?
My girlfriend turned up while I was shagging you.
What's going on?
- You're cleaning.
- Yes.
Tidy house, tidy mind. Dirty house, dirty girl.
Dirty, dirty Janet. Bad.