Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 3 - My Delicious Guava - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪

What are you doing?

Jonny would only eat things in pie form,
so I've decided to be healthy.

- My delicious guava.
- What's it taste like?

Expensive.

I've named them.
That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell



and that's Jonny.

Help me with this. I've got to write
a paragraph about myself for my first class.

- What you got so far?
- The date.

Can't you come to college with me?
It'll stop you being lonely.

I am not lonely. I'm perfectly happy
at home with my delicious guava.

Alan Rickman.

- You might meet the man of your dreams.
- No man could compete with this.

Used properly, it gives the undercarriage
a distinct salady aftertaste.

- You haven't?
- I'm disgusting.

- Don, do you know where can I buy toys?
- "Toys"?

You know, adult do-it-yourself toys

with batteries and different heads
and prongs. Maybe not prongs.

- You're not that desperate, are you?
- No. Of course not.

So are you going to help me, then?



Do you know how I get this to vibrate?

- Munch, what are you doing?
- I'm having me tea.

I took it off a greyhound.

What's wrong? You've been out to the toilet
like George Michael on a promise.

- You've been five times in 11 minutes.
- So?

You'll end up in the "Guinness Book Of Records".
We'll call you Norris McSquirter!

It's Kate. Every time she looks at me,
me bladder wants to burst.

That'll be your hormones.
They give you first-date nerves.

You'll have to wear
a special HRT patch like this.

- Where did you get that?
- I found it on me mum's arse.

Right. I'm perfectly calm... and look... breasts.

- Go and play somewhere else.
- No. That's me bone.

Still on for tomorrow night? You are coming?
The start of my brilliant career.

Yeah. It's just tonight I'm worried about.

How am I gonna get through this date?
Every time I look at her, I wanna wee.

Calm down. You can't show any weakness
with women and wee-wee's a no-no.

The woman doesn't breathe unless I say so.

- So she's not doing this course?
- Over my dead body.

She starts tonight.

Aren't you worried
that she'll meet loads of men?

- What if she gets bored and slaps you off?
- She's never bored when she slaps me off.

(HE HUMS)

- What are you doing?
- I must stay calm.

Calm like a... shrub.

- No weakness.
- Seven o'clock at the castle. I can't wait.

Ah!

I wonder if I could make my fanny sneeze.

Hi.

Hi. Welcome to my new life as a single woman.

- You really are up there, Janet.
- Thanks, Louise.

Yup. Right up on that top shelf gathering dust.

- Eh?
- Yup.

You'll have to get used to people looking
at you in the street like this - "Aah".

- What am I gonna do?
- Don't worry. I'll save you.

- How?
- I'm moving in!

This is my house. I say who I live with.

You have to let me stay.
My parents chucked me out.

- Why?
- They've never liked me.

Come on, Janet. I'll die if I've got nowhere
to hang my DKNY P-A-N-Ts.

Well... I suppose. It might be like Brownies.

All girls together - singing, trying to stop
Brown Owl watching you in the showers.

I knew you wouldn't mind.

You brought a toilet bag! It's a bit cheeky.

I didn't, actually. I brought five suitcases,
a trunk and my hat box.

You can bring them in now.

This smells a bit odd.

Yeah. It's organic.

Mmm. Scrummy.

Oh, yeah. Mmm. Donna, what shall I wear
for my big night tomorrow?

I'm trying to finish my personal introduction.

I've got a fella down here wants to give you
his personal introduction.

No! Listen to this. "Since applying
for this course, I've often thought..."

- Thought what?
- That's it. Come on, help me!

It's obvious what you should write about. Me.

I can't just put you're a boring, crappy mechanic.

Oi! I've got an important job.

Gaz, fixing cars is hardly poetry.

When was the last time you saw someone
drive to work in a reconditioned poem?

Let's just forget it and let Mr Squirty Pen
write his name in your love tunnel.

Go on.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hi, Kate. Yeah.

No. I've just got here. Yeah. I'm by the castle.

OK. All right. Bye. Bye.

Shit!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

- Ah...
- Hi, gorgeous.

- What are you doing?
- The washing-up.

These plates are disgusting.

Are these Jonny's leftovers?
Urgh! I could die from Jon-E. coli.

- Have you seen my ciggies?
- Yes. I threw them out.

I couldn't stand the reek.
God knows how Jonny put up with you.

I've also thrown out some of your clothes -
only the offensive ones.

Sadly, there wasn't much left.

That's it. You have to go.
Pack your things now and leave.

Go? Where to?

I've told my dad I've found a fabulous place
to live with a great friend.

He'll laugh if he finds out
I've been here with you.

- It's not my problem.
- Aagh!

Janet, there's a huge hairy spider on the hat box.

- It's not going to work.
- I'm scared. It's as big as a potato.

You'll have to speak to your parents...
Oh, my God! It's humongous!

- Janet, fetch.
- Sod off!

It's hairy and probably poisonous,
and in search of human flesh.

I'm a lot tastier than you are.

- Get it out!
- Shh! OK. Let's be calm.

I can deal with this.
I'm a grown-up, independent...

I'll phone Jonny.

- I'm really sorry about your shoes.
- No worries. It actually smells quite nice.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello?

Janet?

How big? Where is it now?

I can't. Because nothing
should have that many limbs.

Anything over four legs and I faint.

I've got to go. I'm on a date.

- Is there a problem?
- No. My ex - Janet. She's got a spider.

I'm frightened of spiders. It's a girl thing.

I bet a spider wouldn't bother
a man like you, though.

Course not. I'd grab it and kick its furry ass.

Let's go. You can catch it and I'll meet
the woman who was silly enough to let you go.

- Now?
- Why not?

I love men who can handle animals.
Rolf Harris turns my spine to jelly.

OK. Since Janet kicked me out,
there's nothing I can't handle.

I've even got used to sleeping
with the wind in my face.

You're sleeping rough? How brave.

No. I'm staying at my dad's.
He needs a new roof.

I would sleep outside if I could.
Just me and nature in the raw.

I could build a shack with my bare hands.

Grow a manly beard, hunt a few animals...
Whoa! Aaagh!

Jonny!

(MAKES CAR NOISES)

It's gonna cost you, mate.

- Hiya! God, Gaz, it was brilliant.
- Did I ask?

Everyone was friendly
and one girl said I had nice hair.

Lesbian.

No, she was just nice.
We've got our reading list.

We are starting with
"Sir Gawain And The Green Knight".

If you want to read, start with my new tattoos.

Gaz, try using all your brain cells at once
instead of lining them up in single file.

- Don't get smarty-arse. I read.
- What was the last thing you read?

- "Now wash your hands."
- No. I mean the last novel.

"Wuthering Heights". I couldn't put it down.

Really?

That's really great. What was it like?

It was er...

(HALF-SINGS)
Out on the wild and windy moor...

we danced and had some Brie.

You had a temper, like my jealousy.

Too hot. Too cheesy.

For God's sakes.

I don't want to read stupid stories.
You don't like doing the things I like.

It's physically impossible for me
to urinate up a wall.

Not with my patented strap-on funnel, it isn't.

Nobody wants your inventions.
The edible lifeboat proved that.

Let's think about tomorrow night.
Get there early to protect me from the fans.

I told the people from my course
I'd go and see a play with them.

I see. You'd rather be out with your
arty-farty mates. I'm not arty enough.

- Where does that leave me?
- Farty?

- You could come as well.
- A play? Ooh! No...

I think I'd rather drink a gallon of old man's spit...

in a shit-covered glass with pubes on the rim.

Pub still not fixed the dishwasher, then?

- There. A little kiss will make it better.
- Oh!

Where did you learn to do such neat bandages?

- Girl Guides.
- Have you still got the uniform?

I have, but it might be a bit tight now.

Oh, great. I've always wanted to wear one.
I could be Brown Owl and you could be...

I'll be anything you want me to be.

Squirrel Nutkin. I could stay here
and you could go foraging for nuts and lager.

- Ooh!
- Does it hurt badly?

- No.
- Good. We can still go to Janet's.

- Yeah. Ooh.
- Shall I give you a piggy back?

Kate, that would be very undignified
and rather silly.

Bend over, then, so I can get on.

To Janet's house.
Here I come, you hairy-legged freak.

Doesn't Janet wax?

Whoo-hoo! Yee-ha!

Where is it?

It's under the table. It's looking at me!

- No, it isn't.
- This is all your fault.

I was happy alone with my delicious guava
till you turned up with your spider.

- I didn't bring it.
- Yes, you did! In your stupid hat box.

Me and Jonny never had a spider problem
'cause Jonny didn't have a hat box of bears!

Don't you throw John Merrick at me!

You've been so tetchy since you got dumped.

I did not get dumped!
I just can't believe he's on a date already.

He's probably in our park.

He pushed me on the swings
and kissed me on the teapot lid.

Aah, Janet.

Jonny? Oh, thank God.
What's happened to your foot?

Janet, this is Kate.

Janet.

Thank you so much
for letting this man come into my life.

Where's little incy wincy, then?

You'll need a glass and some paper, Jonny...
Jonny?

Oh, paper. Yes. I was just thinking
about building my manly shack.

Roar!

I hope you're not upset about losing Jonny.
I'd be gutted.

I hope we can be friends... or even sisters.

Yes. Yes. We're all adults. There's no need
to be childish about the situation.

Would you like some cucumber?

Stand back and watch a master hunter
at work. What do I do?

Put the glass on top and the paper underneath.

I've got it! I've tamed the beast.

- Yay!
- Oh, isn't he wonderful? And he's all mine.

Look how big it is. Oh...

(BOTH) Jonny!

Kate is amazing.

She has medical knowledge, she knows football.

She can even spell "Ugo Ehiogu".

Listen. Tonight, shall I go for sophistication...

or full throttle?

Hey! Hey!

All I can think about is Kate.
Kate and Jonny. Jonny and Kate.

Don't think about Janet. Janet and Kate... Whoa!

Tonight, though...

She wants to do anything I want to do.

If I want a kebab, she wants a kebab.
If I want a pint, she wants a pint.

If I want a fantasy about Shetland ponies...
it's none of her business.

Look! It's my big night tonight
and Donna's not gonna be there!

She's out with her fancy mates at a play.

Gaz, that's awful. You've got mates
that'll always be there for you.

- Thanks, Jonny.
- I wouldn't miss your night for anything.

Jonny, I have just had the filthiest idea.

Except for this. I'm sorry, Gaz...

This is just too... We're gonna...

Wait! Kate, hold on.

No. You can't join in.

- What's all this?
- Surprise!

- We're having a slumber party.
- Why?

That's what single girls do. Who needs men?

Sit down and tell me about your day.

- And I'll ignore you.
- Where's my delicious guava?

Oh... he left you.

Let's talk about how nice I am for doing all this.

- No. I want to talk about Jonny.
- OK.

Doesn't Jonny look happy with his new girlfriend?

No. He was happy with me one time.

Chocolate?

Jonny used to coat my armpits
in chocolate spread.

And put marshmallows between my toes
and nibble at them like a horny rabbit.

Eueugh!

Though if I did food sex again,
it wouldn't be on the number 36 from Chester.

- I wanted to talk about girly stuff.
- Jonny loved girly stuff.

All lace and gingham. He looked so pretty.

- This one time...
- Stop it, Janet.

We stayed in bed for a week
existing on Cup-a-Soup.

We got terrible bed sores.
I've kept one of Jonny's. Do you want to see it?

- I'll come back for the hat box.
- Louise, wait.

I haven't told you the dirtiest thing
that Jonny loved.

It was me.

- Check me out. I'm a student.
- You don't look any different.

On the inside, I'm different.
I had curry for breakfast and cornflakes for tea.

Thus turning the world on its head.

I'm glad you've come round, Don.
I really miss Jonny.

Come here.

I've got something that'll cheer you up.

"Sir Gawain And The Green Knight".
It's written in Old English.

- Someone wrote a book in cider?
- No. Olde-worlde Englishe. Listen to this.

"He hade the smelle of the smech
and smolles theder sone.

"Falles on the foule flesch
and fyller his wombe."

Have you been on the drink, Don?

"And sone yederle
for yete yisterday steven.

"How the cheve tayne
he charged that the kyst yemed."

- You sound like a twat.
- Yes.

I don't understand a word of it.

Janet, I'm never gonna pass this course.
I'm gonna fail.

- Munch?
- Yeah?

Although your polluted gene pool is a worry,

you are still my half-brother.

Half-brother, half-sister.

Whatever.

- Can I talk to you?
- What's wrong?

It's just Donna.
She's gone all funny on me, all highbrow.

Poor Donna's just an eyebrow?

No, no. She's just started reading books.

There's nothing wrong with being a late reader.
I'm still on Key Stage One.

Floppy the Dog, Flip, Chip and Kipper,
the "Sunday Sport".

It's Friday - my big night -
and Donna and Jonny have dumped me.

Friday! It's my favourite day.
I always get a McDonald's on a Friday.

Tonight, I'll have a Chicken McFlurry.

Will you come and support me?

You can sit in Jonny's seat
if you wipe it afterwards.

Sorry, Gaz. I'm busy with my breasts tonight.

I'm trying nipple tassels.

- This is what it's supposed to be like.
- Yup.

Single girl getting drunk with her mate.

And sod Sir bloody Gawain.

When they said it was Middle English,
I thought it'd be a in Brummie accent.

- Maybe it is.
- Anyway, it'll all be fine.

I've got my mate, I've got my mug of wine
and I have my choice of a thousand bears.

I said to Gaz I'd try. He might tease me,
but I know he's proud deep down.

I'm really pleased you came round.

I've even stopped thinking
about Jonny and his tart.

I saw them before. She seems nice.

Did you? They weren't... doing it, were they?

- No. They were shopping.
- Oh.

She's little doctor domesticated?
That'll teach him.

They were buying chocolate spread
and marshmallows.

- Oh, my God!
- I'll get emergency Lambrini.

Oh, my God... Oh, wait. I have man troubles.

I've never had man troubles.
I'm so "Sex And The City".

- Right.
- Gaz.

It's my big night and everyone's deserted me,
so will you please come to the pub?

Sorry, Gaz. I forgot all about it.
Why don't you ask Donna?

She's off watching a play!
She thinks she's so cool 'cause she reads books.

I read books!
I've always got my nose in "AutoTrader".

- She'll fail this course.
- Gaz...

She went to the same school as Nicola
from Girls Aloud, which makes her thick.

She's only doing this to make herself look big.
How stupid and self-important...

- She's in the kitchen, isn't she?
- Yes.

For that schewe the schalee thou schyre
howses as the beryl bornyst,

so boge ye offe thou dickest of heades!

Janet, I've got a play to see.

She wants to lay off this. It's lethal.

♪ You and your pussycat...

♪ Nose ♪

I'd like to thank everyone for coming.

And this one's for Donna.

♪ I saw the light on
the night that I passed by her window

♪ I saw the flickering shadows of love
on her blind

♪ She was my woman

♪ As she deceived me,
I watched and went out of my mind

♪ My, my, my Delilah... ♪

- I miss Jonny. I really miss him.
- So why are you walking like that?

I tried to replicate him with a Curly Wurly,
but it's gone wrong.

- Why don't you just get him back?
- 'Cause he's with that girl.

- Oh! Oh!
- My God! What are you doing here?

Why are you dressed up
like the biggest slut in the universe?

I have a date with a man.

♪ At break of day when that man
drove away, I was waiting... ♪