Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 2 - Piggy Goes Oink - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪

God. You're just everywhere.

Why did you leave?

(SQUEAKING)

Everything reminds me of you.

Everything.



Janet? You came back. Thank God.
The washing-up really needs doing.

- No. Just wait...
- You brought your dad with you.

- How strange and unromantic.
- I need you to leave, Jonny.

- What?
- I'm sorry to do this to you, son...

OK. I'm not sorry.
I'm more elated and, basically, cheerful.

- Dad! You said you'd be nice.
- I'm sorry, love.

- Jonny, get out.
- Dad!

Mate. Jonny, get out, mate.

- That's better.
- Why, what's going on?

Jonny, I'm sorry.
This isn't our house. It's my gran's.

Yeah, but she's in that home
since she started setting youngsters alight.

- That's why we could live here.
- I know. "We", not you.

But I've really looked after it.
Look at it. It's a palace.

I have to live here on my own now.
You have to move out.



- But that'd mean...
- What?

- I'd be homeless.
- I'm so sorry... mate.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

- You've wee'd on your pants.
- Oh, God!

Not again.

Why does urine follow gravity and drip down?
Why can't it have helium in it?

It'd make some fetching balloon animals.

What are you reading?

It's called "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway."

What's it about?

- The title kind of explains it.
- What? Cookery?

- No. It's a self-help book.
- What does it say to do?

If you're scared of things,
go ahead and do them.

Oh, I see.

Donna...

Did I ever tell you
how frightened I was of anal sex?

With all the wholegrains you eat,
you could blind me.

It's good. Makes me want
to try everything I've been scared of.

That's just stupid.
I'm scared of being bitten by a shark.

- In Runcorn?
- Maybe not sharks, but a wily terrapin.

I'm scared of jumping off things that are big.

You jumped off that fat bloke
you sat on in the Archer.

That was different. He wanted me.

You have to be scared of some things
because they're dangerous.

Like sharks and fat blokes.

- And sheep.
- Where?

It says that you don't have to do
the dangerous stuff.

It teaches you how to say no,

which is why I said no to eating that thing
you found in your foreskin.

Fear is based on fear of failure -
like me being scared to get an education.

- But you will fail.
- Why? Don't you think I'm smart enough?

All right. Watch. Two plus two?

- Four.
- That was a bit easy.

All right. Five times six.

- 30.
- How d'you do that?

Gaz, I want to do this. Your attitude isn't helpful.

But don't you see? You're me girlfriend.
If I fail, you fail.

- Where'd you get that from anyway?
- I found it.

We don't have books like that in the flat.
We have "Feel The Rear And Do It Anyway".

OK. David gave it to me.

- Him again?
- Yes. He's going to help me, Gaz.

- I don't want you seeing him. He's trouble.
- He is not.

Any man who owns a hairdryer is trouble.

How do you know he does?

You don't get a wave without help
from the L'Oréal 3000 Combilator.

I want you to stay away from him.

He's gonna help me get an education
and get a better job,

then I'll earn more money and have a better life.

"I, I, I - I'll do this. I'll do that."
Where's the "we", Donna?

It's still on the front of your pants.

- Where is it, David?
- What?

- The cleaning lady took my stash.
- I am not looking for your stash.

The cleaning lady took my virginity.

Read this.

It's too horrible. Too, too horrible.

It says you have to give a library book back
or you can't graduate. So give it back.

I can't. You've got it. Just because
I dumped you, you've hidden my library book.

Just like Stalin would have done.

Yes, Louise. That's what I do
when a girlfriend dumps me.

I hide her copy of... "Piggy Goes Oink".

I wouldn't put it past you.

Why did you get "Piggy Goes Oink"
out of the library?

It was in the crèche.
I go there sometimes to argue with the kids.

I always win.

I haven't got it. I don't think
you brought it here when we were together.

Well, maybe not, but I do know that this is mine.

Hey! I'm watching "Kilroy".

And don't think you're keeping these.

Jonny, you can go to your mum's.

Janet, my mum won't have me back.
She's got her pets to look after.

- My old room's a turtle-tarium.
- Couldn't you try asking her?

No. 'Cause I don't want her saying,
"I told you she wasn't right, that one."

Since when has your mum
been Bernard Manning?

Look. Just let me stay here.

When I told my mum and dad we'd split up,
they said you had to move out.

- I could stay here secretly.
- How?

Behind the couch.
I could create a den under the table.

Or I could lurk beneath the valance.
I'm an excellent lurker.

Why are you making this so difficult?

I am sorry. Is my homelessness offending you?

Note to self -
never be homeless in front of Janet.

- Oops! I appear to have done it again!
- Gaz will take you in.

Me, Gaz and Donna all in the same room.
Donna would adore it!

- She'd be OK with it.
- Of course.

"Excuse me, Donna, could I just reach
over your vulva for my biscuits?"

Why on earth would she have her vulva out?

Gaz says she does all the time.

You're going to have to go somewhere.

Hold on. You can't throw me out.

I have to. I'm really sorry.

No. I'm saying, physically, I'm bigger than you.

You can't throw me out, ickle lady.

I'm gonna sit down.

Please just go. My dad will kill me.

No way. I've got rights.
I'm your common-law wife.

I'll have sex with you one last time.

What kind of whore do you think I am?

- I'm sorry.
- No. I'm asking what you're offering.

Noises, costumes, elasticity?

I would dress as Jemima Puddleduck.

No. Mrs Tiggywinkle and you'll have a customer.

God! Jonny, what can I do to get you to leave?

Janet, listen, there is nothing -

absolutely nothing -
you could do to get rid of me. OK?

Aergh! Aergh!

Well? Aren't you going to help me?
I'm in a predicament.

Louise, I would, but me and Jonny need to...

Jonny?

You have a very special talent.

I know. But I can't talk about my unicycling now.

I need your help.

How was that book I gave you?

- The "Feel The Fear" one?
- Yeah. Great, isn't it?

Yeah, it was good, like.

By the end I was so excited
that I had to make myself an omelette

and by then I'd forgotten all my mantras.

Curse my Swiss cheese brain.

Write them down,
stick them on your bathroom mirror.

I tried that. Like "Be happy for yourself",
"Forgive your parents",

"Get enough sleep", "Eat your greens".

Scared Gaz -
he thought God was leaving him notes.

Why don't you try "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff"?

I don't sweat the small stuff.
I sweat the big stuff - cobs.

- No. Everything is small stuff.
- Except the big stuff?

- No. Even that is small.
- What about really big stuff?

- Give me an example.
- War.

There's nothing you can do about it, so it's small.

- Not if you're the prime minister.
- Yeah. Maybe.

So it should be "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Unless You're The Prime Minister".

- You don't get this, do you?
- No, I don't. I have big problems.

You're a student now.
You don't have to worry about anything.

Try...

"Who Moved My Cheese?"
It has a picture of some cheese.

Oh, really? Is it scratch and sniff,
'cause I love the smell of Cheddar?

What in Jesus's name is a mantra?

Half man, half tra.

Have you found your personal goddess?

You insensitive bastard.

Janet's thrown me out. Gaz, can I crash at yours?

Oh, hold on...

No.

- What?
- I've been practising saying no.

Anyway, you can't stay at ours
what with Donna having her vulva out.

What am I gonna do?
I've got no girlfriend, no job and no home.

Listen. You're worried because you're scared.

Too bloody right I'm scared!

I'll end up sleeping in a graveyard
with a can of Tennants clutched to my breast.

That's the spirit.

I'm getting a pint.

- Hiya! I've got a rabbit.
- Why are you here? Get back to work.

- I would, but I'm off on the sick now.
- There's nothing wrong with you.

I know that, but I think I can fool my boss
into thinking there is.

I'm your boss.

- Stop it! Oi!
- What are you reading?

It's just one of Donna's.
I'm trying to understand her.

Why do you wanna do that?
Can't you just look at her?

She likes that. She's got big Bambi eyes.

No, see, if this lad David
understands her, then...

Why can't you just do what you're good at?
That's what she liked in the first place.

Yeah, she did. I know you're right,
but she's changing.

I don't like change.
When "Crossroads" finished, I cried.

The music - so sad.

(HUMS "CROSSROADS" THEME)

You should have been at work
when "Crossroads" was on.

Wake up.

I can't think of anything
that I'm particularly good at doing.

Except the obvious. Eh, eh?

- Cars.
- Yeah, cars.

- No. You can drink good as well.
- That's true. I can drink. I bet he can't.

No one can do anything as good as you.

Except Benny from "Crossroads".
He can eat hay.

And that would impress Donna
and make him look like a complete...

- Name something Australian and stupid.
- Beans.

- I think we've got a plan.
- No.

- What?
- No. No. No. No. It's a good book, this.

No.

It wouldn't have hurt to let me stay a week.

- Women can be so cruel.
- You can. You're all bastards.

- Come on. Not all of us.
- Prove it.

Freebie.

- What was your name again?
- Kate.

From now on, you shall be known
as the peanut smuggler.

If I can't graduate, it's like
the order of the world is completely wrong.

How?

Because I won't be anyone's boss,
I won't get a Fiat Punto.

Do you think I'm making a mistake?

Oh, for God's sake.
Relationships end, blah di blah.

You should go through all this stuff
and throw out anything that reminds you of him.

Everything reminds me of him.

The carpet -
that's where he walked with his feet.

The curtain - that's where he hid
when he was sad.

And that cushion - you don't want to know.

Eueugh!

Oh. Such good times on the cushion of dirt.

I'll start in the kitchen. There won't be
anything to do with your sex life in there.

Yeah! Don't touch the beetroot.

The beetroot of dirt.

Oh... Who moved my cheese?

No... Where's my cheese gone? Oh, it's there.

That's not working. OK, Donna. Feel the fear.

Aagh!

No. That's not working either.

"Piggy Goes Oink".

Cor blimey!

You should throw these away -
the sell-by's gone.

No. They're Jonny's. They're sentimental.

But they're older than me. I thought Jonny
liked biscuits. Why hasn't he eaten them?

They're antique. God! This is too hard!

Maybe we should plan some nights out.
Just the girls - young, free, single girls.

- We could go clubbing.
- I don't like clubs.

They're really noisy and you can't talk.

Or play Guess Who. Jonny loved Guess Who.
He fancied the one in the hat.

Reginald.

What do you want to do, then?

We could watch property shows,
eat Sugar Puffs from the packet

and then you could have wild sex with me
even though I've been eating pickled eggs.

Janet! You have got to read this.
I know you've been feeling down lately.

Oh! My book! Where did you get this?

Oh, let me guess.

- David gave it to me.
- I said let me guess! Oh!

- I like guessing.
- What's it about?

It's a cartoon book for adults.
It works on loads of levels.

It's like a metaphor
for how you should live your life. It's beautiful.

No, it's not.
It's about a piggy and he goes "Oink!"

- Maybe you misunderstood it, Louise.
- You read it.

Cor blimey.

Did you get the bit about the applecart?

That was just stunning. So deep.

This has made me realise so much.

Cowy McPloughy was wrong.
He should have stayed at home with Mrs Piggy.

And all we need in this life
is what we know... and some swill.

I know.

It's a piggy. He goes, "Oink!" Jesus!

- Can I hug you?
- No. There's something I need to do.

- I need to find Jonny.
- He'll be at the pub.

I'm going straight round.

I have made a terrible mistake.
I must have been... What's the phrase?

"Piggery pokery piggledy pea,
where is the piggy, can anyone see?"

Can I walk you home, talk to you forever
and eat your Sugar Puffs?

- I live pretty far away.
- You live pretty at any distance.

- It's a bit of a trek.
- Nowhere would be too far.

- I'd follow you to Jerusalem... or Widnes.
- It's three miles.

The taxis round here are brilliant.

- Well, hello.
- Well, hello.

Well, hello.

Why did you ask me here?

- Isn't it obvious?
- Isn't it obvious?

You like me and you want to be my friend?

- I want you out of Donna's life.
- You can't tell me what to do.

He can do anything. He's Mr Wilkinson.

He makes milometers go backwards
with a drill. Time travel.

I've got a proposition for you,
Davey, my boy.

- I'm listening.
- I'll buy your beer all night.

Right.

If you can out-drink me,
you can be mates with Donna.

OK. And if you can out-drink me,
I'll stay away.

Chaser for that one, sir?

I can't see why not, my good fellow.

Capital.

I'm on Vimto.

I'm gonna be bladdered.

Vimto isn't alcoholic.

Shows what Australians know about wine.

Donna? Yeah, it's me.
Meet us in the Archer at eight.

I just want to show you
how clever your little friend David is. Hee hee.

No, no. No. I said, "Hee hee."

OK. You too. Bye.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

So... Are you cold?

I'm fine.

That was a way of asking
if I could put my arm around you.

I'm freezing.

- This is weird.
- What?

- New shoulders.
- They've always been there.

It's just for years,
my arm's only been around Janet.

And Gaz in there and a cardboard cut-out
of Shrek I stole from Blockbusters.

- Getting a bit colder, I think.
- Oh.

No. I mean my face is getting really chilly.

Oh.

My lips are practically Baltic.

Oh.

Here you go.

Donna! Love. Matey.

Look at him. See how clever he is now?

Eh? He's just a big bag
of teeth and drink and that.

- What's going on?
- He forgot I'm Australian.

He made a bet that he could out-drink me.
Look at the state of him.

You forgot I'm an Australian.

You can't see her ever again.
She's mine and I get to keep her for keeps.

- What did you do to him?
- He did it to himself.

I can't help it if he drinks like a Muslim.

Look, Donna. I think you can learn
a powerful lesson from this.

Gaz is selfish and, ultimately, a bit of a pig.

- Shall we go?
- I love you. Come.

Come.

I won you with my beer.

Kisses. Kisses.

Go on, give us a snog, pretty Donna.

David, you're right. He is a pig.
He's the best type of pig of all.

He's... "Piggedy pokety, piggedy boo.

"Piggy knows who he loves and he loves you."

Aah.

Munch, is that Vimto?

It's big and it's clever and it's purple -
like the prime minister.

Can't you see what's going on here?
Look at him.

Yes. I can see that you didn't want to help me,
you just wanted to shag me.

Well, duh!

I'd rather shag someone who's honest,
who wasn't trying to educate me in the process.

You're worse than the PE staff
at my old school. Come on, Gaz.

- I still can't see what I did wrong.
- That's because you're so drunk.

Stick to Vimto, kid.

It's a really mellow high.

Check me out. I'm a student.

You've got arty-farty mates
and I'm not arty enough.

- Where does that leave me?
- Farty?

- Where did you learn to do bandages?
- Girl Guides.

- Have you still got the uniform?
- I have, but it might be a bit tight now.

- He did not dump me, I dumped him.
- Don't worry. I'll save you.

- How?
- I'm moving in!