Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 4, Episode 1 - Corinthian Dies - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ I just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakeys! ♪

Slag!

- You big plastic bastard!
- Gaz, you don't know anything yet.

I've just seen Donna with an Australian!
An Antipodean!

It's proof! That she's a liar,
that she's gone behind me back,

that I didn't teach her
the bendy lady hairy butterfly trick!



- What's an Antipodean?
- Slag!

Don't take it out on the foliage!

You're all cheaters!
You, Donna, Major Charles Ingram - all of you!

God, Janet, it's a crisis. I hope you've
stocked up on comfort food and alcohol.

- No, Jonny...
- We have a code red.

You get some sherry and special biscuits -
with cheerful faces on them.

- Jonny...
- I need you to be there for us.

As a provider of sugary beverages.
Run to the shops, Janet.

- I've left a note. It explains everything.
- And don't buy anything Australian.

Unless it has a cheerful face.

(HORN)

- Where to, love?
- Anywhere.

- Anywhere but here.
- Christ. I'm sick of people saying that.

You're not in a friggin' war film.
Just give me an address.



Sorry. Is Nesbitt Avenue all right?

Feels weird being here again.

- The last time you were sat on that bed...
- Don't, David.

- What? I had a different duvet cover.
- Oh. OK.

And you were writhing around on it
like an octopus with a spear up its arse.

- Me? What about you?
- I don't writhe. I glide.

Like a swan.

A swan isn't what I was thinking.
More duck or turtle - you have strong jaws.

What? I have exquisite sexual etiquette.

Exactly. All that "After you. No, I insist -
you first. Please, it's yours, take it."

So polite. I thought you were
going to start pulling my seat out for me.

- In a way, I think I did.
- It was fun, though, wasn't it?

Yeah. Well, you had your moments.

- Never again, though.
- No. Unless it was the end of the world.

Or we were trapped
in a submarine or a hot air balloon.

- Or if we were both single.
- Yeah.

I think I've let David suffer long enough.
He must be absolutely devastated.

- Louise...
- People can't live without me.

I'm like air to them - air with drugs in
like they gave me when I was born.

Shall I phone him tonight?

Did you hear me? I've just left Jonny.

Are you still going on about that?
Other people have problems too.

I just got so scared.
Everything got too fast, so I just ran.

Oh. Right. I see.

So shall I phone David now or later?

I don't care. Can I stay here tonight?
I don't think I could be on my own.

Oh, poor Janet. Whenever I feel lonely,
I make up people in my head.

Hi, Tanya.

I left him a note. I just couldn't say goodbye.
It was too hard and too upsetting.

That's so insensitive.
You really are absolutely disgusting, aren't you?

I just said my reasons for leaving.
It was really deep. I didn't use any swear words.

Except for bollocks.

- Why bollocks?
- That was one of my reasons for leaving.

- They were becoming aware.
- And what were the others?

Just that I didn't think I loved him any more

and that I thought
our relationship had run its course,

and that I was too young,

and instructions for heating up the pasties
for tea - so he didn't get a poorly tum-tum.

Good God, Janet, a note!
I wouldn't leave a dog a note.

- Dogs can't read.
- Excuse me. Muttley and Gnasher.

And Scrappy Dappy Doo -
though he was hardly eloquent.

- Do you think I should go round there?
- Not yet.

You think I should let him think about it?
Let it all sink in.

No. I want you to pick out some lovely
new nail polish for me to wear for David.

Now, which colour says forgiveness?

"Dear Jonny..."

Blah di blah di blah.
Girly girly blah di blah...

Blah di... Pasties. Lovely.

Jonny, there's pasties in the fridge.

- You think they'd help?
- I think so.

- Chilli beef or cheese and ham?
- I don't mind.

Can't eat these. The smell reminds me of Donna.

Does she smell of pasties?

You really did have the perfect woman.

No, I didn't. I had a cheat! How could she?

When you're such a little smasher.
You're too good for her.

I beg your pardon?

Sorry. Janet does this with her mates.
Reassures them.

- Does it work?
- Yeah, it seems to.

They end up laughing about penises
by 11 o'clock.

- They are hilarious.
- Especially when they're proud.

Go on. I'll try owt to stop this weird feeling.

It's like I'm gonna vomit out my soul.

You're really quite poetic.

What does Janet say to her mates, then?

Oh, um... All right.

She was never any good for you, babes.

You're right... babes.

- And you don't need men.
- This is very true.

- Are those new shoes? They're lush.
- Can we just get drunk instead?

Yeah. My feminine side was threatening
to burst into tears and forget how to drive.

I might even indulge in
some testicular rearrangement therapy now.

There we go. Jonny's back. He may even belch.

He is a good-looking lad, that David, though.

He's a good-looking lad...
That just makes it worse, doesn't it?

What's he doing here? There's fit girls
in Australia. I own the ones in Runcorn.

Can't I have a couple?

You can have the ones
from a double A cup to an A cup.

- So children, basically.
- Yes. Children and men.

Ta.

- Do you reckon we should phone Louise?
- Yes. A pity shag. It's a great idea.

To let her know what her boyfriend's been up to.

- She'll kill him.
- Probably.

Or "aergh" him to death.

God. I'd hate to be "aerghed" to death.

Not if you were a dolphin.

Pass us the phone.

You can't stay. My mum wouldn't let you.

Your mum sits in her nightie all day
staring at the fridge.

She's contemplating.

- (MOBILE RINGS)
- It'll be David. Begging for his job back.

- He's your boyfriend, not your employee.
- Yeah. Samey-bamey.

Where have you been?
I hope it was shoe shopping.

Gaz? What are you doing on my mobile? Get off.

Fine. Just don't breathe down the handset.

Just listen, bimboid.
I have just seen our partners together.

- My God!
- Donna and your fella.

- David...
- Don't. It gives me a pain in my tummy.

Tum-tum.

- You need to get round here.
- Why?

'Cause I can't think straight.

- Aergh! Aergh!
- Stop "aerghing" at me!

- He did what?
- Is Jonny OK?

Shh! No, not you. I was hushing Janet.

No. Hushing her. Don't be so disgusting.

Oh, my God. Where are they?
Oh, God. That's horrible.

- Oh. Poor Louise.
- Ask about Jonny.

I'll be right there. No, I can't bring fig rolls.

- Because I don't know what they are.
- Louise, Jonny!

Gaz, Janet wants to know how Jonny is.

Yeah... OK. Ciao.

- Well?
- This is not looking good.

What's happened?
Has Jonny had a breakdown?

Has he gone on a mad rampage?
Was he doing this?

No!

David - my one and only true love -
has vanished into the night with bloody Donna.

Huh! Why does everything happen to me?

- Louise, what about Jonny?
- He says thanks for the pasties.

- It would be stupid.
- You can't blame a guy for trying.

Especially as you're wearing
that "come to bed" cardigan.

You're forgetting about Louise and Gaz.

Louise doesn't want a boyfriend.
She wants a mannequin to drag around.

But mannequins don't have genitals.

Took me a long time to get over that as a child.
I thought I was made wrong.

Do you think a hand job is cheating?

It's essentially just like shaking hands
with someone, only very quickly.

Bloody students! You've got the world
at your feet and all you think about is sex.

- Don't you?
- I don't have the world at my feet.

I have chewing gum and dog chod.

- Why didn't you ever go to uni?
- What?

You never thought about leaving
the bucket factory, bettering yourself?

Just because you can afford
to waste three years

learning how to stay awake eight nights running,
it doesn't mean we all can.

No. I'm sorry. The answer
is Pro Plus and not masturbating.

Some people like working
in the bucket factory.

Of course. I was insensitive.

Some people aren't built for parties
and discovering themselves.

- Some people like their rut.
- Of course.

- Please take me with you.
- What?

I want to go to university.

I want to protest about things that I don't
care about and hold a placard in the rain.

I want to eat nothing but noodles and ketchup

and have hair with bits in
and meet people called Suzie and Mink.

- You wanna be a student?
- I'm good at learning.

I've memorised my shampoo bottle.

"This product contains weeds. Do not ingest."

That's very good.

What else you gonna do
when you're having a shit?

- Why don't you go for it?
- You think I could?

Absolutely. In fact, you can start right now
by giving your first student handshake.

I think we should go to the chippy.

- What did I do to deserve this?
- Usually it's the man's fault.

- I didn't do anything.
- You accused her of giving you warts.

If you found something strange on you,
what would you think?

That I was just breeding
one of my many, many colonies.

I'm no good at this. I can't do it.
I'm not taking the blame for this.

If you want her back,
you have to take the blame for everything.

- Say if it's raining...
- Yeah.

- Your fault.
- Why?

It's a tricky one, but I'd say it was your fault
because the clouds were too full.

- I can't be to blame for that.
- You can.

The days have been sunny.
The weather was promising to be fine.

That's just nature.

Oh? I suppose it was just nature when
you came in drunk and vomited on my auntie!

See? That's how it works.

All this relationship stuff - I can't do it.

You need to learn to talk - to communicate.

You need to utilise the awesome power
of "Yes, dear."

I've invested loads in Donna and now
it's like "Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead",

"See You Later, Alligator", "Ferry
'Cross The Mersey", "Na-na-na-na Batman!"

That's amazing.
You just listed all my favourite songs.

Aergh! Gaz? I've brought Chianti.
Let's do dialogue.

- Is she coming on to me?
- No, I'm not!

We have a crisis on our hands.

My lovely boyfriend
and your Donna-cidal maniac.

Ooh! I've shared bodily fluids with you by proxy.

This is all your fault, Gaz.

Yes, dear.

You're good. Here, boy.

I told you girls were better at it.
Hi, love. Did you get me cheerful biscuits?

Jonny... Blah. How are you?

Blah. I'm good.

I just needed a few bits,
like my hairdryer and dressing gown.

I'm staying with Louise.

- Girls need each other at times like these.
- Yeah, we do.

Relationships come and relationships go.

I think we all knew
this one was going nowhere, though.

- I'll just get my hairdryer.
- It's gonna be a toughie, isn't it?

Yeah, you know it is.

- How are you?
- I'm fine. How are you?

- A bit shaken up.
- That's a bit oversensitive, isn't it?

I don't think so. I mean... I'm sorry.

It's not exactly your fault, is it?

No. I didn't see it coming myself.
Breaking up... I can hardly talk about it.

Come on. It's bad getting dumped,
but it's hardly the end of the world.

- Thanks a lot.
- No probs.

I'll go and pack your stuff. The sooner you go,
the sooner we can get on with our lives.

♪ Ding-dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch? The wicked witch... ♪

We gotta go. We got a plan.

Hold on while Jonny gets my stuff.

Louise has told me her plan. You know
I don't keep things in my head for very long.

Just stay for five minutes.

- See? Gone. Come on, you.
- Wait.

I'm really worried about Jonny.
He's not in the least bit upset.

It's me you should worry about.
Jonny doesn't give a fig roll.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

- Jonny, don't you think we should talk?
- Nah. Tatty-bye, then.

Usually when you do that,
there's money in it.

- Are you OK for money?
- Never.

Here. I'm sorry it's not more.

Weirdo.

Just stick to the plan.

What plan?

I'll write it down for you.

- Don, thank God you're here.
- I'm going to college.

What? But you can't have exciting things
when I'm having a problem.

I'm going to study
and David's going to help me.

I'm thinking of doing psychology or English
or both - psyc-lish.

Or...

Engli-ology.

And I can still keep my job
and get my books from the library.

Are those tears of joy?
You're spraying. It's a little unpleasant.

- I've left him.
- Left Jonny? That's terrible.

I know. It's horrible.

Why do girls cry when they dump you?

Because it's friggin' sad, OK!

- And he doesn't even care.
- Neither do we.

David!

There they are. Remember
what we talked about and stick to the plan.

Louise, you know I don't keep things
that people say in my head for very long.

Just follow me. Their evil dalliance
drove us into each other's arms.

They'll get jealous and beg us to come back,
and buy us new dresses.

OK. Wait... It's gone.

- Here's Louise.
- Come on, Crocodile Dundee.

Gaz! Gaz!

Plan. The plan!

Oh. Hi, Janet.

You look puffy. Whatever's the matter?

You know what's the matter. I've left Jonny.

Good Jesus!
Are you still banging on about that?

Get over yourself. Ciao.

Gaz.

Are you OK?

I've left my boyfriend and nobody's
giving me any sympathy. Can you believe that?

Oh.

When I feel down I have a triple Baileys
and a bag of pork scratchings. I'm Kate.

Oh, your breath stinks.

I was feeling down.

David! David!

- Oh, God. Did he throw you?
- No.

By the time we got here, he'd forgotten
who I was, so he just put me on the kerb.

Anyway, Gaz is my boyfriend now.

No, he's not. You want to make me jealous
because you want me to go out with you.

- How did you know that?
- Let me see.

Maybe it was the fact that you kept saying,
"The plan, Gaz, the plan."

It made it hard to believe.

But we're meant to be together. I'll change.
I'll be everything you want me to be.

- Please. Please!
- OK. Fine.

We can see each other again,
but on my terms. One last chance, OK?

Absolutely. Easy-peasy.

Oh, thank you, David.

- Now I can dump you properly.
- What?

You're dumped. You're dumped!
I dumped you.

- You don't want to go out with me?
- God, no. You were getting irritating.

I just couldn't stand thinking
that you'd dumped me. Ciao!

- Hang on a second...
- I said ciao!

That has got to be the shortest relationship
I have ever had.

Except for when Daria turned out to be a man.

We have to talk. What's the matter with her?

- Argument with Jonny.
- It's not a bloody argument. I've left him!

It's a momentous decision, OK?

But you two are always leaving. You'll work it out.

But that's leaving to go to the pub
or to stand in the back yard.

This is it - I've left the house.

Jesus! You could have told him.

I did. I left him a note.

- The one about the pasties?
- Yeah.

I read that. It weren't very clear, though.

Why not? It took me ages to sum up
all the right words and emotions and meanings.

For a start it said, "Dear Jonny,
this has got nothing to do with you."

- And?
- I skipped the rest.

If it's got nothing to do with Jonny,
it's not my business.

- But you did show it to him?
- No.

Ip dip doo, doggie did a poo.

Who stepped in it? It was you.

Pick a number. Three? Cheeky.

"Bollocks becoming aware."

"Dear Jonny..." That's me.

- You can't start hanging round with him.
- I have to, Gaz.

OK. Next time I'll carry him further away.
We could end up in the sea.

He's going to help me get into university.

No way. You'll start wearing thick glasses
and dressing badly.

I don't like sensible Donna. I like slutty Donna.

Come on. Bring back slutty Donna.

You don't have much to say on this
after your behaviour. You should trust me.

All right. I'll let you go to university.
Just come back home.

- I don't need your permission.
- I'll support you if you go to university.

- Will you?
- Yeah.

Because you need respect

and I should value you as an individual
as well as a woman.

- That's good. Where did you get it from?
- "Trisha".

I also found out
I was a overeating necrophiliac.

I won't laugh at you - even when you fail.

- How do you know I'll fail?
- 'Cause you will.

- How's about it, then? Fancy a bit?
- Well...

I have spent a long evening
with a dirty Aussie.

Warmed you up for me, did he?
Shall I just slide you home?

- Go on, then.
- You won't be thinking about him?

Will you be thinking about Carol Vorderman?

It helps concentration.

Delays ejaculation
when Richard Whiteley appears.

(HUMS "COUNTDOWN" THEME) Oh, yeah.

- I just fancy a cup of tea.
- Come on, then.

- What are we doing?
- Going home.

OK.

Jonny...

- Where is it?
- What?

The cleaning lady took my stash.

- I am not looking for your stash.
- And the cleaning lady took my virginity.

- David gave it to me.
- Him again?

- He's going to help me.
- I don't want you seeing him.

I have to live here on my own.
You have to move out.

What am I gonna do?
I've got no girlfriend, no job and no home.